Dear Butler, Do not judge me by my label. I am just me. From, Anonymous 1
Le D a is r n ab in ili g ty
I suffer from a mild form of dysgraphia, a tran scription disability which means I suffer from, basically, extremely poor handwriting due to im paired finger sequencing where my fingers are always minutely shaking when I'm concentrating. I was only diagnosed with it since I came to uni, and I know it sounds like a non deficiency but it does exist. While obviously not as severe as other learning disa bilities, as a young teenager it did greatly affect my self confidence that my handwriting was so outra geously dreadful.
I have a mild learning disorder which means that my reading and processing speeds are a lot lower than they should be I therefore struggle to keep up in lectures where a lot of information is presented for the first time To deal with it I have a concession to require lecture slides and hand outs in advance from lecturers rather than waiting until after the lecture or in some modules the end of term
This way I can start learning before going into the lecture
and therefore can keep up Since getting the disorder diagnosed part way through my time at Durham my average grade has increased by over "#$ so that I’m now on track to achieve the degree classification that I’m capable of
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Don’t judge a book by its cover (*names changed) At sixth form I had a part time job as a playworker for children with disabilities between the ages of 7 18. Run by a local children’s disability charity, for two hours a week parents could drop off their children knowing that they were in safe hands. After working there for a couple of months, I noticed that when one boy Tom* walked through the door, an eight year old child with both physical and mental disabilities who needed a one to one when attending our events, the other playworkers would make a point of being busy so not to be picked to be his one to one for the evening. As an impressionable sixteen year old, I presumed that there must be something bad about being his one to one and also tried to avoid him. However, the boss knew I couldn’t say no and started to ask me to be his permanent playworker. At first I was annoyed and bored. Tom* couldn’t speak and often just wanted to play on his Nintendo DS; he didn’t want to play in the soft play or have a go at bowling. He would have a go on the Wii but only when we forced him and then he wouldn’t share and it would be tough getting him off it again. I found it hard to communicate with him and he never seemed to listen or respond to me. After a while, I started to realise how clever Tom* was. Although unable to speak, autistic and with some physical disabilities, he was able to work and play on his Nintendo DS often in multiple languages. When he started to bring in his communication aid in, a key board with a small computerized voice that could read the words he typed, he would get me to write in my name, my address or my favourite colour. When I spelt one of the words wrong, he would shake his head and tap my arm until I changed it, or would cor rect it for me. When I read stories to him, he would point to words he would want me to repeat along with the actions. Tom* started to enjoy going in the soft play area. We would play with the balls in the ball pool and when I hid them in his sleeve or his sock he would giggle. Often, he would just want to sit somewhere and play on his Nintendo DS but would start to rest on me and be upset if I had to go look after another child. Tom* was intelligent and loving and hadn’t judged me when I started to work with him, so why did I judge him? 3
m s i t Au
I have a brother who is diagnosed with autism, but he doesn't really fit the category of autism in terms of his symptoms. I think it's really important that we stop thinking of disorders as black and white categories be cause some people are just different, but they don't need to justify that difference with a label. He deserves to be treat ed just the same as everyone else, however different his mannerisms!
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D
n o i s s epre To me depression is like being dumped in a well, desperately struggling to stay afloat and also attempting to scramble up the walls to the distant light at the top. Every day is a constant battle to keep your head above water and not allow yourself to be consumed. On occasion you have the strength to attempt to climb up the walls but something comes along in your life to get you down again, and you lose your footing and slip back into the water. Only this time the light at the top is that little bit further away. You enter a never ending cycle and it feels as though you will be stuck in that well for ever. This has been my life for the last 8 years and each time I feel I hit rock bottom I discover that well can get even deeper. Over the last couple of years I have progressed, I feel a lot closer to the top of the well. At times I can even feel fresh air blowing through my hair. But I live in constant fear of falling back down and I know that I will probably spend the rest of my life in the darkness. I have learned to be happy, to see the bright side of most situations and to laugh like other people, but I will always have the thoughts in the depths of my mind. The thoughts of suicide, of ending the strug gle, have got rarer but I never know when I will lose my footing on the walls of the well.
I have clinical depression. Depression will affect everyone differently. For me it affects my self confidence. I feel worthless. Put simply I don’t think I deserve to be alive or to have people care or worry about. I self harm as a punishment and will push people who want to help away, although I need constant reassurance. I do not get up in the mornings. People think I am lazy but I just don’t like waking up and facing people. What I hear most often if I tell someone is “But you seem so normal.” I am not “normal” I am sui cidal but do not act on these thoughts because of my amazing family and friends. I am not going through a down patch, this is an everyday struggle and I have always been this way. Don’t tell me to get a grip, I have one, just a different one. Don’t tell me to just be happy, I am not unhappy. Don’t tell me to think more of myself, I can’t. Don’t call me unstable, I am very stable in my depression. Don’t call me dysfunctional, I function just fine. 5
Anxiety
When I first started experiencing anxiety I had no idea what was wrong with me. I noticed physical symptoms like having a racing pulse and began panicking about my health. Stressing over this made the physical symptoms worse. When my GP suggested that the symptoms could be caused by anx iety I was really surprised, I had no idea that it could have physical effects. I hadn’t really noticed changes in my thought patterns but once this was pointed out I saw that I was worrying more and often thinking catastrophically for example I was convinced my fast pulse was linked to a serious problem with my health. I did an NHS talking changes programme where I learnt to be more aware of my thoughts and feelings and learnt techniques to help challenge anxious thoughts. It helped a lot. I still feel anxious and some times get worked up with worries but I feel more in control than I did.
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I am not speaking from experience, but from the experience of dealing with a close family member with an anxiety disorder (undiagnosed). Like with all mental illnesses, these are often specific to the person and these are simply my personal experiences. We have all experienced anxiety, that feeling you got when you opened up your A Level results, when you’re about to give a talk to a couple of people or, in my case, when you lock your passport inside your case along your key to open said lock ten minutes before your gate opens for a flight. Imagine that feeling, that worry and sickness in the pit of your stomach, and then imagine having that feeling multiple times in a day. It is this that suffer ers of an anxiety disorder go through on a daily basis. This feeling of anxiety can be triggered by simple tasks. For instance, a simple cash transac tion in a shop may cause anxiety in terms of the correctness of the receipt, of the change given or if they did everything right. Leaving the house may cause anxiety in terms of whether all the appliances are off, whether the door is locked or whether the alarm got put on. Even using the internet can cause huge panic concerning the safety of any personal de tails (considering that this person would never use online banking), whether anyone is look ing at their emails or whether they’ve logged off the computer okay. All these things we may think nothing of and regularly do in a day, yet for the anxious it may seem a moun tain to climb. It’s tiring to be the person with anxiety and tiring for the people around. So how do you deal with it? Don’t tell someone to stop worrying. It belittles what the person is going through. Anxiety is much more serious and much more disabling to a person than worrying. Keep calm It can be frustrating to deal with someone asking you something that to you would be self explanatory. Often they want reassurance that everything is okay and you need to be able to give this in a calm manner. Encourage them to seek additional help Not everything can be answered with a pill and this is no exception. If you feel like you’re the only person they rely on, it becomes difficult for you to be only one they feel reassure them and can feel like you’re struggling with this on your own. Even if this involves encour aging the person to seek techniques in dealing with anxiety in everyday life, this is a step in the right direction. These pointers are not the “guidelines” given by the NHS but rather through my experiences of dealing with someone with anxiety; I have no idea of what med ical help there is to offer for anxiety disorders. I am by no means perfect, I often forget these things and say something I shouldn’t. I can get frustrated and angry when I’ve reassured them that the door is locked ten times but they still keep asking. My family member has not yet sought help but I’m trying my very best. 7
Welfare Mobile 07902 292 931 Welfare Email butler.welfare@durham.ac.uk Student Support Email jb.studentsupport@durham.ac.uk Resident Tutors 07599 817 889 Nightline 01913 346 444 Counselling Service 01913 342 200 counsel.service@durham.ac.uk Disability Service 07895 042 483 disability.support@durham.ac.uk 8