Kintsugi Summer 2020: The Resilience Issue by BSP

SUMMER - ISSUE 6

THE RESILIENCE ISSUE

Art ··Culture Fashion · Beauty Travel · Self

Contents 3

From the editor Why this issue is about how to improve our resilience and keep smiling through these challenging times

A golden time With our lives on pause, Al Reem Al Tenaiji explores why this is the perfect time to steer into consciousness

The mindful five Calm your mind and soul this summer

The reading list Razor-sharp essays, thoughtful meditations on mortality and the latest masterpiece from America’s ‘foremost woman of letters’ – it’s a great season for good reads

Finding hope in adversity Author Beth Kempton asks what if we consider that a crisis can happen for you, rather than to you

The lockdown slowdown If lockdown taught us anything, it was that we could all do with going slower and needing less. And that having less left us the space to see so much more. We look at our journey from more to less…

Five apps for… resilience From simple breathing techniques for stress to finding new ways of coping, these are the apps that will soothe a troubled mind

Best of times, worst of times What is the secret to overcoming adversity? Author Amy Molloy has made it her mission to find out

Things I learned from falling When Claire Nelson went hiking, she ended up lost, injured and just hours from death. Emma Johnson speaks with Claire about survival, resilience and starting over…

Bouncing back Emotional resilience is not something we are born with, but rather something we learn as we journey through life. So how can you arm your defences against the hardships?

Making peace with your emotions In these strange times, we are being confronted with our emotions like never before. Suzy Reading suggests how we can embrace them and allow them to move through us

The Resilient Child How to encourage the development of resilience in your children

What’s your story? Telling stories is a tradition. But what happens when those stories keep us stuck? Elle Blakeman looks at how they can help us or harm us

An interview with... Carine Gilson Patience and passion are the hallmarks of Brussels-based couturier Carine Gilson. She tells Elle Blakeman about luxury, how to learn from mistakes and her new exclusive line with Kintsugi

The end of fast fashion The global crisis has thrown a spotlight on fashion’s guilty throwaway culture. It’s time to move towards a world of sustainable wardrobes and conscious choices, says Claire Brayford

Beauty cabinet If this summer turns out to be more hideaway than getaway, let beauty launches evoke far-away pleasaures. From the clear blue waters of the Mediterranean to the sun-soaked beaches of Rio de Janeiro, your beauty cabinet is your guide

Loving-kindness meditations Radical acts of compassion, lovingkindness meditations focus on goodwill, kindness and warmth to ourselves and others. We discover how to embrace deep compassion in our meditation

King Solomon’s decision

Editor-in-Chief Al Reem Al Tenaiji

A classic parable of wisdom

Al-Qayyūm The Self-Subsisting One

Be alone, not lonely How to thrive in isolation, by Najla Al Tenaiji

Managing Editor Dr Asma Naheed Editor Elle Blakeman Editorial Assistants Paris Starr Annabelle Spranklen Creative Director Rosemary Macgregor

Learning to unlearn As we adjust to a new reality, will one of the things that changes be our understanding of ‘change’ itself? Dr Asma Naheed, DEdPsy, looks to the future

Subeditor Bruno MacDonald

From the editor... “We have been granted a rare opportunity to truly face our inner thoughts and feelings”

hings have certainly changed, haven’t they? For most of us, the past few months have revised our lives in ways we could never have imagined. We have had to learn to adapt our work and living patterns, to learn new technology, to home-school our children, to care for ailing elders, to find space in crowded homes, to be lonely, to worry about survival, money, health and wellbeing, to accept a new normal thrust upon us with no clear end in sight. It has been hard and, for those caring for others as well as themselves, even harder. Consequently, we at Kintsugi have been thinking about resilience: how some people seem to have plentiful reserves, accepting equally the good and bad that life lays at their door. Perhaps this crisis is an opportunity for growth, to practise and strengthen our own resilience. That is certainly the view of Amy Molloy – who, widowed at just twenty-three, sought others around the world who have weathered hard times and stayed strong. Her book The World Is a Nice Place is an inspirational selection of stories from men and women that cannot fail to uplift. She tells her own story of resilience in this issue. For me, the really interesting thing is that resilience rarely correlates with external events. We all know people who have lived through incredibly challenging times yet keep smiling, and moving forward with open hearts and minds. This forces us to consider the idea that resilience is not something we are born with or without, but something we can create, build and strengthen over time. This issue explores the traits of resilience and how we can teach these to ourselves and our children. We look at the power of narrative psychology: the stories we tell to make sense of the world and our place in it. We explore how these can help or hinder our journey through life, and how we can let go of what no longer serves us. We also explore the power of sitting in our emotions; something we were all forced to do when our usual outlets were temporarily removed. We have been granted a rare opportunity to truly face these inner thoughts and feelings, to acknowledge them without fear or judgement, and to let them pass; to treat them, as Rumi suggests, as ‘guests in our house’.

We must remember that, for all the difficulty we face, there is also hope and opportunity. The world has been paused, providing a chance to slow down, and to assess how we spend our time and what is important to us. We interview experts on the art of slow living, of consciously stepping out of the 24/7 race that most of us get swept up in. And we learn how to make conscious decisions that benefit our lives, our families, our homes and the environment. Claire Brayford looks at the calming concept of slow fashion: a thoughtful and much needed antidote to the gluttonous, more-is-more fast fashion that has consumed the world and the planet for far too long. I hope that we can move forward, buying only what we really need and love, and foregoing the quick-fix shopping to which many of us have fallen prey. If that sounds daunting, stylist Penelope Meredith shares her thoughts on wardobe essentials that will last you for years and years. Remember that nothing is permanent, that ‘this too shall pass’ and that it is our connection and our humanity that will see us through anything that comes our way.

Clockwise from left: Sunglasses, £275, Linda Farrow. Fan, £55, Fern Fans. Dress, £3,915, Maison Rabih Kayrouz. Sun Care Water Mist SPF50+, £22, Clarins. The World Is a Nice Place, £12.99, Amy Molloy. Nudo earrings with sky topaz, agate and diamonds, from a selection, Pomellato. The Alice Emerald and Diamond Sphère, £3,435, Alice van Cal

A golden time

With so much of our lives on pause, Al Reem Al Tenaiji explores why this is the perfect time to ask ourselves questions and steer into consciousness and meaning 5

ishermen spend long, taxing days at sea. They cast their nets into the water and wait for the harvest. The nets are resilient, consistent and reliable, allowing them to focus on their craft. But there are days when fishermen cannot jump in their boats. The weather is against them or the sea is unyielding. This may frustrate the fishermen, but the nets rejoice. For these are the days the fishermen turn their attention to mending them, nurturing them and preparing them for when the sea is again calm. We can learn from the fishermen. With the world on pause, Mother Nature is taking this precious time to repair her net. As difficult as the situation is, we must endure and take comfort from knowing that the world is healing. As Carl Jung noted, â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;There is no coming to consciousness without pain.â&#x20AC;&#x2122; The lesson of consciousness is always a gift. But when pain is the giver of that gift, contentment is harder to attain. So how do we do it? How do we create a conscious space to thrive in challenging times? First, we must be ready to accept the challenge, and accept that it may be tough. We must give ourselves time to shut out all the noise and go within, healing and freeing ourselves from conditioning, just as Mother Nature is doing. Conscious repair begins with checking the stories you tell yourself. It might not feel like it, but this is a gifted time to go within and be honest about who you are, what you think, what you want and what you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t. Do the stories you create correspond with your truth? What motivates your thoughts: comfort and ease or desire and passion? There is so much power to the way you think. You control the steering wheel. Every choice of what to listen to, observe and consume is directed by you. The greatest epiphany is to realise that you can change direction at any time. Your mind is free even when your body is not. With a conscious life you can never fail. Once we learn to relax and let our soul express itself, inner healing happens. It realigns our motives and attitudes with what is truly inside rather than what we do for approval.

To explore, create and seek answers to important questions, we need to activate our minds in new ways. Inherited wisdom is an intellectual prison. We must burst through the barriers of convention and pass through the jungles of the unknown. Freedom of thought drives fresh purpose. Unwind and unlearn. A tense mind has limited space for anything new. It clings to dogma and detests change. Unless you learn to let go, the mind shrinks, creating frustration. A free mind is inclusive

and absorbs more. This is where the power of spirituality, once strengthened, can be the net that your mind needs. So use this precious time to mend your net. Like the fishermen, we never know when we need to be ready. What we catch comes down to how well we prepare. Do not be disheartened by the way this golden chance to repair has come about. Remember that things are rarely black and white, and that beauty often lies in shades of grey.

‘The oak fought the wind and was broken, the willow bent when it must and survived’ – Robert Jordan

The

mindful five Our favourite pieces to help restore your balance this season

BAMBOO LANTERN

FACE FIRM GUA SHA

Inspired by holidays in Ibiza, this small natural bamboo lantern is the perfect addition to a chic summer garden. Handmade in Vietnam, meaning no two will be the same, and finished with whitewash paint, this lantern – with its gently flickering light – will add a rustic charm to an outside dinner party. Hang from metal crooks or place on tables as special centrepieces.

If you can see the stress of the last few months resting on your face, it’s time to invest in a Gua Sha face tool. This clever beauty tool promotes lymphatic drainage to reduce toxins, and eases tension and stress-related symptoms such as a clenched jaw and eye-strain. Use for just a few minutes a day for a visible boost to your circulation and complexion.

Bamboo Small Lantern, £30, The White Company

Face firm Gua Sha, £25, Cult Beauty

CAST IRON JAPANESE TEA POT

CHILTERN MIRROR

This beautiful and intricately textured cast iron teapot creates a western interpretation of the timeless aesthetics of the Far East. Timeless and elegant, it turns tea time into a ceremony to be savoured. Made for use with both loose tea and tea bags, this solid cast iron pot can be used on a hob, a log burner or even an open fire.

With homes freshly decluttered, now is the perfect time to add some carefully considered touches, and nothing opens up a space more than a well-placed mirror. This one has the most beautiful finish. The steel is oiled, then burnt at 600°, giving it no visible welding joins meaning it has a smooth and considered effect. A true contemporary statement piece. Chiltern Small Round Mirror, £175, The White Company

Argon Tableware Japanese Hobnail Cast Iron Teapot, £40, yesterhome.com

KINTSUGI X CARINE GILSON SILK AND LACE-TRIMMED KIMONO Renowned for her beautiful designs, use of the finest silks and a couture approach to loungewear, Carine Gilson is the go-to woman for those looking for a truly special piece of lingerie. Now Kintsugi has collaborated with the Belgium-born designer to create this glamorous, sweeping Kintsugi-style robe. The perfect treat for a long evening at home. Kintsugi X Carine Gilson long silk and lace-trimmed robe, from a selection, kintsugispace.com/shop

The

Reading List Razor-sharp essays, thoughtful meditations on mortality and the latest masterpiece from America’s ‘foremost woman of letters’ – it’s a great season for good reads

TRICK MIRROR: REFLECTIONS ON SELF-DELUSION JIA TOLENTINO -

Razor-sharp yet easy-to-read essays on such subjects as the arrival of the internet, the infamous Fyre festival and how cultural heroines we hold dear shape our view of ourselves as women. Insightful, powerful and thought-provoking, Tolentino is being hailed as the new voice of her generation. Fourth Estate, £14.99

VALENTINE ELIZABETH WETMORE

NIGHT, SLEEP, DEATHS, THE STARS JOYCE CAROL OATES -

Described as ‘America’s foremost woman of letters’, Joyce Carol Oates is back with another gripping novel, using a family tragedy to explore race, trauma, class warfare, grief and healing. Deliciously intimate, this will stay with you long after the final page. Fourth Estate, £18.99

FEATHERTIDE BETH CARTWRIGHT

Told through the perspectives of a carousel of characters in 1970s West Texas, each of whom burrow deep in the reader’s heart, this unflinching yet tender debut novel illuminates the strength and vulnerability of women. A stunning debut from a talented new author. Fourth Estate, £14.99

An enchanting novel for those looking for an escape. Heroine Marea, born covered in the feathers of a bird, is kept hidden in a crumbling house full of secrets. When a tutor arrives with books, maps and magical stories, he reveals a world waiting outside the window and her curiosity is awoken. Cornerstone Digital, £14.99

THE STRAY CATS OF HOMS EVA NOUR

HAPPY INSIDE MICHELLE OGUNDEHIN

‘Our homes have the power to physically affect our health,’ says interior designer and former ELLE Decoration editor-in-chief Michelle Ogundehin. Whether your home is owned or rented, small or large, this practical guide shows you how to harness its potential to help you become your best self. Ebury Press, £18.99

Inspired by extraordinary true events, this is the tale of a young man who will do anything to keep the dream of home alive, even in the face of unimaginable devastation. Tender, wild and unbearably raw, it is a deeply moving novel that will linger in your memory. Doubleday, £12.99

A SHORT HISTORY OF FALLING JOE HAMMOND -

What happens when artists abandon tradition and question the very definition of art? From painting versus conceptual to gallery versus wider world, this book traces art history amid social and political changes of the past sixty years. MIT Press, £32.32

THE WAY OF THE MONK The Four Steps to Peace, Purpose and Lasting Happiness

GAUR GOPAL DAS -

Ever have the feeling that life isn’t going your way? Discover how to master the monk mindset with renowned motivational coach Gaur Gopal Das. He reveals how to tackle our modern anxieties with characteristic serenity, profound wisdom and irresistible humour. Rider, £12.99

HAPPY FAT:

TAKING UP SPACE IN A WORLD THAT WANTS TO SHRINK YOU

THE STORY OF CONTEMPORARY ART TONY GODFREY

Comedian and podcaster Hagen takes on the forces that tell her – and all women – to ‘shrink’ to fit in. From family using food as an expression of love to weight-loss corporations, Hagen explores the message of ‘thin is best’ and chooses happiness instead. An uplifting book about self-acceptance. Fourth Estate, £12.99

SOFIE HAGEN

Five apps for resilience From simple breathing techniques for stress to finding new ways of coping with your mood, these are the apps that will soothe a troubled mind and focus your energies in the right direction…

M O O D M I S S IO N An evidence-based app designed to empower you to overcome feelings of depression and anxiety by discovering new and better ways of coping. When you tell MoodMission how you feel, it gives you a tailored list (based on introductory questions you answer) of five simple, effective, evidence-based ‘missions’ to improve your mood – from meditating and having a bath to cooking and playing solitaire. Completing missions earns you rewards, motivating you to take steps towards becoming healthier and happier.

THE R ES I LI EN CE P ROJ ECT

B RE ATH ING ZO NE

A wellbeing app to help you develop a daily practice of identifying your emotions, recording moments of gratitude and being more present. Take yourself on a twenty-one-day programme to change the way your mind works.

A simple app with impressive breathing-focused exercises, designed to defuse stress when it happens to come on quickly. Great for people who want to include breath exercises in their day to calm the mind and body. It also integrates with Apple’s Health app to record your completed breathing sessions.

4 M OOD PAT H Emoji lovers will adore this simple and quick mood tracking app that monitors your happy triggers using – yep, you guessed it – emojis. Every day you input the icons that represent your mood and activities at that time and it provides a calendar along with statistics that help you better understand your habits. If you sometimes fancy inputting more than just an emoji, there’s also an ‘old-school diary’ function.

5 LU M OS I TY If you don’t always have enough time for quizzes and reports, this app might be the one. Simple Habit offers audio meditations as short as five minutes, perfect for the time-poor who want a quick, good quality guided meditation. Users are asked to choose topics that interest them and there really is something for everyone – from meditations for after a breakup, to post-argument relaxation, stress-free commutes and pre-date mindfulness.

Finding hope in adversity by Beth Kempton

n my trip out for daily exercise yesterday, I took myself to a water meadow, over a bridge and through a small wood. There I found a low bench, and I sat down. I probably shouldn’t have sat down, given that I was supposed to be exercising, but there wasn’t another soul in sight, and I needed this. A small stream happily burbled along beside me. Lambs bleated from a nearby field. The electric blue sky pulled my attention upwards, through the treetops, to a single cloud floating by. I closed my eyes and felt cocooned from all the stuff of the past few days. It felt so far away just then, I could have made it all up. Everything was okay in that moment. Who knows about the next moment? We never know about the next moment. But very often, in a moment tuned into nature, everything is okay. We are living through unprecedented circumstances. This global pandemic is disrupting life as we know it, in ways we could never have imagined. To remain distant is to be kind. To go to work is often to stay home. Legendary businesses are struggling. Obscure businesses are flourishing. People whose jobs seemed aspirational have seen their work branded ‘nonessential’, and watched income streams vanish overnight. Many people on minimum wage are helping to keep the rest of us alive. We are more interested in buying flour than catching up on celebrity gossip. Travel bloggers are going nowhere, and veggie growers are suddenly cool. It is very, very easy to let it overwhelm you. But if you can find ways to step back and look at the bigger picture of what is happening, and what good can come from our entire world slowing down, this is a real opportunity too. What if this is happening for you, not to you? Consider that for a moment. Consider the notion that all of this is in your highest interest in the long term. Not the loss you have experienced, but what that loss taught you about what matters most. Not the cancellations, but the spaces they opened up. Not the money worries, but what they made you realise about what you really need.

What if this is happening for you, not to you? Not the sorrow, but how you were comforted. Not the hardship, but what it taught you about your resilience. Not the pain, but what it taught you about love. It is an opportunity to notice what really matters to you, when many of the things you take for granted have been stripped away. It’s an opportunity to practice resilience, and positivity, and actively seek new possibilities in this shifting world. And it’s an opportunity to remind ourselves that we never really know what is coming next, so we may as well get used to uncertainty. What has this time taught you about the way you want to live? What has it shown you about the way we have all been living? What do you want to carry forward from this time, and what do you want to cast aside, knowing that you no longer need it in your life? And what do you want to prioritise beyond this? Now is a good time to ask yourself questions like this, yet not rush to find answers. If you find yourself struggling to cope with the news of all that is going on in the big wide world, zoom in on a detail – in nature, in the day-to-day moments of your life as it is right now, or your own breath. If the everyday pressures of money, relationship tensions and so on have come under the microscope and are stressing you out, zoom out to the bigger picture of opportunity. What is possible because this has happened? Keep shifting between the detail and the big picture, and you will start to see new ways of doing, being and thinking. We are standing at a threshold. What we do with this time, and how we think about it and use it and move beyond it, will change the course of each of our lives.

Let’s take this moment, and use it well. It can be a gateway to a more meaningful life, if you choose to see it that way. Beth Kempton is the author of We Are in This Together: Finding hope and opportunity in the depths of adversity (Piatkus), a practical and inspiring compass for navigating these turbulent times, and moving from resistance to resilience, to take care of yourself and your family in the chaos. It will help you stay calm, figure out what to prioritise, simplify your life and lay the groundwork for renewal

Best of times, worst of times What is the secret to overcoming adversity? Self-help author Amy Molloy has made it her mission to find out

am very resilient. That may come across as an arrogant thing to say, like calling yourself very pretty or very clever, but past experience proves it. The first quarter of my life can best be described as eventful. I was raised in a family with a history of mental illness, and my father was paralysed from Hodgkin’s Lymphoma when I was a teenager. This led to a spiral of eating disorders that I, mostly, overcame by moving from London to Sydney. It was there that I fell in love with an Irishman – who was diagnosed with terminal cancer eight months later. At twenty-three, I walked down the aisle to a man who I knew would die shortly after our wedding. Three weeks later, he had a stroke as I lay in bed beside him and I became a widow. This amalgam of traumas could be life-destroying. But I write this as a thirty-six-year-old, healthy, happy woman with a fulfilling career and a loving relationship with my parents and my partner. In June, our third child is due – in the middle of a global pandemic. Yet despite this mountain in our path, I’m okay. Resilience – an ability to adjust to misfortune – has turned events that could have been setbacks into springboards. My past also inspired my career path. As a journalist, editor and self-help author, I’ve spent the past fifteen years tracking down amazing people who have faced amazing challenges: 9/11 rescue workers, survivors of plane crashes, tsunami escapees. I’ve also seen evidence of how ‘everyday’ events – particularly in our younger years – can help foster resilience that we just don’t learn if we never face heartbreak.

In a post-COVID society, it’s natural that we will be left with fears. We’ve seen, firsthand, how normal life can evaporate in an instance, and that’s unnerving. However, there is an upside to surviving trauma. According to the American Psychological Association, resilience is an ‘ongoing process that requires time and effort and engages people in taking a number of steps to accomplish’. So if your life has been a series of challenges, you’re #blessed – you’ve had practice! Researching my memoir The World Is a Nice Place, I emailed everyone in my contact book, no matter how well I knew them, with the subject line, ‘Are you resilient?’ Within two hours, my inbox filled with stories of survivors: people who had been paralysed, lost parents and been made redundant from dream jobs. The common thread? Nobody believed they had been born resilient – they worked at it. The same coping mechanisms came up time and again. Focus your energy on looking for solutions. Identify the problems you can solve rather than concentrating on elements that are beyond your control. Don’t compare yourself to other people. And, above all, practise gratitude for what you do have. One of the most memorable emails came from Australian life coach Lisa Cox. At twenty-four, Lisa had a brain haemorrhage and spent a year in hospital. She ‘died’ twice as her organs shut down. Lisa underwent more than a dozen operations, including the amputation of one leg, all her toes and nine fingertips. Yet she managed to focus on the positives. After her

fingertips were amputated, she focused on still having one thumb. And she wrote a tongue-in-cheek list of the benefits of having only one leg, including a fifty per cent discount on leg-waxing and half-price reflexology. It’s not always easy, but a sense of humour is an important part of resilience, as is radical selfacceptance (just ask Oprah!) and surrounding yourself with positive people. Personally, I believe we all signed a ‘soul contract’ before entering this life: to be a partner, carer, mother, teacher, storyteller, creative or any other role we are drawn to. One of my favourite mantras is, ‘You were created to cope with these circumstances.’ This reduces one of the side effects of trauma – feeling out of control – because I believe I made the choice to experience these situations. It’s how I’ve coped with being pregnant during a pandemic. If I’m tempted to dive into ‘what-if’s, I remind myself that this baby knew what she was getting herself into when we conceived her. It might sound glass-half-full but, from my research, trust is a key component of resilience. The trust that one day we’ll be happier. The trust that tomorrow may be easier. The trust that we are capable of withstanding challenges even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time. ‘There’s no such thing as ruining your life,’ novelist Sophie Kinsella observes. ‘Life is a pretty resilient thing, it turns out.’ Amy’s latest book The World Is a Nice Place: How to Overcome Adversity is available now. amymolloy.com.au, @amy_molloy

Things I learned from falling When Claire Nelson went hiking to escape an unfulfilling life, she took a wrong turn on a desert trail, and ended up lost and gravely injured. Four days later, hours from death, she was miraculously rescued. But the girl who fell into a canyon was very different from the one pulled from it. In the midst of the global pandemic, she told Emma Johnson about survival, resilience and starting overâ&#x20AC;Ś

t often happens in our lives that we go searching for one thing, but end up finding something else entirely. As we journey to explore ourselves, new truths are uncovered along the way and, in many instances, our destination changes, shifts or moves – or is simply never reached. For Claire Nelson, this couldn’t be truer. Fed up with a life in London that felt empty and meaningless, having battled depression and anxiety, and feeling lost and needing to disconnect, Nelson took up the offer of housesitting a friend’s desert ranch home on the edge of Joshua Tree National Park in California. A lover of the outdoors, a keen hiker and a fan of solitude, she was sure this adventure would be the tonic to the nagging sense of self-doubt, fear and uncertainty that stalked her days. ‘I had gone looking for wilderness, and now it had found me,’ she writes in her recently published Things I Learned from Falling. In her book, Nelson sets off on a hike to the Lost Palms Oasis, a journey from which she very nearly doesn’t return. It’s an ordeal that she chronicles with exacting honesty. Wandering off the main route, she slips from a boulder into a narrow canyon, shattering her pelvis. Unable to move, and hidden from view, miles from the main pathway, she lies alone for four days, becoming increasingly dehydrated and slowly facing the reality that rescue is a very remote possibility. With nothing to do but contemplate her own death, and by association her own survival, her days shrink into a terrifying seesaw of coping with the searing midday heat and the chilling cold of a desert night. She aches for the sun’s warmth each morning, then gasps for the relief of shade. Meanwhile, hydration threatens to consume her every waking thought. But the mind is a cruel beast that leaves space for plenty of self-doubt and self-flagellation. Alone, lost,

Making mistakes and failing, and making decisions that didn’t work out as expected, were part of life. I could not regret those things because they were the marks of having lived

hopeless, Nelson is brutal about her past challenges with mental health and the choices she made that led her to find herself lost in the middle of the Californian desert, and open about what she learns during her ordeal. She provides transcripts from the video selfies she made while lying in the desert, waiting for death, hoping for rescue. They make for uncomfortable reading. ‘This is not the way I wanted to go,’ she says at one point. ‘I don’t want to be here. (Sobbing) I really don’t want to be here.’ She considers all the ways she has isolated herself in the past, pushing people away to make her appear stronger – yet only, as she begins to realise, making herself weaker in the process. The recriminations flow fast and free. ‘It’s your fault; you’re such a loner,’ she repeats, over and over, castigating herself for choosing isolation because of a fear of getting hurt or letting people get too close. ‘My biggest regret was fear,’ she writes. ‘The utter bloody pointlessness of it all.’ She recalls how she has moved through her life from place to place, and group to group, never allowing anyone close enough to see her vulnerability, never allowing herself to connect with other people, never giving herself a chance to make those vital human connections that make us feel whole, loved, accepted. As she lies in the baking desert, broken and lost, Nelson is sure that, because of her life choices, she is now utterly, utterly alone. But, as it turns out, the importance of human connection becomes the thing that saves her life. After friends of hers start to worry – having seen no recent posts on her Instagram account – they alert the authorities, and a search and rescue team is despatched to find her. Against all the odds, the rescue helicopter flying over the vast Joshua Tree National Park spots a tiny movement in the rocks below as it is making a return journey to base. Nelson is found alive, and saved.

Without those friends, without someone noticing she was gone, Nelson would never have been rescued. And for her, and the book as a whole, this is her central message: that in trying to protect ourselves from hurt, through fear and isolation, we leave ourselves more exposed to crisis and danger. The answer she says, is to open our hearts to pain and vulnerability – because in doing so, we also open them to love and connection. Charting her recovery – both physically and mentally – Nelson expertly guides us on her journey from a strong, distant, solitary character, who keeps her emotions pushed down, to someone deeply connected with both herself and others. She cries, daily, welcoming with warmth and love the many family and friends who travel from all over the globe to be at

her bedside. She is suddenly openhearted and positive. \I felt like love was oozing through my veins, so thick and fast that I felt the greatest affection for everyone who came into my orbit,’ she writes. And so, like her pelvis – which in her fall had been reduced to splinters – Nelson begins to pick up the pieces of a life gone wrong, and slowly put it back together. ‘I had a second chance at life now, and this life, this new and brilliant second life, would not be like the one before,’ she writes. ‘There I lived in an emotional fortress, a sanctuary in which I could be safe from the things I was afraid of, but which was also keeping the good and the great out. It had become an obstacle to connections. This whole time I was locking myself in a room with my fears. It was time to put an end to this. In this life, I would be open.’

CLAIR

It’s uncomfortable viewing – I don’t really like to watch them. I am so removed from the mindset I was in when I recorded those videos that I feel strangely distanced from them. What’s interesting to me about them is that I’d never planned what I would say when I pressed record, no intention of posterity, and that’s really evident. I ramble, I repeat myself, and I don’t really film much of my surroundings. It’s something I did from a momentary, instinctive need to be seen, and heard, and to feel less alone. Some of my recordings are directed at my loved ones, but for the most part I am just talking – a conversation between me and the camera. Being so removed, even I tend to feel a bit intrusive watching them. What has this experience taught you about vulnerability? That being vulnerable isn’t the same thing as being weak – nor is it a weakness. I think we can so often confuse the two. Vulnerability is just part of being human. I think of it as the part of us that has needs that we can’t meet alone – that fundamental longing to be known, loved, and understood. So, if we try to hide that part of ourselves – or any part of ourselves, for that matter – then, of course, we’re never fully seen or recognised. That was a big part of what drove me into feelings of loneliness and disconnection. One of the rescuers describes you as having ‘the mindset to survive’. What do you think is a ‘survival mindset’? I can only speak from my own experience and mindset, as it’s all I know. We all have that biological instinct to stay alive, and I think a lot of people would surprise themselves in that kind of situation. But if I were to describe the most optimal ‘survival mindset’, it would be one that straddles logic and hope, with a firm footing in each. When survival mode kicked in, my mind shut out all of the ‘unnecessary’ emotional responses and shifted into a purely practical way of thinking. So I guess the more practical a person you are, the more tools you’ll have in that regard. But by far one of the greatest tools is hope. Where the mind leads, the body will follow. So you want to hold onto hope for as long as you can. The effect it has on everything else is remarkable.

Q&A

How do you feel watching the videos you made in the desert back now?

NELSO

In the midst of a global crisis, how did your experiences arm you with the tools to cope? When I came back to London, I planned to live a life less reclusive. So it was surreal to go headfirst into a lockdown, and on my own. Thankfully, I’ve always been comfortable in solitude, but now I feel better equipped to avoid it becoming isolation. I know the value in asking for help, and how to accept it without feeling I’m a burden. How to overcome the fear of ‘getting it wrong’ and instigating connections – with neighbours, strangers online – and being open to that human connection in a real way, something we all need more than ever before. I’ve also had to forgive myself for how much time I’m spending online again – something which almost came to be a deathbed regret – as these are exceptional circumstances. But I remember how vital it is to go offline too, and soak in the present moment, taking in the tiny little details around me. It sounds corny, but that is when I’m most clearly reminded that I am here and living. Where I best tap into the deep gratitude for life that I carry. Even on days where my mood slumps to the floor and everything is a struggle, there’s that part of me that is grateful to be right here, feeling these things, the good and the bad. Because I almost missed out on feeling any of it. You talk about the importance of human connection. Can you explain why this is such a key thing for you? Opening yourself up to connection is very much like writing a book: you face the fear, become vulnerable, and put this thing out there, knowing everyone will have an opinion. Some will hate it, some just won’t get it, while for others it’s absolutely not their cup of tea. But there are also those for whom it has resonated, who have found comfort and strength in this story, who have reached out to tell me it has made them feel less alone. And so, the same goes with human connection. You cannot be afraid to put yourself out there and let people see you. The positives gained will always far outweigh any negatives. Since the accident, and the book being published, I feel more seen than I ever have – which has led to stronger, more authentic relationships with the people in my life, and a greater acceptance of myself. And that’s really down to me pulling back the curtain and saying, ‘This is me: here I am.’ Before, that felt impossibly terrifying. What if I was misunderstood? What if I was rejected? What if I was disliked? The thing is, those things are possible, but the opposites are all possible too – and what if they happened? What would that be like?

Bouncing back Like bamboo in a hurricane, resilient people bend but do not break in challenging situations. But how can you achieve this positive outlook?

elationships. Motherhood. Work. Health. Most women understand what it’s like to face challenges on a day-to-day basis. The juggle is real. And when we’re stressed, we go one of two ways. We fold under the pressure, or we call on our resilience to pull us through, moving forwards with confidence. Not downplaying adversity, but not being ruled by it. Being emotionally resilient means being able to weather the storms of relationship struggles, financial woes, professional uncertainty, family problems, loss, grief, depression, upheaval and change. Resilient people adapt to adversity. They deal with minor stresses easily, and have the tools to cope with serious setbacks. They do not run and hide from the difficult things in life, but anticipate them, tolerate them and even learn from them. ‘It is shifting one’s objective in life from avoiding pain to building meaning,’ wellbeing expert Brianna Wiest writes on forbes.com, ‘recognising that pain will be some part of the journey.’ Developing emotional resilience means making yourself better able to recover from challenges, losses, shocks or unexpected problems. It arms your body and mind with the wherewithal to deal with emotional uncertainty, pressure and stress. And while some people are more naturally predisposed to being resilient, everyone can learn the basics.

Being emotionally resilient means

being able to weather the storms

Know yourself

Know the difference

Self-awareness is key. Understanding how you deal with uncertainty and challenges is a step towards being prepared when they come. If you understand what you’re feeling, and why, you can control your responses. You will also better understand the feelings of others.

Don’t let your struggles define you. Being anxious about something does not mean you are an anxious person. Being frightened of something doesn’t make you a wimp. ‘Adopting an idea about yourself into your identity means that you believe it is who you fundamentally are,’ notes Wiest, ‘which makes it significantly more difficult to change.’

So, teach yourself self-care. Give yourself time to process things, understand yourself better, be present, be real, and move forward. Don’t hide from the realities of life. Expect them, and be prepared for them. ‘Everything in your life that is sabotaging you is the product of being unwilling to be present,’ says Brianna Wiest. ‘We shop, spend, eat, drink, dream and plan our way out of the present moment constantly, which means that we never confront the feelings that we are carrying around. Being present is essential for developing mental strength and emotional health, because it allows us to actually respond to our thoughts and feelings in real time, and to confront that which unnerves us before we adopt unhealthy coping mechanisms.’ Not dwelling on things is also important. Get out of your head and simply be in the moment. Strike a balance between knowing yourself well and not indulging in self-criticism and over-analysis.

Know your people Surround yourself with good people. You might be a strong person, but you need strong support. Friends and family who help and encourage emotional resilience are important. Even tough people sometimes need to ask for help. Be confident that when you ask, it will be given with love and understanding. ‘Practise being straightforward and assertive in communicating with others,’ says Mind. ‘If people are making unreasonable or unrealistic demands on you, be prepared to tell them how you feel, and say no.’ Look beyond your physical support network for inspiration. Being spiritual, in whatever form that takes for you, and being connected to your spiritual side, is empirically linked to emotional resilience.

Recognise that there is you and yourself, and then there are the things that happen to you. There are things you can control and things that you can’t. Practise acceptance. Emotionally resilient people believe that they, rather than outside forces, are in control of their own lives. If you take responsibility for what happens in your life, you will be more adept at problem-solving, and your reactions will be positive and constructive. ‘Find balance in your life,’ advises Mind, the UK mental health charity that has written extensively on emotional resilience. ‘Try making a decision to focus some of your energy on other parts of your life, like family, friends or hobbies. This can help spread the weight of pressures in your life, and make everything feel lighter.’

Arming your defences From a solid support network to good health, this is our quick checklist for a resilient life… FIND YOUR ZEN Save a few minutes each day to close your eyes, breathe deeply and calm your nerves. Relax with meditation, do yoga, walk the dog, enjoy a bath or listen to a podcast. Identify what helps you feel calm and make time for it. It’s especially helpful if this is an activity that is completely different from the things that cause stress.

BUILD YOUR TRIBE Even if you’re busy, or feel low or worried, make time for friends and family. It will be time well spent. Sometimes, just telling people close to you how you’re feeling can make a big difference. Reach out, trust your tribe and take strength from them.

CULTIVATE KINDNESS Taking a break – physically or mentally – is important. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time off from being tough and expecting too much of yourself.

Know the possibilities Emotionally resilient people see the positives in most situations. They believe in their own strengths, and trust that they can handle problems when they arise, rather than fearing them arising at all. ‘Expect the fearful thought, but recognise that it is not always reflective of reality,’ says Wiest. This shifts your mindset from a victim mentality to an empowered one. Laugh, too. It is the best medicine and it affects how we physically react to stress. At times of uncertainty, it can be a great way to get perspective. Threats become challenges, not obstacles. Problems present opportunities for learning and growth.

CARE FOR BODY AND MIND Getting enough sleep and being fit and healthy are key to arming your mind against stress. Even small changes such as going for regular walks, altering what you eat and going to bed earlier can make huge differences to your mental wellbeing, and in turn your resilience.

FIND PERSPECTIVE Resilient people know what they can control, and focus only on those things. They see the bigger picture and know that there is always more to something than their part in it. In any challenging situation, focus on what you can do, not what you can’t.

BUILD YOUR CONFIDENCE And learn from your mistakes; don’t deny them. Allow stressful situations to make you stronger and even add meaning to your life. ‘Reward yourself for achievements – even small things like finishing a piece of work or making a decision,’ says Mind. ‘And forgive yourself when you feel you have made a mistake, or don’t achieve something you hoped for.’

Trust yourself and follow your intuition. Keep a diary of moments where you used your instinct and it paid off. Return to it. Create a mantra that reminds you of your strengths and that you can call on to help you through a challenge.

With this approach, life becomes something to face head-on. You are no longer fearful but interested, ready and welcoming for all that life has to offer.

A fixed mindset limits us. A growth mindset tells us that we can learn from our experiences and we can grow. This means we are open to all of life, even the hard parts. Use a growth mindset when you make mistakes. It will turn them into opportunities.

KEEP GROWING

The resilient child Self-confidence begins with strength nurtured from an early age. We look at five ways to encourage emotional resilience in children

aising resilient children is an important part of being a parent. Children who believe in themselves, and who know how to solve problems but not to be afraid of mistakes, can face life’s challenges with confidence. ‘Resilient kids,’ psychotherapist Lynn Lyons told psychcentral.com, ‘have a sense they can figure out what they need to do and can handle what is thrown at them.’ But how to achieve this? It’s hard for parents to balance meeting a child’s needs, supporting them through challenges, and showing them how to deal with adversity and failure. ‘We have become a culture of trying to make sure our kids are comfortable,’ says Lyons. ‘We as parents are trying to stay one step ahead of everything our kids are going to run into.’ The problem? ‘Life doesn’t work that way.’ Children learn by making mistakes. They need to know that it’s okay to make those mistakes and that there is support when they do. The best foundation is a robust, supportive framework in the home, from which children can take tentative yet brave steps into learning. Psychologists call this the ‘scaffolding’ that parents build: not solely to shield children from harm or uncertainty or mistakes, but to be a foundation from which they can launch their adventures. ‘In being kind to children as they face up to life’s inevitable disappointments, we can teach them to cope with frustration better,’ psychotherapist and author of The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read Philippa Perry told financialtimes.com. ‘Moments of connection, of being seen and understood, are important to all of us.’

Be there Children are born with a degree of resilience. Your job as a parent is to nurture that and encourage it as much as you can. ‘Resilience comes from relationships,’ Dr Rangan Chatterjee toldThe Guardian. ‘Children need nurturing. It’s not a magical “inner strength” that helps kids through tough times; instead, it’s the reliable presence of one, supportive relationship – be it parent, teacher, relative, family friend or healthcare practitioner.’ Being a consistent parent is important for helping to develop a child’s resilience. Regular one-to-one time is a key way to build that consistency. They need to know they can rely on you to be there, to be present and to listen. Even if it’s just ten minutes, a couple of times a day, give them your full, loving attention. This time needs to be regular and reliable, so a child will trust in it. That certainty will encourage them to try new things, and to take risks, but also to fail. When they make mistakes, they learn. They can do this only with your love and support as a safety net, knowing that nonjudgmental help is always available if they need it.

Foster feelings ‘Acknowledge a child’s feelings and tell them that their feelings matter,’ says Amy Morin, author of 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do. ‘That makes a big difference in whether they perceive if their feelings are okay – that it’s okay to be scared and still do something anyway.’ Talking with children about their feelings allows them to understand themselves better and to identify how they feel when things get hard. It also lets them know that they have the strength to make themselves feel better when they need to. Don’t downplay how a child feels: even if it seems silly to you, it’s massive to them. As adults, we are still learning to be in our feelings. This is just as important for a child. When they can let their feelings move through them, they can understand that disappointment, fear, worry or sadness are parts of life, and not things to be afraid of.

Embrace mistakes ‘View mistakes as opportunities for learning,’ says Sam Goldstein, psychotherapist and coauthor of Raising Resilient Kids. ‘Your words and actions must show that we all have something to learn from making mistakes.’ Counsel before criticising. Children make mistakes all the time – some big, some small. All are opportunities for learning, not something to be afraid of. It’s important that your child understands this. Where you can, share their frustration and their confusion. Then look at unpicking what happened and seeing what they could do differently. You will teach a child that mistakes are okay, and help them begin to solve problems and troubleshoot as they go through life.

Be a role model Children might not listen to what you say, but they echo everything you do. ‘Your kids are watching how you cope with your emotions,’ observes Amy Morin. Modelling a resilient approach to life is a great way for them to see it as the norm and to understand what it looks like. This means owning up to your mistakes, sharing your gratitude even on bad days, talking about things you’ve learned, and dealing with setbacks in an accepting, honest way. Talk to your children about the traffic queue you’re in, the job you didn’t get, or the important news you’re waiting for. Be honest about what these things mean to you. Allowing your children to see you work through life’s challenges, and to thrive amid them, is the best lesson in resilience you can offer.

Build on strengths ‘Children become resilient when they know their strengths and can focus on those,’ says Sam Goldstein. Resilience can be nurtured in children by doing simple things that encourage them. Always focus on their strengths, and how they can use those to overcome problems. A child that knows their strengths will be able to call on them in times of need, and to recognise their own potential. As you build that supportive scaffolding, make sure it includes a strong sense of self-belief and self-awareness. Knowing what resources are at their disposal when problems arise helps them to feel confident that they can overcome adversity.

‘Life doesn’t get easier or more forgiving. We get stronger and more resilient’ – Steve Maraboli

Making peace with your emotions In these strange times, we are being confronted with our emotions like never before. Suzy Reading suggests how we can embrace them and allow them to move through us

33 21

There are no good or bad emotions. Each one has its place and purpose

eel like you’re riding a rollercoaster of emotions? You’re not alone. And while there are valid reasons and it’s totally normal, there are things you can do to help yourself feel calm. It helps to understand the purpose of emotions and what it means to be emotionally healthy. We all need a toolkit to help us with difficult feelings and safely move through them. Emotions are running high for everyone: fear, anxiety, worry, grief, loneliness, fatigue, anger, resentment, frustration, irritation and boredom. They might be punctuated by waves of hope, gratitude, awe and love. These feelings are a completely natural response to uncertainty, lack of control and freedom, very real concern for our health, being separated from loved ones, financial strain, stress on the frontline, the pressure cooker of quarantine life and the squeeze of working from home while home schooling. Many of the ways that we usually distract ourselves or manage our emotions are limited, whether it’s the gym, yoga classes, shopping, the cinema, coffee shops or pubs. It’s no wonder we are all feeling more confronted by our emotions than ever before. Don’t worry if it all seems new to you. There are things we can do to help ourselves feel better. This chapter won’t last forever but, until there’s a resolution, going gently will make all the difference.

You are not your emotions. They are just passing experiences

What are emotions?

Emotions are messages from your body, designed to keep you safe and living harmoniously with other people. There are no good or bad emotions: they all have their place and purpose. Some are more pleasurable than others – but, because they are messages, we need them all. We feel anger when we are threatened, helping us to stand up for ourselves and those in our care. Anxiety and fear alert us to potential danger. Sadness and grief signal that we need to take time out to soothe and heal. Loneliness prompts us to reach out and reconnect. Guilt reminds us to observe our moral compass. But while emotions call to us to check in, they are not facts. We need to judge whether the message is correct and whether action is required. We also need to choose mindfully what that action might be. And it’s helpful to acknowledge that you are not your emotions. They just passing experiences. Having anxious and angry feelings doesn’t mean that you are an anxious, angry person. Emotions are temporary; remember, ‘This too shall pass’. What does ‘emotional health’ mean?

Emotional health is the capacity to feel and move safely through all your emotions: the delightful, the heavy, and all the ones in between. Our emotional health is nurtured by our ability to notice our feelings, to accurately identify them, to express them and move through them without harming ourselves or others. We are not aiming for perpetual happiness. It’s not attainable. We cannot selectively eradicate any emotion – and, if you numb yourself to one, you numb yourself to them all. We just need ways to help us sit with them and choose what to do next.

Suzy is an author and chartered psychologist and coach, specialising in self-care. Her new book Self Care for Tough Times is out this month. www.suzyreading.co.uk @suzyreading

Five steps to managing your emotions

Allow yourself to have a normal response to what you are going through. Ask yourself: how would anyone feel in your circumstances right now? Self-compassion is essential: be tender and kind as you notice your feelings.

Feel your emotions. Give voice to them. Express them. It dissipates their charge. And there are different ways to do that: Say them out loud and have them validated by someone else, validating yourself too. Write them down. Rip them up if you’re venting, or keep more loving and grateful expressions in a journal to be savoured.

2 Acknowledge and accept that, right now, this is how you feel. It won’t be like this forever and denying the emotion or pushing it away doesn’t change the feeling. See if you can relax your body and allow the emotion. Try the mantra, ‘I soften into this moment,’ and take calm breaths.

3 Name that emotion. Can you label the ones that you are feeling? There can be many at once. Dig deeper: beneath anger is often pain and fear. Beneath anxiety is often a reservoir of love and care. Use your judgment too: is the feeling appropriate to the situation? Is it the appropriate intensity?

Enjoy a wordless release by walking in nature or with yoga. Try a child’s or pigeon pose to soothe you. Have a good cry if it comes. Try a warrior pose to feel courageous or a tree pose to anchor you in the moment. Breathing exercises release things you cannot say. Try lion breath (breathe in through your nose, exhale through your mouth with your tongue sticking out) or bee breath (like humming). Sing a defiant song or feel the release when you listen to a sad song or watch a moving film.

5 Choose what you do next. What’s the message for you in this emotion? Is there something you need to do to feel safe and connected with your loved ones? Is this emotion signalling that you need time to replenish yourself, a chance to let go? Take tender, nourishing action to give yourself the best possible chance of weathering these challenging times. And you don’t have to do this on your own. Reach out and let other people in. Let them know that you are a safe place for them too. This is how we take care of each other.

Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s your story?

Telling stories is a tradition. But what happens when those stories keep us stuck? Elle Blakeman looks at how they can help us or harm us 37

Our world is shaped by the stories we tell ourselves – what we believe about our lives and what we hold to be true

y mother is lucky. She is always saying so. ‘I don’t even enter raffles anymore, because I always win,’ she says, explaining cupboards bursting with school-fete jam and first-prize hampers. ‘It gets embarrassing.’ Think about your life. Are you lucky or unlucky? Do you breeze through green lights? Turn up the moment before the elevator door closes or the last slice of cake disappears? Or is it just the opposite? We construct stories to make sense of our lives, adding meaning to life experiences, with heroes and villains and plot twists as any good as any bestseller. It’s human nature and, like most psychological functions, it’s ultimately designed to keep us safe. We don’t need to get mugged to know that we should probably avoid a dark alley. Recounting those stories to ourselves and others, we tend to think that we are speaking facts – an unarguable report of events and interactions and words spoken. But our memories are heavily filtered through our values and beliefs. ‘We are all unreliable narrators of our own lives,’ says therapist and author Lori Gottlieb in her brilliant TED Talk, How changing your story can change your life. Even when we get the facts right, we are still seeing things from our point of view. A colleague might ignore you in the office hallway. You take this as proof they don’t like you.

That guess might be correct, but there are other explanations. Maybe they’re intimidated by you. Maybe they’re late for a meeting and didn’t notice you. Maybe they’re desperate for the bathroom. ‘Stories help us smooth out some of the decisions we have made and create something that is meaningful and sensible from the chaos of our lives,’ says Dan McAdams, PhD, a Northwestern University psychology professor who has spent the past decade studying them. However, these stories do more than narrate our lives. They direct it, using confirmation bias to keep us trapped in our patterns. ‘Life stories do not simply reflect personality: they are personality,’ argues McAdams, with partner Erika Manczak. ‘Or, more accurately, they are important parts of personality, along with other parts, like dispositional traits, goals and values.’ So thinking of yourself as lucky or unlucky – or ‘too old’ or ‘too young’ or ‘brave’ or ‘fearful’ – can create your reality. An optimistic person might call a little louder to that colleague in the hall, or email to ask if everything’s okay. A pessimist sticks to their assumption and even creates a negative space – perhaps ignoring them in return – that they convinced themselves was there. ‘Our lives hang on narrative thread,’ agrees Sandra Marinella, author of The Story You Need

to Tell: Writing to Heal from Trauma, Illness or Loss. ‘Our world is shaped by the stories we tell

ourselves – what we believe about our lives and what we hold to be true about our world.’ Our narrative can shape the memory of an event. Ask any mother about the birth of her child and she will tell you of the joy and the love that she felt, not the pain or suffering. (Give her a few days before you try this one.) And the more this story is recounted, the further the painful memories slip until they are all but forgotten – footnotes not facts. ‘Stories shape memory so dramatically,’ agrees John Holmes, PhD, a psychology professor at Waterloo University. ‘Once you tell a story, it’s hard to get out of that story’s framework, and they tend to get more dramatic over time.’ Stories can strand us in internal battles. Thoughts such as ‘I always end up with terrible relationships,’ ‘I’ll never get that promotion I want’ and ‘I’m too old to start over’ reverberate in our mind until they become fact. We avoid going for a promotion, we sabotage our healthy eating or we stay in an unhappy situation because ‘it’s too late’ – forgetting that we are essentially imprisoning ourselves. ‘Negative self-talk is a clear sign that you need to rewrite your story,’ warns author and life coach Tony Robbins. ‘Our story affects what we do, where we go and how we approach life. A powerful story leads to a life of opportunity – change your story, change your life. The first step in changing your story is to stop telling yourself disempowering ones.’

How do we break free of our narrative and live our real life?

1 PRACTISE GRATITUDE Thanks to social media, it’s easy to be consumed by the things we don’t have. There is always someone supposedly living a better, more fabulous life than you. But instead of falling into the ‘my life is so hard’ spiral, focus on all that you have. Need inspiration? The Red Cross notes that, if you can read this, you are luckier than more than one billion people who cannot read at all. If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are luckier than the million who will not survive the week. If you have money in the bank and in your wallet, and can spare change for a dish, you are among the top eight per cent of the world’s wealthy.

3 TELL THE TRUTH Stick to unarguable facts and notice when you add a story. Someone ignored you: fact. The reason why? Just a story. If you struggle to separate those, talk to a good friend or therapist and see if you can stop yourself assigning meaning where there is none. The more you do that, the easier it becomes. You accept events as they happen, rather than allowing them to become bigger and take up too much headspace.

2 WHAT’S YOUR STORY? Take time to think about and write down all the stories you have about yourself and your life, good and bad. Do this without judgment or fear. Are there any that no longer serve you? Once you’ve identified the stories that you want to let go, are there habits you hold onto that keep them alive? Have you ‘always had a sweet tooth’, forcing you to eat unhealthily? Are you ‘the fun one’ of your friends, forcing you to drink more than you should? Are you addicted to clickbait stories that infuriate or worry you, forcing you to stay in unhappy circumstances for fear of the alternative? Let those stories go and see your habits change.

4 TAKE RISKS ‘If you want to learn how to change your life,’ notes Tony Robbins, ‘you cannot stay in your comfort zone.’ To grow and learn, we must move forwards, take risks and push ourselves. Transformation happens when you realise you can achieve more than you thought you could, accepting the good and the bad with grace. Only when this happens will you live your life, not your story.

‘A good half of the art of living is resilience’ – Alain de Botton

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The lockdown slowdown If lockdown taught us anything, it was that we can go slower and need less. And that, in turn, having less leaves us the space to see so much more. Emma Johnson looks at our journey from more to lessâ&#x20AC;Ś

Image courtesy of Still: The Slow Home by Natalie Walton

What makes music beautiful is the

distance between one note and another. From time to time we should take a breath and notice the silence between sounds

f humanity ever needed a wake-up call, coronavirus has been it. In March this year, as the entire world retreated behind closed doors, our fast-paced, angry, consumerist society was suddenly and unceremoniously unplugged. We had glorified being busy, hurrying was our default setting, and multitasking was hailed as our most important contribution to productivity. We bought more and more things, to fill the spaces created by our loneliness. We stared robotically at our phones, searching for answers that could not possibly be found inside a device. We threw things away, bought more things, and stuffed them into our already full homes, before rushing out the door to our next engagement. We never stopped. We had morning meetings at 6am, working lunches and dinner-on-the go, and went to bed at 1am. We worked out, we worked hard, and we wore ourselves out. And still, we kept on going. But then lockdown arrived, like a biblical flood: a great leveller wiping the slate clean and reminding us of how small we sit in the vast mystery of the universe. Confined to our houses, we were forced to look inward, to see our family anew, to get to know each other better, to sit in our gardens and to cook in our kitchens. We read books, we learned new things, we bought less and made more, we planted seeds and we put down roots. We stopped, we slowed, we took deep breaths. And we discovered that, in having less, we actually have more. Because, in the space that less left, we found that our lives were richer than we could ever have imagined. But what remains? As lockdown eases across the world, many of us are looking at how to re-enter a world that doesn’t feel the same anymore. What happened

to us during lockdown? How do we bring these new, slower selves forward? ‘Lockdown has given people who’d never think of slowing down the chance to do so,’ says Julia Watkins, author of the new Simply Living Well. ‘It’s been good to reconnect to simpler daily rhythms and routines. And I like to think it’s helped people to see just how vital local communities are to their wellbeing.’ Lockdown opened our minds and hearts to celebrating what we have, rather than highlighting what we lack. As we drew those in our households closer to us, we started to see that what matters is people, not things. In the same way, we stopped needing complicated exercise classes or expensive daily diversions. ‘Perhaps we’ve all been reminded that there is lots of fun and enjoyment to be had in the simple things like playing games, starting a hobby, going for a bike ride, or

pottering about,’ says Melanie Barnes, author of Seeking Slow, a brilliant guide to introducing slow living principles into your own life. Retreating from the world, meant that – completely by accident – we were all suddenly forced to adopt the key tenets of slow living: space for rest and play, self-sufficiency, having, buying and doing less, clearing the clutter, focusing on the small moments and living with more consideration for both fellow man and the planet. ‘This is the way life has always been lived,’ says Natalie Walton, author of the beautiful Still: The Slow Home. ‘It’s only been in the past 50 to 100 years that life got out of control. It feels as if we’re returning to our more natural order. And the more awareness we have about the impact of our choices, the more people won’t want to go back.’

SLOW LIVING FOR OURSELVES At its core, slow living is about saying yes to things that matter, and no to things that don’t. It allows us to work out what is important – something that lockdown put into sharp relief – and then to prioritise and make space for that. ‘Lockdown has been a reminder of the things in life we tend to take for granted,’ says Brooke McAlary, author of Slow: Live Life Simply and host of The Slow Home Podcast. ‘Hugs, exploring national parks and going on adventures, visiting family, spending lazy afternoons with friends.’ Almost all of the slow living books and guides talk about creating spaces for rest and play, allowing for empty time that isn’t filled with activity. By being more present for each part of our day, we have had to start choosing quality over quantity, making the most of opportunities to savour simple pleasures and live wholeheartedly. ‘It’s not necessarily about moving through our days slowly – because that’s not always going to be possible given the fast-paced world we typically live in,’ says McLary. ‘But rather about paying attention, single-tasking and learning to be present in the moment.’ At its heart, slow living is mindfulness made real – a tangible sense of what it means to be our happiest and healthiest selves. Lockdown created for us all a slower rhythm where we had time to reconnect to ourselves and our loved ones. This is something that many of us are determined to hold onto as life moves forward. ‘Through slowing our homes and simplifying our belongings, we can begin to create space for more rest and play,’ says Melanie Barnes in Seeking Slow. ‘It’s not about trying to have it all, but about learning to be content with what we have, and that less can indeed be more.’

SLOW LIVING FOR OUR HOMES Lockdown also showed us how much more attention we needed to pay to the spaces we live in. Our homes have never been so important, their four walls and outside spaces becoming our classrooms, our offices, our meditation spaces and our workout studios. ‘They are where we wake and set the tone for the day, and right now they are where we experience all of the elements of our daily lives,’ says Natalie Walton. A slow home, crucially, is a place that supports and encourages your way of slow living. It’s about creating pockets of space to allow life to happen in a way that leaves more time for rest and play. Design and décor should create a sense of calm, while each space within the house should offer a chance for creativity, solitude or rest. Being more thoughtful about belongings will help reduce clutter and create a sense of a carefully curated home with only the things you need or love. This in turn helps you consume things more thoughtfully and to use items for as long as you can. The home must also respond to and work within the rituals and habits of your family – making family meals possible, offering chances for escape and quiet time, and encouraging reading together or doing crafts together. And the home must also echo the key slow tenets of sustainability: locality and provenance. ‘To me, creating an awareness of how we live is integral to the idea of embracing slow living,’ says Walton. ‘We can only change what we can see. We can live more responsibly within our homes when we consider that our decisions have an impact not just on the world today but on the form it will take tomorrow. Let us consider the contribution that we want to make. What do we want our legacy to be?’

Image courtesy of Still: The Slow Home by Natalie Walton

When we slow down, we use fewer resources and produce less waste, both of which have a lighter impact on the earth SLOW LIVING FOR OUR PLANET The break from which the earth benefited during lockdown has been eyeopening. The quieter roads, the silent skies, the reduction in consumption – and, by association, rubbish – have been quite staggering. As we spend more time walking in the countryside and working in our gardens, we become more in tune with nature, and more acutely aware of our impact on the environment. ‘When we slow down, we often use fewer resources and produce less waste, both of which have a lighter impact on the earth,’ explains Anna Carlile, author of Grounded: A Companion for Slow Living. ‘In the early days of the slow food movement, a clever someone reverse-engineered “slow” as an acronym: Sustainable, Local, Organic and Whole. Cherry-picking these terms and applying them to how you go about life will help you to slow down.’ As Carlile suggests, part of slow living is reducing your impact on the earth by being more conscious in your choices about what you buy and how you use it. Recycling and reducing waste are important for the planet, but they also help you to build a life with less reliance on services, and more ability to provide and manage for yourselves. ‘Slow living has taught me practical skills that are helping my family be more resilient in the face of a rapidly changing world,’ explains Brooke McAlary. ‘Things like growing some of our own food, supporting local producers, making our own cleaning products, mending, upcycling, reducing waste, composting, and growing and developing strong local communities. It all reduces our reliance on the industrialised system, which helps us be more resilient.’

SLOW LIVING FOR RESILIENCE The resilience that McAlary talks about is important. Because while slow living might seem to offer a gentler, more peaceful way of going about your day, it also creates a model that is more robust, more considered and less built on shaky ground. A slow life has space for the things you need, metaphorically and physically. It can grow, it can absorb the shocks of change, and it can keep you steady in uncertain times. Living slowly doesn’t mean hardship doesn’t come your way, but it means you have the tools to cope when challenges arise. In fact, its innate nature infuses us with resilience. It helps us to cope better with changes or setbacks, because we have created space in our lives to adjust and be flexible. For those people already living slow lives, the adjustment to lockdown was less dramatic, because they were armed with the tools to act quickly to protect and support themselves. ‘Slow living is empowering,’ says Julia Watkins. ‘Not just because of how little you need to be happy, but because of how much happiness comes from being able to meet your needs on your own. I think we’re all capable of more than we think; we’re just too busy to notice.’ The more you can do for yourself, the greater your resilience, and of course is never more important than in a crisis. As Watkins explains, being able to feed yourself and your family with what you grow in your garden or from stews and soups scavenged from scraps that might otherwise get thrown away is undeniably useful, as is being able to make your own dish soap, laundry detergent, and personal care products. But the resilience gained from slow living is more than that. It’s something that allows you to be honest with yourself and to know yourself and your family deeply. ‘Slow living is there to reveal the truth of things – about yourself, your family, your community, your past, your future,’ she says. ‘The more I try to simplify my life, the more intentional I am in my choices – and the more hopeful I become about what tomorrow will bring. Resilience takes mental strength, and I draw strength from optimism washing over me whenever I delve into old ways of doing things, living just a little bit like my ancestors.’ Once we start to live slowly and wholeheartedly, we increase our awareness of our general wellbeing, meaning we make healthier lifestyle choices, taking better care of our physical and mental health, and creating a life that not only means something now, but leaves a legacy of integrity for the future. ‘Slow living is an attractive proposition and, as the world continues to change, I think more and more people will be asking themselves what they want their life to stand for,’ adds Brooke McAlary. Slow living offers a way to work out the answer to that question, and gives us the tools we need to make it a reality.

‘

Above: Melanie Barnes. Photograph by Sarah-Lou Francis

43 49

The Kintsugi guide to slow living

REJECT THE CULT OF BUSY

BE INTENTIONAL WITH YOUR TIME ‘The art of slow living is not in how much “free time” you have, but how intentional you are with that time,’ says Melanie Barnes, author of Seeking Slow. Creating boundaries around your time and allowing for time to be filled with activity but also entirely empty of plans or purpose is okay. Being intentional with your time simply means really valuing your time and consciously acknowledging how precious it is. Stop monetising your time, or measuring it with lists of achievement or activities. Instead learn to value it with a different set of criteria: happiness, fulfilment, peace, quietness, energy, love.

‘We know the world only through the window of our mind,’ says Haemin Sunim, author of Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down. ‘When our mind is noisy, the world is as well.’ The world will never slow down – so, instead, we must. Many of us are living beyond our means, chasing an endless round of to-do lists, saying yes to every invitation, taking on more responsibility. Add technology to the mix and it’s a perfect storm for burnout and depression. Instead, set boundaries with your time, including your time spent on social media and technology. Experiment with what works and ask ‘why’ when considering how to fill your time. Learn to differentiate between important and urgent, learn the difference between a task and a project, and do one thing at a time. ‘It’s remarkable to me how much slow living boils down to leaving spaces in our schedule where we’re all home and not just getting back from one activity or rushing off to another,’ says Watkins.

LET GO OF EXCESS ‘We have forgotten what it is to have less,’ says Brooke McAlary. Less stuff, less stress, less expectation, less to do, less to be, less to prove.’ If you’ve ever seen a picture of a classic ‘slow home’, you’ll notice they are often minimal, lacking in clutter, clean, pared-back. But they are not sparse or barren. Instead they are beautiful because they have been intentionally filled with things of importance and necessity. Excess in our homes and lives means more clothes than we can wear, more plates than we can use, storage solutions bought to hide our surplus of stuff, flatpack furniture built to last only a few years, duplicates of items bought on a whim. Take time to simplify your belongings by decluttering. And do it carefully: it is an ongoing process but one that you can tackle a little bit every day.

By listening to our bodies we can live fuller lives LISTEN TO YOUR BODY ‘By slowing down and creating space to understand the body-mind connection, and by listening to our bodies, we can live fuller lives,’ says Melanie Barnes. The body is a great instrument for measuring slow living. It will always ask you to slow down when you need to – and, if you learn to really listen to it, will tell you what you need when you need it, whether that’s to sleep, dance, laugh, eat, cry. It is easy to miss these messages when we are living without intention or pushing our feelings down because we are busy. But the benefits of getting better connected with your body include better health, an increased sense of intuition and stronger capacity for emotional intelligence.

BE CONSCIOUS IN YOUR CONSUMERISM ‘We’re mindful about what we purchase, looking first to reuse or repurpose what we have,’ says Julia Watkins. ‘When we do buy, we see what we can get secondhand or what’s been designed and made to last a long time by businesses that share our intentions and our values.’ Reducing our impact on the planet is a really important part of slow living and the way we shop and spend is a core part of that. Start by focusing on buying less and buying better, secondhand or vintage where you can, and identifying brands that support this approach. Think about packaging too, and try to reduce it where you can – create a packaging-free shopping kit with paper bags, jars, boxes and baskets to store foodstuffs and new items. Shop locally wherever you can, either on the high street or with local delivery companies. And prepare your shopping lists in a timely fashion so you have the capacity to source items from different places, rather than one big supermarket.

LIVE WITH THE SEASONS ‘Live in each season as it passes,’ wrote Henry David Thoreau. ‘Breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influence of the earth.’ Living with the seasons naturally slows us down and encourages us to spend time in nature. Seasons have an ebb and a flow. They don’t run fullpelt at life without stopping, and they feature time and space for things to rest, recuperate, grow, flourish and be nurtured. The more time you spend in nature, the more you will develop an affinity and love for the earth, which will help you to better look after it. Anna Carlile’s book Grounded is organised into seasons, featuring activities for each season that include things like growing herbs, making kefir, planting vegetables, foraging and indoor plants. It’s a great place to start if you want to connect more with nature and also start to eat, work and live more seasonally.

MAKE & MEND

STRIKE A BALANCE

‘Often I try to make something just for the chance to learn a new skill and cultivate a deeper understanding of what matters most to me,’ says Julia Watkins. ‘It sounds trite, but I thrive on the process more than the end result.’ Home-cooking, sewing, fixing, reusing and upcycling things are important parts of slow living. The less we consume, and the more we make and produce ourselves, the more we lessen our impact on the planet. The less we throw away, the less that ends up in landfill. What we can make ourselves never fails to be an opportunity to forge new connection to our food or to our community; while the things we reuse or repurpose give us a connection to our ancestors and our creative potential. And the more we make and mend, the more we learn and grow.

‘Slow living is a curious mix of being prepared and being prepared to let go,’ says Brooke McAlary. ‘Caring more and caring less. Saying yes and saying no. Being present and walking away. Doing the important things and forgetting those that aren’t. Grounded and free. Heavy and light. Organised and flexible. Complex and simple.’ There’s sometimes a sense that slow living is about perfection and organic home baking and having a beautiful, effortless home. But it’s actually much more about finding balance between a busy life and an empty one. Sometimes life can be demanding and busy. Sometimes there are challenges, disappointments and setbacks. But the point is to be thoughtful about the choices you make, for yourself and for your family.

WORK OUT WHAT’S IMPORTANT ‘There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to slow living,’ says Anna Carlisle. Slow living is just living mindfully, in whatever way that is meaningful to you. Once you’ve rethought your values, you’re ready to find and connect to your purpose.’ Focusing on what’s important is at the centre of slow living, because if you know what moves and motivates you, you can build a life of meaning and intention around that. If you value time in nature, find a way to get more nature into your life. Plant something. Start hiking. If you decide you’re all about friends and family, then organise dinners, weekly catch-ups or book clubs. If you think that environmentalism is important, recycle more, and mend your broken things. If creativity is important, find time to paint, and set aside a reading corner. ‘And, of course, you don’t have to have just one purpose,’ notes Carlile. ‘By doing less and doing it better, you can still “have it all”.’

Slow home essentials

Sourdough kit Master the most rewarding and absorbing home baking skill (£34, hobbshousebakery.co.uk)

Seagrass basket Natural fibres, plenty of space, perfect for foraging (£14, daylesford.com)

Artisans apron in Irish linen Essential for gardening, cooking, painting, crafting (£64, fieldandfound.com)

Okatsune garden scissors The perfect gardener’s assistant: remarkably strong, yet delicate and accurate. (£59, woodandmeadow.com)

Book Club subscription This two-books-every-two-months concept focuses on great writers from all over the world, from potential Nobel laureates to much-loved classics (from £29, boxwalla.com)

777 candle Blending scents of fresh orange blossom and rich cocoa bean, this candle encourages a connection to the light within, so you can envisage and manifest a bright future (£80, kintsugispace.com)

Handwoven Helle throw For cosy corners, meditation spaces or a reading chair (£229, nordichouse.co.uk)

Beeswax wraps Zero-waste, ecofriendly alternatives to clingfilm and tin foil (£19, beeswrap.com)

Ethical Cleaning Formulated without parabens, sulfates or synthetic fragrances, and nontoxic, biodegradable and petfriendly (£29.99, threemain.com)

Storage and pickling jars By the original glass jar company, these are perfect for pickling, pâtés and preserves (£32 for

six, amazon.com)

‘If your heart is broken, make art with the pieces’ – Shane Koyczan

An interview withâ&#x20AC;Ś Carine Gilson

Patience and passion are the hallmarks of Belgium-born, Brussels-based couturier Carine Gilson. She speaks with Elle Blakeman about luxury, how to learn from mistakes and her new exclusive line with Kintsugi 57

Her vision was of ‘lingerie couture’: traditional dressmaking techniques and premium materials for pieces all but concealed from the world

or some people, fashion is about bold logos and expensive finishing touches, to be admired by others. Carine Gilson is not one of those people. ‘Luxury is not marketing,’ she tells me when we meet over Zoom, the pandemic having grounded us to our respective houses and countries. (She is ‘itching’ to get back to her workshop.) ‘When you have a lot of money, you can do a huge marketing campaign and have everyone say, “That’s a luxury brand.” But true luxury is different.’ This year the Belgium-born designer celebrates an impressive three decades of her eponymous lingerie brand. ‘My birthday gift was Covid!’ she notes wryly. And as a woman who singlehandedly resurrected haute couture lingerie and loungewear using exclusive materials and creating each piece by hand at her Brussels workshop, she is ideally suited to define luxury. A true couturier, Gilson’s sartorial education started when she was a child: surrounded by the beautiful fabrics and dressmaking accoutrements with which her mother created made-to-measure pieces for the women of Brussels. Before ‘ready-towear’ was a thing, Gilson absorbed the art of reading patterns, of making things by hand and of listening to materials, seeing how they respond to touch and movement before deciding how to alchemise them. Her mother tailored dresses and coats to withstand the elements, but Carine was entranced by the fluid silks and sensual laces of the slip dresses beneath: le flou, as it is known in tailoring. She adored the Old Hollywood glamour of screen sirens dressing for bed in sweeping floor-length silk or removing their outfits to reveal secret, feminine layer

between them and the outside world: Grace Kelly in Rear Window or Marlene Dietrich in Desire. And if the young Carine dreamed of creating such pieces herself, she did not have to wait long before it came true. At twenty-two, with a degree in fashion from Antwerp’s prestigious Royal Academy of Fine Arts, Gilson found a small, struggling Brussels atelier that manufactured fine slips. Despite her youth, she convinced a bank to loan her the money to take it over. Her vision was of ‘lingerie couture’: traditional dressmaking techniques and premium materials for pieces all but concealed from the world. She tracked down the mills producing the world’s finest lace and

silk – Caudry and Lyon respectively – on traditional machines, in processes unchanged for centuries. ‘You cannot imagine!’ she enthuses, with scholarly delight at the technical intricacy of each piece of fabric. ‘The Jacquard machines they use are from the eighteenth century. Imagine that today, in the twentyfirst century, we are using these! And they still produce such a beautiful lace that is more precious than ever.’ ‘People who work with lace look at the world in a different way,’ notes Karen Van Godtsenhoven, curator at The Met, in Gilson’s book Garden of Lace. ‘A way that puts beauty, a slow approach and materials first.’ It is rare for a long-standing designer to stick so steadfastly to just two fabrics, however opulent they may be. ‘Silk and lace are vocabulary for her,’ says Catherine Esgain and Catherine Gauthier, curators at the Fashion and Lace Museum in Brussels, where Gilson was invited to exhibit. ‘These are the materials she cherishes and returns to time and again, understanding them thoroughly.’ A love of nature inspired Gilson’s signature lace pattern: a floral motif that, as Van Godtsenhoven notes, ‘hovers on the brink between Art Nouveau and Art Deco.’ Gilson spends countless hours deciding where to attach the lace to the silk. It’s delicate decorative work that reflects a lifetime of skill. Today her collections can be found in chic stores – Harrods, Barneys at Saks, Neiman Marcus – or in her palatial, dove-grey stores in London’s Knightsbridge and Paris’ 6th arrondissement. Women who have fallen under her spell include A-list celebrities and royalty. ‘Her work invites us to dream,’ notes van Godtsenhoven. And while it evokes ‘mysterious lands and ethereal skies, it is also a labour of patience and constancy, and forever beginning anew.’

Each of our pieces takes a

minimum fifteen hours: one

by one, piece by piece. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the total opposite of fast fashion

For me, it’s about respecting the value of craftsmanship

‘It’s about respecting the value of the craftsmanship,’ says Gilson. ‘That is luxury. And there is luxury in the rarity: to know that you don’t have two thousand pieces the same, because each is made by hand.’ It’s an interesting time to be speaking with Gilson. With the world on pause, we are all stopping to consider our roles and the effects of our choices. This is particularly pertinent in the usually frenetic world of fashion. ‘In some ways it needed to happen,’ she notes thoughtfully. ‘We needed a rebuild. Before the crisis, everything in fashion was so fast, you needed to show five collections a year. And to do that, you need to be a machine. I was not in my element. ‘I used to just do two collections a year. But then everyone needed more and more – so, like everyone else, we moved to five. For creativity, it’s too much. We need to take time to make beautiful things by hand. ‘I think the idea of consuming will change now. People will consume more quality and will think more about what they really need, and what it says about who they are. ‘People need to take time to understand the reality of fashion; that there is a real process behind it. It’s not just, “Click and it happens.” Each of our pieces takes a minimum fifteen hours: one by one, piece by piece. It’s the total opposite of fast fashion.’ Gilson has exacting standards in her workshop. ‘I’m very strict,’ she notes. ‘Every piece is made under my eye.’ Where most designers would turn to cotton to create a toile (sample), she insists on experimenting in silk, to see the drape and flow of her designs. ‘I learn from my mistakes,’ says the self-taught designer. ‘It’s important for me to make things by

The new Kinstugi x Carine Gilson collection (kintsugispace.com)

myself, to understand my mistakes. If I understand my mistake, I learn from that and I find the right process. And that’s the same with Kintsugi: you need to make mistakes to rebuild. Accidents can be a good thing.’ Gilson is well versed in the philosophy of Kintsugi, having worked with founder Al Reem Al Tenaiji on an exclusive line of kimonos and nightwear. The collection is as exquisite as one could hope. Sweeping silk kimonos and two-piece sets fall gracefully to the floor. Opulent slices of screen-printed gold and pieces of golden Chantilly lace run prettily across the backs, echoing the gold bonds of Kintsugi on porcelain. ‘I called Al Reem and said, “You cannot even begin to imagine what’s going on in my head sewing this lace inlet!”’ she laughs. Bringing pieces of silk together and allowing bare skin to be seen through lace was a painstaking process. As with Gilson’s other collections, each piece is handmade. ‘The gold on the sleeves is created using a very old technique: it’s done individually and by hand. We sketch the Kintsugi patterns one by one, then add the lace. It’s very intricate. Each piece is unique.’ This is the kind of project that Gilson lives for. ‘If I do something, I do it with all of my heart. For me, this is the only way to work.’ Spoken like a true Kintsugi woman. The Kinstugi x Carine Gilson collection will be available to order this season on kintsugispace.com ‘Garden of Lace: Carine Gilson’ is out now

The end of fast fashion The global crisis has thrown a spotlight on fashion’s guilty throwaway culture, which together with a growing concern about climate change threatens to finally topple the era of fast fashion. It’s time to move towards a world of sustainable wardrobes and conscious choices says Claire Brayford

f there were a word to sum up the evolution of women’s fashion in the twentieth century, it would be liberation. First from corsets, then skirts, then high heels, shaking the final mantle of ‘prettiness’ via Miuccia Prada. She made ugly ‘exciting’ and changed the way women dressed forever. Prior to Prada, designers would be known for a particular ‘look’ and slowly built customers’ wardrobes over seasons: the coat for autumn that complemented the dress from spring, and so on. But in the nineties, the Italian visionary brought a volte-face by introducing a radical new look with each collection. Fast forward to 2020. Our insatiable desire for newness means 100 billion garments are created each year, one in six people globally works in fashion, and the textile industry alone creates 1.2 billion tonnes of CO2 annually. Autumn collections hit stores in the height of summer, the average piece is worn just seven

times before it is thrown away, and it seemed nothing could break the cycle – until the world stopped. The comments of American Vogue’s Anna Wintour in April proved, unsurprisingly, spot on: ‘This is an opportunity for all of us to look at our industry and look at our lives, and to rethink our values and really think about the waste and the amount of consumption and excess that we all, and I include myself, have indulged in. We really need to rethink what this industry stands for.’ The pandemic, coupled with a growing concern about climate change, is forcing a reevaluation. Our throwaway culture makes for uncomfortable though. COVID-19 has reset the clock, bringing the opportunity for a new word to sum up fashion in this part of the twenty-first century: slow. What we want now are designs brimming with craftsmanship; considered, comfortable and conscious clothing that you want to live in, linger over and love for a lifetime.

Creatives make beautiful things that we want to keep forever – Caroline Issa

‘I do expect the fashion cycle to readjust to the calendar more – autumn clothes will be in stores in autumn, and not at the height of summer,’ says aclaimed journalist Dana Thomas, author of Fashionopolis: The Price of Fast Fashion and the Future of Clothes. ‘There will be fewer collections, with fewer items, and more drops. Everyone is going to have tighter budgets – designers, retailers, and shoppers. The amount offered and when it is offered will reflect that.’ And when we do shop – if only to dress up our Zoom calls – we will look at sustainability with conviction, not as an afterthought. The most sought-after denim? Aloe jeans made from recycled cotton and washed using a single cup of water by New York-based brand AYR (which stands for All Year Round). New shoes? A pair of handmade loafers by British brand Dear Frances, crafted in a multigenerational artisanal factory in Italy where the design remains largely unaltered. According to Caroline Issa, chief executive and fashion director of Tank magazine, slow fashion – although defined in many different ways – means brands like Gabriela Hearst, Emilia Wickstead, Roksanda, Bethany Williams, Phoebe English and Alvaro. Meanwhile, matchesfashion.com – in partnership with Eco-Age – has launched its ‘responsible edit’, which offers a selection of curated, sustainable pieces. Among the Veja trainers, A.P.C bags and Stella McCartney jackets, exciting ethically-minded names like Another Tomorrow offer refined, easy tailoring and timeless separates – foundations of your wardrobe. ‘We are always looking for great design first and foremost, and then we look to the processes behind those pieces,’ Matches’ fashion and buying director Natalie Kingham explains. Unisex style is also stepping forward, with contemporary British brands such as Toogood (created

by sisters Faye and Erica Toogood) offering sustainable, seasonless design for men and women. There is greater focus on wellbeing too, hence Alex Eagle Studio’s painstakingly selected handmade pyjamas, cashmere socks and clean skincare. Pre-COVID, circular retail – renting and resale on e-tailers such as Vestiaire Collective and My Wardrobe HQ – was a popular, sustainable option. But with the world now two metres apart, cleanliness and provenance need to be at the forefront. ‘Customers will be looking for the safest, most ecologically and financially sound option, and fashion rental will be just one part of this,’ says Sacha Newall, cofounder of My Wardrobe HQ. ‘We have facilities that reach medicalgrade cleaning for all of our items.’ Yet perhaps the best ‘new’ clothes will be the ones we already own. As the Duchess of Cambridge has proved, it’s chic to repeat. ‘That’s why I still have so much optimism for the luxury fashion industry – creatives make beautiful things that we want to keep forever, and that won’t change,’ says Issa, who has enjoyed returning to ‘archive’ investment pieces that hold a special memory. ‘A 2012 Christian Dior couture necklace from Raf Simons’ first couture show, or my Frida Giannini Gucci shoes from 2008. It’s been so lovely to reuse them, even if only around the house, but also to remember why we love fashion – the things that made us excited, that last, that stay.’ For Issa, the secret to investment shopping is a combination of instinct and price; the latter an indicator of quality, fabric, workmanship and attention to detail.

The basics

The key pieces that will last you for years, by London Penelope Meredith

‘In the long run, it pays to value the piece you bring home, and that should be reflected in the price you are paying.’ But the fact is that some clothes have never cost less. Helped by cheap labour and the low cost of oil, which is pumped into the fashion sector in the form of polyester (the most consumed textile fibre and one that needs to become the fashion equivalent of the plastic straw), there has also been an ideological shift towards throwaway fashion, especially with the rise of social media influencers. ‘We have all been conditioned to think it’s normal to pay $10 for a shirt,’ says Dana Thomas. ‘It’s not. We have wage suppression, and complain we can’t afford things, because we contribute to the entire cycle of wage suppression by buying such cheap junk. Want to talk about wage suppression and not affording things? Take a look at the people – the women – who make those $10 shirts. They are paid $100 a month as a living wage. Pay what it’s worth, and everyone along the supply chain will be paid what they are worth, too. It’s an ecosystem.’ With less desire for the new, we are also becoming fans of ‘repair’ and even ‘visible repair’, as can be seen on an Instagram hashtag. Well, if it’s good enough for Alexander McQueen’s Sarah Burton, who repurposed previous season’s deadstock fabric into her new spring/summer 2020 collection, it should be good enough for us. Stuck indoors, we have found the time and joy to darn and mend, previously something we would have outsourced. Toast, long purveyors of slow fashion, have been offering virtual mending workshops, while Londonbased textile artist Celia Pym has stepped into the spotlight by turning mending and darning into a joyful craft to celebrate – adding a new layer to the story of the life of a piece of clothing. So what will be the new normal as we switch out of the slow lane? Kate Fletcher, a professor at the Centre for Sustainable Fashion and the author of Craft of Use: Post-Growth Fashion, says: ‘This is the moment we realise that, without shopping, we already have all the clothes we need. We have clean air, quiet skies, birdsong – now we just need to live with the things we already have.’ @clairebrayford

A good t-shirt is top of my list of essentials and one of the most versatile items in our wardrobes. It can be ultra-plain or with a motif or picture; I love a concert t-shirt from one of my favourite bands. You can wear it with jeans and sneakers, with a pencil skirt and heels, or with smart tailored pants and a blazer. My current favourites are by Frame, The Row and American Vintage. These brands have made a basic item feel like a luxury (and if our capsule wardrobe comprises just a few items, it’s worth buying the best you can afford).

Jeans. Skinny, flared, boyfriend, girlfriend – the styles are endless and there’s a cut for everyone. I love jeans with elegant flats: it’s very French and effortless, with just a t-shirt (above) or a crisp white shirt, a silk blouse or a soft cashmere knit. They can be dressed down for day and dressed up for night, by substituting flats for heels and adding a piece of statement jewellery. I love the current seventies vibe in denim collections – especially Celine – which says, ‘I’ve loved and had these forever.’ I have rarely met someone who doesn’t wear jeans, but if you’re one of them, tailored black pants are a perfect substitute.

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e knit. A soft, sexy knit is not only a practical, ’s a real pleasure to wear. For day, with jeans and t’s a chic dress-down option. For evening, ditch the ence the yarn against your skin, swapping the jeans cil skirt and heels or tailored pants. It’s a look that’s Something that exposes the clavicle or a shoulder is especially beautiful.

ss. The perfect dress can take you to a job interview, with your child’s head-teacher or a wedding. When th a capsule wardrobe, you need longevity, so opt that will give you more options when it comes to ot print, which can be too recognisable and date if your weight fluctuates, don’t go for a style that’s Think about the part of your body you like best and ccentuates it, whether that’s your back, shoulders, ou’re happier being more covered, try statement chunky, jewelled cuff to pull the look together.

Heels. Nothing says you’re ready quite like a pair of heels. Keep them under your desk at work for last-minute emergencies – no matter what you’re wearing, they will work. I always love a shoe that’s surprising, so be as bold as you dare with colour, jewels or textures. They will make simple jeans and a t-shirt sing and make you feel like you have happy feet. On that note, do not compromise on comfort. It’s better to invest in one, well-made pair that you can walk in than five pairs you can’t.

A good blazer. Since the 1980s, a jacket or blazer has signified power. I love the strength that this item gives the wearer. In a good blazer, you’ll feel ready. It can be added to anything, from a long, floral dress to skinny leather pants, and worn fitted or oversized, with sleeves rolled up or down. You can wear a silk camisole underneath or a turtleneck knit – the options are endless. You don’t even need to put it on – just wear it draped elegantly over your shoulders and prepare to make an entrance.

B e au t y c a binet If this summer turns out to be more hideaway than getaway, let beauty launches evoke far-away pleasaures. From the clear blue waters of the Mediterranean to the sun-soaked beaches of Rio de Janeiro, your beauty cabinet is your guide. By Claire Brayford 65

The bathing essential

Arancia di Capri Shower Mousse, £37, Acqua di Parma x La Double J If La Double J’s sumptuous packaging doesn’t make your spirits soar, the Acqua di Parma fragrance certainly will. Their new collaboration – which includes this shower mousse, a body lotion, a body scrub and a scented candle – will take you on a sensory journey to the Amalfi Coast.

The hair accessory

Silk hair wrap, £50, Silke London Prolong your blow-dry, encourage healthier hair or make like you’re on the Riviera with Silke London’s pure silk hair wraps. The brainchild of mane maestro Maria Sotiriou, these glamorous turbans preserve natural oils, keep hot hair from your neck when temperatures rise and minimise friction, breakage and frizz while you sleep.

The perfecting primer

Correcting Cream Veil, £55, Clé de Peau Beauté The Japanese skincare brand is celebrated for its technical advances, and this correcting cream is a must-have. The luminous, radiant base glows through even matte foundation. It conceals pores and fine lines, and transforms the skin’s texture, protecting it from environmental aggressors.

The cult haircare

Brazilian Joia shampoo and conditioner, £22, Sol de Janeiro Launching this summer is a strengthening and smoothing gem from Sol de Janeiro, the brand bringing Brazilian beauty secrets worldwide. A plantbased keratin formula repairs and prevents breakage, creating hair that is twice as strong. And it’s infused with a signature scent (think pure Copacabana) that will be a fragrance later this year.

The super tan

Super Glow Body, £35, Tan-Luxe Following the Super Glow Face serum (Space.NK’s best-selling tanning product last year), bronzing brand Tan-Luxe has launched Super Glow Body. The lightweight, hyaluronic complex quenches and plumps the skin, while avocado oil, raspberry seed oil and beetroot extract nourish and brighten – all while creating a gradual, luminous glow.

The radiance enhancer

Solar Glow Universal Illuminating Contour Duo, £55, Dolce & Gabbana A stroll through Sicily may be a far-flung dream, but we can feel the warmth of the sun on our skin with D&G’s Solar Glow collection. Mix a dash of the illuminating drops with your moisturiser or add a sweep of the contour duo when you want a fresh glow or a hint of invigorating sunshine.

The sensual cleansers

Triple-Oil Balm Make-up Remover and Cleanser, £88, Sisley Sisley transforms a daily chore into a sensual treat with its cleansers. The butter-like balm – containing nourishing shea, babassu and macadamia oils – creates a silky emulsion on the skin that leaves neither a greasy film nor tightness and gently removes even stubborn waterproof makeup.

The ultimate lip balm

Lip Butter Balm, £19.50, Summer Fridays We loved their jet-lag masks, and now Summer Fridays have turned their attention to eager lips. Sealing in hydration, the soothing balm fends off cracks, making lips smooth rather than greasy. Natural ingredients – vitamin-rich murumuru seed and shea butters, vegan plant waxes to soften and shine, a hint of vanilla – make it the taste of summer.

‘I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it’ – Maya Angelou

Loving kindness meditations Radical acts of compassion, loving-kindness meditations focus on goodwill, kindness and warmth to ourselves and others. We discover how to embrace deep compassion in our meditation

Loving-kindness meditation is a radical act of compassion for yourself

magine being able to send compassion to people about whom you feel conflicted. Just as there are meditations for focus, anxiety, breath, mantras, visualisations and body scans, there are meditations that focus on sending goodwill and compassion both inwards and outwards. Doing so opens your heart to kindness and love, and frees you from prejudice, jealousy and insecurity. Loving-kindness meditation is a radical act of compassion for others, but it is also an act of compassion for yourself. Sending love to others, and doing it over and over again, opens your heart to receiving love. Learning to access loving-kindness from your own self is an important step to leading a resilient, joyful life of harmony and openheartedness. Loving-kindness meditation is derived from the Buddhist practice of metta, which translates as care, friendliness, goodwill and benevolence. It might not

be obvious how sitting in isolation and focusing on breath can benefit other people. But training your mind to be kinder and less judgmental has a positive effect on your relationships. ‘The more we meditate with loving-kindness in mind, the more we foster compassion and let go of judgment and hostility,’ says headspace.com. ‘The more we familiarise ourselves with our own pain and suffering, the more we understand the quiet suffering in others.’ Kindness to others starts with kindness to ourselves. Loving-kindness mediations are a potent force for recovery, healing and growth. They are best used over weeks or months. Repeat phrases that speak to you and go deeper each time. You’ll learn to visualise kindness and to adopt it into your daily language and actions. It will become an unconscious reflex. ‘Loving-kindness is meant to be done in the easiest way possible, so that the experience springs

forth most gently, most naturally,’ explains Sharon Salzberg, meditation teacher, author and cofounder of the Insight Meditation Society in Massachusetts. ‘Our job, so to speak, is just to say those phrases: to say them knowing what they mean but without trying to fabricate a feeling, without putting that overlay on top of it, of stress. Let your mind rest in the phrases, and let the phrases be meaningful to you.’ You can see key phrases overleaf. We’ve also showcased five of our favourite loving-kindness meditations. These are designed to be used on a daily basis, so that each day your practice strengthens and deepens. ‘What emerges in such moments,’ notes professor and mindfulness pioneer Jon Kabat-Zinn, ‘is nothing less than loving kindness itself, arising naturally from extended silence, without any invitation – because it’s never not already here.’

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by WiseMindBody

Gentle but insightful, this lovely meditation is a great introduction to loving-kindness. Guiding Loving Kindness Meditation By Sharon Salzberg

A powerful meditation that focuses on sending loving-kindness to people about whom we feel neutral or conflicted. Traditional Loving Kindness Meditation by Live Sonima -

This excellent short meditation features an inspiring video, making it a great option if you’re meditating on-the-go and find it hard to close your eyes or concentrate. This Loving-Kindness Meditation Is a Radical Act of Love by Jon Kabat-Zinn

Jon Kabat-Zinn leads a heartscape meditation for the deep healing of ourselves and others. Loving Kindness Metta Meditation The Honest Guys – Meditations – Relaxation

A soothing and calming half-hour. You can really zone out with this one. 71

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Loving Kindness Meditation to Develop Mindfulness and Compassion

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Key loving-kindness phrases for yourself and others

May I/you be safe May I/you be healthy May I/you be happy May I/you be at ease May I/you be peaceful May I/you be strong May I/you have the power to accept and forgive May I/you love and appreciate others boundlessly May I/you have the power to accept anger and sadness May I/you be filled with loving-kindness 72

STORY OF

WISDOM

King Solomon’s decision

ne day two women came to King Solomon. One of them said: ‘Your Majesty, this woman and I live in the same house. Not long ago my baby was born at home, and three days later her baby was born. Nobody else was there with us. One night while we were all asleep, she rolled over on her baby, and he died. While I was still asleep, she got up and took my son out of my bed. She put him in her bed, then she put her dead baby next to me. ‘In the morning when I got up to feed my son, I saw that he was dead. But when I looked at him in the light, I knew he wasn’t my son.’ ‘No!’ the other woman shouted. ‘He was your son. My baby is alive!’ ‘The dead baby is yours,’ the first woman yelled. ‘Mine is alive!’ They argued back and forth in front of Solomon, until finally he said, ‘Both of you say this live baby is yours. Someone bring me a sword.’ A sword was brought, and Solomon ordered, ‘Cut the baby in half! That way each of you can have part of him.’ ‘Please don’t kill my son,’ one woman screamed. ‘Your Majesty, I love him very much, but give him to her. Just don’t kill him.’ The other woman shouted, ‘Go ahead and cut him in half. Then neither of us will have the baby.’ Solomon said, ‘Don’t kill the baby.’ Then he pointed to the first woman, ‘She is his real mother. Give the baby to her.’ Everyone was amazed when they heard how Solomon had made his decision. They realised that God had given him wisdom to judge fairly, and given all mother’s unconditional love.

Al-QayyĹŤm The Self-Subsisting The Self-Existing One upon whom all others depend. The One whose nature it is to exist. The One who is free of any dependence on anything else for existence. The One through whom all things arise. The One by whom all things are eternally managed aright. The Ever-Living, Self-Existing One who is the foundation upon which all things exist.

Unbroken

Be alone, not lonely By Najla Al Tenaiji

Alone, we can think deeply

ear Kintsugi readers, I hope you all are coping well amid this pandemic and quarantine. It’s strange to realise how familiar this concept is to me. I already know what quarantine looks like and feels like. I have tasted it and been forced to bear it. And, fortunately, I have overcome it. Let’s look at loneliness, which is a key issue for many of us in lockdown. Nearly everyone feels lonely at some point. For some, it’s a temporary condition. For others, it’s a way of life. It’s not always easy to admit to feeling lonely, but it’s more common than you think. Losing a loved one, not working, poor health, ageing, trauma, moving to a new city and even the weather can all contribute to feelings of loneliness. It affects us in different ways. Some feel lonely even when they spend a lot of time with people. Others may not have many social contacts but are perfectly comfortable with that. After my injuries, I suffered loneliness for a long time. It was the darkest period of my life. The emptiness I felt was vivid and visceral, like something was actually missing – a hole that I needed to fill. I felt lonely while surrounded by people, which is the hardest form of loneliness. But with the help of doctors, family and prayers, it was a long painful phase that I survived. And now, after many years with my life back on track, I know the difference between being alone and being lonely. My solitude was not intentional; it was forced upon me. I did not choose it for personal growth or peace. Loneliness is the negative feeling that arises when you feel dissociated from others. It is a sense of losing yourself, feeling isolated from everyone else.

Loneliness is a state of wishing for social interaction and communication, seeking support and appreciation. It is distinct from solitude, which is an intentional gesture of withdrawing from social interactions. Solitude is being alone without feeling lonely. It is a blessing in disguise. In our solitude, we are more open to receiving epiphanies. Solitude promotes creativity and allows us to think without outside influence. Alone, we can think deeply. We can create effective solutions to our problems. Solitude helps us dig deep into our thoughts, feelings and desires. When we are alone, there are no outside forces to influence the way we think and the decisions we make. We can renew ourselves and recharge our minds. In my intentional solitude, I listen to my thoughts and focus on the inner work that will help me live a better life. Being alone lets me examine and observe my thoughts and habits, to identify areas that need improvement. It allows me to focus on self-awareness, selfdiscovery, self-help, self-understanding, self-love, self-care, self-exploration, selftransformation and self-mastery. I have experienced both types of loneliness. I ask you to see quarantine as intentional solitude rather than forced isolation: being alone, not lonely. When we change our mindset, we add a positive twist to the situation. It is here that we discover our new selves, and we find peace, calmness and clarity. Loneliness is not a lack of company; loneliness is a lack of purpose. As Aldous Huxley wrote, ‘The more powerful and original a mind, the more it will incline towards the religion of solitude.

Learning to unlearn As we adjust to a new reality, will one of the things that changes be our understanding of â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;changeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; itself? Dr Asma Naheed, DEdPsy, looks to the future

Here are few things that, I believe, will happen as the world reopens:

he word ‘change’ features in every other inspirational quote. It drops blithely from the mouths of world leaders. It forms part of mantras taken up by celebrities. And it provides the backdrop to many a media campaign. Once, the meaning of the word was individual; today, it is universal. While we have been cooped up indoors, the outside world has undergone irreversible transformations. Things will not be the same; people will not be the same; countries will not be the same. Our perception will not be the same. The way we interact and the way we live our lives will be different. For once – regardless of our profession, expertise, skills, age, gender or location – we all are in the same boat. Old habits, social skills and cultural norms have had to be adjusted. But it will be a challenge to unlearn so much of what we know, and to discover and grow accustomed to the new normal. So how do we unlearn? How do we let go of things and habits that we have gathered over a lifetime? Imagine a full cup. To unlearn feels like emptying that cup and refilling it with something else – perhaps something better. Same cup, different drink. So what is the value of emptying the cup? The obvious benefit is creating space for new knowledge – recognising and stopping the stifling mindset that is manifested unintentionally when we feel we know everything. That’s the ‘This is how I’ve always done it’ syndrome. We need to rid ourselves of old ideas that are no longer appropriate in the new future. Collective unlearning, and learning something new, will keep us innovative, safe and alive. It’s survival. Being afraid to adapt means getting swept away by a tide of change.

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Our romance with capitalism and hyper-individualism will end. We will, I hope, understand what is possible through working together.

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We will adopt a fast-tracked and healthier digital lifestyle

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Science, rather than politics, will reign.

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The value of healthcare will get due respect.

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An opening for a stronger family bonding

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Family bonding can be stronger.

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There will be less eating out and more cooking at home.

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Reliance on a strong domestic supply chain will be greater.

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Minimalism will be a celebrated lifestyle.

This year has given us an opportunity – indeed, an invitation – to rethink and redefine what’s important and what’s not. This will have an impact across the board: from governments and businesses down to our own communities. It could be our chance to pave the way for a happier and healthier life, for us and future generations. It is a change in our understanding of ‘change’.

‘My barn having burned down, I can now see the moon’ – Mizuta Masahide