Kintsugi Magazine - Summer 2022 by BSP

SUMMER - ISSUE 14

THE

IDENTITY I SS U E

Self Wellbeing Home Beauty Health

Contents 5

From the editor In the heat of summer’s fire, now is the time to connect with the real you: the person you’ve been waiting to meet

The mindful five Simple, beautiful and inspired luxuries bring colour and creativity to our daily life

The reading list From voices of marginalised women to understanding our friendships, marriages and desires, this year’s summer reading list is a journey of self-discovery…

Five apps for… Being the best version of yourself

Embracing your professional identity Finding the right mentor is an important part of our evolution

Finding your personal power Looking for your true identity? Holding back on what you truly desire? Summer is the ideal time to embrace your personal power, says Nicola Chantler 2

Repeat after me Mantras and affirmations can be powerful. But, says Luna Weeks, they work best when they connect you to who you are

Remember me How do our memories form our sense of who we are? Katie Scott considers

The evolving self As women, we have learnt to adapt to our environment, age and circumstances. Elsa Mills considers what our evolving identities say about us

#Identity #mumboss #influencer #blogger – has social media reduced our sense of self to a hashtag, asks Luciana Bellini

COVER IMAGE: UNSPLASH/KHARYTONOVA ANTONINA. IMAGES: UNSPLASH/JACKSON DAVID, CAROLINE HERNANDEZ. PEXELS/DMITRI GANIN

The journey to ourselves Luciana Bellini considers how we need to rediscover our sense of self when we become mothers

Meeting me in midlife Midlife can be the key to finding out who we are. Sarah Miller shares her experience of losing – then finding – herself again---

The trap of likeability Why do women so often fall into the ‘likeability trap’? And – asks Luciana Bellini – how can we avoid it?

Telling our stories From story circles and handeddown recipes to social media, Emma Johnson examines how we continue to find and preserve our voices

Heal thyself Make-up to enhance and evoke your inner beauty, by Claire Brayford

Emotional identity How can we manage our emotions – and should we even try – in the quest for self-identity?

Story of wisdom The light in the dark

Stronger than I seem Does disability become our defining characteristic? How does that feel and how do we change it, asks Najla al Tenaiji

Ar-rafi The elevating one

Editor-in-Chief Al Reem Al Tenaiji Managing Editor Dr Asma Naheed Editor Elle Blakeman Editorial Assistants Paris Starr Annabelle Spranklen Creative Director Vanessa Grzywacz 3

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“ on’t let others box you into their idea of what they think you should be. Trust that in living true to yourself, you will attract people that support and love you, just as you are.” JAEDA DEWALT

EDITOR'S LETTER

From the e d it or...

ILLUSTRATION: CLYM EVERNDEN. OPPOSITE PAGE, IMAGE: UNSPLASH/KHARYTONOVA ANTONINA

s spring turns into summer, we feel an expansion of ourselves. Our limbs stretch to receive the warmth of the sun. Our frenetic pace slows. We let light into those darker corners of ourselves, which have been wrapped up against the winter chill. Summer is the time to harvest the intentions we sow earlier in the year, writes Nicola Chantler in her feature on reclaiming our power and discovering our true selves. As we edge into the transformational season, she says, a further invitation awaits: if we could shed an old layer of ourselves, who would we like to emerge? We write often about goals, intentions, finding our purpose and speaking our truth. We’ve always regarded these things as the keys that unlock who we are. But perhaps it works in reverse too. Once we truly know who we are, we can set intentions, explore our purpose and understand the depth of our personal truth. Life is a constant process of shifting and changing identities – as we will see in Elsa Mills’ feature on the evolving self. And whether those shifts come naturally from milestones such as motherhood, menopause and ageing, or from more aesthetic changes – such as we’ve seen recently in the stories of Anna Delvey and Elizabeth Holmes – the key to finding out who we are continues to be a mysterious force. For Katie Scott, memories bind us to our true selves, while Luciana Bellini says motherhood offers the most paradigm-shifting moment of true awareness. And there are warnings, too: the circling world of social media threatens to put us all into hashtag identity boxes from which there is no escape, while the traps of likeability and reaching midlife at a hurtling pace can derail us from the path we set out on. But there are ways to stay the course, to bring you back to yourself. Luna Weeks looks at how we can create a mantra that helps us to better connect with ourselves and will the person we want to be into existence. And Emma Johnson considers the power in women’s voices as we continue to find new ways to share our stories. However you seek to understand yourself, however you do the work to discover your true identity, the great and important thing is the process of questioning, discovery and acceptance. You can be all that you believe you can be, and want to be, if you are open and listening. And so, in the heat of summer’s fire, now is the time to connect with the real you – the person you’ve been waiting to meet.

Lavender Hydrating Mist, £36, Jurlique Baume des Muses Lip Balm, £23, Officine Universelle Buly

Greco Cushion, £250, Gergei Erdei

Light My Fire Candle, £136, Ginori 1735

Light on the Riviera: Photography of the Côte d’Azur, £50, teNeues 5

The

Mindful 5 Simple, beautiful and inspired lux uries bring colour and creativity to our daily life

TIME FOR TEA There’s something soothing about settling down to make a cup of tea. Steeped in ancient tradition, the tea ceremony provides respite from a busy life – something we can all do with in these hectic times. This elegant tea set takes that practice and turns it into a meditative ritual. A handcrafted glass teapot, with a built-in infuser, holds your favourite loose-leaf tea, while a desert sand hourglass offers precise infusion time. Ritual tea set, £215, Kintsugi 6

BACK TO NATURE

TOPPED UP

Fashion brand Mother of Pearl and jeweller Monica Vinader have teamed up for a sustainable jewellery collection that celebrates nature’s imperfect beauty, drawing on the art of Kintsugi. The twelve tactile pieces – with a 100 per cent recycled gold vermeil finish, freshwater pearls and hand-cut galaxy diamonds – are inspired by the natural world, evoking the tangled roots of a tree and iridescent oyster shells.

There are few things more beneficial to our health and wellbeing than staying hydrated. So why does it seem so hard to drink enough water every day? This clever gadget from hydration specialists Waterdrop tackles that problem: a high-tech bottle cap filters water, keeps track of your consumption via a handy app and reminds you to drink at regular intervals.

Keshi pearl bracelet, £250, Monica Vinader x Mother of Pearl

Lucy Smart Cap, £119, Waterdrop

WILD BEAUTY

ART DE LA TABLE

This nourishing body oil from beauty brand Costa Brazil is the ultimate in self-care. A blend of rare Amazonian ingredients, vitamins A and E and antioxidant Kaya oil, it nurtures and firms your skin. Costa Brazil has superb credentials for the sourcing of ingredients: it wild-harvests wherever possible, and works closely with local farmers to ensure that communities on the ground benefit too.

This covetable collaboration between artist Eliza Hopewell and contemporary craft platform Felt makes art a part of every meal. Inspired by the garden of the philosopher Epicurus, who believed pleasure was the route to human happiness, the ceramics collection offers a new take on Hopewell’s sensuous creations, which explore womanhood in its many guises. Handcrafted in blue and white, the pieces nod to Ming Dynasty and Delft pottery.

Kaya Jungle Firming Body Oil, £65, Costa Brazil

Rita platter, £250, Eliza Hopewell x Felt 7

The

Reading List From the long-forgotten voices of marginalised women to understanding our friendships, marriages and desires, this year ’s summer reading list takes you on a journey of self-discover y…

The Marriage Portrait

MAGGIE O’FARRELL (TINDER PRESS)

Following the phenomenal success of her Women’s Prize for Fiction-winning Hamnet, Maggie O’Farrell returns with a novel set to fly off the bookshelves just as fast. Set in sixteenth-century Florence, it’s the imagined story of duchess Lucrezia de’ Medici, as she embarks on a hasty marriage brought about by tragic circumstances. When Lucrezia tries to understand her mystifying new husband, one thing is painfully clear: until she can provide him with an heir, her future hangs perilously in the balance. 8

Femina: A New History of the Middle Ages, Through the Women Written Out of It JANINA RAMIREZ (WH ALLEN)

This compelling book sheds light on the many women removed from our historical narrative, and seeks to restore them to their rightful place as power players who shaped our world. BBC historian Janina Ramirez examines extraordinary women, such as the visionary medical writer Hildegard of Bingen and the lost Birka warrior woman. Spanning 1,000 years, Femina is filled with vivid and evocative tales, breathing new life into overlooked luminaries.

Letters to my Weird Sisters: On Autism and Feminism JOANNE LIMBURG (ATLANTIC BOOKS)

A midlife autism diagnosis changed everything for Joanne Limburg, allowing her to finally understand why her emotional expression and social discomfort had made her an outsider. So she sought other women who had been misunderstood – her fellow ‘weird sisters’. Through letters addressing topics from autistic parenting and feminism to social isolation, she seeks to humanise women who have been dismissed for their differences.

B OOK OF T H E MO N T H

A World History of Women Photographers LUCE LEBART AND MARIE ROBERT (THAMES & HUDSON)

As in many fields of art history, the work of women in photography is often overlooked, with few names widely recognised today. This beautiful tome aims to right that. A showcase of work by 300 global photographers, it runs from the invention of the medium to the dawn of the twenty-first century. Diverse work illustrates how women used the camera for emancipation and experimentation, tackling gender roles, breaking down social barriers and expressing their imagination through profound imagery.

Bad Relations

CRESSIDA CONNOLLY (VIKING)

Few writers bring to life matters of the human heart like author Cressida Connolly. Already likened to Ian McEwan’s Atonement, Connolly's latest novel follows three generations of the Gale family: from the battle fields of Crimea, through Australia and Cornwall in the seventies, to presentday England. Connolly carefully and expertly weaves their stories together, creating a novel that is part historical saga and part coming-of-age family tale, which deftly explores the depths of human cruelty and the redemptive power of kindness.

What We Want: A Journey Through Twelve of Our Deepest Desires

CHARLOTTE FOX WEBER (WILDFIRE)

One question unites us all: what do I want out of life? Psychotherapist Charlotte Fox Weber’s clients came to her with a variety of problems from wholly different lives, but at the root of all their issues lay that simple question. Combining a fly-on-the-wall journey through universal human wants and desires with a practical toolkit for living a happier life, the book explores the profound importance of understanding and articulating our desires.

BFF? The Truth About Female Friendship CLAIRE COHEN (BANTAM PRESS)

There are few things more complex than friendships between women – a notion that is the focal point of this debut by award-winning journalist Claire Cohen. Featuring thought-provoking interviews with brilliant women including broadcaster Pandora Sykes, activist Nimco Ali and author Jilly Cooper – as well as intimate stories of friendship from a variety of women – it takes a closer look at these relationships and interrogates what female friendship looks like in the modern era. 9

F i ve app s for… being the best version of yourself

WORDS: LUCIANA BELLINI. IMAGE: SARAH DORWEILER

From simple task management to self-care reminders, these five apps gently and creatively help you to go through each day with calm intention

ANY. DO Is your brain so crammed with tasks that it’s hard to think straight? Any.do’s pleasingly clean and simple interface makes tracking tasks easy. And there’s space to include all your to-do lists and reminders in one hub. Syncing seamlessly across all your devices, it’s the easiest way to stay on top of things, whether you’re at home or out and about. any.do

ALO E B U D This adorable app uses brightly coloured, pixelated, video gameesque icons for each of its different sections. And it’s brilliantly useful for getting your headspace back on track. An all-in-one self-care companion, it will nudge you gently, throughout the day, to look after yourself, whether that’s drinking more water, taking a break or getting in touch with friends. aloebud.com

A ET H E R I A

TOOBEE This mindfulness app keeps things simple, improving your mindset with one positive affirmation a day. Narrow it down to different categories – from ‘gratitude’ and ‘confidence’ to ‘loving life’ and ‘relaxation’ – then choose the affirmation that speaks to you; such as, ‘I love and accept myself the way I am’ or ‘I learn from each experience’. Programme how often you want the message to pop up on your screen, and face the day with renewed energy. toobee.me

3 4 5

‘If you’re the astronaut,’ says Aetheria, ‘we’re Mission Control.’ This mental health management app stops you feeling spaced out and brings you back to earth. A handy database covers an array of mental disorders, so you can better understand what’s happening in your body, and offers access to therapy-driven and research-based tools. You’ll learn practical methods for coping with everything from an everyday hiccup to a full-blown emotional crisis. crediblemind.com

FOREST This beautifully designed app steers serial procrastinators back on track. Choose the amount of time you want to spend on an uninterrupted task, start the timer and a tiny sapling appears on-screen. The more you progress, the bigger the tree grows. If you try to navigate away from the screen, the tree dies. It’s a charming and surprisingly effective way to stay focused. forestapp.cc

Embracing your professional identity How do we develop our work persona? For every professional woman asking herself, Who am I?, Al Reem Al Tenaiji shares her experiences

" Now I know how to bring my values into the workplace, so I don’t lose my sense of self."

he world of business in the United Arab Emirates is modern and fast-paced. And, excitingly, in recent years, the torchbearers of this emerging powerhouse are the fearless women who have overcome numerous challenges as they strive for empowerment. My own story is not just a career path, but the journey of a common girl to a well-known entrepreneur. I was just 23 when I started a charity school for girls in India. Looking back, I see that this was a stepping stone to the professional world. Working with the charity taught me valuable life skills, which I took into the early years of my semiprofessional career. It has been a varied ride so far, with the usual bumps in the road: unequal pay and gender bias, alongside talent-hunting, team-building and creating cultural diversity. Luckily, in my personal life, I found my life’s love. My husband’s rock-solid support added to my confidence. And after just a few years of marriage, I gathered my courage and decided to stand on my own, held up by my husband’s deep belief and love.

That was the time when the hidden entrepreneur in me awakened. I was nervous and excited. I was lucky enough to work with business coaches at the beginning of my journey, and I urge anyone who is able to do so to take this on as a key part of their self-development. Executive coaching was an investment in myself, and its benefits went far beyond my expectations. The lessons I’ve taken forward have given me all the skills I need to better lead and grow my team. And as a successful business leader, I always advise new entrepreneurs to prioritise executive coaching, for them and their team. A newly appointed executive may benefit from being mentored by someone with experience in a similar position, while I’ve also seen coaching boost the confidence of both employees and managers. By defining a new, more compelling, professional identity, and reconnecting with the attributes, beliefs, values, motives and experiences that I consider important, I took big steps on my selfdevelopment journey. I know how to bring my values into the workplace, so I don’t lose my sense of self.

IMAGE: UNSPLASH/LAURA CHOUETTE

IMAGE: UNSPLASH/EVIE S

‘Within every woman there is a wild and natural creature, a powerful force, filled with good instincts, passionate creativity and ageless knowing’ Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Finding your PERSONA L POW ER L oo ki n g for your true ide ntity? H o ldi ng b a c k o n wh at you truly de sire ? Sum m e r i s t he i de a l ti me to s te p into the fire of your pe r so na l p o wer, says N i c ol a C h a nt l e r

PERSONAL POWER

ike the seasons of the year, the chapters of our lives offer new, exciting and challenging opportunities. A shock redundancy at work might pave the way for an enriching new career. Leaving a relationship that’s run its course might awaken a long-forgotten part of your true self. Committing to small, daily habits can create huge improvements in your mindset and feelings of self-worth. Each step on our unique journey invites us to pause, consider and evolve. And as we edge into the transformational season of summer, a further invitation awaits: if we could shed a layer of ourselves into the fire, how would we like to emerge? Many of us feel newly optimistic in the summer, thanks to warmer temperatures and increased hours of daylight. We might escape on a relaxing, sun-kissed holiday; rise early to make the most of quiet morning light; or relax into a slower, more joyful pace of life. Emboldened by the sun, we find that summer highlights both the natural world and parts of ourselves hidden during winter hibernation. If spring is the season to plant the seeds of what we want, summer is the time to harvest. This seasonal uplift is far more than a placebo. Summer is a time of energetic inner change. Associated with the fire element, or ‘agni’, it ignites our passions. This arises from our interconnectedness with the natural world: the sun’s power stimulates the body’s internal rhythms. This empowers us to feel more connected with our endeavours and gives us impetus to progress. Fire has the power to change and transform. So do we. We feel more confident about letting go of what no longer serves us. We move forward. We might experiment with a new hobby, ask for a promotion at work, or consider a house move. The energetic shift of summer means we see our path more clearly and feel more confident about walking along it. In late 2014, made redundant from my job as an editor, I experienced a deep identity crisis. At home with a new baby and no job, I felt a sudden and complete loss of self. Having spent most of my adult life focused on my career goals, I had lost direction. And with a new baby to care for and the cold and gloom of winter pressing in, I felt confined indoors. But nine months later, buoyed by my growing confidence as a mother and the hours we spent playing outside, I began to retreat from my depression. Summer’s glow gave me a lift to gather up the pieces of who I was and decipher what I truly wanted. »

PERSONAL POWER

IMAGES: UNSPLASH/JACKSON DAVID

PERSONAL POWER

And it wasn’t to pick up where I’d left off. Embracing the simple joys of life with my daughter, such as walks in the park and time digging in the garden, inspired me to retrain as a yoga and mindfulness teacher. The sun expands and peaks at the solstice, the longest day of the year. And at that peak, we can use the time to reflect, choose how we want to move forward and put dreams into motion. ‘It’s a great time to start a new routine, or feel more ready to step into confidence,’ explains somatic transformational coach Katy Murray. ‘Better weather brings us outdoors more. Nature is a natural balancer of the nervous system, [so] we feel more at ease and able to expand.’ Whether we’re looking to make big or small life changes, or simply pause and take stock of the nourishment we need, it’s the season to step into our most authentic self. ‘Recognise that the demands on us change,’ suggests Murray, ‘and, with that, often our identity will too. ‘Check in with yourself regularly: what do you love about your life? What’s not working and might be changed?’ For many of us, making changes that affect our identity can spark imposter syndrome, or limit our self-belief. However, when we consider the role the seasons play with our everevolving self, we can better honour what we are ready for and open to. ‘Negative self-talk comes from a protective place, but it’s possible to rewire the brain,’ Murray explains. ‘Feel it in your body and your nervous system will learn it too. Take small steps towards embracing yourself every day and it will start to stick.'

‘You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company’

IMAGE: UNSPLASH/JOSHUA YU

Diane von Furstenberg

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R E PE AT A F T E R M E

DAILY AFFIRMATIONS

Man tr as and affirm ations can b e po we r ful t o o ls fo r fo c usi ng t he m i nd and coping w ith anxie ty or s t r e ss. But , sa y s Lu n a We e k s , t he y wo r k b e st wh en the y conne c t you to w ho y o u a r e a nd wha t y o u st a nd fo r

IMAGE: UNSPLASH/MATHILDE LANGVIN

e know that meditation can help us stay calm in difficult situations, to channel our energies in a specific direction and encourage us to focus on a positive mindset. And a mantra or affirmation is a powerful part of this process that you can use every day, whenever you need it. An ancient meditative practice, a mantra in its traditional form is more like a chanting with specific sounds – such as ‘om’ or ‘om namah shivaya’. These connect us to nature and ask for the contentment of the world around, and within, us. The vibrational aspect of repeating sounds over and over helps us we use has the power to change how we feel about connect to every living thing; offering renewed events in our lives. Focusing on one word or clarity, awareness and peace. statement distils our experience and allows us to Mantras give us something to focus on. It concentrate on what we truly need in that moment. becomes easier to steady the mind, while the sound ‘Mantras not only shed light on the darkness of our frequencies soothe and calm us. When we add subconscious, but allow us to infuse our identity language to our mantra, the practice takes on a with the mantra,’ says journalist Jennifer DeSimone. different but no less powerful form. We can choose mantras based on The Sat Nam mantra, used in “We can choose the person we want to become: the Kundalini yoga, for instance, absolute best version of ourselves. translates as ‘true identity’ or ‘I am mantras based ‘With a personal mantra,’ explains truth’. Yoga sessions end with this mindfulness writer Irina Yugay, ‘you mantra, repeated for several minutes. on the person affirm the way you want to live ‘Sat Nam is like a seed that begins to we want to your life, as it often represents one’s germinate inside of you,’ says author core values. It can help motivate and yoga teacher Karena Virginia. become” you to complete your goals, both ‘The vibration of Sat Nam initiates personally and professionally.’ the journey to selfhood. Sat Nam is Repeating positive mantras changes your brain about expressing your true identity, not only for the too. When you imagine yourself completing a goal, benefit of yourself but also for others.’ your brain responds as if you had actually completed Science and psychology show us that the language that goal. Entrepreneur Jack Canfield says: ‘The dissonance that occurs in your subconscious mind as it tries to reconcile what feels to be true, with what your brain knows to be true will subconsciously prompt you to resolve that dissonance by taking persistent action toward your goals, until your imagined reality becomes your actual reality.’ »

FOCUSING YOUR WORDS IDENTIFYING YOUR MANTRA Language is power and choosing your words carefully is important. But, first, you need to take the time to identify a few key things: what is happening for you this year? What hopes and dreams do you have? Who do you want to be in this year? What does your heart need to support you? Write down everything that comes to mind, then read over your notes and slowly trim them down. Mindfulness writer Susannah Conway describes how the words should make you feel: ‘Which word creates a physical reaction in your body when you say it? It might be a tingle up your spine. Butterflies in your tummy. A long, satisfying exhale.’ Once you’ve identified one or two words that really speak to you, use a thesaurus to flesh out your understanding of them. Don’t discard your notes once you’re done: you may need to change your mantra as the seasons or months change, so keep a record of your process to add to.

You want to end up with a mantra that gives you what you need, rather than highlighting what you lack. ‘I must get fit’ or ‘I will go to the gym’, for example, are pleas or instructions. They don’t speak to who you are or what you need for your life. Instead, ‘My body is a powerful tool – I care for it and strengthen it’ gets to the heart of your desire to make healthier choices. Similarly, ‘I am not alone’ focuses on your sense of being alone, and reinforces a message of loneliness. Instead, ‘My life is filled with a community that cares for me’ completely changes the narrative and allows your sense of self to become a part of a loving community. Think about strength and surrender – two important aspects of a mantra. You might need something deeply affirmative, something that gives you permission to be strong, to infuse you with courage: ‘I can overcome this’ or ‘I have what I need to move forward’. On the flipside, you might need gentleness and acceptance: ‘I am enough’ or ‘I accept this into my life’. Use the present tense, and choose the most emotionally charged words you can, as well as powerful, visual imagery that speaks to you. ‘I can see the path ahead’ is good, but more powerful is, ‘I am an eagle, soaring above, and I can see the way forward.’ If you struggle to find a mantra that sits easily with you, start with something simple that you know you can commit to. Anything that starts with ‘I am’ is great: ‘I am’ is one of the most powerful manifesting mantras. But whichever words you choose, make sure you show yourself compassion. A mantra only works if it infuses your sense of self with possibility, reassurance and kindness.

DAILY AFFIRMATIONS

MANTRAS FOR BEGINNERS

1 Every day, I am

getting stronger

IMAGES: UNSPLASH/ALYSHA ROSLY, DREW BEAMER, NAHTHAN DUMLAO

COMMIT, REPEAT, BECOME When you have identified your mantra, commit to giving it time to work. Start by repeating your mantra at least twenty times to yourself. Say it out loud, and in front of a mirror if you can. Anchor the affirmation in a part of your body – your heart, your solar plexus, your temples, your belly – by placing your hands on that area as you say the words. Doing this provides a sensory way to connect, and reconnect, with that mantra. Choose the same time of day for your practice; your body and mind will begin to expect it. As you wake or before you go to sleep are brilliant times, as your conscious mind is less active and you can allow the power of the subconscious to take over. Practising affirmations consistently is crucial, so give yourself at least two months to develop your mantra practice so it becomes an almost unconscious act. As Jennifer DeSimone says, ‘The work that you do today on your mantra will build the foundation for your life tomorrow.’

2 In me I trust 3 Inhale the future, exhale the past

4 I am the change 5 Everything I need is within me

6 May I be happy.

May I be well. May I be safe. May I be peaceful and free from suffering

‘I don’t entirely approve of some of the things I have done, or am, or have been. But I’m me. God knows, I’m me’

IMAGES: UNSPLASH/JEFFERY ERHUNSE

Elizabeth Taylor

R EMEMBER ME H o w do our m e m orie s form our se nse o f who we a r e ? Kat i e S cot t c o nsi de rs

y sister looks at me with one eyebrow raised. ‘Can you really not remember that?’ she asks. I shake my head. I’m sure it did happen – she recalls details that make me laugh and recounts things that I did that I know are true-to-form – but my mind is blank. I’m forty-two and pride myself on a pretty good memory. I can recall names of people I haven’t seen for decades. And yet so many of the childhood memories my sister remembers, I just can’t. They must be in my head somewhere. And they must play a part every day in what and who I think I am. Memory and its relationship with our perception of self has been a fascination for centuries. The seventeenth-century philosopher John Locke declared that we are born as ‘tabula rasa’ – a blank slate – then shaped by our experiences and how they made us feel. Being able to access ‘this succession of perceptions’ – to recall our memories and relate them to ourselves – fellow philosopher David Hume hailed as ‘the source of personal identity’. In Scientific American, Robert Martone articulated this

beautifully: ‘We are all time travellers. Each day, we experience new things as we travel forward through time. In the process, the countless connections between the nerve cells in our brain recalibrate to accommodate these experiences. It’s as if we reassemble ourselves daily, maintaining a mental construct of ourselves in physical time, and the glue that holds together our core identity is memory.’ Self-referencing memories, Martone noted, are recalled more easily and are at the core of our sense of self. In general terms, our long-term memory is contained in two systems: declarative and procedural. Within the declarative, said experimental psychologist and cognitive neuroscientist Endel Tulving, are the episodic and semantic systems. The latter contains factual memories and knowledge, like times tables or capital cities. Facts about ourselves – where we were born, for example – sit here. It’s also a trait library: a database of how we reacted in particular situations and therefore a reference for how we might react again. But it is the episodic memories, wrote psychologists Shaun

MEMORY & IDENTITY

IMAGES: UNSPLASH/CAROLINE HERNANDEZ, DAIGA ELLABY

‘We are all time travellers. Each day, we experience new things as we travel forward through time.’ Nichols and Stanley B Klein, that represent the ‘what, whens and wheres’: the colourful memories that ‘seem to be essential for the sense of personal identity across time’. By revisiting these memories, we put together our life stories. I am a mother now – but I am also the child who used to sit on the stairs waiting for my dad to come home from the airport. Memories bond us to others. We used to have bonfires by a rickety old shed at the end of our garden; I remember sitting there between my brother and sister while we swapped tales of the naughty things they did at school. I remember the place, the smells, the conversation, the laughter and the feeling of belonging. It may have been twenty years ago, but that memory speaks of my relationship with them: how they view me and how I view myself through their eyes. Memories enable us to consider our actions in the present and determine how we might act in future. We can learn from mistakes we have made. ‘The parts of the brain that interpret experiences and the parts of the brain that create memory all communicate,’ wrote psychologist Dr Kevin Hull, ‘so that a

seamless stream of experiences and memories is constantly being formed. The result is a person that learns from mistakes, overcomes shame and guilt by remembering [having] made positive choices and recognises positive parts of herself.’ It also enables mental time travel. ‘We visit the past through our memories,’ said Martone, ‘and then journey into the future by imagining what tomorrow or next year might bring.’ The evening after I had seen my sister, I tried to remember the incident she had recounted. It didn’t appear but many other memories did, prompted by association. I thought about how every memory – of whatever kind, whether good or bad – is an almost imperceptible stroke in my portrait. My memories don’t define me, but they are me. They represent a mental map of what I have done, seen, felt and known. I may not recall everything, but those I love recall the other things. And so we share our memories, and every day is an opportunity to make more.

Katie Scott is a writer, editor and presenter. katiescott.journoportfolio.com

‘The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud’

IMAGE: UNSPLASH/DARIUS BASHAR

Coco Chanel

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CHANGING IDENTITY

e e vol h T vi ng s elf

he dw l r wo a In

earance an re app d id en tit y

WORDS: ELSA MILLS. IMAGE: PEXELS/COTTONBRO

ev n a h e asily t

hen the Netflix documentary Inventing Anna – a drama about fake heiress Anna Delvey – hit screens earlier this year, it not only exposed the myriad identities and lies of one young woman, peddled over several years in New York, but also reminded us how easy it is to become someone else. Clothed head to toe in high-end fashion, changing her name from Sorokin to hide her Russian heritage, as well as a crash course in art and staggering lies about her wealth, Delvey created a vision of the person she wanted to be, and lived that truth for as long as she could. And her deep conviction that she was who she said she was opened doors easily. As

nb em anip ulated m ore

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w fluid has o ur s ens eo f se lf b eco me?

fashion director Vanessa Friedman wrote for Refinery29, ‘The quick and easy way with which she made friends with influential people is undoubtedly how she convinced so many to part with so much.’ Long stays in expensive hotels, endless dinners at elite restaurants, travel via private jet and aggressive networking bolstered her persona further. ‘Her reputation most definitely preceded her,’ wrote Friedman. ‘So, when she attempted to secure loans in excess of $20 million to start The Anna Delvey Foundation… hedge funds and banks initially bought the idea.’ We’ve written in this issue about how identity is, in part, about inhabiting a persona – about »

creating a mantra that speaks to who you want to be. But what does this mean in the case of someone like Delvey, who tricked her friends out of tens of thousands of dollars, and almost convinced banks to part with millions? Where do you draw the line? We all reinvent ourselves in some way. Silicon Valley execs dress casually, to differentiate themselves from what they see as the corporate world. ‘Mum dressing’ has turned into wardrobes full of athleisure, trainers and ‘mum buns’. Pearls and Alice bands characterised London socialites in the 1980s. And goth culture has evolved into an identifying uniform. As we grow up, we change our favourite drinks and foods, read different books, watch different television programmes, have different friends. With the advent of motherhood – one of the biggest shifts for women – we develop a new pack mentality with our ‘mum friends’. We mix infrequently with childless friends. We talk less about work and politics and more about weaning and the developmental stages of toddlers. We inhabit these new personas, these identities, these uniforms, because they fit our new lives – but also because we are trying to fit ourselves into our new lives. Elizabeth Holmes, who faces prison for misleading investors with her company Theranos, embraced her chosen identity with laser-sighted specificity. As she began to move up through the entrepreneurial ranks, Holmes wore the same black polo necks as Steve Jobs, even sourcing them from Issey Miyake as the Apple supremo had done. She dropped her voice to a distinctive low timbre. She wore minimal makeup, bar bright red lipstick,

straightened her hair or wore it pulled sharply back. Staff at Theranos reported that the metamorphosis happened before their eyes. ‘She did change her aesthetic,’ one employee told ABC News, ‘and I think it was for the best.’ When the business fell apart and a trial beckoned, Holmes’ chameleon tendencies became clearer still. She arrived at court with bland, beige clothing, wavy hair, ballet pumps and a diaper bag dangling from her shoulder. Having given birth months before the trial began, Holmes was now a mother, and playing the part to perfection. ‘The diaper bag functioned as an implicit reminder of her maternal status and family values,’ wrote Friedman. ‘In case that accessory wasn’t enough, she often entered the courthouse with an actual family member – her mother, her partner – in tow, and a hand to cling to. It was codeswitching of the most skilful kind.’ In a time of crisis, Holmes turned to family to find her new identity. When we feel lost, or face a crisis of identity, we often turn to our heritage to try to understand ourselves better. We take the parts of ourselves that we think are the most interesting and turn them to our advantage. We identify with aspects of our parents’ nationalities, or attach significance to where we were born or raised, or what our parents did for a living, or the religion we were brought up in, and trade on our points of difference or similarity. We form alliances with people based on shared traits, like gender, religion or sexual orientation. This can help us to feel seen but can also divide us and lead to over-identification with just one aspect of ourselves. To feel balanced and to align with our authentic

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" You think that there was some evolution, like in the movies or whatever, but I was always who I am” ANNA SOROKIN

CHANGING IDENTITY

self, we must be true to who we are, inside and out. Sorokin mimicked who she wanted to be. It was artifice: her internal truth didn’t match her external lies. And yet her self-belief is quite extraordinary. ‘You think that there was some evolution, like in the movies or whatever, but I was always who I am,’ she told journalist Jessica Pressler, whose New York Magazine exposé inspired Inventing Anna. And she remains remarkably unrepentant, coming closest to an admission of guilt with, ‘I completely understand that a lot of people suffered when I thought I was not doing anything wrong.’

Even since leaving jail, Sorokin’s Instagram account – which has more than one million followers – still bears her Delvey moniker and her trademark monochrome images, though she has changed her occupation to ‘professional defendant’. Maybe she truly embraces those ideas of intentional and purposeful living: being who she wants to be, inside and out. Who she believes she is has become her lifeline. ‘I wanted to learn everything, so I could be anything,’ she is quoted as saying in the Netflix show. ‘They will not call Anna Delvey a dumb socialite. I’m smart. I’m a businesswoman.’ And maybe, eventually, she will be.

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‘When a woman tells the truth she is creating the possibility for more truth around her’

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Adrienne Rich

ONLINE IDENTITY

#Identit y #mum bos s #influe nc e r # b lo gge r… Lu ci an a B e l l i n i i nve st i ga t e s the pe rils of re ducing o ur se nse o f se lf t o a ha sht a g

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ver over-embellished your Instagram bio? Spent that little bit too long crafting a perfectly worded tweet? Chances are, you’re having a hashtag identity crisis. Our lives have moved online: it’s where we shop, catch up on news, touch base with family and friends, buy tickets and make reservations. And, increasingly, it’s where we define ourselves – whether that’s by the selfies we take, the sharing of snapshots of our lives, or the way we summarise our thoughts in 280 characters or fewer. The boundaries between the real world and the digital world have never been more blurred, and we’re in danger of losing sight of ourselves. The rise of influencer culture has had a huge impact on the way people present themselves online. And as soon as one social media platform falls out of favour, another one swoops in to take its place. During the first Covid-19 lockdown in 2020, TikTok cemented itself as the platform du jour, with a generation of stars born in a twelve-week period. ‘Welcome to the influencer industry,’ Sara McCorquodale observes in her book Influence, ‘where speed and smartphone skills can lead to overnight fame – if you play your cards right.’ These are our new celebrities: the people we look up to and, inevitably, compare ourselves to. As McCorquodale says, ‘They own the internet.’ Where the A-listers we aspired to be like were unattainable, now a host of social media starlets are just like us: regular Joes in their bedrooms with nothing more than an internet connection. Choose an artful shot of yourself in a dreamy holiday destination, apply a quick filter and, hey presto, you’re the leading lady in an ideal version of your life. And if this is the version you project to the world, as you sit in front on your laptop in toothpaste-stained pyjamas on a drizzly Wednesday morning, who’s to say which one is real? But living our lives online has its downfalls. One infamous example is the tale of Clemmie Hooper, aka @motherofdaughters, who rose from being an approachable midwife, sharing advice and birth stories, to a major mumfluencer whose posts were almost entirely adverts and paid partnerships. That all changed when she lost close to 750,000 followers, after it transpired she had used an alias to troll fellow bloggers. Writing as Alice in Wanderlust, she originally intended simply to address nasty threads about her family, but was soon posting negative content herself. ‘It became all-consuming and it grew bigger than I knew how to handle,’ Hooper wrote when the scandal broke. ‘When users started to suspect it was me, I made »

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' well as defining ourselves through our As online identities, a life lived through the web leads to another form of toxic behaviour: the comparison trap'

the mistake of commenting about others. I regret it all and am deeply sorry.’ Hooper deleted her profiles and the only glimpses into her life were provided by family pictures posted by her husband, who is still very much living out his own hashtag identity as @fatherofdaughters. As well as defining ourselves through our online identities, a life lived through the web leads to another form of toxic behaviour: the comparison trap. Being bombarded by seemingly perfect images of the lives of influencers, celebrities, friends, family and neighbours leads to an unhealthy habit of measuring your life against others. And when the lives you look at are so carefully curated, your own is bound to come up short. ‘We don’t want to admit that looking at pictures of other people makes us feel bad about ourselves,’ writes journalist and influencer Katherine Ormerod in her book Why Social Media Is Ruining Your Life. ‘There’s no doubt that starting to grow an Instagram audience has had a huge impact on the way I see myself and feel about my life.’ Ormerod reveals that many adverse effects of social media use appear to be inherently gendered, explaining that ‘women post the most selfies, share more personal issues, log on more frequently and spend more time on social media overall’. As well as damaging our self-esteem, this can have a negative effect on our mental health: in 2017, a UK survey revealed that more than eighty per cent of women said Instagram and Facebook added pressure to be the perfect mum. But it’s not all doom and gloom. The internet can be a wonderful place of inclusivity and diversity, where all are welcome. Social media gives us a voice that mainstream media simply can’t compete with; people previously marginalised now have a platform to share their experiences. Hashtag activism has also given rise to truly important campaigns, from #BlackLivesMatter and #MeToo to #HeForShe, which asked men to show their support for gender equality, and #PassOnPlastic, which encouraged us to take a stand against plastic packaging. So how can we use social media and our hashtag identities as a force for good? The answers are simple. If you’re not comfortable with the online persona you project, change it. If you put more time and effort into your digital relationships with strangers than those with people close to you, step away from your devices and reassess your priorities. ‘Online and offline life aren’t separate entities,’ writes Emma Gannon in her book Disconnected. ‘How we act online also reflects who we really are.’ Above all, remember you’re in the driving seat. ‘There is no such thing as perfect technology because it is us, fallible humans, who use it,’ notes Ormerod. ‘But we mustn’t forget that we’re also the ones at the controls.’

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ONLINE IDENTITY

The journey to ourselves Few things can prepare you for the life-changing, identityshattering, soul-shaking experience of becoming a mother. Luciana Bellini considers how we need to rediscover our sense of self when we become parents

discovered the shock of new motherhood for myself almost two years ago. Looking back at that period of my life – which coincided with the anxiety-inducing start of the global pandemic – I was so focused on getting pregnant, then growing and birthing this new, tiny human, that I forgot to properly consider what it would do to me and the life I had cultivated for the past thirty-three years. And I’m not alone in this oversight: frank discussions about the transition to motherhood, in its warts-and-all glory, remain frustratingly hard to come by in mainstream media and medical institutions. All too often, postpartum fears and frustrations are pushed aside and dismissed. While I was lucky enough not to suffer from post-natal depression, I struggled enough to seek books that might explain my experience. Emma Brockwell’s Why Did No One Tell Me? focuses on caring for yourself before, during and after giving birth, while Kimberly Ann Johnson writes in Call of the Wild: ‘I was shocked, as many women are, at how little I knew about the process of becoming a mother.’ That process has a name: matrescence. Coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael in the seventies, it remained largely unexplored in the medical

community but has undergone a resurgence as women seek a deeper understanding of our bodies and ourselves. Like adolescence, becoming a mother is transitionary and complex. ‘It’s a holistic change in multiple domains of your life,’ reproductive psychologist Aurélie Athan told NPR. ‘You’re going to feel it perhaps bodily, psychologically. You’re going to feel it with your peer groups. You’re going to feel it at your job. You’re going to feel it in terms of the big philosophical questions.’ The emotions that accompany this powerful transition are as much about chemical shifts in your brain as they are about profound changes that cannot be explained by science. Hormones – mainly oestrogen and progesterone – course through your body and are responsible for many of the mood shifts you experience in early motherhood (and beyond). You might be filled with joy and benevolence one minute, reduced to tears the next. ‘A woman does not become a mother the very minute she gives birth,’ writes Elif Shafak in her memoir on motherhood and postnatal depression, Black Milk. ‘It is a learning process.’ Two years in, these words ring truer than ever with me, as I face the seemingly never-ending challenge of the »

MOTHERHOOD

'My personality was shattered into pieces so small there was no way I could glue them back together again’

modern mother: ‘the juggle’. We have been raised to believe we can have it all, yet realise, just that little bit too late, that of course we can’t. In the perpetual balancing act of trying to be a good mother, a good wife, a good employee and a good friend, we too often sacrifice the one thing that holds it all together: staying in touch with ourselves and dedicating time to nurturing our true identity. Of course, the notion of identity is a slippery subject. In Black Milk, Shafak discusses six ‘Thumbelina’ women within her – each representing a different facet of her personality – and how entering motherhood forced her to get that discordant internal orchestra to sing the same tune. ‘Perhaps all women live with a mini harem inside,’ she writes, ‘and the

discrepancy, tension and hard-achieved harmony among our conflicting selves is what really makes us ourselves.’ And if there is one experience that will make you reassess everything you thought you knew about yourself, it’s becoming a mother. Shafak sums it up perfectly: ‘My personality was shattered into pieces so small there was no way I could glue them back together again.’ Many of us begin with a preconceived notion of what a mother should be – endlessly patient, kind, nurturing and all-giving – then chastise ourselves for falling short of that impossible ideal. There is very little room in this wholly unattainable superwoman scenario for accepting our authentic self and what she might be able to bring to the table. ‘Most of us,’

IMAGES: PEXELS/ANASTASIA SHURAEVA

MOTHERHOOD

writes Joanna Hunt in her book Find Your Mama Groove, ‘are so busy trying to live up to other people’s ideals of motherhood that we become disconnected with our own unique approach.’ Certain emotions are deemed acceptable for mothers: love, joy, gratitude, happiness. Others are not: rage, guilt, shame, boredom. Ambivalence is another that seems to have no place in the image of motherhood, yet is an overriding emotion that many of us confront on a daily basis. In Torn in Two: The Experience of Maternal Ambivalence, psychotherapist Rozsika Parker hails the push and pull of wanting to keep a child close, while simultaneously craving space, both physical and emotional, as the norm. We must learn to accept that the experience is not all good or all bad: it is good and bad. So how do we reconcile these conflicting emotions? Joanna Hunt says we need to cultivate self-awareness. That, she writes, ‘is the gateway to a balanced, happy and connected life and family. A self-aware mother knows herself fully. She accepts herself wholly.’ But the best, most truthful description of the experience of motherhood that I’ve found is in Jessi Klein’s newly published I’ll Show Myself Out: ‘Motherhood is a hero’s journey. For most of us it’s not a journey outward, to the most fantastic and farthest-flung places, but inward, downward, to the deepest parts of your strength, to the innermost buried core of everything you are made of but didn’t know was there.’

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‘It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are’

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E.E. Cummings

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MEETING ME I N M I DLI FE O verwhelmed. Losing yourse lf. Hug e ho r m o na l c ha nge s. Mi d li fe i s a pe rfe ct s torm for w om e n. But i t c a n a lso b e t he key to fi nding out w ho w e are . S arah Miller sha r e s h er exp eri ence of los ing – the n find i ng – he r se lf

eaving my marriage and, on the cusp of forty, losing the entire infrastructure of my life, with two little girls to care for, was the catalyst for finally meeting my true self. The one with dreams, desires, values and beliefs, beyond spinning the plates of family life. I thought leaving my marriage was the answer to my unhappiness and chronic illnesses. But it was just the first step on a road to finding my truth and meeting myself. I thought it was just a major midlife crisis. It never occurred to me that others might be experiencing the same. Like many, I thought only men had midlife crises – the clichéd sports car/new wife combo. But the more I looked around, the more prevalent my situation seemed to be. It was a relief to know I wasn’t the only one questioning the point of my life. Millions of midlife women find themselves in this situation. It’s a strange time. As we emerge from the ‘responsibility years’ – where our own needs are pushed to the bottom of a deep, forever growing pile – we often experience a crisis of self and of purpose. Decades have been spent caring for children, chasing careers, taking on the growing role of caring for elderly parents and, at the same time, building and maintaining increasingly complex lives. Now throw into the mix the hormonal thunderstorm of the perimenopause and it’s a

melting pot of confusion. Where did life go? Where am I going? Who am I? Anxiety and worry ramp up. Life becomes overwhelming. Our faith wanes. We begin to question what the point is. We are diagnosed with depression when, often, we are simply exhausted and need respite. We run on a hamster wheel at vicious speed. There is no-one to gently remove us from that wheel and care for us. We lose ourselves. Lose our minds to the constant requirement to be ‘on’, and lose our bodies to the ravages of time, hormones and self-neglect. When we find time to get our heads above water for long enough, we realise we’ve been holding our breath for so long that we no longer know who we are. No longer know what makes us happy. And, most of all, no longer know what we want from the rest of our lives. It’s no wonder we question life. During perimenopause and menopause, oestrogen and progesterone levels decline. That can contribute to sleeplessness, mood swings, exhaustion, memory loss, anxiety, weight gain and decreased interest in things that we used to enjoy. All of that sucks. And, I discovered, if you throw living out of alignment with your ‘self’ into the mix, chronic illnesses and depression really get their foot in the door. We have so much on our spinning plates that

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IMAGE: SARAH MILLER

we cannot afford to be out of alignment with who we are. Stabilising those plates takes too much energy. When we live out of alignment, we lose the essence of who we are. We undermine ourselves and it makes us ill. It’s easy to bury your dreams and beliefs and values to please others – but, when you do that, you bury the most important part of yourself: your lifeblood. By the time we hit midlife, we may have strayed far from the path that we expected to be on. We were so busy with all the distractions that we didn’t notice until we stopped that we were in the wrong place entirely. It’s confusing, disorientating and painful, but it’s never too late to reset your compass. Hitting forty as a divorcée with two girls under four – and with a massive change to my financials, and looking in the mirror to discover I had grown ‘old’ – really shocked me. I was time to face my true self. Acknowledge who I was, where I was at and what I wanted from life. Build in the direction that my intuition and desires told me to go. It was frightening and risky and quite often painful, but it was the only way to truly live. I didn’t have time to just exist. I wanted to make the best of the rest. My favourite rule to live by is: accept it, change it or leave it. Midlife is a brilliantly frightening time to meet yourself, to appraise where you are and begin implementing positive lifestyle changes. In the workplace, regular appraisals check that everything is running smoothly, and that we are growing and progressing happily. Why not implement that into our everyday lives? We need to wake up to the fact that time flies and, if we don’t stop to smell the roses, we will never experience their sweetness. Accepting and loving the woman behind the juggling act is the first step on the road to finding health, happiness and yourself. Sarah Miller is a midlife writer and lifestylist. Her book Permission to Be Happy will be available in Summer 2022 51

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IMAGE: PEXELS/POLINA KOVALEVA

‘Women have the right to be whatever kind of woman they want to be. So don’t box me in or tell me how to be a girl. It’s the only thing I’ve figured out how to do, and I do it my way’ Cheryl Anne Gardner

The trap of likeabilit y

SELF

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Wh y d o women s o ofte n fall into the ‘ li ke a b i li t y t rap’? An d how c an w e avoid it, as ks Lu ci an a B e l l i n i

e’re taught to believe that being liked is important. Getting along with others is a vital part of existence. It begins in the playground and continues into later life: from making friends at school and university to being hired for jobs and climbing the career ladder. And that’s even more true if you happen to be a woman. The urge to be liked is a powerful force, and one felt particularly keenly by women. Across cultures we are conditioned to think of ourselves in relation to others: as wives, as mothers, as daughters. This strengthens an innate desire to people-please. But likeability is wholly subjective and a moving target: a quality judged not by ourselves but by those around us. That makes it one of the trickiest issues to pin down. This is particularly relevant in the workplace, where women still face a likeability penalty in just about everything they do, from hiring to promotions. ‘Any time you, as a woman, advocate for yourself, you are asking yourself, “Is the thing that I am potentially getting worth the potential trade-off in likeability?”’ observed journalist Alicia Menendez – author of The Likeability Trap – on an NPR podcast. ‘Because likeability isn’t just who sits next to you at lunch. It’s also about who is seen as a person who is on a path to success. And so those trade-offs are very real.’ It’s a blessing and a curse to be able to read the temperature of a room as soon as you enter – something

Menendez calls a female ‘superpower’ – and be able to connect with people from all walks of life. But staying attuned to the wants and needs of others can be deeply draining. If this all sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Ask any of your female friends and it’s likely they feel the same way: struggling with wanting to be liked but not wanting it to hold them back. Falling into the likeability trap is easy. The real issues come when the desire to appear amiable stops us being our authentic selves, and when our decisions become governed by a need to be liked. In The Likeability Trap, Menendez identifies three pitfalls for women at work. First is the brilliantly named ‘Goldilocks conundrum’: ‘She’s too warm, she’s too strong, she’s rarely just right.’ If you’re perceived as too warm, you’re usually not considered leadership material. Too strong? You could be asked to tone it down for fear of ruffling feathers. The second trap questions whether likeability and authenticity are luxuries that everyone is afforded. Is it actually possible for women to lead as themselves? Or is being your authentic self and being well-liked an option open only to those who align with the dominant office culture? The third trap, says Menendez, is the ‘damned if you do’: the more successful a woman, the less people like her. And so, at every turn, it feels like women are asked to choose between being successful and being liked.

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SO HOW DO WE AVOID THE LIKEABILITY TRAPS?

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ASK FOR CONCRETE FEEDBACK ‘When executive coach Caterina Kostoula’s clients receive critical, subjective feedback, she encourages them to ask questions,’ says Alicia Menendez. ‘Ask for evidence of how these qualities are impacting the work or their team. Caterina suggests asking, “Can you be more concrete?” or “How does this thing I do impact my work?” In some cases, the enquiry allows the reviewer to offer more helpful, objective feedback. In other cases, it forces them to reconsider the necessity of the commentary.’

FIND YOUR PEOPLE ‘Find people who get you,’ says Menendez, ‘who see you, who understand the inherent value of the skills that you bring, and who, when you do get this type of feedback, you can go to and say, “Hey, does this sound like me?”’

DON’T MAKE YOURSELF SMALLER ‘Being humble does not mean being meek,’ writes executive coach Hanna Hart in her forbes.com piece ‘Moving Beyond Likability’. To make a significant contribution, you need to leverage all your strengths, not minimise them out of fear that others will be turned off or intimidated. Be bold and decisive, and let your voice be heard.

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FOCUS ON INFLUENCE, NOT CONTROL ‘You cannot control if others like you, but you can influence their thinking and behaviour,’ says Hart. ‘This involves building relationships, understanding your constituents and including their interests in your vision, strategy and decisions, to bring them along.’

KNOW WHEN IT’S TIME TO LEAVE ‘You need to know when the place that you work doesn’t align with your values and doesn’t see the potential that you bring in,’ says Menendez. ‘There are a lot of us who believe that if we just work hard enough, then we can make it fit. And sometimes that fit isn’t there.’

‘Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us’ IMAGE: UNSPLASH/GUILHERME STECANELLA

Marianne Williamson

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L I L NG E

OR I ES

OUR STORIES

Whe n the page s of his to r y fa i l t o t e ll o ur st o r i e s, we fi nd othe r w ays to c om m unic a t e o ur sa c r e d he r i t a ge . Fr o m o r a l traditions and s tory c ircle s t o r e c i pe b o o k s a nd so c i a l m e di a , E m m a Johnson conside rs t he wa y s we m a ke o ur vo i c e s he a r d

OUR STORIES

IMAGES PREVIOUS SPREAD: UNSPLASH/CALEB WOODS, BROOKE CAGLE. IMAGE THIS PAGE: PEXELS/DMITRY GANIN

Brady holds regular circles throughout the UK, and she e all have a story. An account of our journey too trains those wishing to hold their own. In this way, through this world, of the generations that like Florence, she hands down knowledge and protects the came before us, the cultural heritage that future of women’s narratives. ‘Stories surround us, defines us, the roots our ancestors put down, and what’s empower us, comfort us and deepen our sense of happening to us right now. compassion and connection,’ she says. ‘The act of telling These stories hold the clues to who we are. They are stories is one of the most life-affirming experiences we can linked to our identity; they speak to our sense of self. And enjoy together.’ yet, in the whitewash of privilege and patriarchy, the Previously a documentary filmmaker, Brady was stories of women – and marginalised groups – got lost. inspired to start Sister Stories by witnessing the profound While men were telling the tales of their lives, we had healing that arises when people are simply given a space to to find other ways to share the truths about who we are share. After an experimental gathering of a few women in and where we come from. We turned to what we knew, London, she has brought together hundreds – from ages had access to. Stories were told in women-only groups, in seventeen to seventy – in the UK, US, Australia, circles around the fire or the kitchen table, sung Canada, Europe and the Philippines. while we were working, sewn into ‘There is a cathartic effect [for] the tapestries, written in letters, and person who has shared their story,’ passed down from mother to “As humans, she says, ‘but also for the person daughter as bedtime tales or our sense of self is listening, who has played the beloved family recipes. inextricably linked to our precious role of witness. The ‘The truth is…we have more we hear others being been gathering for stories. The stories we tell open and candid, the more thousands of years,’ writes ourselves, and the stories we compassion we have for Anoushka Florence in her ourselves and for others.’ book The Women’s Circle: carry with us in our minds, In 2020, Brady took the How to Gather with our hearts and our bodies, circle concept into the Meaning, Intention and corporate world. Google Purpose. ‘Within the Women’s form the bedrock of Women guided more than 5,000 Circle is where we feel safe; safe our identity” women in Europe, Africa and the to explore the depths of ourselves, Middle East to discover more about safe to be seen, heard and held. We GEMMA BRADY, SISTER STORIES themselves and their colleagues in an share our stories, our fears, our hopes, our environment that showed how the stories of who we dreams, for it is in this space we remember are can bring us together. ‘It was a powerful storytelling our power.’ experience,’ she explains, ‘that connected them to their Florence runs The Goddess Space, hosting women’s ancestry and the stories of their colleagues.’ story circles and training those who wish to run their own. And no matter where the circle gathers or how these She is passionate about creating spaces for women to be stories are passed down, the tradition of the circle remains; heard and to connect with who they are, and she says not in a written form, but in our innate desire to come there is no safer space for women than in a story circle: ‘A together, to be seen and to be heard. ‘We each hold a space for you to remember who you really are – and, in sacred thread that runs through our female lineage,’ says remembering who you really are, you let go of who they Florence. ‘A thread that, if we go deep enough, will lead us told you to be.’ back to the time when our ancestors sat in a sacred circle.’ Gemma Brady, founder of Sister Stories, agrees that These threads are some of the most powerful telling our stories creates possibilities for the women connections we have to ourselves, and they help us find around us: ‘Together, we are creating a world in which the our voices. ‘It wasn’t just generational trauma that got healing power of storytelling can create deep shifts at an stored in our blood and passed along, but our resilience » individual, community and collective level.’

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and language too,’ says Daunis Fontaine, the main character in Angeline Boulley’s semiautobiographical novel Firekeeper’s Daughter. Seeking to redress an imbalance in novels featuring Native American voices, Boulley says, ‘There simply are too few stories told by and about indigenous girls and women, especially from a contemporary viewpoint. I have been shaped by a network of strong Anishinaabe Kwewag [Native American women]. My father is a traditional firekeeper, who strikes ceremonial fires at spiritual activities in the tribal community… while providing cultural teachings through stories told around the fire. He is one of my greatest teachers.’ In Boulley’s book, Daunis – who, like the author, is the daughter of a firekeeper – learns that her greatest strength is her Ojibwe culture and community, and their strong history of storytelling. By learning about her tribe’s past, Daunis comes to understand herself better, and learns the importance of passing on these stories. ‘Our elders,’ she says, ‘are our greatest resource, embodying culture, and community. Their stories connect us to our language, medicines, land, clans, songs and traditions. They are a bridge between the before and the now, guiding those of us who will carry on in the future.’

With Firekeeper’s Daughter, Boulley reminds us of the myriad ways there are to tell our stories and says that we must keep finding ways to share the truth of who we are. ‘We exist and have dynamic experiences to share beyond history books or stories set long ago.’ As Boulley shows in her novel, many of these stories are shared in groups, around a fire: powerful tales told by elders to younger generations. They are told over and over again, and each time the story feeds into the bigger picture of the culture: a larger narrative that holds the identity of a tribe, and its people, within. Brady also acknowledges how this ancestral way of sharing stories translates now. ‘Telling our stories in a community setting, as our ancestors once did, is a matter of urgency; particularly for women. It feels incredibly important to have spaces where we can engage in storytelling as a way of reconnecting to and preserving the essence of our identity.’ While many share and witness stories and legends around a fire, other women find that other places offer the quietude needed to hand down knowledge. ‘History sinks into a kitchen the way fish odours sink into your hands… it settles into a kitchen and launches spores into generations of other kitchens,’ writes Nora Seton in her

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OUR STORIES

says Hirsch, modern technology is a valuable tool. On memoir The Kitchen Congregation, which tells ‘tales from Evoke.org, a site hosted by French Gates, she explains the kitchen, the place where women congregate, how we can use the current trend of social platforms and particularly mothers and daughters’, and describes self-promotion to create a new literary space for ourselves: favourite recipes as ‘coded love messages handed down ‘I call upon you to begin sharing your voice in intentional through the generations’. and powerful ways online. Your platform might include Through recipe books and cooking together, women social media activity, a personal website, maybe even a have, for centuries, found ways to tell the stories of their newsletter. Once you have a platform, you can use it to lives through what they cook and share. Gail Andersonlift up other women’s voices.’ Dargatz’s novel The Cure for Death by Lightning uses The #MeToo movement is a perfect example of a recipes and remedies that the author’s grandmother passed powerful online narrative of women’s voices. A shortform on to her; while Laura Esquivel’s novel and recipe book story, which built a sense of collective strength and Like Water for Chocolate is sold in both the cookery and allowed the sharing of personal stories. Writes Lynn fiction sections of bookshops. The novel comprises twelve Abrams, chair in modern history at the University of chapters, each dedicated to a month of the year Glasgow: ‘The confessional culture that has and featuring a seasonal recipe that is grown up around varieties of life cooked or created at a key moment in central character Tita’s life. At “We must continue story-telling – from the chat show interview to the magazine feature the end of the novel, the family to share our and more recently via social media ranch burns down, leaving only – normalises the practice of the cookbook behind – a narratives, because narrating a life story in the public tangible way for Tita’s children they define us and domain. Women are at the fore in to learn her story. ‘Tita will go this confessional revolution, on living,’ Esquivel writes, ‘as will shape the lives writing autobiographies, engaging long as there is someone who of those who come in social media and consuming life cooks her recipes.’ after us” narratives in all their forms.’ Mothers are an enduring force Gemma Brady agrees, but urges in the world of recipes, kept alive caution in using just this medium. ‘ The through knowledge passed down to opportunity to express our stories through the daughters. In Through the Kitchen Window, internet and social media… is a great liberation,’ she says. author Sharon L. Jansen suggests that her mother’s recipes, ‘And yet, there are systematic forces still at play which infused with her own story, were an attempt to reinvent make it unsafe to tell stories publically. I’m interested in traditional discourse: ‘I realised that they were more than the act of having spaces to share stories… but in spaces ingredients and directions. They were the rich and varied which are confidential. There is a sense of safety there that compositions of a writer who had chosen her own form... feels crucial.’ my mother is a terrific writer.’ Essentially, the stories we tell matter more than the Recipes and story circles are powerful ways to connect medium. We must continue to share our narratives, with our past, and share and preserve our ‘herstories’. But because they define us and will shape the lives of those we also need to find new ways to access and protect stories who come after us. that history mutes and forgets, and to keep our voices For Hirsch, who describes herself as a ‘storyteller’ raised above the patriarchal din. The more we stay quiet, amongst other things, telling our stories is really about the less power we have. being unafraid of our own voices: ‘We need more The silencing of women’s voices, says Amanda Hirsch, women leaders in this world, and to get there, we need founder of storytelling company Mighty Forces, ‘[is] an more authentic stories about women who are already insidious tool that the patriarchy uses to keep us down. leading. This means more women finding the courage to We have no alternative. We must make it our business to step up to the plate and declare who they are – on overcome our fear of expressing ourselves.’ LinkedIn, at dinner parties, and everywhere in between. Mighty Forces helps female leaders and organisations When a woman declares who she is – who she really, – such as Melinda French Gates’s Pivotal Ventures and the truly is – it’s magnetic.’ Malala Fund – to tell their stories in impactful ways. And,

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‘Follow your inner moonlight; don’t hide the madness’

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Allen Ginsberg

BEAUTY NEWS

HEAL As s um m e r b r i ngs li ght a nd w armth, t he se ne w t r e a t s fo r your s kin c r e a t e a t r a nq ui l spa c e , w he t he r y o u’ r e ho m e o r a wa y. By Cla ire B ra y f ord

YSELF

IMAGE: UNSPLASH/EROL AHMED

THE SKIN SHIELD

Concerned about pollution and its impact on your skin? Reach for this daily serum from UK brand Wildsmith Skin. Alongside plantderived and nutrient-rich botanicals, it defends against pollution and oxidative stress with an antioxidant complex to neutralise and engulf free radicals, peptides to protect and repair, a sugar film to trap external stressors, and a protective shield for digital blue-light pollution. Your skin will feel protected and hydrated. 4D Protection Serum, £80, Wildsmith Skin

THE TINTED SERUM

Oh for the haze of a sun-drenched day and the glow of sun-kissed skin. While you daydream of getaways, capture the radiance with Rose Inc’s ‘barely there’ hydrating tinted serum. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley’s brand bridges the gap between skincare and makeup – perfect for those who prefer sheer, radiant coverage. Infused with hyaluronic acid, the serum plumps and smoothens the skin, with squalane to weightlessly hydrate. It’s a luminous way to get glowing. Skin Enhance Luminous Tinted Serum, £36, Rose Inc

THE HAIR OIL

Bringing Indian wisdom to western hair care, Fable & Mane never cease to amaze. Their weightless hair oil mist adds shine, hydration and plenty of love to sun-damaged locks. Enriched with AHA-rich red hibiscus for radiance and Indian gooseberry for vitamin C provision and UV protection, it is scented with delicious notes of jasmine and sambac. A daily must-spritz. Hair Oil Mist, £26, Fable & Mane

Imagine the scent of summer at a pagoda by the ocean; the sea breeze carrying heady notes of spiced tuberose, orange blossom and jasmine. Imagine… but even that doesn’t come close to Diptyque’s classic fragrance. To celebrate the exquisite scent, capturing the childhood memories of late cofounder Yves Coueslant, the brand’s limited edition Do Son collection feature candles, hand cream, a luxury gift set and imagery by photographer Tim Walker. It’s the fragrance to let the everyday float away. Do Son Collection candle, £60, Diptyque 70

THE NAIL

THE CANDLE

STRENGTHENER

Weak nails? Danish vegan nail care brand NailKind’s new strengthener is essential. It has bio-sourced ingredients, including bamboo extract (a natural source of silica) to restructure the nail’s keratin, plus vitamin E to protect nails against external aggressors, and AHAs to restore, rejuvenate and harden. Each coat creates a protective barrier that builds resistance to breakages. Tough Love strengthener, £9.95, Nail Kind

BEAUTY NEWS

THE SMILE BOOST

Self-care begins with oral care. It’s the foundation of holistic health and wellbeing. Swiss whitening brand vVardis was born of a desire to erase the world’s most prevalent disease, tooth decay. Combining patented technologies with clean ingredients and no abrasives, its whitening formula eliminates initial tooth decay, restores, strengthens and whitens teeth, and provides long-lasting protection without sensitivity. In short, a whitener that is good for you. Whitening Collection Oral Care Set, £157, vVardis

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< THE FOOT SPRAY

When the sun shines, we realise our feet need an MOT. Dr Barbara Sturm and luxury shoe brand Aquazzura’s spray relieves and revitalises tired, stressed, winter-bound toes. A powerful cocktail of ingredients includes witch hazel, plankton extract, hyaluronic acid, noni – a plantbased deodorising ingredient – and tetrapeptide, which soothes irritated skin and reduces redness. You’ll have a spring in your step! Foot spray, £50, Dr. Barbara Sturm

< THE EXFOLIATING SERUM

‘There is no better ingredient than lactic acid to give an immediate glow,’ says Hollywood aesthetician Shani Darden. Her exfoliating serum lets you wake up to just that. Applied overnight, the powerful yet gentle AHA and PHA cocktail supports your skin’s natural renewal. Containing hydrating hyaluronic acid, soothing aloe vera concentrate and antioxidant-rich tea extracts, it helps skin look smoother and brighter come morning. Lactic Acid Exfoliating Serum, £76, Shani Darden

BEAUTY NEWS

< THE FACECLOTH

Hypoallergenic, acne-fighting and anti-ageing, the humble facecloth has come a long way since your grandma swore by it at bedtime. Today it is as integral to skin health as your cleanser. At the pinnacle is LA brand Resorè, whose flannels are naturally antibacterial. Traditional cloths are hotbeds of bacteria, but this one’s hypoallergenic fibres stay clean and so does your skin! Face towel, £35, Resorè

THE HANDWASH

Inspired by the founder Isadora Belfort’s Brazilian upbringing, Herlum is the clean unisex bodycare brand to know. It’s vegan, free of palm oil, and made in the UK using sustainably-sourced ingredients. Isadora brings the magic of Brazilian botanicals, beginning with this sandalwood and grapefruit handwash. Calming and effective, it is enriched with murumuru butter that retains your skin’s moisture, plus coconut and antibacterial extracts. The rainforest-inspired scent is conjured from upcycled flowers, uniting woody and spicy notes of freshly sliced grapefruit and c reamy sandalwood. Handwash, £29, Herlum

THE SKINCARE

THE FRAGRANCE

Eco-consciousness is high on the beauty agenda. Ex Nihilo, with fragrances made from sustainable and advanced ingredients, is one of the most talked-about new perfume houses. Its latest scent, Lust in Paradise, will whisk you to the French Riviera, with white peonies, tiaré flower, bergamot and fresh notes of lychee. Lust in Paradise Riviera Eau de Parfum, £110, Ex Nihilo

IMAGES: PEXELS/DMITRY GANIN / SHUTTERSTOCK

Created by artist and producer Alicia Keys and dermatologist Dr. Renée Snyder, clean skincare brand Keys Soulcare’s illuminating, complexionpriming serum promises to help you radiate confidence. The vegan formula is bursting with antioxidant-rich rosewater to replenish dry, dull skin, and niacinamide to brighten and balance. And each package features a soulempowering affirmation. Let Me Glow Illuminating Serum, £25, Keys Soulcare

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‘You must not be afraid of your uniqueness and you must care less and less what people think of you’

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Robert Greene

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PA U S E F O R T H O U G H T

Uncovering your emotional identit y IMAGE: UNSPLASH/CAROLINE VERONEZ

One of life’ s gre ate st tra ge di e s i s lo si ng yo ur se nse o f se lf a nd b ecom ing a ve rs ion of yourse lf t ha t i s o nly a c c e pt a b le t o o t he r s, sa ys D r As m a N ahe e d

ecoming confident about who you are is not easy. Building a solid sense of self is a lifelong journey. It’s about figuring out who you are and what you value. But it is particularly hard to know yourself in a culture that sends endless messages about who we should be and what we should think. Distinguishing between our needs and others’ expectations is tough, as is finding our voice amid many dominant ideas and opinions. To know ourselves and others, we must learn how to hold on to our values, beliefs and truths. Make choices for our life instead of looking to others to make decisions for us. Are you tired of wishing you had the strength to say no? Overwhelmed by living the life that others expect? Wishing you didn’t have to work so hard for approval? You need to learn to express yourself with an authentic sense of self-awareness.

THIS IS HOW TO GET STARTED: l Look within Separate yourself from your surroundings and be conscious of your identity. Before making life-altering decisions, figure out your needs and wants. Self-aware people are the best decision-makers. l Connect with yourself Stay in contact with yourself. Be a silent, nonjudgmental observer of yourself. When a situation occurs, don’t react immediately. Take a step 76

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back and consider your process, thoughts and feelings. l See challenges as an opportunity to know yourself Difficult experiences may be hidden treasures. l Consider the facts In every situation, work hard to balance your feelings with your logical mind. l Sit with discomfort Practise the patience to not satisfy your desires right away. l Think about your values Participate in conversations, but don’t compromise your values – and don’t force them on others. l Identify your true intentions and build your life accordingly. See challenges, situations and people as opportunities to express who you are, who you want to be, and how you want to realise your true self.

Dr Asma Naheed PhD is an educational psychologist and life coach who specialises in therapeutic and behaviour management

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STORY OF

WISDOM

Light in the dark A c las sic tale fro m Buddhi sm o n t he i m po r t a nc e o f finding our o wn t r ut h a nd m e a ni ng

A father and son sit in a dark room. The son says, ‘Father, I am afraid of this darkness. How can we remove it?’ ‘Light the candle, son.’ The boy lights the candle. ‘Ah, now the darkness is gone, is it not, father?’ ‘Yes, son.’ The son blows out the candle. ‘Oh, it is again dark, father. I am afraid.’ ‘Light the candle, son.’ The boy lights the candle again. ‘Ah, now the darkness is gone.’ He lights and blows out the candle several times. ‘Son, so long as there is darkness, you should keep the candle burning,’ the father tells him. ‘If you blow it out, the darkness will envelop you. ‘But when the sun rises, you need the candle no more. You get light throughout the day from the supreme light of the universe.’

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‘When the sun rises, you need the candle no more’

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U N B RO K E N

Stronger than I seem Be lie ving in yourse lf st a r t s wi t h a c c e pt a nc e , ho ne st y a nd c om pas sio n, sa ys N aj l a Al Te n ai j i

‘

ne day you’re going to wake up and want to try!’ said my mum, after I’d screamed another list of things I couldn’t do at her. I was always adding to a catalogue of false excuses for why I couldn’t be independent. Tiring myself out for something beyond my control was exhausting and made zero sense to me. So I didn’t try. But the real reason that I couldn’t do anything for myself was simple: I was terrified of failure and had convinced myself that my disability rendered me worthless by definition. I could try. I just didn’t want to. I used my trauma as a get-out clause whenever it suited me. Disability fostered my toxic ideology: lazy, unsociable, angry, irresponsible, mistrustful and suspicious. If it worked in my favour, I was happy to define myself as a disabled person. But after receiving my recovery team’s evaluation, I realized that I was making progress but not accepting reality. I had to change something – or, rather, someone. Don’t think for a moment that I had a ‘Eureka!’ moment, or that suddenly everything looked rosy. The relationship between me and my disability took years to collapse, reshape and rebuild. And you know what? I’m still working on it, and I probably won’t finish it. But the difference is that when problems within my control sneak up, I’m able to manage them. I’ll never get rid of them altogether, but that’s okay. We’re all human. We make mistakes, we struggle and sometimes we don’t like ourselves, but we navigate those difficult times. So, instead of failing, I was brave. Instead of not being able to do it, I tried it. Instead of being ignorant, I learned. I grew up. Because punishing yourself for something beyond your control is exhausting and meaningless.

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‘Self-acceptance is still painful for me, but it was the only solution for my growth.’

Self-acceptance is still painful for me, but it was the only solution for my growth. I had to face myself and my disability head-on. If I wanted to, I could have hated myself for being disabled forever. But that didn’t get me anywhere. So I made mistakes, learned from them, and made them again before I started to appreciate my abilities. And by focusing on my abilities rather than obstacles, I changed my view of myself. Yes, there are things we can’t do and things we can do, but why not focus on the latter? See your struggle as a means to success and your life may change forever.

Najla Al Tenajii suffered a lifechanging injury in 1999 and has since been using her recovery to inspire others through their own journeys

‘About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won’t like you at all’ IMAGE: UNSPLASH/SOBHAN JOODI

Rita Mae Brown

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God ’ s name Ar-rafi

The Elevating One The Exalter