Kintsugi Summer Issue 2021 by BSP

SUMMER- ISSUE 10

THE

INTIMACY I SS U E

Self ··Wellbeing · Home · Fashion · Beauty · Health

Contents 5

Just the two of us Have you ever wondered what goes on in a therapist’s office? Annabel Harrison speaks to therapist Daniel Burbidge about relationships, intimacy and when to turn to the professionals

From the editor Why real intimacy takes courage. 'It is about being vulnerable, and allowing others to see that,' says editor Al Reem Al Tenaiji

The mindful 5 Live boldly and in full colour this season, with products to put a smile on your face

The reading list Awaken to new ideas and embrace the power of change

Five apps… for connection From reconnecting with friends to reigniting the spark with our partners, five clever apps for getting to know each other better

The art of connection Al Reem Al Tenaiji explores the human need to connect and why we should avoid living in the comfort zone 2

Speaking the same language Can we ever have a true connection if we’re not speaking the same love language? p16

I’ll be there for you What happens when a friend is facing a crisis? Emma Johnson looks at how to connect in trying times

To the letter In a world where so much communication is digital, what place does letterwriting have anymore? Emma Johnson considered the importance of a handwritten connection

How to be alone Solitude has long been viewed with suspicion or bemusement, says author Francesca Specter. However, in the right circumstances, it can be the thing we need most

p40

The kids are alright Annabel Harrison speaks to parenting expert and cofounder of The Bump Class Marina Fogle about one of the most important relationships of our lives – the one with our children

Losing touch How the pandemic affected our most intimate relationships and what we can do to move forward

COVER IMAGE: UNSPLASH. IMAGES: PEXELS, SUSHEEL SCHROEDER

Great minds think unalike We live in a world of conflict, says Elle Blakeman. But perhaps that is no bad thing, if we learn how to disagree with grace

Hachikõ – the faithful dog A beautiful tale of love, loyalty and connection

Patience is a virtue Patience is an essential for peace, says Najla Al Tenajii

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Rest and repair Discover the brands who do more by using less

We are the sum of our memories Why life is more than just a list of our experiences

As-Samad The Eternal, The Everlasting, The Satisfier of Every Need

Editor-in-Chief Al Reem Al Tenaiji Managing Editor Dr Asma Naheed Editor Elle Blakeman Editorial Assistants Paris Starr Annabelle Spranklen Creative Director Vanessa Grzywacz 3

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EDITOR'S LETTER

From the e d it or...

ILLUSTRATION: CLYM EVERNDEN. OPPOSITE PAGE, IMAGE: PEXELS

’ve been thinking a lot about intimacy lately. For some, it has been a year without hugs; for others, a more forced intimacy of sorts, partners and families locked into one place, the chance for space and solitude removed. Intimacy is often used as a euphemism for physical touch, but it’s really about emotional connection. We have different intimate relationships in life; ones with our friends and family, partners and children, even colleagues and strangers as some of us find it easier to reveal ourselves to those outside of our inner circle. Real intimacy takes courage. It is about being vulnerable, and allowing others to see that vulnerability. In the words of the late Indian guru Osho, it is ‘allowing the other to come into you, to see you as you see yourself ’. Intimacy requires that we know ourselves first. It demands an honesty about who we are, our innermost thoughts and feelings, before we can share that with others. This is certainly the view of author Francesca Specter, who argues that time spent alone, getting to truly know ourselves should always be our first priority (p24). Her brilliant podcast Alonement has become one of my favourites. We take a look at what the past year has done to our most intimate relationships (p52) and consider the concept of ‘love languages’ (p32); while Emma Johnson recalls love letters of begone eras (p16). While considering this theme, we also looked at the barriers to intimacy – why, if it’s something we all long for, do we put anything in the way? ‘One of the things most couples struggle with is listening to each other; actually listening to what someone is saying is very difficult,’ says therapist Daniel Burbidge in a thought-provoking interview with Annabel Harrison (p30). To nurture intimacy is to be willing to show all sides of yourself, to embrace differences without judgement and to grow from conflict. Later in the issue, Elle Blakeman explores the need to embrace disagreement, to learn from those whose opinions differ from ours, and to be open to changing our minds. Another barrier to intimacy can simply be circumstance – a friend is getting divorced, a colleague loses a parent. How do you reach across the gap to support them? ‘If we want our friendships to survive the ups and downs of life, we have to make sure we know how to be there in the worst possible moments,’ says Emma Johnson in her thoughtful feature I’ll be there for you (p40). Someone who has always amazed me with her ability to sit in some of life’s most vulnerable moments is my dear sister Najla. In her column this issue, she shares some of her hard-won wisdom on being both patient and vulnerable, and the extraordinary power to be found in both. Enjoy the issue.

'Marti' Earrings, £95, Shrimps

Rose Blush Cologne, £55, Jo Malone London Silk Kimono, From £1,620, Kintsugi x Carine Gilson, Kintsugispace.com

Eye mask, £75, Olivia von Halle Hamptons Private, £70, Assouline

The

Mindful 5 Live boldly and in full colour this season with products guaranteed to put a smile on your face

SUMMER SCENT A sunkissed glow without the need for sunshine (helpful if staycations are on the cards this year). Infused with gold and platinum leaf, and perfumed with the summer scents of golden amber and sandalwood, this is the perfect addition to your carry-on. Soleil Blanc Shimmering Body Oil, £75, Tom Ford

PULL UP A CHAIR

LIFE'S A BREEZE

Bring beach vibes to your garden with this stylish geo-print deck chair. The vibrant pop of orange is perfect for sunshiny days, while the easy fold mechanism makes it simple to store or transport.

Playful and practical, a wooden fan is the perfect foil to a baking hot day. We love these birchwood and printed cotton versions from Fern Fans that come in a range of bold summer shades.

Wooden deck chair, £40, Habitat

Small solid fan in Berry Pink, £50, Fern Fans

THE PERFECT POUR

LIGHTEN UP

Add a touch of romance to your table with this pretty carafe and tumbler set. A great zero waste alternative to plastic bottles, this combo keeps water fresh all night long, and looks gorgeous on your bedside table too.

This cheerful, beachy lamp will brighten up even the gloomiest of days. Wrapped in rattan with antique brass detailing, it is the fabulous blend of retro chic that Soho Home do so well. Lila table lamp, £295, Soho Home

Cotton Candy Rose Carafe and tumbler, £72, Petra Palumbo

The

Reading List A theme of awakening runs through our summer bookshelf, from relationships to self-compassion; the joys of nature to the delights of design on your terms. Now is the time to open our minds and embrace new ideas

Connections: A Story of Human Feeling KARL DEISSEROTH

World-renowned psychiatrist and neuroscientist Karl Deisseroth explores the origins of human emotion, and examines what mental illnesses reveal about all of us and how the broken can illuminate the unbroken. Why do we feel what we feel? And why is poor mental health one of the greatest causes of human suffering? Using gripping case studies and breakthrough scientific discoveries, Deisseroth helps transform the way we understand the brain, and ourselves.

The Awakened Brain LISA MILLER

Fierce Self-Compassion DR KRISTIN NEFF

Whether it’s an uplifting walk in nature, meditation or prayer, there are many ways to experience heightened awareness and escape the relentless demands of modern life. Lisa Miller has spent decades researching the effects of spirituality on the brain and in this book she draws on her clinical experience and research to show how an active spiritual life can transform our physical and psychological wellbeing.

A followup to the bestselling Self-Compassion, this book shows why it is more urgent than ever that women acknowledge their areas of suffering, celebrate their inner voice and challenge the male-orientated status quo. Exploring issues such as gender differences, why women aren’t more compassionate to themselves, and what women do for love, this book is full of expert research and insights, as well as mindful practices, aiming to empower and educate.

B OOK OF T H E MO N T H By Design: The World’s Best Contemporary Interior Designers PHAIDON

The power of our interior spaces is the key to helping us feel comfortable and happy in our own surroundings. This gorgeous book is a timely, comprehensive showcase of the most exceptional, innovative and groundbreaking interior designers who inspire us to put a personal stamp on the spaces we inhabit by breaking boundaries and experimenting with new, original ideas. This is one to get your creative juices flowing.

Lift Your Vibe RICHIE NORTON

After an injury led to the end of his professional rugby career, rather than give up Richie Norton turned to wellness practices, discovering the peace, contentment and joy of breathwork, yoga, nutrition and meditation. In this book he shares his expertise to help you unlock and develop your full physical and mental potential, with simple-tofollow daily rituals that fit into even the busiest schedule.

The Light Ages: A Medieval Journey of Discovery SEB FALK

The Middle Ages were a time of incredible discovery. From the first universities to the first mechanical clocks, medieval thinkers sought hard to understand the world around them. In his book, author Seb Falk introduces us to a fourteenth-century monk, inventor, astrologer and crusader named John of Westwyk – who was educated in England’s grandest monastery and exiled to a clifftop priory. Following the traces of his life, we learn to see the natural world through John’s eyes.

Conversations on Love NATASHA LUNN

A celebration of love in all its forms, featuring conversations with authors, Lunn examines the complexities of how we find love, how we sustain it and how we survive when we lose it. From real-life love stories that will leave you feeling hopeful, to insights from experts that will change the way you think about your relationships, this book is a sparkly reminder that love is fragile, sturdy, mundane, beautiful; a thing always worth fighting for.

Five apps… for con nec tion When did you last check in with your friends and family? Or yourself, for that matter? Here are five clever apps to help

IMAGE: UNSPLASH/MILADA VIGEROVA

strengthen our closest connections...

PAIR E D How do you split the chores in your relationship? Who initiates intimacy? Are you happy with how things are going? This new app, featuring audio tutorials and daily tips, is dedicated to getting you and your partner on the same page by asking a range of questions on subjects from housework to sex and asking you to rate your happiness. Your partner will be asked the same questions and then you can explore your replies together. getpaired.com

BET T E R O

In a digital world, receiving a postcard in the mail is all the more meaningful. With Touchnote it’s quick and easy to design a card using your own photos and send at the click of a button. A lovely way to let your loved ones know that you’re thinking about them. touchnote.com

3 4 5

Designed to ‘cultivate your inner feminine divinity’, this ground-breaking app is packed with expert advice and programmes on how to awaken your sexual energy and improve self-love, sensitivity and connection with your partner. With everything from breathing techniques to yoni exercises, this is definitely one to bookmark. apps.apple.com/il/app/better-o/id1481500511

PSYC H

TOU C H N OTE

How well do you know your friends? This fast guessing game is a great way to find out. With trivia rounds, fake answers to spot and quickfire ‘Who is the most likely to…’ questions, this game will quickly reacquaint you with those closest to you. It’s fabulous fun too. munkyfun.com/psych

K AST Whether it’s a series that you and your partner love watching together or a reality show that only your best friend will understand, watching TV is always much better with someone else. Available for both iOS and Android users, this clever new app allows you to stream shows from Netflix, Amazon Prime, Hulu and more with another person via a split screen. Featuring a chatroom where you can text or video message each other in real time, it’s as good as being in the room together. kastapp.co

‘‘To grow in our ability to love ourselves, we need to receive love as well’

IMAGE: UNSPLASH/CORINA RAINER

John Gray

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o f

e art

Kintsugi editor A l R e e m A l Te n a i j i l o o k s at the human need to connect and why we should avoid living in the comfort zone

o i n e c t

‘I have begun to wonder if the secret of living well is not in having all the answers but in pursuing unanswerable questions in good company’ Rachel Naomi Remen

eing social is a human imperative. Aside from the positive effects of touch and emotional connection, there was a point in time when quite simply if we weren’t social, we wouldn’t have survived. We relied on our tribes for survival and the instinct remains deep within us. Our brain focuses on our basic needs and being social is on the top of his list. As John Donne famously said, ‘No man is an island, entire of itself.’ We meet many people over the course of our lives. Some we like, others we don’t; often we may not even know why we have hit upon our opinion. For me getting along is great, but getting connected is what really excites me. Deep connection goes beyond looks. It occurs as

a response to that most magical of concepts: sharing. When we share intimate thoughts and feelings with someone, trust them enough to share our secrets, values and passions with them, our brain releases oxytocin (the bonding hormone), providing a rush of soothing, joyful energy. However, while this can be wonderful, there is a risk in surrounding ourselves exclusively with like-minded people, as it creates a comfort zone. The more time we spend with each other, the more we are likely to adopt the views, mantras, quotes, hobbies and interests of another. In short, we adopt each other. In time, this can even influence our behaviours and decisions. Studies show that it’s very common for a group of people to turn into a nice little circle where

IMAGE: PEXELS/RFSTUDIO

everyone agrees and thinks exactly like each other. For me this is a dangerous place: nothing grows there. ‘When we experience working through challenges with others, we elevate these people in our lives as trusted advisors. We hold them in our minds and hearts as people we can talk with about everything,’ says Judith E. Glaser, chair of the WE Institute, who conducted social science research on the psychology of deep connection. ‘We listen to them differently. We consider their ideas and take their feedback with a higher level of openness than usual.’ Maarten van Doorn, a writer for medium.com, agrees: ‘The people you spend the most time with shape who you are. They determine what conversations dominate your attention. They affect to which attitudes and behaviours you are regularly exposed. Eventually you start to think like they think and behave like they behave.’ So we need to know that the people in our circle are the ones who are going to challenge us to think differently, otherwise we are just stuck in an echo chamber of what we already know.

This is why I like to surround myself with people who challenge me to think differently; why I will always welcome a well-rounded intellectual argument over flat-out agreement. Sharing, trusting and working through challenges with other people without fear of ‘loss’ enables us to get to the next level of greatness. It stretches our mental capacity. Jim Rohn once suggested that you become the sum of your five closest friends. Me, I have an inspirer, an accountability partner, an optimist, a brutally honest, and an empathetic listener in my Kintsugi circle. It’s simple to work out. Write the name of five people with whom you spend most of your time. Assign each a numerical value from 1 to 10, to calculate your average (with 10 being the most positive influence possible). How does each person affect your average? They don’t need to be Tony Robbins or the Dalai Lama, but they should make you a better person and elevate both your thinking and performance. My mentor used to say that the best stories have great supporting characters. Want to have an inspiring story? Choose your supporting characters wisely.

CONNECTIONS

To the letter

In a wor ld wher e so m uc h co mmun icatio n is d ig ital , wh at p l ace d o e s letter -wr i t i ng ha ve a nym or e ? Emma Johnson co n s id e r s th e imp o r tan ce of a han d wr itte n co n n e ctio n

ast year, the global population sent a total of 306.4 billion emails – every single day. That’s over 111 trillion emails a year. Imagine. And yet, in 2020, in the UK – in a year when we needed to connect with each other more than ever before – we sent a total of just ten million letters over the course of an entire year. Not even one letter per person. Communicating in a written form is at an all-time low. We don’t send cards; we mail birthday greetings via a digital paperless service. We don’t write thank-you letters, we text our gratitude instead. We don’t write down our feelings, we click a generic yellowfaced emoji and assume that it will cover the vast depths of the human experience. Our handwriting has got worse, we can lay our hands on a phone quicker than a pen, and

many of us would not even recognise our best friend’s handwriting anymore. The beguiling magic of the handwritten missive seems to have been obliterated by the rush to do things quicker and easier. And, in that rush, we have lost a beautiful connection that comes only from the written word. ‘How wonderful it is to be able to write someone a letter! To feel like conveying your thoughts to a person, to sit at your desk and pick up a pen, to put your thoughts into words like this is truly marvellous,’ writes Haruki Murakami in Norwegian Wood. How wonderful indeed. The act of sitting down to write to someone speaks to a real intention to connect – a mindful, slower approach to sharing your feelings and experiences in a way that is both lasting, and meaningful.

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B E ET H OV E N TO H I S “ I M M O RTA L B E LOV E D ”

Though still in bed, my thoughts go

out to you, my Immortal Beloved…

Be calm, love me today, yesterday… what tearful longings for you,

you, you, my life, my all farewell.

Oh continue to love me, never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved. Ever thine.

Ever mine. Ever ours.

‘A properly crafted letter is something to be cherished, an act of exposure which gives shape and meaning to the chaos of life,’ says John O’Connell, in For the Love of Letters: The Joy of Slow Communication. We reread letters, returning to them over the years, unfolding their creased pages, connecting with the inked words of a loved one. We remember words that were written to us, or that we wrote to others. When we want to connect with someone, we can hold that letter in our hands and think about them. ‘Letters are not only a form of communication,’ says journalist Rosie Blunt, writing for the BBC in 2020. ‘They can act as a museum piece for the future.’ Blunt describes spending lockdown at her parents’ house, working her way through boxes in the attic and discovering letters from her grandmother who died six years before. ‘The scrawled handwriting described

historical events such as VE Day and the Queen’s coronation but, most importantly, it captured my granny at her most alive.’ It is letters like this that have a longevity a digital one-liner can never match. ‘I find it hard to imagine that generations to come will one day download the “Collected Tweets of Neil Gaiman” onto their e-reader,’ wrote Peter Geoghegan in The Guardian. Even a letter that takes only a few minutes to write might speak into the centuries that come after it, immortalising not only a moment in time, but the essence of the person writing them. Love, loss, gratitude, anger, pain – all can be shared, but also remembered. In 1941, hours before she took her own life, Virginia Woolf wrote her husband a letter. Its words became her last, and some of her best known: ‘I can’t

fight any longer… what I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good… everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can’t go on spoiling your life any longer. I don’t think two people could have been happier than we have been.’ Decades before, in 1902, a devasting mine collapse in Tennessee killed hundreds and trapped 26, who slowly suffocated. Found next to their bodies were letters to loved ones, including one from Jacob Vowell to his wife and six children: ‘Ellen, I want you to live right and come to heaven. Raise the children the best you can. Oh, how I wish to be with you, goodbye. Oh God, for one more breath. Ellen, remember me as long as you live. Goodbye darling.’ Artist Frida Kahlo’s letters are some of the most evocative depictions of her

CONNECTIONS

relationships, and lay bare much of her inner turmoil. From her love letters to artist José Bartoli (‘I don’t know how to write love letters … But I wanted to tell you that my whole being opened for you. Since I fell in love with you everything is transformed and is full of beauty…’) to her rage and heartbreak at her husband Diego Rivera (‘I’m writing to let you know I’m releasing you, I’m amputating you. Be happy and never seek me again… Goodbye from somebody who is crazy and vehemently in love with you!’). Letters don’t even have to be long to convey the very essence of someone’s wit and personality. Nancy Mitford and Evelyn Waugh, two of the twentieth century’s most amusing and gifted writers, shared over 500 letters of literary criticism and personal banter between them, many of which have been

immortalised in books and collections since. But it is Mitford’s acerbic brevity on receiving invitations that always raises a smile. ‘Miss Nancy Mitford is unable to do as you ask,’ she would reply to any request she didn’t want to honour. Margaret Atwood, meanwhile, used to decline invitations by asking her agent to respond: ‘Sorry, I can’t do it because I’m dead.’ There’s a lot we can learn from letters. Jon McGregor, who teaches a creative writing course at Nottingham University, asks students to study the letters of others as part of the course, because he believes writing letters allows you to develop your own style. ‘I’ve always been interested in the kinds of writing people do when they don’t think they’re being asked To Write,’ he says. ‘Without really thinking about it, I was experimenting with ways of

telling a story, ways of holding a reader’s attention, playing with voice and form and technique.’ This was exactly the case for Nina Stibbe, an aspiring author who got her big break when her sister discovered some of Stibbe’s letters from the 1980s when she was working as a nanny in London. Not under pressure to ‘write’ in the professional sense, Stibbe’s letters were playful, funny and gripping to read – but, most of all, they had an authenticity that had eluded her writing thus far. The discovery of these letters was to change her writing career. ‘The thing that really counted was the young Stibbe’s voice: the warmth with which she writes to her sister, the easy intimacy, the wit,’ explains Sam Jordison in The Guardian. In writing letters, Stibbe had found her true voice. And, for others, it’s not just voice, but

FRIDA KAHLO TO DIEGO RIVERA Nothing compares to your hands, nothing like the green-gold of your eyes. My body is filled with you for days and days. You are the mirror of the night. The violent flash of lightning. The dampness of the earth. The hollow of your armpits is my shelter. My fingers touch your blood. All my joy is to feel life spring from your flower-fountain that mine keeps to fill all the paths of my nerves which are yours.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY TO MARLENE DIETRICH

I can’t say how every time I ever put my arms around you I felt that I was home,

R I C H A R D B U RTO N TO E L I Z A B ET H TAY LO R My blind eyes are desperately waiting for the sight of you. You don’t realise of course, E.B., how fascinatingly beautiful you have always been, and how strangely you have acquired an added and special and dangerous loveliness.

creativity as a whole. When McGregor turned his course into a global letterwriting project, he saw entries that spoke of lives captured in more than just words. ‘There were crossings out and rewritings, marginalia, diagrams, doodles, cover notes and Post-it notes… there were pressed flowers, and bookmarks, and even a lock of hair. At least two letters arrived stuffed into plastic bottles, the stamps held on with Sellotape and hope.’ Battered, creased and stained, but ultimately beautiful, these letters bore traces of the journeys they had made from where they were written. ‘They were physical objects, with all the tactility and uniqueness and marks of time which that implies,’ he says. ‘And it became more apparent than ever that these marks of time are what distinguish letters from emails and other digital correspondence.’

Writing and receiving letters are true acts of mindfulness. Letters take time to write, and take time to read and to respond to. ‘Maybe you need to mull over some of the points, or maybe your schedule doesn’t allow for a response right now – the point of writing letters is to celebrate the slowness and make space for the process,’ says writer Emily Torres. A connection with a thoughtful missive involves more than just your eyes and the click of a mouse. The sound of weighted paper hitting a doormat offers a promise of connection that cannot be replicated by the arrival of an email. ‘The thrill of receiving that battered envelope with its longed-for contents – all the better for the wait,’ notes John O’Connell. We write for many reasons: to share news, to apologise, to say thank you, to console or comfort, to congratulate, to

set boundaries, to paint a picture with words, to pass on wisdom, to declare our love. Why we write is important, but what also speaks volumes is the time taken to write. That a close friend has dedicated that time to your relationship is clear before you read a word. ‘Letters are a place for writers to get their message across uninterrupted. It’s all about you telling your story in a way that invites the other person to feel seen, recognized, supported, and understood,’ says Torres. We write to be heard, to offer our attention, to share a considered dialogue that speaks to the deep empathy or feeling between two people. And, as we do it, we create tangible pieces of our history, missives of love, humour and adventure that can be passed down for generations, a unique gift of connection from our life, to the lives of others.

CONNECTIONS

THE ART OF THE LETTER

IMAGE: PEXELS/OLYA KOBRUSEVA/SHUTTERSTOCK

‘Personal stationery can say a lot about you, advertising your attention to detail and love of the finer things in life. It will endow your communications with gravitas, and ensure that they are given the recipient’s full attention.’ Debrett’s Modern Manners (Correspondence)

Tiger Notelets, £27, Smythson Simple and striking, this set of ten tiger motif notelets comes with tissue-lined envelopes.

Falling Flowers Ballpoint Pen, £34, Kate Spade Brighten up your desk with this charming floral ballpoint pen and turn to-do lists into a thing of joy.

Grey Scalloped Pen Pot, £19.95, Martha Brook Playful and stylish, the beguiling curves create a real focal point on your desk; the perfect place to keep your pens and pencils together.

Letterpress Writing Set, £7, Present & Correct Whimsical and beautifully made, this little letter set has eight vintage-style writing sheets and four envelopes. Send a letter that is as beautiful as it is interesting.

Address and Birthday Book, £45, Fraser and Parsley Hand-bound in England and covered in clay buckram – a hard-wearing coated cotton with a water-resistant finish – this gorgeous book has A-Z sections, two pages per month for birthdays and a small pocket for stamps.

Maren Leather Desk Blotter, £96, Anthropologie Make sure you’re always writing on a smooth, forgiving surface with this beautiful leather blotter, which also has slip pockets, a shallow compartment for pens and pencils and a 50-page notebook for moments of inspiration.

FINISHING TOUCHES Make an impression by personalising an envelope with a sketch or a meaningful quote, or make your own (www.thesprucecrafts.com/easy-folded-paper-envelope-2905553). Learn calligraphy so you can address letters with beautiful cursive script (www.themoderncalligraphyco.com/book-a-course), or attach vintage address labels (www.presentandcorrect.com/collections/mail/products/address-labels).

‘My spiritual connection is about embracing everything around me. We’re all the same. There are no boundaries’

IMAGE: UNSPLASH/CAIQUE SILVA

Donna Karan

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SELF

How to be alone S oli t ude ha s long be e n vie we d with s us p icio n o r be mus e me n t, sa ys j our na li st a nd a ut ho r Francesca Specter . H o we ve r, in th e r i g ht c i r c um st a nc es , it can be th e th in g we n e e d mo s t

IMAGE: PEXELS/GARY BARNES

ockdown fads came and went (remember the banana bread revolution?), but one recurrent topic was solitude: how much – or little – were you getting, and what was the effect on your mental health? We’d never been so polarised in our ‘me-time’ allocation; if you spent the past year living with family, housemates or a partner, you likely enjoyed next to none – whereas if you were among the eight million people in the UK living alone, it was a different story entirely. But what about enjoying alone time in moderation? At the beginning of 2019, I coined the word ‘alonement’, which describes

when time alone is fulfilling and joyful, after realising there was no equivalent, objectively positive word for solitude in the English language. I quite fancy some alonement tonight, you might say to your partner on a Sunday night, after a weekend where you’ve been together 24/7. Or it’s a name for that feeling of relief when you close the front door behind you after a long day at the office. As a lifelong extrovert, I’d never developed the capacity to enjoy solitude. It took rebranding it to myself (quite literally, inventing language) and learning to relish activities like visiting the cinema and going abroad, solo, to change my perception.

Healthy alone time can give our brains a chance to relax and make connections that it might not do when we’re around other people Solitude is something that, as a society, we’ve long treated with suspicion or bemusement. This is partly because of extreme or even negative labelling of those who actively seek time alone: the cliched ‘introvert’ who hates parties, the eccentric genius who takes himself (because this is inevitably a male trope) off to the woods to write. Secretly, you might fear being alone with your thoughts, and so the idea of you, or someone close to you, choosing solitude over company might seem baffling. I know I used to feel that way. The pandemic hasn’t helped the general perception of ‘alone time’, either. Aloneness has taken on a rather unsavoury association with public health measures: social distancing, self-isolation, quarantine. After a situation that forced so many of us to be physically alone, or else to feel alone – that is to say, isolated from the people we depend on – our existing suspicion or fear towards solitude might have intensified. And yet, as we put our heads above the parapet and re-enter the socially connected world, alonement has never been so necessary. If your social muscles have atrophied over the past year, you’re certainly not alone – and you might not feel ready to ‘snap back’ to the busy, hectic lifestyle you had in the Old Normal. Besides, you might have realised that the quiet moments or rituals you had over the past year are worth holding on to. That’s where alonement comes in: it’s a handy word to justify and communicate your choice to factor in a bit more solitude going forward. Taking quality ‘me-time’ might soon prove an asset in your mental health toolkit. It was only after launching my podcast – Alonement, in which I interviewed high-profile guests of all different ages, life stages and backgrounds – that I realised just how universally important solitude is. Alone time reaps rewards from a

psychological perspective. As Dr Emma Hepburn (aka @thepsychologymum) shared on my podcast, healthy alone time (i.e. through choice) can give our brains a chance to relax and make connections that it might not do when we’re around other people, leading to enhanced creativity. Case in point: alone time allows Emma to create the insightful illustrations she’s gained Insta-fame for. Nell Frizzell, an author and journalist, shared how her solo wild swimming ritual has helped her rediscover her sense of self after becoming a parent: ‘It makes me feel alive and vital in a way I struggle to be when I’m at home playing with Lego.’ Alonement can benefit you, whatever your romantic status. A number of my guests, from personal trainer Alice Liveing to comedian John Robins, championed the ability to have alone time as a key factor in their relationships’ success; it seems absence does make the heart grow fonder. Couples may understand this more than ever after being cooped up together during lockdown. Meanwhile, as a single person, my capacity to enjoy activities alone, from solo travel to a restaurant meal for one, is liberating – and means I won’t get into a relationship for the wrong reasons (just to have someone to do these things with). The challenge is that alone time can decline into loneliness, particularly if the element of choice is taken away. This is something I – like many others – experienced in the most extreme way during lockdown, when government restrictions meant months apart from loved ones. ‘Being alone, when not a choice, is loneliness which creates stress, which has an adverse effect on our wellbeing,’ shared Dr Hepburn on the podcast. This happens outside of a pandemic too: for instance, being ‘cancelled on’ at the last minute, or left out of a social plan, can make

SELF

THREE SOLITUDE SKILLS

CREATE A SOLO RITUAL

LEARN TO COMMUNICATE

We’re used to booking fancy brunches with friends, or days out with our partner – but what about with ourselves? Showing yourself the same attention helps you treat alone time as ‘quality time’.

This could be a daily breakfast routine in which you read the papers in blissful silence, or an early evening stroll.

Respectfully explain your alonement needs to your loved ones (‘It’s not you – I value alone time’). This allows you to practice them without guilt or fear of misunderstanding. It might inspire them to try alonement,too!

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PLAN A SOLO DATE

you feel your aloneness isn’t chosen, adding to the risk of loneliness. So how to resist loneliness, and maintain alonement? It might sound strange from someone who writes full-time about solitude, but a year of lockdown has made me realise just how important having a foundation of connection is to help us feel comfortably alone. The best ‘alonement’ occurs when you feel confident that you’ve got meaningful relationships with a network of people who you feel supported by, even in their physical absence. Try balancing out a morning spent alone with a half-hour phone call to a close friend; the contrast helps you savour both.

The crucial thing about alonement is that it needs to be in moderation – something we’re likely only just able to regain this side of the year of lockdowns. Think about it like a balanced diet, although the exact nature of this balance varies for everyone. There’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t like to spend a whole day alone, just like there’s nothing wrong with you if you find being around others 24/7 exhausting. When it comes to alonement, a little goes a long way. Try introducing small amounts into your life – 15 minutes to savour your coffee before work, an hour spent reading in the evening – and experience the benefits for yourself.

‘The opposite of loneliness is not togetherness, it’s intimacy’

IMAGE: PEXELS/DARIA SHEVTSOVA

Richard Bach

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A TREATMENT ROOM AT THE SOKE. INTERIORS BY COVET & NOIR

Just the t wo of us Annabel Harrison spea k s t o th e fo un d e r o f n e w me n tal h e alth cl in ic Th e So ke , Ma r ya m Meddi n, a nd to o n e o f h e r p r actitio n e r s D an ie l Bur bid g e , a bout r ela t i onshi ps, i n timacy an d wh e n to tur n to th e p r o s

Even though it’s a mental health and wellness centre, you won’t catch any of The Soke’s staff talking about ‘patients’. ‘We make a big point of not referring to anyone as a patient; we always refer to clients,’ says founder Maryam Meddin. ‘The person sitting opposite can feel as if the practitioner is on a pedestal, or passing judgement on their feelings and who they are as a person. We wanted to address that in every way possible.’ ‘Every way possible’ led Meddin to founding The Soke. A varied career path – she previously ran a communications

and branding agency and, in her youth, worked in a restaurant – brought her to the realisation that mental healthcare lacked a focus on service, and there was an imbalance in the relationship dynamic. ‘The minute people put their foot in a clinic, they’re made to feel like a patient, not a client. The Soke is a mental health service that brings the focus back to the client.' As such, the Soke rips up the rule book about how such a clinic should look. ‘We wanted to create a space that was soft but not feminine; luxurious and comfortable,’ Meddin explains. ‘We are happy for people to bring their dogs. We

don’t have a reception desk; we know exactly who’ll arrive at a certain time so they are greeted at the door by name.’ There’s a Client Services Director whose job is to keep clients happy and informed, and to answer their questions. ‘We are thinking from their perspective; when they leave the therapy room, they have questions beyond that conversation.’ When it comes to treatment, ‘There are no rules,’ says Meddin. ‘There’s nothing worse than saying, “You should meditate or go for a run,” because that might not be what works for you. Instead, we say: don’t feel you have to explain yourself, and find what works for you.’

Q&A

We meet one of The Soke's experts, Daniel Burbidge, to discuss common relationship challenges… As a psychodynamic psychotherapist, what is it that you do? We are interested in what’s going on right now in relationships, but our focus is trying to make a link between your earlier upbringing, and how those two things might be causing problems. I am only interested in the past insofar as it has a bearing on what’s going on right now. Our earlier relationships form how we view our relationship in the present.

IMAGE: COURTESY OF THE SOKE

Is there always something that can be done to help a relationship that’s in difficulty? We sometimes deal with people who have come to the decision they will have to separate but most relationships you can certainly think about and work together to try to make things better; to understand what’s feeding into a particular problem. It’s very common that one person is more resistant to the process; it’s almost inevitable. It’s often a wife who is bringing her partner to therapy – but not always the case. Identifying who is resistant and why can often be a very important part of the process. What recurring issues do you see among couples? One of the things most couples struggle with is listening to each other; actually listening to what someone is saying is very difficult. Relationships are really difficult, and tricky, and I think there’s an expectation somehow that we should find them easy. They are not. I want to emphasise the fact that if someone is struggling or feeling disappointed, this is a very common experience. It doesn’t necessarily mean there’s something inherently wrong in a relationship; it might mean there’s something wrong with how

you’re communicating. Making the time and space to be able to think about that together is really crucial. The complexity of relationships is very hard to convey and we don’t often see the monotonous, boring aspects of life [portrayed in popular culture]. There are other issues around maintaining a healthy sex life, whatever that may be for you. It takes real courage to talk about sex. Very often couples haven’t ever really had conversations about sex. It can often be a huge relief for couples to talk about it in therapy. It can feel frightening but I think it’s worth pursuing. Is one person often clearly less ‘in the wrong’? I sometimes do find myself thinking that, but actually it takes two people in a relationship to create a problem. There may be part of it that has not been expressed. What’s that about? I like that question because it’s an obvious part of what happens but it’s not the full picture. People often come to therapy thinking their partner is the problem but we are trying to understand something about the dynamic between two people. How have you seen the pandemic impact marriages and relationships? It’s been a massive problem. Couples have been forced to rely on each other in a different way. There has been a lot of anxiety about money, which has put pressure on relationships. It’s made it harder for some couples to have sex because they feel too on top of each other already. There has been an increase in mental health conditions – anxiety, depression – which have placed additional strain on relationships. For couples already experiencing low

level problems, it’s been a tinderbox for problems that could have been resolved with the support of friends and family. The structure they had in place prior to the pandemic to help manage with difficulties – doing sport, chatting with friends – has evaporated and the compulsion to rely entirely on their partner has placed relationships under tremendous strain. Another source of tension – and tremendous frustration – has been the sharing of domestic tasks, particularly when people have young kids. I have observed that even when both members of the couple are working full-time, domestic tasks have often fallen predominantly to women. Working out how to share these things takes time and effort. How can grief impact a relationship? The grieving process can be so painfully lonely. Providing enough space for somebody going through that, but also enough support, is crucial. It’s a delicate balancing exercise, and finding that balance can be very difficult. Many people have had to face, if not the reality, the prospect during the pandemic. What advice would you give couples who are having issues? Come to us when you first start seeing problems. Too often, couples wait too long and the resentment can be so corrosive. I’m not saying it can’t be worked with, but it’s better to come earlier to work out your communication style rather than building up years of resentment. Technology offers a means of people not being together with each other. Try to preserve some time for connection, no technology at all; just being able to talk to each other is absolutely crucial for good communication in relationships.

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Speak ing the same lang uage How c a n you fi nd a t r ue co n n e ctio n with s o me o n e if yo u’r e n o t spea k i ng t he sa m e la ng ua g e ? Gemma Jones d is co ve r s h o w le ar n in g your ‘ love la ng ua g e’ can h e l p yo u bo th fe e l mo r e in s yn c

IMAGE: PEXELS/ARTHUR OGLEZNEV

ften mistaken for another type of personality test, Gary Chapman’s concept of the five love languages has been a feature of couples’ self-help and therapy for more than 25 years. But where personality tests tend to focus on your individual values and ethos, Chapman’s relationship manifesto attempts to explore what things most resonate with us in relationships and the different ways we need to be shown love. Chapman, a marriage counsellor and linguistics expert, explains that if we can come to understand not only our own love language, but that of our partner, we can start to meet their needs in a more fulfilling way. ‘Relationships grow better when we understand each other,’ he says. ‘Everyone gives and receives love differently, but with a little insight into these differences, we can be confidently equipped to communicate love well.’ This is true for all forms of relationship: couples, children, friends and even colleagues. The five love languages he has discovered are different ways of giving and receiving love. They are: words of affirmation, quality time,

receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. While we all appreciate all of these to some degree, there will be one or possibly two that are more important to us. But there will also be one or two that are more important to your spouse or loved one – and they are very rarely the same ones. The crux of the love languages message is: ‘My partner is not me.’ This is where love languages become really important, because we tend to show our love in the ways that we want it to be shown, rather than the way someone else wants to receive it. Which, not surprisingly, leaves both you and someone you love feeling unfulfilled and can create huge rifts in a relationship. ‘People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need,’ says Chapman. You can take a simple test to find out your own love language. Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate guides you through ways to explore your findings together. Overleaf, we’ve identified all five love languages, and also how they can backfire if they’re not a language your loved one speaks.

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Word s of a ff i r ma t i on From the inimitable ‘I love you’ to hearing compliments, being thanked, hearing that you’re appreciated verbally and receiving text messages or letters of love, this language focuses on declarations of love, on the verbal importance of hearing that you are loved and valued – because it’s good to have your efforts recognized with kind words, no matter how small they are. Details are key – just saying ‘I love you’ isn’t enough. Noticing the little things, commenting on a new outfit – these are the love affirmations that really speak to some people. Be aware though…. The problem with this love language is that, for someone that doesn’t appreciate words of affirmation, words of love go completely unheard – to someone else it is simply noise, an irritation, a feeling that someone is checking up on them, marking their work, assessing their effort. Are they really seeking approval? Did they want it in the first place?

This love language is about easing the burden of responsibility – doing things such as housework, food shopping or family admin. It could be things like making breakfast in bed or cooking a nice meal, but it could also be about more mundane tasks such as walking the dog or sweeping the floor. Love doesn’t always look like hearts and roses, and often, when it speaks it’s about recognising where you can help someone, which shows how much attention you’ve been paying. It also says that you value your loved one’s time too and want to help them get through the tasks of life. Be aware though… For others, helping in this way can be a threat to independence, or seems to say to them that they can’t manage. Helping just exposes the things they haven’t done and can tap into deeper issues with their own self-worth.

IMAGES: PEXELS/BRADLEY KNOLL/COTTONBRO/OLYA KOBRUSEVA

Acts o f ser vi ce

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Quali t y t i me This is all about undivided attention, something that this person needs on a daily basis. It might be sharing something meaningful together, cooking, exercising, being physically intimate or learning a new skill together. Crucially, a part of this is about active listening, maintaining eye contact and feeling that your partner is focusing on you, making time for you and prioritising you in their schedule. Spending meaningful time together in this way sends a message to a loved one that they truly matter.

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Be aware though… Too much time together feels controlling for others, or doesn’t allow them the headspace they need to reflect and regroup. It can be intense for people who need time to slow down or to process their own feelings.

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Rec ei vi ng g i fts Getting a gift in this instance isn’t about materialism, but about the love, thought and effort behind it. It’s an example of actions speaking louder than words, especially when a gift has considerable thought behind it or shows how well another person knows you, or has concentrated on what matters to you. The value of gift-giving shows the careful choosing of the right object to represent the relationship and the gesture of giving reinforces the idea that you are valued and seen. Be aware though… People who don’t value this love language will not see these things – and giving them a gift might bring up worries about financials, or a feeling that they lack something, or a fear of clutter and being overwhelmed. It might even speak to a clash of taste and style.

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FINDING A BALANCE We can use love languages to connect, and to deepen our intimacy. But we must use them wisely and we must do the work to know ourselves better, not just others.

IMAGES: PEXELS/KAROLINA GRABOWSKA/DARIA SHEVTOSVA

Phys ic al to uch This love language thrives on physical touch – from handholding, hugs and pats on the back to more regular physical intimacy. People who value this feel loved when they receive physical signs of affection, which can be both affirming and serve as an important connection back to childhood, when they felt safe and held by their parents. You will feel more grounded and connected when physical affection happens often, at home – and in public, which helps you feel wanted and desired. Be aware though… Excessive physical touch can be confronting and overwhelming, making people feel crowded or pressured. It can also seem to represent possessiveness or a need for control.

ften, in the beginning, there is often a tendency to keep score – making note of who did what for whom. ‘All the beauty that comes with learning to speak each other’s love languages gets erased when we get competitive about it,’ says marriage therapist Linda Carroll. Followed too closely, love languages also don’t leave space for the natural change and evolution of ourselves that happens over time. We should grow in a relationship, not be forced into a box of behaviour from which we cannot grow. Plus, it can’t change toxic behaviours – sometimes you need to do the work on yourself or together to unpick bigger issues. If we rely too heavily on love languages, they can promote codependency and prevent us developing our autonomy. Learning our partner’s love language helps us meet their needs better, but learning our own language also helps us meet our own needs better too. So make sure you use these examples on yourself as well. Love doesn’t only come from others. ‘We know that to be truly fulfilled, we need first to fill our own tank,' says Carroll. 'Do you use words of affirmation, gifts, touch and quality time with yourself?’

‘We are like islands in the sea, separate on the surface but connected in the deep’ William James

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I’ll be there for you Wha t ha ppe ns whe n a f r ie n d f ace s a cr is is ? H o w d o yo u br id g e th e g a p be t we e n t he i r wor ld an d yo ur s ? Emma Johnson lo o k s at h o w to supp o r t an d co n n e ct in tr yin g time s

‘When reaching out at these times, it’s important to put the other person first’

emember wwhen your biggest friendship challenge was where to go for dinner? Or what holiday to book? Or whose turn it was to clean out the fridge? You are likely to have lived parallel lives with your closest friends: sharing schools, postcodes and, importantly, problems. But, as we age, these change as we go off-piste from each other: illness, infertility, financial worries, divorce, death, loss, mental health struggles. The chances are that we, or those close to us, will have to navigate very real challenges – ones that can no longer be eased with a tub of ice-cream and a Friends marathon. At these points, as the cliché says, you find out who your real friends are. Who is able to sit in the difficult moments with you? Who can cope with hard times without trying to fix them or add a positive spin? Who doesn’t demand a brave face? If we want friendships to survive life’s ups and downs, we have to ensure we know how to be there for each other in the worst moments. So how do we be that person for someone?

It’s not easy. Supporting someone in crisis requires a commitment to listening, being open and facing demons of your own. ‘As we change in life,’ says psychotherapist Julia Samuel, author of This Too Shall Pass: Stories of Change, Crisis and Hopeful Beginnings, ‘so our relationships will change, with our partner, family and friends. That means we need to find ways of communicating our love, what we need, as well as having difficult but important conversations.’ Often, when someone goes through something challenging, our first instinct is to relate it back to ourselves – ‘I remember when this thing happened to me…’ This is fear and anxiety rearing their head, and can put up barriers between the person suffering and the friend who wants to help but fears being in the same position. We have to be brave enough to walk towards the thing we are afraid of – even if it terrifies us. ‘People kind of looked at me like I was a ghost,’ said Facebook chief operating officer Sheryl Sandberg after the loss of her husband. ‘I think they were so afraid of saying the wrong thing that they hardly said anything at all.’

IMAGES: PEXELSIVAN SMAKOV/COTTONBRO/ANNA ROGUSZCZAK

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That instinct to ignore, to try not to offend, while very human, is one we must disregard, especially when it comes to close friends. We cannot ignore whatever is going on – even if we don’t understand it or don’t want to talk about it – because they can’t ignore it. Uncomfortable or not, it’s happening. So it’s not okay to say ‘Sorry’, then never mention it again. It’s not okay to be ‘too busy’ to check in or to look the other way and assume they’ll ask for help if they need it. ‘What they’re going through is not contagious — but what you’re doing is alienating, insensitive, rude and really hurtful,’ says Amy Hoggart, a writer for Time who lost her father after a three-anda-half-year battle with cancer. Keep talking. Keep trying. Try not to worry too much about saying the right thing. Follow yourinstincts and, if you come from a place of love, it’s likely that you will say the right thing. According to Samuel, it is important not to skirt around the issue: you can be kind without being vague. When friends lost their daughter, she visited and said: ‘I am terribly sorry to hear that your daughter, Amber, has died. I’m sorry that such

a devastating thing has happened to you.’ Directly, and without euphemisms, she addressed the tragedy that had occurred, shared the sorrow of the grieving parents and didn’t shy away from the enormity of what had happened. She used names and specifics to acknowledge the exact pain of the moment. This kind of empathy is what enduring friendships are built on. It’s okay to be shocked and saddened for someone. It’s okay to not understand their own experience. The important thing is to find a way to meet their needs without putting yours in there too. When a friend was diagnosed with cancer, I sent her a message telling her that I couldn’t imagine how she was getting through the day. Looking back, I see that was the wrong thing to say. Characterising her experience as a catastrophe and putting myself in the frame only made it worse, requiring her to be strong for me. Later, when I spent time with her, I sensed that what she really craved was normality. Now I send her funny podcast suggestions, or chat with her about the latest episode of Queer

Eye. I still ask how her chemotherapy is going and offer to help with her young son, but now her needs are front and centre, where they should be. This practice of active, mindful listening has never been more important. As Hoggart explains, first reach out, then wait and judge the reaction. ‘Be sensitive to this and change the subject if you sense that’s easier for them,’ she advises. ‘Then you can rest assured that they know you care, and that you’re there if they do want to talk.’ If someone does want to talk, listen without putting yourself in the conversation and be so present that you can hear what’s being said even when there are no words. Avoid ‘I’ sentences – ‘I remember when I had a scan…’ or ‘I just can’t imagine…’ Try to ask questions instead: ‘How is that for you?’ ‘What are your thoughts on…?’ Remember, you can’t solve their problems. It’s natural to want to make everything better, but well-meaning suggestions of how to fix issues only undermine the enormity of them for someone else. ‘When I was going through IVF, I had friends tell me that

they’d read about certain supplements or foods that help,’ says journalist Olivia Cox. ‘Or they glibly told me to stay positive and just keep trying. I know it came from a good place, but it felt like they were somehow blaming me – maybe I wasn’t eating right or researching enough or trying hard enough. Ultimately it just made me feel more dismissed and alone.’ Good friendship requires empathy, patience, compassion and a willingness to sit in the difficult moments of life. The good news is that these are the moments when you forge the strongest bonds. And there are no gestures too big. When I experienced a miscarriage many years ago, a friend who didn’t have children sent me flowers with a touching note that said simply, ‘I’m so sorry you’re going through this.’ Her ability to be compassionate, to open her mind to my experience and to send something so thoughtful, with words of empathy, made a huge difference. When reaching out, it’s important to put the other person first. Asking how you can help can be a kind gesture, but it can add pressure on the person suffering. “Tell me how I can help you” may just feel like another ask.

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IMAGES: PEXELS/IVAN SAMKOV/ANN NEKR/MODODEOLHAR

‘Friendship requires real empathy. It needs patience and compassion, along with the willingness to sit in the difficult moments of life’

Sandberg suggests that taking any ask away from those in pain can be helpful. ‘My wonderful friend tragically lost a son and spent many months in a hospital before that,’ she explained to NPR. ‘One of his friends texted him and said, “What do you not want on a burger?” – not, “Do you want dinner?” Another friend texted and said, “I’m in the lobby of your hospital for an hour for a hug whether you come down or not. Just show up.”’ Being available is important. Hoggart explains how she and a friend changed their contacts settings so, even when their phones were on silent, the other’s call would still get through. Other people have set up SOS systems, so the person struggling can simply text “SOS” and know that someone will show up, no questions asked. Make sure you’re in it for the long run and try not to ‘front load’ your support for the early days. Keep checking in; keep being there. In ‘the dark days’ following her husband’s death, said Sandberg, ‘The girls checked in daily. They took turns coming to California. By showing up again and again, they proved to me that I was not alone.’

When a friend lost her husband, I – like many others – made sure to check in most days. It was appreciated and it helped, while she dealt with everything that comes immediately after death. But much later is when it makes the most difference. Birthdays, Father’s Day, wedding anniversaries, the yearly anniversary of his death – on these days I acknowledge the day, tell her I love her and suggest things I can do to help her. Pain and suffering can drive wedges between friends, especially if you cannot bring your own life experiences to that moment. It can feel impossible to empathise or understand, and we worry that what we say makes it worse, or that we are simply illequipped for the enormous grief or hardship that a loved one is experiencing. But true friendship is cemented in the refusal to walk away, in the acceptance of being whatever is needed in that moment – whether it’s practical help, emotional support, your time, or even your space. If you can listen, if you can take yourself out of the dialogue, if you can love them through their pain, these bonds will stand the test of time.

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‘Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it’ IMAGES: PEXELS/OSCAR HELGSTRAND

Rumi

INTERVIEW

The kids are alr ight Annabel Harrison spea k s t o p ar e n tin g e x p e r t an d co fo un d e r o f Th e Bum p Cla ss Ma r i na Fog le a b o ut o n e o f th e lo n g e s t r e l atio n s h ip s o f our li ve s – t h e o n e with o ur ch ild r e n

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arenting is all about communication, and the conversations are often difficult,’ says Marina Fogle when we meet to discuss her hit podcast The Parent Hood, which she runs with her sister Dr Chiara Hunt. ‘Half the time, being responsible for a young person can feel intuitive, but the rest is a minefield of worrying about their health and happiness.’ Nail meet head. Because what parent in today’s world isn’t navigating that minefield? We are busier than ever and our children are growing up under more pressure than any generation in history, in a world that is entirely different to the one we had when we were their age. ‘Our podcast is a series of conversations about all things parenting,’ explains Fogle. ‘We talk about everything from conception to difficulties with teenagers, and the key is that we get professionals to give their perspective.’ One hundred and sixty or so episodes in and it’s clear their advice is resonating. ‘I get a lot of feedback from people saying, “This has been the voice of my journey as a parent,”’ she says. Recent topics have included teaching children about anxiety, diversity

and communication, featuring a wide range of clinical psychologists, authors, teachers and activists providing an expert opinion. Fogle and Hunt both have their own children so are, reassuringly, on the same path as many of their listeners. Fogle is mother to Ludo, 10, Iona, 9, and Willem, who was stillborn in 2014 after Fogle suffered an acute placental abruption. She and husband Ben have spoken publicly about this private tragedy to help others tackle the biggest loss a family can face, and the most difficult of conversations that follow. Fogle strongly believes that, when it comes to conversations of every type, fostering healthy relationships within the family starts with honest and open communication, right from babyhood. ‘If you can communicate well with your children and try to understand them as individuals, you’re more likely to meet their needs. You’re also teaching them to communicate with other people. I think this is the key to a happy and fulfilled life.’ An important part of our role as parents is accepting that our children are individuals. All of us are will have

IMAGE: SUSHEEL SCHROEDER

been on the receiving end of unsolicited comments along the lines of, ‘She’s already taller than her sister,’ or, ‘He’s always been the sporty one.' Fogle advises: ‘So often, just sitting down and thinking, “What’s right for me?” is the best thing we can do.’ Comparing our children to others – which, thanks to social media, is easy to do and hard to escape – is rarely helpful. Technology, as has been said so many times, is a double-edged sword. During the pandemic, it provided a lifeline to our former lives, preventing the world from grinding to a halt as it might have done a few years earlier. And in non-pandemic times, I’d be amazed if you can find a parent who hasn’t panicordered something online during the night or sent a WhatsApp SOS about a common childhood ailment. However, as Fogle points out, technology also has significant downsides. Being present with our children and ‘actually listening to them’ is crucial, but ‘one of the greatest difficulties we have in this generation is the biggest distraction that was ever invented – the mobile phone – is at our side the whole time’. Fogle knows firsthand that parenting can be difficult

and exhausting but urges us to resist the temptation to engage with our phone instead of our child. ‘How rude would it be if we cooked dinner for a partner or friend and they just sat there on their phone? Try to carve out good quality time with no distractions.’ She gives the example of an afternoon when she was looking after her sister’s children as well as her own. The ‘easy option’ would have been to catch up on emails while they all played in the garden. Instead she went outside too, phone-free, and made up a game to play with them. ‘It was such a rewarding way to spend an hour – I’m really glad I did it.’ This face-to-face interaction is vital. Fogle is concerned that relationships that exist only or chiefly online can affect children’s ability to interpret facial expressions and nuances of voice. ‘I hear of teenagers sitting in the same room WhatsApping each other. It’s so much easier, I find, having a difficult conversation in person because you’re aware of how they’re interpreting it – through facial expressions, breathing etc. We’re living in a hypersensitive society – it’s so easy to offend people and feel judged. It’s also much

IMAGES: SUSHEEL SCHROEDER, DIANA PAVLOVA

“If you can communicate well with your children and try to understand them as individuals, you’re more likely to meet their needs”

INTERVIEW

MARINA’S PARENTING TIPS Children don’t need a smartphone as their first phone; they can have a degree of independence, yet remain contactable, with a basic phone. Set an example when it comes to tech usage. Don’t allow tech in bedrooms, and set no-screen time. When your child is sad, frustrated, angry or jealous, teach them to accept these feelings; we can’t be happy all the time. Try not to compare your child to others – they are individuals and need to be treated as such.

easier to be unkind when not face-to-face. Teaching our children digital manners is really important.’ We can also use the internet to initiate conversations. ‘They’re going to see things online that are upsetting and inappropriate. We need to teach them to deal with that situation when it happens because it will happen. The same goes in life. They will be subject of inappropriate behaviour or witness to it. It’s not about saying, “How can we prevent this happening?” It’s about saying, “How will we deal with it, and when should we call it out”?’ And our reliance on tech during the pandemic wasn’t all bad. ‘Mine got into touch-typing. They are

also more tech-literate. When the computer freezes, they know all the things to try to get it to work again.’ I’m heartened to hear that using a screen as a ‘digital babysitter’ is not the end of the world, as long we take time in the day to engage with them too. ‘There’s a difference between letting your child play Fortnite 16 hours a day and letting them watch TV while you take a work call,’ says Fogle. Agreed – if you can prepare a child’s meal when they’re declaring how hungry they are without resorting to CBeebies I applaud you. ‘[During] the pandemic,' Fogle notes, ‘many families have eaten more meals together. This is potentially a real benefit because children have to be taught the art of conversation.’ Another pandemic-related reality has impacted family dynamics: ‘Chiara sees dads bringing children into the practice for checkups and vaccines way more than they used to. That’s one of the benefits of having fathers at home: they are much more engaged in their children’s day-to-day lives.’ Over the years, Fogle’s guests have taught her about appreciating every stage of your relationship with your child as much as possible. One of these stays with me long after we end our call. Deborah James – @bowelbabe – gave up her career after being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer to focus on treatment and spending time with her children. ‘There’s such joy in her parenting,’ Fogle says. ‘It is difficult for every moment to be joyful but, when you can, insert a little bit of joy into every day. Have fun with your children. You will look back with nostalgia.’

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Losing touch How t he pa ndem i c a ffecte d o ur mo s t in timate r e l atio n s h ip s . By Elle Blakeman

t’s hard to believe that there was a baby boom predicted at the start of the pandemic. Everyone stuck at home, commutes taken away, schedules freed up, there’s only so much Netflix one can handle… And yet, 12 months on, research shows that the boom has actually become a bust, with the US and parts of Europe facing the biggest slump in births in a century. So why the turnaround? Firstly, it has to be said that global uncertainty does not make for fertile ground when it comes to expanding one’s family. Who has a child when they’re not sure they’ll still have a job in a month? But secondly, and more basically, are we simply having less sex? The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University in the US found that 40 per cent of people surveyed, regardless of gender or age, reported a decline in their sex life during the pandemic. ‘People react very differently [in terms of ] how

this pandemic affects their sexuality and their relationship,’ Marieke Dewitte, a psychologist and sexologist at Maastricht University, told the BBC. ‘For some people stress increases sexual desire and for other people it kills sexual desire.’ Speaking with The Independent, psychotherapist Hilda Burke noted a ‘polarising’ effect on her clients who are in relationships, with couples either having sex a lot more due to their commuting time being freed up, or having less interest in intimacy due to ‘not being stimulated in other areas of their lives’. ‘There isn’t that coming together at the end of the day, or there isn’t that absence creating a fondness,’ she said. ‘For some couples, their sex life is healthiest on holiday, when they’re in a different location and they’re away from domestic humdrum.’ If absence makes the heart grow fonder, lockdown is the death knell for our libidos. ‘He’s just there All The Time,’ says my friend Jess when we catch up for

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RELATIONSHIPS

a coffee. The handsome, funny man she married is now living in stained sweatpants, sleeping till noon and eating directly out of the fridge. Hardly the stuff of romantic novels. ‘Literally the last thing I want to do at the end of the day,’ she says, ‘is jump into bed with him.’ As psychologist Esther Perel puts it in her appropriately titled book Mating in Capivity, ‘It is too easily assumed that problems with sex are the result of a lack of closeness. But perhaps the way we construct closeness reduces the sense of freedom and autonomy needed for sexual pleasure. When intimacy collapses into fusion, it is not a lack of closeness but too much closeness that impedes desire.’ At the time she was referring to the construct of marriage, and yet it’s hard to think of a time when a sense of freedom and autonomy has been more impeded than the 12 months in which even lingering in a supermarket was considered an arrestable offence. No new stories, no date night, no lazing-bythe-pool summer holidays to forget the daily grind – no wonder we’ve come to a sexual standstill. And that’s before you take into account the sheer stress of the year. Financial, health and family worries piled high as we faced the biggest global catastrophe in a century. When rates of depression, anxiety and stress rose, it’s understandable that physical intimacy took a back seat. ‘For us, it’s simply about getting through the day – the kids, the housework, the working from home – there’s no energy for anything else,’ says Jess. ‘It’s just survival mode.’ This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Relate counsellor Peter Saddington told The Independent: ‘The key thing about being celibate is how the person feels about their situation. Celibacy in itself is not a bad

thing, if you’re okay with it and it’s something that you’re comfortable with. It’s about not feeling guilty or not feeling like you’ve got to be sexual because that’s what’s expected of you.’ So where does that leave us, now that our ‘survival mode’ is gradually coming to an end? In Mating in Capivity, Esther Perel invites us to explore the paradoxical union of domesticity and sexual desire. ‘There’s a powerful tendency in long-term relationships to favour the predictable over the unpredictable,’ she writes, noting how much easier things are at the start of a relationship when boundaries are clear and partners maintain an air of mystery. ‘Yet without an element of uncertainty there is no longing, no anticipation, no frisson.’ Frisson! That is precisely what we’ve been missing in these long lockdown months. Where is the frisson in someone who is legally required to be there night and day? Who has almost nothing new to say to you? How do we recreate it when living on top of each other, taking on housework, working from home and home-schooling together? Firstly, it’s helpful to note that sexual peaks and troughs are very normal, especially in the wake of such a trying year. ‘That dip can happen for a number of reasons, including the natural progression of your relationship over time,’ says Chris Kraft, Ph.D, a psychologist at the Sex and Gender Clinic in the department of psychiatry at the John Hopkins School of Medicine. ‘But you shouldn’t give up,’ he points out. ‘Intimacy is key to having a healthy, functional and overall happy relationship.’ To start, Kraft recommends removing any roadblocks to intimacy, sharing chores evenly and making an effort to understand what the other

person is going through. ‘You really need to talk about it,’ he urges, ‘because the resentment that builds up around feelings of inequality is one of the biggest killers of intimacy and sexuality.’ For women, Kraft notes that it’s important to identify your needs. ‘In general, women’s desire starts with some type of connection to their own sexuality or their partner. Most women often need to be relaxed, not worried about their to-do list, and feeling a connection to their partner in order to set the stage for sexual intimacy.’ If you find it impossible to relax when the house is a mess, can you instigate a 6pm tidy-up each evening? Or do you need half an hour to yourself and a hot bath to signal the end of a long day? Taking charge of what makes you feel good is enormously empowering and will put you in a much better mindset for being close with your partner. Another causality of the lockdown has been how we feel about our appearance. During the pandemic, 61 per cent of Americans and 63 per cent of Brits reported that they gained weight, while McKinsey reported 55 and 75 per cent year-on-year declines for prestige brands in cosmetic and fragrance purchasing, respectively. A survey of 8,000 people in the United Kingdom, published last October, found that 58 per cent of respondents reported feeling worse about their physical appearance during lockdown. With little reason to dress up – who cares when our only plans are with the sofa? – many of us have found ourselves spending less time on our appearance than usual. While this in and of itself is no bad thing, taking time to pick out an outfit or style our hair can serve to reinforce our identity and our value to ourselves. As L’Oréal so cleverly remind us in their ad

campaigns, it is ‘because you’re worth it’. If we no longer feel ‘worth it’, this naturally could have a negative effect on our intimate relationships. ‘There’s no doubt that feeling sexy can boost your libido,’ says Kraft. ‘So it’s important that you spend time doing the things that make you feel sensual, whether that’s wearing provocative outfits or lingerie, reading romance novels, or getting bendy at yoga class. The point is to focus on your needs.’ If you’ve been wearing the same clothes for a week, perhaps spending time choosing something you feel good in – or even just adding a quick spritz of perfume in the morning – will help you feel more attractive. One really important step Kraft recommends is simply making time for each other. While it’s easy to put intimacy on the back burner when there is so much else being demanded from you, often the only way to maintain intimacy is by making it a real priority. ‘Couples who schedule time to connect with each other have healthier, happier relationships,’ says Kraft. ‘It doesn’t have to result in sex every time. It’s more about making time to have fun together.’ So book a date night, or send the kids to bed and plan a nice meal together. Pick out a film. If you both fall asleep at 8pm, plan an afternoon date on a Sunday. Ultimately, human touch is essential for both our physical and psychological wellbeing. It has been shown to lower our stress levels, alter the release of serotonin (a neurotransmitter that affects mood) and trigger a release of the hormone oxytocin, which helps us bond with others. So even if sex is off the agenda for now, look for other ways to experience touch – whether that’s long hugs, back rubs or simply holding hands.

IMAGES: PEXELS/COTTONBRO

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‘My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return’ Maya Angelou

Great minds Is it p o s s ible to d is ag r e e an d s til l b e f ri en ds ?

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

think unalike Yes – a nd y o u must! s a ys Elle Blakeman

n 2016, a cousin of mine voted for Brexit. This kind, educated, mother-of-two did what at the time felt like nothing less than an act of war to me. ‘I would never speak to her again,’ said a friend. ‘She’s racist and stupid!’ spat another. Isn’t it interesting that the immediate reaction was to cut her off or write her off as misunderstood – or worse, downright malevolent? There seems to be an inherent belief that anyone who disagrees is not only wrong but stupid (‘They just don’t understand’) or evil (‘racist!’). Why was the reaction not, ‘I wonder why?’ Thinking about it, I decided that I could learn a lot more from speaking to her about it than my other friends who voted the same way I did. When I asked, she said she was worried about the European Union’s endless bureaucracy. She came from a small town with limited job opportunities and was concerned about unrestricted borders. Her father served in the army and she was raised with a strong belief in sovereignty and democracy, both of which she felt were weakened by being part of the EU. In short, she believed it was the right thing for our country. She had read the same information I had but come at it from a different angle. I still disagreed, but I was interested to hear her take. And, of course, who knows who was right in the end? We live in a world of conflict, each year seemingly becoming more and more divisive than the last: Leave vs Remain, Trump vs Biden, left vs right, right vs wrong. We assume there is a right answer and that it is ours. No one wants to hear the other side and no one knows how to argue anymore. ‘The key word is “argue”,’ wrote Libby Purves in The Times. ‘It does not include “cancelling”, “noplatforming”, showering personal insults on opponents or imputing to them imaginary, wicked motives. It means sharing evidence, ideas and philosophies, listening, possibly changing your mind a bit.’ The issue is that we tend to think disagreements are inherently bad. This is an innate response, dating back to the days when our survival depended on the approval of our tribe. Anyone in a heated debate might find their pulse is racing and body trembling.

“Disagreement is a way of thinking, perhaps the best one we have, critical to the health of any shared enterprise, from marriage to business to democracy” – Ian Leslie

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

This is because we can easily feel threatened by a disagreement, releasing a flood of stress hormones preparing us for fight or flight. ‘We might fantasise about universal harmony, about reason prevailing spontaneously and about everyone being sweetly tolerant,’ says a School of Life article. ‘But vicious disagreement is not going to go away by itself. Rather than despair, we must accept that disagreement will be constant and ubiquitous.’ ‘Disagreement is a way of thinking, perhaps the best one we have, critical to the health of any shared enterprise, from marriage to business to democracy,’ says Ian Leslie, author of Conflicted. ‘We can use it to turn vague notions into actionable ideas, blind spots into insights, distrust into empathy. Instead of putting our differences aside, we need to put them to work.’ The problem we have now, more than ever, seems

to be identity politics. It’s not just what we think, but who we are. When Elisa Sobo, professor of anthropology at San Diego State University, interviewed parents who refuse vaccines for their children, she discovered that in many cases it was more than a belief about science and immunity. It was an ‘act of identification’. Like ‘getting a gang tattoo, slipping on a wedding ring, or binge-watching a popular streamed TV show,’ she noted, the refusal is ‘more about who one is and with whom one identifies than who one isn’t or whom one opposes’. And if it’s about identity, rather than belief, it’s understandable that both sides are so entrenched. A disagreement becomes not simply a challenge to your ideas, but a direct criticism of you. ‘If humans were purely rational entities, we would listen politely to an opposing view before offering a considered response,’ says Ian Leslie. ‘In reality, disagreement floods our brain with chemical signals that make it hard to focus on the issue at hand. The signals tell us that this is an attack on me. “I disagree with you” becomes “I don’t like you”. Instead of opening our minds to the other’s point of view, we focus on defending ourselves.’ Nowhere has this been more exacerbated than on social media. There, disagreements are not only par for the course, but actively encouraged and rewarded. ‘Technology has made disagreement more vivid,’ says The School of Life. ‘We are very readily brought into contact with other people’s abrasive attitudes – which, until recently, we could never have encountered.’ Angry tweets and posts get likes, shares and engagement – from both sides – which is precisely what the tech companies want. ‘Nuance, reflection and mutual understanding are not just casualties of the crossfire, but necessary victims,’ says Leslie. There is a feeling that we need to double down to get anywhere on social media. It’s hard to be nuanced in 140 characters or an Instagram bio – and where’s the fun in being on the fence anyway? So we are encouraged to be firmly for or against something and to seek out both those who agree and, more importantly, those who don’t.

While some worry about the internet creating echo chambers, Leslie believes that the opposite is true. ‘You are almost bound to encounter opinions that upset you on Twitter; much more so than if your only information source is a daily newspaper. Instead of creating bubbles, the internet is bursting them, generating hostility, fear and anger.’ ‘Whatever we do, the internet isn’t going to be uninvented,’ wrote Iain Martin in The Times. ‘We’re not going back to the old world, so it is worth thinking about how we can live more productively and at peace in the new one.’ He observes that, once, all communication went through an editing process ‘that took time and, usually, cooled heads… There was always an editor to say no or press pause, with a lawyer watching… The flow of information in return was filtered. A reader could write an angry letter to a magazine but by the time she had looked for a stamp the furious feeling might have passed.’ Compare that to today’s clickbait, below-the-line comments, ‘hit send’ world, which allows no time to pause and think. Where once you might have slept on it and seen how you felt in the morning, now you can instantly throw a verbal grenade into the mix, to cheers from those already on your side. However, Leslie does not believe we should all stop disagreeing with each other. It’s how we disagree. ‘It would be a profound mistake to conclude from all this that we are arguing too much,’ he says. ‘The hollow outrage we see online is actually evidence of the absence of real, reflective disagreements: fight as a smokescreen for flight.’ There is, he believes, an argument for better arguments. Perhaps what we really need to change is our attitude to disagreements themselves. If we can consider them a positive – an opportunity to educate us further, push us into a more well-rounded opinion or even change our mind – perhaps we would feel less triggered by someone who thinks differently. As Kintsugi founder Al Reem Al Tenaiji points out in this issue, ‘Nothing grows in the comfort zone.’

“We need to learn how to disagree well, how to navigate through a life in which we will inevitably conflict with many people over expectations, demands” – The School of Life This is a concept that many experts support. In his bestselling book Rebel Ideas, Matthew Syed argues that success is no longer about talent, knowledge or skill but about ‘cognitive diversity’. ‘When it comes to complex decisions, strategic decisions, coming up with new ideas, making forecasts and predictions, it’s crucial, first of all, to have a team, because no one perspective is enough, no one brain is enough,’ Syed told CMI magazine. ‘But when you can optimise the cognitive diversity – that is to say, the different insights, perspectives and information – then you get a stronger result. The evidence on this is overwhelming.’ So we need to be looking at – and speaking to – people who disagree with us. What we don’t need, however, is to be screamed at, cancelled, no-platformed or subjected to whatever other retribution awaits those who dare to hold a different opinion. The squashing of debate does no one any favours. ‘We need to learn how to disagree well, how to navigate through a life in which we will inevitably conflict with many people over expectations, demands, hopes, convictions, priorities and attitudes,’ says the School of Life. To this end, I leave you with the line that the brilliant comedian Amy Poehler uses whenever she meets someone with a firmly opposite opinon: ‘Good for her! Not for me.’

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

TIPS FOR SUCCESSFUL DISAGREEMENTS

IS IT WORTH IT? Before you start, decide if this is a discussion you really want to get into or merely a triggered ego response. There is a big difference between talking politics with a close friend and typing angrily to a stranger on Twitter. Also, in the heat of the moment, things can feel much more important than they actually are. Remember that the world is subjective and it’s okay not to agree on everything with everyone you meet.

SEPARATE THE IDEA FROM THE PERSON It can be easy to feel attacked when someone disagrees with you, but remember that it is the concept that you have an issue with, not the person saying it.

IMAGES: PEXELS/ EKATERINA-BOLOVTSOVA. UNSPLASH/PRISCILLA DU PREEZ

LISTEN CAREFULLY As every primary school teacher says, ‘Two ears, one mouth.’ It is impossible to have a successful argument without really listening to the other side. While the other person is speaking, focus on what they are saying, not what you plan to say in response. Then pause to let their thoughts sink in before replying. This allows them to feel seen and heard. And that takes the heat out of the disagreement, even if you still differ. It also means they are more likely to do the same for you.

USE ‘I’ NOT ‘YOU’ ‘You’ statements can be very inflammatory and rapidly escalate an argument. ‘You always say that’ or ‘You don’t understand…’ feel judgemental and unfair. Try phrasing things from your own perspective: ‘I think that it’s a good idea…’, ‘I believe we should…’ ‘I don’t agree with that because…’

KEEP THINGS CIVIL My mother always used to say that as soon as you raise your voice, you’ve lost the argument. The same goes for sarcasm, snide put-downs or unkind personal remarks. Putting down someone else’s ideas makes them more likely to dig in their heels and miss your points completely. Try to stay calm and curious, even when pushed.

LET GO OF BEING RIGHT Probably the most important thing to remember is that no one is right all the time. Instead of arguing to ‘win’, think of it as a way to learn more and to stretch your thought process.

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STORY OF

WISDOM

The Tree of Perspec tive

Hachikõ - the faithful dog

The last son disagreed with all of them; There was a man who had four sons. He he said it was ripe and drooping with wanted his sons to learn to not judge fruit, full of life and fulfillment. things too quickly. So he sent them each on aFamous quest, in turn, to go and at a in Japan, thelook Hachikõ story is a tale of true connection The man then explained to his sons that pear tree that was a great distance away. and love that has continued to they meltwere theallhearts of people all right, because they had each seena but one season in the tree’s overwinter, the world for almost century The first son went in the the life. second in the spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in the fall. When they had all come back, he called them together to describe what they had seen. The first son said that the tree was ugly, It begins with a professor at Tokyo University: bent, and twisted.

Eizaburo Ueno, who adopted an Akita puppy named Hachikõ from a farm in 1923. The two The second saidthe no – it covered quicklyson became best of was friends, with Ueno with green buds andasfull treating the dog kindlyofaspromise. you would a child. The two fell into a daily routine: Ueno and Hachikõ would walk together to the The third son disagreed, he said it Shibuya was train station, where Ueno would pet Hachikõ laden with blossoms that smelled so goodbye before getting on the train to work. sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the Hachikõ – or Hatchi, as Ueno nicknamed most graceful thing he had ever seen. him – would spend the day waiting for Ueno to come back, in order to greet him at the station. In the meantime, local shopkeepers and station workers would keep an eye on the

He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season, and that the essence of who they are – and the pleasure, joy, and love that come from that life – can only be measured at the end, when all the seasons are up.

dog, giving him treats and petting him, while he held his vigil for Ueno. If you give up when it’s winter, you will This routine continued for two wonderful miss the on promise of your years until, 21 May 1925, Ueno spring, never camethe beauty of your summer, fulfilment of home. Tragically, he had suffered a brain your fall. at work and died. Of course, haemorrhage Hachi was not to know this. And so the loyal dog continued owner’s return. season. Don’t judgetoawait lifefor byhisone difficult Hachikõ in withofa former gardenerdestroy Don’t letmoved the pain one season for the Ueno family. But throughout the the joy of all the rest. rest of his ten-year life, he kept going to the Shibuya train station every morning and afternoon, precisely when the train was due to enter the station. He sat there for hours,

IMAGE: SHUTTERSTOCK

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patiently waiting in vain for the return of his beloved owner, who sadly never came back. In 1932, a major Japanese newspaper published his remarkable story. It turned Hachikõ into a celebrity all over Japan and earned him the nickname ‘Chuken – Hachikõ’, which means ‘Hachikõ – the faithful dog’. The story of the loyal dog that never gave up hope soon gained a lot of attention, inspiring people from all over the world to visit Hachikõ at Shibuya train station to offer him treats. He touched the hearts of the Japanese people and soon became their hero. In 1934, a statue of Hachikõ was unveiled

at a grand ceremony in front of the station, with the dog himself present as the guest of honour. After he died, Hachikõ’s body was taken to the station’s baggage room, a place where he had spent much time. He was photographed with Ueno’s wife Yaeko, as well as staff members at the station. Although Hachikõ’s life ended decades ago, his story of enduring faith and love continues to live on. Today there are several books, films and monuments, all inspired by the beautiful, unshakeable bond between a man and his dog.

‘There’s nothing more intimate in life than simply being understood. And understanding someone else’ Brad Meltzer

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Unbroken

Patience is a virtue In a fa st-paced world, patience can be an underrated skill. But it is an essential one to learn if we are to find peace, says Najla Al Tenajii

IMAGE: PEXELS/KAROLINA GRABOWSKA

aint Augustine said, ‘Patience is the companion of wisdom.’ He clearly didn’t live in the era of one-click ordering and next-day delivery. We know, deep down, that all good things take time, yet we live in a fast-moving society where consumerism is driving everything to become instant. We need everything now, and with one click of a button. Waiting is challenging and time can feel excruciating when we are forced to wait for something we really want. But patience is not something we learn quickly. It is a hard-earned skill that comes with age and lots of focus and practice. The ability to wait requires self-discipline and a strong capacity for endurance. Life taught me this invaluable skill the hard way. Patience was the consolation prize for suffering – a useful coping skill developed in the worst way. Because while it was natural to find myself frustrated when day after day was spent in bed, feeling little hope for recovery or the chance to get back to everyday life, my journey taught me that frustration is not the key to any door worth going through. I learned then that patience is a lifelong practice. Many years in rehabilitation – patiently waiting for recovery, hours spent staring at a single view from the window – taught me that patience is really about faith. It is about waiting for my turn, knowing that turn will come one day. Many times, in our lives, our problems can seem overwhelming. However, those who have mastered the art of true patience are able to bear their trials calmly. Patience is an inward game that leads to greater wisdom. When we are impatient, we are easily disappointed. We become distressed, angry and pessimistic with ourselves for our slow pace of growth and change. We blame ourselves and others and act in ways unhelpful to our lives. In doing this, we risk damaging our relationships, our careers and other things that are important to us. We waste energy lamenting things not going our way rather than noticing what is. We give up too quickly. We ignore positive gains and see the cup as half-empty. And yet impatience is so often encouraged in our world – even rewarded. Once we learn to transform frustration into peace, life changes in the most wonderful way. For me, patience is an underrated superpower. Now, after many years of practice, I have built a robust and friendly connection with patience. It has even become something of an inner spiritual blessing. I know that everything will come with time. In God’s time, not mine. Patience has taught me to sit back and take a deep, liberating breath in times of difficulty. Conquering frustration transforms our inner voice, making us powerful, calm and optimistic about handling day-to-day stresses. This practice has helped in my healing journey like nothing else. When I really understood and adopted patience, I stopped complaining and began to see my problems differently. Patience offered me the chance to stand back and see fact and truth rather than getting stuck in my emotions. It is a pause button when you need it most. Ultimately, it gives you time to reflect on what is happening, and to respond as your best, most wise self.

Najla Al Tenajii suffered a life-changing injury in 1999 and has since been using her recovery to inspire others through their own journey

Rest and repair By Claire Brayford As our b a t hr oom she lve s gr o an un d e r th e we ig h t o f p r o d ucts p r o mis in g eve r yt hi ng fr om a new fa ce to a n e w yo u, wh at be tte r time to d is co ve r t he br a nds wh o d o mo r e by us in g le s s ? 72

BEAUTY NEWS

THE MIRACLE OIL

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THE SOOTHING STICK

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THE TWO-STEP REGIME

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IMAGE: UNSPLASH/AIONY HAUST

THE HEALING CONCEALER

Hyaluronic Hydra-Concealer, £35, By Terry Part makeup, part skincare, By Terry’s cult hyaluronic concealer makes caring for our delicate under-eyes a breeze. Formulated by Terry de Gunzburg (the makeup pioneer behind YSL’s Touche Éclat), the hydrating, crease-free formula contains horse chestnut seed extract to soothe, de-puff and stimulate micro-circulation, instantly brightening the area. It blurs imperfections and plumps out fine lines. The autoadaptable shades conceal dark circles seamlessly and last all day too.

THE AT-HOME CRYOTHERAPY

Ice globes, £95, Fraîcheur The hottest beauty tool is ice-cold. Fraîcheur’s new ice globes are a rejuvenating therapy to enjoy at home. Keep them in the freezer, then roll over your face to prompt blood vessels to contract, reduce inflammation, dark circles and swelling, improve circulation, shrink pores and calm your skin – all without a chemical in sight.

THE NATURAL SCENT

Natural Deodorant, £26, Corpus With luxurious scents and sleek packaging (made using renewable energy), Corpus are redefining what a natural deodorant can be. Omitting aluminum, talc, parabens and phthalates, the plant and mineralbased formula blends essential oils to form fresh, unisex fragrances. From The Botanist, reminiscent of a walk through a cool, damp forest, to Cedar Flora, with notes of cedar, white musk and jasmine, they’re scents that you will love to have lingering all day.

BEAUTY NEWS

THE HAND SAVOUR

THE NATURAL NAILS Nomad kit, £69, Manucurist

The first to bring clean beauty to your fingertips is French-based Manucurist’s at-home gel kits. The only LED-cured vegan gel formula is made up of 84 per cent natural ingredients, making it a toxic-free alternative that is kind to the environment and to your nails. Available in 30 wearable shades, the finish is polished and durable with no telltale thick plastic effect.

Hand cream, £18, Grown Alchemist After a year of intense handwashing, this chiclypackaged, non-greasy hand cream has quickly become a personal favourite. Formulated with antibacterial and soothing ingredients – including tea tree extract, cedarwood and ylangylang – it deeply hydrates hands and cuticles, while leaving them softly scented. A handbag essential for our time.

THE CLEAN HAIRCARE

Pitta Shampoo, £18, Pitta Conditioner, £20, Champo Taking an entirely minimalist approach to beautiful hair is Champo (pronounced shar-pour). The brand is founded on ancient Indian holistic Ayurvedic principles, including soothing and massaging the head and hair. Modern trichology and active botanicals – extracted using steam-distilling, coldpressing and water extraction to ensure they are at their most natural – really transform the hair. Simply identify your hair’s dosha (its Ayurvedic character trait) and enjoy the result.

THE FLAWLESS

FOUNDATION

Super Serum Skin Tint, £46, Ilia Keen proponents of natural, ethical cosmetics and sustainable packaging, Ilia has many multitasking products to clean up your makeup bag. One of our favourites is the versatile, weightless cream pigment that brings either a wash of colour or an intense pop to cheeks, lids and lips. And the brand has extended its bestselling Super Serum Skin Tint and concealer to 30 shades, fusing clean makeup, active skincare and sun protection.

THE MAGIC CREAM

Zi Cao Shui Gao Nourishing Cream, £42, Dermatology M Its packaging may be understated, yet its results are anything but. Underpinned by traditional Chinese medicine and developed by world-renowned dermatologist Mazin Al-Khafaji, Dermatology M is the go-to for restoring balance and calm to a host of skin conditions. Free from irritating synthetic ingredients (95 per cent are natural), the bestselling Nourishing Cream – rich in antioxidants and anti-inflammatories – harnesses aloe vera, chamomile and safflower oil to soothe sensitive skin. 74

‘Our souls speak a language that is beyond human understanding. A connection so rare the universe won’t let us part’ Nikki Rowe

PA U S E F O R T H O U G H T

We a r e t h e s u m of our memories We t h i n k o f li fe as a l is t of our ex p er ien ces , b u t w e ar e u n r e liable n ar r at or s w h en it com es t o o u r o w n liv es , s ay s Dr Asma Naheed

emories make us who we are. They create our perspective and guide our habits and actions in ways we barely even realise. During our lives, experiences, friendships and conversations are stored in our consciousness and help us to build our identity. We use these experiences to learn about ourselves and our environment, and to further understand the world. We are, therefore, composed of past, present and future all at once. However, what we store are not facts, but rather our interpretation of facts. There is room to rewrite the script. ‘We are the architects of our memories,’ says Meik Wiking, CEO of The Happiness Research Institute in Copenhagen. ‘It is, therefore, essential to ensure that we deposit good memories in our memory bank so that, in the future, we are more likely to make withdrawals of happiness.’ In other words, we are the sum of our memories. And those memories can influence us in both negative and positive ways. As we grow, memories work as a guideline for our futureplanning. We make a note of our likes and dislikes, and begin associating memories with certain behaviours, places, people and situations (the negative association of ‘triggering’ now passing into common lexicon). Our emotions and feelings play a huge role in connecting and cataloguing our experiences, which in turn build our worldview and shape our ideology and personality. As such, we should be careful not to underestimate the value of history in human development. This is the reason why many traditional cultures dedicate so much time to teaching their children family history. As Confucius said, ‘Study the past if you would define the future.’ Or as the solemn aphorism uttered by George Santayana would have it, ‘Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.’ Sadly, although we now live in an age of information, our busy modern society rarely takes the time to look behind itself. Most of us are not paying much attention to where we came

‘Life is not what one lived, but what one remembers and how one remembers it in order to recount it’

IMAGES: PEXELS/LISA/KEHN HERMANO/KAROLINA GRABOWSKA/MADELINE BASSINDER

Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

from; those ancient ties, experiences and wisdom seem no longer relevant. We live in a time of constant change and progress, but it’s worth remembering that history and its connections really do matter. As the saying goes, he who controls the past can control the future. If we take on the wisdom of those who came before us, our perspective widens and our thoughts and memories change. A great example is the recent pandemic. While it was most definitely a challenge, many found it helpful to consider the struggles of previous eras – the world wars, the Spanish Flu epidemic – and note the many benefits we enjoyed that our predecessors did not, including phones, Zoom, television, medical intervention and even just a warm bed at night. There is great comfort to be found in the knowledge that there have been unimaginably difficult times before and that they did, eventually, end. That this too shall pass. The Dutch historian Johan Huizinga said, ‘History is the interpretation of the significance that the past has for us.’ In other words, it’s all spin. How we – or others – choose to see things, choose to remember them, is what really matters in the end. The significance of history and the role of memory are therefore very similar. Both are guides that teach us to understand the present. While experiences come and go, our memories can last a lifetime if we let them. My advice is to take out your camera or grab a pen – and make a note of the good ones.

Dr. Asma Naheed PhD is an educational psychologist and life coach who specialises in therapeutic and behaviour management

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OF A s - STORY Sam ad

WISDOM The Eternal, The Everlasting, SatisfierTof Every TThe r e Need e oo ff T he

TheP Oneewhoris eternal s pandeabovecwhomt there i vis none. e

The One who is unaffected, unchanged and without any needs. There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn to not judge things too quickly. So he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a pear tree that was a great distance away.

The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and fulfillment.

The One who is besought by all, and who is above all.

The man then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they had each seen but one season in the tree’s life.

The One who can satisfy every need and without whom no affair could be accomplished.

The first son went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in the fall. When they had all come back, he called them together to describe what they had seen.

The One who satisfies every need as it should be satisfied, and not necessarily as mankind might imagine.

The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and twisted.

If you when it’s winter, The One who is the sole recourse, thegiveonlyupone to turn to. you will

The second son said no – it was covered with green buds and full of promise.

miss the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, fulfilment of your fall.

The third son disagreed, he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen.

Don’t judge a life by one difficult season. Don’t let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest.

The One upon whom all depend, yet who does not depend on any.