A Letter to My Grandson

FROM STEVE BERNARDINI

comfortable place to work. People cared about each other. The students in the School were respected and given responsibilities, which helped them grow. Sometimes people made mistakes, even the teachers, but that was OK because everyone understood that it was part of the learning process. Because of this understanding, people felt empowered to work hard and create programs that would be fun for the students but also help them learn. This made everyone feel special. What a gift that was!

Dear Madden,

It’s been so wonderful having you with us these last few years. Dey Dey and BABA have enjoyed watching you grow from a baby into the little person that you have become. You are so energetic and fun. You have such personality, and you certainly know how to kick a soccer ball! Pretty soon, you will be old enough to go to school. That will start a whole new, exciting time in your life where you will play, learn, and grow in ways that you can’t even imagine now. You’ll make new friends, learn lots of things, maybe play sports, learn to play an instrument, or become an artist. You will get to explore who you are and what you are good at. It will be great!

You know, I used to be a teacher in a school called Buckingham Friends School. I taught there for 42 years! Can you believe it? I was teaching there even before your mommy and Uncle Mike were born. In fact, your mommy and Uncle Mike went to that school and had me as a teacher! It’s hard to believe…I know! I guess you are probably wondering why I was there for so long, and why Dey Dey and I sent mommy and Uncle Mike there, too. Well, it’s kind of a long story, but this is what I can tell you about it:

From the moment I arrived at Buckingham Friends School, I knew I was in a special place. You see, it was a Quaker school, which means that the people there trusted in the goodness of others. That made it a warm,

And I made friends with lots of wonderful people. Some of them were the people who worked at the School. They helped me learn how to be a better teacher and a better person. They taught me what it means to be a member of a community and what citizenship really is about. But I also made friends with the parents in the School, because I was working with their children to help them grow up. It was a partnership that always turned into a friendship, because that is just how the School was. I even became friends with my students, and many of them still write letters to me, even though they are no longer at the School. Receiving letters from alumni always makes my day. All of those relationships were my favorite part of teaching.

You know what is really interesting about my school? I was there for a long time, and I saw many changes to the School. Over the years, the parents’ ideas about what they wanted from the School changed. The students’ approach to school changed. Some of my friends who helped me and guided me left the School. Many new leaders came and went while I was at the School. But there was one important part of the School that didn’t change: its underlying principles and ideals. Even with all the changes that occurred over so many years, the people in the School never lost their sense of community and their understanding of what is truly important when educating children. Somehow, no matter what, they were able to preserve the sense of caring about every person and the genuine appreciation of each individual in the School. Remarkably, the values that were embedded in the community generations earlier never changed. That is just one of the miracles I experienced at the School while I was there.

You know what’s funny? As time went on, I realized that, even though I was a teacher to so many students while I was at BFS, I was a student in the School, too! My students and my friends taught me so much about education, working with people and being a member of a community. I learned acceptance and understanding. I learned about compassion and the power of forgiveness. I learned that we can’t expect people to be perfect, because people aren’t perfect! I learned that embracing one’s own vulnerabilities is the key to building relationships with others, and that listening is the most powerful tool in open, honest communication. As I look back on my time there, it is so clear that, like one of my thought-provoking Twilight Zone episodes, what appeared to be a context in which a teacher was instructing the students, was also a context in which the students were instructing the teacher. It was a career that was well-balanced and well-lived in that respect.

So, Madden, I hope that you will get to go to a school like Buckingham Friends someday, because in a school like that, in addition to learning about all the regular school subjects, you get the gift of growing up in a nurturing, loving environment where people care about each other and where values matter. It is where BABA, and so many other people, actually grew up. That is the extraordinary magic of Buckingham Friends School.

Before I end, I want to tell you a little story. It’s a story I wrote 30 years ago, called “The Great Oak.” I won’t tell you the whole story because it would take too long, but I wrote it for a friend with whom I had taught for 12 years. He was no longer going to be teaching with me, and that made me sad. The story went something like this:

“Long ago, the Great Spirit called upon an eagle to carry acorns in his talons to the next valley. On the way, he accidentally dropped one little acorn at the base of a giant oak tree in the middle of a forest. Now, the arrival of the tiny acorn forced the great oak into a difficult situation. With no help from him, the tiny acorn might die from the harsh conditions of the forest. On the other hand, if the oak chose to share with the acorn the bounty of nature, the oak itself might weaken and fall prey to unhappiness.

Well, as legend has it, the noble oak decided to part its roots to make room for the acorn to take hold. With the sunshine from above and the soil from below, the acorn slowly grew from seed to sapling. In time, the kindness and generosity of the great oak allowed the sapling to grow into a young tree. Because of its proximity to the oak, the young tree was sheltered from the winds and fury of nature and, over time, the roots and limbs of the two trees slowly grew together, strengthening both of them. As a result, they lived and worked with each other for years among the other trees in the forest.

But, one day, the great oak was called upon to leave that part of the forest. This made the young tree very sad. He had benefited from the kindness and guidance of his friend, and he wasn’t sure if he could make it, all by himself.

This was surely a problem for the young tree, but the answer was to be found in the wisdom of the great oak. He showed his young friend, in many subtle ways, that inexperience no longer dwelled in his branches. The great oak assured the young tree that his roots now ran deep with a wisdom of their own, and it was perhaps time to share it with other young saplings as the great oak had once done for him. As the young tree listened to his friend, he started to recognize that, even though they had worked so well together, the shade that the great oak provided to the young tree was also a shadow, and that perhaps the web of fibers that had been their strength was now so intertwined that it was limiting their growth. With this realization, the entangled fibers of root and limb slowly began to ease their hold and slip gently from each other’s grasp. The Spirit led the great oak to his new place, and the sun shone down on the young tree.

So it was that the great oak moved out of the forest, allowing the young tree to take root in the very soil that the great oak had once occupied. This benefited all the trees in the forest because it made room for them to deepen their roots, extend their branches, and flourish. It taught them that independence is a gift that leads to growth, and that kindness can bring strength to the great as well as the small. This was the message of the great oak.”

Before I close, I have two questions for you, Madden. “Who do you think was the acorn in the beginning of the story?” Uh huh…It was BABA. And “Who do you think is now in the position of the great oak at the end of the story?” Yes…BABA! Isn’t it amazing how a person’s life can come full circle?

OK, Madden. That’s enough for now. Thank you for reading my letter and for letting me tell you this story. I love you very much, and I always will.

Baba

Writer’s note: “The Great Oak” was written for Peter Pearson, upon his leaving the 6th Grade to become Head of School. He was just one of the many amazing mentors who helped shape my career at BFS. I am sorry that I couldn’t include more of the beautiful illustrations done by Erika Scott ‘93, who was in 8th Grade at the time of the writing. Finally, in case it is not obvious, what I was really trying to say in this piece is that I truly adore and appreciate all of you who have shared this amazing ride with me over these last 42 years. You have given me the gift of a lifetime, both literally and figuratively. It doesn’t get any better than that.

With much gratitude and love,

Steve Bernardini

1950s

Katherine (Kitsie) Converse ‘55

Art, curiosity, creativity, kindness and the outdoors. . . have roots in BFS as do Mrs. Haines and Peter Barry. Best to all! (Photo of me with Peggy Richie Weymouth, friends since BFS in the 40’s, now 70 years later each with 8 grands!)