I am Strong
September 2018
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The Road to Resilience Visiting museums is always at the top of my travel itinerary. For me, museums are a source of smart informal learning, the fastest way to travel around the world – past, present and sometimes future. I love poring over all the different historical artifacts on display. In Boston recently, I visited America’s fifth largest fine arts museum. Filled with paintings, drawings, sculptures, and a huge mixture of traditional and modern art, The Museum of Fine Arts’ atmosphere was unique, warm and welcoming. I was particularly inspired by the renowned and celebrated painting “The Great Wave off Kanagawa” by Japanese artist Hokusai. His most famous work, and one of the most recognisable works of Japanese art in the world, the image depicts an enormous wave threatening boats off the coast of the town of Kanagawa, and the area around Mount Fuji. The beauty of art is that every viewer describes a piece according to their own perception of it. And, so, I named it “Resilience”. This piece reminded me my own self - a resilient one. As a teen, I was a confident but quiet girl, with lots of responsibilities. My sister had a serious accident and our family went through considerable turmoil as we adjusted to our new lives. My mother left the country for her treatment, and suddenly I had to take care of my younger brothers, the household and myself. My feelings of resilience and happiness did not come right away. It was more like feelings of: “Why me?”, “What’s happening to me?” and “How do I manage it?” It was a long tough self-learning process, which taught me that patience is divine and there is always a reason to everything if we can just wait and watch. Every struggle makes us stronger and teaches us to fly. Time passed, and I developed a mechanism for managing all my responsibilities, which was not to put myself at the top of my priorities list. Putting myself
at the bottom of the list at such a young age was not easy, but it reminded me of that wise saying that life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce. Part of this self-teaching involved reading biographies of inspiring personalities and their words. I created an imaginary world with my inspirational heroes, who helped me to discover myself, and guided me to create my future path: “Awakening, bringing change into people’s lives.” Marie Curie was at the top of this list. She is a woman of science and of change – and her discoveries in radiation changed the world. She became one of the most important female scientists and her research is still vital to scientists and doctors today. She was the first person, male or female, to win the Nobel Prize twice, and her discovery of radium helped unlock the mysteries of the atom. Yet she came from the most unlikely of circumstances, and showed that through hard work and determination, anything is possible. Her struggle and passion are like a diamond, a simple piece of charcoal that handles stress exceptionally well. Now, after many years of following the path of women of science and Noble Prize winners, I have started many charity projects around the world. Every project has strengthened me emotionally and mentally. Every step towards caring for and changing the world uplifts me and deepens my faith. Every token of appreciation from people heals and brightens my soul. When someone says to me now: “How can you choose this path at such a young age?” I smile and reply: “I have been assigned to this mountain to tell others it can be moved”. awakeningmagazine.com Follow us on Instagram @awakeningmagazine
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CONTENTS 1 WORK
2 SELF
3 HEALTH
4 INSPIRE
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Professional resilience is no longer just a desirable skill - it’s a crucial one, and never more so than at work.
Bold Steps for Success Having courage is the key to living a successful life. Now is the time to be brave, says Rosie Rider.
Resilience at Work
Human resilience starts with nutrition When it comes to resilience, many experts are blind to the role of nutrition, but it is actually vital to our wellbeing, says Dr Phil Domenico
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Bouncing Back When mentally resilient people are challenged, they only bend, they do not break. How can you keep a positive outlook?
Arming your Defences Making yourself more emotionally resilient can help you deal with the pressures and stresses which affect your life.
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Olympic Resilience How important is resilience? We look at the best sportsmen and women for inspiration‌
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What Makes Families Resilient? Being strong as a family unit is about nurturing strength amid adversity.
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The Resilient Woman Seven signs that you can bounce back.
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Art Heals, Art Builds Art is a key method for building resilience.
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Story of Wisdom
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As-Samad
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The Importance of Failure By Dr Asma Naheed
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Work
‘‘You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf ” ~Jon Kabat-Zinn
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WORK
Resilience at Work Professional resilience is no longer just a desirable skill - it’s a crucial one, and never more so than at work
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Professional Resilience is: “The ability, in the face of difficulty, to retain flexible cognitive, behavioural and emotional responses.” Neenan and Dryden 2002
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aving a high level of professional resilience enables you to thrive in the face of the stressful conditions of contemporary work and life. High demand and ongoing pressure mean it is important to be able to stay on top of your workload and not get bogged down with instances of petty office rivalry, job uncertainty or the challenges of modern business. Even the workplace can become a demanding and challenging environment that affects both our physical and mental health. Arming ourselves against the effects of this ensures that work remains a fulfilling and important part of our lives, but not a debilitating or exhausting scene of worry and failure. Robertson Cooper, a workplace wellbeing company which pioneered a model of workplace resilience, says: “There is a widely held belief that people are either resilient or not – and that’s it. This is a serious misunderstanding because in fact, in certain work situations some people would be very resilient, whereas in others they might feel under extreme pressure and cope very badly. In other words, how
resilient someone is likely to be, depends on the situational challenges that they are confronted with. In the model used at Robertson Cooper the key aspects of personality that are important in determining resilience are: CONFIDENCE: Feelings of competence, effectiveness in coping with stressful situations and strong self-esteem are inherent to feeling resilient. The frequency with which individuals experience positive and negative emotions is also key. ADAPTABILITY: Flexibility and adapting to changing situations which are beyond our control are essential to maintaining resilience. In many situations resilience involves coping well with change and recovering from its impact. PURPOSEFULNESS: Having a clear sense of purpose, clear values, drive and direction help individuals to persist and achieve in the face of setbacks.
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WORK
SOCIAL SUPPORT: Being able to build good relationships with others and get support from them can help people to overcome adversity. Building up your own resilience means being able to recover from setbacks, to frame expectations, to suggest alternatives and use challenging situations as learning experiences for personal and professional growth. Resilient people demonstrate great flexibility, high energy, mental agility and consistently perform at their highest level. They also have strong relationships and support networks that help them to amplify their productivity and results. And, there are some key ways you can work towards and keep improving your professional resilience.
PEOPLE: You can overcome adverse situations in a more effective way when you feel supported. These means taking strength and solace from family, friends, colleagues, peers and your larger business network. HUMOUR: Laugh. As often as you can. Share laughter and humour with colleagues which will develop relationships, inject jokes and funny moments into meetings to get some perspective, see the humour when facing challenges to reduce stress. VISION: Focus on finding solutions, looking ahead, finding the best in a situation and knowing the difference between what you can and can’t change. How we feel is often a consequence of how we think and behave. Be positive wherever possible, empathetic with colleagues and willing to adapt and change when needed.
WELLBEING: Look after your health, exercise regularly, eat and sleep well, reduce your caffeine intake and increase your water intake, relax and try to find time to mediate every day.
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Professional Resilience is: “The ability to mitigate the effects of stress (ie factors such as emotional, cognitive, physiological, behavioural responses to work, the work environment or the organisations).� Levi, 2000 EU Guidance on Work Related Stress
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Self
“A good half of the art of living is resilience� ~ Alain de Botton
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SELF
BOLD
Steps for Success Having courage is the key to living a successful life. Now is the time to be brave, says Rosie Rider
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leanor Roosevelt once said: “Courage is more exhilarating than fear, and in the long run it is easier. We do not have to become heroes overnight. Just a step at a time, meeting each thing that comes up, seeing it is not as dreadful as it appeared, discovering we have the strength to stare it down.” Staring down your own success might seem like a strange concept, but it takes courage to aim high, it takes courage to take risks and it takes courage to achieve all you wanted. Success is what we all want. In whatever form that takes. But maybe something is holding you back. And maybe, that something is fear. If only our desire for success was stronger than our fear of failure. Fear holds us back, it cripples our potential and limits our worlds. We don’t take risks, so we don’t grow, and we stay small, the reality of our achievements unrealised because of that great hulking mass of fear that stalks us when we try. Defeating fear takes courage. It takes resilience and mental strength to keep going in adversity, to keep going when faced with doubters, to keep going when mistakes are made, to keep going when the way ahead seems unclear. A resilient mind is a powerful one, and it is one that finds success in anything it touches. Strengthening your resolve, practising and embracing courage is all part of the journey. If you can make courage part of your arsenal you will go far. Courage helps us to be deal with criticism. When you put your head above the parapet and decide to aim high, you open yourself up to other people’s opinions. It’s important to take people’s advice and listen to people’s concerns, but don’t place too much stock in other people’s opinions. And do not let them derail you from your goal. It can be daunting stepping out alone to a soundtrack of dissent, but this is where breakthroughs happen, where history looks back and see the person that had the courage to make the big change.
Courage helps us to lead. A recent quote doing the rounds says: “Work until you no longer have to introduce yourself.” This is the pinnacle of success, but with this success comes the need to be in charge and to be responsible for a team. People will look to you for answers. You will need to trust yourself, but also to have the courage of your convictions when making big decisions that affect the people you work with. Courage helps us to take risks. Risks comes with a chance of failure. But this is a good thing. Failure is just one step on the path to success. With every failure comes an understanding of what doesn’t work, information to take forward when you try again. Risks are necessary, mistakes need to be made - be brave enough to make them and bold enough to embrace the risk. Courage helps us banish our fear of success. It seems crazy but some people are subconsciously afraid of achieving their dreams. The path to get there seems too tricky to navigate, the risks too high, the chance of success too low. Some people are ashamed of doing well, self-conscious about achieving great things. This fear makes them dream small, it limits their potential, it is crippling. Courage is our most effective weapon against this. Use it as much as you can. “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts,” said Winston Churchill. So, embrace that courage and go in search of your dreams.
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SELF
Bouncing Back Like the proverbial bamboo in a hurricane, when mentally resilient people are rocked by challenging circumstances, they only bend, they do not break. But how can they keep this positive outlook in a challenging world?
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eing emotionally resilient means being able to weather the oncoming storm of relationship struggles, financial woes, professional uncertainty, family problems, loss, grief, depression, upheaval and change. Emotionally resilient people can adapt to adversity, and even welcome and learn from it. They deal with minor stresses easily, but have the tools to cope with more serious setbacks too. A combination of a natural propensity for mental immunity and learned and practised way of being means the emotionally resilient amongst us no longer run and hide from the difficult things in life, but can anticipate them, tolerate them and even learn from them. “It is shifting one’s objective in life from avoiding pain to building meaning, recognising that pain will be some part of the journey regardless,� says Brianna Wiest, a wellbeing expert, writing in Forbes earlier this year.
So what is it that makes people emotionally resilient?
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SELF KNOW YOURSELF Self-awareness is key. Understanding how you deal with uncertainty and challenges is a step forward in being prepared for them when they come. If you understand what you’re feeling and why you can control your responses to events. It also means you will also understand the feelings of others better too. So, teach yourself good self-care habits – give yourself time to process things, to understand yourself better, be present, be real and then move forward. Don’t hide from the realities of life, expect them, and be prepared for them. “Everything in your life that is sabotaging you is the product of being unwilling to be present,” says Wiest. “We shop, spend, eat, drink, dream and plan our way out of the present moment constantly, which means that we never confront the feelings that we are carrying around. Being present is essential for developing mental strength and emotional health, because it allows us to actually respond to our thoughts and feelings in real time, and to confront that which unnerves us before we adopt unhealthy coping mechanisms to eradicate it.” That said, not dwelling on things is also important, getting out of your head and simply being in the moment creates a freedom from over-analysing things. You need to strike the balance of knowing yourself well, but not indulging in destructive selfcriticism and analysis. KNOW THE DIFFERENCE Crucially, though, don’t let your struggles define you – you are anxious about something, but you are not an anxious person. You are frightened of something, but you are not a wimp. “Adopting an idea about yourself into your identity means that you believe it is who you fundamentally are, which makes it significantly more difficult to change,” says Wiest. Recognise that there is you and yourself, and then there are the things that happen to you. There are things you can control and things that you can’t. Practise acceptance and learning to know the true cause of your suffering. Emotionally resilient people believe that they, rather than outside forces, are in control of their own lives. If you are taking responsibility for what happens in your life, you will be more adept at problem-solving and solutions to problems and your reactions will be ones rooted in positivity and proactivity.
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SELF
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KNOW YOUR PEOPLE Surround yourself with good people. You might be a strong person, but you need strong support too. Friends and family who help and encourage emotional resilience are so important. Because even tough people need to ask for help sometimes - know that when you need to, it will be given with love and understanding. And equally, look beyond your literal support network for inspiration too. Being spiritual, in whatever form that takes for you, and being connected to your spiritual side, has shown countless times to be linked to emotional resilience.
KNOW THE POSSIBILITIES Emotionally resilient people see the positives in most situations. They believe in their own strengths, and trust that they can handle problems when they arise, rather than being of fearful of them arising in the first place. This shifts your mindset from a victim mentality to an empowered one. “Expect the fearful thought, but recognize that it is not always reflective of reality,� says Wiest. Employ laughter too. It is the best medicine in so many ways and actually affects how we physically react to stress. At times of challenges and uncertainty it can be a great way to get some perspective. Threats become something to overcome, not something defeating.
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Health
‘‘The secret to happiness is freedom... And the secret to freedom is courage’’ ~ Thucydides
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HEALTH
Human resilience starts with nutrition When it comes to resilience, many experts are blind to the role of nutrition, but it is actually vital to our wellbeing, says Dr Phil Domenico
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n June of 2012, the World Science Festival in New York City hosted a program called “How We Bounce Back: The New Science of Human Resilience.” Experts in the fields of psychiatry, clinical and social psychology, and Buddhism spoke of the genetic, environmental, psychological and cultural bases for coping with trauma, such as injury, death, natural disaster, and war. The emphasis was on education, preparedness, exercise, compassion and meditation to help people deal with difficulties. Surprisingly, not a single word was spoken about nutrition. Perhaps nutrition is taken for granted, beyond eating a well-balanced diet, or maybe they forgot to invite a nutritionist. Frankly, it was no small omission, since nutrition is at the very foundation of resilience.
It starts at the molecular level, where cells are protected from trauma by a host of antioxidants, fats, proteins and fibres that come from wholesome food and dietary supplementation. All living cells are buffered from stress by the glutathione antioxidant system, which detoxifies heavy metals and neutralizes free radicals. When this system becomes exhausted – from infection, radiation, emotional /physical stress, toxins, drugs, vaccines, pesticides or plastics – cells become vulnerable to mutation or destruction. Overwhelming the defences leads to many disease states, including autism, diabetes, heart disease, fatigue, cognitive/neurological disorders, kidney failure and cancer. Resistance to oxidative stress relies largely on our antioxidant defences, to stay strong in the face of disaster.
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HEALTH
Nutrients for Resilience A wealth of nutrients helps build a strong molecular defence system.
Glutathione is composed of amino acids cysteine, glutamic acid and glycine. Besides adequate protein, glutathione production requires selenium, magnesium and vitamin D, which many people are lacking. These should be the first line of treatment for trauma. For example, when mercury is ingested, the body’s first defence is a centipede-like protein called metallothionein, which dangles zinc atoms from its many legs. Mercury displaces zinc and is excreted before doing harm. The freed zinc activates proteins for immunity and tissue repair. Most people, especially vegetarians, are zinc deficient, and cannot make adequate metallothionein. The antioxidant vitamins C and E work with glutathione to protect various tissues. Alpha-lipoic acid and CoQ10 are specialised antioxidants that protect tissues and enhance energy production. The carotenoid antioxidants help protect fats from going rancid. Lutein and zeaxanthin carotenoids protect omega-3 fatty acids, to promote clear vision and healthy cognition. Carotenoids and other antioxidants help the skin resist aging and the arteries resist stiffening. Carotenoids confer a variety of positive health outcomes, yet over 95 per cent of people fall short on the carotenoid health index. The resilience of the arteries, brain, skin and eyes depend on them.
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Trillions of bacteria lining our intestines contribute significantly to human resilience. They help detoxify food and its metabolites, prevent infection, provide nutrients, and prime the immune system. They make the gut resilient. An argosy of fermented foods and prebiotics/probiotics can help improve health and wellness, and research in this area is booming. Resistance to depression, heart disease and dementia depends in part on methylation reactions carried out by the B complex vitamins. Taming inflammation starts with antioxidants, vitamin D3 and omega-3 intake. Strong bones depend on calcium, magnesium, vitamin D3, vitamin
K2, and other dietary factors. Resiliency relies on strong, healthy minds and bodies. Though not all nutrients have been discussed, hopefully the picture is clear. Resilience is a state of mind more readily manifested in healthy, alert and energetic beings. Procuring the right nutrients and avoiding a toxic lifestyle are the best means to strengthen resilience to withstand the inevitable difficulties of life. Dr. Phil Domenico is a nutritional scientist and educator with a research background in biochemistry and microbiology. Find out more here: www.thescienceofnutrition.me. This article first appeared in www.thehealersjournal.com and is reprinted here with their kind permission.
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HEALTH
Arming your Defences Making yourself more emotionally resilient can help you deal with the pressures and stresses which affect your life. But how can you do this? Emma Johnson finds out‌
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eveloping emotional resilience means making yourself more able to recover from challenges, losses, shocks or unexpected problems. It arms your body and mind with the wherewithal to deal with emotional uncertainty, pressure and stress. Research shows that, while some people are more naturally predisposed to being resilient, everyone can learn from it. Crucially, you will need to make some changes to your lifestyle, factor in some times to take breaks from the day to day, build a solid support network and ensure you are in good physical and nutritional health.
DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY Mind, the UK mental health charity, has written extensively on emotional resilience and their articles are always very informative and practical. They suggest: “Practise being straightforward and assertive in communicating with others. If people are making unreasonable or unrealistic demands on you, be prepared to tell them how you feel, and say no.” They also suggest using relaxation techniques, such as meditation, yoga, or even walking the dog, having a bath or listening to a podcast. Know what helps you feel calmer and make time for it. It’s especially helpful if this is an activity that is completely different from the things that are causing you stress. “Find balance in your life. Try making a decision to focus some of your energy on other parts of your life, like family, friends or hobbies. This can help spread the weight of pressures in your life, and make everything feel lighter.”
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HEALTH
SOLID NETWORK Even if you’re busy, or feel low or worried about things, making time for your friends is vital. And it will be time well spent. Mind says: “Sometimes just telling the people close to you how you’re feeling can make a big difference – and they might be able to help you out in other ways too. Try to resolve conflicts too, if you can. Although this can sometimes be hard, speaking to a manager, colleague or family member about problems in your relationship with them can help you find ways to move forward.” And don’t forget to consider support at work – whether that’s your boss, colleagues or the HR department. “Try not to worry that talking to your manager or colleagues about stress will be seen as a sign of weakness – your wellbeing is important and responsible employers will take it seriously.” TIME OUT Taking a break – both a physical one, or even a hypothetical one - is important. Mind says that being kind to yourself and giving yourself a break from being tough and expecting too much of yourself can really help. “Reward yourself for achievements – even small things like finishing a piece of work or making a decision. And forgive yourself when you feel you have make a mistake, or don’t achieve something.” And get a physical break too – whether it’s an hour in a local café or a week’s holiday, a change of scene is so important. “Time away from your normal routine can help you relax and feel refreshed. Even spending a day in a different place can help you feel more able to face stress.” STRONG BODY & MIND Getting enough sleep is a key tool in arming your mind against stress. And so is being fit and active. Mind says: “Being physically active is important for both our physical and mental health. Even making small changes such as going for a regular walk outside may help you to feel less stressed. Eat healthily… what you eat, and when you eat, can make a big difference to how well you feel.” A version of this article first appeared on mind.org.uk, and their quotes are reproduced here with their kind permission. (You can find the original article here https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/ stress/developing-resilience)
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HEALTH
Olympic Resilience How important is resilience? We look at the best sportsmen and women for inspiration‌
Research suggests that the ability to persevere and overcome setbacks is a key component in helping Olympic champions achieve their goals. But is it something that can be taught? And if so, can we apply the same sort of principles to help other people (such as students and businessmen/women) to develop a more resilient mindset?
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A HOT TOPIC Resilience is becoming a hot topic in the media. Terms like ‘grit’, ‘resilience’ and ‘persistence’ are becoming increasingly common, and politicians are keen for schools to improve student resilience. A recent study found that resilient students adopted positive behaviours to help them cope with stress, while another study found that resilience and selfregulation are closely linked. Indeed, asking for help is a strategy that many resilient people use. 7
GRIT VS. RESILIENCE Grit, which is a perseverance and passion for a long term goal, has been linked to success in a diverse range of settings, which include student grades, military training and even in national spelling competitions. But can grit be taught? Angela Duckworth, the leading researcher in this field, says it probably can, but that the research isn’t there just yet to tell us how to do so. The Sutton Trust highlights the difference between grit and resilience, noting that resilience includes a ‘positive adaption despite the presence of risk’. Although it may be too early to conclude how best to develop grit, a lot more is known about resilience, especially in elite athletes. Could we learn from the lessons in sport and apply them to other walks of life?
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HEALTH
OLYMPIC RESILIENCE Research fellow Dr Mustafa Sarkar has spent a lot of time studying mental resilience in Olympic Champions. Many of the elite athletes he has interviewed cite the importance of resilience in their success, noting that the path to gold medals is rarely straight-forward and simple. Based on his research, he has suggested several ways that Olympic champions developed resilience.
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STRENGTHEN YOUR CONFIDENCE FROM A RANGE OF SOURCES Drawing on a range of sources can make your confidence more robust. This can include your preparation, your previous successes or the faith that other people have in your ability. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS, FEELINGS AND BEHAVIOURS Avoid the temptation of playing the blame game. Externalising all your problems may protect your self-image for a little while, but is unlikely to help you get better in the long run. CONCENTRATE ON WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL Focus on what you can control, not what you can’t change or can only influence. This means focusing on the process, not the outcome.
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HEALTH
DEVELOP A POSITIVE PERSONALITY For the Olympians, this included being open to new experiences, being optimistic, competitive and conscientious, as well as being proactive. VIEW YOUR DECISIONS AS ACTIVE CHOICES NOT SACRIFICES This helps maintain a sense of control over the situation. This will also keep intrinsic motivation high. USE SUPPORT AVAILABLE TO YOU FROM OTHER PEOPLE Seek out people who can help you. This can include technical advice on what you are doing, or just social support to make you feel better when times are tough. IDENTIFY YOUR MOTIVATION FOR SUCCEEDING Identify what’s important to you. This will help keep you motivated and determined, especially when you have had a setback or your goal seems far away. FOCUS ON PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT Don’t spend too much time comparing yourself to others. This can increase stress and the fear of failure. As the director Baz Luhrmann says, ‘the race is long, and in the end, only with yourself.’ View setbacks as opportunities for growth – Ask yourself what you have learnt and what you would do differently next time. These sorts of questions can help improve your metacognition and growth mindset as well as resilience.
This article first appeared on blog.innerdrive.co.uk and is reprinted here with their kind permission.
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Inspire
‘‘Resilience is all about being able to overcome the unexpected. Sustainability is about survival. The goal of resilience is to thrive’’ ~Jamais Cascio
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INSPIRE
What Makes Families Resilient? Being strong as a family unit is about nurturing strength amid adversity. Marianna Pogosyan interviews resilience expert Dr Froma Walsh
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amily resilience has been defined by one expert as the family’s ability to ‘withstand and rebound from disruptive life challenges, strengthened and more resourceful’. From decades of research and clinical experience, Dr. Froma Walsh, one of the leading authorities on family resilience, has identified nine processes around the beliefs, organisation, and communication of families that can shape their response to adversity. Family resilience, as Dr. Walsh points out, is not just about weathering a storm. Rather, it’s about turning adversity into a catalyst for the family’s growth. It’s about enriching relationships and making family members more skilled at coping with future stresses. We all strive for resilience. Who wouldn’t want the ability to meet life’s inevitable challenges with grace? But how are resources for resilience built within a unit of unique individuals, circumstances, and dynamics? With the magic of the small, everyday things, it appears. A conversation here, an activity there. Word by word, bond after bond, families fill their wells with strength and wisdom, hope and creativity. And the reassurance of this common well of reserves becomes a big part of their resilience.
a positive outlook. Another one is making meaning of what you are going through in a way that facilitates your adaptation. I like the saying ‘master the art of the possible’ - understand that there are certain things you can’t change the situation and focus your energy on the things that you can change. There is also transcendence; the idea that there is a larger purpose. There are the family role models, like a grandmother who kept them strong because they knew that it was possible. And in a lot of cases, there was their spirituality. For example, single mothers would say: “I talk to God. He helps our family to get through.”
What has surprised you from your research on resilient families? The idea of strong families used to involve a set of traits: you either had them or you didn’t. But families come with various values and structures, and what matters are their interactional processes: how they support each other. In my research, I found that there was resilience not only in the ‘normal’ families, but also in the families that had gone through hard times. It was never about someone saying ‘I just did it on my own’ and ‘I had all the ingredients inside of me’. Rather, resilience was more about relational support from others. Another surprise was how adversity itself can turn into an opportunity to become stronger, together. Resilience is something that can be built at any point in the lifecycle, even in the most vulnerable families. As a clinician, it has helped me to see the possibilities for gaining resilience.
‘‘Families put processes of resilience together differently and creatively, like recipes’’
Is there something that resilient families seem to share? Most families put the nine processes of resilience together differently and creatively, like recipes. The beliefs or practices can be either skills or ways of thinking and being together that promote adaptation to the situation and enable families to have hope in really dark times. They can also enable family members to take action when they feel stuck or have
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How important is family resilience for the well-being of family members during challenging times? A basic premise in family systems is: The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. It isn’t just that you have a strong mother or father who holds everything together. Rather, there has to be a sense of common purpose and mutual interdependency. We are here to support each other and care about each other. When one falls back or needs help, the others will step forward. This way, the resilience of the family unit will trickle down to each individual, because each family member is participating in the resilience. For instance, when a parent starts to over-function and some of the kids end up feeling left behind, research shows that they’ll do much better if they participate. They could draw pictures, sweep up, or help Mum. The key is that everyone plays a part. It’s teamwork. A relational approach of resilience is how can we become strong on our own and build a network around us, that we are not forced to do it on our own. What can families who relocate between cultures learn from your research to better prepare themselves for the stresses of international transitions? For international adaptation, a lot has to do with openness. It’s easy and comforting to keep to yourself or the expat community. But immersion is important, and so is leaving your comfort zone. Start having conversations with people. Invite them to your home. Share a meal. In other words, go outwards and open your boundaries. It will enrich your experience while enlarging your heart and your mind. But don’t cut yourself from your past. If you were to cut off a plant from its roots and transplant it elsewhere, it will not survive. You have to bring some of its roots with it.
become practices that strengthen the resilience of the whole family. What parents impart onto their children and the way they carry themselves is so important. In a way, they are conveying a set of attitudes and beliefs to their kids. An attitude might be: “Look, isn’t it interesting?” rather than, “Oh my God, what is that?” So, if we start with the attitude “I am going to make the best of it!” then the kids will pick up on it. And, as part of communication, an important aspect in family resilience is to acknowledge the hardships. You have to sit with family members, comfort them, and acknowledge their feelings. It’s equally important to have joy together. It’s not just problemsolving. It is also finding things to celebrate, finding ways to have fun or to laugh at mistakes. In the end, it’s also about the outlook that we hold as individuals and as families. We can look at adversity and see all the ways that it can run us down. Or we can think of it as something that will transform and empower us.
How does communication nurture the family’s resilience? Communication helps family members feel more connected. For instance, children can prepare a meal with their parents when someone comes over. Or parents can take their children when they visit new places. Whatever the activity, parents can reflect on it with their children afterward and make meaning of the occasion by talking about it. Ask questions like: “What was that like for you? What surprised you?” Even collecting keepsakes and exchanging gifts can
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Marianna Pogosyan, PhD, is an intercultural consultant specialising in the psychology of cross-cultural transitions. This article first appeared in Psychology Today.
INSPIRE
FAMILY RESILIENCE BELIEFS
ORGANISATION
COMMUNICATION
Shared beliefs help family members find meaning in adversity, cultivate hope and positive outlook. They can be tied to faith or spirituality, giving individuals a bigger purpose. They help members see the crises as a transformative opportunity for growth and foster a ‘’can-do’’ attitude.
Refers to family structure, mutual support connectedness. Resilient families possess both flexibility and stability – they are open to change while remaining nurturing and dependable. Their connectedness enables them to establish security and collaboration within the family, and social networks in times of need.
Communication is open and clear, tolerant and encouraging. Emotions and opinions are expressed freely, fostering a proactive and collaborative spirit of problem solving. Family members can approach adversity and empathy and resourcefulness.
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INSPIRE
The Resilient Woman Seven signs that you have the ability to bounce back from your setbacks
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Whether it’s because of work, motherhood, relationships or health, most women understand what it’s like to face multiple stressors on a day-to-day basis. When we’re stressed, we have two options: either we buckle under pressure, or we soldier on and rise above the challenges.
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INSPIRE SHE IS IMPECCABLE FOR HER 50 PER CENT We are only stressed when we focus on aspects of the situation we can’t control. A resilient woman sorts out what she CAN control from what she can’t – and she’s on top of the things she can. She takes responsibility for what she contributes to any situation. SHE ACCEPTS WHAT IS AND WORKS TO MAKE IT BETTER She accepts things for what they are in the moment and focuses on what she can do to make them better. She is persistent in her efforts to achieve an outcome that is for the good of all. She is resourceful and comes up with ideas that no-one else would have thought of if they hadn’t devoted themselves to a solution like she did.
SHE HAS PERSPECTIVE When circumstances are hard, it seems like all you can see around you are problems and hardships. A resilient woman can always see the bigger picture – she knows that life will always have its ups and downs. She learns from the mistakes she made when she was less evolved. She also doesn’t wear her energy down by blaming others or blaming herself. She shows up curious, asks questions and stays focused on the facts. SHE HAS CONFIDENCE IN HER ABILITIE A resilient woman trusts herself and follows her intuition. She has realistic optimism, believing that the situation will work out for her and all involved but knowing that it will require hard work on her part. Her conviction also comes from deep faith. She stays connected to whatever source gives her a sense of purpose. She pours herself into doing for others in moments when she can’t even do for herself. SHE HAS A ‘GROWTH MINDSET’ Instead of having a ‘fixed mindset’ (I know what I know and I can do what I can do), she has a ‘growth mindset’ (I can learn what I need; I can grow). She sees the situation in terms of what she can gain from it and she is willing to try new things. She is ready to seek out advice from sources she trusts and who have been through what she is going through.
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This article first appeared on www.womenworking.com and is reprinted here with their kind permission
SHE ALLOWS EMOTIONS TO MOVE THROUGH HER The resilient woman honours her feelings and allows herself to feel them, knowing they are a reflection of her heart and her humanity. Constructive actions soothe her soul, like going for slow walks in nature, punching a boxing bag or dancing it out. She allows herself a good cry when necessary because she knows how to pick herself up and keep going. SHE TAKES CARE OF HERSELF Though she’s fiercely independent, a lot of people depend on her. Even though her life is busy, she knows she has to take care of herself. She finds a few minutes each day to close her eyes and breathe deeply to calm her nervous system. She also regularly refills her energy stores by exercising or finding things to laugh about. This woman knows that balance within herself enables her to have balance in her life. She knows how to ask for the required time and space to sustain herself.
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Art Heals, Art Builds Art, created within the safety of strong, positive relationships, is a key method for building resilience, says Neda Tavassoli
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esilience is defined as the ability to bounce back. But in my experience resilience is much more intricate. At Free Arts, where I am an outreach manager, we define resilience as the ability to encounter trauma or disruption, allow that experience to shake you, process and learn from that experience, return to your own sense of identity and belonging, and move forward in a positive direction. This is a lengthy process and how, you might ask, do we get there? We know that art, created within the safety of strong, positive relationships, is a key method for achieving resilience. Here’s why:
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Emotional Processing Art allows you to process your experiences and emotions outside of your head. When you create a painting of your emotions or a drawing of a difficult situation, you place that situation outside of yourself. It no longer defines you and, now that it is outside of your brain, you can more actively understand and problem solve. Art helps us figure out who we are. In a world where so many people turn to unhealthy ways of coping with trauma and stress (drugs, alcohol, self-harm), art gives people a positive way to process and reflect on their experiences.
Gaining Power Over Stories Creating about a traumatic experience allows you to gain power over that experience. Take the example of a young lady in one of our theatre camps, who, after never sharing her experiences aloud with anyone, wrote about her trauma in a spoken word poetry piece. After the writing, she realised that she had the power to control her experiences, rather than letting those experiences control her. She chose to read her poem aloud on stage to an audience of more than 300 people, and she watched as her story powerfully impacted audience members, inspiring them to also want to share their own stories.
Changing the Brain In addition to creating about past trauma as a way to process and shape identity, making art (or dance or music) can also physiologically impact the brain. A study titled, ‘How Art Changes Your Brain’, led by neurologists Anne Bolwerk and Christian Maihofner, observed “a significant improvement in psychological resilience” as well increased levels of “functional connectivity” in the brain amongst participants who engaged in art activities. If you are able to identify an artistic medium that really resonates with you, you may experience “flow” when working in that art form. According to Steven Kotler, flow is an “optimal state of consciousness where we feel our best and perform our best. In flow, concentration becomes so laser-focused that everything else falls away. Action and awareness merge. Our sense of self and our sense of selfconsciousness completely disappear”.
Working Through Challenges Art helps build resilience by teaching important lessons about working through challenges and mistakes. Take Jose, who works on his visual arts projects with maximum precision. At the beginning of Jose’s mentor program he would rip his projects in half as soon as he perceived a mistake. Over the eight weeks of the program, his mentors were able to work with him to help him understand that “there are no mistakes in art”. Together they came up with creative ways to use Jose’s ‘mistakes’ in his pieces. At the end of the program, Jose changed his framework for understanding mistakes and now referred to them as ‘happy accidents’ and created right on through them! Neda Tavassoli is the outreach manager at Free Artz - freeartsaz.org - where this article first appeared, It is reprinted here with their kind permission.
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- STORY OF WISDOM -
King Arthur and the Witch
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oung King Arthur was ambushed and He returned to his kingdom and began to poll imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and kingdom. The monarch could have killed even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but him but was moved by Arthur’s no one could give him a satisfactory ‘Such a question youth and ideals. So, the monarch answer. Many people advised him offered him his freedom, as long to consult the old witch, for only would perplex as he could answer a very difficult she would have the answer. But even the most question. Arthur would have a year the price would be high; as the to figure out the answer and, if after was famous throughout the knowledgeable man’ witch a year, he still had no answer, he kingdom for the exorbitant prices would be put to death. she charged. The question?....What do women really want? The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no Such a question would perplex even the most choice but to talk to the witch She agreed to answer knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed the question, but he would have to agree to her price an impossible query. But, since it was better than first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and have an answer by year’s end. Arthur’s closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified.
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She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur’s question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life! Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most
beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day... or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments? Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
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As-Samad The Eternal, The Everlasting, The Satisfier of Every Need The One who is eternal and above whom there is none. The One who is unaffected, unchanged, and without any needs.
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The Importance of Failure
by Dr Asma Naheed, Educational Psychologist, Special Needs Consultant and Public Speaker
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Success is good but failure is better. Why?
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ailure, as much as it hurts, is an important part of life. In fact, failure is necessary. Without failure, we’d be less capable of compassion, empathy, kindness and great achievement. We would be less likely to reach for the moon and the stars. The majority of scientists are wrong a lot of the time, and nearly all athletes fail many of the times they attempt a goal, a hit, or a basket. The rate of failure - and the heartbreak associated with it - is part and parcel of our everyday lives. So why then, do we take failure so hard? Because we forget that success is achieved through trying, and trying most often ends in failure. Failure is a matter of perspective, plain and simple. It is a redirection; and it shows you where you shouldn’t be. Failure is also an opportunity. It’s a chance to reevaluate and come back stronger with better reasoning Crucially, failure is not fatal. No matter how hard it may be, know that failure simply means you get another shot to try it all again. It’s no secret that our worst fear is often failure. “Failure is success in progress,” Albert Einstein once said. The great scientist was on to something.
Encountering our fears and failures prompts the most necessary changes in our lives and our business. Failure is a tough teacher, teaching valuable life lessons and skills. It also teaches us more about ourselves than success ever could. Failure creates opportunity. It instills courage, teaches perseverance and builds character. Failure spawns creativity. If necessity is the mother of invention, failure is the father. Nothing spurs creativity on like failure. Failure requires motivation. Winston Churchill once said: “Success is your ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.” The most successful people are simply the ones who didn’t give up. No doubt, life has challenges. There are many obstacles. Having goals is not enough. One has to keep getting closer to those goals, amidst all the inevitable twists and turns of life. Hope and resilience allows people to approach problems with a mindset and strategy-set suitable to success, thereby increasing the chances they will actually accomplish their goals. Failure encourages exploration. It teaches resilience and hope - and hope directs us towards our goals.
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This month I am.. .… Trying to solve..
Reading..
Listening to..
The Untethered Soul, Michael A Singer In this extraordinary book, spiritual teacher Michael Singer explores the question of who we are and arrives at the conclusion that our identity is to be found in our consciousness, the fact of our ability to observe ourselves and the world around us. By tapping into traditions of meditation and mindfulness, Singer shows how the development of consciousness can enable us all to dwell in the present moment and let go of painful thoughts and memories that keep us from achieving happiness and self-realisation.
Ted Talk: What Trauma Taught Me About Resilience, Charles Hunt Charles Hunt, founder of The Audacity Firm, is a visionary leader who now works with children and young people, building their resilience, and encouraging them to believe in bigger and greater things for themselves. ‘Hunt says that resilience is “a critical element of happiness, success and overcoming obstacles”.’
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“Do not judge me by my success, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again� ~Nelson Mandela
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“Hardships often
prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny” – C.S. Lewis
