Monday, April 3, 2006 by The Brown Daily Herald

THE BROWN DAILY HERALD MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2006

Volume CXLI, No. 41

www.browndailyherald.com

An independent newspaper serving the Brown community since 1891 RACIALLY NEUTRAL IS THE NEW BROWN The Slavery and Justice Committee report will recommend changing University’s racially charged name CAMPUS NEWS 7

STARVING ARTIST Lack of food and substance at UCS meeting leads to a trying experience for Herald reporter CAMPUS NEWS 5

MAN VS. BEAST The Penn Quaker’s aggressive side fails to bring down Bruno the Brown Bear at Wrestlemania 22 SPORTS 12

TODAY

TOMORROW

spring’s not here 0 / -32

or is it? 65 / 55

Simmons to join cast of ‘Survivor: Cambridge’

Brown offers Kim Jong-Il honorary degree in bid to one-up Yale

BY ALVIN THEODORE SIMON REALITY TV COMMENTATOR

BY GLEN SCHEUTTLER PYONGYANG CORRESPONDENT

In their quest to ﬁll the void soon to be left by departing President Lawrence Summers, administrators at Harvard University are employing an unconventional tactic that may land Brown back in the reality TV spotlight. Beginning in June, President Ruth Simmons will take six weeks off from promoting the Campaign for Academic Enrichment to ﬁlm “Survivor: Cambridge,” the 12th installment in the Emmy Award-winning series. Simmons will compete against other higher education powerhouses — including Princeton University President Shirley Tilghman and former Wellesley College and Duke University President Nan Keohane — as she vies to take over the most coveted administrative position in the country. Though the physical competition will certainly be a change of pace for Simmons, Marisa Quinn, assistant to the presisee SIMMONS, page 4

Ofﬁce of the President

“Ruth the Truth” is the new credo of Marisa Quinn, assistant to the president turned personal trainer, who is helping the president train for a stint on “Survivor: Cambridge.”

Following on the heels of Yale University’s decision to admit former Taliban spokesman Rahmatullah Hashemi, Brown has awarded an honorary doctorate to reclusive North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il. Administrators said that though the move is sure to provoke controversy, the partnership demonstrates Brown’s commitment to inclusion and its desire to become an internationally recognized institution. “Yale might try to bring different perspectives to campus by enrolling a mid-level Taliban ofﬁcial, but when Brown undertakes a project, we think big,” said Vice President for International Advancement Ronald Margolin. “All hail the Dear Leader!” Kim accepted the degree from President Ruth Simmons in a ceremony Satsee KIM, page 4

CCC ﬁnds whimsy a plus in new grading system BY LESTER MCLEGACY MR. YUK ENTHUSIAST

During a series of emergency meetings held over spring break, members of the College Curriculum Council drafted a new proposal to revise the University’s grading system, outlining a more detailed array of possible notations that could appear on students’ transcripts. Students will now be evaluated on a scale ranging from gold stars to neon green Mr. Yuk stickers. Following the vote against the addition of pluses and minuses to Brown’s grading system, members of the CCC opted to change their spring break plans late last month. All 13 members convened in Kingston, Jamaica, for what Luther Spoehr, lecturer in education and vice chair of the CCC, termed a “five-day power brainstorming session.” “There was a sense that we really needed to mix things up,” said Spoehr, who wore a t-shirt proclaiming “Jamaica me want to prevent students from gaming the system and cheapening their educations” for the duration of the retreat. Spoehr expressed satisfaction with the CCC’s final proposal, praising in particular the scale’s arbitrary nature. According to partial drafts leaked to The Herald via e-mail, the middle ranges of the scale will vary not only by department, but also by individual professor and, potentially, from student to student. Professor of Biology Jonathan Waage, a member of the CCC, expressed a grudging satisfaction with the proposed system. “I mean, ideally, students’ transcripts would reflect the entirety of their emotional knowledge and spiritual karma,

but I guess this system works better than the standing one,” he said. Waage’s contribution to the proposal was a series of smiley faces with varying angles of smile curve that “no one really understands but him,” according to CCC member Freya Zaheer ’06, whose bid to include 1980s-style “scratch and sniff” stickers in the proposal was ultimately unsuccessful. “The point, really, is to keep students on their toes,” Spoehr said. “You can’t game something that’s not rooted in reality.” Members of the CCC offered varying accounts of how the system was originally conceived. Evidently, after two days of unsuccessful negotiations, Dean of the College and CCC Chair Paul Armstrong abandoned the group to “go in search of

some adventure,” according to Zaheer. He returned 36 hours later with the fundamentals of the revised system scrawled on his forearm. Council members ironed out the details during the trip’s ﬁnal days. Armstrong told The Herald he is reluctant to divulge the details of his mini-excursion. “I can’t do justice to what I saw out there,” he said. “Sufﬁce to say, I returned a changed man. I really put myself back in touch with the spirit of the New Curriculum.” Upon returning to Providence, the CCC will recommend that the Faculty Executive Committee vote on the proposal. If approved, it will go before the full faculty later this month. A series of University-wide forums discussing the pros and cons of the new system — origisee GRADES, page 4

Democratic People’s Republic of Korea

North Korean strongman Kim Jong-Il received an honorary degree from the University Saturday.

Facebook ‘poke’ leads to awkward one-nighter BY JACK ZABIAN SOCIAL COMMENTATOR

A March 31 “poke” on Facebook.com led to an encounter over the weekend between two seniors that “can only be termed an extraordinarily awkward one-night stand,” according to participant Ethan Gold ’06. The chain of events that led to the uncomfortable, no-strings-attached sex in Eva Larson ’06’s Young Orchard dorm room began last Friday. Sitting at her Rockefeller Library carrel, Larson, a modern culture and media concentrator who stayed in Providence over spring break to ﬁnish her senior thesis on “Deconstructing the Meta-Narratives of Postmodern Celebrity Weeklies,” was procrastinating on Facebook.com. Larson came upon Gold’s proﬁle and “felt an instant attraction” to his picture, in which the San Francisco native

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is wearing an “artfully frayed” Amoeba Music t-shirt. Larson told The Herald she was “somewhat perplexed” by Gold’s interest in “spiritual ecology,” though she ultimately overcame this initial reservation. After seeing that Gold’s spring break plans included “forties in the stacks,” LarIwasa Mistake / Herald son decided to click Following a ‘poke’ on Facebook.com, Ethan Gold ’06 and Eva the “Poke Him!” link Larson ’06 had awkward intercourse on Larson’s bed. “just as sort of a joke,” she said. Gold’s reciprocal poke led to a Gold, a religious studies concentraseries of events that culminated in Gold tor working on his thesis, “Representadiscreetly tip-toeing out of Larson’s dorm tions of the Ear th Mother in Kabbalah room Sunday morning following blunsee FACEBOOK, page 4 dering sexual intercourse.

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THIS MORNING THE BROWN DAILY HERALD · MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2006 · PAGE 2 Jero Daniel Perez

TO D AY ’ S E V E N TS BLUE ROOM BUSTLE 9:50 a.m.,10:50 a.m., 11:50 a.m., continues ad infinitum, (Blue Room) — Come see undergraduates order an unprecedented amount of muffins at the end of every class period. Extra hardcore muffin action after EC11 lets out at 10:50 a.m. DRUG RESOURCE CENTER INFORMATION SESSION 3 p.m., (Faunce 203) — A wide variety of drugs is available for general consumption.

PACIFICA HOUSE MEETING 12:30 p.m. , (Steps of Faunce)— Like Paciﬁca House? Want to join? Stop by and see what the group is all about. Web site updates will be discussed. DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION TOURNAMENT 12 p.m. , (Faunce House) — Tournament is free and open to the public. Sponsored by Phi Kappa Psi.

Deo Matt Vascellaro

SHARPE REFECTORY

VERNEY-WOOLLEY DINING HALL

LUNCH — Chicken Fingers, French Toast, French Taco Sandwich, French Fries, French Wine, Vegan Tofu Pups, Vatican City Burritos, Easy-but-not-Immoral Mac, JELL-O (alive), Kielbasa XCore

LUNCH — I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vegetarian Squash Bisque, Ch1ck3n P0t P1e, Kool Aid, Vegan Tomato Rice Pilaf, Marshmallow Peeps, Milk

DINNER — Inﬁnite Ramen (beef and chicken)

Chocolate Covered Cotton Cara FitzGibbon

DINNER — Shaved Steak Sandwich, Shaved Garbanzo Bean Casserole, Shaved Wax Beans, Shaved Breaded Halibut with Cod Sauce, Suffering Succotash, Special Brownies

Homebodies Brian Elig

RELEASE DATE– Monday, April 3, 2006

C Times R O SDaily S W Crossword ORD Los Angeles Puzzle Edited by Rich Norris and Joyce Nichols Lewis ACROSS 1 Play 18, say 5 Spot for a weekend away, initially 10 Garbage barge 14 “The __ Love”: R.E.M. hit 15 Middle Eastern VIP 16 “Heavens!” 17 Feedbag filler 18 How to start a collect call 19 “Misery” costar James 20 “Long Tall Sally” singer 23 Straddled watercraft 24 Lassie, for one 26 Poetic peeper 27 Achieved with a single try 31 Hotel suffix 32 Arles summers 34 Become a member 35 Greek salad topper 36 Edward Albee play 39 Disney World’s __ Center 42 Wall St. trading group 43 “Roots” author Alex 47 Go over and over 49 Pay for one’s crime 50 __ Lanka 51 Criminal gang member 55 Greyhound transport 56 Hall of Fame Dodgers shortstop 59 Small plateau 61 “Paper Moon” Oscar winner O’Neal 62 Phoenix’s st. 65 WWII enemy 66 Bizarre 67 Walk back and forth 68 Pay (up) 69 Got to one’s feet 70 Snow glider DOWN 1 Sludgy substance

2 Ready for action 3 Beatles title words following “Speaking words of wisdom” 4 Punchers 5 Sheets and pillowcases 6 Henri’s lady friend 7 Close 8 Hot dog server 9 Vegetable often served with dip 10 The Trojans of the Pac-10, briefly 11 Chaplin or Sheen 12 Trying to lose weight 13 Came out on top 21 Bout ender, briefly 22 Steamy 23 “Average” guy 25 Historic interval 28 One-named Irish singer 29 Ladies of Sp. 30 Ozone layer concern 33 Plato’s promenade 35 Accomplishment

37 “Who’s there?” response 38 Taking out the garbage, e.g. 39 Hosp. trauma centers 40 On the authority of 41 Contributes, as for a gift 44 Conservative foe 45 Australian runner 46 Agreeable reply

48 Instructional books 49 Considered 52 Lulu 53 Brief argument 54 Cape Cod town 57 Like a no-brainer 58 Maple fluids 59 Auto club offering 60 Prefix with skeleton 63 Hockey milieu 64 Chelsea “Z”

Freeze Dried Puppies Mark Brinker

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Silentpenny Soundbite Mirele Davis

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CAMPUS NEWS THE BROWN DAILY HERALD · MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2006 · PAGE 3

Great hair, childish name-calling liven up R.I. races

IN BRIEF God pulls sponsorship of Sex Power God Citing lewd behavior and reports of drug use by attendees, the Almighty Lord has announced that He is pulling His sponsorship from the University’s annual Sex Power God party. “Given the shocking number of my pronouncements that have been violated on account of this event, I am afraid that I no longer wish to have my name associated with it,” God said in a statement released yesterday. The Lord learned that the party had become a den of iniquity from Fox News talk-show host Bill O’Reilly, whom He considers a close personal friend. Queer Alliance Co-President Joshua Teitelbaum ’08 said he was disappointed to learn of God’s withdrawal but that next year’s party will go on as planned. “Sex and Power are still on board, so we’re good,” Teitelbaum said. “Unfortunately, the Lord has made clear that he is not interested in creating a safe space for students to explore their sexual identities on campus.”

Forsberg shoots Mank in the face In what University ofﬁcials are describing as a tragic accident, Associate Director of Housing and Residential Life Thomas Forsberg shot Housing Ofﬁcer Chad Mank in the face yesterday outside Wayland Arch. The blast, from a 28-

gauge shotgun, “pretty well peppered” Mank but did not cause any life-threatening injuries, according to University spokeswoman Molly de Ramel. In an e-mail sent to all undergraduates Sunday, Mank wrote, “I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused Tommy during this busy time for the ofﬁce.” As of press time last night, there was no word on why Forsberg had a shotgun in his ofﬁce.

Class of 2010 not the best ever Dean of Admission Jim Miller ’73 announced yesterday that the class of 2010 would not be the best ever. “I mean, it’s still a great class. But we’ve simply had better,” Miller said. Miller pointed to changes in the College Board’s ability to grade exams, shorter resumes from applicants and a glut of applicants from New Jersey as the primary causes of this year’s somewhat disappointing group of admitted students.

BioMed to build PLME playground Dean of Medicine and Biological Sciences Eli Adashi announced yesterday that the Division of Biology and Medicine will begin construction next year on a playground for Program in Liberal Medical see IN BRIEF, page 6

BY LONG WALKER CAMPAIGN CORRESPONDENT

Ward 1 candidates spar over lunch money The race to ﬁll the Ward 1 City Council seat heated up again CAMPAIGN 2006 this week as incumbent CounNOTEBOOK cilman David Segal accused challenger Ethan Ris ’05 of tripping him at recess. According to several witnesses, Segal was walking to the tetherball court at the Metropolitan Regional and Technical Center, where Ris teaches social studies, when Ris tripped Segal from a sitting position. “He just stuck his foot out and laughed

as I fell,” Segal told The Herald. “Now my knee is skinned. Is that the kind of leadership Ward 1 needs or wants?” he asked. But Ris denied the incident took place and returned Segal’s accusation with his own. “David may go on about something I did to him at recess, but what about last week, when he stole my lunch money?” Ris asked. “Was he championing progressive politics then?” According to Ris, Segal came into the Met around 10 a.m. last Thursday and punched Ris in the stomach, plucking from his pocket the $10 Ris had brought see CAMPAIGN, page 6

Main Green tent city, DPhi common room among alternative housing options for ResLife BY VICTORIA GOLDENHEIM REAL ESTATE ANALYST

A persistent University housing crunch, highlighted by the recent housing lottery, has prompted the Ofﬁce of Residential Life to release a report examining alternative housing possibilities. Some notable options include the guest room of the president’s house, the common room of Goddard House, cardboard boxes on Wriston Quad and a tent city on the Main Green.

At the moment, the Main Green tent city seems to be the most viable option, said Vice President for Campus Life and Student Services David Greene. “It’s the only space on campus that can hold a huge number of students, and it seems more comfortable than cardboard boxes. You can get all-weather tents, right?” Greene’s support of the plan prompted one ResLife staff member to jokingly nickname the project “Greene Tent City,” see RESLIFE, page 8

PAGE 4 THE BROWN DAILY HERALD MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2006

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nally scheduled to take place in Salomon 101 — will instead take place next week in Perkins Lounge, a locale that “directly corresponds to student interest in the matter,” Armstrong said. Initial straw polling conducted by the Sheridan Center for Teaching revealed that a resounding 90 percent of faculty support the adoption of the new system. While these numbers reﬂect only the responses of 30 professors who had to complete an obstacle course and academic decathlon ofﬁciated by Spoehr before obtaining access to the survey, proponents of the new system hope to use these numbers as a central talking point in debates over the next few weeks.

and Rastafarianism: A Comparative Study,” told The Herald he received Larson’s poke while writing in his Barbour Hall suite. Gold said he clicked “Poke Back” out of “basic Facebook etiquette” and because he thought the brunette — pictured on her proﬁle wearing black eyeliner and lowrise jeans — was “kind of cute, though not really my type.” Larson’s original interest was ampliﬁed by Gold’s reciprocal poke, and she became all the more intrigued after she noticed Gold’s membership in “People Whose Conversations Devolve Into Discussions on the Meaning of Life” group. The pair’s relationship quickly escalated when Larson decided to

click “Send Ethan a Message.” She wrote: “how’s the thesis coming? i remember you referencing it in our ‘exploding the modern’ section last semester. wanna blow off some steam tonight and maybe, like, have some beers in my suite or something?” Gold told The Herald his message back to Larson, in which he agreed to meet, “may, in hindsight, have been ill-advised.” At midnight, Gold called Larson to let him into her room. Sitting on opposite ends of the common room couch, the two seniors shared a six pack of Stella Artois and commiserated about their thesis stress. At 1 a.m., Larson invited Gold into her bedroom to “see some of my books,” according to Gold. But when the conversation turned to late cultural theorist Michel Foucault’s interpretation of religion under late capitalism,

Kim continued from page 1 urday on Lincoln Field. Visibly moved by Simmons’ introduction, during which she referred to Kim as “an inspiration to us all” and “a man of unparalleled accomplishment,” the bespectacled, well-coiffed leader took the stage to thunderous student applause. Wearing a hooded Brown sweatshirt in place of his trademark gray pajamas, Kim tearfully told the crowd through a translator that it was “the happiest day of my life.” Simmons said the University’s partnership with the isolated North Korean regime will have tremendous beneﬁts for students. During the ceremony, Simmons announced that Kim had already donated $150 million for the con-

Gold and Larson found themselves at an awkward impasse. “I was shocked when he said he believed in ‘a greater spirit,’” Larson told The Herald yesterday. “I mean, how was I supposed to respond to that?” Unsure of how to move beyond the topic of God and religion, copulation of the most “awkward, perfunctory variety” ensued, according to Larson. “I just wasn’t that into it. I don’t know she just seemed so... nonchalant,” Gold said. He added he was particularly put off by Larson’s insistence that the two listen to a “weird” mix — featuring bands like Cannibal Ox — for the entirety of his stay. Gold crept out of Young Orchard, shoes and shirt in hand, after Larson drifted off to sleep following an abrupt end to the tryst. The next day, however, Gold was surprised to discover that

Larson had invited him to be in an “It’s complicated” Facebook relationship with her. Gold declined. “It seemed to come out of nowhere. We weren’t even Facebook friends before this, so it was rushing things, in my opinion,” Gold said. He thought about adding Larson as a friend with the friend detail “We hooked up in 2006, and it was awkward,” but thought better of it, he said. A friend of both seniors defended the weekend encounter. “This was not just an anonymous, ‘meet me on the corner of Thayer and George at 10 p.m.’ hook-up, like something out of a Daily Jolt forum,” said Eric Brown ’07. “I think Ethan understands Eva a little better than that,” he added, citing Gold’s awareness of Larson’s long-time devotion to Broken Social Scene, a band listed under “Favorite Music” in her Facebook proﬁle.

struction of the Kim Jong-Il Center for the Study of Chemical and Biological Agents and another $10 million to endow a chair in ballistic missile technology in the Department of Military Science. “Biological warfare and advanced weapons-delivery systems are ﬁelds at the forefront of today’s economy, and these donations will ensure that Brown students are able to take part in cutting-edge research,” Simmons said. Beginning in 2007, students will also have the opportunity to participate in an exchange program with the Yoduk Reeducation Camp, where they will work alongside their classmates and study North Korean history and Communist ideology. Director of International Programs Kendall Brostuen said the Brown in North Korea program will “enrich students’ educations by allowing them to en-

counter a culture far, far different from our own.” Meanwhile, North Korean cadres will come to Providence to study English and learn how to blend in with a Western population. Working with Kim’s personal bodyguards, the University implemented extraordinary security measures for Saturday’s ceremony. Several student groups had planned to protest Kim’s presence on campus, but on Friday the students learned that they would have to watch a simulcast version of the ceremony in “an undisclosed location.” Following the ceremony, Kim took a tour of campus that culminated with a late-night trip to the Gate, where Kim declared the pizza to be “much better than anything in Pyongyang.” Later in the night, Kim was seen socializing with several co-eds at a Phi Kappa Psi party.

Simmons continued from page 1

Fill in the grid so that every row, every column and every 3x3 box contains the digits 1 through 9.

Solution, tips and computer program at www.sudoku.com.

dent turned personal trainer, expressed optimism regarding the president’s chances. Emerging from the Olney-Margolies Athletic Center yesterday sporting a whistle and “Ruth the Truth” headband, Quinn told The Herald that Simmons’ progress is “exceeding expectations.” David Greene, vice president for campus life and student services, agreed with Quinn, saying he is “once again blown away by (Simmons’) dedication and focus.” Greene, who has been standing in as a dummy during Simmons’ daily, 30-minute kickboxing workouts, said he has been particularly impressed by her renewed strength and endurance. “It’s amazing — you take away a few of those campaign breakfast apple fritters, replace them with a few Powerbars and BAM!” Greene said as he clapped his hands and proceeded to jump up and down. Still, Simmons will need to disprove some skeptics, several of whom have raised concerns that her age might become a liability during the six-week competition, which includes extensive travel through Cambridge’s stretch of coffee shops, three-star restaurants and bookstores. Tolliver Carmichael, a 64-year-old Cambridge resident, said he is looking for younger competitors

cbs.com

President Ruth Simmons will appear on “Survivor: Cambridge,” the 12th installment of the popular reality series. to ultimately emerge victorious. “At the end of the day, surviving in this town is about endurance,” said Carmichael, who chose Tilghman as his top prospect to replace Summers. In order to prepare for the show, Tilghman has reportedly excused herself from administrative duties and taken to pilates, while Keohane was recently seen purchasing a copy of “Enter the Zone,” Barry Sears’ guide to all things Zone Diet-related. Though Quinn said she expects stiff competition, she remained resolute in her support of Simmons. “We’ve been doubted before,” she said. “Remember satellite ﬁtness centers? People thought we’d lost it. Thirty minutes on an elliptical in Emery, and those same people are singing a different tune.” Rafe Judkins ’05, a contestant

on last year’s “Survivor: Guatemala” who came up short in the final round of competition, had several pieces of advice for Simmons, which he relayed to The Herald in a letter sent from an undisclosed location. Judkins is currently training for a high-level position in Brown’s Outdoor Leadership Training Program. “Don’t make the same mistake I did. Those people aren’t your friends,” Judkins wrote. “Nice guys do indeed finish last, and we’ll spend the rest of our days teaching Ivy Leaguers how to build a fire while the movers and shakers spend their millions.” For her part, Simmons declined to comment for this article, saying it would be inappropriate for her to discuss the show at this time. “I wouldn’t want to jeopardize the training process,” she wrote in an e-mail to The Herald.

CAMPUS NEWS THE BROWN DAILY HERALD · MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2006 · PAGE 5

Refreshments not provided at UCS meeting BY STU WOO TIRED AND HUNGRY

Much to the disappointment of Herald Campus Watch Editor Stu Woo ’08, refreshments were not served at the meeting of the Undergraduate Council of Students Sunday night. “Man,” Woo sighed, “not even a single cookie?” Dejected, Woo resigned himself to covering the UCS meeting without even a bite of a brownie, a crumb of a cookie or a morsel of a marshmallow. Woo told The Herald the situation was “the most difﬁcult of (his) entire life.” “Midway during the meeting, I just started getting all itchy and then started shaking because of the lack of nourishment,” Woo explained as he wolfed down a cheese steak sandwich with onions early this morning. “I thought I was going to die.” The topics covered at the meeting did nothing to aid Woo’s predicament. Woo said he found the meeting to be more boring than a New York Knicks basketball game, Mitch Albom’s bestselling memoir “Tuesdays with Morrie” and last week’s UCS meeting, combined. “I mean, the few minutes with (Associate Vice President of Campus Life and Dean for Student Life) Margaret Klawunn were … magical, but much too short,” said Woo, who reportedly blew a kiss at Klawunn as she left the meeting. The meeting ended abruptly at 10:14 p.m. when Vice President Zac Townsend ’08 ate President

Sarah Saxton-Frump ’07 to assume the UCS presidency. Woo, determined to fulﬁll his duties for The Herald, persevered throughout the entire ordeal. Soon after his itching and shaking spell started, Woo excused himself from the meeting and ran down to the Campus Market, where he purchased a Teriyaki Slim Jim and a bottle of Cherry Vanilla Coca-Cola. The entire trip, amazingly, took only 16 seconds, enabling Woo to return to the meeting without missing anything important. The Campus Market goods were enough to support Woo through the rest of the meeting — barely. The itching and shaking subsided momentarily but returned to full force near the meeting’s end. Despite all this, Woo still managed to record every word of the meeting in his notebook and write a stellar piece, garnering a record 20 reads on browndailyherald.com. “I was going into seizure near the end of the meeting, but I knew I had to do this,” Woo said. “If not for myself, then for The Herald. I just wanted to give my editors the top-notch reporting that they’ve come to expect from me.” Woo’s article about the UCS meeting has been nominated for the Pulitzer Prize of College Journalism. The winner of the award will be announced April 14 at a banquet in Seekonk, Mass. Woo, in anticipation of his victory, recently rented out Spats restaurant on Angell Street for an after-party. As of last night, three invitations had been sent to Klawunn.

File photo

Sunday night’s UCS meeting ended suddenly when Vice President Zac Townsend ’08 (left) ate President Sarah Saxton-Frump ’07.

Administration follows UCS’s lead to ﬁll vacancies Finds obscure clause that allows for ‘internal reshufﬂing’ BY KATHERINE SCALP UNIVERSITY HALL INSIDER

Following recent vacancies created by the resignation of Dean of the College Paul Armstrong, Provost Robert Zimmer and Vice President for Research Andries van Dam, a largely unknown clause of the University’s original charter has been put into effect, allowing for some unexpected moves in the institutional hierarchy. Clause 42.7b sec.234x states:

“In the event of more than two administrative vacancies, just shuffle everyone around until the spots are filled.” Invoking this clause will allow administrative vacancies to be filled internally, with minimal-to-no input from the community. This will save the University from going through a time-consuming and expensive search process for the most qualified candidate, said Marisa Quinn, special assistant to the president. Quinn said the clause was

written into the code after seeing how well a similar process worked for the Undergraduate Council of Students earlier this semester. “We always like to learn something from our students,” said President Ruth Simmons. “I gathered from the situation earlier this semester with UCS that sometimes hunting through confusing and obscure regulations yields fruitful results. And, to the see RESHUFFLE, page 8

Condom thefts may put ﬁrst-years at increased risk Timing of thefts could not be worse, Health Services workers say BY NICKI CRIPLEY SEX-ED REPORTER

In the most recent episode in a month-long series of thefts, the self-dubbed “Latex Looter” recently stole condoms from every Residential Counselor in Perkins Hall. RC Jennifer Donnelly ’08 said she opened her desk drawer Friday evening intending to replenish the nearly empty construction paper pocket on her door, only to ﬁnd three box-

es of Durex Variety Pack condoms missing. In their place, she found one Trustex grapeflavored condom signed by the “Latex Looter” himself in glowin-the-dark ink. There was no sign of a forced entry. After Donnelly informed her fellow Perkins RCs of the incident, they went to their rooms to donate some of their own condoms, only to find them replaced by a signed, grape-flavored condom identical to the one used in the raiding of Don-

nelly’s supply. “I just wanted to keep my freshmen safe,” Donnelly said between sobs, referring to those ﬁrst-years who decided to stay on campus for break. “I’m so worried about them. It’s their spring break, too,” she added. “Whoever (the Latex Looter) is, he’s malicious,” said Larry Murkin ’08, another Perkins RC, as he comforted Donnelly Friday night. Murkin said he see THEFTS, page 8

PAGE 6 THE BROWN DAILY HERALD MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2006

In Brief continued from page 3 Education students. The PLME playground, Adashi said, will include a jungle gym built in the shape of DNA’s double helix as well as a play operating room equipped with plastic scalpels and a ship captain’s steering wheel. The jungle gym is designed to occupy PLME students while they wait to enroll in the Medical School. Adashi told The Herald that PLME students often complain of boredom because they don’t have to complete the normal requirements undertaken by traditional pre-medical students. “The PLME playground will keep our brightest minds here at Brown even after they receive their undergraduate degree,” he said. “This full-scale playground is yet another example of how the Plan for Academic Enrichment is expanding the University’s biology and medical facilities,” said Provost Robert Zimmer. “I’m particularly excited about the swing set,” Brenna Brucker ’09 MD’13 said.

Campaign continued from page 3 to buy a serving of “Meatloaf Surprise” in the school cafeteria. Later that day, Segal deposited $10 into his campaign fund, according to campaign finance filings with the Rhode Island Board of Elections. Segal told The Herald he would be glad to meet with Ris to discuss neighborhood traffic control measures in the parking lot after class. Chafee ’75 opposes, then supports lunch order

SafeRide to be replaced by horse and buggy

a dude ranch for re-training this summer.

The Brown Daily Herald Poll: Students like drinking and sunshine, oppose homework

Administrators announced yesterday that SafeRide vans will be replaced by horses and buggies starting this fall in an effort to cut down on the use of fossil fuels and increase the program’s overall appeal. Abigail Rider, director of real estate and administrative services, said the Dodge Caravans currently used are reaching the end of their lifespan, presenting a perfect opportunity for the transition to a new mode of transportation. “Gas costs more than oats — simple as that,” Rider said. “This is a great way to save money, lower our use of fossil fuels and give Brown a quainter feel.” Students for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, a group on Facebook.com, told The Herald in an e-mail that it plans to protest by “poking” President Ruth Simmon’s Facebook proﬁle 14 times — one for each horse injured in a buggy accident last year. Rider said no SafeRide drivers will lose their jobs, as the University will pay to send all drivers to

Students largely oppose long papers and extensive problem sets but are in favor of nice weather and alcohol, according to a poll recently conducted by The Herald. According to the results of the poll, 43.7 percent of students “really don’t like” work for classes that takes up a lot of time, while 30.9 percent “really really don’t like” said work. 78 percent of students polled noted that drinking alcohol “makes me happy” or “makes me super duper happy,” and a resounding 97.1 percent of students polled expressed similar approval of sunshine. Approximately 80 percent of students expressed positive feelings regarding the combination of sunny weather and alcohol, a number that was slightly lower than expected. While most of those who ex-

Sen. Lincoln Chafee ’75, R-R.I., made a series of inconsistent lunch orders at Andreas restaurant on Thayer Street Saturday. According to manager Shaina Brais, Chafee ﬁrst said he wanted a chicken sandwich. He then denied having ever ordered the sandwich before asking for the sandwich again. Chafee ﬁnally cancelled his sandwich order and refused to take a position on what he wanted until the food was already in front of him. Brais said the waiter brought him a hamburger, which Chafee then ate and apparently enjoyed. “It was very strange,” Brais said. “I know he’s had trouble

making up his mind on whether to vote to confirm (then-Supreme Court nominee Samuel) Alito and censuring President Bush, but a lunch order seems pretty straightforward.” Cranston Mayor Stephen Laffey, who is challenging Chafee in the Republican Senate primary, blasted Chafee for his ordering performance. “First of all, who goes to a Greek restaurant and orders a chicken sandwich? Was Wendy’s too far of a walk, or are you just straight-up allergic to culture, eh, Chafee?” Laffey said. “Give me a little spanikopita any day,” he added. Chafee could not be reached for comment. Sheeler calls for puppy’s impeachment Local businessman and Democratic Senate candidate Carl Sheeler today called for the impeachment and removal of his pet dog, Snuffles, for “high crimes and leaving a mess under the couch.” “How do we explain an amoral pet that does not get results and is violating his constitutional oath to faithfully execute his office by his gross incompetence, indifference and disregard for our home and other homes’ residents?” Sheeler asked. “Snuffles is a partisan machine of fear and empty promises. Plus, he (exple-

pressed disapproval of nice weather declined to comment, Max Rockridge ’07 explained his opposition. “Sunshine is so mainstream,” he said. “There’s no philosophical profundity to it.” Rockridge, who is a modern culture and media concentrator, lived in Perkins Hall as a ﬁrst-year. Other poll questions found that 62.8 percent of students think classes should start later, and an unexpectedly low 38.3 percent ﬁnd cafeteria food “kind of icky” or “so icky it makes me want to puke.”

Renovated Ratty to be ‘a little less gay’ The goal of this summer’s renovation of the Sharpe Refectory is to make the dining hall “a little less gay,” said Brown Facilities Manager Joe Barboza. “It’s just a little too gay right now,” Barboza said. “You can practically slice the homoeroticism in there with a knife.” Barboza said speciﬁc renovations to the Ratty will include repainting the walls a darker color, renaming the “Bistro” and “Trattoria” lines to something “a little

tive) on the floor.” Sheeler, who is challenging former Attorney General Sheldon Whitehouse and Secretary of State Matt Brown in the Democratic Senate primary, delivered his speech into his bathroom mirror early this morning. He took a strong stand against the year-old Labrador retriever puppy, which he adopted as a Christmas gift for his children late last November. “Our only recourse to these acts of malicious mess-making is to impeach Snuffles and remove him from my house, immediately,” he added. Sheeler has previously called for the impeachment of President George W. Bush, nine members of the Japanese parliament and his local postman, whom Sheeler accused of reading his mail using only his mind. Brown wins over FEC investigators with charming family Using only his winning smile and Cary Grant-like charm, Secretary of State Matt Brown ended a Federal Elections Commission investigation of his questionable fundraising tactics last week. “When he came out to meet us with his beautiful wife and baby daughter, my heart just melted,” said Sandy Harvick, a 73-year-old grandmother of five and FEC investigator. “When he

more hetero” and the elimination of the “Roots and Shoots” line. In addition, Barboza said, omelettes will no longer be served. When asked if the mural of the homoerotic interracial couple circa the 1980s would be removed, Barboza responded, “What’s homoerotic about that?”

O’Reilly producer to become Brown student Jesse Watters, a producer of the Fox News show, “The O’Reilly Factor,” will enroll at Brown as a Resumed Undergraduate Education student in the fall. Watters, who attended last year’s Sex Power God party last year to ﬁlm a segment on “The O’Reilly Factor,” said he was attracted to the University because of its “liberal” nature and “hot, shirtless undergrads.” Watters will concentrate in sociology, saying, “I hear it’s easier than reporting for Fox News, if that’s even possible.” He is also looking forward to attending next year’s Sex Power God party, “but this time without the pesky video camera getting in the way of some fun.” – Harland Pantelakis

flashed us those pearly whites, I just knew his campaign hadn’t cut a deal with three state parties to rout campaign contributions through the parties in order to evade federal limits,” she added. The FEC investigation began after the Hawaii Republican Party filed an official complaint against the Brown campaign for asking major contributors to give money to Democratic parties in Hawaii, Massachusetts and Maine. In exchange, the parties allegedly agreed to give the money to the Brown campaign, evading federal limits on giving. Brown has steadfastly defended the actions as legal. The investigation’s end was criticized as “premature” by Brown’s main opponent in the Democratic primary, Sheldon Whitehouse. “Are you serious?” asked the former state Attorney General, whose expertly parted gray hair and dimpled chin have failed so far to gain the same traction with voters as Brown’s luscious chestnut brown mop. “Matt Brown has run for office on an agenda of clean government, and I don’t care how adorable he is, he must be held to his own standards.” But, Whitehouse added, he would forgive all if Brown would just apologize for his actions. “I could never stay mad at him,” Whitehouse sighed.

MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2006 THE BROWN DAILY HERALD PAGE 7

Roach continued from page 12 Roach’s request. “Does he think that he could have done just as well? That was all me! I was the one who put us over the top. The ‘Golden Age’ of Brown athletics has begun!” he said, before juggling the three Ivy League Championship trophies. Brown and Colgate both compete in nine sports in which records are kept. In seven — men’s and women’s basketball, ﬁeld hockey, football, women’s ice hockey, men’s soccer and volleyball — Brown’s team had a better record. In the other two sports, men’s ice hockey and women’s soccer, Roach found no solace. “In (men’s) hockey, we came in fourth in a 12-team league. Big whoop,” he said. “And as for women’s soccer, I mean, would you want a team that looks like ours or a team as hot as Brown’s?” Although Colgate won its conference in football, running back Nick Hartigan ’06 was conﬁdent that his team would win. “While we didn’t play them, we beat Dartmouth, who they lost to. I can’t believe they lost to Dartmouth. I mean, I guess both schools are in the middle of nowhere, but the (Dartmouth) mascot is a freakin’ color! The fact that they were able to participate in the Division IAA playoffs, but we weren’t, is a farce,” Hartigan said.

World Series continued from page 12 cents on the subject. “I’m thinking of signing an endorsement contract with Tropicana, since I love to eat healthy. I think that my diet is the main thing that helped me break all those records and win all those awards,” he said. The decision to rename the World Series comes on the tails of the United States’ failure to make it out of the second round at the World Baseball Classic this winter. The early elimination exposed the vainglorious illusion of America as the dominating force in international baseball. Other players saw the name change and accompanying sponsorship as a boon for the game. “All I know is I get free juice,” said an excited and animated Barry Bonds. As a courtesy, Tropicana has stocked all locker rooms with various juices, hoping the vitamins, minerals and electrolytic properties of the drink will help enhance players’ performances. Bonds warmed quickly to the complimentary beverage, acquiring large quantities in the off-season and putting on over 15 pounds of bulk in time for Opening Day. Intense underground competition surrounded the bidding to gain rights to the Championship Series’ new name. The Hellmann’s Mayonnaise Company purportedly gave the highest offer but was declined because its tagline — “Simply the Best” — seemed contrary to the new image of the championship. This year’s Series will be held in the memory of former MVP Ken Caminiti, Mark McGwire’s dignity, Rafael Palmeiro’s credibility and Sammy Sosa’s skill.

“It appears that Roach is desperate to get his old job back,” said Darrell West, professor of political science and director of the Taubman Center for Public Policy. Roach also complained about having to live in upstate New York, “where nothing interesting ever happens,” and said he never realized how embarrassing it would be to tell people he worked at Colgate, “only to have them ask me if we were afﬁliated with the toothpaste company.” “I’m sick and tired of people asking me for free toothpaste and dish detergent! It’s insulting to deal with this crap!” Roach screamed, on the verge of tears. Representatives from Colgate and Colgate-Palmolive had no comment at press time. Vice President for Campus Life and Student Services David Greene scoffed at the suggestion that the University would hire back Roach, but he did leave open a small window. “You know, Ollie, the custodian in New Dorm A, is in line for a promotion. We could use someone to replace him at some point,” Greene said.

S&J committee: Change Brown name BY CARMEN CHAMELEON RACE RELATIONS WRITER

Brown students may have to buy new sweatshirts and notebooks bearing the University’s name and logo if President Ruth Simmons adopts a recommendation from the University Steering Committee on Slavery and Justice. The committee, whose ﬁnal report is expected to be released in the coming months, plans to recommend the University change its name to a more racially neutral color, sources close to the committee told The Herald. “We don’t just live in a black and white world anymore,” said James Campbell, associate professor of history and chair of the committee. “In recent decades, the color brown has become too racially charged for a responsible institution like Brown to use as its name.” When asked about the origins of the University’s current name, University spokeswoman Molly de Ramel declined to comment,

but not before erroneously suggesting that the institution was named for the color. “Perhaps the color brown meant something in the early 1600s that doesn’t apply now,” she said. In fact, the University was named to honor Nicholas Brown Jr., class of 1786, who contributed a $5,000 gift during the University’s Campaign for the Enrichment of Our Baptist Sons in 1804. The University was founded in 1764 and renamed Brown 40 years later, not in the “early 1600s” as de Ramel suggested. Associate Professor of Political Science and Public Policy Ross Cheit, a member of the committee, said the name change isn’t entirely intended to address issues related to slavery and racism. “When members of the (Brown) Corporation learned that we were considering recommending a name change, they asked us to work with Madison Avenue marketing executives to discuss the feasibility,” Cheit

said. According to Cheit, the marketing ﬁrm told the committee the Brown brand has become too diluted. “We decided we’re sick of our students joking about what Brown can do for you,” one committee member, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told The Herald. It’s not yet clear what the University’s new name will be. “All I can say right now is that the proper avenues will be pursued in the natural course of time,” said Michael Chapman, vice president for public affairs and University relations. Administrators are expected to solicit feedback from a variety of campus constituencies, including the Faculty Executive Committee, the Graduate Student Council and the Undergraduate Council of Students. “I’m just hoping that there’s already a Townsend University,” another student said after learning the role UCS will play in choosing a new name.

PAGE 8 THE BROWN DAILY HERALD MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2006

Matt:

Meeting with Angela

NOON

ResLife continued from page 3 but Greene said he preferred his name not be associated with it. “It didn’t work out so well for Herbert Hoover,” he said. Other options, such as the guest room of the president’s house, “are feasible options, but not long-term problem solvers,” according to Rosario Navarro, assistant director of ResLife. “You can’t ﬁt more than two people in there, and those residents must be willing to have

Thefts continued from page 5 had received two boxes of Lifestyles Tuxedo Condoms in the mail just one day before the attack. “I like to keep my freshmen classy,” he said. “Apparently the Latex Looter is against students exhibiting good taste over spring break.” But a Herald investigation of the Looter’s activities revealed that such incidents began occurring well before the start of spring break. Students across campus reported opening a desk drawer, shoebox or old retainer case only to ﬁnd a lone, grape-ﬂavored condom signed by the culprit in place of their condom stash. Not a single student reported signs of forced entry, although several students said they never leave their rooms unsecured. The Department of Public Safety’s weekly police logs,

Reshufﬂe continued from page 5 surprise of no one, I was right.” If recent speculation about Simmons’ desire for the Harvard presidency — or her participation in a rumored season of “Survivor: Cambridge” — proves true, Quinn herself will be up for a new position: president. Both Quinn and Simmons declined to comment on this possibility. This latest round of reshuffling is not the first time University officials have changed positions. Last year, in a somewhat surprising move, former Director of Admission Michael Goldberger became the director of athletics. “When (Goldberger) became the director of the athletics department, I realized that these appointments are less about socalled qualiﬁcations than one might imagine. So I decided to try something I could have a nat-

nightly fireside chats with the president.” As for the common room of Goddard, which houses Delta Phi, some current residents expressed skepticism about the sensibility of this plan. “That room smells a lot like urine,” said Mason Mayberry ’08, an independent living on the first floor of Goddard. “And they might use your bed as an extra beirut table. But I guess there’s more room than a Perkins lounge. Some people might see that as a plus.” The release of the report has inspired fear in many first-year

students currently on the housing wait list and a surge in applications for special housing through Disability Support Services. “I have an allergy to the outdoors,” said Hanna LoreBooram ’09, regarding her aversion to living on the Main Green. “I have to have a single in (Young Orchard). It’s a health thing.” But others expressed enthusiasm for the plan. Colton Fridenberg ’09 told The Herald he rushed DPhi but did not receive a bid from the fraternity. “At least living in their common room would be a way to get closer to the brothers,” he said.

however, have not included such incidents. The plundering of Perkins was the ﬁrst rubbery brought to the attention of DPS, Chief of Police Mark Porter said. “Students should not be afraid to report the thefts to DPS,” Porter said. “If we have recorded incidents, we can identify trends, such as where and when the thief is likely to strike,” he said. But one student who wished to remain anonymous said he would not report the theft of over 200 condoms from his room. “What if my parents read my name in the e-mail edition of The Herald they get every morning?” he said. “The last time I talked to my parents about condoms was when they found my stash in a pillowcase under my bed junior year in high school,” he said. “That was awkward,” he added. DPS ofﬁcers are now stationed outside of Health Services, one of the few buildings on campus yet to be visited by the

Looter. But keeping ill-doers out may be difficult, Lynn Dupont, assistant director of Health Services, told The Herald. “We have floods of students coming here for our condoms now,” she said. “How do we know one of them isn’t the same person who endangered our innocent freshmen?” she asked. Despite her fears that the Looter may infiltrate the Health Services Building, Dupont said she would keep doors open to any visitors. “Students have no one else to turn to in their time of need,” she said. The rash of condom thefts comes at a particularly bad time, Dupont said, as the spring season, with its “onslaught of girls in short skirts, not to mention Spring Weekend,” has been affectionately dubbed “mating season” by some Health Services staffers. “I guess we’re just going to have to stock up on emergency contraception and hope for the best,” she sighed.

ural ﬂair for,” said Lecturer in Education Luther Spoehr, who will become the University’s new vice president for public affairs and University relations. He will replace Michael Chapman, who is rumored to be up for the newly created position of University event coordinator and party planner. The details of the reshuffling process are still a little murky, according to Quinn. “The rules are pretty vague,” she said. “I guess we just kind of have to make it up.” In another move from the UCS playbook, it is likely staff members interested in certain administrative positions will make 30-second speeches to the rest of the staff about why they would be the best candidate for any given position. After each speech, the staff will vote on the candidates and then spend four hours discussing how long to discuss how long they should debate. The meeting will be closed to the public, and no refreshments

will be served. “The whole point is to save ourselves the trouble and bother of a search,” Quinn said. “Why would we solicit outside input?” Some members of UCS supported the University’s decision to fill vacancies through an internal shuffling process. “I think this proves everyone wrong who says UCS doesn’t contribute anything constructive to the University community. What’s more constructive than providing a model for a process of change?” asked Sarah Saxton-Frump ’07, who took over the UCS presidency after the resignation of Brian Bidadi ’06. “Yeah, it worked out really well for us,” said Zachary Townsend ’08, who assumed the role of UCS vice president without ever having been elected for anything. The reshuffling process will begin after Spring Weekend, allowing staff members to “really have a chance to get themselves psyched up” and prepare their speeches, Quinn said.

MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2006 THE BROWN DAILY HERALD PAGE 9

Football continued from page 12 major athletic companies, ﬁnally renovate the training room in the (Olney-Margolies Athletic Center), and anything else that will make sure Brown football stays at its current level of excellence.” Goldberger went so far as to say that all of Brown’s teams will beneﬁt greatly from the added revenue. “We gain a great boost in funds for the Nelson Fitness Center, and before we even break ground on that we can make renovations on the OMAC that students have been clamoring for,” he says. Yet not everyone is happy about the games with USC and Texas. Most of the criticism has come from outside the Brown community, in particular from other Ancient Eight athletic departments. Harvard Athletic Director Bob Scalise ’71 is the leader

Recap continued from page 12 ally sad to see him in this condition. He’s fallen a long way.” Namath and NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue declined to comment, but fellow football great O.J. Simpson weighed in. “It was just a real shock to me,” Simpson said. “But the young fans are the real victims here. What do you tell your kids watching at home? That their hero is a monster? My prayers go out to Joe and his family. Such a tragedy. Such a tragedy.” Cross country teams quit In an unsuspected but understandable move, both men’s and women’s cross country teams resigned halfway through an 18mile run on Saturday. “We were all running out near Pawtucket,” said Tushar Gurjal ’06. “And I thought to myself, ‘Wow! This sucks! I’m really, really tired.’” Gurjal stopped and explained his feelings to the team. To his surprise, everyone agreed. “We were all thinking it, but I guess no one wanted to say it out loud,” said runner and Herald Assistant Sports Editor Jilane Rodgers ’06. “Running is really hard. What the hell were we thinking?”

Estes continued from page 12 with his bashing of the intellectual capabilities of women and children. Summers questioned whether women were capable of competing with males in math and science while he was reported to have questioned whether many young children “could even read.” “He was the only candidate who we felt possessed the requisite combination of skills that a president of Harvard needs,” said Harvard spokesman Mike Jones. “Coach Estes has overseen the rise of Brown football to a level that we at Harvard, frankly, could never have predicted. For the previous 100 years, Brown football was a punchline, now it is one the best programs in the league.” While Estes only emerged as the frontrunner in the past few days, originally it was another Brunonian who was said to be the Crimson’s top choice. President Ruth Simmons was widely speculated to be high on Harvard’s wish list last month. However, rumors have

of the opposition. A Brown alum, he criticized his alma mater for the scheduling. “The Ivy League is one of the few remaining examples of all that is good and pure in college sports,” Scalise said. “By scheduling games against USC and Texas, Brown has stepped away from what makes the Ivy League great. They have sunk to the level of seeking athletics-generated revenue above all else. This is a dark day for college athletics; a very dark day indeed.” Thomas Beckett, Yale’s athletic director, is another critic of the games. “Big Division I powerhouses like USC and Texas are essentially minor league football programs. The athletes those schools recruit aren’t really student-athletes, they’re just athletes,” Beckett said. “What good does it do for an Ivy League school to play against a program like that if the only thing it will get in return is a fat check and a 70-0 evisceration?”

President Ruth Simmons fired off a striking rebuttal. “What Mr. Scalise said is much easier to say in his position, that of athletic director at a university with enough money to purchase a small country,” she said. “This money can be a great boon to our university, not just the athletic department. With the revenue generated from these two games we can finally build a student union, provide more financial aid, purchase more land for the University and make Brown an even more alluring choice for applicants.” Estes said he was annoyed with Beckett’s comments. “We averaged 34 points a game over the course of this season,” he said. “Most of our players could have easily gone to Division I programs but wanted the benefits of an Ivy League education. And if there’s one thing my players don’t do, it’s roll over and play dead. Whoever we play will be in for a fight for 60 minutes.”

The team hopped a trolley back to the Olney-Margolies Athletic Center and lifted weights for a few hours to relax.

by Department of Public Safety police offers, but just for that one day.

Machado and Buxton houses face off in futbol match Machado and Buxton houses purchased the varsity soccer field for their inaugural futbol match, as well as the Wheeler and Moses Brown schools to serve as locker rooms. Viva, Starbucks and European superstar David Hasselhoff sponsored the event, which took place on Sunday. Unfortunately, the match was called after 10 minutes when one player reportedly suffered a bruise, which was later shown to be just dirt. “Things were just getting out of hand,” said head referee Dobbs Pennybags. “We just couldn’t risk any injuries that would hinder their chances at the club later that night. In the end it was an easy call.” On a related note, an unsuspecting Herald columnist stumbled upon the match, bore witness, vomited, flew into a fit of rage, burned cars and took the life of beloved cartoonist Bil Keane. He was subdued by the small, bald guy that always wears headphones and American flag pants and practices karate on the Main Green. For his help, the bald guy was not run off campus

Brown women start new athlete sorority The Brown women’s soccer, track, lacrosse, ﬁeld hockey, gymnastics and swimming and diving teams joined forces to create the new Kappa Alpha Sporta sorority. The new house is located right across from Herald columnist Hugh Murphy’s (dilapidated) house. Community response has been overwhelmingly positive thus far. “This is the greatest day of my life,” Murphy said. “Seriously, I still get chills just thinking about it.” The athletes voiced mixed reactions concerning the new living arrangement. “The house is really nice and I love all the women I live with, but that guy across the street is kind of creepy,” said soccer goalkeeper Hilary Wilson ’06. “He’s always on the porch, always drunk and always blasting Hank Williams.” Gymnast Jessica Pestronk ’08 echoed Wilson’s concerns. “That is the sketchiest guy ever. I take that back, he’s not just sketchy, he’s a monster. I’m seriously calling the cops. I’m not joking.” Further investigation by The Herald has not turned up any evidence discrediting these claims.

been circulating that she used her underground channels of former Soviet spies to pimp Estes’ candidacy instead. Simmons was unavailable to immediately comment on the loss of Estes because she was tirelessly raising money for the Boldly Brown campaign in the nation’s heartland. Stuck in the wasteland of western Nebraska and slightly frustrated with the stinginess of the only two Brown alums who happen to live there, Simmons was able to ﬁnd the time to release a short statement praising Estes’ commitment to Brown athletics and wishing him well in the future. “Good luck, Coach Estes,” Simmons wrote. “Have fun at Harvard,

and be sure to get me Tommy Lee Jones’ autograph. Although he is no Dustin Hoffman (P’07), I simply loved him in ‘Volcano.’ ” At yesterday’s introductory press conference, a beaming Estes spoke excitedly about the future of Harvard and his goals for the university. “We are going to take it one day at a time,” he said. “But I would like to diversify the uses of our personnel. At Brown, occasionally I would go ﬁve-wide (receivers) and send Nick Hartigan on a post — just because I could. Harvard attracts some of the brightest minds in the universe, sort of like Brown. We need a fresh inﬂux of innovative ideas here in Cambridge.”

EDITORIAL/LETTERS THE BROWN DAILY HERALD · MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2006 · PAGE 10

STAFF EDITORIAL

Wars questionable For months, we have filled this space with uncannily insightful arguments, sticking faithfully to our realm of expertise — University news and administrative policies. Four hundred words on the issue of the day. Any issue. Any article. A fairly straightforward task, right? Wrong. Unfortunately, there are only so many ways to criticize on-campus apathy. And there are only so many angles one can take on issues like the plus/minus proposal and the University’s investment practices. We’ve encountered these limitations firsthand. Divestment from Sudan? Good. Dramatic revisions to the grading system? Perhaps not so much. So, with our backlog of arguments fully exhausted, we have decided to take the staff editorial in a new direction. From now on, members of the editorial board will offer up their own unique commentary on global issues. Yes, that should fill up this space rather nicely. You might be asking yourselves how five college newspaper editors plan to contribute constructively to national and international political discourse. We expected that sort of cynicism, and we’ve dutifully prepared a rundown of our credentials: One of us is an international relations concentrator. And at least two others have thought about taking PS 40: “Conflict and Cooperation in International Politics.” Impressed yet? Because we’re just getting started. We “accidentally” walk out of Starbucks with a copy of the New York Times at least two — sometimes three — times a week. When we’re feeling really ambitious, we grab the Sunday edition. Last winter, there was a cable outage, and EVERY CHANNEL but local news went out. While many less concerned citizens turned to books, we kept the television on throughout the entire ordeal. For Christmas, one of us received a subscription to the Economist, and we didn’t cancel it. We could go on, but we won’t. We have current events to scrutinize, political leaders to attack, demands to make. And we won’t stop until said demands are met. We’re starting with war. Not any war in particular, but war in general. It hurts people. We’re against it. And we think you should be, too.

THE BROWN DAILY HERALD EDITORIAL Robbie Corey-Boulet, Editor-in-Chief Justin Elliott, Executive Editor Ben Miller, Executive Editor Stephanie Clark, Senior Editor Katie Lamm, Senior Editor Jonathan Sidhu, Arts & Culture Editor Jane Tanimura, Arts & Culture Editor Stu Woo, Campus Watch Editor Mary-Catherine Lader, Features Editor Ben Leubsdorf, Metro Editor Anne Wootton, Metro Editor Eric Beck, News Editor Patrick Harrison, Opinions Editor Nicholas Swisher, Opinions Editor Stephen Colelli, Sports Editor Christopher Hatﬁeld, Sports Editor Justin Goldman, Asst. Sports Editor Jilane Rodgers, Asst. Sports Editor Charlie Vallely, Asst. Sports Editor PRODUCTION Allison Kwong, Design Editor Taryn Martinez, Copy Desk Chief Lela Spielberg, Copy Desk Chief Mark Brinker, Graphics Editor Joe Nagle, Graphics Editor

PHOTO Jean Yves Chainon, Photo Editor Jacob Melrose, Photo Editor Ashley Hess, Sports Photo Editor Kori Schulman, Sports Photo Editor BUSINESS Ryan Shewcraft, General Manager Lisa Poon, Executive Manager David Ranken, Executive Manager Mitch Schwartz, Executive Manager Laurie-Ann Paliotti, Sr. Advertising Manager Susan Dansereau, Ofﬁce Manager POST- MAGAZINE Sonia Saraiya, Editor-in-Chief Taryn Martinez, Associate Editor Ben Bernstein, Features Editor Matt Prewitt, Features Editor Elissa Barba, Design Editor Lindsay Harrison, Graphics Editor Constantine Haghighi, Film Editor Paul Levande, Film Editor Jesse Adams, Music Editor Katherine Chan, Music Editor Hillary Dixler, Off-the-Hill Editor Abigail Newman, Theater Editor

JOSEPH NAGLE

LETTERS Josiah Carberry shares family recipes To the Editor: Greetings and salutations, Brown scholars! It is I, esteemed Brunonian Professor of Psychoceramics, the one and only Josiah Stinkney Carberry. I offer contrition for neglecting the duties of lecture this most recent Friday the 13th. I was occupied with my most recent grandiloquent academic endeavor, an investigation of a Burmese terracotta saggar incunabulum. I am apprehensive that in my recent academic lucubration, I have developed into quite the bibliophagist (but of course, not literally — how delightfully absurd!) But let not this oblique sesquipedalian invective and my apparent gadzookery lead you to vexations! My subject is gastronomical. Of course, I address that glorious paradigm of gratifying mastication known by the sobriquet of “spicy chicken sandwich,” either including or sans a solitary sliver of scrumptious American cheese! While the tandem

of the chicken and beef Carberry (the veritable synarchy of ﬂavor!) has consistently proven delectable, the following stands as an advantageous culinary proposal. And now, my ultimate sophianic memorandum — I can barely withhold my surexcitation! From this moment forward, Jo’s must offer for procurement a “spicy chicken Carberry,” a succulent duplex of spicy chicken patties cradled by a tepid chignon! Surely, such a selcouth sandwich should satiate sadogues and stave symptosis. Only the most insatiable of barathrums could estimate it deﬁcient! I anticipate that the Brunonian dining synedrion will swith consider my supplication sophic. Josiah Carberry Professor of Psychoceramics April 1

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OPINIONS

THE BROWN DAILY HERALD · MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2006 · PAGE 11

Cultural awareness, one sip at a time F*cked up times call for getting f*cked up, internationally BY SKIP JOHNSON GUEST COLUMNIST

One of the most important things you can do as a Brown student is to study abroad your junior year. In this post-September 11 world, it is imperative for American students to develop an appreciation for other cultures. This is why I decided to study in Amsterdam. Living for a semester in Holland broadened my horizons. Sure, I lived in an American dorm, went to an American-sponsored university, took English-language classes largely with American professors, hung out exclusively with American students and don’t speak Dutch. But I still learned a vast amount about this strange foreign culture. And what did I learn? Well, for instance, did you know that in Holland, it is legal to purchase alcoholic beverages under 15 percent alcohol by volume at age 16? And all harder alcohol can be purchased at 18? And that there was a whiskey bar that stocked over 150 top-shelf brands only three blocks away from my dorm? I found these facts to be important parts of Dutch culture, ones I was eager to appreciate. And appreciate I did. Whether it was appreciating Dutch culture with American students in De Stijl, the bar outside my dorm, or appreciating the culture with other American students in Arc,

the other bar outside my dorm, I truly got a taste of this great land. I appreciated other parts of Dutch culture, as well. On many occasions, I would enter one of Amsterdam’s famed coffee shops and appreciate its culture for what seemed like hours. Then, I would return to my room and appreciate the culture of a bag of Double Stuf Oreos. Truly, I never could have enjoyed such an experience in America, for I respect our culture of ﬁve-

But be careful about where you choose to study abroad; you might discover that some cultures are unfortunately similar to our own. A female friend studying in Egypt recently told me that the age to purchase alcohol in that country is 21, just like in America. So I really don’t see the point of trying to appreciate the culture there. If you choose not to study abroad, however, you can still appreciate foreign culture over the weekend by making a road trip to Canada and picking up some dirt-cheap cases of Labatt to appreciate on the ride back. So hit up the Office of International Programs as soon as possible! Cultural appreciation needs to be experienced by all American students, because it’s really difficult to appreciate the culture here without a fake ID. After I returned to Brown from Amsterdam, a friend asked me if I had visited the Van Gogh museum. Honestly, I had never heard of it. I guess I was too busy appreciating the culture. Sure, I’m disappointed that my trip is over, but on my flight back to America, I smuggled a bottle of Absinthe through customs, so I can continue to appreciate that intoxicating Dutch culture for at least another month or so. Viva la cultural appreciation!

Hit up the Office of International Programs as soon as possible! It’s really difficult to appreciate American culture without a fake ID. year minimum sentences. My other friends studying abroad, too, have appreciated numerous foreign cultures. My old roommate lived in Paris, where the de jure drinking age is 16. Early on, he found this great wine bar that’s totally worth a metro trip uptown where the owner plays psychic and guesses your favorite wine. But, of course, there was also the Eiffel Tower. And Napoleon. Another friend from my first-year unit lived in Berlin, where the purchasing age for beer and wine is 16 (18 for spirits). He had a great time appreciating the culture at Oktoberfest, which ran from Sept. 17 to Oct. 3. But, also, there was World War II stuff. And some sort of wall, I think.

Skip Johnson ‘07 returned from his semester abroad with a new lease on life.

Tennessee Waltz Why the South is better than the North BY THE COLONEL GUEST COLUMNIST

Everywhere I look I see decay: spiritual, moral and aesthetic. The streets are ﬁlled with mindless roving husks of men whose eyes stare emptily forward as though out of obligation, for they are going nowhere. All around me are soot-covered and downtrodden people whose moral cowardice, which saturates every unconscious twitch of their pinched, rat-like faces, is matched only by their suffering at the hands of corporate and cosmic oppression. It is as though some hideous and unseen cloud of evil, pregnant with doom, hovers over the city and we are living in the calm before the hellstorm. I can’t help but feel sometimes that our city’s namesake is not the forgiving Christian God of the New Testament, but the wrathful and almighty deity of the Old Testament. And yet, this cannot be so, for the ancient Yahweh was, though harsh and unmerciful, a just and righteous God, unafraid to purge the land of evil and willing to destroy sinners, towns and even entire civilizations when necessary to advance his holy work. No, something worse is afoot. Something is rotten in Providence, in the whole of the Northeast and, indeed, everywhere above the Mason-Dixon Line. Lord, that I could return to my homeland of Tennessee, where clear mountain springs run through the curvacious mounds of the Appalachians and ripe young country maidens soak themselves with sweat as they work, play and make raucous love in the apple ﬁelds. You can hear the aesthetic, and therefore spiritual, degradation of humanity in the corrupted speech of northerners, whose foul, dog-like parlance falls on the ear with all the grace of the hammer of Haphaestus.

Truly northern dialects, especially the perverse accents of the citizens of Boston, New York City and Providence, are the final nails in the splintered coffin of our collective linguistic heritage. Southern dialects, however, roll off the tongue light as a wah(r)m summah’s day and greet the ears like a melody carried in the wind from some distant choir of gentle country folk who sing, sometimes sweetly, sometimes mournfully, but always beautifully and with hope. Southern dialects are as diverse and multiple as the fragrant, colorful flowers which

syllable, conveys his spiritual weakness. Indeed, the moral fiber of the southern man is more resolute, more self-denying, more temperate and ultimately stronger than that of any northern cur. Sure, “great” northern universities, bastions of the liberal elite establishment, have produced a great quantity of scholars, and yet it is undeniable that southern intellectuals are far superior to their northern peers. It was Mark Twain who created the American novel, according to Hemingway; it was Faulkner who broke the literary ground of the 20th century, transforming literature into the expression of the very consciousness of man; and it was Harper Lee who gave us the most poignant moral parable of our time. The only truly American music was produced in the South by southern geniuses like Louis Armstrong, Robert Johnson and Elvis Presley. And what does the snooty, bourgeois liberal elite, trained at the finest northeastern academies, know that can match the wisdom of the common southerner, who learns not from stodgy academics in austere edifices, but from Nature in the glorious southern landscape she has so generously blessed us with? Friends, I say to you now, leave behind your hedonistic ways, the comfort of your tiny urban domiciles, the chaos and decay of the city, and come with me to the last paradise on Earth. We shall realize Thomas Jefferson’s dream for our nation, the utopia of the educated farmer in the last untamed land. Lay down your pens and pencils and pick up hoes and shovels, and together we shall create a new world, a better world, in Dixie.

Southern intellectuals are far superior to their northern peers. ﬁll the gardens of so many rural southern homesteads nestled in the bosom of the hills. There is the incomparable breadth and depth of the booming baritone of the southern patriarch, whose silver-tongued utterances are so sonorous and so rich with overtones that his speech seems at times to harmonize with itself. And then there is the clumsily endearing tongue of the genial Appalachian yeoman, whose voice can convey the earnestness and uneducated charm of a people who have lived, and died, by the land, who have been disenfranchised by the cosmopolitan world and yet press on in their simple, chaste, Christian way of life, taking — no, earning — only what is essential, indulging in no excess and making no waste. What has the North to offer? Only the crass and unintelligible grunts of city slickers; the disinterested mutterings of the corporate stooge, whose self-absorption and sense of entitlement could not contrast more with the patient suffering of the humble southerner; and the vulgar moans of the common Yankee, who, with a single

The Colonel ’60 prefers pecan pie to apple, thank you very much.

Don’t judge this book by its cover Fleshbound book berates Brown bigotry BY DE HUMANI CORPIS FABRICA GUEST COLUMNIST

Okay, fine, so I’m a book bound in anthropodermic leather. Big whoop. Can we please stop making such a huge fuss about it? You might know me as “De Humani Corpis Fabrica,” the famous centuryold anatomy book that resides in the John Hay Library. That’s right — a book of anatomy. That’s what I am — nothing more, nothing less. But ever since The Herald published an article about me two months ago titled “In a literal bind” (Jan. 31) (Oh, a bind! As in my freakish cover! Good one, guys. Really clever.), no one seems to be able to get past the whole “dead human flesh” thing. Thanks a lot, assholes. Now everybody who walks through the John Hay Library gawks at me like I’m the Necronomicon. The librarians locked me in a glass box in the lobby like I’m David Blaine or something. Hey, kids, why don’t we all line up and buy tickets for the freakshow? It wasn’t my choice to have some drifter’s filleted ass-cheek stapled on to me, so quit making a big deal out of it. Whatever happened to not judging a book by its cover? It’s just a binding — brown, soft and smooth. What did you expect? Who cares if it was sliced off an exhumed corpse? It doesn’t have a blinking eyeball on it like the sword in “Soul Calibur,” so quit flipping out, everyone. Grow up. Look past the cover. Even after a hundred years, I’m still an invaluable anatomy text. Where else can Medical School students learn how to use leeches to sap blood pathogens? How else could they correctly read the 37 faculties as represented phrenologically on patients’ craniums? The Herald opined that the process of binding a book in human flesh might not be “ethical.” Well, is it ethical to ostracize a book as “creepy” simply for its unconventional cover? And ultimately segregate it from the rest of the books in the library? Judging me by my skin?! Segregating me from my fellow books?! I’m a victim of racism! So much for the liberal-minded Brown student body. The minute you get the heebie-jeebies from some dead skin, you hop aboard the Bigotsville Express. Meanwhile, I’m stuck here in a glass onion, suffering the slack-jawed stares of J. Crew-wearing numbskull undergrads. It’s a sacred library, so shove off already. The Herald holds an obvious bias against books bound in human flesh. Why else would it dwell on such a minute detail? Did editors discuss any of my numerous merits as a anatomy textbook? Of my handsome typeface? The tasteful thickness of my pages? It was a humiliating, prejudiced article that focused on only one aspect of my character. Does The Herald think I don’t have feelings? Books are people, too.

De Humani Corpis Fabrica, the biology book bound in human flesh, sits in a display case in the John Hay Library. Leave him alone.

April Fool’s

SPORTS MONDAY THE BROWN DAILY HERALD · APRIL 1, 2006 · PAGE 12

Harvard chooses Estes as Bruno wins title, dismantles Quaker next president in shocker Brown’s mascot wins Ivy Belt with ‘Bear Claw’ at Wrestlemania 22 BY PETE MITCHELL SPORTS INTERN

Yesterday, Harvard University announced it had found a replacement for its vacant presidential post: Brown football Head Coach Phil Estes. Estes led the Bears to their ﬁrst ever outright Ivy League football Championship this fall and is the only man to capture two Ivy crowns at Brown, his ﬁrst coming in 1999. Though his background has been limited to football, Harvard was impressed with his success in recent years. Known for his innovative approach to offense and the staunch loyalty and respect he earns from his players, Estes proved to be the Crimson’s top choice for his excellence in a

variety of areas, specifically his abilities to gameplan and to extract the best from his squads. “Coach Estes helped me become the player and man I am today,” said star running back Nick Hartigan ’06. “He may be an unorthodox choice, but you don’t need a Rhodes Scholarship to be the president of Harvard — you just have to be effective.” The most important quality Estes will bring to his new post will be his strength in dealing with the personalities that populate Harvard. His first and most important task will be to fix the sullied relationship between the administration and the faculty, which Summers had destroyed see ESTES, page 9

World Series renamed after Tropicana juice company BY KIT KELLER TOKEN FEMALE BASEBALL

REPORTER IN A

LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN

In a sudden and unexpected decision yesterday afternoon, Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig announced that the 2006 playoffs have been renamed. The MLB season traditionally culminates in October with the American League Champion and National League Champion competing in the World Series. This year, the games will be called The Tropicana Series, after the Tropicana Corporation, a world-renowned juice manufacturer. “Sponsorship is the way to go these days. Baseball needs the revenue,” Selig said in a question-and-answer session with the press on baseball’s opening day. “Plus, I love their strawberry banana Twister.”

When reminded that baseball’s annual gross was in the billions of dollars and rising in popularity after years of diminished public interest, Selig simply shrugged: “Do you know how much it costs to maintain a foreign car? Or pay taxes on a ﬁfth home? Expenses are rising, and we like the nutritious, stimulating image of Tropicana juice. This is good for the players, this is good for baseball.” Players responded to the news with mixed reviews. “Well it was a bit of a misnomer anyway, a little ethnocentric if you ask me,” stated the unusually erudite New York Yankees third baseman and highest paid man in baseball, Alex Rodriguez. Brown running back Nick Hartigan ’06 added his two see WORLD SERIES, page 7

BY PAUL HEWSON SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR

Last night, Bruno the Brown Bear made his presence felt at the biggest event in sports entertainment, defeating the Penn Quaker at Wrestlemania 22 to capture the Ivy League Mascot Championship. In a falls-count-anywhere match that saw momentum swing back and forth, it appeared the Quaker had seized the upper hand when he hit Bruno with a set of brass knuckles he was hiding in his pantaloons while the referee was unconscious. However, since the referee was unable to administer the threecount, Bruno was able to recover and ﬁght on. He was able to lock in the Bear Hug moments later, causing the Quaker to scream like a little girl and evoking memories of the Brown football team’s 34-20 thrashing of Penn in October. Unfortunately, since the referee was still out cold, the match continued. Eventually the match spilled out of the ring and into the crowd, going all the way to the top of the bleachers. Bruno administered his devastating Bear Claw ﬁnish-

Simmons beats Barry Bonds in arm wrestling In an upset for the ages, President Ruth Simmons defeated professional baseball slugger Barry Bonds in an arm-wrestling match to win $10 million for the

University’s Campaign for Academic Enrichment Saturday. Critics point to the loss as further evidence of Bonds’ steroid use. “With his trainer and chemist facing charges, Barroids hasn’t had access to the drugs that he did last year,” said baseball statistician Bill James. “I’m just surprised he deteriorated

Reginald Jeeves / Herald

President Ruth Simmons, here with Director of Athletics Michael Goldberger, beat Barry Bonds in an arm-wrestling match to raise money for the University.

ing move, eventually causing the Penn mascot to submit and beg for mercy. After his win, the new champion addressed the sold-out crowd at the Allstate Arena in Rosemont, Ill., bragging about the fourth title for Brown this year. “This one was for all the little Bear Cubs out there!” he said, referring to the name for his fan club. “Anyone who wants my title,

I’m Bruin’ up a can of whoop (expletive) for you!” After letting out his trademark roar, he walked back to the locker room, having sealed his place in history. “That Bear helped cheer me on to a championship, so I’m glad to see him get one of his own,” said running back Nick Hartigan ’06. “He’s tenacious, and I’m sure he’ll hold the belt for a long time.”

Football to play I-A powerhouses BY SIDD FINCH TIBETAN CORRESPONDENT

With the unbridled joy of its ﬁrst Ivy title still fresh in its mind, the football team has decided to take a step up and play with the big boys. According to an announcement made by Director of Athletics Michael Goldberger yesterday afternoon, Brown has scheduled nonconference games against two Division I powerhouses — the University of Southern California and the University of Texas — to start the 2011 season. “We have already proven ourselves as the best in the Ivy League, and with the building blocks that

Weekend sports recap: Simmons outmuscles Bonds, XC team has epiphany BY RICHARD MANUEL SPORTS PORCH CORRESPONDENT

Bertie Wooster / Herald

Bruno the Brown Bear, shown here using the Bear Claw, his ﬁnishing move, on the Penn Quaker, won the Ivy League Mascot Championship at last night’s Wrestlemania 22.

this fast.” Bonds downplayed the loss. “It’s early in the season and I forgot to take my ﬂaxseed oil this morning,” the slugger said. “She won’t be so lucky next time.” Simmons countered. “Doesn’t he know he’s no match for a strong, black woman? Next time I’ll use my dominant arm.” Football legend Joe Namath shows up to interview “completely sober” Several sources conﬁrm rumors that Hollywood Joe showed up to an interview with ESPN personality Chris Berman ’77 sober as a priest. Friends, family and fans feared the worst when Namath appeared stable and well-oriented during the telecast. “Growing up, Joe Namath was my hero,” said Brown linebacker Zak DeOssie ’07. “It’s resee RECAP, page 9

(Head Coach) Phil Estes has put in place over the last eight seasons, I expect the program to be at the top of the Ancient Eight for years to come,” Goldberger said. “That being said, we still do not get to prove ourselves in the Division I-AA playoffs, so logically the only way we can make a ripple on the national scene is by lining up schools like USC and Texas.” The most vociferous support for scheduling the games has come from within the Brown football community. Nick Hartigan ’06, the 2005 Ivy League Player of the Year and a Walter Camp First-Team AllAmerican, said he wished he could have gone head-to-head against the country’s best. “I loved winning those awards and contributing to Brown’s ﬁrst ever outright Ivy title, but at times this season I was kind of bored,” Hartigan said. “I averaged over 170 yards rushing per game this season, and for the most part it was pretty

easy. I would have loved the challenge of trying to run past 6’5”, 250pound linebackers with 4.4 speed and futures in the NFL. I’m glad that a future Brown running back will now get that opportunity.” While players like Hartigan love the new scheduling from a competitive standpoint, both Goldberger and Estes said they fully appreciate what the games mean from a ﬁnancial outlook. Though Brown will have to trek across the country to play games at the Los Angeles Coliseum and Darrell K. Royal Memorial Stadium to face USC and Texas, respectively, the Department of Athletics and the University will also receive hundreds of thousands of dollars in desperately needed revenue. “Our football facilities, while adequate, could deﬁnitely be improved upon,” Estes said. “We could land equipment deals with see FOOTBALL, page 9

Former AD Roach begs for old job back after Brown’s recent success BY JOLIET JAKE HERALD BLUES CORRESPONDENT

Almost two years have passed since Dave Roach left his post as the University’s director of athletics to take the same position at Colgate University. However, Roach thinks that has been quite long enough, calling several University administrators over break to beg for his old position back. All indications are that Roach realized the University’s athletic program is superior after the fall and winter seasons. For sports in which both schools ﬁeld varsity teams, Brown’s squads nearly al-

ways had the superior record. Colgate’s lone Patriot League championship came in football, but in that time Brown won Ivy League titles in football, men’s soccer and women’s basketball. “Look, I messed up OK?” Roach said to reporters outside his home in Hamilton, N.Y., where Colgate is located. “If the Red Sox can hire Theo Epstein back, then why can’t Brown take me back?” Current Director of Athletics Michael Goldberger, who moved over from his job as director of admission when Roach left, began laughing when informed of

see ROACH, page 7