Letting go of unhealthy relationships

THERE will come a time in your life when someone you thought was a friend turns out to be someone who does not have your best interests at heart. They are either pretending to be your friend for clout, competing with you, or are simply using you for their own advantage. It becomes especially painful if you discover that your partner is fooling around behind your back and gaslighting you into believing that you have a happy and healthy relationship. When relationships become unhealthy, you need to let go.

Letting go of people you have invested time and effort can take an emotional toll on you and can even manifest in health problems. I have had my share of heartaches and letting go of close friends, and I know that it can be extremely difficult especially for an overthinker like me. One way I coped was to stop making excuses for their behavior because they know full well what they were doing. As Rihanna’s song goes, “they were only sorry they got caught.”

If it is a continued pattern of behavior even after several confrontations, the best way to go is out the door. You also have to understand that you cannot change someone by loving them harder. Even if they say they will change, remember that words cannot be trusted. You can only know what someone is thinking and feeling through their actions, and actions speak for themselves. If they do not treat you right, find someone who will. At the end of the day, you need to surround yourself with people who will support your growth.

If possible, be clear in explaining why you are letting them go. Let them know how you will end the relationship. Depending on what they have done, it can either be a surgically clean separation, or a gradual disengagement. There are friendships that I ended abruptly because of the gravity of what they did to me, but there are also friendships that end naturally because of differences in location or beliefs. Depending on the circumstances surrounding the departure, you can let them know explicitly or through your actions. Either way, it will depend on what they have done.

Accept the fact that you might have played a part in encouraging unhealthy behavior. One way to do this is by being complicit about their actions and letting them get away with doing what they did. You teach others how to treat you based on your own reactions to their behavior. So, when you ignore the behavior, you are telling the person they can continue with it. But you should also not feel self-pity for allowing their behavior. Accepting that you played a part helps you learn the lesson so you will not repeat the same mistake in other relationships.

And then there are times when you are the main cause of their behavior. There are people who are passive-aggressive in how they deal with their resentment. And then there are those who will gaslight you into believing everything is okay, when in reality, they have been backstabbing and betraying you all along. The only logical thing to do in this situation is to let them go. Relationships thrive where there is mutual love and respect. If anyone takes who you are against you, the relationship is not worth it especially if you were being true to yourself from the start.

Forgive them for what they did but do not forget the consequences of their actions. Some actions like infidelity and other forms of betrayal will always leave a permanent mark in any relationship and will have long-lasting effects. You need to weigh the pros and cons of maintaining the relationship and act according to what will be beneficial to you in the long run. It might sound selfish, but you need to think in terms of what will be good for your mental and physical well-being. If you find yourself trapped in an unhealthy relationship, you need to start thinking of how to get out of it.

Do not invest all your time and effort on one person. I know we all have a best friend we always go to for advice or someone you just want to hang around. But do not allow everything to revolve around them. In any relationship, you need to have your own experiences and learning so that you can strengthen each other. If all your time revolves around one your world revolve around only one person will also lessen your support network because once they leave, you might find yourself with only a handful of friends.

Be thankful for what they have brought to your life. Remember that part of growing up is losing people along the way. They say that a broken clock can still be right twice a day. Similarly, some people come to our lives as lessons so try to discover what you need to learn from the relationship. These lessons will be helpful in your future relationships so you can avoid repeating the same mistakes.

Lastly, forgive yourself. Grieve your loss but take steps to move on. Allow yourself to be sad because time and effort spent with them cannot be taken back. But you can take back the peace that they stole from you. You can learn a new hobby or develop a new skill to compensate for the loss. You might surprise yourself that there were a lot of things you missed because a relationship has taken all of your attention. Take this time to enjoy your hobbies, bask in learning a new skill, or in the excitement of meeting new people.

Relationships come and go in our lifetime. Some will show us how to nurture and take care of others, while some will teach us lessons on what to avoid. Relationships become unhealthy when there is no mutual trust and respect. And when you find yourself in this situation, it does not mean you will never find new friends or a new love. You cannot stay in an unhealthy relationship and expect to grow because you cannot have it both ways. You need to let go so you can thrive and be where you need to be. n