Of the Demons

Of the Demons “…delicious and diabolical.

A great read!”

M. S. Bell

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On The Cover “My Monster” Ink Drawing by M.S. Bell author’s collection

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Of the DEMONS by M. S. Bell

Belknap Publishing & Design Honolulu

Copyright © 2010 by Mary Scott Bell All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, digital, or any information storage and retrieval system without permission in writing from the publisher.

Requests for permission to make copies of any part of the work should be submitted online at www.belknappublishing.com, or mailed to the following address: Belknap Publishing & Design, P.O. Box 22387, Honolulu, HI 96823 ISBN 0-9816403-0-3

Acknowledgements “Nip in Chink Saves Yank” was published in The Rockford Review; “Helga’s Andrew,” “Mail Order Love” and “Dan Quayle Speaks” were published in Exquisite Corpse, A Journal of Letters and Life; “In the Key of Escape” was published in Poultry, a Magazine of Voice; “Tying Up the World” was published in Mythic Circle; “ ‘Snot For Me” was published in Art Times.

An Excerpt Chapter from Of the Demons by M. S. Bell

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Duet For Two Conductors by M. S. Bell

Duet for Two Conductors In deep trouble, the Beaux Arts Symphony Orchestra in Gatitos, California, had little where to turn after Maestro Frio de Bisqua resigned and pennies only remained in the coffers. At a meeting of the board, Uk Soong Ng, concertmaster and artistic director pro tem, spoke up. “We badly need new leader. Too difficult for me play violin and conduct at same time.”

Ed Smith, chairman of the board of directors and publisher of the Gatitos News Press, agreed. “Right. But must be man with appeal for concert goers,” he said, indulging a taste for foreign phraseology, “Frio de Bisqua, he fine musicologist but lack style on podium.

People stay home listen to CDs or watch TV.” Swerving from the worn track of Uk Soong’s orientalisms, Ed darted into Spanish. “Dios mio, you can see right into the ears of the musicantes on TV. You can see the sweat on the conductor’s brow, and it’s Leonard Bernstein’s or Seiji Ozawa’s brow, not some unfamiliar forehead. “Pero, carramba!” Ed snapped his fingers. “I’ve just thought of a team that might be no problema for us.”

“Think of team?” queried Uk Soong.

“Twin conductors—Raul and Ramon Dos Hombres.”

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Uk Soong drew back in doubt. “Confucius say, ‘No can step one foot on top two boat.’ ” “We don’t have one foot. We have whole orchestra,” Ed told him. “The Dos Hombres brothers claim duoconducting is an acquired taste but, once acquired, you won’t want to see a single man on the podium again.”

Raul and Ramon Dos Hombres arrived in Gatitos the following week and began work immediately. Ramon was violins, violas, flutes, clarinets, french horns, chimes and tympani while Raul was cellos, oboes, bassoons, trumpets, trombones, tuba, snare drum, cymbals and basses. Rehearsing Beethoven’s Eighth Symphony, Ramon brought the fiddles speedily through their leaps in the bustling allegro vivace while Raul cued bassoons for the inauguration of the subordinate theme. He then deftly caught the ball from Ramon for the first movement finale, a regular ha-ha from Beethoven who loved fooling listeners, in this case by having the basses take over the principle melody just when it was re-expected in the fiddles. In the scherzando and the minuetto, Dos Hombres teamwork guided strings, woodwinds and especially the brass down bouncy-pouncy byways and into the mellifluous trio for horn, clarinet and cello, the horns and clarinets responding graciously to Ramon’s firm baton and the cellos to Raul’s. Snags were struck in the jesting flipflops of the rondo-finale, but as members of the orchestra gained trust in the brothers’ co-conducting, brass, woodwind, strings and percussion joined in

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the Beethoven blast and stayed with basses, tuba, oboes and bassoons until the very last of the very last of the very last of the very last brisk, punchy chords at the end.

It was inspiring to see how well Raul and Ramon complimented each other, how they sashayed on the special, extra-wide podium (donated by Gatitos Lumber, Inc.), two black silhouettes, both tall and thin, with flowing locks of wavy auburn hair and looking not unlike lobsters in the sea of overhead lights. The night of their first concert the orchestra began with Rossini’s Roman Festival. Next came Mendelssohn’s violin concerto with Uk Soong Ng as soloist. After intermission, the Beethoven. As the last chords gave way to silence hardly a second elapsed before the audience went wild. Raul and Ramon were recalled to the podium time after time for in-unison bows as the audience chanted, “We want Raul! We want Ramon! We want Raul! We want Ramon!”

The next concert sold out. Donors who had previously withdrawn support returned to the fold and pledges were matched for the matching conductors. In a feature interview for the Gatitos News Press, Ed Smith asked about the twins’ background. “Who was your most important teacher?”

“Our father Adolpho,” answered Ramon. “From our earliest childhood in the Pyrenees, he is the one who teach us the tempo, the rhythm, the score reading, the meters­­.”

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“The phrasing, the emphasis, the tone, the volume,” continued Raul. “Our father was frustrated conductor from Barcelona who retire to mountains with huge library of records and scores.” He smiled at Ed. “You must to pardon my English. I know only little bit but, you can understand?”

“Perfectamente,” Ed reassured him. “And I love your accents. Don’t try to speak too well or it will spoil the European flavor, always a plus in music. Did your father train you?”

“With a score on the stand and a baton in the hand, he mount a home-built podium and conduct,” said Ramon.

“When we are boys, he make for us two tiny podiums to mount so we can conduct along with him. I always on the right side with the cellos,” said Raul.

“And I on the left with the violins,” Ramon chimed in. “Just don’t ever to change sides and everything will turn okay, our papa tell us.”

“Well, I don’t know about that,” demurred Raul.

“Oh, it’s true. Everything Papa say it’s true and I believe him,” said Ramon. “Look what good fortune we have in Gatitos. It’s a miracle.”

In two weeks Uk Soong Ng asked for a leave of absence to go on tour as a concert violinist. In his place the board hired Beatrice Buxomhuge from Cologne as the new concert-mistress. Since Beatrice had won top prizes at competitions in Tokyo and Bucharest, she was

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an incredible catch for Gatitos and the orchestra was puzzled by her advent.

“Ah, Buxtehude!” exclaimed Ramon. “The famous organ composer of Bach’s day. Your great-great-grandfather, perhaps?”

“Nein—Buxomhuge!” Beatrice insisted, and picked up her Cremona on which she briskly bowed a shimmering cadence of notes. “Different family altogether.”

“So why you come here?” asked Ramon after Beatrice’s further rendition of flawless passages from Beethoven and Viotti. “Gatitos is two-bit town. You could be darling of Chicago, New York, London, Paris.”

Beatrice set her fiddle down and blushed.

“You have some secret?” Raul guessed. “Some past deed to shame you?”

“No deed, but a predilection only must I hide,” Beatrice said with precise enunciation and a Germanic caste of grammar tenaciously dictating sentence structure. “Proud I am of all I do, though of how I feel judge may thoughtless others.”

“Hm.” Ramon rubbed his chin. “A person feel. A person may to act on this feeling. Sometimes it is necessary to restrain the self, no?”

Beatrice lowered quivering eyelids damp with encroaching tears. “As a violinist my skill the most important is. If you I do not please, away I will go.”

“Oh, no!” Raul stopped her from packing up. “We hire you. Of course we hire you.”

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Blond, blue eyed, and complexioned like thick cream in a glow of sunset, Beatrice appealed physically as well as musically to the Latin temperaments of Raul and Ramon, who claimed her arrival was another miracle and fell in love with her. At first, their relationship with Beatrice was that of a friendly threesome. They took her to the movies, motorcycled on their Hondas to the sea where they splashed in the California surf on sunny days.

But as ardor grew, so did a wedge between the brothers. “Let’s change sections,” said Raul one day. “I’m tired of cellos and basses. I want to see what the other side of the orchestra looks like.”

“But your expertise is in the deeper strings, the harsher brass,” reasoned Ramon, “the trumpets and trombones.

Whereas I…. ” “Whereas you,” interrupted the fiery Raul, “have the unfair advantage of taking Beatrice through all her musical moves.”

“You’re jealous, perhaps.”

“I’m not jealous!” Raul stamped his foot and tossed his head, the auburn locks shimmering hot denial in the dressing room where they were having this discussion in their native Spanish. “It’s easy to see Beatrice prefers me.”

Drawing himself up to the twins’ full height of 6’2’’, the forceful Ramon glared at his brother but remained calm. “I know it’s me she loves. I can see it in her cleavage. But look,­­ “He put his hand on Raul’s shoulder.

“Instead of changing sides, we’ll just say we’re changing

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sides. We are so much alike, the orchestra will never know the difference. I doubt if they really know who we are anyway.”

“But I will know!” Raul slapped his chest. “Beatrice may think it’s me conducting her but I will know it’s you and you will know it’s you.”

Ramon raised his hand and pointed toward the ceiling. “Remember what our father said. Everything will be fine as long as we don’t try changing sides.”

“You’re not Papa, you’re my twin!” cried the enraged Raul. “Why should I be relegated to eating apples when oranges are available? Who says I’m not supposed to conduct your side of the orchestra?”

They switched for the next concert—Schumann’s Second Symphony, Debussy’s Afternoon of a Faun, and Mozart’s overture to The Marriage of Figaro. In the Schumann the orchestra followed itself like Sherlock Holmes tailing a fugitive. The Debussy tottered like ten year olds learning ballet and the overture fell flat as a makeup class in elementary ice skating.

“Qué pasa çe soir?” spouted Ed Smith backstage. “The winds sounded like they were racing the strings and won by a noise. Half the audience walked out during intermission.”

Neither twin answered. Shoving Ed from their dressing room Ramon slammed the door. “Raul, this can’t go on. You’re foul with fiddles. I’m terrible with trombones.”

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“Then I’ll ask Beatrice to be my wife,” Raul declared.

“With her eyes on me in the boudoir I won’t need them in the concert hall.”

“Try if you like,” Ramon replied. “But I know she loves only me.”

Raul opened the door. Backstage the orchestra was milling and babbling way out of range of normal afterconcert chatter. None of the musicians had put their instruments away.

With her fiddle tucked beneath her chin, Beatrice was bowing passages from the Schumann in a jerky, puzzled fashion when Raul drew her into the dressing room. “My darling,” he told her, “your lips are oysters, your teeth are the pearls and your bosom a bank of flowers where I can to lay a tired head. Be my wife.”

“Ach! Nein!” Beatrice shrank against a wall. “Your wife I cannot be.”

Glaring at his brother, Ramon exclaimed, “I told you so!” then took Beatrice’s free hand. “I love you and am all ready to have your bosom for my life. Just say when.”

“Oh, nein, nein!” Beatrice set her fiddle down and, in a surprise move that bowled both brothers backward, grasped them passionately by their necks. “Never could I between you choose.”

“Choose! You must to choose!” Raul gasped.

“Agony to choose,” Beatrice moaned, “too much for me would be.”

“Take both of us,” the brothers chorused. “You have

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bosom enough.”

Beatrice collapsed on a couch. “And bigamy commit? A sin that is!”

Raul scrambled from the floor. “You have chosen and you have bigamy in mind with no result. Now remains just one more thing. Leave Gatitos and fiddle in some orchestra other.”

“Might that be where and?” Beatrice complained.

“What other orchestra twin conductors has?”

“Twin conductors?” Ramon said. “For what do you want twin conductors?”

“By them I am obsessed.” Beatrice covered her tearstained face. “My secret now you know. That is why here I came. The one place in the world with twin conductors!!”

The next day Raul and Ramon resigned their post and motorbiked to Minneapolis and St. Paul which they had heard were interviewing conductors for their twin city orchestras. Beatrice Buxomhuge pursued them on a second cycle. Gatitos invited Lady Philidda Malcome, artistic director of the British Noble Philharmonic (an orchestra of dukes, earls, and high born ladies who enjoyed playing musical instruments), to lead the BASO. Uk Soong Ng returned from his solo tour and took over as concertmaster. Still reeling from the effects of the Dos Hombres brothers, board members admitted Raul and Ramon had left an impression that would

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influence Gatitos for months to come. “Unt Beatrice tambien,” Ed Smith said. “Sorry am I that they’re gone.

If only together their act they could have gotten.”

Uk Soong nodded. “Good thing they not triplets,” he said.

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Complete Contents Nip in Chink Saves Yank 7 What It’s Like to be Me 11 Life with Dignity 14 A Home Entitlement 18 Duet for Two Conductors 21 The 13,000 31 Married but Looking 35 Diamonds are Forever Anyway 39 Ready for Takeoff 44 Helga’s Andrew 47 Of the Demons 53 Mail Order Love 60 ‘Snot for Me 66 A Hasty Pudding 71 F***BOOK 74 Other Abortifacients You Should Know About 78 Coming to a Sandstill 81 Please Pass Gestalt 87 Dan Quayle Speaks 91 In the Key of Escape 94 Tying Up the World 101 Cooking School 111 Treasure of the Sierra Padre 134 New Wave StandUp 146