Kintsugi Issue 4 - Winter 2019

WINTER - ISSUE 4

Art · Culture Fashion · Beauty Travel · Self

Contents 11

5

Five apps for… self-care

Living in Balance Health is not everything, but everything is nothing without health.’ Al Reem Al Tenaiji explores the most basic of human needs, and how we have approached it over the years

A calmer, happier, healthier you is just a few taps away with these helpful apps…

13

7

A Moment of Calm How do we achieve stillness in a world that grows more unpredictable by the day? Finding a moment of calm is a good place to start says author Linnea Dunne

The Mindful Five Weighted blankets, cosy lights, and ted talks to keep you mindful this season

20

9

The Kintsugi Guide to Sleep

Winter Reading List From life lessons from ‘the wrong end of medicine’ to extraordinary autobiographies, these are the books we are curling up with this winter...

Tips and tricks to help you nod off this season

23 17

The Big Sleep

Sleep is vital for our wellbeing and mental health. But why do so many of us struggle with getting enough? Anne Yazar explores how to get more of what we need

Self-care for the Real World With fans including Reese Witherspoon, Kate Moss and Sienna Miller, sisters Nadia Narain and Katia Narain Phillips are on a mission to turn self-care from a hashtag into a new way of life. By Elle Blakeman

27

The Kintsugi Winter Beauty Edit Relax and reset with our pick of this season’s most pampering products

29

Beat the Winter Blues Seasonal Affective Disorder, also known as the ‘winter blues’, is thought to affect millions of people but there are things we can do to help says Sian Ranscombe

1

33

The Beauty of Winter Author Beth Kempton celebrates Wabi Sabi – Japaense wisdom for a perfectly imperfect life

37

The Storyteller For Paris-based, by appointment only jewellery designer Édéenne, the pieces we wear should tell a tale of our lives and loves. Here, she talks to Claire Brayford about ignoring convention and finding out who you really are

39

The Power of No Saying ‘yes’ too often is a sure-fire recipe for burnout. So why do many of us struggle to say ‘no’? Alice Cox explains why we need to stop people-pleasing and put ourselves at the top of our to-do lists

43

The Journey Emma Johnson discovers the beauty of the modern pilgrimage - a new kind of spiritual journey, that is less about connecting ourselves with God and more about connecting us with ourselves

53

Going it Alone Guided meditation apps have sold themselves as the way to Zen for modern women. But what happens when you decide to break up and go it alone?

55

47

How to switch off and take back control of your practice

To be human is to be part of nature says expert Rachel Corby. Here we look at the growing demand for ‘rewilding retreats’, and how reconnecting with nature actually helps you to reconnect with yourself

Meditating without guidance

57

The Wild Connection

Notes from the past Embrace the healing power of music with the ancient Solfeggio frequencies. By Karol Jankowiak of Attuned Vibrations

59

Story of Wisdom The Seven Wonders of the World

61

Ar-Rashid The director to the right way

63

Unbroken Our columnist Najla Al Tenaiji on life with disability

65

Set Directions not Goals Our columnist Dr Asma Naheed explains why we must always consider our direction as much as the end result

Editor-in-Chief Al Reem Al Tenaiji Managing Editor Dr Asma Naheed Editor Elle Blakeman Editorial Assistant Paris Starr Creative Director Rosemary Macgregor Sub Editor Bruno MacDonald

2

From the editor...

W

hen I began planning Kintsugi magazine, almost a year ago to the day, I called a meeting with my team to discuss how often to release a new edition. What would be helpful for our busy, accomplished Kintsugi readers, and would help empower them, without adding yet another thing to their to-do list?

That our magazine is timed with, and named for, the seasons is no accident. I truly believe that we must honour nature, and work with the ebb and flow of the seasons, to live our best lives.

Today’s world has little regard for living seasonally. We are told to go faster, faster, ever onwards. To get up at the same time all year, no matter what the sun is doing.

To answer our emails at unnatural hours. To leave the house and return in the pitch-dark with no change in our behaviour from the long heady days of summer to the depths of winter.

We don’t expect flowers to bloom all year. Yet somehow we have bought into the culture of overriding nature and all her cues. But Mother Nature knows what she is doing and we ignore her at our peril.

Winter is a time of rest, of regeneration and renewal, before spring wakes us from our much-needed slumber.

It is not weak to need rest: no one is capable of firing on all cylinders all of the time.

And while women are excellent at so many things, not least caring for others, self-care is often low on our list.

At best, it’s something that can wait. At worst, it’s selfish – something to be avoided.

This is so wrong. Every airline tells you to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. This is not because helping others isn’t important, but because it is essential to look after yourself in order to have anything to give to others. As His Holiness the Dalai Lama says, ‘If you do not take care of yourself, you are not qualified to take care of anyone else.’

You cannot pour from an empty cup. And so we have dedicated this winter issue to the art – indeed the joy – of true self-care. We speak to author Rachel Corby, who argues that losing our connection with nature means fundamentally losing our connection with ourselves.

In our feature The Wild Connection, she makes an impassioned plea for women to redress the balance between the modern and natural worlds.

Two women who have made spreading the joy of

3

self-care their mission are sisters Nadia Narain and Katia Narain Phillips. A yogi and nutrition expert, respectively, they have amassed a combined near-fifty years in the wellness industry. Having pooled their years of knowledge into a practical, helpful book – self-care for the real world, beloved of everyone from Kate Moss to Reese Witherspoon – they are preparing to launch an online course in January. We speak to the enlightened duo about why self-care should be first on our to-do list.

One way we all do self-care a disservice is by saying ‘yes’ too often. We lower our boundaries because someone needs us, at the expense of our own needs. In our feature The Power of No we look at just how much it costs to be a ‘yes person’ and why you should aim to say ‘no’ a lot more.

We also have beautiful features by two of our favourite authors. Linnea Dunne writes on the importance of rituals in our daily lives, and Beth Kempton explains the beguiling Japanese concept of wabi sabi – winter being the perfect time to stop and appreciate it.

And for those not getting enough sleep – another vital element of self-care – Anne Yazar talks to experts to explore just how essential proper rest really is, and how we can get more of it.

We hope you enjoy the issue and that incorporating even just one of these ideas will have a positive impact

on your life – and those closest to you. For me, the issue is perfectly summed up by Nadia Narain’s advice for her younger self: ‘We are enough, we are good enough, we are more than enough. Stop comparing yourself and learn to like yourself. You got to live with you, your whole life! Get to know her well, and be kind to her!’ What a beautiful world that would be.

From left: Dress, from a selection, Liberty. Black Velvet Point-Toe Pumps with Crystal Mix Necklace Detail, £1,050, Jimmy Choo. Bag, from a selection, Gabriela Hearst. Ring, from a selection, Dior. Earrings, from a selection, AMALFI by ALINKA Fine Jewellery. Inspirations and Ideas notebook, £45, Smythson. Eye mask, £75, Olivia von Halle

4

Living in balance ‘Health is not everything, but everything is nothing without health.’ Al Reem Al Tenaiji explores the most basic of human needs, and how we have approached it over the years

C

onfucius said, ‘It does not matter how slowly you go, as long as you do not stop.’ Motivation is the driving force behind everything we do; continuous progress always reflects at least some level of drive behind it.

According to humanistic psychologist Abraham Maslow, our actions are motivated in order to fulfil certain needs. Some of these needs naturally take precedence over others. Only once our basic needs for safely and physical survival are fulfilled can we move up a level to the more cognitive of needs: self-esteem, aesthetics and finally – hopefully – transcendence.

So what does this mean for our lives? Essentially that we must solve issues in our lives one by one, starting with our health. As the great Indian spiritual advisor Swamiji cleverly noted, ‘Health is not everything, but everything is nothing without health.’

There is no written historical record of how, when or where disease began. In ancient times, healing methods consisted of religious rites, ceremonies and special formulas that brought forth the mysterious, miraculous powers of deities and other supernatural beings. The healing theme centered around the idea of expelling the

unseen, malicious forces that caused disease. Appeals were made to the gods for the cure to disease.

The Greeks looked to the power of the gods for healing, using customary rituals, hymns of praise, prayers and sacrifice. That healing power was transmitted by simple divine presence, by the laying-on of hands, through some sacred relic, or through the medium of a priest, priestess or sacred animal.

The Egyptians assumed that the body was divided into thirty-six parts, each under the sway of a certain god. There is no limb without a god. Interestingly, in manuscripts dating back to the twelfth dynasty, it was the stated duty of the pharaohs to maintain the health of their subjects. Health has long been an essential need for humans and belief was an integral part of the ancient healing arts.

The learning of the virtues and attributes of the gods activated healing powers within the patients, leading to the earliest definite knowledge of medicine.

Whether it was the Egyptians, the Greeks, or other ancient civilisation, they understood the importance of stimulating the patient’s own healing energies. Or, simply, trusting the body to heal itself.

According to religious studies, man was created

in a triune: body, soul, and spirit as one. The body is the physical part. The soul and spirit are the spiritual elements, which enable us to act, think, feel, react emotionally, and spiritually respond to God. Originally, each part of this triune was in harmony with the other two, and the entire triune of man was in harmony with God. There is an important place today for the theories of healing utilised by ancient civilizations. The mind and body have not changed significantly in the last few thousand years – only the manner in which we view and utilise this relationship.

Modern holistic medicine is a form of healing that considers the whole person – body, mind, spirit and emotions – in the quest for optimal health and wellness. According to holistic philosophy, one can achieve optimal health, the primary goal of all medicinal practice, by gaining proper balance in life.

Practitioners believe that the whole person is made up of interdependent parts and, if one part is not working properly, all the other parts will be affected. If people have imbalances – physical, emotional or spiritual – in their lives, it can negatively affect their overall health.

I believe that, in the modern world, wellness is the new luxury, and that the health of your body is only as good as that of your mind and soul.

6

The

Mindful 5 Weighted blankets, cosy lights, and ted talks to keep you mindful this season

TED TALK:

SELF-CARE FOR THE REAL WORLD

The importance of self-care Psychologist and author, Guy Winch, asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health. ‘Too many of us deal with common psychological-health issues on our own, says Winch. In this engaging Ted talk, Winch explores how to heal from common heartaches and offers practical, non-judgemental advice for something we could all get better at.

OLVERUM BATH OIL -

-

After decades in the health and wellbeing world, sisters Nadia and Katia know a thing or two about filling your own cup first. In this practical, nonpreachy guide, they share their knowledge with generosity and kindness.

Self-care for the real world, £11.45, Amazon

THE GLOW LIGHT -

Turn a simple bath into a immersive, self-care ritual with a few drops of this powerful bath oil. Essential oils of lemon, pine, eucalyptus, lavender and verbena will transform your bathroom into a spa, soothing busy minds and providing instant relief for dry winter skin.

Dark winter mornings can make rising early a challenge. This clever light from sleep experts Casper will help you to create your own sunrise and sunset.

Wake to soft light gradually filling the room and later set the alarm to dim slowly to send cues to your body that it is time to rest. You can even pick it up and use as a torch.

Olverum Bath Oil, £35, Olverum

The Glow Light, £109, Casper

SUMO SLEEP

A natural way to calm stressed minds and improve sleep, this chic weighted blanket is one of the best we’ve tried. With fine glass beads sewn evenly into the blanket, the blanket offers ‘Deep Pressure Therapy’, a gentle, evenly distributed pressure which mimics the sensations of being held or swaddled and has been proven to significantly improve anxiety.

7

The Sumo Weighted Blanket, from £149, Sumo Sleep

The

Reading List From life lessons from ‘the wrong end of medicine’ to extraordinary autobiographies, these are the books we are curling up with this winter...

1. 33 MEDITATIONS ON DEATH: NOTES FROM THE WRONG END OF MEDICINE DR DAVID JARRETT

MADELEINE OLIVIA

What is a good death? How would you choose to live your last few months? How do we best care for the rising tide of very elderly? After 30 years of treating the elderly, Dr David Jarrett knows a thing or two about ‘the seventh age of man’.

In this groundbreaking and heart-warming book, he draws on stories and case histories from his work and reflects on all the conversations that we, our parents, our children, our government and society as a whole should be having.

How to deal with the climate crisis has become one of the defining issues of our time, but it can be overwhelming, something no one understands better than blogger and YouTuber Madeleine Olivia. With an approachable nature Olivia explores how to declutter your life of excess, reduce waste and consumption and find deeper meaning in the everyday. From eating seasonally to making your own cleaning and beauty products, this books offers cheerful tips for all areas of life.

3. GRAND UNION ZADIE SMITH

Known for her pitch-perfect dialogue, razor sharp timing and rich, flawed characters, author Zadie Smith can turn her hand to virtually any part of the human condition. In Grand Union, her first-ever collection of stories, the /White Teeth/ author weaves tale after tale of vastly different lives lived all other the world. With everything from political unrest and moral panic to ‘cancelled’ people, Grand Union is a sharp collection about time and place, identity and rebirth and the futures that lay before us.

9

2. MINIMAL: HOW TO SIMPLIFY YOUR LIFE AND LIVE SUSTAINABLY

4. I AM AN ISLAND TAMSIN CALIDAS

Disenchanted by London, Tamsin and her husband leave the city and high-flying careers to move the 500 miles north to a remote island in the Scottish Hebrides. While idyllic, for a time, when the children they longed for fail to materialise, and her marriage breaks down and Tamsin finds herself in ever-increasing isolation. Broken, poor and without friends or family to prop her up, Tamsin must learn to start all over again.

Startling, raw and extremely moving, I Am An Island is a story about the incredible ability of the natural world to provide when everything else has fallen away – a stunning book about solitude, friendship, resilience and self-discovery.

8. THE ILLNESS LESSON 5. RADICAL COMPASSION: LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF AND YOUR WORLD WITH THE PRACTICE OF RAIN TARA BRACH

A teacher of mindfulness, meditation, emotional healing, and spiritual awakening, author and podcaster Tara Brach is known all over the world for her healing work. In her latest book, she argues that today’s ever-increasing onslaught of news, conflict, demands, and stresses leave us rushing around on auto-pilot and cut off from the creativity that give our lives meaning, and provides practical advice for dealing with feelings of overwhelm, loss and past trauma, finding the deep wisdom within us all.

6. LOST DOG – A LOVE STORY

CLARE BEAMS

This carefully crafted work of fiction is set in Ashwell, Massachusetts in 1871, yet the themes of power over women’s bodies and minds feels as relevant as ever. Farmer and philosopher Samuel Hood starts a school for young women in order to guide their intellectual development as he guided his daughter Caroline’s. Despite Caroline’s misgivings, Samuel’s vision takes shape, however, it’s not long before the students begin to manifest bizarre symptoms of rashes, fits, headaches, verbal tics, night wanderings. In desperation, the school turns to the ministering of a sinister physician – based on a real historic treatment – and as the girls’ conditions worsens, long-buried secrets emerge, and Caroline must confront the all-male, all-knowing authorities around her, the ones who insist the voices of the sufferers are unreliable. With vivid prose and searing insight, The Illness lesson will stay with you long after the final page.

9. THE THINGS WE LEFT UNSAID

KATE SPICER

EMMA KENNEDY

A brilliant, life-affirming memoir by the London-based journalist Kate Spicer, Lost Dog is the true story of how a middle-aged woman adopts a shabby rescue dog, before losing him on the streets of London and going to extraordinary lengths to find him again. Trying to find her dog tests her relationship, and her sanity, to its limits – and gets her thinking about her life, and why things have turned out as they have for her, a book like no other about both about the myth of modern womanhood.

Rachel’s relationship with her mother Eleanor has always been far from perfect. Eleanor is a renowned artist forged in the swinging sixties, and Rachel has forever lived in the shadow of her success. When Rachel is left by her fiancé on the morning of their wedding, she has no choice but to move back into her family home and spend an unbearably hot summer with a mother she feels distant from – in the presence of many painful memories. It will take a crushing turn of events before Rachel realises that sometimes the past holds exactly the comfort we need. And that behind the words left unsaid are untold stories that have the power to define us. Thoughtful, emotional with moments of pure joy, this incredibly moving tale lays bare complex nature of the mother-daughter bond.

7. MY WILD AND SLEEPLESS NIGHTS CLOVER STROUD

Journalist, author and mother of five, Clover Stroud has navigated family life across two decades, both losing and finding herself. In this touching, provocative and profoundly insightful book, she examines what it means to be a mother, and reveals with unflinching honesty the many conflicting emotions that this entails: the joy and the wonder, the loneliness and despair.

10. MOTHERWELL A GIRLHOOD BY DEBORAH ORR

In this poignant, beautifully told memoir the late journalist Deborah Orr tells her tale of childhood and how she left the working-class town she was born into, along with a mother who wanted her to stay, for University and a life far beyond of what was expected of her. Unflinchingly honest, Motherwell deals with issues of class, family and the sacrifice that comes with opportunity. A triumph of autobiographical writing.

10

Five Apps ‌for self-care A calmer, happier, healthier you is just a few taps away with these helpful apps‌

1 HAPPIFY Tackle negative emotions and stress in real time with this science-based app, bursting with bitesized games, mindfulness activities and quizzes designed to help you feel happier and calmer.

Regular use reminds us that happiness is a skill, one we can practice and cultivate to improve our lives and those around us.

2

3

BUILD CONFIDENCE

GRATEFUL

Offering insightful tools for self-confidence, this app by relaxation specialist Andrew Johnson is the perfect antidote to the little voice in your head that says you can’t do something. With regular practice, you will soon learn to pay more attention to the positive things in your life and give less thought to the negative ones.

4

SeIf comparison is the thief of joy, then gratitude is the way to get it back. Study after study has confirmed the benefits of writing a gratitude journal but it’s often the first thing to go when we are busy. This prompt-based gratitude journal asks meaningful questions to make you stop and appreciate what you have, it is a great way to inject some positivity into your daily life.

5

MOMENT

C A LM

Ironically this app will help you to keep an eye on your phone usage, providing a detailed breakdown on where you’re spending your time. As with anything awareness provides an opportunity to take stock and decide if you really want to be dedicating so many hours to certain social media sites or clothes shopping each day – a good wakeup call for those who need it.

One of the best apps for sleep, meditation and relaxation, this mindfulness app provides everything from a moment of sanity in the middle of a busy day to a soothing bedtime story read by the likes of Matthew Mcconaughey and Joanna Lumley.

With topics including managing stress, happiness, forgiveness and more it’s the perfect app for those new to the world of mediation.

12

A moment of calm How do we achieve stillness in a world that grows more unpredictable by the day?

Finding a moment of calm is a good place to start, writes author Linnea Dunne

S

ome people call me a control freak. They’re not wrong. But as a woman pushing forty, a mother of two young children, and a writer with a busy freelance career who’s recently bought and renovated a house, I’m not alone. Clinging to a sense of control, however superficial, has become one of our generation’s favourite ways to manage an ever-growing list of things we should be and do: climb career ladders, decorate

13

our homes beautifully, raise our children to be happy and confident but also conscious and responsible, feed them well (ideally all organic), exercise and spend time in nature, be present with our children, be present with our partners, contribute to the local community, save the planet – the list goes on.

The problem, of course, is that it’s all an illusion.

Most of us know it but don’t want to accept it. Life will never be predictable; we’ll always need to deal with

curveballs. And while systems provide a sense of control that can help comfort us momentarily, they often have the opposite effect – because we’ll always be proven wrong sooner or later. Just as we smugly tick off an item on our to-do list, an unexpected call or unaccountedfor delay slaps us in the face, and the entire plan crumbles.

So how can we find security and focus in a world that gets more unpredictable by the day?

LAGOM My husband, an artist and creative, meditates every morning; when he doesn’t, it shows. When I went away on a work trip, the colleague I was sharing an Airbnb apartment with did the same, along with yoga stretches and a glass of warm lemon water. It struck me that people I know who aim to live life consciously but openly have this thing in common: they start every day the same way. As do Michelle Obama, Arianna Huffington and a long list of successful, inspiring women.

Sure enough, I did too. I checked my diary and to-do list and embarked on an unconsciously created routine of rushed porridge and children’s-teeth-brushing and thrown-together school bags – yet the predictability of our mornings never provided a sense of calm.

My first book – Lagom: the Swedish art of balanced living – is about the Swedish concept lagom: a state of balance, when something is just right – not too little, not too much. When I set out to find out more about the habit of daily morning rituals, I came across another uniquely Swedish concept: gökotta.

Gökmeans cuckoo, otta early morning. Gökotta is all about rising at dawn to listen to the first birdsong.

A century ago, in rural Sweden, village communities would gather in nature, sometimes straight after mass, other times with a flask of coffee, and just be together and listen. I found the idea of beginning the day in nature, listening to birdsong, very calming indeed.

What’s changed since the early 1900s is not just the length of our to-do lists and the expectations on mothers, but also the units and communities in which we live. Popping outside with the neighbours for a chilled hour of gökotta isn’t an option for most of us.

Enter the personalised morning ritual: a way to curate your morning to set you up for the day in the best way possible. It has a predictability that you can rely on, without the false promise of control. This is what my second book – Good Mornings: morning rituals for wellness, peace and purpose – is about.

GOOD MORNINGS For some, the word ‘ritual’ has an off-putting ring, but most of us rely on rituals in our daily lives without even realising it. Some repeat the words to their children night after night to help them relax and settle into a cosy sleep. Many of us have habits for centering ourselves before presentations and important meetings, and most follow a ritualistic pattern when it comes to birthdays, festive traditions, sports games and other important events. We find comfort in rituals, in these moments of conscious presence we can control. They ground us and help us face the unpredictable and uncontrollable.

Why the morning? As a night owl, I’ve only recently discovered the serene stillness of the early hours – the magic of those moments before the day unfolds. Rarely do your thoughts and feelings enjoy the same kind of space that they get during a moment to yourself before the city wakes up.

More than that, there’s no doubt that morning sets the tone for the hours ahead. Starting the day stressed, snapping at your children, brings about not just spiking cortisol levels but a vicious cycle of guilt and negative thinking. Imagine instead starting your day by breathing while stretching on a yoga mat, or curling up in your favourite armchair with a notebook, writing about your goals and dreams.

Once a control freak, always a control freak.

I’m not naïve enough to think that I can change that fundamentally, and perhaps this trait is a curse of our times. But I am learning to pivot. I’ve come to realise that controlling behaviours and morning rituals are reactions to the need to cope with the unpredictability of life, and the desire to do so gracefully. We can control very little other than the way we react to things.

Allowing time and space to reflect on how we feel, to acknowledge our fears and anxieties, and to start the day by showing ourselves love and patience, can change in very real ways how we react when the unpredictable happens. It all starts with a moment of calm.

Try these simple morning rituals Make a cup of herbal tea or a glass of warm lemon water; grab your favourite pen and a notebook; and list three things for which you are grateful.

• Try the in-bed yoga sequence from Good mornings: morning rituals for wellness, peace and purpose. Or find a short morning yoga session on YouTube and begin your day on the mat.

• Start the day with a few minutes of dry brushing to get the blood circulation going. Then shower and, finally, gently treat your skin with a drop of your favourite essential oil.

Good Mornings: Morning rituals for wellness, peace and purpose and Lagom: The Swedish art of balanced living by Linnea Dunne are both out now.

10

‘Know that one day your pain will become your cure.’

– Rumi

15

The

Big Sleep Sleep is vital for our wellbeing and mental health.

But why do so many of us struggle with getting enough?

Anne Yazar takes a look at why you can’t sleep – and how you can change

S

leep is a human imperative. Without it, we die (after about eleven days, according to Scientific American, which states that this is the longest a human has gone without sleep). In his book Why We Sleep, professor Mathew Walker lists an impressive number of reasons to hit the hay. Sleep, he says, ‘enhances your memory, makes you more attractive.

It keeps you slim and lowers food cravings. It protects you from cancer and dementia. It wards off colds and flu. It lowers your risk of heart attacks and stroke, not to mention diabetes. You’ll even feel happier, less depressed, and less anxious.’

Armed with decades of research, Walker is evangelical

17

about sleep. His passion is not misplaced: sleep has been proven over and over again to be beneficial to body and mind. And the impact of not getting enough can be profound. After a poor night’s sleep, we are physically exhausted and liable to suffer from a suppressed immune system, hypertension and obesity. And, owing to an underfunctioning metabolism and reduced blood flow in areas of the brain, our capacity to do basic mental tasks is impaired – something that can be remedied only by sleep. ‘Each hour of sleep lost per night is associated with a temporary loss of one IQ point,’ explains Lisa Artis, advisor for The Sleep Council. ‘Chronic sleep debt can have a seriously damaging effect on our mental and physical health.’

- SLEEP ON IT For women, sleep problems can be even more severe. They are more likely than men to have difficulty falling and staying asleep. And due to stress, worry and hormones, they also experience more daytime sleepiness. In addition, says Artis, women work their brains harder than men, and need more sleep as a result. Women, she notes, ‘particularly work the part of the brain called the cerebral cortex – responsible for intelligence, language, memory and consciousness – because, unlike men, they switch from one task to another.’

It’s not just about sleeping, but about the right kind of sleeping. One of the reasons new parents report sleep deprivation is not because they aren’t getting any sleep – they are – but because they aren’t getting enough of the kind they need.

We go through four stages a night: three of NREM (non-REM) sleep and one of REM sleep. We cycle through these stages every ninety minutes or so, throughout the night. The first two NREM stages slow our breathing and prepare us for the truly restorative stage of sleep. The next NREM stage is regenerative, during which our bodies heal and repair themselves. That’s followed by the REM stage: the deepest, longest and most restorative stage, and

the time when we dream.

What happens during REM sleep is important. As British sleep expert and hypnoptherapist Lucy Brown explains it, each day we collect worries, concerns, stresses, doubts, problems and challenges. All of these are added to our brains, and put into a sort of ‘stress bucket’ to be processed and worked through.

During REM sleep, we work through these stresses – filtering them out, filing them away, addressing some, making peace with others. That’s why the phrase ‘sleep on it’ is so powerful and so true. And that’s why things often do seem better in the morning.

If we have just a few concerns in our ‘stress bucket’, we can take on more; a work report doesn’t worry us that much, a broken vase doesn’t really upset us. But if our stress bucket is full, or overflowing, and we cannot empty it through REM sleep, something as small as a broken vase or a work report can be impossible to process. And so we get stressed, angry and worried. And that can, in turn, push us over the edge, leading to anxiety, feeling overwhelmed and even breakdowns. We need REM sleep every single night to allow us to process the challenges of our daily lives. If we don’t get it, our ability to cope begins to break down.

18

‘We are in the midst of a sleep deprivation crisis, with profound consequences to our health, our job performance, our relationships and our happiness,’ says Arianna Huffington in her book /The Sleep Revolution/. ‘What we need is nothing short of a sleep revolution: only by renewing our relationship with sleep can we take back control of our lives.’

Huffington became interested in the science of sleep when she collapsed from sleep deprivation and exhaustion. She broke her cheekbone in the process and awoke in a pool of blood on a cold bathroom floor – a wake-up call if ever there was one. Realising that something needed to change, she began to research the importance of rest and has since become

an advocate for better sleep health. ‘The way to a more productive, more inspired, more joyful life is in getting enough sleep,’ she told a TED audience in 2010.

So what is keeping us all awake? Culture plays a big part. We are a generation of exhausted people, working harder and sleeping less. Just as presenteeism is becoming an all too unpleasant characteristic of the workplace, our failure to be responsible for our sleep needs is on the rise too. If anything, a lack of rest has become a badge of honour. ‘There is now a kind of sleep deprivation one-upmanship,’ says Huffington. ‘If you try to make a breakfast date, and you say, “How about eight o’clock?” they’re likely to tell you, “Eight

o’clock is too late for me, but that’s okay, I can get a game of tennis in and do a few conference calls and meet you at eight.” And they think that means they are so incredibly busy and productive, but the truth is they’re not. Because we, at the moment, have brilliant leaders in business, in finance, in politics, making terrible decisions.’

We go to bed too late, rise too early, and overstimulate and exhaust ourselves in the process. As Dr Walker sagely notes, midnight is no longer ‘mid night’ but somewhere around the point you check your email for the last time before you think about going to bed. ‘Compounding the problem, we do not then sleep any longer into the morning hours to accommodate these later sleep-onset times,’ he says.

‘We cannot. Our circadian biology, and the insatiable early-morning demands of a post-industrial way of life, deny us the sleep we vitally need.’

- A NEW DAWN But the tide is turning. A greater understanding of the importance of sleep ensures that we are starting to give it the time – literally – that it deserves. Athletes, business owners, celebrities and wellbeing gurus promote its importance. For her part, Huffington refers to what she calls ‘the golden age of sleep science’: ‘The good news is that there’s a much greater awareness about the risks of sleep deprivation and the importance of sleep. And we are seeing a huge response from millennials and people in the workplace.’

The introduction of aids such as sleep-tracking apps and meditative stories, coupled with the rise of weighted blankets and anti-blue-light settings on phones, means anyone at home can start to improve their sleep. Workplace culture is changing too, with the introduction of dedicated nap rooms, an increase in flexible work hours and remote working, and considerations for wellbeing and mental health written more openly into company manifestos.

And so the time is most definitely now. ‘I urge you to shut your eyes,’ says Huffington, ‘and discover the great ideas that lie inside us – shutting off your engines and discovering the power of sleep.’break down.

19

The Kintsugi Guide to Sleep The key to sleeping well is having a good relationship with rest.

If we respect the importance of sleep, and commit to making time for it, getting what we need becomes easier.

SCHEDULE YOUR SLEEP Sleep at the same time every night. Most adults need between seven and nine hours, although Dr Chris Winter, author of The Sleep Solution, cautions that it is different for everyone. ‘Research says six to seven is fine for many people,’ he explains – so take the time to learn what you need and work from there.

Crucially, your sleep should occur between the same hours each night. A strict routine of bedtimes and wakeup times helps to program the body to sleep better and can help with insomnia and frequent walking IT’S ALL ABOUT THE BED The most important factor in a good night’s sleep is a good bed. Sleep expert Dr Chris Idzikowski identified that people on an uncomfortable bed may lose up to an hour of rest.

‘A bed with the correct support, comfort and space will ensure you wake less, move about less, are less disturbed by your partner and are less likely to wake up feeling tired or aching,’ notes Artis. ‘Make sure you use adequate bedclothes and supportive pillows too. If you’re not comfortable, your sleep won’t be as deep.’ Consider using a weighted blanket, which has been proven to encourage a deeper sleep and reduced anxiety in light or troubled sleepers.

MAKE THE TIME Treat your sleeping hours as you would your working hours, a yoga class, a meeting, a date with a friend.

Schedule them in your diary, and stick to them. This helps send a clear message of intent to yourself.

Consider those hours sacrosanct: making time for them and sticking to them are as non-negotiable as doing the school run or being on time for work.

‘One tip I often share with people is to think of sleep as an appointment with themselves,’ says Huffington. ‘[That] way, we’re far more likely to see its value and treat it as a priority.’

WAKE WELL Remember to respect the process in the morning.

Allow yourself time to wake, at your allotted hour, and resist the urge to instantly turn on lights or check your phone. ‘A big part of my ritual is about what I don’t do,’ says Huffington. ‘When I wake up, I don’t start the day by looking at my smartphone. Instead, I take a minute to breathe deeply, be grateful, and set my intention for the day.’ This ensures a positive start to a day, from which a good night will flow.

‘My single most important piece of advice for sleeping well is to pick a wake-up time and stick to it,’ adds Dr Winter. ‘Routine lets the brain know what’s coming. It loves consistency. Add some exercise outside, first thing in the morning, to begin a great bedtime routine.’which has been proven to encourage a deeper sleep and reduced anxiety in light or troubled sleepers.

SLEEP POSITIVITE Your state of mind matters. ‘I love the idea of rekindling the romance with sleep,’ Huffington wrote in her book. Dr Winter agrees, explaining that many people who think they have insomnia have simply fallen out of love with sleep. In short, their relationship with sleep has broken down: ‘People decide whether they are good sleepers or bad sleepers and everything is framed by that. I have decided that I am a good sleeper, so if I have a bad night I view it as no big deal.

Good sleepers have this inner belief that they are going to be fine whatever happens that night. This is the mentality everyone needs to find.’

RESPECT THE ROUTINE Give yourself adequate time to wind down before bed.

This helps you to relax and stop feeling anxious, and allows your body to prepare for sleep. Routines also help us internalise behaviours; so the more you do it, the easier it becomes to fall asleep each night.

Huffington swears by her routine, which starts at least half an hour before bedtime, and includes turning off all devices, taking a hot bath, dressing in pyjamas and reading a physical, tangible book – nothing work-related – for ten minutes before she turns off the lights.

‘Creating a transition ritual to sleep,’ she says, ‘is absolutely key.’

CLUTTER-FREE AND COSY You need the right bedroom environment for sleep – one that is cool, quiet and dark. Try to keep your bedside tables as free from clutter as possible – just a book or a simple lamp – and take the time to choose bedding and linen that you love, and that isn’t too hot or irritating for sensitive skin. Choose proper nightclothes that you wear only in bed, and that you look forward to putting on each night.

And try to keep your bedroom as a sanctuary: tidy, free from reminders of daily life, a space that calms and soothes. ‘Much of what keeps us from sleeping is the clutter in our minds,’ says Huffington. ‘And the clutter in our physical space creates stress, with visual cues that can keep the mind occupied by reminding us about what’s incomplete.’

This includes, of course, phones; we recommend putting all electronic devices outside your bedroom.

Huffington refers to ‘putting her phone to bed’, which she says sends a message to her mind that that part of her day is over until morning.

Sleep Food, £80, Dr. Barbara Sturm; Deep Sleep Heavenly Candle, £26, This Works; Lila striped silk-satin pajama set, £420, Olivia von Halle; Perfect Night’s Sleep Pillow Mist, £20, Neom; Embroidered silk eye mask, £50, Slip

20

‘Just for a while, be open to the possibility that there is nothing wrong with you.’ - Cheri Huber

21

Self-care for the real world With fans including Reese Witherspoon, Kate Moss and Sienna Miller, sisters Nadia Narain and Katia Narain Phillips are on a mission to turn self-care from a hashtag into a new way of life. By Elle Blakeman

23

Right now, you may be deep in the waves of life, being tossed around. Learning self-care is like building your own lifeboat, plank by plank. Once you’ve got your boat, you’ll still be rocked by the same waves, but you’ll have a feeling of safety, and a stability that means you can pick other people up on your way.’ ~ Nadia Narain and Katia Narain Phillips

W

hat does self-care mean to you?

Is it a hashtag to roll your eyes at on Instagram, a large glass of wine while watching Netflix (guilty), or a wistful thought as you rush to tick off yet another thing from an evergrowing to-do list?

For sisters and wellness experts Nadia Narain and Katia Narain Phillips – authors of the best-selling /selfcare for the real world/ – self-care is vital yet severely underrated, especially by busy women, and something we should all be doing a lot more of.

‘Self-care is being able to treat yourself as kindly as you would your best friend or your child,’ says Nadia.

‘Whether that is with your inner dialogue – how you look at yourself, how you feed yourself, how you allow yourself to rest – or how you challenge yourself, we need to start from a place of genuine kindness and care.’

Together the pair have spent a total of almost fifty years in the wellness industry. Nadia, a model-turnedyogi, teaches at the London’s chic Triyoga centre (with A-list devotees attending her Primrose Hill classes). Younger sister Katia founded one of the

25

capital’s first raw-food eateries and today runs the Nectar café at Triyoga.

However, despite living a more virtuous life than many, they both suffered from a less-than-kind internal dialogue – one that they acknowledge plagues many modern women. ‘It took us a really long time to figure that out,’ says Nadia. ‘We were doing all this great stuff, like yoga, massage, eating well and so on, but we still had this really harsh tone of voice with ourselves: very restrictive, a little perfectionist – or a lot – and generally quite mean.’

‘We all seem to be able to do things with such a sweetness to others but not ourselves,’ says Katia.

‘We also realised that when we neglect our self-care, there is a knock-on effect. If we miss a meal, we are usually a bit grumpier.

If we don’t hydrate, we notice a fogging of the brain. If

we don’t go to bed by a certain time, we don’t feel good when we wake up. There is less space to respond rather than react and that affects everyone we come into contact with.

‘When we pay attention to selfcare, we are more resourced and have more energy for everyone around us.

When we feel full, we have more time, energy and generosity to give to others.’

With complementary disciplines, the sisters were well placed to tackle the issue with a holistic approach. ‘We have both been so gifted by all our many teachers with great tools, allowing us to not just manage, but to flourish,’ says Nadia. ‘We really wanted to share these tools with others.’

His Holiness the Dalai Lama inspired the pair to put their thoughts on paper. ‘We went to a talk of his. He said: “If you do not take care of yourself, you are not qualified to take care of anyone else.”’

Those words stuck with them. ‘Every airline will tell you to put your oxygen mask on first, then your child’s,’ observes Nadia. ‘We need to be full and grounded

‘Our mission is not about achieving perfection.

It’s about accepting you are human, with all your beauty and your flaws, accepting you deserve to be happy and well, and doing what you can, when you can, to get there.’

within ourselves before we can give to others.’

They pooled their decades of experience and the end result is a beautiful, easy-to-read tome, split into sections for ‘love’, ‘hope’, ‘joy and ‘light’.

Practical and not remotely preachy, their book offers smart, sage wisdom – like an older sister switching the television off, pouring your wine down the sink and marching you to bed for a much-needed early night.

There are recipes for green juices, Buddha bowls and wild-rice salad dotted among features on the best way to get over heartbreak, how to achieve a work/life balance and preventing social media taking over your headspace.

The book touched a nerve, earning fans all over the world including Reese Witherspoon, Lily Cole and Sienna Miller. Kate Moss reportedly gave a copy to all of her closest friends. Now the pair are launching an online self-care course: A Gentle Revolution, beginning in January 2020.

‘We created the course to be closer to our readers,’ says Nadia. ‘We like the idea of doing it in a community, as there is sixty-five per cent more chance of completing a goal when you commit to someone. In this case it will be a whole self-care community.’

The four-week course will be filled with tasks, yoga videos, meditation audio, recipes and live videos to answer questions and communicate with their community.

‘People that feel good, do good; people that feel bad, act badly,’ says Nadia. ‘So we figured if we could get real-world people – not just ‘yoga people’ or vegans or people with the money for expensive treatments – to start treating themselves kindly, that goes out into the world and hopefully spreads the kindness out.’

‘It all starts with ourselves,’ agrees Katia. ‘If we are grumpy or in pain we are usually grumpy with

others. When we eat well, sleep well and exercise, we feel good, and have more time and energy and patience for others. It’s a virtuous circle!’

So if someone is new to the idea of self-care, how should the process begin? ‘Start with small achievable things that you can implement and be consistent,’ says Nadia. ‘One of the simplest and most practical approaches we have in our book is to make your self-care list: draw a line down the middle of the page and, on one side, write the things that make you feel resourced and taken care of. On the other, write things that make you feel drained or tired or just rubbish.

‘It’s a list you can keep coming back to. And when you are going through a difficult time in your life, look at your list and see what you can do more of and less of.’

Does it change as you get older? ‘Generally, the acts of self-care change depending on the different phases of your life. But the main objective remains the same: how do you talk to yourself? How kind are you with yourself? When you are going through a difficult time, are you able to be gentle? Are you treating yourself with the same amount of kindness that you would give someone you really loved?

‘When you are going through something really difficult, do one nice thing for yourself each day,’ says Katia. ‘It doesn’t have to be grand – just a small thing that makes you feel good.’

With all this hard-won knowledge, what would they tell their younger selves? ‘I need to think about that one,’ says Nadia. ‘There’s so much! Mainly we would tell ourselves we are enough; we are good enough; we are more than enough. Stop comparing yourself and learn to like yourself. You got to live with you, your whole life! Get to know her well, and be

Self-care for the real world by Nadia Narain and Karia Narain Phillips is out now. For more information on the online course, visit nadiaandkatia.com and Instagram @nadia.and.katia

26

WINT ER LAU N CHE S Relax and reset with our pick of this season’s most pampering products 27

De Mamiel Winter Facial Oil, £80 This vitamin-rich oil is hand-blended by the holistic facialist and aromatherapist Annee de Mamiel each year, in time for the Winter Solstice. A comforting, cossetting oil which lends itself perfectly to facial massage, it contains arctic cranberry seed and rosehip seed oils to boost the skin’s radiance and help to fight against cold, wind and skin-sapping central heating.

Saint Iris Adriatica Serenity Salve, £48 The Danes have hygge and the Croats have fjaka: a mental state of contentment, the act of doing - and wanting for - nothing. The brand Saint Idris Adriatica was founded on capturing this blissful ‘spirit of wellbeing’. The Serenity Salve is the range’s hero product, enriched with pea peptide and seaweed protein which both encourage collagen production and help to smooth the skin.

Sarah Chapman Comfort Cream D-Stress, £59 As you pull on your 15-tog duvet while the mercury dips below zero, treat your face the same way and upgrade your moisturiser to this indulgent night cream from the Duchess of Sussex’s go-to facialist. Immediately hydrating and intensely nourishing, it also contains four skin-barrier enforcing actives to strengthen the skin, in turn helping it to retain its own moisture.

Ameliorate Intensive Skin Therapy, £15 Combat winter skin worries with this supercharged multi-purpose balm. Use on dry shins and elbows and marvel as the lactic acid promotes cell turnover, while sweet almond oil and shea butter soothe and replenish very dry, sore skin.

Apothem Botanical CBD Sculpt, £290 Revive sluggish limbs and boost blood circulation with this energising oil, containing a hefty 8000mg dose of CBD, along with green coffee and moringa seed oil.

Newcomer Apothem is an entirely vegan brand which grows its own hemp in the hills of Southern Spain, harnessing the power of the purest CBD.

Chanel Sublimage Les Grains de Vanille, £105 Save your acids for summer and treat your skin to the elegance of this facial scrub from Chanel’s most luxurious skincare line this winter. Contains natural vanilla pod seeds which gently exfoliate, while jojoba microbeads help to remove impurities and dead skin cells.

Herbivore Coconut Milk Bath Soak, £28 Herbivore’s results-driven, all-natural products have achieved cult status in 2019.

Possibly the best-smelling bath product on the market, adding a handful or two of this to your bath will turn the water into a milky, skin-softening haven.

Rabot 1745 Liquid Chocolate Body Mask, £16 Inspired by the Chocolate Delight treatment at Hotel Chocolat’s own St Lucian hotel-spa (yes, a real place), this decadent body mask combines cocoa seed butter, apricot oil, and sweet almond oil to create a mask that leaves skin soft and detoxified. If you can ever bring yourself to remove it.

Aromatherapy Associates Deep Relax Sleep Mist, £28 Aromatherapy Associates have cornered the market in relaxing and rejuvenating oils since the company was founded in 1985, but until this year had never launched a sleep mist. This blend of vetivert, camomile and sandalwood has proven a powerful tonic to sleepless nights - in a two-week study, 90 per cent of users said that a spritz of this on their pillow helped the mind and body to feel ready for sleep.

Susanne Kaufmann Candle Trio, £53 Dot these miniature natural wax candles about the tub while you soak. A trio of fig-lemon, incense, and vetiver-mandarin, they’re also ideal for packing for a trip away, scenting a new bedroom with a familiar, relaxing smell.

28

Let the sunshine in Few people get enough Vitamin D in winter, but what does this mean for our health and howcan we improve things?

Siân Ranscombe reports

SPF Vitamin Mist for the Body, £46, Oskia D Lux 3000 Vitamin D Oral Spray, £6.35, BetterYou Vital Boost, £60, Goldfaden MD C+C SPF30 Dry Oil Antioxidant Sun Protection, £58, Natura Bisse

W

inter does have its upsides.

Clothing decidedly chicer than its summer alternative, red instead of rosé, and a full month of festivities right in the middle of the bleakest of the seasons means that all is not lost as the nights draw in. However, a side effect of the colder weather and shorter days for many of us means a deficiency of vitamin D, often referred to as the ‘sunshine vitamin’.

In many countries, winter sunlight (which is classified as the days between October and early March) does not contain enough UVB radiation to enable our skin to make enough vitamin D. Even in summer, many of us won’t receive enough thanks to diligent sunscreen usage.

‘Vitamin D is essential for numerous bodily functions,’ says Dr Thiviyani Maruthappu, consultant dermatologist and spokesperson for the British Skin Foundation. ‘Its primary role is to regulate calcium and phosphate, key minerals required for proper bone formation and maintenance.’

However, recent studies have also found it to play a role in regulating hormones such as insulin and neurotransmitters including dopamine, while contributing to immune function and cardiovascular health.

‘Vitamin D deficiency is the most common

nutritional deficiency worldwide,’ says Dr Maruthappu.

‘In the deeper layers of the skin, UVB light converts cholesterol to Vitamin D, therefore reduced exposure to sunlight is one of the most common contributors to a deficiency. Certain groups are more susceptible to this, particularly children, mothers who are pregnant or breastfeeding, and those with darker skin tones.’

A deficiency can increase the risk of bone fracture, osteoporosis, and a weakened immune system and it is estimated that around one billion people globally are deficient. You can have your levels checked by a simple blood test at your doctor’s surgery.

So, when the sun disappears for four months, how else can we ensure we are getting enough? ‘Essentially vitamin D is either created when the skin is exposed to sunlight or it becomes available for our body to use when we ingest it, either through our diet or supplementation,’ says Dr Anita Sturnham, a GP who specialises in skin health.

‘Vitamin D occurs naturally in a few foods, including some fish, fish liver oils, and egg yolks, as well as in fortified dairy and grain products,’ says Dr Sturnham. ‘I also recommend taking Vitamin D3 drops daily as there is improved absorption in this form versus when taking tablets. The UK health guidelines

recommend that adults and children over the age of one year old take a daily supplement containing 10mcg.’

BetterYou’s all-natural DLux 3000 Spray provides 3000iu of vitamin D3, the most bioavailable form of the vitamin and can be sprayed directly under the tongue each day. It’s suitable for use during pregnancy and those on vegetarian or diabetic diets.

Topical application of a vitamin will never be as effective, but there are a few products on the market which claim to help the body to synthesise it. As well as providing mineral sunscreen protection should you be lucky enough to be venturing away for some winter sun, Oskia’s SPF Vitamin Mist for the Body also claims to be a source of pro-vitamin D3, which the body converts to vitamin D. Meanwhile, Zelens Power D High Potency Provitamin D Treatment Drops help to fortify the skin barrier and replenish moisture levels.

It should be noted that the use of sunbeds is not a recommended way of upping your daily dosage, but should you happen to be headed to warmer climes this winter, you will receive adequate exposure through the forearms, hands or lower legs in just 10-15 minutes for fair skin types, or 25-50 for dark skin types. Just don’t forget your sunscreen after that.

30

“An empty lantern provides no light.

Self-care is the fuel that allows your light to shine brightly.”

- Unknown

31

The Beauty of Winter Author Beth Kempton celebrates wabi sabi – Japanese wisdom for a perfectly imperfect life

Imagine the difference it would make if we could usher ourselves through winter with care, allowing plenty of time for rest and ref lection.

I

have long wondered whether the January blues might be due to more than the miserable weather, the monotony of the return to work, the short, grey days and the long, dark nights. What if they are also a consequence of the way we spend December?

What if the typical sluggishness, lack of motivation and low mood are hangovers from the festive stress, an excess of rich food and the disruption of our usual daily rhythms when the holidays descend?

Imagine the difference it would make if we could usher ourselves through winter with care, and allow plenty of time for rest, reflection and the emergence of new dreams.

With the rush to wrap things up by the end of the year, and all the preparations for the holidays, winter can be a hectic time, even when our natural rhythms call us to slow down. It is more essential than ever that

we nourish body, mind and spirit, seeking out small moments of joy, and establishing comforting rhythms that will see us right through the season. With a little mindfulness and the occasional pause, winter can offer countless opportunities for rejuvenation and joy.

This brings to mind the Japanese philosophy of wabi sabi, which I explore in my book Wabi Sabi: Japanese wisdom for a perfectly imperfect life/. Often misunderstood as a way of describing the imperfect beauty of physical objects, wabi sabi is actually a deep and powerful way of seeing and experiencing the world. It shows us how true beauty lies in life itself. It has roots in Zen and the ancient tradition of the tea ceremony in Japan.

There is actually no universal definition of wabi sabi in the country’s language, even though Japanese people recognize it instinctively. In the course of my

book research, I came to understand it as three distinct yet related concepts: an intuitive response to beauty that reflects the true nature of life; an acceptance and appreciation of the impermanent, imperfect and incomplete nature of everything; and a recognition of the gifts of simple, slow and natural living.

Wabi sabi is felt in a moment of real appreciation – a perfect moment in an imperfect world, and a moment that is even more beautiful for the fact that it will not last. We can nurture it with our willingness to notice details and cultivate delight. And we experience it when we are living the most authentic, most inspired versions of our lives.

People often talk about the Japanese living long.

But wabi sabi reminds us that it’s important to live well. It is a barometer of wellbeing.

34

‘When we are so busy that we no longer sense wabi sabi, we know that we have gone off-track,’ Ayumi Nagata, a young shop assistant from Kyoto, told me.

‘It’s a reminder to slow down, breathe and take time to find beauty. When we can’t sense wabi sabi, we are distracted, or under pressure, or we aren’t taking care of ourselves.’

Winter is a wonderful time of year to do just that: to slow down, breathe deeply and take the time to find beauty in everyday life, even when nature is at its least showy. We can do this simply by taking the time to be mindful when we do small but special things: pruning the garden, baking cakes, watching the sunset, counting stars, reading a poem, cradling a hot drink in a favourite mug, taking a walk, making something.

Even chores can be a meditation if we choose to make them so.

We can capture those experiences creatively – pausing to journal, write a short poem, sketch our view, assemble photographs of a day spent outdoors.

We can establish rituals to bring us into the present.

Before I sit down to write, I boil the kettle for tea, and ponder the Hamlet quote on my favourite mug: ‘To thine own self be true.’ This is my writing ritual. It reminds me that I am investing time in something that I care about. And it makes the tea taste better.

We can also be open to the unexpected. There is kindness all around us, and each time we receive kindness it brings joy. Paying that forward brings another kind of joy, whereby you help someone else.

Winter is also a wonderful time to pause and reflect on the year gone past, as well as our lives in general.

When we look back, what do we want to remember?

35

How do we want to feel? What do we want to have contributed? What will have made our life meaningful?

How many moments of beauty do we want to have experienced along the way?

One of the most fundamental teachings of wabi sabi is that we are impermanent, just like everyone we love, and everything in the world around us. We will not live for ever. We may not even live a long time. Life is precious, and fleeting. It’s up to us to make the most of it at each stage, starting with where we are right now.

This winter, make sure you factor yourself into the list of people who need care and attention. Carve out time to nourish yourself, to rest and reflect, and see what a difference it makes when you emerge in the new year, rejuvenated and ready for all that lies ahead.

bethkempton.com, @bethkempton

36

The Storyteller For Paris-based, by appointment only jewellery designer Édéenne, the pieces we wear should tell a tale of our lives and loves. Here, she talks to Claire Brayford about ignoring convention and finding out who you really are

T

he art of storytelling is a gift not lost on the Paris-based fine jeweller now known as Édéenne. Weaving the narrative of her clients into her technically-masterful designs has elevated her to the highest echelons of French haute joaillerie. Édéenne’s approach to storytelling is as second nature to her as the bone-chilling winters of Quebec, the Canadian province where she grew up. Yet it is her own story that is the most compelling.

A physicist and former documentary film producer and corporate strategist, Édéenne came to jewellery late. It was in her mid-40s and the result of a diving accident at Lake Maggiore, in the Alpine foothills of northern Italy. A sudden whirlpool made her to rise to the surface too fast. Disorientated and suffering from

37

decompression, her instructor encouraged her to return back down, not realising she was about to discover her true vocation.

A shaft of sunlight shining through the trees turned the stones at the bottom of the lake into what looked like sapphires, rubies, emeralds and citrines. They were to Édéenne a sign – she would become a jeweller.

“I always tell people never to be blinded by what you are scared of,” says the mother of two. “If you can go through it, you will always discover incredible surprises.”

As swiftly as she could grasp one of the brightest stones from the lake bed, she enrolled at the Institut National de Gemmologie completing the four year course in five months. “I was already 45, I was in a rush!” she laughs.

With her new career came a new identity. She took

her grandmother’s name and has never disclosed what she was called in her former life.

To further perfect her savoir faire she attended the famous Haute École de Joaillerie on the Rue du Louvre, the training ground for many of the great names of French fine jewellery and began to push the limits of traditional techniques.

“I discovered there are no limits – the possibilities are endless,” she says of creations that are often feats of engineering. “I didn’t start in my twenties respecting all the rules – and for me we are talking about art, so why not?”

Her intricate sculptures consistently defy convention; the animated lily ring that opens its petals to reveal a pearl of white jade, the ‘Cinderella’ design concealing a tiny diamond-pave slipper or the sword pendant seamlessly supporting a 125-carat citrine with no claw.

In 2005, she was cited as one of the four most prominent high jewellery designers in the world by the Tribune des Arts (Geneva), while the Financial Times’ Vivienne Becker lauded her as one of the “New Gem Stars”. Her work is showcased as art, rather than in a traditional boutique, at Sotheby’s, at the Palais de Tokyo in Paris, and most prestigiously twice at the Musée de la Légion d’Honneur, a first for the institution. The show brought an unprecedented 5,000 visitors who entered a darkened room, guided by torchlight, to view her work.

A storyteller was on hand to narrate the tale of each piece, beginning with the stone she collected from Lake Maggiore, as well as her most treasured piece, the tiara fashioned by her father from her mother’s strass necklace when she was a child.

“Visitors must actively participate and involve themselves,” she explains. “And when you move, the light makes the stones sing.” Appointments at her private Paris atelier are by personal recommendation only, and increasingly clients are asking for their jewels to be displayed as art in their homes. A recent butterfly collection was mounted on a gold leaf frame and surrounded by a further 75 of the shivering creatures – while earrings crafted in the shape of panthers rest on a bespoke wooden sculpture when not being worn.

The painstaking personalisation and complexity of each ‘portrait in jewellery’, bears witness, as Édéenne puts it, to the exceptional in each of us.

“I ask my clients: ‘Tell me your story’,” she explains of how she peels away the layers of their lives.

“And it is a real story, a true one. I ask very, very private questions. After two or three hours I say, ‘Stop, I can see it’. I have books in my workshop with secrets of my clients for more than 10 years now. It was not like this in high jewellery before. Now jewellers create a piece, and they put a story on it to make it resonate.”

She describes her work as putting links between people again in “this mad world”. “What moves me is when I see the woman crying when she receives her pieces because, of course, they convey her story,” she says. “The link between her and her husband, with her

children, with her lover, the beginning of a new business – the proudest moment is always when my clients say: ‘You understood everything’.”

She understood from the beginning that the value of a jewel does not lie solely in the quality of the stone or the name of the megabrand who created it, but in the meaning behind it, how it conveys your values and is unique only to you, like a painting.

“The most important word in this world is resonance,” she says. “Love is the second. If you cannot resonate you cannot love. People will love more-and-more for what they have in their soul rather than what they have in their wallet. I knew that.”

She cites her mother – who, also in her mid 40s, returned to university to undertake a highly successful career running a hospital, a job mostly held by men – as her greatest inspiration. “Before she passed away, I told her I did this because I saw you,” she explains. Édéenne compares her ability to rebuild and reevaluate what is broken in life to the Japanese philosophy of Kintsugi. “I feel I am always constructing again from failures and hard times,” she says. “Trying to transform and piece together with incredible things, I even make pieces with this philosophy.”

So who is the woman she would most like to see wearing her creations?

“I like to make pieces for women who change the world - to help them to convey themselves,” she says.

And for her the most powerful piece to do that is the ring. “Hands are the theatre of our emotion,” Édéenne explains. “With the eyes and the hands you can read a person, even if they don’t talk. And when you wear something from me, it is full of meaning.”

38

The power of no We all know saying yes to too often is a surefire recipe for burnout, so why do so many of us struggle to say no when we need to? Grace Anderson explains why we need to stop people pleasing and put ourselves at the top of our to-do lists‌

39

Why it matters

‘S

orry to ask, but would you mind…’

My heart sinks, knowing my carefully planned day off is about to be taken over by someone else’s needs. If the words ‘Could you just…’ or ‘Actually, would you be able to…’ strike fear into your soul then you’re not alone. People pleasing is a serious problem for a lot of women and like many issues in life, it can only be solved once we face it head on.

You know the phrase ‘If you want something done, ask a busy person’ (thank you Lucille Ball – perhaps the non-busy could answer the call this time?!) – well that’s me, capable, efficient, utterly exhausted.

Who doesn’t want to be a yes person? In the world of social media, always-on technology and endless opportunity surely, it’s better to say yes than no? ‘No problem!’ ‘Sure thing!’ ‘You got it!’ – I have thousands of ways to answer in the affirmative. But if we think of time and energy as finite resources (because they are) – saying yes to one thing obviously means you have less time for

another. ‘Yes, I’ll go to my co-worker’s art show’ means ‘No, I won’t spend some quality time with my family this evening’. Of course, it’s human nature to want to please, especially for women, however, saying yes to too many things is a quick way to resentment, overwhelm and stress.

‘Generally speaking women are the nurturers. As nurturers, we value relationships more than men, and as a result, what people think of us and how good we are at our “nuturer” role matters to us,’ says Dubaibased Career Coach and NLP Life Coach Zeta Yarwood. ‘For many women their self-worth is tied to their role as a good, helpful, kind, considerate and cooperative person – both at work and home - which leads to excessive people-pleasing.’

The problem is we’re good at it. We can manage – just – to squeeze in a few extra jobs here and there, to send an email to the gas company while at the dry cleaners, to pick up some dinner on the way home, to pop over and check on our friends’ pets before racing back to work to help someone finish a presentation. But make no mistake, it’s taking a serious toll.

So, what’s the big deal if we prefer to say yes than no? Well firstly if everyone else gets a yes, your needs automatically go to the back of the line which is toxic to your self-esteem. What are you telling yourself if the needs of others are always more important?

‘People pleasing can lead to all sorts of issues,’ agrees Yarwood. ‘It can lead to exhaustion as people-pleasers tend to put self-care at the bottom of their list of priorities. It can lead to stress as their time is spent pleasing others instead of focusing on their own tasks. Often creating unnecessary pressure to complete whatever is on their to-do list and overwhelm when none of it gets done. Long-term stress and exhaustion have been linked to some major health issues including obesity, heart disease and depression.’

‘As much as I love helping people I’ve know when I’ve reached my limit,’ says recruitment consultant Dayna Hewitt. ‘For my own sanity I’ve had to learn to give a hard no over an easy yes or I burn out.’

It’s also hard not to foster some resentment at staying late helping a co-worker catch up on a project or sitting in traffic on route to feeding your friend’s cat. This resentment can then fester, sour our relationships and even make us ill.

‘Saying yes all the time obliterates all boundaries – you’re not protecting yourself,’ says psychologist Dr Susan Newman, author of The Book of No. ‘Essentially you can make yourself sick from doing too much.’ Being overcommitted equals less sleep, less downtime and depleted resources.

‘In the worst-case scenario, you’ll wake up and find yourself depressed, because you’re on such overload because you possibly can’t do it all.”

‘People pleasing can also play havoc with our sense of self-worth and self-esteem,’ says Yarwood. ‘Our self-worth goes up and down based on how people receive or react to our acts of kindness. When we please people we feel great. When we don’t, we feel terrible. Instead of our self-worth coming from the inside and being constant because we have full control over it, it’s directed by who we’re surrounding ourselves with on the outside. Leaving it outside of our control.’

40

How to start The first step is to realise you have a choice, we often feel like we have to say yes to someone who asks us for help, but you can always say no. Work out your priorities –family, work, friends, fitness, downtime… what do you value, and what is saying yes to something outside of these things taking you away from? It’s much easier to say no when you are comfortable and solid about your own needs.

Next, practice makes perfect – if you’re used to saying yes more often than not then you will need to reprogram your automatic response and choose a few moments of awkwardness (to start with) over an evening of resentment.

Start small and build up the muscle slowly – say no to person who asks you to hang on the line for a survey, to the person at the post office who asks to cut in front, to the plus-one invitation to your friend’s work event. If a flat-out ‘No, sorry’ sounds too blunt for you, try one of the alternatives listed below, remember no one is suggesting you become a completely different person, just that you start to put up a few boundaries to stop everyone helping themselves to your time.

‘It took me almost burning out to realise that I could even say no,’ says television producer Paris Cox. ‘After years of always being available at work and for friends

whenever they wanted me, I found myself feeling permanently drained and exhausted. Yoga classes were cancelled for late nights in the office, friends who ‘needed a catch up’ on weeknights meant I was falling into bed two hours later than I wanted, and an empty space in my diary felt unreasonably selfish. Luckily, I started seeing a therapist who encouraged me to make time for myself – without apologising for it. I started booking expensive gym classes after work to force me to leave on time (and refused to cancel them), I only allowed myself to make plans on a couple of nights a week and made a point of telling people at the start that I had to leave by 9.30 (without giving a long-winded explanation why). It took almost reaching breaking point to finally give myself permission to stop trying so hard to please everyone.’

Once you’ve rehearsed how to say no – and survive – write down anything that’s causing resentment in your life, is there someone who is pushing your boundaries?

It might be your boss asking you to work late most nights, a friend popping round unannounced to discuss her endless problems, your sister asking you to babysit constantly. Then work out your wording - the main thing is to be both clear and firm. The more you waffle, explain and talk around your reasoning, the more you leave room

for the other person to push back, or worse to genuinely not understand what the problem is. A clear: ‘Would you mind giving me a call before you come over next time,’ or ‘Sorry no, I can’t stay late tonight,’ is plenty. When you’re clear and firm, people don’t push back, when you’re unsure there’s room for confusion or discussion.

When someone asks you to do something, instead of reaching for an automatic ‘Sure’ or ‘No problem’, take a pause and ask yourself if you have the time and if will feel annoyed with yourself if you say yes. If you don’t know, say ‘Can I come back to you’ and give yourself time to work it through.

Beware of saying yes to something because it’s far enough away in the future not to worry about. ‘I always ask myself: ‘How would I feel if this invitation was for tomorrow’ says web developer Abigail Volkes. ‘If any part of me thinks ‘Ugh no’ then I say I can’t.’ Or as American entrepreneur Derek Sivers puts it, ‘If it’s not a Hell Yes it’s a No’.

If you’re really struggling then a coach or therapist can help. ‘Building self-worth starts with recognising the internal dialogue we have,’ says Yarwood. ‘Identifying what thoughts we have that make us feel worthy and thoughts which don’t, and changing the internal narrative to one that is kind, loving, supportive and encouraging.’

Remember it’s OK to say no ‘The reason setting boundaries makes people uncomfortable is because they think it’s a form of confrontation’ says Michelle Chalfont on her podcast The Adult Chair. ‘It’s not, you’re just pointing out what you will and won’t put up with. If you work out what you want to say and you’re clear it doesn’t have to be confrontational – finish with a ‘thanks so much’ and move on once you’ve made your point.’

One of the biggest ways we get into trouble here is by trying to invent an elaborate reason for why we can’t do something when actually, we don’t owe anyone an explanation. Obviously ‘Sorry it’s not really my scene’ is not going to get you out of your brother’s wedding invitation, but it’s a perfectly acceptable answer to ‘Would you like to come watch a three-hour art-house film about Sweden’. Similarly, if you’re already busy on five nights this week, you don’t have to feel bad about saying ‘Actually, I really need a night off – how about next week?’.

‘The best thing is I’ve stopped thinking that everyone can’t possibly live without me doing everything for them,’ says Cox, ‘I’ve stopped relying on other people’s gratitude as a way to feel good about myself. And now when I say Yes – I really mean it.’

41

Ways of Saying ‘No’ If the idea of a flat-out ‘No’ brings you out in hives, try one of these – and remember the more you do it, the easier it gets!

Thanks for asking but afraid I can’t make it.’

‘I’m not able to commit to that right now.’

‘I really appreciate you asking but, but I can’t do it.’

‘I’m going to say no for now, but I’ll let you know if something changes.’

‘No, I can’t do that, but here’s what I can do…’

‘I want to, but I’m unable to.’

‘I understand you really need my help, but I’m just not able to say yes to that. I’m sorry.’

‘No thank you, but it sounds lovely.’

‘I’m afraid I can’t take on anything else right now.’

‘Thanks for thinking of me, but I have too much on my plate right now.’

Not for me, thanks.

The

Modern Pilgrimmage “Walk alone, across mountains or through forests. You are nobody to the hills or the thick boughs heavy with greenery.�

- Frederic Gros

Emma Johnson discovers the beauty of the modern pilgrimage - a new kind of spiritual journey, that is less about connecting ourselves with God and more about connecting us with ourselves 43

I

n ancient times, pilgrimage was a key part of our societal structure. Journeying on foot to holy places filled our leisure time and met many of our spiritual needs. Kings and monks, women and children, whole communities of people walked familiar paths, simply as an expression of faith and to worship at the site of a holy memorial. It was commonplace, expected and accepted.

Today, as the modern world reaches its tentacles into every aspect of society, and especially into religion, pilgrimage has become a relic of the past, something confined to the dusty annals of a more faith-driven world, something we don’t have the time – or need – for anymore.

And yet, almost as a reaction to the pressures of the modern world, there has recently been a resurgence in people’s desire to undertake great journeys. Attempts to climb Everest, for instance, have never been higher, while over 300,000 people a year now walk the famous Christian path of the Camino de Santiago and over two million Muslims descend on the Hajj each year. As matters of the soul are considered less and less important, many of us are

seeking to reclaim this spiritual imperative in any way that we can.

“There is of course a deep spiritual need which the pilgrimage seems to satisfy, particularly for those hardy enough to tackle the journey on foot,” explains Edwin Mullins, in his 1974 book ‘The Pilgrimage to Santiago’ in which he explores perhaps the most famous of all Christian pilgrimages. The Camino de Santiago is one pilgrimage that seems to straddle time – being both an ancient Christian rite of passage and a modern quest for thousands of people each year. It is hard work, across mountain ranges, dark forests and barren lands, but its appeal seems to show no signs of waning. “The truth is, we are wired for long walks and thinking time - restless souls across the religious spectrum and dating back 2000 years before Christ have practiced pilgrimage in search of a greater understanding about themselves, and life,” adds Steve Watkins, whose book ‘Pilgrim Strong’ gives an incredible sense of what it feels like both spiritually and emotionally to walk 500 miles.

THE JOY OF WALKING For some people, pilgrimage breaks down to the simple importance of the act itself, of the process of continuing to move forward, putting one step in front of the other – even if our motivations for doing so are diverse and deeply personal. In his wonderful memoir, ‘A Philosophy of Walking’ author Frederic Gros explains that what sets us out on our path is only half the journey, and says that the simple act of walking is where the truly spiritual experience lies. He goes on to chart the many different reasons we walk now pilgrimage, promenade, protest march, nature ramble, hike - and shows us what it tells us about

ourselves. And also, what it exposes. “None of your knowledge, your reading, your connections will be of any use here: two legs suffice, and big eyes to see with. Walk alone, across mountains or through forests.

You are nobody to the hills or the thick boughs heavy with greenery. You are no longer a role, or a status, not even an individual, but a body, a body that feels sharp stones on the paths, the caress of long grass and the freshness of the wind.”

Paring back our experience to the simplicity of our steps is something deeply attractive in a world where our experiences continue to be more heightened,

our senses more constantly stimulated. And for some, the slowness of the journey is precisely where its beauty lies, because the slower you go, the more you can see. “That very fast train reminds me that, as a pilgrim, travel is made holy in its slowness,” says Kevin A. Codd author of ‘Beyond Even the Stars’ who also undertook the Santiago a Compostela pilgrimage.

“I see things that neither the passengers of the train nor the drivers of the automobiles see. I feel things that they will never feel. I have time to ponder, imagine, daydream. I tire. I thirst. In my slow walking, I find me.”

44

“She is free in her wildness, she is a wanderess…she knows nothing of borders and cares nothing for rules or customs.

Her life flows clean, with passion, like fresh water.”

-Roman Payne The Wanderess

THE JOURNEY INTO SELF Finding ourselves is perhaps at the absolute core of the modern pilgrimage, so much so that some people do not even see it as a physical journey. “Many believe a pilgrimage is about going away but it isn’t; it is about coming home,” says L.M Browning is her book Season of Contemplation. “Those who choose to go on pilgrimage have already ventured away from themselves; and now set out in a longing to journey back to who they are. We do not need to go to the edges of the earth to learn who we are, only the edges of ourselves.”

This is a beautiful way to describe a journey into oneself, a feature that seems especially prevalent in the journeys of women in the past decade. Taking on pilgrimages of their own, across the globe, both following well-trodden paths and breaking new ground, women are walking to find something. And whether they choose a long-distance trail, the ascent of an awe-inspiring mountain, a journey to a temple or a walk through a new wilderness, the common thread running through every journey is the opportunity to step out of their day-to-day routine and follow a path that promises meaning, discovery and the space to breathe.

In every case, the route is important, but the destination sometimes less clear. Not always a fixed geographical point, sometimes these journeys become more about arriving at an emotional or mental point, which the process of walking has guided us to.

25

WALKING YOUR OWN PATH A perfect example of this is of course Cheryl Strayed’s breakout memoir Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail, in which she documented not only her journey along the Pacific Crest Trail, but also her journey through grief, divorce, recovery from substance abuse and towards self-love. “It had nothing to do with gear or footwear or the backpacking fads or philosophies of any particular era or even with getting from point A to point B,” she says. “It had to do with how it felt to be in the wild. With what it was like to walk for miles with no reason other than to witness the accumulation of trees and meadows, mountains and deserts, streams and rocks, rivers and grasses, sunrises and sunsets. The experience was powerful and fundamental.”

Strayed, who changed her surname to ‘Strayed’

before her pilgrimage, because she felt it reflected part of her journey, straying from life’s normal path and from her old way of life, understood that in seeking to find herself, she first had to get lost. “I’d finally come to understand what it had been: a yearning for a way out, when actually what I had wanted to find was a way in.”

And, while walking forms perhaps the central tenet of the pilgrimage, it’s good to remember that if we are open, every journey can expose our truths. For many people it is simply the act of making a journey with a specific intent, and being present to what happens as you travel that can shape our experiences.

Perhaps writer Elizabeth Gilbert, whose journey in search of prayer, love and nourishment led her to cross the globe to Italy, India and Indonesia, and eventually

to writing her bestselling memoir Eat, Pray, Love, puts it best. She recalls in her book how transformative she believes a journey like this can be and how much we have to learn from the act of pilgrimage. “I’ve come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call “The Physics of The Ques,” she says. “If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truthseeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared – most of all – to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself... then truth will not be withheld from you.”

46

The Wild Connection “In the face of ecological uncertainty, it is vital we reconnect with the idea that to be human, is to be part of nature.” An increasing trend in the wellbeing arena, rewilding retreats are about reconnecting with nature, in the hope of actually reconnecting with yourself

A

lack of connection is perhaps one of the biggest challenges of our times. As we replace Facebook friends with neighbours, conversations with text messages and share opinions via quotations and memes, our ability to communicate with the world at large is in crisis. “Many of us long for community and a deeper sense of belonging to this world. When your primary conversations each day are with a machine, it dehumanises you,” says Natasha Lythgoe, wilderness guide and life coach.

We have become unconnected to the things that matter, unable to find our way through meaningful relationships and fulfilling work, removed from the

47

values, respect and hopefulness that pushes us to live better, happier lives. In his extraordinary book, Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression – and the Unexpected Solutions, Johann Hari explains that the real reason depression and anxiety have now reached epidemic levels is due to our disconnection from all these things that really matter. “You are not a machine with broken parts,” he says. “You are an animal whose needs are not being met. You need to have a community. You need to have meaningful values…You need to have meaningful work. You need the natural world. You need to feel respected. You need a secure future. You need connections to all these things.”

Author Rachel Corby agrees, and takes this idea even further, saying that losing our connection with nature, means fundamentally losing our connection to ourselves. In her book ReWild Yourself: Becoming Nature, Corby talks about how we are becoming removed from our own innate wildness. Addressing what she calls ‘the dark cries of the soul’, she makes an impassioned plea for people to find ways to redress the balance that they have lost between the modern and the natural world. “I encourage you to find the wild place inside and overcome a little of your own domestication,” she says. “To rebuild connections and communications with nature, allowing for a free-flow between the wildness of the world and your wild heart.”

Returning to Nature

The word rewilding was first coined decades ago, in the world of conservation, where it means to try to encourage flora and fauna back to an area that has been deforested, or destroyed by human development – essentially enabling natural processes to shape land and sea, repair damaged ecosystems and restore degraded landscapes.

In many ways, ‘human rewilding’ is quite similar. Seen as a return to your natural state - like the land – rewilding is about an opportunity to reconnect with your wild self by rediscovering the wildness of the world. A process of ‘unlearning’, rewilding is meant to break down the barriers we have built up, to allow our natural selves to

slowly return and to benefit from all that simply being in nature offers.

“Faced with a natural landscape, you have the sense that you and your concerns are very small, and the world is very big – and that sensation can shrink the ego down to a manageable size,” says Johann Hari.

Being in nature in a wild and pared-back way is an important reminder about where we sit in the cosmos, about both the impact of our lives here on earth, but also about our part in a larger universe. Dense woodland, tall mountains, bubbling streams, expansive fields, the feel of the air on your skin, the ground underfoot, the smell

of the earth, the sound of birds, animals, rain falling – these are all deeply meditative experiences that can have the affect of centring us, focusing our minds, bringing a sense of peace and a new understand. “It’s about something larger than yourself. And, there’s something deeply animally healthy in that sensation,” says Isabel Behncke Izquierdo a field ethologist who studies animal behaviour to understand other animals, humans and our place in nature. “It’s almost like a metaphor for belonging to a grander system. You’re always embedded in the network, just one more node in this enormous tapestry.”

48

“Wild to us means living in the natural state, dancing with the rhythms of nature and connected to the cycles of the moon. It means deeply listening to the messages of our bodies and honouring them fully and completely. It means learning our boundaries, our ‘yes’ and ‘no’ and standing firmly within them like a tree rooted in the Earth.”

The Wild Feminine

Rewilding Retreats Understanding your place in this tapestry of life is exactly what rewilding is designed to do. Retreats, courses and workshops offer men and women extended periods of time in nature, with intention and purpose at their core. Because, rewilding isn’t just about going for a walk or camping under the stars – though these things are important aspects of the process - in truth, rewilding is about embracing everything in the natural world, from using meditation and dance to foraging and wild nutrition.

49

Rewilding courses talk about starting the day with the sunrise, the dew still fresh and cool on your toes and keeping going until you are rubbing sleepy eyes in the moonlight. Your classroom is the sweet wild meadow, the shade of the gnarled oak tree, the breeze-ruffled waters of a stream.

Natasha Lythgoe, founder and wilderness guide at The Art of ReWilding, runs rewilding retreats and workshops for women in the UK and Europe, and explains that her courses feature things such as considering deep ecology, wild food, medicinal

foraging and considering plant consciousness, as well as body wisdom, forest bathing, plant whispering and personal shadow work.

It’s pretty ‘out there’ to be fair, but Lythgoe explains that being in the natural world quickly allows people to let their inhibitions drop away. “As you reconnect with human instinct using your senses, feeling your way into the wild of the world you start to re-inhabit your wildness. We use specific practices to deepen that connection, which include vision quests, fasts and solo days in the wilderness.”

The Natural Self

Wild Women

Part of the importance of a rewilding retreat is the physical act of being in nature – while it can be a place for stillness and gentleness, it is also a time for movement, strength, power, dance. Something that also serves to reconnect us to our true selves: “The thing is, we are animals, and we keep forgetting that,” says Isabel Behncke Izquierdo. “And as animals, this thing (our body) is made to move. We have been animals that move for a lot longer than we have been animal that talk and convey concepts.”

Rewilding allows us to turn away from conceptualising our lives, and connect with it on a more primal, instinctive level. As we move our bodies, as we think less and act more, we become more connected to a world that we have lost. At Wild Feminine, a duo who run retreats in the US and South America, the focus is on dance and movement as a tool for discovery. Their six to ten-day ‘immersions’ blend spiritual practices, holistic lifestyle tools and awakening experiences which include tantric hatha yoga, ritual theatre, singing circles, jungle walks and natural pool swims. “Through dynamic meditations, dance, yoga, singing, deep inquiry and reflections we begin to understand our inner landscapes, so that as women, we can collectively rise. We gather the support to continue forward as powerful women and

The connection with the sense of sisterhood, with female consciousness, is a key feature of rewilding, and one that Lythgoe says she feels is important.

Physiologically, she explains, women have an innate connection to the cycles of nature, to fertility, death and the phases of the moon. “When women gather together in nature, this breathes life into connections with the ways our ancestors communed with the land.”

But there are other reasons too, more challenging influences from modern life that rewilding can redress. “I think it’s extremely important for girls and women, to be taught, mentored and led by women.

In my own life, male role models have far outweighed female role models and it’s frankly been way out of balance,” says Lythgoe. “In addition, many women carry negative patriarchal views about their body and about listening to their body, about trusting their body, about accepting their body,” she adds. Connecting to nature, it seems, is a vital step in reclaiming the female body back from a culture which dominated by a predominantly dissociative masculine patriarchy.

At its core, though, rewilding is about deepening relationships - with ourselves, with each other and with the natural world. It’s about exploring our outer world, so we can better understand our inner worlds; paring back our modern distractions to allow us to hear our inner voice and create from there a life that is truly lived with intention and commitment. “I always return to that wonderful Mary Oliver poem: ‘What will you do with your one wild and precious life?” as a means to understand how important the opportunity for rewilding is,” adds Lythgoe.

Indeed, what could the wild world, teach you about your wild soul?

26

“Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love” – Brené Brown

51

26

Going it

alone Guided meditation apps have sold themselves as the way to Zen for modern women. But what happens when you decide to break up and go it alone? Grace Anderson finds out

53

M

y phone is a meditation graveyard.

Headspace, Calm, Ten Percent Happier, YogaGlo, Insight Timer, Ensō – I have them all. They make for lovely wallpaper. But have they put me on the path to inner peace and enlightenment?

No, they have not.

‘It’s not an instant fix,’ says Martyn Newman, a clinical psychologist specialising in emotional intelligence and mindfulness. ‘These techniques require practice to refine and develop, like any skill.’

To keep up with modern life in all its time-saving, ‘there’s-an-app-for-that’ glory, are we making the mistake of trying to ‘buy’ inner peace – to rush something that, by definition, cannot be rushed?

Clinical psychologist and author Nick Wignall explains: ‘Meditation apps tend to reinforce two common misconceptions about mindfulness meditation: that it’s complicated and that it’s easy . Both of these can lead to discouragement and giving up.’

The apps can be truly revolutionary resources, introducing meditation and mindfulness to millions who, previously, might not have known where to start.

But they can also hinder our practice, forcing us to follow prescribed and even unhelpful patterns of thought. Not to mention the deep irony of their being hosted on the very things from which we need to take a mental break. After all, what steals our attention more than smartphones?

‘Guided meditations are great for beginners, because they really lower the barrier to entry,’ says Nickolas Grabovac, author of the 30 Days of Mindfulness programme (30daysofmindfulness.com).

‘However, I’ve noticed that students of mine who mostly use guided meditation don’t progress nearly as rapidly as those who have weaned themselves off it.’

‘No one knows us better than ourselves,’ says Kintsugi Editor-in-Chief Al Reem Altenaiji. ‘While I have known for years how to meditate on my own, having studied with some of the great teachers around the world, I still fell into the trap of apps and guided meditations.

‘But recently I decided to sit quietly by myself, outside, and to trust that I knew what to do and what my

mind needed. It was a completely revolutionary experience. I began to notice that someone else’s voice during this time actually felt intrusive and interrupted my awareness.’

Guided meditations, helpfully, pull you back to your practice when your mind begins to wander. But after a while you start to rely on that external reminder, rather than pulling yourself back. So you’re not training your own mindfulness to help you in those situations.

‘It’s a vicious cycle,’ suggests Grabovac. ‘You use the guided meditations because, without them, your mind

wanders during your meditation. And part of the reason is that you haven’t developed your mindfulness to the point where it’s capable of preventing that wandering – or, at least, reducing the frequency with which it occurs.’

‘I see apps as being like training wheels when you’re learning to ride a bike,’ says Newman. ‘They are very helpful. Until the training wheels come off and you develop independence in your practice, it’s difficult to get depth and to keep moving forward.’

But what of that less-than-healthy attachment to our phones? The average person ‘checks in’ on their phone a shocking fifty-two times per day. That adds up to around four hours of staring at a screen. So the very act of picking up a phone to meditate seems almost madly counterintuitive.

‘We’re training our brains to be distractible,’ says health journalist Catherine Price, the award-winning author of How To Break Up With Your Phone. So we might open Headspace with the best of intentions, but the mere act of picking up the phone might cause us to notice an unopened email, or a Twitter update that pulls us down a time-wasting rabbit-hole.

‘We are constantly interrupting ourselves,’ says Price.

‘Even if the distraction is short, we’re still pulling ourselves away, and that means we have to devote more time to getting back to what we were originally doing.’

And that Pavlovian need to ‘quickly check something’ – a need effectively drilled into our subconscious by clever developers – doesn’t switch off just because we’re meditating.

So what can we do?

‘If you’ve done the meditation enough times that you don’t need to be reminded of its actual mechanics, it’s no longer necessary to use the guide,’ says Grabovac. ‘There’s a transition period where it’s difficult and can even feel scary and uncomfortable. You need to develop new skills, so you need to practice. ‘It can feel like a big setback or step backwards in your practice. That’s actually not the case. You need to develop a level of mindful awareness that helps you deal with your mind wandering and spacing-out during your meditation.

‘Being mindfully aware of thoughts, once you get good at it, clues you in ahead of time that you’re about to lose your meditation object and go into mind-wandering. It’s like a real-time early warning system. You notice when thoughts that used to hang out in the background of your awareness start to move into the foreground. You notice them becoming more predominant and can head them off before they capture your attention and take it away from the meditation object.’

The good news is that it doesn’t take long to develop sufficient mindfulness to deal with the mind wandering. ‘And then you’re not only independent, you can also develop the full potential of your meditation practice,’ says Grabovac.

‘While mindfulness meditation is certainly challenging, it’s not particularly complicated, either in theory or practice,’ says Wignall. ‘In fact, here’s everything you need to get started with mindfulness meditation in twenty-four words: “Pay attention to the physical sensation of breathing.

If you find yourself distracted and your attention wandering, gently return your attention to your breath.”’

Need more guidance to lose the guidance? See overpage for a helpful checklist. For now, I’m not deleting all my meditation apps. But I definitely check in with them less and trust myself more. It’s a start.

54

Meditating without guidance

By Matthew Young of the Melbourne Meditation Centre (melbournemeditationcentre.com.au)

Most people find they meditate well when guided by a teacher. Without guidance, it’s not always easy. If you’re new to meditation, you might have good intentions, but no clear idea of what to do. Or you might have too many ideas, and not know where to start.

The following ‘mini-meditations’ will help you develop the confidence to meditate on your own. You can use them individually, as spot meditations, or sequence them in any order to provide a template for longer meditation.

A clever student of mine came up with a useful mnemonic with which to remember the six meditations: please release stress before something breaks.

That stands for posture; rocking; sinking; blue light; sounds; and bodyscan. If you can remember those, you should be able to remember the techniques, because they are all simple.

55

SINKING

POSTURE We often allow our bodies to slump or twist. We sit with crossed arms and legs, and a crooked spine and neck. But when you make a few minor adjustments, you’ll notice a difference in your comfort, stability, ease and openness.

•

ENSURE YOUR FEET ARE FLAT ON THE FLOOR.

•

KEEP THE KNEES WIDE APART SO THAT YOUR BELLY CAN HANG OUT AND SO THAT A SUPPORTIVE TRIPOD IS MADE FOR THE BODY BY THE BUTTOCKS AND EACH KNEE.

•

SLIDE BACK IN YOUR CHAIR AS FAR AS POSSIBLE SO YOUR BACK IS SUPPORTED AND YOUR SPINE UPRIGHT.

•

LET YOUR ARMS HANG LOOSELY, YOUR HANDS RESTING LIGHTLY IN YOUR LAP OR COMFORTABLY ON YOUR THIGHS.

•

TILT YOUR HEAD SLIGHTLY FORWARD, TUCKING YOUR CHIN IN, SO THE BACK OF YOUR NECK FEELS BROAD AND OPEN.

•

SOFTEN YOUR GAZE AND ALLOW YOUR TONGUE TO REST SOFTLY AT THE BOTTOM OF YOUR MOUTH.

•

TAKE A FEW MOMENTS TO FEEL THE STABILITY AND COMFORT OF THIS POSTURE. NOTICE HOW SUSTAINABLE IT FEELS.

SOUNDS Some people prefer to do this one earlier in the sequence; for example, after rocking. The instruction is simple: just listen.

TO KEEP YOUR MIND OPEN, RECEPTIVE AND CURIOUS, YOU MIGHT ASK YOURSELF: •

WHAT IS THE MOST OR LEAST OBVIOUS SOUND I CAN HEAR?

Attend to the following parts of the body: left foot, right foot, left thigh, right thigh, left buttock, right buttock, left arm, right arm, whole body.

At each part, spend a few moments noticing the contact it makes with the floor or chair. Then get a sense of that part of the body softening, sinking, or becoming heavier. Let go of any tension in the surrounding muscles and enjoy a sense of softening and relaxation.

BLUE LIGHT Imagine a line running through the centre of your body, from the base of your coccyx to the top of your head. Then visualize or feel the breath flowing up and down this line: from the coccyx up to the crown as you breathe in, and back down as you breathe out.

To aid this visualization, picture each breath as a blue light, gently rising or falling. (Alternatively, just get a feel for the breath floating up and down the spine.) Continue for a minute or two – or longer if you like – and then take a few moments to notice how centered or stable the body feels.

BODYSCAN If you follow all the instructions above, you may feel, at this point, as if you are flying through the stratosphere in the middle of the night. A flight attendant wakes you and hands you a steaming washcloth. Dab it on your forehead, feeling the warmth and softening of the brow.

Continue across your body, noticing whatever sensations come to light, and imagining the warmth of that washcloth as it soothes each part that it contacts.

•

YOUR SCALP, FOREHEAD, TEMPLES AND BROW

•

THE BRIDGE OF THE NOSE, EYES AND MUSCLES AROUND AND BEHIND THE EYES

•

CAN I HEAR MY OWN BREATH?

•

WHAT ELSE CAN I HEAR FROM WITHIN MY BODY?

•

YOUR CHEEKS, MOUTH AND JAW

•

WHAT SOUND HAS THE HIGHEST OR LOWEST PITCH?

•

YOUR NECK, SHOULDERS, ARMS AND HANDS

•

WHERE DOES THIS SOUND RESONATE IN MY BODY?

•

THE RISE AND FALL OF THE CHEST

•

DOES THIS SOUND VARY OVER TIME?

•

THE EXPANSION AND CONTRACTION OF YOUR LUNGS, IN ALL DIRECTIONS

•

ARE THERE SUBTLETIES AND LAYERS TO THE SOUNDS THAT I AM MISSING?

•

YOUR LOWER BACK AND THE CONTACT IT MAKES WITH THE CHAIR

•

YOUR ABDOMEN AND THE ORGANS OF THE TORSO

•

YOUR GROIN, HIP FLEXORS AND MUSCLES IN THE HIPS AND PELVIS

•

THE CONTACT OF THE THIGHS WITH THE CHAIR OR FLOOR

•

YOUR LEGS, THE SOLES OF YOUR FEET AND YOUR TOES

USE YOUR IMAGINATION, BUT SPEND YOUR TIME SIMPLY ENJOYING THE SOUNDSCAPE, RATHER THAN INVENTING QUESTIONS.

ROCKING Gently allow your torso to sway from side to side. Just a small movement will do. In fact, you could just imagine the movement. Then, slowly, allow the rocking to become smaller and smaller – until, of its own accord, the torso comes to a point of balance. Then do the same with your head. Notice the resulting sense of balance, stability, stillness or centeredness.

Finish by flooding your entire body with attention. Take your time to emerge from the meditation; perhaps drawing in a few deeper breaths, revisiting the soundscape or opening your eyes and allowing them to slowly scan the room.

56

Notes from the past Embrace the healing power of music with the ancient Solfeggio frequencies.

By Karol Jankowiak of Attuned Vibrations

M

ost of us know the potential of music to enhance or change our mood.

From belting out power ballards in the car to singing hymns in worship or listening to Tibetan gongs in meditation, it’s reasonably well understood that sound can reach us on a unique level, altering how we think and feel.

This is because everything – including our bodies – is related to vibration and balance. Your body, like all matter, exists at different rates of vibration and has its own resonant frequencies. Therefore, sound and vibration play a fundamental role in our lives by affecting the physical, mental and spiritual levels of our human being.Sound vibration can even change the structure of matter. As you increase the frequency, the matter keeps forming more complex patterns.

The patterns are strictly the result of physical vibration.

Think of when you have been somewhere with a deep or loud bass music that reverberates through your body – the effect is physical.

While using music to improve our wellbeing is nothing new, there is one incredibly healing scale that very few are aware of, having been ‘lost’ over time due

57

to modern tuning practices. The Ancient Solfeggio Scale, known as “Just Intonation”, make up the ancient six-tone scale thought to have been used in sacred music, including the beautiful and well-known Gregorian Chants. The chants and their special tones were believed to impart spiritual blessings when sung in harmony. Each Solfeggio tone is comprised of a frequency required to balance your energy and keep your body, mind and spirit in perfect harmony.

Where do these tones come from?

According to Professor Willi Apel, the origin of the ancient Solfeggio scale can be traced back to a Medieval hymn to John the Baptist. The hymn has this peculiarity that the first six lines of the music commenced respectively on the first six successive notes of the scale, and thus the first syllable of each line was sung to a note one degree higher that the first syllable of the line that preceded it. Because the music held mathematic resonance, the original frequencies were capable of spiritually inspiring mankind to be more ‘god-kind’.

The original Solfeggio scale was developed by a Benedictine monk Guido d’Arezzo. It was used by

singers to learn chants and songs more easily. Today we know the Solfeggio scale as seven ascending notes assigned to the syllables Do-Re-Mi-Fa-So-LaTi. The original scale was six ascending notes assigned to Ut-Re-Mi-Fa-Sol-La. The syllables for the scale were taken from a hymn to St. John the Baptist, Ut Queant Laxis.

The rediscovery of the scale

In the mid-1970’s Dr. Joseph Puleo, an American physician found six electro-magnetic sound frequencies that corresponded to the syllables from the hymn to St. John the Baptist.

In other words, so people could live together in peace and communicate in harmony about the miracle in their lives, and how God blessed them to produce this ‘magic’, people’s true unpolluted spiritual natures required revelation. The above text seems to suggest that Solfeggio notes open up a channel of communication with the Divine.

Each syllable was thoroughly studied by Dr. Puleo and other professional researchers. David Hulse, a sound-therapy pioneer with over 40 years of experience, described the tones as the following

UT – 396 Hz turning grief into joy, liberating guilt & fear RE – 417 Hz undoing situations & facilitating change MI – 528 Hz transformation & miracles, repairing DNA FA – 639 Hz relationship, connecting with spiritual family SOL – 741 Hz expression/solutions, cleaning & solving LA – 852 Hz returning to spiritual order Why the modern world forgot about them

The Solfeggio frequencies were lost because throughout history different tuning applications have been used. Ancient tuning practices used a system of tuning to feature pure intervals between every note leading to a much purer sound.

The tuning practice adopted for western cultures from about the 16th century and used today is known as “Twelve-Tone Equal Temperament”, this mistunes all consonant intervals except the octave. Is it thought that our modern scale can create situations such ‘boxed-in’ thinking, stuffed and suppressed emotions, fear-based or lack consciousness, all of which then tend to manifest into physical symptoms called ‘disease’ or disease.

Our modern-day musical scale is out of sync when compared with the original Solfeggio scale. If we want to bring harmony in our lives, we need to replace the dissonant western scale with a web of subtle and clear intervallic relationships of the Solfeggio music. Let the music become once again a tool to raise human nature and a method to connect you with the Source.

Tune yourself back to the perfect vibrations

Nikola Tesla, the father of electromagnetic engineering, once said, “If you only knew the magnificence of the 3, 6 and 9, then you would hold a key to the universe”. The 3, 6, and 9 are the fundamental root vibrations of the Solfeggio frequencies.”

Albert Einstein stated: “Concerning matter, we have been all wrong. What we have called matter is energy, whose vibration has been so lowered as to be perceptible to the senses. There is no matter.” All matter beings vibrate at specific rates and everything has its own melody. The musical nature of nuclear matter from atoms to galaxies is now finally being recognised by science.

That is why these frequencies are so powerful.

They can literally bring you back to the original tones of the heavenly spheres and put your body into a balanced resonance. Solfeggio music is the key to the Universe. You can either throw it away or you can use it to find healing and harmony, health and well-being.

Just play the music!

To listen to the Solfeggio frequencies, including sound meditations perfectly tuned to them, visit attunedvibrations.com

THE ANCIENT SOLFEGGIO SCALE These Solfeggio frequencies make up the sacred Solfeggio scale: UT – 396 Hz Intent: turning grief into joy, liberating guilt & fear This frequency liberates the energy and has beneficial effects on feelings of guilt. It cleanses the feeling of guilt, which often represents one of the basic obstacles to realization, enabling achievement of goals in the most direct way. The ‘Ut’ tonwiefs, and ideas that have led to your present situations.

RE – 417 Hz Intent: undoing situations and facilitating change The next main tone from the Solfeggio scale produces energy to bring about change. This frequency cleanses traumatic experiences and clears destructive influences of past events. When speaking of cellular processes, tone ‘Re’ encourages the cell and its functions in an optimal way. 417 Hz frequency puts you in touch with an inexhaustible source of energy that allows you to change your life.

MI – 528 Hz Intent: transformation and miracles (DNA repair) Tone ‘Mi’ is used to return human DNA to its original, perfect state. This frequency brings transformation and miracles into your life. The process of DNA reparation is followed by beneficial effects – increased amount of life energy, clarity of mind, awareness, awakened or activated creativity, ecstatic states like deep inner peace, dance and celebration. Tone ‘Mi’ activates your imagination, intention and intuition to operate for your highest and best purpose.

FA – 639 Hz Intent: re-connecting and balancing, relationships Another frequency from the sacred Solfeggio scale. It enables creation of harmonious community and harmonious interpersonal relationships. Tone ‘Fa’ can be used for dealing with relationships problems – those in family, between partners, friends or social problems.

When talking about cellular processes, 639 Hz frequency can be used to encourage the cell to communicate with its environment. This ancient Solfeggio frequency enhances communication, understanding, tolerance and love.

SOL – 741 Hz Intent: solving problems, expressions/solutions It cleans the cell (“Solve polluti“) from the toxins.

Frequent use of 741 Hz leads to a healthier, simpler life, and also to changes in diet towards foods which are not poisoned by various kinds of toxins. Tone ‘Sol’ cleans the cell from different kinds of electromagnetic radiations. Another application of this sound frequency is solving problems of any nature. The fifth frequency of the Solfeggio scale will also lead you into the power of self-expression, which results in a pure and stable life.

LA – 852 Hz Intent: awakening intuition, returning to spiritual order Tone ‘La’ is linked to your ability to see through the illusions of your life, such as hidden agendas of people, places and things. This frequency can be used as means for opening a person up for communication with the all-embracing Spirit. It raises awareness and lets you return to spiritual order. Regarding cellular processes, 852 Hz enables the cell to transform itself into a system of higher level.

58

59

26

STORY OF

WISDOM

The seven wonders of the world A group of school children were asked to list what they thought were the “Seven Wonders Of The World.” Though there were some disagreements, the following received the most votes: • • • • • • •

Egypt’s Great Pyramids Taj Mahal Grand Canyon Panama Canal Empire State Building St. Peter’s Basilic Great Wall of China

While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student had not finished her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list.

The little girl replied, “Yes, a little. I couldn’t quite make up my mind because there are so many.” The teacher said, “Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help.” The girl hesitated, then read, “I think the “Seven Wonders Of The World” are: • • • • • • •

To see To hear To touch To taste To feel To laugh To love The room was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

The things we overlook as simple and ordinary and that we take for granted are truly wondrous.

A gentle reminder - that the most precious things in life cannot be built by hand or bought by man.

61

Unbroken

To rise above ourselves Najla Al Tenaiji

T

he ability to act with empathy, compassion is an important element to our success, both personal and professional. Compassion motivates people to go out of their way to help the physical, mental, or emotional pains of another and themselves. Compassion means to feel love and mercy toward another person. It means to have sympathy and desire to relieve the suffering of others. It means to show kindness and tenderness toward another.

63

My sister always is very fond of a quote from the Dalai Lama: “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.�

During my treatment journey, my sister practiced mindful compassion practice with me, teaching me to do the same. I have learned that the way to develop compassion in life is to make it a daily practice. But how do we do that? Below is a short guide, containing a few different practices that you can try to incorporate into your everyday life.

COMPASSION PRACTICES: 1. MEDITATE

Meditate upon compassion in the morning, think about it when you interact with others, and reflect on it at night. In this way, it becomes a part of your life.

2. MORNING RITUALS

Greet each morning with a moment of gratitude. If you’re not sure how to start, try reciting this one by the Dalai Lama: “Today I am fortunate to have woken up, I am alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others, to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others, I am going to benefit others as much as I can.”

3. EMPATHY PRACTICE

Think about your significant other or a friend, family member, or co-worker and ask yourself what has their mood been like in recent days? What’s going on in this person’s life that might be making them happy or sad, anxious, or angry? How are you contributing and what could you do or say to improve this person’s situation? Pick one person at a time and make your actions count.

4. COMMONALTIES PRACTICE

It’s human nature to focus on our differences but actually we all have far more in common than not. At the root of it all, we are all human beings and we all share basic needs. Instead of focusing on all the differences between yourself and others, try to notice what you have in common. Reflect on these commonalities and ignore the differences and see what happens to your relationships. One of my favorite exercises comes from Ode Magazine — it’s a five-step approach to try when you meet anyone, you simply tell yourself:

5. RELIEF PRACTICE BY VISUALISING YOUR HAPPY PLACE

Showing compassion for yourself is key to practicing compassion for others. Painting a mental picture of a place that makes you feel relaxed can actually calm your brain and body. Once you have a good picture of your “happy place,” close your eyes and take slow and regular breaths through your nose and out of your mouth. Be aware of your breathing and continue focusing on the place you’ve imagined in your mind until you feel your anxiety lifting. Visit this place in your mind whenever you feel anxious.

6. KINDNESS PRACTICE: THE GREATEST GIFT THAT YOU CAN GIVE OTHERS IS THE GIFT OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND COMPASSION .

Taking time to practice kindness creates a much more compassionate world. While there are a million different ways we can show kindness, my favourite ones include: •

Simply smile more – a warm smile is the universallanguage of kindness.

•

Increase your awareness and try not to judge others.

•

Be appreciative of all that you have and receive.

•

Keep a kindness journal – this is a great way to keep track of all the wonderful things in your life.

•

Look for opportunities to be kind – there is always, always, always something you can do to be kind to another person. And never underestimate how important these moments can be.

7. IGNORE NEGATIVITY

Sadly there is a lot of negativity in the world and it is easy to get swept up within it. When I find myself threatened by toxic negativity I refuse to become overwhelmed by it. Some simple ways I have found to do this include: • Limit your expectations of others.

•

•

Take charge of the conversation if you notice it has become very negative.

•

Be a light for others.

•

Strive to personify positivity.

Wear your enthusiasm like an armor against a negative person’s hostility.

•

Affirm your positivity by doing nice things for a negative person on occasion.

•

Compliment them for something they genuinely did well.

•

Keep in mind that the only person you have control over is you, so focus on your happiness.

Rise above and remain positive in any situation.

8. BEDTIME RITUALS: THAT HELP YOU REFLECT, RELAX, SLEEP AND SUCCEED

While our morning ritual can set an intention for our day ahead, nighttime is the perfect time to pause for a moment of reflection, to appreciate all the good things and to notice what we would like to improve.

This is my nightly routine

• Write down three things that went well that day, and three things that didn’t.

• Make tomorrow’s to-do list with focus on kindness.

• Night prayers to give thanks • Cultivate the forgiveness habit and go to sleep with a clean heart.

STEP 1: “Just like me, this person is seeking happiness in his/her life.”

STEP 2: “Just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering in his/her life.”

STEP 3: “Just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness and despair.”

STEP 4: “Just like me, this person is seeking to fill his/her needs.”

STEP 5: “Just like me, this person is learning about life.”

64

Set Directions, Not Goals While goals are essential to moving forward, we should never forget that it is in the journey that the richest parts of life can be found. Dr Asma Naheed explains why we must always consider our direction as much as the end result

“Our time is limited, don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living the result of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinion drown your own inner voice.

And most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

- Steve Jobs

G

oals are a necessary tool of lifeplanning, they guide you in the long run and motivate you in the short run. Goals help you better manage the limited time and energy you have, they define the path, so you don’t get lost or run around in circles. A clear goal tells you to avoid wasting time on the sidetracks. They are the best foundation for your drive to move forward in life, a concrete endpoint to aim for and get excited about. However, they are not the whole story. As with many things in life, the journey – and the direction that your goals have set you in – is just as important as whether you reach your end goal or not.

I have worked with many high achievers who have reached their goals, but ended up missing their lives in the process, trapped by the strict boundaries they have created. Often these people reach their goals only to discover that they were the wrong goals, that they were on the wrong path all along because no one taught them how to set goals that would give them the life and the career they truly wanted.

Setting the direction of your life journey is like adjusting the sails. Instead of setting life goals, I believe on setting a life direction, which means we need to figure out the things that would create a fun, meaningful, and compelling journey for us.

We can have all the potential in the world but without focus our abilities and talent are useless.

Think about how sunlight can’t burn through anything without a magnifying glass focusing it, in a similar way, we can’t achieve anything unless a goal is focusing our effort. Because goals are what give us direction in life. By setting goals for yourself you give yourself a target to shoot for. This sense of direction is what allows your mind to focus on a target and rather than waste precious energy shooting aimlessly.

The month of December is an ideal time to think about our goals. Ultimately, of course, it doesn’t matter if you don’t reach your end goal, as long as you are moving in the right direction, that is all that really matters. This exercise below may help in setting your own direction for the year ahead.

Ask yourself the following questions:

How do I want to spend my time?

What do I want to learn?

What I had learned so far?

Who do I want to hang out with?

Talk with? Collaborate with?

Where are my inspirations coming from?

Among all the things I could do in life, what do I care about most?

What are my high priorities?

66

“You can’t pour from an empty cup.

Take care of yourself first.”

- Unknown

67

26