Siblings in business

By Bernard Kliska

LTOT since Cain and Abel have sibI \ lings in family business played such an important role in the economy.

Twenty-five years ago, fewer than l}Vo of all U.S. family businesses were run and owned by sibling teams. Today it is estimated that siblings run between 4OVo and 50Vo of their family's businesses. They bring a variety of family dynamics into the picturesome positive and some, unfortunately, not.

On the plus side, siblings' long history together can create an extraordinary attunement and loyalty to each other and to the family. They have had years of practice at developing and appreciating how their individual strengths can complement each other, as well as years of practice at handling fraternal disagreements.

Psychologists know that optimal group performance is based upon little redundancy within the group and strong complementary skills, and siblings seldom develop along similar lines. One may be a numbers person, and another a people person. One may be detail-oriented, another sees the big picture and is more creative.

But siblings' complementary skills, and their long, shared history and attunement can be a bit like atomic energy, which has the potential for good or for destruction. On the negative side, siblings' relationships often involve competition, jealousy, and insecurity. People mistakenly assume just because they've reached a certain age or taken over a certain position in the company, they've left these feelings behind. Think again. One consultant recalls being admonished by a sibling because he always listed the brother's name first in his memos.

Another potential pitfall in sibling relationships: over the years, their patterns of relating to each other can become so entrenched that they cease utilizing their individual strengths effectively. They can lock into patterns of contentiousness or appeasement, either of which can shunt the family business off onto a siding or, even worse, derail it. decision-making, is a delicate but essential trick for managing both the siblings' personal and business relationships. This takes careful groundwork. A division of labor-perhaps one sibling managing the sales and the other finances. or one managing "inside" business and the other managing "outside"-shouldn't mean that one sibling has more decision-making power than the other.

Several guidelines can help to both utilize the inherent strengths of sibling relationships and avoid pitfalls.

Spend time to cultivate your personal relationships with each other. Don't let the family business relationship suffocate your long-standing personal relationship. Build in specifically designated non-business time together. A weekly or bi-weekly dinner, an occasional weekend trip or longer vacation will help nurture your relationship. Insist upon it, regularly plan for it, and when you get together on those occasions, keep business discussions out ofit.

Lay out cleanly and in great detail each sibling's responsibilities and areas of decision-making. Identify every joint decision-making area and agree on a plan ahead of time to eliminate conflict in those areas.

Several possible conflict resolution techniques exist. You might agree, when too much conflict arises, to use a board of directors, outside consultant, or binding mediation. Two brothers once agreed to alternate deferring to each other: whenever an impasse arose, one brother would make the decision, and the next time it happened, the other brother would decide.

One of the more common ironies among siblings in business is that they always remember to schedule regular business meetings, but tend to forget that regularly scheduled hangout time with each other is just as important.

Respect each other's autonomy at work, but share power equally. It is too easy to import the patterns of the older/younger sibling relationship into the family business. Respecting each other's autonomy, while still keeping in close communication and sharins

Beware of triangulation. Almost every family triangulates occasionally, especially during difficult times. Triangulation occurs when, instead of communicating directly with each other, family members deal indirectly, through a third person. Sometimes, regrettably, a parent initiates the triangulation. I have often seen this pattern when a patriarch has decided to turn the business over to his children but can't completely let go. However, often one sibling initiates triangulation, especially when one sibling has learned that he can influence the other by talking to a mother or father or to the other's spouse.

It often feels less threatening and more effective to get your way by triangulating, but in the long run, triangulating carries negative unintended consequences. It breeds resentment and confusion and backfires in unforeseen ways.

Henry, reluctant to stand up to his brother John's opinionated stubbornness, decided to "mention" to John's wife that John's stubbornness was "hurting the family business." She ended up telling John what Henry had said, John got angry with both his wife and Henry, an important business decision turned into a major battleground, and both brothers became further convinced that they couldn't trust each other to continue making business decisions.

Take your sibling's spouse and children into serious consideration. The trick here is to do this without triangulating. Don't use your sibling's spouse and children for indirect communication. This avoids putting your sibling in a difficult situationbetween the business (and his relationship with you) and his wife and children. It also provides reassurance to everyone that the family business is on his or her side. That short-circuits resentment and builds loyalty among everyone.

Keep ego out of it. That is a good general rule for family businesses to follow, but it is usually more difficult for siblings to do this. Sibling relationships are usually more emotionally charged and more competitive than any other family relationships.

The best preventative strategy for avoiding ego pitfalls dates back to Socrates: Know thyself. Make a list of your personal buttons that have been activated over the years in your relationship with your sibling-either by yourself or by your sibling.

Have you historically tried to win his approval?

Has he tended to discount your ideas by seeing you as younger/more inexperienced/more naive?

What are your strong points that your sibling has often recognized?

What are your weak points that your sibling knows about, or that you're afraid he knows about?

Have you felt competitive with him? Do you think he's felt competitive with you?

How does this competition reveal itself-what do each of you do to gain the upper hand or to defend yourself?

Fill in the blanks: "I feel proud of myself when my sibling

I feel bad about myself when my sibling

-When conflict or difficult decisionmaking approaches, ask yourself whether you feel underappreciated, untrusted, or underprivileged. And-a bit more difficult but equally important-ask whether you're doing anything to make your sibling feel underappreciated, untrusted, or underprivileged. This list will help alert you to the dangers of ego interfering with decision-making as reliably as smoke indicates fire.

You could argue that the family business, despite the rocky relationship of Cain and Abel, survived and even did pretty well eventually. But think about how differently both the enterprise and the legacy would have turned out if they had managed to appreciate and utilize their differences more positively.

Today, sibling relationships are the wave of the new generation in family businesses. With a little work. vision. and self-knowledge, they can exemplify what is best about family businesses: attunement, loyalty, cooperation. shared vision. and harmonious prosperity.

- Dr. Bernard Kliska is an associate with Family Business Consulting Group, Marietta, Ga.; (800) 551-0633. He can be r e ac he d at klis ka@ efamilyb us ine s s.c om. Reprinted with permission from the authorfrom the Family Business Advisor, a copyrighted publication of Family Ente rorise Publishers.

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