Still Waters, Spring 2023

Still Waters

ABROOKSSCHOOLLITERARYMAGAZINE VOLV,ISSUEI

Still Waters

ABROOKSSCHOOL

LITERARYMAGAZINE

VOLV,ISSUEI

EDITORS

DeanCharpentier,EnglishDepartment Chair

XimingGong'23

DESIGNER

JasmineShi'24

PUBLICATIONS

JenniferO'Neill,DirectorofDigital Communications

COVERIMAGE

QuinnMullaney'23

InnerPageImages

QuinnMullaney'23

JiyuPark'25

JasmineShi'24

StillWatersiscommittedtopublishing original,excitingmaterialfromadiverse collectionofBrooksstudentwriters. Whileweactivelypursueshortfiction, poetry,andmemoir,wewillconsiderany formofwritingsubmitted.

Therearenorestrictionsonwordcount, andauthorsmaysubmitmultiple submissionsatatime.

I often recall these words when I am writing, and I think to myself, It’s true. There aren’t any new words. Our job is to give new meanings and special overtones to absolutely ordinary words.

Haruki Murakami

ON WRITING

OneofthemanythingsBrookshasgivenmeiswriting Notwritinginthewayyouthinkofit for assignments,orajournalentry,orwritingdownnotes I'mtalkingaboutwritingwithoutaprompt,forthe sakeofit,andoftenforthesakeofmyself Yes,IwillinglytakeHistoryCapstone,andyes,I'vealwaysfound essaystobemystrongsuit,butmyrealconnectionwithwritingcamethroughalessstructuredform.

ItallreallystartedwiththebookOnEarthWe’reBrieflyGorgeous,byOceanVuong.It'sbeenmyfavorite sinceIreaditsophomoreyear,andIthinkI'verecommendedittoprettymucheveryoneIknow.It’swell knownnow,rightfullyso,butacoupleofyearsagotheonlywayI'dhaveheardofitwasthroughtheall schoolreadcommittee Thoseonthecommitteeweremeanttoreadabookfromthelisttogivetheir opiniononwhetheritshouldbetheallcommunityread IchoseOnEarthWe’reBrieflyGorgeous Therestis history

Thestoryiswrittenintheformofaletterfromthemaincharacter,LittleDog,tohismother Ittoucheson manytopicsnearanddeartomyheart,liketheimmigrantexperience,familialtrauma,racism,death, navigatingrelationshipsasayoungperson,andmostpainfully,watchingpeopleyoulovestrugglewith addiction.AllofthiswaswritteninastyleofwritingI'llcallpseudo-poetry.AsVuongisapoetturnedwriter,it wasnotquitepoetry,butnotquiteprose.Hiswordsmovedme.Nearlyeverypageofmybeatupcopyis dogeared.Ifoundahomeinhismeticulousyetalmosteffortlesslines,andhisheart-wrenchingyetbeautiful words I’dreadalotasakid,butthisbookintroducedmetowhatitmeanttoseeyourselfonapage Itwasa newkindoffamiliarity Thebookwasn’tchosenfortheallcommunityread,whichisprobablyforthebetter ButIdoencourageanyofyou,eventhosewhomightnotrelatetoanyoftheexperiencesImentioned (especiallyifyoudon’trelate)togiveitatry Thelanguageitselfisatriumph

Myinitialloveforthebookdidn’timmediatelyturnintoinspiration Ididn'tsitdownthatnightandstartto writepagesandpagesofpoetrylikeIwasborntodoit.Irememberfinishingthebookatthebeachatthe beginningofthesummerbeforemyjunioryear.Thatsummerwasthebestofmylife,butjuniorfallwas tough.Itwasanewkindofstruggle.TheywereprobablymyworstmonthsatBrooks,forsomanyreasons thatIlargelyhadnocontrolover.I'vealwayshadbigfeelings,andwhethertheyaregreatoneslikeempathy, oratmybestloveoratmyworstdesperation,they’vealwaysseemedtohavemeinachokehold ThatfallI feltlikeIwaswalkingaroundwithsomeone’shandsaroundmyneck Itwasn’tuntilIsatdownwithmyself onenight,Idon'trememberexactlywhen,andwrote,didthatgriploosen

Iwroteincoherentlyatfirstuntilphrasesstartedcomingtogetherandthenlines.ItriedtodowhatIhadseen inOnEarthWe’reBrieflyGorgeous.Itriedtomakemyownreliefwithmypen,somethingthatmightbe similartowhatIfoundinVuong’slines Somewhereinbetweenalotofsleeplessnightsitstartedlookinglike poetry SomewhereinbetweendozensoffilledpagesIstartedactuallycallingitpoetry Itwasanewkindof comfort Mywritingdidn’thealme,butitgavemetherestandcalmIdesperatelyneededtoallowtime, distance,andstrengthtogetmethrough

Tothisday,I’monlyabletowritewhenI'mfeelingabsolutelyterrible,andI'mworkingonthat,Ipromise But I'vebeentolditbringsarawqualitytomywork.Maybethat’swhyIfeltsovulnerableputtingsomeofitup onawallintheBowersroomlastspringinapoetryexhibitmyfriendFranklinandIputtogether.ButIdidit.I gottoreadsomanygreatpiecesfromotherfellowBrooksianspiecesIcouldseemyselfin.Iconnectedwith thesewritersinawayIhadn’tbefore.Itwasanewkindofcommunity.

Somewherebetweenallthat,theendofjunioryear,seniorfall,seniorfallmidterm,gettingintocollege,and everythingelseinbetween,writinghasgiftedmeaheadspacethatIamgratefulfor It'saplacewhereIcan thinkthingsthatmightseemsimpleandobvioustosome,butarehardtodigoutoftheoverthinking,overly emotional,overlyanxious,overallmessofaplacemymindcanbemostofthetime Writingremindedmeto takeabreath,thatIcouldgetthroughwhateverIwasruminatingabout Ifoundthatbeingoutsidecould groundmeandbringmepeace.Icouldgainnewperspectivesonmypast,andlearnnewlessonsfromit.Also, IlearnedthatmaybeIdidn’tneedtotakesevenstepsbeforethenextcrackintheroad.

Thosethoughtsthenturnedintobetterselfunderstanding,notlettingpastexperiencesdefineme,knowing thatIhavealottooffertomyselfandthoseIlove Allinall,I'velearnedthatIknowbeautifulthingsbecause oftheheavinessI'vecarried,eventhoughitstilllivesinsideme IthinkIcanactuallygiveandlovesomuch morebecauseofwhatIcarry Theonlyotherthingthatgroundmelikewritingisbeingoutdoors,oronthe water SomehowthiswinterbeingatthetopofMountCardigan,thewindthreateningtoblowmeoffthe mountain,IfeltmorelikemyselfthanIusuallydointhehallwaysI’vewalkedforfouryears Itwasanewkind ofpeace

BeforeIfoundthosethings,I’dspentsomanyyearshidingmystrugglesinawellboundbookIneverdaredto read.Ispentsomuchtimenothavingthecapacitytoopenthatbook,notbeingabletoreallyunderstand whereIcomefromandwhoI’vebeeninthemanyversionsofmyself.NowthatIwrite,Icanexternalizeall thoseexperiencesandmakesenseofmyselfonpaper.IunderstandwhyIlovethethingsIlove,whyIdothe thingsanddo,andmostimportantly,whyandhowIthinkandprocessthings Itwasanewkindof understanding

Sincethen,I’vebecomeawell-read,dogearedversionofmyselfthatI’llnevergrowtiredofreading

ThegoodnewsisthatI’llgettobuildonthisversionofmyselfbeyondBrooks BecauseI’vemadeitapriority, ItrustthatI’llbeabletoexplorewriting,beingoutdoors,andwhateverelseIdiscoverthatgroundsme. Lookingatthemonthofmilestonesstretchingoutaheadofme,I’msurethere'llbealotofbigfeelingsand probablysometearsshed.It’llbeanewkindofsadness.Areadytomoveonbutleavingfamiliarpeopleand placesbehindkindofcomplicatedI’llnodoubtspendafewnightswritingabout.Butthere’salottolook forwardto,andIbetI’llgetafewgoodpoemsfromtheexperience

TheBlue

ByDanielPark

sunlightfallstothesea

thenescapesdrenchedinblue fleeingfromthedepths

itpaintstheskywith brushstrokescleanandwide Irevelintheblue

Iletitfloodmyheart

thesunlightdyesthattoo

andtheocean

stolenbythesunlight carriedtomyheart

washesmeout

ClamorandClang

byCaseyCallahan

Amidstthecity'sclamorandclang, Ahumblestreetlamp'sganglyframe, Itsmetallimbsstretchedupsohigh, Againstthecanvasofthesky Butwithinitsglowingorbsobright, Amagicthattranscendsthenight, Illuminatingpathsoncedimanddrear, Guidingthelost,thebrave,thedear.

Andthoughit'sjustafixtureonthestreet, Itslightbringshopetoallitmeets, Transformingthemundanetothesublime, Aneverydayobject,elevatedintime.

CloseSilence

byCaseyCallahan

Themusicflowedthroughbothears Meetingitselfatthecenterofmybrain. Thegrassaroundmecushionedmyfeet, afieldofpillows.

Iwasclose

Thewild,delicatebodyofmothernatureblossomed.

Iwaitedpatiently, Formyarrival.

Thewindblewacrossmybody, Traveledthroughmymind, Andalongmysoul Softblanketssurroundedmyentirety.

Iwasclose

Alone,theboundsthatkeepmetothisearthloosened.

Patiently,Iawaited Agrandwelcomeformyarrival.

Isatbeneaththewillowtree, Theshadeprotectingmefromthecoolsun.

Ibaskedinit,

Thethermometeroflifechangedjustforme.

Iwasclose.

Iwasawareofthethoughtsleavingme, Iwelcomedthesilence.

GuidingLight

byCaseyCallahan

Ononeside,thesoulwanders

Throughfieldsoflavenderandthyme, Wherethesunkissestheearthtenderly Andthebreezewhispersagentlerhyme.

Theheartfollows,lightasafeather, Inthisworldofbeautyandgrace, Whereworriesfade,andjoyisforever Andtimeisbutafleetingtrace.

Yettheotherside,adierentpath where Thesoulmaytreadindarknessandstrife, Whereshadowsloomandfearsamass, Andhopeseemsbutadistantlife

Butknow,dearsoul,whereveryouroam, Thereisalightthatshineswithin, Aguidingstarthatleadsyouhome

Throughjoyorsorrow,thickorthin

SpringSprung

ByNoellaChung

Astheearthturns towardsthesun soundless,soundless cracksinthedrybarkopen andnothingbutcolor agreensovividitseemsimaginary prickstheair

Ithinkwhilewalkingtoclass somethingblossomsinsideme alsosoundlessbutcolorful andIdosomething completelyuseless likesingasong thatIdon’tknowthewordsto andfeelhappy

FirstWords

byNoellaChung

Thereisnoblackandwhite.

Writingapoemforthefirsttime islikefindingyourvoice aftertheloveofyourlifewalksby andleavesyouwithyourheart freakingoutlikeatinybird caughtinyourhands. Thereisnorightorwrong.

Writingapoemforthefirsttime islikethebirdstrugglingfree ofyourhandsandtakingointothewind andyouwatchforawhile wishingitwouldcomeback butitsoarshighabove andrefusestoeversettle.

TheLake

byKerrSjostrom

Thesmellofthelakeinvitesme asIfirstseethewaterthatwashidden behindthewallofpinetrees, protectingmefromthecoldwind.

Nowcontent,Isitandwatchtheworld

Thewavesrollslowontotheshore Inthedistance,yellingfromcrew, mixedwiththesoftgroanofthetenders.

Firstchaoticandstressful, thenrelaxing,apartofthelake.

Thewindblowsbrisk, itscoolairfindsitswaythroughthetrees

It'simpossibletohide,likeitstrackingme thereisonlymycoat.

Above,thepinessway, onewiththewind

Therustlingofthebranchescalmsme untilthewindgrowstoostrong

Abranchsnapsandfallsswifttotheground.

Thesuncreepsclosertothehorizon, changinghiscolorthelowerhegets, changingeverythingelse,too. Thecloudsbegintochange,thenthetrees. Andbeforeyouknowit,heisgone, leavingtoletsomeoneelsecalltheskytheir own

Someoneverydierent,adierentlook, theirwhitelightsoonlightingthetrees, shimmeringbackfromthelaketomyface, endingthedaybut onlyjuststartingthenight.

12:27

byAbbieDuckworth

Flick

Flick

Fwoosh

Iliftedthedimlylitlightertothecigarette clenchedinmyteeth.Theendburnedredin thereflectionofthedarkwindowsasI inhaled Iextinguishedmylighter Ididn’t wanttodoit,butIhadto.Ihadto,tokeep everythingIhadbuilt TheTVilluminatedmy faceasItookanotherlongdragfrommy cigarette.OldrerunsofFriendswereplaying.I chuckledattheepisode,“TheOneWhere EveryoneFindsOut”.That'swhatit’llbelike whenshewakesupandwalksdownthose stairs.

Isluggishlypushedmyselfothecouchand meanderedtothekitchen.Theanalogclock abovetheovenread12:27.Iletmycigarette hanglooselyfrommylipsasIrummaged throughthepantry WhatwasIevenlooking for?Ipulledoutahalf-emptyboxof Cheez-Itsandgrabbedahandful Carryingthe box,Islowlywalkedbacktothelivingroom.

“Yaknow,youcouldhavejustleftusalone, andyoucould’vegoneoinyourlife.”

Iextinguishedmydyingcigaretteontheglass coeetableandfloppedbackdownontothe couch.IshovedahandfulofCheez-Itsinto mymouth.Joeysatinhisredsweater franticallypointingbetweenMonicaand Chandler,eyeswide.Ilookedawayandlit anothercigarette

Isatthereawhilelookingupatthedark plasterceiling,TVdroninginthebackground, notsurewhattodonext.HowdoIhide everythingI’vedone?DoIreallywantherto comedownthosestairsandstarewide-eyed betweenmeandwhatIhavedone?No,I don’twantthat.Shewouldhateme,theyhad gottentooclose

IsettheboxonthecoeetableandIpushed myselfothecouchforthefinaltime.I climbedthestairstotheupperlevel,where shewas.Iwalkedintoourroom.Shewas alwaysaheavysleeper,justmorethanusual now.She’dbeencominghomelate.

“Damn.”

“God,why’dyouhavetomakethissoooo fuckin’dicult?”Isquatteddownnexttoher.

Isetmystill-burningcigaretteinanashtray onthedresser.Iremovedmydirty,stained clothesandtossedthemintothecornerof thebedroom.WhenhadIgottensomessy?

Ipulledonsweatpantsandatanktop Ileft mycigaretteontheashtraytoburnoutonits own Itookalonginhaleoftheroom,letting thebittersmokefillmynose.

“You’llunderstand,soonenough.”

Igrabbedmyearbuds,theoneswithwires,it madehersomadIneverwantedtowastemy moneyonAirPods Iputon“Can’tTakeMy EyesoYou”byMortenHarket.Iwalked downthestairs,steppingoverbrokenlamps andseeminglysleepingeyes,rightoutthe door.

Underthestreetlightinfrontofourhouse,I stopped Thesharpconcreteundermybare feetstung.Ilookedupattheblindingwhite bulb,lettingHarketcrooninmyearaboutthe loveofhislife.Iturnedandbeganwalking downourlittlesuburbanstreet.Ilitthelast cigaretteinmypack

Insomnia

byDanielPark

Lookingawayfromthescreenat2AM, Backbent,shrimp-like, eyesred,strained,yearning. AmomentofsolaceasIlook uponacityscape. Cars,gleamingunderlight likebeetleswithbeamingeyes, untetheredbytrac,carrying businessmen,taxidrivers,late-shiftworkers backtocoldrice,alonelytable,everyoneelseasleep

Giantsmilingfaceslookdownuponthecity fromtheirLEDcages, downintotheemptiness, uselessandpowerlessinthesilence.

Buildingslikegiantsinthegloom, sittingmotionlessandsoulless, theirwindowsathousanddead,unfocusedpupils staringoutofstainlesssteelfaces.

Themooncreepsoverallofthis, dullerincomparisonto

thestreetlights,thebillboards, thecar’sbeams,theuselessshiningwindows, andsulkingfromitsreplacementor

ourbetrayal, ithidesbehindacloud.

TwoWholeThoughts

byEvanSalhanick

Sometimeslifeislikelisteningtotheelectricbuzzofthemicrowave.Youlookthroughthelittle windowandseesomethingrotating‘roundand‘roundonthatlittleglassplate.Asyouwaitforlife toheatup.Tome,italwaysfeelslikeit'sneverinthesameplaceaftereachrotationofthatlittle glassplate.There'salwaysthatlittlebitofaslide.

MaruchanInstantChickenramentakestwominutestocookinthebombed-outoldmicrowave shellswestillabuse Itfeelslikeforeverthough,at2:00AMsomeWednesdaynightinApril Fortunately,therearealwaystwowholethoughtsyoucanhaveatthattimeofnight:

Isit,buzzing,besidethebombed-outhummingmicrowave.It’s2AMagainandmyheadliststoone side. and/or

Sometimespeoplelooklikethelandtheycomefrom.Arizonaisacharismaticvietnamvetwitha holy(orHole-ey)liverandagreatgraybeardandadiminutivestature.

Sleep

byLizNicholson

Doyoueverhaveanightwhereyoucan’tseemtofallasleep?Istoppedgoingtothedoctorabout ittwoyearsago,afternopillsorprescriptionsremainedformetotry.ThefactthatIhavebeenon prescriptionmedicationsforthisshouldeliminatethethoughtinyourheadthatmaybeyoushould trymelatonin.

Ilayinbeduntilmidnight,whichisusuallythepointwhereIgetlonely.Thisiswherethenight begins Iwalktomyfridgeandlookforasnack,andusually,seeingnothingIwant,Icloseit Iopen mycabinetsandIfindnothingthatdoesn’trequireboilingfortenminutes,whichwasnot somethingIwaswillingtodo.Itellmyselftogotothestore,orthatIwillgotothestore,butIcan neverrememberwhereitis.Ican’trememberwheremywalletis.Ican’trememberwhereIparked mycarorevenwhereIleftmykeys. Youwonderwhenyoucan’trememberthingsiftheyevenexistedinthefirstplace.

At1:23AMIstartedscreaming.ThetimewhenIscreamvaries.Mymouthopensandmybody clenches,hottearsdartingdownmyface.Therestoftheroomremainsquiet.Noonecanhearme, butIhopesomething,someone,canfeelmetryingtotellthemI’mtrapped.

Ilookoutthewindowatthedark,emptystreetbelowmeat2:54AM SometimesIlookforpeople passingby,businessmenstumblinghomefromthebars,groupsoffriendstalkingandlaughing, flauntingtheirconnectionstheyknowIoncehadbutlost

4:18AMisthepointwhereIstarttofeeltired,likeifIclosedmyeyesIwoulddrifttosleepright then.Itgetsmoreandmorediculttokeepmybloodshot,heavyeyesopen.ThisiswhenIstart riflingthroughmycabinetsforwhicheverorangebottleisscreamingatmetheloudest.Icrushthe whitecapsulesoffreedomwiththebackofmyspoon,scoopthemup,andletthemmeltintoa syrup,soeasytocapturewithmyneedle.Idrawtheendofthesyringeback,catchingasmuchasI canwithmyshakinghand

It’sfunnyhoweasilythey’llgivestutoyou Someonewhodoesn’tsleepisobviouslyinpain,right?

Someonewhocan’tfallasleepneedstobeputtosleep theygetme.

Myveinsruncold,socoldIbecomenumb Itrytoforcemyeyesopenbuttheyremainshut Isway aroundandsoonenoughthegripfrommyhandsslipsfromthesidesofthesinkandIcrashtothe tileflooranditfeelslikeatrampolineasmybodybouncesothefloorandfloats

NowI’msleeping.

Idiot

byJacksonConners-McCarthy

Iamjustanotheridiot

inaworldfilledtothebrimwithidiots

icouldneverhope

tofindanswerstomyquestions

icouldneverhope

tounderstandtheseanswers

iftheyevercame

theircompletenature

iknownothingiscertain

iknownothingforcertain

isitinaplasticchair

staringatalaptop

fullofmystupidwords

thatanyonecanspeak

thateveryonecanthink

underfluorescentlighting

artificialandfragile

wordswordsandmorewords

reinforcingwhatisknown

i’msoangry

i’mangryattheroof

ofmydisquietmind

thisfeelingchasesme

aroundtheselonghallways

litteredwithrooms

morespacetobeanidiot

DobyJacksonConners-McCarthy

Idespisethesound

ofmyannoyingoldvoice

yetIhavetospeak

Otherwise,I’dbe

soaloneandtrappedupstairs; awasteofbreath I

cutoallmyhair

Theweightofthebrownmesswas suocatingme.

Itgotintheway

ofthissturdytree’sgrowth,I wasseekingsunlight.

Justsotiredofrain, ofthestinessinmyspine, Ineedtodo

Tiredofbeingtired

Inolongerjustexist, Ireallydo.

ParentPoem

byJacksonConners-McCarthy

Beforemychild-likeeyesightdeclined, Icouldclearlyseethemanyouhadmaybeseeninthemirror, theheroinyourbrittlemind’sfictionalstory.

Iwascertainthatmanexisted butnowIquestionexistenceitself, initsconfusingentirety.

Whenmyoldereyescouldn'tfixate onthemaninthemirroranylonger, theystrayedtothemanstaringforward, stuckinavacuum,adelusion,aconceptualizedlife. Nottoofarfromwhatwas,waswhatcouldbe, anditwaslesspainfulforthemanlockedinhistrance.

Youattemptedamurderinretaliation, youtriedtokillamanIwasfondof whenIstumbleduponyourtruenature. Thisdimensionwasfartooharshforyourfragility, Ienviedthosewiththepowertoforgive, butI’llshamefullyadmitIwasfartooweak

You’rehomicidal, andforthatIhadwishedyouforevergone.

Ifindmyselffinallyandpeacefullyacceptingyourdisappearance. Theycanevenaskwhentheirheartdesiresit, andI’llreluctantlybuttruthfullyrespond,I’mfine.

Atlastthequestionsyourabsenceraisedarefossilized,

mayberecoveredlater truthfullyI’llexcavate

I’llsearchthroughcomputersimulations,perhapsthey’llconstructmyanswer. Butthetechnologyneverceasestoadvance, andthesemachinesbecomeoutdatedeverysecond. Truthfully,Imightneedtheseelusiveanswersoneday soIcantuckyouawayinmymemoriesfinally. ButuntilthatdayIbelieveIamfineuntilIamnolongercapable. UntilthatdaywhenIreceivemylastreminder I’mfinite.

SometimesaWomanIsAnIsland

byAbbieDuckworth

Itwasasmallhouse.Itwasmodestandperfect asmallkitchenwithasmallsinkandsmall cabinets.Asmalllivingroomwithonecabriolesofawithasmallcoeetable,coveredinringsof stains. Panshungfromapotrackovertheoldstove.Italwayssmelledlikesomethinghadbeenfreshly bakedinthekitchen Akettlesatonaburner,readytoboilatanymoment

Thehousestoodalone.Thewindblowingbymadetreesshake,mountainswhistle,andthe windowsrattle.Theaircarriedasharpzingofozonethatstungthenoseandmadetheeyeswater.

Shesatonherown,gentlyrockinginherrockingchair,lookingattheoceanfromherporch The cloudsmadeadauntingshadowoverthecalmwaters.Shedidn’tmind.Itwastheendanyway.

Sheheldherknittinginherlap,givingamomenttoletheroldhandsrest.Thegrasswavedslowly intheoncomingbreeze.Shetuckedherblanketalittlecloser.

Theworldcrackledaroundherasitcreptcloserandcloser,butitwouldneverreachher.Shesat andenjoyedthesunglimmeringagainstthosedarkclouds

Slippingunderwastheeasiestpart,buttheunknowingofwhereyouweregoingovertookher mind.Wouldtherebethewhitelightorapullbeneathyou?Shedidn’tknow,soshesat.

Butitwouldneverreachher.Hewouldneverreachher.Hewouldhavetocrossthatsweetstretch ofoceantogettoher.Shecameheretoescapeandsoshedid,sheescapedeverything.

Hewouldhavetomeetherhere.

HoneyDoList

by Abbie Duckworth

Eternity

byMolletOtieno

Iliketolookaheadnotbehind.

Idon’tliketolookback

atthesameperson

whowritesthese

songsofsobermelodies

songslikethebirds

whistlingastheystart theirday

justliketheydidyesterday andthedaybefore yesterday, justastheywilltomorrow andperhaps whatfeelslike therestofeternity.

Wounded

byDanielPark

Thebutterflywith oneremainingvividwing stumblesthroughthedirt.

Before,itperched atoparose abovethefilth

flauntingitswings beautifulblueandblack.

Onlyoneremains.

Antennaetrembling, legsskittering, itscurries untilitmeetssomeants, unfriendly, beadyeyes

Sunset

byDanielPark

Sometimes,everyonceinawhile, Ilooktotheskyandrealizethat it’sdarkoutside,thesunsunkbelow thetreesandthestarssquintingnow, peekingoutofdaylight’scover

Thetreesareshadows, thehillsshadowsthataredarkerstill. Thelastvestigesofasinkingsun paintthebellyoftheskyanorangehue.

IfIhadlookedawaysooner, Iwouldhaveseen

thestill-sinking,notsunksun, thedeeppink,orange,yellow, andthehillsandtrees,notyetshadowed butwithshadowsstretchingtocoverthe slopesthatreflecttheorangewith snow,abrilliantshine

IknowthatIcanseethenext, butIfeelasifI’vemissedsomething farmoresignificant.

It’sasiftheskyisreborneveryevening, celebratedbythesinkingsun,the squintingstars,andthestretchingshadows.

LoVE

byEvanSalhanick

Haloversion

Hellover

JelloVenison

CelloVelvet WedanceahaloversionofLife. OrbitingeachotherasBent-toerotatingballerinas.

Caststonesinthesea

Andyoufloatbacktome, Foamingsurfasyourlegsbeatrhythmically

Salt-stungscarssearme,evenshore-bound, AndImustcastyouaway, oncemore.

Evenshorebound,yoursalt-stungscarssearme

Ismilewistfully,yoursalt-stungscarsseemsoclear.

IfIWeretoStep Out

byKyleJoyce

Aloneleadstoloneliness

likeadarkenedhighway, likedarknessbowingoverprisonlights

ontherippledrichsoilthatsproutsgrass

belowbarbedwire,anddelicatesouls

unboundbyregret,and

blessedwithanotherdrop

togladlygazeabovethewillows

Andnotonlyseebluelife, but inspiregreenyellowblackwhiteorange, toholdtightovermyheart

withfullarms

lockedaroundtheperimeterand towalkandstompovertheblue.

WhatitMeansto Love

byKyleJoyce

Ifyoudon’tlove

thenwhatmaycome?

Ifyoudonotstumbleandcrash

thenhowcanyoulove?

Tounderstandthe

invisibleandtangible

youmustgothrough

Ifyoudonotwish

toprovideroom

youbecomeencapsulated

Youmustwish

tofillin thein-filled.

Welcomeall!

Withallcolorsonmyforehead

nobreezecanwipeaway;

whilewet,headtotoe, inthatsamebody

thatwouldfall,clash,andshatter

ifIweretostepout

Tangled

byChapinDobbins

Thisisnotreal

andyoudon’texist

Thehandsthattraveledmilestocome seeme wereneverhere

Youhaveneverleftyour home

andihaveneverleftmine

Wearetangledinways thatare

andneverwillbe Real

Thefacadeofwhatcouldhavebeen dissolvesaroundme

Ihaveneverbeenyoursandyou willneverbemine

Isitbackandletthewater crashoverme

IfI

byAbbieDuckworth

Wearguedabouteverysinglething,mysister andI.Itdidn’tmatterwhatitwas.Thecar,the dog,andthetickingnoisefromtheclock even;theywerealljusttopicsthatcaused tension,sometimesfornoreasonatall The onlytimeswewouldliedowntogetheron eachother'sbeds,lookupattheceiling, fiddlingwiththepillowswithouttheother persongettingmad,waswhenwetalked aboutdeath.WhatwouldIdoifyoudied?I don’tknow…youwouldfigureitout eventually Probablynot,Iwouldsimplyjust killmyselftobewithyou.Haha,wellplease don'tdothat,butseriouslyifIdiedIwould leaveeverythingtoyou…Ican'ttrustMom andDadwithmystu.Sameforme.

Icouldn’timaginewhatIwouldactuallydoif shedied

Wehadjustgonepromdressshoppingfor her.Shehadgottenalongreddress,covered inglitteringsequinsthatcutintoherskin.It waswhatshewanted,andIcouldn’tbelieve it.ItwasthemosthideousthingI’deverseen, butshelikedit,soMomboughtit Itwas expensive.Dadhatedhowexpensiveitwas.

Hereallyhatedhowexpensiveitwas

OntheridehomeIwatchedthesky,picking outwhalesandtreesintheever-shifting canvasofclouds.Mysisterthoughtitwasthe stupidestfuckingthing,watchingtheclouds Shetoldmeso,butshehadsaiditsomany timesalreadythatIdidn’tcare.Ithoughther needtohaveaboyfriend24/7wasthe stupidestfuckingthingandIletherknow that

ThenightithappenedIsatinourgreatbig emptyhouse,astaleroomrightacrossthe hallfromme.Mybedwasnolongerwarm andsafe,itwascoldandthesheetsfelttoo scratchy.Itfeltlikeadeathsentence.That cornerwasjusttoodark Everythingjustfelt sowrong.

Idreamedaboutagreatbigcloudthatwas shapedlikeacheesyclichéghostflyingup behindsomeone,justabouttoscarethem It wasonlybluesky,therewasn’tasingleother cloud,justthatone Itwasgray Iwassitting ontheschoolbusthatwasdrivingmyclass toprom,wearingthelongredgown The sparklescutintomyarmpits.Mymomsaidto justignoreitandenjoymynight,butitwas allIcouldthinkabout Thatandtheghost cloudseemedtofollowthebusnomatter wherewewent Suddenlythebusstoppedin themiddleoftheroad.Everyoneturnedand

lookedatme Theireyesboreintome Itfelt likeburningweltsonmyskin.Ifeltmyselfrise andwalkdowntheaisleofthebusandoutof thewhooshingdoors.Thebuspulledaway frommeleavingmestandingtherestaringup attheghostcloud.

FeelingSmall

bySylviaMarks

Whippingwindsandragingwaters

Istandalonegawkingatthesky.

Iwishnothingmorethantobebyyourside. Nowords,Ijustneedtoknowyou'rethere

Meandyou,youandI, strangers,onlyafewdegreesofseparation

Sleeplessnights,butthemoonstillshines

Sopleaseknowthatevenwhenthecoolsideofthepillowdoesn'tworkitscharm, thesamemoonconnectsus

Whippingwindsandragingwaters andforYou,Iholdmyground

Iknowyou’rethere

Overtheriverssowideandmountainssohigh.

Soplease,justshine

TheGirls

byShelleyOsafoGrant

Who’sgoingtokissthegirlswithbrownskin? Withcrackedlipsandashonherelbows?

Thegirlswhosehairsmellsofoilsandcreams?

Thegirlswhoaresometimespraisedforbeingdierent butwantnothingmorethantofitin?

Who’sgoingtosay“Iloveyou”tothegirlswhocryovertheirbodieseverynight, Theirbiglipsandwidehips

Thatdip,whopraytofillthemin?

Thegirlswhowillneverhavefrecklesorgreeneyes buteyesasdarkasthenightsky?

Tothegirlswhoglanceyourway,warmlikeahug?

Who’sgoingtomarrythestrongblackwomen, Toostrongtocrybutnotstrongenoughtowatchtheirmouths?

Theangryones,theemotionalones, Theoneswhoalltheyeverwantedwastobewanted?

Wilted

byLizNicholson

Thecrispmorningairhitmeinthefaceas soonasIsteppedoutthedoor.Ipulledmy scarfupovermyfaceasthewindtriedto whipmefromsidetoside Thesidewalks werebare,asifnoonedaredtobravethe wind,ormaybetheyjustdidn’thaveto

Thecoeeshopwasafewblocksdown, whichfeltlikeaneternityasthewindtriedto pushmebackthewayIhadcome.Onlythree moreblocks Mystepsquickenedasthe breezewhippedatme,tryingtogetmeto quitandgohome Ittookalottobreakme thesedays.

Ijammedtheoldkeyinthelockandpushed thedooropenwiththehelpofonelastgust.I finallygotittoshutasthewindyearnedto torturemeforabitlonger.Thelightsflickered onasIwalkedbehindthecountertoturnon themachines.Ipouredoldwaterintothe sinksandreplacedit,tooktraysofpastries outofthekitchentodisplaytopeoplewho wouldthinktheyweremuchfresherthan theywere Themundanityofmylifemocked me,knowingIwouldbebacktomorrowto takethesamestepsandgothroughthesame motions.

Ihadmadetenoatmilklattes,fourteeniced mochas,andabouttwentyhotchocolates withinthefirsthourofopening Iglancedat thevaseofflowersattheendofthecounter. Wilted,shriveled,thewatermurky.Ihad forgottentochangethem Morethanthat,I didn’treallywanttogoandbuyflowers.I hadn’treceivedflowerssincelast year frankly,Ilikedthattheflowerssitting attheendofthecounterlookedlikewhatI imagineIwouldlooklikeifIwereaflower.

Itwasfinallyquietforafewminutesbefore thebellonthedoorrang.Inormallywouldn’t lookup,butthefeelingIhadthatIshould swelledupinsideofmelikearushof adrenaline.Theredwoolsweaterdrapedover hislankybuildmademyheartsinkasI realizedhowdicultitwas,afterallthistime, toseehim Irememberedwearingthat sweaterwhentheheatinour apartment rather,now,my apartment wouldbreak.

Hewalkedovertothecounterandloomed overmeasIquicklyturnedmybackto pretendIwasdoingsomething,anything, besideshelpinghim.

Withouteverreallylivingthem

“Blackcoee,”hesaid.Heputafivedollarbill downonthetable,andanextrabillinmytip jar

FountainPen

byNoellaChung

Myfountainpen sitsatthebackofmydesk agiftfrommyfather formy13thbirthday. Thereisalittlelogoonit andthepenissleekandheavy. Themostvaluablegift

Ieverreceived isthepenofaCEO andIthink theinkisblue. Ihaven’tusedthepen evenonce.

I’llthinktomyself, thiswasagift .

Iwillalwaysputitback, inthefarthestreachesofmydesk andcompletelyforgetaboutit.

Thiswasagift.

Contrition

byShaliniNavsaria

redressyourregret pleadforyourpenance

thetrumpetsoundsthefinalkiss bleedingtearsintothelight, Hiseyeswar-tornfields

Hislipssaltyandred

Hiskneescutandworn

Wonders

byDanielPark

Fromthesamerollingfogwheredragonsstretchtheirwings, fromthesamesoaringpeakwheregiantsresttheirfeet, fromthesamemoaningseawherekrakenhunttheirprey, Icome, breathingthemintoexistence, wonderbegettingwonders wondersrising,fluctuating likewildfirefrommouthtomouth, fromoneterrortoanother, growing,risingintotheirplace, foreverentrenchedinnightmares. Iamwanderingthought, Iamtheformconjuredwhen thelightsgooutandthebloodrunscold

Hidden

byChapinDobbins

iamnotfollowed bythosewho searchforlife. iamhauntedby theirsoulswandering myexpansivedesert, whoyearnfor eyesihaveand thehearttheycannottouch.

theirearsprickupas iletoutasound ofjoythat theywishtocapture. myessencefills theairyet theycannever findme.

Oranges

byChapinDobbins

thememoryofyourhandsisfresh asicarefullyselectanorangefromthebowl onthewindowsill theorangeisbrightasthememory, waitingtobepeeledandsuckeddry

itossthepeelintothehazyafternoonand layonthegrass

thewindblowsmyhairand myfingerssmelllikeoranges

asithinkofyou

Human

byGabeFitzgerald

Firstperiodclass

Iwassleepingnotsolongago.

Theteacherwassleepingnotsolongago.

Sameroom, dierentroles

Wearebothhuman.

Anunspoken,mutualunderstanding theyarenotfullyreadytoteach, wearenotfullyreadytolearn, yetweproceed.

Wearebothhuman

Iamthestudent

Iclosemyeyesandmyheadbeginstonod;

I’msorry

Ihadalatenight

andnoneofmyhomeworkisdone

Theteacher, unabletolettheireyescloseorheadnod

sipscoee

I’msorryclass

Ihadalatenight, achildinbedstillsick.

Theymustteach. Imustlisten

Iclosemyeyes.

I’msorry

Ihadalatenight

Theycontinuetoteach.

Theycontinuetosiptheircoee

Theycannotlettheireyescloseorheadnod.

Theymustprovideforasickchild

Myeyesareclosedandmyheadisdown.

Theireyesareopenand

theirheadisup

Wearebothhuman

Alone

byRyanHiltz

AcrossfrommetheTVwasblack,andthe rainpatteredontheroofmaskingthesound oftheworldoutsidethehouse.Isankfurther intomycouch,grayleatherriddledwith stainsfromyearsofunmonitoredabuse My swimmingthoughtswerestilled,thewind nowstrippedfromtheirsails Theystoodstill, unsureoftheirnexttask,nodirections,no maptofollow. Mymouthfilledwithsandanditsdepthwas heightened,mytongueswamupinan attempttoreachtheroofamillionmiles away Isankdeeper.

Ananchorattachedtothebackofmyhead gentlytuggeditfurtherintothecushion I closedmyeyesandwasmetwithasenseof vertigo Idroppedtenfeet,twenty,thirty, gainingspeedasIfellfurtherintothe darkness.

Myeyessnappedopenandthesmalllight stungmyglazedeyeswhichhadbecome unusuallyapparentandspherical.

Thedimlightonthecountertomyleft flickeredeerilylikemorsecode,likeinthat movieParasite Myhearttickedfaster,its beatssteadilyincreasinglikeametronome untiltherewasaconstantsoundofpumping blood,increasingwitheachsecondthat passed.Acrossfromthelightwasthefridge, itswhiteboxystructurestickingoutamongst thewoodcabinetsanddrawers.Ithummed itsusualhum,alowbuzzingsoundthat gentlyshookthetilefloorbeneathit.

Mystomachmoaned.With greateortI liftedmyselffromthecomfortofthecouch andbeganmymission Whisperskissedmy ears,jumblesofincoherentphrasesfedmy confusedbrain Iwasaloneandyettherewas asensethatIwasnot.

InstinctivelyIrubbedmytemples.WhenI reachedthethreeorfourstairsthatledto thekitchenIbegantoswaylikeamantrying tobalancefortyplatesonhishead.Mybig toesmashedagainstthesecondstepsending therestofmybodycrashingtothehardtile floor Ilaythere,still,mycheekpressed againstthecooltile,itsbuzzlikeamassage chair.

WhyhadIgottenupfromthecouchinthe firstplace?Icouldn’tquiteremember.

TheJacket

byConnorHerlihy

Themanpoundsatthekeyboard, beltingoutangertotheserviceworker ontheotherside.

Hewritesparagraphsuntilhisfingersbend, deformedfromrage, abouthisjacket, andtheslightestdierenceofcolor: Supposedtobegray,issilver. Theworker,akindlady, responds

I’msorrysir,wecansendanother forsheknowsnothinggoodcomesfromthismuchnegativity, thismeaninglessmatter

Perspective

ByJacksonConners-McCarthy

(Theyarefeelingtheirwayoutintothenight) compelledbythehorrorofanexistencespentcomplacent, perpetuallyforwardtowardabrandnewhorizon, theyoughttofindhighgroundtowatchthesunrise theysurelywon’trecognizeitsiridescentbeautyfromthethicket

Faceless

byMayEggleston

Imetastrangerintheclearingthere,and Theeyeswereempty,butfulloflight,and Aswespoke,Icouldnotendure Thethoughtofleavingthenamelessfigure

Thenthesunsunkinthesky,and IknewIcouldnotstay, Thoughitseemedourtimewasdone, Ifeltthewarmthwithinme.

Andinthemoment,IcouldvisualizetheBeauty oftheworldsurroundingme,and SoIleft,myheartfulloftears.

TheElephantinaPinkTutu

byJasmineShi

Itwasanormalnight.Notthetypeofnormalthatreoccurseverydayofeveryweekofevery year;thosewerethenightshespentsunkeninthesofaintheapartmentherented,playing someoldmoviesoftlyinthecorner,driftingotosleep Thiswasthenormalnightforsome heritageheonlyhalfheartedlytriedtoembraceeversincehelefthome Itwasaloudnight scatteredbetweensteamingdishesandnoisychildrenanddistantrelativeswithalonglistof proddingquestionshedidn’twanttoanswer Hismotherandfatherwereamongstthem, tightlypackedintoaringofadjoiningchairsinthemiddleoftheroom Therewasnoopenspot nexttothem

Mysoon-to-bewifeandIfoundseatsnottoodeepintothecornerbutfarenoughfromthe centeroftheroom Ifeltthewoolyfabricofhermaroonsleevebrushagainstmyownasshe loopedherarmaroundmine Ismiledatmyparentsandtheybeamedhappilyatmyfiancée Oneoftheunclesraisedaglasstome “Finallyback,eh,XiaoZhang!Oh,lookhowtallyou’ve grown.Andhowmaturenow!”Hislipsgleamedwithoilfromthefood.Dinnerhadstarted sometimebeforeourarrival.“Andthismustbeyour…wife?”Hissurpriselingeredprominentlyin theair.

“Fiancée.YuTong.”Shesmiledandintroducedherself,extendingherhandtomyfamily.

Somehow,hissmilestretchedevenwider “Ah,congratulations!Howdidyoumanagetokeep suchaprettygirlasecret?Wedidn’tevenhearapeep!”Iwasjustabouttoanswerwhensome ladywithcurlyblackhairbuttedherwayintotheconversation.Herhairwascurledinsucha waythatyoucouldtellshevisitedthesamesaloninthesameShanghaialleywayeveryother month.“Suchshorthair!”sheremarkedintrueaunt-likefashion.“Whathappenedtoit?Itlooks all…choppy.”“Youdon’tgetit,”theunclejumpedbackin,“Thisiswhatkidscallfashionthese days.Whattheygetfromthosehairdressersinbigmallswiththeglasswindowsandfancy Japaneseshampoo.”“Right,right,”andtheirlaughterconcludedthatconversationwiththe clinkingoftheirglasses.

ItwasthenInoticedtheelephantsittingintheseatnexttotheuncle.Itstwofrontlegsbarely reachedthetabletop,anditsgraybodylookedstuckbetweenthewoodenarmrests.Itsears floppedoneithersideofitshead,brushingtheshouldersoftheunclesitsatbetween.Themost

noticeablefeatureoftheelephantwasitstrunk,whichspilledontothetable.Itwaswrinkly, thick,long,andplatedperfectlyontheporcelaindishthatsatinfrontofit.Thepairof accompanyingchopstickswerepresumablyburiedsomewherebeneath.Foramoment,I thoughtoureyesmet

“XiaoZhanggrewalot,didn’the?”Mypermed-hairauntpattedmyarm.“Ohyeah,thelasttime Isawhim,hewasasskinnyasamonkey.”“It’sbeensolong.Heusedtobe anddon’tbemadat meforsayingthis ”shelookedatmymother“ buthewaskindofgirlywhenheusedtocome around Heevenworehishairlong,right?”Shefrownedasiftryingtorecallsomeunpleasant memory “Tohischin Anddidn’theusedtowear ”

“Yes He’scertainlygrownalotthesepastyears,”Motherinterrupted Thisquadrantofthetable seemedtolapseintosilenceforasplitsecond Butthenthesurroundingbanterovertookthe stagnantairandtheconversationshiftedbacktomyfiancée

Theelephantwassittingrightinfrontofasteamingdishoffish Itwasquitealargefish,almost thelengthofmyarm Itswhiteeyesgazedupattheceilingunwaveringly Therewasaholein itsbellyandseveralspotsalongitsback Ithadprobablybeensteamedaliveafterhavingits scalesscrapedo Andafterallthat,ithadtositthroughthisdinnerbeforeitgottofloatoto

heaven Deathbyathousandcutswouldhavebeenaneasierwaytogo Orperhapsitwasa badfish,andthiseveningwasitspenance Woulditeventuallydrifttotheunderworldand drinkMengPotea,forgettingabouteverythinginthislife?Irecalledhowthousandsofyears ago,menwhocommittedhorrendouscrimesweretiedtoastackandskinnedlittlebylittle, untilallthatwasleftwasjustwhiteboneandalingeringspirit.Perhapsinthoselastmoments theymight’vewishedtobeafishthatswamfreelyinastream,tuckedawaypeacefullyinthe foldsofthemountains.Then,atleastthey’dforgeteverythingsevensecondsafterithappened.

Ittookawhileformythoughtstoreturntotheelephant.Amiddle-agedmanandanotheraunt reachedoveritstrunkforthefish.Theystabbedandproddedatit,rippingosomewhiteflesh. EatingfishonNewYear’sEvesignifiedthattherewouldbeenoughforthefamilytospareinthe comingyear;extramoney,extraluck.

WastheelephantpartofsomeextrasuperstitionIdidn’tknowabout?Itriedtocatchthegaze thatIhadmetbefore.AndIdid,butitwasafleetinginteractionthatspokenothing.Outofthe cornerofmyeyeIsawmotherandfatherexchangeaglancethatheldmultitudes,steepedin deepChineseparentingexperience.

Iexcusedmyselffromtheroom.

Anairofforeigncalmisolatedthebalcony.Iheldacigarettebetweenmyfingersandleaned overtherailing.Ihadnolighterwithme.Theunkickablehabitsatonthesoftspotbetweenthe knucklesandfirstjointsofmyindexandmiddlefinger.Itwasthinandwhite.Notliketheones whosethicksmokewouldovershadowthepresenceofthesmoker;itwasoneofthethinones thatwouldproduceasinglecolumnofsmoke,barelylingeringontheenjoyer’sfingertips.Bitter flakesofsnowlandedonthatlittlelifeline IfIhadhadalighteronme,thisparticularonewould probablyhavetastedsomethingakintoloneliness ThroughthewallsIcouldpracticallyseemy fiancéespinninggraciouslybetweenmotherandfather,auntsanduncles SilentlyIthankedher

Ididnothearthedooropen Theelephantjoinedmeinmylittlespace,alsoleaningagainstthe railing ForabriefmomentIponderedtheload-bearingqualitiesofthebalconyrailing Ihad somehowmisseditinthebrightlylitdiningroom,butwiththeelephantstandingsocloseto mehereinthedark,itwascleartoseethatitwaswearingapinktutu Anditwasafewsizes toosmall

“Hey,”Isaid “Youcold?”

Itshookitshead,earsflapping

“Didn’tlikeitinthere?”

Itnodded

“Yeah,”Ibreathedwhitemistovertherailing.“Metoo.”

Myfiancéejoinedusonthebalcony.ShesmelledlikeIimaginedabirdwould,trampledbythe aunts’rosescentedperfumesandtheuncles’swirlingspirits.Sheleanedagainsttherailingtoo andlookeddown.Neitherofusspoke.Nordidtheelephant.ThoughIdoubtedwhetheritcould atall Orwould Itscratchedthespotwherethepinktutuclaspedthetightestarounditswaist andwriggledinthelittleskirt

“Yougotalighter?”

“Yeah.Yousmokin’?”

“Thinkingaboutit.”

Shepulledoutthelighter,slicksilverbetweenherfingers.“Givemeonetoo.”Forawhile,we justappreciatedhowthesmoketastedfarbetterthananyofthedishesinside.

“Theywereaskingmewhenwe’regoingtogetmarried,youknow.”Shepuedastreamof smokeassheupdatedmeontheprecarioussituationunfoldinginside.

“Ijusttoldthem‘soon’.Weshouldsetadate,though.Wecanhaveasmallwedding,justforour parents.”Irespondedthatthishadalwaysbeentheplan.“Whatareyourparentssaying?Do theysuspectanythingyet?”

“Toldthem‘soon’too.Theyweresuspiciousatfirst,since,youknow,theydidcatchmeonce.” Sheclaspedherhands.“Thendadhadastroke,andIjust…Now,they’rehappy.I’mtheonly childtheyhave.”

Afterthat,wejustsippedonsmokeandwindinsilence.

Eventuallyitwastimetogobackinside.“Youready?”Shestubbedouthercigarette.Igavethe notionanearnestponder.“Honestly,notreally,”Isighed.

“I’llgoinfirst.Youtakeyourtime.”Shegavetheelephantafirmpatonthebackandheadedfor theslidingglassdoor.

“Hey,”Icalledoutbehindher.“Thanks.Foreverything.”

Sheraisedherhand.“Don’tforgetthatwe’redoingthisagainatmyhouse.”

Finally,afeelingofmutualagreement,asettlementonthisNewYear’sEve.

Thedoorshutwithaclick.

IthoughtaboutwhyIwasdoingthis.YuTongwasdoingitforherparents,butwhataboutme?

AminutelaterIheardtheslidingofthedooragain Itwasmymother FromthedarkInoticed howthewrinkleshadcreptupherforehead;theyearsI’dspentabroadshoneclearasdayon herface.Itwasalmostsurrealtoseeherstandinginthecoldacrossfromme.Herhairwasstill blackatfirstglance,butifyoulookedcloselyenoughyoucouldseefaintrootsofgray beginningtoemerge.

“Whatareyoudoingouthere?”sheasked,barelyinsidethethresholdherself.

“Justgettingsomefreshair.Didn’twanttosmokeinfrontofalltherelatives.”Ishowedherthe cigarette.Shesquintedatthethingbetweenmyfingers.“Well,don’tbeouttheretoolong,”she finallysaid.“It’scoldout.”

AsIwatchedherscurrybacktothefamilyIrecalledapointinmyearlychildhood.Itwasbefore Ihadanyconceptofboysandgirls.ItwassimplythatIdidnotunderstandthedierence betweenaboyandagirlandacatandamonkey.Fishandbirds,nowthosewereclearly dierent;onecouldflyandonecouldswim Butthoseofusthatwalkedhereonearth how wasoneexpectedtotellusapart?WhenIwasalittleolder,Ihadthoughtthatperhapsmy mother,whowastwenty-fiveatthetime,didnotknowthedierenceeither Shehadstarted sendingmetoballetclassesafterschool Andoutofnowhere,she’ddugoutabunchoflittle dressesandrainbowhairclips Ididn’tcutmyhairmuchbackthen,sowhenitgotlongshe wouldbraiditupnicelywiththehairclips,stumeintooneofthecutelittleoutfitsshehad painstakinglyputtogether,thensendmetoballetclass Evenwithmyvagueunderstandingof genderIrecognizedthatIwastheonlyboyintheclass,butthegirlstreatedmelikeoneof theirownandIhadagreattimeatthoselessons.Idon’trememberwhenexactlyIstopped doingballet,butIseemtorecallitbeingaroundthesametimemymotherbroughtmetothe hairdresserandaskedthebarbertoshavemyhead.“Butmom,Idon’twanttocutmyhair!”I hadwined,butsheplacedafirmhandonmyshoulderandshookherhead.ThemoreIrevisited thismemory,themorecertainIfeltthatshehadsaidsomethingalongthelinesofitbeingher fault .

OnlyyearslaterdidIlearnthatIhadhadasisterwhowouldhavebeentwoyearsolderthan me.

AsmycigarettereacheditsnaturalendIdecideditwastimetoheadbackin.Ihadn’tnoticed, buttheelephanthadsilentlyslippedbackinside.Throughtheglassdoor,Icouldseeitwasback initsseatatthetable,thepinktutuwedgedfirmlybetweenitsbiggraybodyandtheseat.I pulledthedoorhandletotheside,butrealizedIcouldn’topenit.Itwasstuck.Ipulledharder, leaningmyentirebodyweightontomyfingers,butitjustwouldn’tbudge.

Ididnotwanttobangonthedoortogeteveryone’sattention.

Butthebalconywasgettingcolderasthenightproceededinitscourse,andIwasfeeling increasinglyanxiousasIspentmoreinvoluntarytimeonthebalconybymyself.Myhandburned againstthecoldglasspanel.Finally,YuTonglookedup.Andsodidtherestofthefamily.Itook

myhandotheglass,shovingthecigaretteinmypocket.Ismiledsheepishlyandwavedatthe table.

Itwasmyfiancéewhocametomyrescue.Islippedthroughthecracksheopenedup.Sheshut thedoorbehindmeandwewalkedbacktothetabletogether.

“Whattookyousolong?”Itwasthepermedauntagain.“Weweremissingyoualready!”Itried tosmilebutIcouldn’tfeelmylips.“Itwasgettingalittlestuyinhere,youknow,”Igesturedat myredfleecesweater.Sherespondedbypilingmorefoodontomyplate.“You’restillalittle skinny,here,havesomemore.Lookatyourcousin ”shepointedtoaportlymanIhardly recognized,amanaroundthirty,wearingapressedshirtandtie,lookinglikehewasreadyto jumpbackintowork Hisbellywasstartingtheslowjogtowardsbeingasuccessfulmiddleaged entrepreneurandhewastalkingtomyfather “ suchasturdyboy Butyou you’reeatingtoo little!”

Inoddedandsmiledatmyplateandthemountainoffood

Theelephantsatinsilence,lookinghungry Ifeltbadforit Butitstrunkwasstillsittingonits plateandIdidn’twanttodisturbit Bytheendofdinner,ithadn’tmovedatall Igotupwith myfiancéeandconsideredsayinggoodbyetotheelephant IthoughtabouthowIwouldbidit farewell Ithoughtabouthuggingit Orjustwaving IntheendIsettledforaknowingglance thatIwasn’tevensureitnoticed

TheelephantinthepinktutulookedsadasIwalkedintothenight