The Competition Issue

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BUZZSAW Dog Eat Dog March 2013

News & Views

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Buzzsaw  presents...

BUZZSAW: The Competition Issue

EDITORS’ COMMENT

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Buzzsaw is published with support from Campus Progress / Center for American Progress (online at CampusProgress.org). Buzzsaw is also funded by the Ithaca College Student Government Association and the Park School of Communications. Our Press is our press. (Binghamton, NY) Buzzsaw uses student-generated art and photography and royalty-free images. Views expressed in this magazine are not necessarily those of the editorial staff or of Ithaca College. Feedback and contributions should be sent to buzzsawmag@gmail.com. Front & back cover by Anika Steppe and David Lurvey Table of Contents image by Anika Steppe Center spread by David Lurvey Upfront divider by Karissa Breuer Ministry of Cool divider by Mathea Millman Prose & Cons divider by Ryan Butler Sawdust divider by David Lurvey

Write Us Our magazine exists to inspire thoughtful debate and open up the channels through which information is shared. Your comments and feedback are all a part of this process. Reach the editors by email at: buzzsawmag@gmail.com

Table of Contents Seesaw .........................................................5 3ULQW PHGLD LV GHDG FKHFN RXW PXOWLPHGLD RQ WKH ZHE

News & Views .................................................6 &XUUHQW HYHQWV ORFDO QHZV TXDVL HGXFDWHG RSLQLRQV

Upfront .......................................................12 6HOHFWHG GLV HGXFDWLRQ RI WKH PRQWK

Ministry.of.Cool ........................................28 N Bews UZZSAW & Views

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buzzcuts

ON YOUR MARK The youngest-ever Olympian won a bronze medal for gymnastics at only

The odds of picking a perfect NCAA college basketball bracket are

1 10 years old. 9 quintillion - thefw.com

- opposingviews.com

In 2011, Fergal “Eyesore” Fleming beat Steven “Stare Master” Stagg in a

40-minute, 59-second staring contest.

BUZZSAW: The Competition Issue

- abc.net.au/

The Extreme Ironing World Championships started in Leicester, UK in 1997, and involves ironing laundry items in remote, dangerous locations.

The fastest badminton smash in history was hit by Fu Haifeng at

206 mph. - mybadmintonbook.blogspot.com

- oddee.com

Women made up approximately

41 percent SJ QEVEXLSR ½RMWLIVW MR four times as many as in 1980. - everydayhealth.com

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WE WILL FEATURE YOUR WORK! %VI ]SY E TLSXSKVETLIV E ½PQQEOIV SV E VEHMS NSYVREPMWX# =IW# ;I [MPP JIEXYVI ]SYV [SVO SR SYV [IFWMXI if it relates to the upcoming Buzzsaw theme. The next installment will be the Circus Issue — lions and XMKIVW ERH FIEVW SL Q] 8S FI JIEXYVIH WYFQMX E PMRO XS ]SYV GMVGYW VIPEXIH [SVO XS WIIWE[QEK$KQEMP GSQ

COMPETITION ISSUE FEATURES... FEEL AGAIN

After an unofrtunate ski accident, 17-year-old Chris Pierson lost his ability to walk. However, through physical therapy, Chris is learning to walk again. This documentary created by Stephanie Khoury explores the heart and hardship of his personal struggle.

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4VIWIRXMRK .IJJ (MVHEGO´W 2SR½GXMSR 4VSHYGXMSR ½PPQ EFSYX TVSJIWWMSMREP 1M\IH 1EVXMEP %VXW ½KLXIV from Dagestan, Shahbulat Shamhalaev. Shamhalaev came to the United States to train for the upcoming Bellator’s Featherweight Tournament. Watch the XLI WXVIRKXL SJ LMW ½KLX MR XLMW EXLPIXMG HSGYQIRXEV]

/EVM %FVEQWSR ERH )VMO .E[SVWOM´W ½PQ VIZIEPW XLI struggle of the Ithaca Community Quidditch team to become a recognized club at Ithaca College, Follow their season of broom-toting tournaments, as they ½KLX JSV XLIMV PIKMXMQEG]

www.buzzsawmag.org/seesaw/

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News & Views

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Messages of Mobility

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By Kaley Belval

BUZZSAW: The Competition Issue

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News & Views

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Long-term Strategy

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How much do we as American citizens question the authority of those in power, and, as a result, how far will our politicians ERH PIEHIVW I\XIRH XLIMV TS[IV [MXLSYX SYV E[EVIRIWW# WLYH SRZHU WUXO\ H[WHQG" 7KHRUHWLFDOO\ DQ\ 86 FLWL]HQ FRXOG EH WKH WDUJHW RI D GURQH VWULNH (VSHFLDOO\ DV UDSLGO\ VXUJLQJ WHFKQRORJLFDO DGYDQFHPHQWV OLIW VXUYHLOODQFH FDSDELOLWLHV WR D OHYHO WKDW HYHQ *HRUJH 2UZHOO ZRXOG KDYH GLIÀFXOW\ LPDJLQLQJ WKHUH LV QR ZD\ RI NQRZLQJ WKH WUXH SRWHQWLDO RI WKH PLOL-­ WDU\ RU &,$ 7KLV TXDQGDU\ EULQJV XV WR D QHZ OHYHO RI PRUDO XQFHUWDLQW\ 7KH 86 JRYHUQPHQW DQG FLYLOLDQ VXUYHLOODQFH DJHQFLHV KDYH ZRUNHG WLUHOHVVO\ LQ WKH QDPH RI QDWLRQDO VHFXULW\ EXW DV WKHLU HIIRUWV EHJLQ WR LQIULQJH RQ FRQ-­ VWLWXWLRQDO ULJKWV ZKHQ LV HQRXJK HQRXJK" 7KH FDVH RI $O $ZODNL KRZ-­ HYHU VHHPLQJO\ LQDSSOLFDEOH WR D GR-­ PHVWLF FRPSDULVRQ LW PD\ EH VWDQGV DV D XVHIXO FDVH VWXG\ 8QGHU WKH FRQVWLWXWLRQ $O $ZODNL KDG WKH ULJKW WR D WULDO E\ MXU\ RI KLV SHHUV DQG ZDV LQQRFHQW XQWLO SURYHQ JXLOW\ +H PD\ KDYH EHHQ DFWLYH LQ WHUURULVW JURXSV DEURDG EXW KH SRVVHVVHG WKRVH ULJKWV QRQHWKHOHVV ,W ZRXOG KDYH EHHQ OH-­ JDOO\ VRXQG WR DUUDQJH IRU KLV FDSWXUH ZKLFK LV FOHDUO\ SRVVLEOH JLYHQ RXU PLOLWDU\·V FDSDELOLWLHV DQG EULQJ KLP EDFN WR WKH 86 IRU SURSHU OHJDO SUR-­ FHGXUHV 7KH IDFW WKDW WKH 3UHVLGHQW KLPVHOI ZLOOLQJO\ FDVW DVLGH $O $ZODN·V ULJKWV LQ IDYRU RI DQ ´HDVLHUµ VROXWLRQ LV UHYHDOLQJ RI WKH GDQJHURXV PLQGVHW RXU OHDGHUV FDUU\ FRQFHUQLQJ QDWLRQDO VHFXULW\ 2EDPD KDV EHHQ KDLOHG E\ PDQ\ DV

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BUZZSAW: The Competition Issue

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10

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WKDW VROLWDU\ FRQÀQHPHQW PDNHV SULV-­ RQV DQG FRPPXQLWLHV DOLNH OHVV VDIH ,URQLFDOO\ VROLWDU\ FRQÀQHPHQW LV RIWHQ XVHG LQ 8 6 SULVRQV ZLWK WKH LQWHQWLRQ RI SURWHFWLQJ \RXQJHU LQ-­ PDWHV -XYHQLOHV ZKR DUH NHSW LQ DGXOW SULVRQV DUH VRPHWLPHV SODFHG LQ VROLWDU\ FRQÀQHPHQW ZKHUH ROGHU LQ-­ PDWHV FDQ·W JHW WR WKHP %XW DV 1%& UHFHQWO\ UHSRUWHG SHUFHQW RI WKRVH MXYHQLOHV DUH QRW LQ SULVRQ IRU YLROHQW FULPHV VXFK DV UDSH DQG PXUGHU DQG WKH RYHUZKHOPLQJ PDMRULW\ RI WKHP ZLOO HYHQWXDOO\ EH UHOHDVHG &DVHV OLNH (EHO·V LQYLWH XV WR WKLQN DERXW ZKDW RXU SULVRQ V\VWHP LV UH-­ ally for ,W·V WHPSWLQJ WR EHOLHYH WKDW SULVRQV H[LVW WR SXQLVK FULPLQDOV ³ WKDW WKH\·UH DERXW GHDOLQJ RXW MXVWLFH SURYLGLQJ FORVXUH IRU YLFWLPV DQG JLY-­ LQJ RWKHUV DGGHG LQFHQWLYH WR IROORZ WKH ODZ %XW WKH UHDOLW\ (EHO UHPLQGV XV RI LV WKDW PRVW FULPLQDOV ZKR JR to prison don’t stay in prison — they UHWXUQ WR FLYLO VRFLHW\ ZLWK GUDVWLFDOO\ UHGXFHG RSSRUWXQLWLHV DQG ZKDWHYHU WKH\ WRRN DZD\ IURP WKHLU WLPH EH-­ KLQG EDUV ZKLFK LV RIWHQ OLWWOH PRUH WKDQ SV\FKRORJLFDO GDPDJH DQG \HDUV· ZRUWK RI SHQW XS DJJUHVVLRQ 6ROLWDU\ FRQÀQHPHQW RQO\ H[DFHUEDWHV WKLV SUREOHP %XW SULVRQV FDQ DOVR EH D SODFH WR UHKDELOLWDWH FULPLQDOV ³ WR WU\ WR FRU-­ UHFW WKH EHKDYLRUDO ÁDZV WKDW OHDG WR FRQVLVWHQW FULPH (YHQ LI VRPH FULPL-­ QDOV DUH EH\RQG KHOS HOLPLQDWLQJ KDUPIXO SUDFWLFHV OLNH VROLWDU\ FRQ-­ ÀQHPHQW FRXOG UHGXFH WKH QXPEHU RI UHSHDW RIIHQVHV DQG VHQVHOHVVO\ YLR-­ OHQW FULPHV )RU WKH SDVW FRXSOH RI \HDUV WKH QHZV KDV EHHQ OLWWHUHG ZLWK FDVHV RI YLROHQW PHQWDOO\ XQVWDEOH \RXQJ PHQ ZKR FRPPLW KRUULEOH FULPHV 7- /DQH $GDP /DQ]D -DPHV +ROPHV :KHWKHU RU QRW (EHO LV UHVSRQVLEOH IRU Clements’ death, and whether or not VROLWDU\ FRQÀQHPHQW H[DFHUEDWHG KLV EHKDYLRU LW ZRXOG PDNH D ORW RI VHQVH WR VWDUW SD\LQJ PRUH DWWHQWLRQ WR KRZ ZH WUHDW ³ DQG SRVVLEO\ HYHQ produce ³ UHSHDW YLROHQW RIIHQGHUV ____________________________________ David Andersen is a junior writing ma-­ jor who believes in rehabilitation over UH LQFDUFHUDWLRQ (PDLO KLP DW GDQ-­ ders2@ithaca.edu.

Buzzsaw Takes a Sip... 3J -XLEGE´W QEVKEVMXEW By Carly Sitzer

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Viva Taqueria

Viva, located in the heart of the Commons, has long been considered a staple in Ithaca’s Mexican scene. Viva’s variety of margaritas offers several different takes on the drink. If you’re looking for the most “genuineâ€? margarita, I recommend “The Love Shack,â€? but if you’re up for a real challenge, try to order “The Goatâ€? without laughing. However, what makes Viva’s margaritas stand out aren’t the silly names that make each of them different, but rather the ingredients that they all share: fresh-squeezed lime NYMGI ERH VIPEXMZIP] PS[ TVMGIW 4PYW the only thing that makes a $5 margarita even better is a $4 happy hour margarita with happy friends, who get happier as the best two hours of every day go by. You know where to ½RH QI JVSQ T Q

EH WDNHQ LQ WKH IRUP RI D VKRW DQG DQ\ GULQNLQJ H[SHULHQFH ZRXOG EH HQKDQFHG E\ DYRLGLQJ DOFRKRO VROG LQ SODVWLF ERWWOHV 7KHQ , GLVFRYHUHG PDUJDULWDV :KLOH , FRQWLQXH WR EH JHQHUDOO\ XQVR-­ SKLVWLFDWHG LQ P\ FKRLFHV , KDYH OHDUQHG WKDW , FDQ UHO\ RQ WZR UXOHV WR GHWHUPLQH KRZ PXFK ,¡OO HQMR\ D FRFNWDLO WKH Ă€UVW LV how feminine the name of the drink is, and WKH VHFRQG LV WKH OLNHOLKRRG WKDW ,¡G Ă€QG P\-­ VHOI Âł RU DQ\RQH HOVH Âł GULQNLQJ VDLG JLUO\

Agava

Agava is newer to the Mexican scene in Ithaca,, and offers a more sophisticated atmosphere than its amigos in Ithaca. While Agava offers food of an undeniably higher quality than the other establishments, the frozen margarita wasn’t up to the standard — it was decent at best. We ordered frozen margaritas in convenient pitcher form; unfortunately, the only thing harder than trying to pour the margarita into your glass as the pitcher diminishes throughout the night is the struggle met by trying to drink a frozen margarita from a wide-rimmed glass. However, Agava does earn some points back for offering themed nights — I was lucky enough to attend on ‘90s trivia night. I’d be lying if I didn’t think the strong, frozen margarita was partially responsible for my ability to recite all of Diddy’s stage names — although my iTunes Top 25 Most Played playlist may have helped.

FRQFRFWLRQ RQ D EHDFK 2I FRXUVH ZKHQ VHWWLQJ P\ VWDQGDUGV WR ,WKDFD¡V PDUJDULWDV WKH PDUN RI D JUHDW GULQN LV LWV DELOLW\ WR EH WDNHQ PHQWDOO\ WR D EHDFK ³ HYHQ RQ WKH KDUVKHVW QLJKWV RU PLG DIWHUQRRQV RI ,WKDFD¡V ZLQWHU __________________________________________ Carly Sitzer is a senior journalism who is ORRNLQJ IRU D MRE 6HULRXVO\ (PDLO KHU DW csitzer1@ithaca.edu. (Serious inquiries only).

Loco Cantina

*YR JEGX -XLEGE 'SPPIKI´W NSYVREPMWQ HITEVXQIRX VIUYMVIW EPP NSYVREPMWQ QENSVW XS PIEVR E RSR REXMZI foreign language “through the 202 course level or demonstrated IUYMZEPIRX TVS½GMIRG] ² -´H PMOI XS think that my four semesters of Spanish were in preparation of this QSQIRX SJ WIVMSYW NSYVREPMWQ “Locoâ€? is the Spanish word for “crazy.â€? That’s an appropriate adNIGXMZI XS HIWGVMFI Q] I\TIVMIRGI at Loco Cantina. As in, I was crazy XS XLMRO XLEX - [SYPH IRNS] XLIMV margarita when I walked into this dingy bar, which supposedly specializes in the cocktail. The ambience of this Collegetown bar was awkward to say the least. It felt too dark and loud to be a restaurant, but too empty to be a bar.

News & Views

11

BUZZSAW: The Competition Issue

PFRONT. UPFRONT. UPFRO

12

Mapping the Native Landscape Indigenous land rights still a debate 400 years later By Abby Sophir

C

thing they wanted such as copper or gold, they would put in a strip mine on the reservation,â€? Audrey Cooper, a member of the Cherokee Nation, said. “They would take what they wanted and leave, depleting the resources.â€? As a result of these unjust and ille-­ gal acts, indigenous peoples were left with a minuscule amount of land and raw materials in their own control. “The Cayugas have no land. The Oneidas were left with 32 acres. The Onondagas have a couple square miles. That’s how much the lands

you did with it!’â€? Hansen said. Onondaga Lake has been called the most polluted lake in the country and the Nation wants to try and heal it. Their land claim, which demands a seat at the table in talking about en-­ vironmental justice, is called a “Land Rights Action.â€? They also want to re-­ move the toxic waste sites scattered about the area. For 200 years, indigenous peoples attempted to reclaim their lands but until recently they were denied access to the federal court system. When the

“What they want is a recognition that these were illegal acts by the state of New York and they want land back so they can operate their nations. You can’t operate a nation with no land because you’ve got nowhere for a nation center, nation of½GIW LIEPXL GEVI IHYGEXMSR ² - Brooke Hansen, anthropology professor

were decimated following the 1794 Treaty,â€? Hansen said. The Onondaga Nation’s traditional land encompassed a huge swatch of New York state including Bingham-­ ton, Oswego, Syracuse and Water-­ town. The annexation of this land meant not only the loss of valuable property, but perhaps equally as im-­ portant, loss of control over environ-­ mental regulation. “A lot of the Haudenosaunee or Iro-­ quois cultural philosophies are about preserving the environment. In the Onondaga’s case, they’re saying, ‘You took our land illegally and look what

GRRUV Ă€QDOO\ RSHQHG WR WKHP LQ WKH V WKH 2QHLGDV ZHUH WKH Ă€UVW QD-­ WLRQ WR Ă€JKW IRU WKHLU ODQGV EDFN LQ New York state court, followed shortly afterwards by the Cayugas in 1980. “What they want is a recognition that these were illegal acts by the state of New York and they want land back so they can operate their na-­ tions. You can’t operate a nation with no land because you’ve got nowhere IRU D QDWLRQ FHQWHU QDWLRQ RIĂ€FHV health care, education,â€? Hansen said. $ORQJ ZLWK LWV WDQJLEOH EHQHĂ€WV land holds great symbolic meaning to many indigenous nations. In a way,

13

Upfront

anoes and ships will sail side-­ by-­side down the Hudson River from Albany to New York City this summer in a symbolic reenact-­ ment of a treaty signed 400 years ago. In 1613, the Two Row Wampum 7UHDW\ EHFDPH WKH Ă€UVW RIĂ€FLDO DJUHH-­ ment between the Haudenosaunee indigenous peoples, also known as the Iroquois, of upstate New York and Dutch settlers. It outlined a mutual commitment to friendship, peace be-­ tween people, and a noninterference ethic, an oath that — to put it gently — has not been upheld. Some of the most distinctive evi-­ dence of European oppression of in-­ digenous peoples can be seen in land relations. This complex history is de-­ Ă€QHG E\ EURNHQ WUHDWLHV RYHUWXUQHG court rulings and illegal land grabs. In 1790, the federal government es-­ tablished the Indian Non-­Intercourse Act that recognized indigenous na-­ tions as separate and sovereign na-­ tions that only the federal govern-­ ment, not states, could make treaties with. This sentiment was reempha-­ sized in 1794 when George Washing-­ ton authored the Canadaigua Treaty. ´7KH &DQDGDLJXD 7UHDW\ VROLGLĂ€HG the notion that the federal govern-­ ment would never take away or dis-­ turb the indigenous peoples’ lands and would be a friend in perpetuity,â€? anthropology professor Brooke Han-­ sen, who has worked with the Cayuga Nation for over a decade, said. “One year later, the state of New York came in and annexed Cayuga land. But the state can’t do that, it was a violation of federal law. This is the basis of the Cayuga land claim and all Native American land claims.â€? A rhetorical shift also occurred in the 19th century and the nations once recognized as sovereign began to be LGHQWLĂ€HG DV ÂśGRPHVWLF GHSHQGHQW QD-­ tions’. They were no longer considered fully autonomous but rather an entity within the United States. The federal government allowed some indigenous peoples to keep the ‘reservations’ they lived on as communal land to oper-­ ate their nations but the government asserted oversight and the ultimate governing title, a very controversial nuance. “Indigenous people were herded like cattle and enslaved on reservations. When the Europeans found some-­

Photo by Kacey Deamer

BUZZSAW: The Competition Issue

an essential part of indigenous peo-­ ples history was lost when lands were taken according to Paige Bethmann, a Ithaca College sophomore and mem-­ ber of the Mohawk Nation of the Iro-­ quois Confederacy. “Land is something that’s very im-­ portant to Native people. A lot of their roots were from the land and a lot of their legends, stories, teachings come from those places,â€? Bethmann said. “Having them taken away and con-­ trolled by a new people is very hard for Native people to deal with. It’s like losing a part of their culture.â€? In the 1980 case, the court ruled in favor of the Cayugas, citing that New York state had in fact partook in ille-­ gal land theft. The nation was granted a portion of their land back along with monetary compensation; however, they never received the settlement. “The Cayugas’ spent over 20 years trying to get that settlement from the state of New York as the state appealed the decision,â€? Hansen said. “In 2005, a decision came that the 2nd Circuit Court threw the whole thing out on something called ‘latches’. Everyone ran to Wikipedia and other sources

14

asking ‘What the heck is latches?’ Turns out it comes from medieval common law or some other ancient foundation and it basically translates as, ‘It’s just been too long to deal with this so we’re going to throw the whole thing out.’â€? This decision was a devastating blow to indigenous nations across the country, as the Cayuga case set a precedent for all other land claims. Despite commentaries by Harvard Law professors stating that the Doc-­ trine of Latches cannot be used in this circumstance, the ruling has stood. “My opinion is that if the Court of Appeals said, ‘It’s just been too long to bring justice to these people because it was so long ago,’ then why do we still follow the Constitution? Was that not the same time period? Do you see WKH Ă€FNOHQHVV" Âś2K LW¡V ,QGLDQ VWXII VR let’s just make it go away,’â€? Hansen said. The obstacles faced by the indig-­ enous peoples in upstate New York are compounded by a long history of racism. When Hansen moved to the area in the late 90s she was struck by the blatant discrimination faced by

indigenous peoples in the region. She recalled seeing signs in yards with sentiments such as, “No Indiansâ€?, “Indians go Homeâ€?, “Scalp the Land Claimâ€? and “Go NRAâ€?. According to Hansen, any thought of Natives returning to the land brings out racist feelings in people. In her work with the Cayugas, she witnesses this on a regular basis. “We’ve seen it all, we’ve heard it all. In the last 15 years, we’ve head peo-­ ple say, ‘I don’t want Native people to move back to the area because they’re dirty, they’re alcoholics, they’re going to ruin our way of life,’â€? Hansen said. Amid an economic recession, indig-­ enous peoples are often the scapegoat IRU VPDOO WRZQ Ă€QDQFLDO WURXEOHV While there is a commonly accepted idea that no taxes are paid on indig-­ enous peoples’ lands, this is not the case. Since reservations are federal lands, they are taken off of the state property tax role; however, any busi-­ nesses on the territory must pay fed-­ eral income taxes just like any other business in the country. Current inhabitants of upstate lands fear that a switch of control to

then applied to have the land put into a federal trust through the due pro-­ cess that the government has laid out. As a result of this effort known as the Cayuga SHARE Farm, 20 Cayuga families have moved back to the area. Land recovery like this may bring Nations back together that have been torn apart over the last two centuries. “A lot of the Haudenosaunee people that are now living in California and Ohio might return if there was land,” Hansen said. “For example, the Onon-­ daga Nation has run out of space so their people are forced to move off res-­ ervation now. Alleviating space issues can help them develop as a nation, develop businesses to support them-­ selves and try to pull themselves out of the economic situation that many tribes are in.” Much of the misunderstanding and racism surrounding indigenous peoples comes from miseducation. Hansen and others are working hard to open students’ eyes to a more com-­ prehensive history of indigenous peo-­ ples in this country. “People are still ignorant to the fact that Native people live in houses, go to work, have jobs and are trying to make a living like everyone else. In peoples’ minds they’re still stuck in a teepee or wearing loin clothes,” Beth-­ mann said. Cooper is the lead event coordina-­ tor for the First Peoples Festival, one of several community efforts to dispel the media’s misguided representation of indigenous people. The festival is a day of celebration and sharing of in-­ digenous culture held in downtown Ithaca each fall. “The festival allows our indigenous vendors to sell the jewelry, paintings, sculptures and everything that they make. It also allows the community to be able to have a conversations with indigenous people,” Cooper said. “This is extremely important because it helps them to begin to build rela-­ tionships and create a better under-­ standing of indigenous culture.”

Hansen works in Ithaca schools where she challenges students to think about appropriate reparations for the injustices indigenous peoples experi-­ enced. She asks them to think in terms of our current obligations. “We live in the homeland of the Ca-­ yugas and we pushed them out. We weren’t the one’s who did it but don’t we have an obligation to these people who call this place home?” Hansen said. According to Bethmann, many stu-­ dents at IC are unaware that the cam-­ pus sits on indigenous peoples’ lands. While the new Native Studies program is a step in the right direction, she says a lot more need to be done. “Half the people I talk to wonder why there is a Native American Stud-­ ies program on campus if there aren’t any Native Americans here. I actu-­ ally overheard someone saying that!” Bethmann said. “It’s like ‘Wow, you’re actually sitting on Native American lands now. This is Cayuga territory!’” Until the tens of thousands of in-­ digenous peoples from upstate New York receive physical, monetary and symbolic compensation for the land and culture that was stripped from them hundreds of years ago, and until there is public recognition of an his-­ toric, illegal land grab, justice will not be served. ____________________________________ Abby Sophir is a junior TVR major who thinks if you can trace your great-­ great-­great ancestors to a landscape, then it’s yours. Email her at gsophir1@ ithaca.edu.

Campus Progress works to help young people — advocates, activists, journalists, artists — make their voices heard on issues that matter. Learn more at CampusProgress.org.

15

Upfront

indigenous peoples’ hands would put local municipalities at a disadvantage since they would not receive the ben-­ HÀWV WKDW FRPH ZLWK EHLQJ SDUW RI WKH property tax base. To remedy this, in many cases, the federal govern-­ ment has volunteered to compensate for that loss in property tax. In addi-­ tion, businesses that develop on those lands, such as casinos, may more than make up for the loss. “When we talk about land it leads to anger and fear because those that own the land — maybe their ances-­ tors stole it or it was given to them illegally — are afraid that the indig-­ enous peoples of that area in asking for land back will take their land,” Cooper said. Despite many obstacles, indigenous SHRSOHV KDYH QRW JLYHQ XS LQ WKH ÀJKW for land rights. The Oneida Indian Na-­ tion of upstate New York is currently awaiting a decision by the Supreme Court on whether or not it will hear their case regarding the legal status of a 300-­acre reservation. Oneida and Madison counties have been trying to foreclose on the land the Oneida Na-­ tion owns but has not paid taxes on. Hansen said the prospects for the Oneidas’ success are extremely bleak or to put it bluntly, “absolutely zero.” Although indigenous peoples’ land claims are unlikely to succeed in this political climate, indigenous peoples have found ways to work the system WR WKHLU EHQHÀW “What we’ve been doing with the Cayugas is encouraging a model of partnership between Native and non-­ native people whereby people buy land and return it to the Native na-­ tions or the Native nations start busi-­ nesses and purchase the land them-­ selves and then apply to put it in trust,” Hansen said. This model has proven successful on a small scale. Hansen was part of a group that bought 70 acres of historic Cayuga land and turned it over to the Nation. The Cayugas started buying up other surrounding parcels of land with revenue from gas stations. They

Getting Schooled

Public vs. private vs. charter schools in the millennial age By Amanda Hutchinson

O

nly six years ago, 87 percent of the United States student SRSXODWLRQ DJHG Ă€YH WR DW-­ tended public school. And in the six years since that 2007 measurement, that percentage has dropped each year as students move to private or charter schools, even homeschooling. Many parents are seeking non-­public education options for their children at a younger age before transferring into public schools — if at all.

it,’ we moved on.â€? He also said that even though his sister was a year and a half older, they had the same les-­ sons at the same time, so he came out ahead academically when he got to public school. While the availability of these differ-­ ent learning environments is designed to improve the education of the chil-­ GUHQ E\ RIIHULQJ Ă H[LELOLW\ LQ VW\OH VFKRRO RIĂ€FLDOV RIWHQ TXHVWLRQ ZKHWKHU the competition between schools ac-­

BUZZSAW: The Competition Issue

The National Assessment of Educational Progress, which is run by the Department of Education, has shown that private schools have consistently held higher test scores than public schools, and public schools have similarly been consistently higher than charter schools. Junior Shae Varmette, who went to a private Catholic elementary school in upstate New York and switched WR SXEOLF LQ Ă€IWK JUDGH VDLG KHU SUL-­ vate school education was noticeably better than that of public education, largely because of the attentiveness of the teachers. “I had a lot of trouble in math,â€? Varmette said. “I distinctly remember that I was put into a special group, and [teachers] paid really close atten-­ tion.â€? She said that if a student had a problem, the teachers at her elemen-­ tary school were very helpful and did a better job of explaining the concept than at the public school. Homeschooling also offers highly individualized attention, and unlike private or public schools, educators KDYH JUHDW Ă H[LELOLW\ LQ WKHLU FXUULFX-­ lum in terms of content and timing. 3HWW\ 2IĂ€FHU (ULF %URZQ VDLG KH DQG his older sister were homeschooled for elementary school in Nevada, and his mother developed an understanding-­ based pacing for the curriculum. “It didn’t matter if there were an-­ other dozen worksheets dealing with the topic,â€? Brown said. “Once we ‘got

16

tually helps improve the educational problems. For example, charter school com-­ petition in populated areas such as Detroit has decimated the city’s pub-­ lic school system. In his August 2011 article, Michigan State University pro-­ fessor David Arsen pointed out that charter schools in many areas are VWDUWHG ZKHQ SDUHQWV DUH GLVVDWLVĂ€HG with the public system. Therefore, as more kids leave the public schools to go to charter schools, it leaves public schools in an even worse state. Education professor Katy Craw-­ ford-­Garrett said that school competi-­ tion was evident when she taught in Washington, D.C. Middle and upper-­ middle class families would consider the cost of private school education when deciding whether to live outside the city or in it. “People have made arguments that the public schools are never going to get better if the people who have that kind of capital don’t invest in them,â€? Crawford-­Garrett said. She said that if the public schools are seen as only for poor or at-­risk students, they won’t improve without that push.

Another argument she mentioned was the idea that charter schools take funding and good students from tra-­ ditional public schools, but her ex-­ periences showed otherwise. At the charter school where she taught, there was a wide range of academic ability and many students were there because they had needs the public school couldn’t meet, including the need for a different social environ-­ ment. Each system has its merits, and standardized testing can’t accurately indicate the full success of a school or schooling system, but studies from the Department of Education show D VLJQLĂ€FDQW GLIIHUHQFH LQ WKH WHVW scores of public, private, and charter students. The National Assessment of Educational Progress, which is run by the DOE, has shown that private schools have consistently held high-­ er test scores than public schools, and public schools have similarly been consistently higher than char-­ ter schools. In 2011, for example, the average charter school fourth grader scored 237 out of 500 in mathemat-­ ics, compared to 240 in public school students and an average of 246 in re-­ ligious private school students. Despite the decision that public schooling faces, there are upsides to it. Varmette said she switched be-­ cause the public school offered more social opportunities and options for music and sports, and Brown said it ZRXOG EH EHQHĂ€FLDO IRU VWXGHQWV WR H[-­ perience the structure and diversity of public schooling at some point in their careers. A lot of the stigma against public schools is due to the horror stories of bureaucracy or overall bad schools, and Crawford-­Garrett said that public schools need to be protected. “Public VFKRROV DUH PRUH DQG PRUH YLOLĂ€HG now,â€? she said. “There are not enough examples out there of public schools doing good work.â€? ____________________________________ Amanda Hutchinson is a sophomore journalism major who has decided to homeschool her cats. Email her at a hutchi2@ithaca.edu.

Double Trouble?

A twin’s perspective on sibling contention

By Christopher D’Amico

“

ery music class. Unsurprisingly, it didn’t even take D IXOO \HDU IRU WKH FRQĂ LFW WR KHDW XS Winter break of freshman year I came home to a surprisingly antagonistic brother and a house full of the most deliciously homemade food I had ever tasted. As I stepped through the door I real-­ ized that my loud Long Island mother had become a beautiful angel in only WKH ZD\ D PRWKHU FDQ DIWHU \RXU Ă€UVW semester away from home. As Petey looked up at me with his big brown eyes, I couldn’t resist getting down on WKH Ă RRU ZLWK KLP DQG ZUHVWOLQJ XQWLO I stunk of dog dander and saliva. It wasn’t until after dinner that Steve started digging into me about what repertoire I had been working on for the semester. As I listed off what I considered to be a fairly substan-­ tial set of songs he preceded to roll his eyes and chuckle at the mention of various compositions. I looked at Petey, looked back at him, looked at Petey again and when he dodged my glance the second time I smacked both of my hands down on the dark wooden table, letting out a ring that shook each dirty utensil. Quickly the shouting began and soon enough Steve had picked up a math textbook from the table and was swinging it at my head. The sheer power of my ire DQG D Ă€QHO\ KRQHG GHIHQVLYH UHĂ H[ caused my leg to burst into a sponta-­ neous roundhouse kick that hit him smack dab in the face and sent him WR WKH Ă RRU It took me a second to see the stream of dark blood running out of his nose onto the carpet. He looked up at me, held his hand to his nose and said with a perplexed grin, “Get the Resolve or mom is gonna kill us.â€? Luckily for us the line had been drawn in the sand within a semester RI VWDUWLQJ VFKRRO ZH ZLOO Ă€JKW DQG we will compete, but it will take more than a kick to the face and a carpet covered in blood to come between us. ____________________________________ Christopher D’Amico is a junior vocal performance major who should not be bothered unless you want a round-­ house kick to the face (poor Steve). Email him at cdamico1@ithaca.edu.

17

Upfront

and larger fraction than just one half. Hey, Steve!â€? Sibling rivalry is no new concept, Instinctively I turn around de-­ spite the fact that my name is, but it is undoubtedly on the rise. Ac-­ cording to The New York Times, the and always has been, Chris. Masking my distaste with a plas-­ incidence of twin births has been on tered-­on grin, I correct this unknow-­ the rise since, with one in every 30 births in the US being twins, a 76 per-­ ingly mistaken peer of mine. “Oh, sorry, man. I thought you cent increase. Yet, coming in to your own as a twin were your brother. You guys look ex-­ can be an exhilarating and liberating actly alike.â€? Smiling through clenched teeth, I thing, but it also comes along with its manage to grit out a be-­ grudging “Don’t worry about itâ€?, my tone drip-­ ping with the saccharine sincerity learned from years of waiting tables. Chris and Steve. Steve and Chris. Like white on rice, we’ve been inseparable our whole lives. That is until we parted ways for college. Here is where I thought the compari-­ sons would end. The fact that we were both studying music was of little concern to me. We would be in different states, let alone schools. Yet, the world of vocal performance is a small and competitive one, and if anything, it only enhanced the rivalry I felt between my brother and I. Chris and his twin brother Steve at age 6. Undeniably this causes some issues, Photo provided by Christopher D’Amico but it also has its perks in that we can give each other help own set of baggage. Especially when and advice when needed. Sometimes school vacations turn into catch-­up it feels like nothing has changed and VHVVLRQV Ă€OOHG ZLWK VODQWLQJ MXGJ-­ he is still my other half. The days of ments and not-­so-­passive rivalries. ,W LV GLIĂ€FXOW HQRXJK LQ WKH ZRUOG speaking in our own language, a phe-­ of vocal performance, constantly be-­ nomenon known as “cryptophasiaâ€? according to TWINS Magazine but ing thrown into competition with your unjustly named “Stephen-­eseâ€? in our friends, let alone having a talented household because “Chris-­eseâ€? just brother at a top-­notch conservatory didn’t roll off the tongue as nicely, constantly lingering in the back of have been replaced with a musical your mind as you practice. As we get vernacular. But then, when I’m sit-­ older and the work we are both pro-­ ting in the pub and overhear some-­ ducing gets more and more complex one shout to their friend Steve, I dis-­ it is near impossible to not notice the WLQFWO\ QRWLFH P\ ODFN RI D UHĂ H[ DQG WLQ\ GLIIHUHQFHV DQG Ă DZV EHWZHHQ XV it strikes me that he is not here, and That kind of critical analysis is what that I am slowly becoming a larger we are trained to notice in nearly ev-­

Collegiate Competition

Application processes intense for applicants and counselors alike

By Samantha Guter

E

BUZZSAW: The Competition Issue

veryone has memories from high school — some say it was the best years of their lives, while others beg to differ. Senior year LQ SDUWLFXODU VHHPV WR EH GHÀQHG E\ prom, senior week, SATs and most importantly, college applications. 6ZDPSHG ZLWK SURPRWLRQDO Á\HUV and shiny folders holding the keys to their futures, high school seniors are ÀQGLQJ HYHQ WKRXJK WKH\ KDYH PRUH college options than ever, students need to make sure they are complete-­

ly well rounded in order to get into the college or university of their dreams. $GPLVVLRQV RIÀFHUV DW WKHVH LQVWLWX-­ tions are having similar issues: how they can they get the top students to choose to attend their schools when choices are ever increasing? Colleg-­ es and universities have found they need to adjust their tactics in order to stand a chance in getting the “stand-­ out” students to submit their deposit and secure a place in the incoming class. ,W·V D ÀHUFH FRPSHWLWLRQ WKHUH DUH more students applying to colleges than ever before. According to a study from the National Center for Educa-­

18

tion Sciences, 21.6 million students were expected to attend American universities in fall 2012, an increase of 6.2 million since fall 2000. Not only is the competition growing to get into these schools, but also there are more students to compete against. Those numbers are steadily increas-­ ing. NCES said in a study that there is an expected increase of 11 percent for students enrolling in colleges be-­ tween 2010 and 2020. High school students are also ap-­

counselor at Ithaca High School, said. “We’ve really tried to have the stu-­ dents understand that they have to do a lot of research in order to pick the schools that they would like to apply to.” She has seen students applying to more schools than a decade or so ago, but counselors at Ithaca High School try and encourage students to keep their list of potential schools smaller. “We really urge them to keep their list at about eight,” Gublo said. The decisions are even harder with this increase in choices so the tactics colleges and universities use in or-­ der to get students to attend have evolved. From campus tours to accepted student days or weekends, from stamped letters to per-­ sonal phone calls and Facebook groups, stu-­ dents are receiving attention from these schools in more ways than ever before. Adding to the compe-­ tition for students and schools alike, there has been an increase of tar-­ geting towards interna-­ tional students. Alan Cubbage, vice president of university relations at Northwestern Uni-­ Photo by Buzzstaff versity, said that the admissions team has plying to an increasing number of increased their recruitment towards schools in response to the growing international students, “and as a re-­ competition. The 2011 State of Col-­ sult [Northwestern] has more interna-­ lege Admission Report, released by tional students.” The National Association for College Gublo agreed, though pointed out Admission Counseling, found that 25 WKH GLIÀFXOWLHV IRU VWXGHQWV DSSO\LQJ percent of high school seniors applied to schools because of this, for larger to seven or more schools, up from 23 and smaller schools alike. “Colleges percent from the 2010 report. This are wanting diversity on their cam-­ decreases the likelihood that each puses, and it might actually be clos-­ accepted student will actually attend ing out a few students out of the top the university or college that they are schools which then causes that trick-­ accepted to. le-­down effect,” Gublo said. “It got a little out of hand several Gerard Turbide, director of admis-­ years ago where some students were sion at Ithaca College, said the role of applying to 12, 15, 20 colleges,” Sha-­ admissions is really to attract the at-­ ron Gublo, the college and career tention of these top students and en-­

classes, we look very closely at their high schools, and ask if they took advantage of the opportunity to take challenging courses.â€? And it is more than just excellence in the classroom, but also engagement and interest in these institutions. “Not only do students have to make their case to the admissions about ‘look at my credentials, look at my en-­ gagement,’â€? Turbide said. “But then the other part of that conversation, is you come to campus for an Ithaca Today program, this is what’s here for you.â€? Gublo said in order for a student to be great and in presenting themselves to colleges, it’s important for them to be honest and to realize where their strengths and passions lie. “I think it’s important for students to be involved in the community, be involved in the school, and do it from their heart and be committed to what-­ ever it is they are passionate about‌ They need to be involved honestly and to the best of their ability,â€? Gublo said. $GPLVVLRQV RIĂ€FHUV DJUHH WKDW IRU D college to be right, it’s not necessarily the name — it’s where you feel com-­ fortable, and that is the most impor-­ tant thing in the admission process. ´:H ZDQW LW WR EH D JRRG Ă€W ,V WKLV a place [the student] is going to be happy, is this a student we want on the Northwestern campus?â€? Cubbage said. Turbide said that ultimately the right college is the one where you feel comfortable, and students end up where they feel right, regardless of the whirlwind of competition that is now surrounding the college admission process. “For many students, when they get here on campus, it feels right. There’s D Ă€W $QG WKDW¡V WKH ZD\ LW VKRXOG EH In the end you’re looking for the right Ă€W Âľ 7XUELGH VDLG ____________________________________ Samantha Guter is a freshman jour-­ nalism major who beat out the com-­ petition to be a Bomber. Email her at sguter1ithaca.edu.

1 BIOLOGY 2 3 COMPUTER SCIENCE 4 CRIMINAL 5 JUSTICE 6 7 NURSING8 9

BUSINESS ADMINISTRATION & MANAGEMENT

COMMUNICATIONS

ELEMENTARY EDUCATION

MARKETING

PSYCHOLOGY

POLITICAL SCIENCE 10 19

Upfront

courage them to see if Ithaca is a right ´Ă€WÂľ IRU WKHP ´0XFK RI ZKDW P\ RIĂ€FH LV DERXW is that outreach and telling the story and identifying students and working with them to get them to campus, to encourage their application and ul-­ timately for those for which it is the ULJKW Ă€W WR HQUROO Âľ 7XUELGH VDLG But even though schools are do-­ ing their best to reach out, many stu-­ dents and their families are struggling Ă€QDQFLDOO\ LQ WKH IDFH RI KHIW\ SULFH tags that come with the brand name that many elite schools offer, which adds importance to the decision itself. “We talk to families about this a lot, this is a huge decision. It’s a huge in-­ vestment,â€? Turbide said. “You spend not just tuition dollars, you’re going to spend four years here‌If [families] are doing the college search right, they’re gauging not just cost, but val-­ ue. Hopefully they’re not looking at this as a purchase, but as an invest-­ ment. And it’s an investment in your-­ self and the institution you choose to attend. You’re becoming a part of a community. You’re investing in that experience, and the return in the in-­ vestment is so much more.â€? Many “greatâ€? students strive for top schools — Ivy Leagues, brand-­ name schools and other universities that boast famous, recognized names around the world. “The brand has be-­ come increasingly important,â€? Cub-­ bage said. “People are willing to pay for the name.â€? Gublo said that while these “name-­ brandâ€? colleges may be great, there are other less well know schools that are equally as good. “It doesn’t only become this com-­ petitiveness within the school and with their peers, but competitiveness in trying to get into these top schools and not looking at what other schools are out there,â€? Gublo said. In order for students to prove them-­ selves to these top schools, as well as smaller “gems,â€? admissions teams are looking for students who are com-­ mitted and who challenge themselves academically and otherwise. “What Northwestern and other top schools look at is, did the student take advantage of the top academic opportunities that were available to them?â€? Cubbage said. “If you have a great GPA but didn’t take any AP

According to CNN, these are the ten most popular majors as of 2008:

Entering the Rat Race The brutal reality of getting a job By Miranda Materazzo

BUZZSAW: The Competition Issue

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Raising the Bar The motivations behind record setters By Moriah Petty

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a look into the winning mindset of youth athletics

K BUZZSAW: The Competition Issue

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By Taryn Pire

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Upfront

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Upfront

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OL. MINISTRYofCOOL. MI

BUZZSAW: The Competition Issue

Clean Plate Club

The American art of competitive eating By Lizzy Rosenberg

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that his doppleganger was a 1981 Islander’s hockey player. From there, the name stuck. Just getting started in the game, however, is Ithaca College’s very own Taylor Palmer, a junior economics major. Although still an amateur, Taylor has so far competed in and won one second SODFH DQG WZR Ă€UVW SODFH WLWOHV LQ the past three chili-­pepper eating contests at the Downtown Ithaca Chili Cook-­Off. “I had a natural propensity IRU HDWLQJ KRW IRRGV VR Ă€UVW \HDU around I decided for shits and giggles I would throw my hat in the ring. I found I was pretty good at it, so I kept going with it,â€? said Palmer. His family and friends were also very encouraging of his newfound hobby “My family’s very much on board with it. My friends are also generally there to cheer me on. Pretty much everyone has been very supportive,â€? Palmer said. Although disappointed by his second place title at this year’s chili pepper eating competition, Palmer said that his loss gave him even more motivation. “The dejection of losing something that , GHĂ€QLWHO\ WKRXJKW , ZDV JRLQJ WR ZLQÂŤ felt terrible. But now I have a newfound life in competitive eating, where now I have something that I’m striving toward in the future, and I’m currently working on training. I’m going to train to become a professional competitive eater,â€? Palmer said. The competitive eating training process is demanding. Back in his days of rigorous training, Lerman risked water intoxication on a regular basis by drinking two gallons of water per day. “It expands the stomach,â€? he explained. “Some people starve themselves. That shrinks the stomach. You want to stretch it.â€? Palmer agrees that it’s helpful to expand the stomach, which he says can be effectively done by eating a head of cabbage for all meals, followed by adrinking a gallon of milk. In addition to this, however, he also SODQV RQ GRLQJ VRPH VSHFLĂ€F WUDLQLQJ IRU spicy food competitions in particular. He gave an example of one hot food champion who goes to sleep at night with chili paste lining the interior of his mouth. “That’s something I’m going to give a

shot very soon. If I can fall asleep with a habaĂąero in my mouth I will be prepared,â€? Palmer said. Though training for and participating in eating competitions has not yet posed any known health consequences for either Lerman or Palmer, it is not without serious risks. As competitive eating has become increasingly popular, dieticians have speculated about its possible dangers. Binge eating can cause stomach perforations in people with undiagnosed ulcers, and since consuming such massive amounts of food in such little time is an extreme and unnatural activity for the body, doing so could exacerbate underlying health conditions. Other unexpected complications can include jaw fracturing and jaw arthritis— two conditions that can make eating anything a painful and GLIĂ€FXOW H[SHULHQFH Despite the excitement surrounding competitive eating, the challenges and possible health hazards that it poses generally outweigh the rewards for all but the strongest of stomachs. However, for veterans like Lerman and new entrants like Palmer, those risks just add to the glory of winning— and that glory can be addicting, as Palmer is discovering. “Keep a lookout for me in the Southern Tier amateur competitive eating circuit,â€? Palmer said. “And if you’re thinking of signing up for the chilli pepper eating contest, don’t—because I’m going to win.â€? _________________________________________ Lizzy Rosenberg is a freshman IMC major who is ready for any eating competition, as long as it involves Indian food or avocados. Email her at Erosenb3@ithaca.edu

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Ministry of Cool

hen most people think of competitive eating, thoughts of “all-­Americanâ€? pie and hotdog eating contests come to mind, with URZV RI VZHDW\ FRPSHWLWRUV VWXIĂ€QJ WKHLU IDFHV ZLWK DV PXFK IRRG DV WKH\ FDQ Ă€W in their mouths. While such contests are not uniquely American, they did begin gaining popularity in the United States DIWHU 1DWKDQ¡V )DPRXV KHOG LWV Ă€UVW KRWGRJ eating competition on Coney Island 96 in 1916. Since then, the types of foods eaten and the venues of contests began to vary and spread quickly, both nationally and around the world. Now the home to Major League Eating and the International Federation of Competitive Eating, America has developed a reputation for such competitions. Ranging from baked bean to latke eating contests, today, people all over the world are eager to test their stomachs at the intense game of competitive eating. Competitive eating veteran Don “Mosesâ€? Lerman from Levittown, New York, has competed in over 100 food competitions since he began in 2000. Now retired at 64 years old, he has decided to resign from his life of competitive eating to enjoy retirement and time with his family. However, he remains passionate about his past career in the art of eating. “All those years were nothing but fun,â€? Lerman said. “It was a really great time.â€? One point that Lerman emphasized was how much skill and willpower is required in the sport of competitive eating. “Three things that are very important in a contest are speed, capacity and technique,â€? Lerman said. “My family was also very dedicated and supportive, which really helped.â€? Lerman recounted his eating career passionately, explaining that he gained many memorable experiences and friendships through participating in contests. He nostalgically recalled his many feats: “There’s nothing like the cheer of a crowd. It was a truly great feeling.â€? His biggest regret, however, was that he wished he had started “in his 20s or 30s, when [he] was younger.â€? Otherwise, Lerman has no regrets about his participation, and takes great pride in his many prior wins, and the fact that he ZDV DFWXDOO\ WKH Ă€UVW FRPSHWLWLYH HDWHU WR coin a nickname. Don “Mosesâ€? Lerman became his title when his aunt decided

Photo by Alexis Lanza

The “Real� World

How your reality TV sausage is made By Rachel Maus

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BUZZSAW: The Competition Issue

Image by Kennis Ku

wenty years ago, when The Real World Ă€UVW DLUHG RQ MTV, it would have been hard to guess exactly how much LQĂ XHQFH UHDOLW\ WHOHYLVLRQ ZRXOG have on American audiences. Reality television gives viewers a window into worlds that they would never be exposed to, along with people to root for, and people to hate, while knowing that these characters are “real.â€? They are not characters that audiences fall in love with, only to Ă€QG RXW ZKDW D MHUN WKH DFWRU LV LQ UHDO life. They c a n see

the people we are meant to love and hate, and have the satisfaction of knowing that we are judging them as people and not simply as characters. Samantha Goettlich, founder and producer of reality television company Penny Lane Pictures, explains that reality television’ s popularity is due, in part, to its wide marketability. “Every reality show that gets made now is not bought unless there’s something to do with promotion or cross promotional access. Because people want clothing, they want food, a book deal, and a movie deal.â€? So, what used to be the appeal of big blockbuster syndication has directly moved to television. Jersey Shore’s Jenni “JWOWWâ€? Farley has taken her GTL-­ing to the stores with her own brand of tanning lotion. American Idol not only produces award-­winning singing sensations,

30

but also gives you the ability to be your own idol at home with video games and karaoke products. Even Donald Trump’s The Apprentice has its own board game counterpart. Reality television gives Americans a set of “realâ€? characters to judge from a distance— and whether it be anonymously on the internet or silently in real life, we are a nation of judgment. Perhaps this is why niche reality programming has become so popular. Especially in recent years, unscripted television has leaned toward the absurd, the horrifying, and the cringe-­worthy. Former Toddlers & Tiaras star Alanna “Honey Boo Booâ€? Thompson created shock when her redneck family’s reality show Here Comes Honey Boo Boo aired in August 2012. At the same time, the show’s premiere scored 2.2 million viewers, ranking #1 in it’s 10 p.m. time slot. Goettlich offers an answer as to why the Georgia family has captivated and puzzled viewers: “I think the way the United States works is that New York and LA are your biggest cities where everybody moves to become something or someone. But then you KDYH WKH UHVW RI WKH 8QLWHG 6WDWHVÂŤ and all of a sudden you see something like [Honey Boo Boo] and you’re like ‘Oh my god that’s what rednecks are. That’s different.’ And it’s appealing because it’s not attractive. Things that aren’t attractive to normal society are attractive to watch on television.â€? So, naturally, it’s easy to judge those who are different when we are given unlimited access looking through a window of their lives. But how much of this is real, and how much is fabricated for drama? According to Casey Knight, Associate Producer for MTV’s True Life, it’s all about who is producing or scripting the program. While shows like The Real World and The Bachelor have

been called out by former contestants on their less than honest approach to showing house drama, in other shows, the situations are pretty true to form. Knight explains that the main factor that makes docu-­drama series like True Life different is the show’s approach to producing an episode versus scripting one. “The farthest [True Life goes] is producing. Scripting is saying ‘okay we’re going to have you go here and \RX¡UH JRLQJ WR JHW LQWR D Ă€JKW ZLWK this person.’ Producing is saying ÂśRND\ WHOO XV ZKDW \RX GR LQ D ZHHNÂŤ we’re only going to be here from Friday through Sunday so instead of you doing something you normally do RQ D 7XHVGD\ FDQ ZH Ă€OP \RX GRLQJ that on a Saturday?’ So it’s things that they normally do, we just have them do it while we’re there.â€? The notion that a television show is telling the truth may come as a shock, especially when one considers some of the ridiculous situations people have gotten into in shows such as True Life. But there is a reason why the show has been so well received and has garnered so many awards including two Emmys, in addition to being up for a Prism Award. “For us,â€? Knight says, “the mark of a good show is when people say ‘that was totally fake. That couldn’t have happened that way.’ And for us to know that it wasn’t scripted, that means we did our job.â€? So, does this mean that reality television is going to get back to its roots of journalism and integrity? Of course not. Viewers love to watch ridiculous people and that’s never going to change. They don’t necessarily care if everything on the show is 100% accurate, because it’s entertaining. Seeing a feud on television that seems to be real is enough. What happens when the camera goes off is irrelevant, but as long as it’s on, everything is fair game. _____________________________________ Rachel Maus is a sophomore cinema and photography major who you think you know, but you have NO IDEA. Email her at rmaus1@ithaca.edu.

#ModernWarfare

Twitter wars and their casualties By Robyn Schmitz

W

hen a red carpet interviewer approached The Black Keys drummer Patrick Carney at the Grammys this year, Carney was asked whether he believed tween heartthrob pop sensation Justin Bieber deserved an award that evening. Carney replied, ´+H¡V ULFK ULJKW" 7KH *UDPP\V DUHÂŤ for music and not for money. And he’s making a lot of money. He should be happy, I guess.â€? The Biebz retorted via twitter, and so the gauntlet was thrown. Twitter war was declared. Carney retaliated with full force by FKDQJLQJ KLV 7ZLWWHU SURĂ€OH SLFWXUH name and bio to resemble Bieber, and for a straight week, he relentlessly mocked Bieber and his fans. Carney clearly came out on top in this one-­

sided celebrity feud, considering the Beliebers’ illiteracy and lack of creativity. For whatever reason, Twitter wars seem to be a consistent trend between celebrities these days. Not only do Twitter battles occur between celebrities, but even fast food franchises are victim. Hackers took over Burger King’s Twitter February 18, making it look like a McDonald’s account. For whatever reason, mean things are so much easier to say when seated behind the trustworthy screen of a laptop. Within minutes of posting, Twitter wars can start, escalate, devastate friendships and even ruin careers. In November of 2012 singer Chris

Brown went so far as to delete his Twitter account after a lengthy and YXOJDU Ă€JKW ZLWK FRPHGLDQ -HQQ\ Johnson. Somehow, Twitter has a way of bringing out the worst in people and only getting them further into trouble. And although most of Chris Brown’s tweets are too vulgar to UHSURGXFH KHUH VXFK SXEOLF FDWĂ€JKWV often provide entertainment for the rest of us. Twitter battles will always be amusing to follow, and these cyber wars will be archived forever. So watch your Twitter mouth. ____________________________________ Robyn Schmitz is a sophomore journal-­ ism major who wouldn’t diss you on the internet cause her momma taught her better than that. Email her at rschmit1@ithaca.edu

Ministry of Cool

31

A Trend That Grows On You

A look at the world of facial hair competitions By Kacey Deamer

T

BUZZSAW: The Competition Issue

Images by Anika Steppe

he french fork. The hulihee. The carnie. The duck tail. The anchor. These are not cleverly named sandwiches at the local indie deli; they are a few of the many titles for modern facial hair styles. Yes, facial hair — beards and mustaches and sideburns. Not only has the list of facial hair styles vastly expanded, but actual facial hair competitions have recently become a growing trend. From “longest beardâ€? to “most creative stylingâ€?, competitors are willing to travel across the globe to prove that their facial hair outgrows the rest. Phil Olsen is a competitor-­turned-­ organizer of beard and moustache competitions, in addition to being the founder and captain of Beard Team USA. Olsen attended the 1999 World Beard and Moustache

Championships in Sweden, and noticed that the “sport of bearding� was lacking in American representation. In

2003 he

organized WKH Ă€UVW U n i t e d States-­based international competition in Carson City, Nev. “I was asked to organize the world championships in the States in 2003, which I did, and it sort of has really caught on since then,â€? Olsen

32

said. “There have certainly been beard-­ growing contests and so on in the States as smaller community events for years, but Beard Team USA and the publicity of the world championships really seems to have sparked the interest in new local competitions that seems to be popping up all around the country.â€? 7KH Ă€UVW :RUOG %HDUG DQG 0RXVWDFKH Championship was held in Germany in 1990, and the country is widely credited as the birthplace of the sport. “The Germans invented the sport, and they developed bearding as an artform,â€? Olsen said. However, the U.S. is practically tied with Germany in the number of total competitors, as well as the number who place in the international circuit. But, Olsen said, “They’re still way ahead of us when it comes to the freestyles.â€? Freestyling is a category within the competition in which there are no rules; it’s simply a place for creativity in trimming style and design. It’s also the biggest draw. “The freestyle category is what gets all of the attention. That’s what SHRSOH Ă€QG UHDOO\ IDVFLQDWLQJ Âľ Olsen said. He noted that the freestyle category is also generally the least controversial category. “At many of the contests, the ZD\ WKH FDWHJRULHV DUH GHĂ€QHG has a large effect on who is going to win,â€? he said. “And so, what that means is no matter how \RX GHĂ€QH \RXU FDWHJRU\ there’s always going to be somebody who feels slighted because he thinks he’d have a better chance if the categories ZHUH GHĂ€QHG GLIIHUHQWO\ So there’s always controversy, and it’s one of those things where you can’t make everybody happy.â€? Competition rules vary by organizer, so category GHĂ€QLWLRQ LVQ¡W WKH RQO\ controversy in the arena. Olsen, who founded Beard Team USA and is the “self-­ appointed captain,â€? said credit for the growth in

popularity can also be given to IFC’s show Whisker Wars. The show is centered around the “backstabbing and cutthroat competition in the quest to top the hair-­raising world of competitive facial hair growing,â€? as described on the IFC website. Myk O’Connor, one of the competitors featured on the show, agreed. “There are some primadonnas involved, but for the most part we are all very chill people to be around,â€? O’connor said. “My wife and I just moved to Austin and have been friends with the Austin Facial Hair Club for a few years now. We obviously hang out outside of competitions.â€? Relatively new to the sport, 2¡&RQQRU Ă€UVW heard about facial hair competitions in 2009 after a friend suggested that he should grow his beard back out. “It was the World Championships and it was being held in Alaska,â€? he said of

KLV Ă€UVW FRPSHWLWLRQ ´, ZDQWHG WR JR and experience something new and exciting and this seemed like a cool opportunity.â€? O’Connor, who said the show GHĂ€QLWHO\ PDGH DQ LPSDFW RQ WKH national and international popularity

their look is to really lose the essence of what men’s fashion is.� Having been. based in New York City, where O’Connor lived before moving to Austin, de Monte has actually crossed paths with some of the men involved in Whisker Wars.

“Men’s fashion has evolved so much over the past 10 years. I think to ignore and not acknowledge that facial hair is an important part of their look is to really lose the essence of what men’s fashion is.â€? - Mari de Monte “I have had the pleasure to actually meet some of the guys from Whisker Wars on IFC and they are just a bunch of fun-­loving guys who take pride in their masculine feature,â€? de Monte said. “It’s a lot of fun to see a group of men come together and have a good time based on this one thing they all have in common. It’s a strange and surprisingly small niche of men who travel the world together, keep in touch with each other and get into some friendly competition.â€? She is excited that men’s styling is a growing trend, since women’s styling and hair competitions have been around for awhile. “As a hairstylist, I have been to many hair competitions that are based around women’s hair only, and it’s refreshing to see a different twist on the idea. If women can walk down a runway in a competition based on an up do, why can’t men do the same for their facial hair?â€? She explained that her personal favorite facial hair style is model Rick Hall’s beard. “I think Rick Hall is a perfect example of the ideal facial hair. It’s a dark color [that works with] his complexion,â€? she said. “Even though it’s a full and thick beard, he maintains it and keeps it clean on the neck and around the sideburns.â€? Though, she said, not every style is perfect. “You also can’t go wrong with

competitors bring to the arena. As de Monte pointed out, while the world is starting to embrace facial hair again, those already involved in the sport, as well as “beard expertsâ€?, should be sure to be welcoming to the newcomers. “It’s all about education,â€? she said. “For both sides, the whisker believers and non-­believers, it’s all about keeping an open mind.â€? Though his career isn’t necessarily over, O’Connor isn’t sure if competitive bearding is something he’ll do forever. “I just want to be able to provide for my family, continue to travel and hopefully keep doing what I love,â€? he VDLG ´, VWLOO KDYHQ¡W Ă€JXUHG RXW ZKDW I want to be when I ‘grow up’, but that’s part of the excitement. I won’t be cutting the beard anytime soon so there’s that.â€? This year’s U.S. National Championships, organized by Olsen, will be in New Orleans on Sept. 7, 2013. ____________________________________ Kacey Deamer is a senior journalism and environmental studies double major who wants to be The Bearded Lady. Email her a kdeamer1@ithaca. edu.

Ministry of Cool

of such competitions, said that it also made an impact on his own life. “I wouldn’t say me being on the show has given me a bigger name in the competitive realm, but a lot of people ZLOO WHOO PH WKH\ WKLQN , GHVHUYHG Ă€UVW in such and such competition, or they wanna chat about being a father, etâ€? he said. “It still shocks me when I’m at work or around town and people stop and ask if I’m from the show or they know for certain I’m on the show and they want a picture. It’s been a real cool way to meet new people.â€? His involvement in the sport also affected his personal life, as he married his longtime beard coach, Karolina Gwiazda. B e a r d coaching is not in Mari de Monte’s repertoire at the moment, she’s a men’s stylist at Fleischman Men’s Salon in New York City, but it could be added to her “bucket list.â€? “I would love to someday be involved with a competition,â€? de Monte said. “I think working hands-­on with a model and their facial hair is an important challenge in the men’s styling world. Men’s fashion has evolved so much over the past 10 years. I think to ignore and not acknowledge that facial hair is an important part of

the Daniel Day Lewis mustache from There Will Be Blood. Obviously.â€? In general, de Monte has seen a VLJQLĂ€FDQW VKLIW LQ IDFLDO KDLU RYHU WKH SDVW Ă€YH \HDUV ´2EYLRXVO\ EHDUGV DQG mustaches are back in the spotlight right now,â€? she said, “It seems that men aren’t so scared to acknowledge one of their most masculine features anymore.â€? Olsen has seen this shift in participation numbers, as around 200 competitors attended last year’s national competition in Las Vegas. As a result of that growth, he has also witnessed a n expansion of the facial hair styles that

33

RAW SAW

Concert Review Live at the State Theatre

BUZZSAW: The Competition Issue

Jeff Mangum

FROM THE

34

It was Feb. 13th, and excited concertgoers were gathering inside the State Theatre to see their one true love: Jeff Mangum. Mangum initially achieved fame the frontman of indie rock band Neutral Milk Hotel, which broke up in 1999. What was so incredibly special about this performance was that this year PDUNHG WKH Ă€UVW WLPH -HII¡V EHHQ RQ WRXU playing Neutral Milk Hotel songs since 2001. This created a bittersweet air throughout the crowd, as the audience knew very well they would never have a chance like this again. The beauty and power in Jeff’s songs was only further complimented by the elegant layout of the venue. State Theatre is a classic concert hall with high ceilings containing mesmerizing patterns, auditorium seating, DQG D KXJH VWDJH :KHQ UHĂ HFWLQJ RQ P\ incredible experience seeing the show, the image of Jeff belting the lines, “Oh when this life just gets so grating/All the grittiness of life/But don’t take those pills your boyfriend gave you/You’re too wonderful to die,â€? from the tune, “Song Against Sex,â€? stands out crystal-­clear in my mind. He sat there at his chair, looking very much like a young Fidel Castro, clad in an olive green patrol cap and a long grey beard, loudly singing this song to his adoring fans. This aforementioned song is from Neutral Milk Hotel’s 1996 studio album debut, On Avery Island. Although this album and In an Aeroplane Over the Sea are the only two studio albums Neutral Milk Hotel ever released, they UHPDLQ WR WKLV GD\ D KLJKO\ LQĂ XHQWLDO EDQG in the indie world. Personally, In an Aeroplane Over the Sea was the album that opened up so many doors for me musically and got me into many other artists of the singer-­songwriter genre. Mangum performed a set containing mostly songs from this album, and other Neutral Milk Hotel songs. He also performed a particularly haunting cover of Roky Erickson’s song, “I Love the Living You.â€? Throughout the set, Mangum maintained this sort of cosmic connection with the crowd. People swayed in

unison to his songs, and sang along to pretty much every song he played. It was evident that the majority of the people in the crowd have been greatly impacted by Jeff’s music throughout their lives, making the chance to actually see him perform these songs live an emotional experience. A moment in the concert that especially highlighted the overall feel of the show occurred when Jeff went back on stage for an encore. Accompanied by his former band mate, Julian Koster on the singing saw, the GXR Ă€QLVKHG WKH VKRZ RII ZLWK DQ LQFUHGLEOH rendition of the song “In an Aeroplane Over The Sea.â€? And the crowd went wild. The entire auditorium echoed with the collective voices of the crowd belting along with these reunited band members. Although it was a stripped-­ down cover of the song, having only guitar and singing saw to accompany the vocals, the power and energy of these two men rang throughout the theatre. Another highlight of the evening was the second opening act, The Music Tapes, former Neutral Milk Hotel member Julian Koster’s experimental pop-­performance art band. They delighted and intrigued the audience as they played a multitude of bizarre instruments, including the singing saw, a banjo played with a violin bow, chimes, and various other musical gizmos. Koster told us a story about his former music mentor who had the power of noticing rhythms in anything he came in contact with, from people to household objects. He said that his mentor was able to change melancholy rhythms to upbeat ones in order to subconsciously make people feel content and happy. This anecdote went hand in hand with the wide range of unconventional instruments he and his band played because he was proving that rhythm comes from anywhere and everywhere. -­ Jared Corwin

Hearthrob Life is but a Dream

Album Review

Documentary Review

in between, peppered with synth-­driven dance beats. Songs such as “I Couldn’t Be Your Friendâ€? are fairly reminiscent of current pop titans such as Katy Perry, but stay true to the duo’s sound with backup riffs and passionate lyrics : “Led you astray, I won’t deny it/I did what they thought would be good for meâ€? “Drove Me Wildâ€? and “Love They Sayâ€? are notably the most cheery songs on the album, with lyrics exploring the positive aspects of love: as the ballad-­y “Love They Sayâ€? soulfully declares, “there’s nothing love can’t do.â€? These songs offer a stark contrast to the rest of the album, which crescendos with electric anger and passionate lyrics laced among upbeat tones. “How Come You Don’t Want Meâ€? wails, “Why don’t you want to wait this out?/How come you always lead me on,/Never take my call, hear me out?â€? “Now I’m All Messed Upâ€? begs on top of heavy electronica beats in a self-­doubting tug of war, “Go if you want/I can’t stop you /go (please stay).â€? Heartthrob captures the intense lyrics and unique indie-­folk-­pop sound that Tegan and Sara always bring with their albums but is still different enough to keep listeners engaged and yearning for more. The album makes a mark on the pop music radar, but their sound stays true to their roots and makes it an engaging experience for loyal fans and new listeners alike. -­ Samantha Guter

You haven’t seen genuine swagger until you’ve watched HBO’s most recent documentary, BeyoncÊ’s self-­directed Life is But a Dream ,Q WKH Ă€OP FUHGLWV %H\RQFp Knowles is listed as the star, narrator, and only talking head, in addition to being billed as the executive producer, co-­director, co-­ writer and “additional cameras,â€? referring to her hardcore vlogging. As a loaded cast of one, BeyoncĂŠ steals the show with her DXWRELRJUDSKLFDO Ă€OPRJUDSK\ As a die-­hard BeyoncĂŠ fan, I found that the 85-­minute compilation of her old home videos, face-­to-­camera vlogging and SHUIRUPDQFH FOLSV Ă HZ E\ TXLFNO\ While she has sometimes been criticized as a “self interviewerâ€? who doesn’t actually know what makes her life interesting, I found the ability to see BeyoncÊ’s daily life exhilarating. It truly felt as if a jar of secrets was being unleashed; observing Queen B ‘s day-­to-­day routines and hearing her personal take on fame and fortune was thrilling and revealed interesting new information about her life. As she discusses her emancipation from her father in great detail, viewers learn about the aspects of BeyoncĂŠs life that truly make KHU D VXUYLYRU +HU KHDUWIHOW DQG Ă€HUFH ZRUGV RI ZLVGRP UHĂ HFW RQ OLIH H[SHULHQFHV EH\RQG her fame, and tell the story of a woman who

ZDV DEOH WR DFKLHYH VXFFHVV ZKLOH Ă€JKWLQJ anxiety and overcoming emotional struggles. 7KH Ă€OP DOVR IHDWXUHV D VHQVDWLRQDO WURYH of childhood home videos, as well as more recent family recordings. The documentary’s style allows viewers to live B’s life through the camera, and these scenes reveal that BeyoncĂŠ always puts her family’s needs ahead of her career. As her home videos and vlogs make clear, she genuinely puts her love on top for famous husband Jay-­Z and their daughter, Blue. As this unique look into Beyonce’s life story ZDV LQFUHGLEO\ LQVSLULQJ , ZRXOG GHĂ€QLWHO\ recommend it to any even mildly curious fans. I was personally ecstatic and relieved that Life is but a Dream was a television PRYLH LW GHĂ€QLWHO\ ZRXOG KDYH EHHQ D KDVVOH to travel an hour on the TCAT to then pay the astronomical movie ticket price. Unfortunately, without HBO, most students PLVVHG LWV RIĂ€FLDO GHEXW RQ )HE th at 9 p.m., but it has since made its way online and onto HBO-­Go, and if you’re looking for an inspiring story, I strongly recommend it. Overall, thanks to Life is but a Dream’s great music and revealing clips, it would be nearly impossible for anybody not to fall crazy in love with Beyonce’s story. -­ Lizzy Rosenberg

35

Ministry of Cool

Tegan and Sara’s seventh studio album, Heartthrob, rings with all of the classic folk-­ indie-­pop sounds you would expect from the identical twin duo, while adding in a new twist of electronica and synth. The album echoes all of the elements that brought Tegan and Sara to their current success and happily embellishes all of the things that audiences love about them. Heartthrob features anthems about love and edges toward the pop end of the spectrum, but follows a logical sound progression from their last studio album Sainthood (released in 2009) and holds true to the duo’s personality and authenticity. The album’s sound should come as no disappointment to serious Tegan and Sara fans, but also welcomes a wider range of musical tastes than some of their earlier work, which tended to lean much more WRZDUGV WKH SHFXOLDU DQG SOD\HG WR D VSHFLĂ€F fan base. Their distinct genre-­mixing creates an atypical, but not unpleasing, tone by melding upbeat electronic sounds and pop bass lines with sounds reminiscent of the 80s and 90s. It opens with the upbeat, poppy “Closerâ€?, a radio-­worthy hit which explodes in an accurate representation of the remainder of the album, exploring the intensity and excitement of physical contact: “Here comes the rush before we touch/Come a little closer.â€? The album itself focuses on the intricacies of love, heartbreak and everything

Anyone you can do I can do better

BUZZSAW: The Competition Issue

By Anonymous

Like anyone’s, my younger school years were met with a lot of angst— SDUWLDOO\ EHFDXVH , FRXOGQ¡W Ă€W into Abercrombie clothing, and partially because of the people I was surrounding myself with. As soon as my best friend and I hit puberty, she suddenly had a boyfriend, and never hesitated to rub it in my face, saying, “You’d be pretty if you lose weight. You might get a boyfriend then.â€? Thank you, because my formative years weren’t depressing enough already. 0\ Ă€UVW NLVV GLGQ¡W FRPH XQWLO P\ freshman year of high school, in the PG-­13 clichĂŠ that is spin the bottle. How romantic. Meanwhile, my friend was having sex with her boyfriend in between biology and soccer practice. Out of spite, or perhaps envy, I decided I needed to catch up with her. As a result, throughout my high school years, I took full advantage of the epicenter of adolescent sexual tension that is summer camp. I was a counselor, and the prospect of summer promiscuity without the subsequent rumors was just what I needed. If I was correct, and I’m pretty sure I was, my friend had had sex with approximately 6 guys by that time. While others may have seen that as a sure sign of nymphomania, I saw it as a challenge. I wanted— no, needed— to catch up with her and exceed her if I could. 0\ Ă€UVW ZDV RQH RI P\ FORVHVW friends. We decided one hot summer night that we both needed to get it

36

over with. Next came the cute (albeit much older) coworker who I probably should not have been hanging around with. He told me we had to wait until I turned sixteen because of those pesky statutory rape laws. In the meantime, I felt like I shouldn’t just go throwing my cat out to someone else. I mean I wasn’t that desperate. Right? That summer I discovered just how wrong I was about there being no rumors at summer camp. The word about my new reputation spread almost as quickly as my legs. Afterward, achieving my goal became easy. The next series of men ranged in age, race, and experience -­ and I came to be particularly hell-­bent on achieving my goal. Lucky number seven, let’s call him Andy, was really the only one I FRQĂ€GHG LQ DERXW ZKDW , ZDV GRLQJ He was an old friend that I had only recently begun speaking to again. We had hooked up in the past, so , Ă€JXUHG KH ZDV DQ HDV\ WDUJHW WR complete my mission. Approaching him in the middle of the day was out of the question, I mean we were camp counselors, and this wasn’t Wet Hot American Summer. Instead, I sent him a sly text during lunch asking him to meet me after work. I guess he had heard about the reputation I was getting, because he was there waiting and with a goofy smile said “You look really hot.â€? Whether he was trying to be sexy or just referring to the sweat I had rolling down my face after a long day in the sun, I’ll never know. Hell,

I didn’t care. All I cared about was getting it done. We snuck into the back of the theatre and started going at it backstage. I guess I was being particularly aggressive because he asked me “What are you in some kind of race?â€? I guess my response of “You could say thatâ€? was alarming (though not alarming enough for him to stop), because afterwards, we went outside and shared a post-­coital cigarette. I told him about how crappy I had always felt being so behind my best friend, and he understood. It turns out, he was just coming out of a long relationship with a girl that took his virginity and then dumped him to see a bunch of other guys. I guess he wanted to prove that she wasn’t the only one getting some. We laughed about how ridiculous we both were and decided we both needed to re-­evaluate our sex lives, but not before climbing into the back of my car for one last victory bone. The next time that my best friend and I hung out, I ever-­so-­slyly EURXJKW XS P\ H[SORLWV DQG VXIĂ€FH WR say, she was not as jealous as I had expected. Instead, she actually sat me down and asked if I was depressed, because “promiscuity can be a sign of that.â€? Oh, the irony! I texted Andy fuming about it and he told me not to worry about it, jokingly asking if I needed any consoling (along with a super-­sexual winky face). Looking back, I think I was a bit overdramatic, but, like any good sport, it’s all in good fun.

Prose & Cons

CONS. PROSE&CONS. PROSE&

37

The Last Breaths By Alec Kaden

I slipped out of the helicopter into the vivid blue sky. I took one last glimpse at the man who had killed my wife and child, the man that I was supposed to kill. Then he was above my line of sight. The wind pressed violently against my body as I fell. My shirt was suppressed from wafting by the bulletproof vest strapped to my body. It didn’t manage to preserve my life, not this time. Instead I succumbed to earth’s gravity and let her hug me as tight as she could. The wind slipped through my hair like a cheetah running through tall grass. I looked up. The black helicopter that was once solid ground was now just a black ball getting smaller and smaller into the sky as my altitude lowered. I inhaled, vacuuming all that I could. The gun smoke, the diesel of the helicopters engine, the scents exploded through my respiratory system like water out of a newly broken dam. As I continued to lose altitude, the world around me became ironically peaceful and vivid. Many people say that before they die, they “see the light.â€? But I saw the sun. My lungs ached at the large volumes of air that were repeatedly forced in and out of them like they were merely a security checkpoint in the world of wind. As I came closer and closer to death, the air that I breathed felt better and better. I noticed the H[DFW PRPHQW WKH WKUHVKROG RI ZKHQ WKHUH ZDV Ă€QDOO\ QR PRUH HQJLQH VPRJ RU JXQ smoke in my biology.

BUZZSAW: The Competition Issue

Finally I could inhale with no detectable pollution. Pure freshness. Fresh air, oxygen. The sugar of the gasses. 7KH YLVLRQ RI WKH JXQQHU ÀOOHG P\ KHDG , ZLOO QHYHU IRUJLYH P\VHOI DV , VWRRG WKHUH and watched. Just watched as he took them both from me. I could have stopped him. I could have been their hero, but it is all to late now. Now I just circulate air and spy on the earth as we inch closer and closer to our reunion. I will never see the blue of the ocean or the bright yellow of the sun ever again. As I take my last breath, it is apparent that it will be the last time I ever see the lush JUHHQ ÀHOGV RI JUDVV DV ZHOO How much beauty can one earth hold? As buildings on the ground became recognizable, I thought of my family. My wife, the epitome of beauty, my son, better yet. I will join you soon, my loves. So very soon.

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Impact.

(Untitled) By Sara Teele

The man is a stupid man and you will keep me from the stupid man and From the stupid man it will all be clear and I will be smart And the cats are better than people because they are less complicated but they are still very complicated at the same time So the word salad has lost its taste But with the cats you don’t need words and the salad can wilt We share a love and we share a wordless love so the salad can wilt if it wants to. And I would give up kittens for you. I write you a hundred words to tell you I love you. I write you a hundred words but my nails are still red and that won’t change And I can stop writing now because you’ve texted me. I want to lie on the carTIX ERH ½RH XLMRKW [MXL ]SY -´Q KSMRK XS WLEK ]SY SR Q] WLEK GEVTIX and in the car and it’s okay I love you. You have an ugly, and it’s okay I love you.

And we can say screw you Wittgenstein the limits of language are not the limits of my world, the limits of language are not the limits of my love and I will love you past the limits of language and I will love you in the twin beds I say I hate and I will love you without kittens

39

Prose & Cons

Pippa drools from my love and you shake from my love and say OH MY GOD, I love you so much. And I cry from my love and it’s okay I love my love

Remains

BUZZSAW: The Competition Issue

By David Myers

It happened while I was getting a root canal. I had told them not to put me under, and they gave me something so that I didn’t even have to pretend it wasn’t happening. The root canal, I mean. I was pretty out of it, almost enjoying myself. This is when the phone rang. I mean it’s a small practice, somebody had to get it. Joy, the ginger ZKR KDG EHHQ KROGLQJ WKH OLWWOH SODVWLF WHQW LQ SODFH LQVLGH P\ PRXWK WRRN KHU Ă€QJHUV out and slowly slipped off her gloves. Everyone took a little break. I turned to watch Joy pick up the phone and then I closed my eyes. “Hello?â€? she said. “Oh,â€? and then a short heavy pause and then a breathless “My God.â€? God with a capital G, like she was still afraid of him. She put the phone down on the counter and looked out a window. “Mary,â€? she said, giving a pause not nearly long enough for the doctor to answer. “Mary you’re going to need to take this.â€? Now everybody involved in the operation was taking off their gloves. I didn’t even care. I was high. “Hello?â€? the doctor said. Some low gravely tones came out of the receiver and WKH GRFWRU VDLG ´<HV <HV WKDW LV FRUUHFW Âľ 6RPHZKHUH D Ă \ ZDV EX]]LQJ ´+H 2K Jesus. Oh my. Yes, yes I can do that.â€? I started to wiggle my toes around inside my shoes. Nobody was attending to me anymore. When I opened my eyes again they were all huddling in the door way, whispering to each other. What was he, twenty-two, twenty-three? More of them looked out of that same window. It took me a while, or it felt like a while, before I understood why Joy was crying. 2QH RI WKH DVVLVWDQWV OHIW WR JR SXOO XS DQ [ UD\ IURP VRPHZKHUH LQ WKH Ă€OLQJ FDELQHWV and I watched Joy continue to sob softly in to her palms. I later found out that I knew him. Not to speak to, but we had often had appointments one after the other. He had chronic halitosis that I could always smell right through the magazine. I’m positive we made eye contact. For the next few weeks when I was driving to work, I would probe around inside my mouth with my tongue, feeling not only for my freshly inserted crown, but for the little uneven gaps and crooked bridgework as well. The idiosyncrasies if you will. Which would be the one, I would think, that they’d point to on the chart after everything had been pulled from the wreckage. After everything had been cleaned. Which would be one that they’d wordlessly point to so as to say, “This. This is him. There can be no question.â€?

40

A Silver Fish By Sam Kamenetz

+SPH½WL EVI ½GOPI FIEWXW At the slightest upset they leave this world for wherever the souls of little carnival prizes go. My water is too warm? Good day to you sir, I have better places to be. One would think that they fake their deaths just to go on an adventure through the sewage system. &YX RSX E WMPZIV½WL 3L RS When I was eight, I won three of them, and two promptly died on the car ride home. %RH WS - QEHI E [MWL SR XLMW PMXXPI ½WL that he would outlive them all, live to see me grow old and go belly up before he. I gave him some name lost to injuries of time, but I’m fairly certain that it was some variation of Goldy. And in a lapse of judgment, we put his little bowl next to the microwave, and there he lived. For six years.

It was poor Goldy’s misfortune that he outlived the microwave, and two weeks after, he couldn’t be saved.

41

Prose & Cons

We were astounded when he made it to six weeks old, and even more so when he slowly lost his gold, ERH FIGEQI E WMPZIV ½WL Microwave radiation works small miracles.

42

DUST. SAWDUST. SAWDU

BUZZSAW: The Competition Issue

To The Girl in the Green Headband on the Treadmill I’ve secretly been competing with you all semester...you’re winning By Abby Sophir

M

the room in Mr. McMonigle’s science class. I time my footsteps to her Nike Frees those — shoes mean business. Right. Left. Right. Left. This way, I’m forced to keep pace. The guy between us slows to a walk and gets off the treadmill. Unfortunately, I still cannot see her elapsed time or speed. I glance around, paying heed to common gym courtesy, careful not to let my eyes stop on anyone in particular. Nobody appears to be making a move towards the open machine. This is my chance but I’m afraid she’ll become suspicious. Just in case, I make a scene, bringing my treadmill to an immediate stop, cursing it for interrupting my workout. Then I casually switch machines. She doesn’t seem to notice. Ah, a clear view at last! I was right, she’s been running over ten minutes, 1.2 miles in, and seems to be going strong. Assuming she’s doing her regular Friday workout, she will be taking a break in .3 miles. I decide to walk until then. This semester she’s run a total of 64 miles, give or take a few. Average pace: 6.7 mph. Average calories burned per workout: 343. Right on cue, she begins to walk, but the minute is short-­lived. She increases her speed to a jog and I, too, start jogging. Two minutes later, she increases again. I follow suit. She attempts to look at my speed and time so I cover them with my magazine. We hit the two-­mile marker and I pray she’s stopping soon. To my despair, she pushes through without a break. I start to feel nauseous but I refuse to let her win. NOT THIS TIME GREEN HEADBAND GIRL! I keep pace for half a mile until she ups her speed to 7.2

and I can’t keep up. I add an incline to compensate, staying at 6.6. This way, she will be fooled into thinking she’s pushing herself harder than I am. As we approach the last lap of mile three, she increases to a sprint. I know this means the end is near. I up my speed to match hers until the Ă€QLVK OLQH DQG DOO , FDQ WKLQN DERXW LW what I’m going to make for dinner. A quesadilla? I don’t think I have cheese. Chili? Not in the mood. Curry? Yeah, that sounds good. This lap is never-­ending. I refuse to let myself look down at the numbers. I know, I’ll count to 50 and by then the lap will be over. 1... 2... 3...4..5..6..7.8.9.10.11.12... +HU Ă€QJHUV FUHHS WRZDUG WKH VSHHG button. No, no, don’t do it. Please, for the love of God, don’t do it. 7.5. I can’t. But I will! 20 seconds left. If green headband girl can do it, so can I! In fact, I’ll one-­up her. 7.6! :H UDFH WR WKH Ă€QLVK OLQH RQH IRRW after the other, my legs moving faster than I ever thought they could. The little green dots on the machine complete the lap at a tortoise-­like pace but together, we make it! I frantically press the stop button, collapsing my upper body forward onto the machine, on the verge of passing out. Intense pain shoots through my abdomen. I can’t catch my breath. *UHHQ KHDGEDQG JLUO Ă€QLVKHV KHU cool down and strides off the machine with her head up, humming to the beat of her Ipod. I want to stare her in the eyes and scream but I can’t blow my cover. Oh well, at least I’ve got better fashion sense. Green headbands are so middle school. ____________________________________ Abby Sophir is a junior TVR major who may not be good at cardio, but is a beast when it comes to Zumba. Email her at gsophir1@ithaca.edu

Sawdust

y heart rate picks up and I can feel the tension in my chest. As I place my feet down on the moving rubber belt, energy escapes my restless legs. The puff of my heavy breathing is overcome by an army of humming treadmills. My feet pound in perfect synchronicity to Nelly’s bass. “Heartâ€? (thump) “ofâ€? (thump) “aâ€? (thump) “champâ€? (thump) “-­ionâ€? (thump)...â€? It’s P\ Ă€UVW WULS WR WKH J\P WKLV ZHHN DQG for a rare occasion, I’m feeling good. But with one glance to the side, the moment of euphoria comes crashing down. There she is, in that stupid green headband, bobbing up and down two treadmills away. I should have known better; it’s a Thursday. She’s a religious Tuesday-­Thursday gym-­goer, with an occasional Friday appearance. Not last Friday though, I waited because I needed to blow some steam but she never came. We’ve never spoken and I avoid eye contact, but she must recognize me by now. We’ve been running next to each other for three years now, pushing each other to sprint faster, work harder, run longer. Little does she know, it’s a competition. I intend to win. She’s not on her usual machine, ZKLFK PDNHV LW GLIĂ€FXOW WR VQHDN D peek at her stats, but I can tell from the ring of sweat around her t-­shirt collar that she’s being going for a while. She typically doesn’t start VZHDWLQJ XQWLO DW OHDVW DIWHU WKH Ă€UVW mile. I stretch my neck and quirk my head but it’s no use. The football player between us blocks my vision. I pick up my speed, just in case. 6.5. No matter how hard I try, I can’t help but look her way. It’s like my eyes are controlled by a brain of their own and I’m oddly reminded of Eli, my seventh grade crush, who sat across

43

Trump Continues to Campaign for Presidency By Kyle Robertson

A

gainst the advice of his crack team of legal advisors, Donald Trump has announced that he will continue his campaign to become the next President of the United States. Trump said that despite an unsuccessful bid against President Barack Obama in 2012, he still refuses to concede defeat. The magnanimous mogul made his pronouncement today from a podium beneath the colossus-­esque solid gold statue of himself in the lobby of the Trump Taj Mahal Las Vegas to an audience that reports estimate numbered in the dozens. “I’m not going to let things go that easy,â€? he said. “If I made a habit of giving up and quitting on things for my whole life, I probably would have been a‌you know‌slightly less rich person.â€? 7UXPS Ă€UVW DWWDFNHG 2EDPD IRU comments he made, suggesting their rivalry stemmed from old soccer enmity growing up in Kenya. ´, UHVHQW WKDW Ă LSSDQW LUUHVSRQVLEOH remark and deny it in the strongest possible terms,â€? he said. “Everyone on that soccer team knew that I was a better player than him, but he got

all the breaks. I mean, the coach was probably his dad or something.â€? In support of the election bid, Trump, who insisted on being called “the Donaldâ€? at the conference, has been grudgingly convinced to improve his public image. One campaign poster present at the rally tellingly featured a Sharpie revision changing the second word of Trump’s former slogan “You’re Fired, America!â€? to “You’re Hired America...Maybe.â€? Trump’s message seems to be gathering support of late, possibly due to his promise to use his vast fortune DQG Ă€QDOO\ REWDLQ D UHVSHFWDEOH hairpiece if elected. Supporter Rupert Murdoch, spoke highly of the Donald’s campaign in a recent shareholder conference. “He really understands what people like me are going through,â€? Murdoch said. “And he knows we will not simply roll over and let the government tell us what to do with our dough. It’s mine, all mine I tell you!â€? Although former Apple founder and CEO Steve Jobs is no longer alive to give his opinion on the subject of Trump’s candidacy, Trump swears the last paragraph of his will allegedly

contains an anagram constructed using the second letter of each word, spelling out the phrase “Good luck Donald.â€? Trump also added that he is dropping another doozy regarding Obama’s origins. ´, KDYH FHUWLĂ€HG JXDUDQWHHG percent concrete evidence that proves our so-­called President is not only not a citizen of the United States, but also not a citizen of this planet,â€? he said. “His family illegally immigrated to Earth from Venus in order to exploit our free water and cheap healthcare coverage. Trust me, if you were from Venus you’d see the attraction, too.â€? When asked how he would change America, Trump explained, “Casino weekends will be mandatory to stimulate the economy, everyone PDNLQJ RYHU Ă€YH PLOOLRQ GROODUV D \HDU will get to annex their own former Soviet country and the sweet nectar we drink will be the tears shed by the crushed spirits of the poor. Wait, I’m sorry, but did I say that out loud?â€? ____________________________________ Kyle Robertson is a junior journalism major who will probably vote for Reba. Email him at krobert4@ithaca.edu.

Charity Participant Takes 5K Too Seriously Friendly diabetes r un marred by overly enthusiastic participant

By Katie Taley

BUZZSAW: The Competition Issue

Y

esterday’s “Diabetes Run for the Cureâ€? charity run was marred for many by the com-­ petitiveness of one participant. Greg Sanders, a local history teacher ar-­ rived to the starting line, located in Ithaca’s scenic Cass Park, a full hour early. He then proceeded to warm up for 40 minutes, eat a Gatorade fuel gel, listen to “Eye of the Tigerâ€? on his Zune Player four times, eat another Gatorade fuel gel and yell, “Whose house is this?!â€? to no one in particu-­ lar. At the start of the race, Sand-­ ers lowered his body, put his hands on the ground in a sprinting stance and exploded onto the sidewalk. Ac-­ cording to participants, Sanders was in front for most of the race, but he slowed down occasionally in order to pass other runners and taunt them.

44

One runner (who preferred to remain anonymous) said that Sanders literal-­ ly ran circles around him at one part of the race and even jiggled his belly fat as a ‘motivational tactic’. 6DQGHUV Ă€QLVKHG WKH N LQ PLQ-­ XWHV Ă DW WKHQ ODSSHG WKH RWKHU FRQ-­ testants yelling jabs like, “Pick it up fatso,â€? and, “Sucks to suck!â€? to every-­ one as he passed. $IWHU FURVVLQJ WKH Ă€QLVK OLQH D VHF-­ ond time, Sanders held a trophy over his head and incessantly celebrated. Organizers and participants alike were put off by Sanders’s behavior. Paul Marcano, the main organizer of the run, felt that Sanders may have discouraged some other runners. “Most of our participants get wind-­ HG ZDONLQJ XS D Ă LJKW RI VWDLUV RU KDY-­ ing a passionate conversation,â€? Mar-­ cano said. “And then we get this guy

with these little water bottles attached to his waist and everything. It was ri-­ diculous.â€? Participants were also turned off by Sanders’s antics. “We’re all here to beat diabetes, not each other!â€? said one particularly doughy participant. Molly Harold seconded this sentiment saying, “I thought this was called ‘charity fun run’ not a ‘charity be a dick to everybody run.’â€? Some who are close to Mr. Sanders have speculated that his over the top behavior was a way to cope with the fact that his wife is allegedly having an affair with their next-­door neigh-­ bor. When asked, Mrs. Sanders re-­ fused to comment (but I’m pretty sure she nodded). ____________________________________ Katie Taley is a junior TVR major who was going to run, but her blood sugar was low. Email her at ktalay1@ithaca. edu.

8LI 3J½GI (MWWIW 4EVOW ERH 6IG ZME 7SGMEP 1IHME 8[MXXIV [EV KIXW QSVI PEYKLW XLER 8LI 3J½GI´W ½REP WIEWSR By Sam Colleran

S

cranton PA – What began as an innocent Twitter feud has turned into all-­out media warfare as the subjects of two beloved mockumentary shows continue to trash talk their respective counterpart. It all started with a tweet from @ TheRealDSchrute – which is believed to be the Twitter account of The 2IĂ€FH¡V Dwight Schrute – that read:

“Well, Michael [Scott] called me the other day and said that he knew for a fact that Toby was behind all of this.â€? Halpert cracked a coy grin at this point and glanced to check if anyone else was around before continuing. “But honestly, with things being what they are between Pam and I right now, I just needed to feel like my old self again. Let’s just say that putting a stapler in jello is a little old school for 2013.â€? Mr. Jerry Gurgich was unavailable for comment, as he had recently gotten his head stuck in a doggy-­door. ___________________________________ Sam Colleran is a freshman TVR major whose only request is that they keep /LO¡ 6HEDVWLDQ RXW RI LW (PDLO KLP DW scoller1@ithaca.edu.

Sawdust

producer of both shows, has just about had enough. “Look, we’ve been able to keep Scranton and Pawnee totally separate for almost 4.5 years. No crossovers, no spinoffs, nothing. Both casts are acting extremely unprofessionally. Personally, I think that Mr. Schrute is just angry that NBC is planning on renewing Parks instead of picking up The Farm (a proposed spinoff about Dwight’s beet farm) for a full season.â€? The situation has affected almost everyone involved in both shows; everyone, He was referring, of course, to the that is, except the ever-­ recent marriage of Ms. Leslie Knope positive Leslie Knope. to Mr. Ben Wyatt, two of the residents “Ok, here’s your of Pawnee, Indiana featured on KHDGOLQH Âś'XQGHU 0LIĂ LQ NBC’s other docu-­series, Parks and miffed at Pawnee’s Recreation. The wedding, which was momentous marriage’,â€? originally planned to coincide with rushed Knope. “No? How WKH VHDVRQ Ă€QDOH RI WKH VKRZ LQ 0D\ about ‘Pennsylvania was bumped forward three months Paper Pushers in a spontaneous decision that some PO’d pertaining believe to be Knope’s way of rebelling Pawnee’s Perfect against NBC execs. Proposal’. In response to Schrute’s mean-­ Yeah. I like Image by Karsissa Breuer spirited tweet, 3DUN¡V Tom Haverford that one too.â€? (@TommyFresh) quickly shot back With new reports claiming that Mr. with one of his own: Schrute had no involvement with the now infamous tweet (apparently his real Twitter name is simply @Dwight) the question of who to blame is being tossed back and forth. Ron Swanson, head of the Parks department in Pawnee, thinks he has the answer. “I don’t know anything about the matter,â€? Swanson told us. “Social media sites are for teenage girls and men trying to solve their mid-­life crises by stalking the girl they had a What followed was a slew of offensive crush on in high school. I am neither. tweets from fans and “cast membersâ€? However, if someone messed up, it alike. Soon enough, the trash-­talking was probably Jerry. He does that.â€? moved into the workplace and camera Jim Halpert, a fan favorite who crews had to begin cutting footage recently moved from Scranton to start that included any mention of the his own business in Philadelphia, was opposing show. NLQG HQRXJK WR JLYH XV KLV Ă€QDO ZRUGV Greg Daniels, the co-­creator and on the situation.

45

7TSMPIH 4YT 6IGPEMQW ,MW 7XVIIX 'VIH The story of a Pure-bred stepping up against renown boxers By Miranda Materazzo

BUZZSAW: The Competition Issue

T

hough the chihuahua who was usually seen sitting in Paris Hilton’s purse was born with the name Gregor Novikov, he was given the name Snuggles after being taken hostage by the talentless socialite. But that was three years ago, and Novikov has grown slothful and distant from his proud roots. He has not actually walked since the day he was removed from his home in a parking lot near the corner of Santa Monica Boulevard and Kelton Avenue in West Los Angeles. And even though Hilton is completely aware of her dog’s gender, she continually dresses him in pink sweaters, and at one point even considered piercing his ears. This life of hedonistic opulence is a far cry from his old lifestyle. *UHJRU ZDV D VWUHHW Ă€JKWHU back in the day, mercilessly ruling the area as part of the Kennel Killers dog gang that has plagued southern California since the Watts Riots of 1965. But things changed when the Los Angeles County dog catchers picked up Gregor on day in the spring of 2010, a day surviving members of the Kennel Killers refer to as “The Raid.â€? It was a grim day for Gregor, who at the time was tallying up the Snausage total from the last takeover of the rival Fresh Pugs of Bel Air gang. While most of Gregor’s cohorts managed to escape, he was leashed and brought to the nearest animal shelter within a matter of minutes. Due to the recent renewed interest in Chihuahuas, Gregor was almost immediately purchased by Paris Hilton. Just a few days after the 2013 New Year celebration, Snuggles saw a report on the news about a busted GRJ Ă€JKWLQJ ULQJ PXFK OLNH WKH RQH KH XVHG WR EH D SDUW RI 6XGGHQO\ Ă XVKHG with memories of his old life, Snuggles became ashamed of his mink dog carrier and diamond-­encrusted collar. He wanted to regain the respect of KLV ROG FRPSDQLRQV DQG Ă HG +LOWRQ¡V

46

Photo by Carly Sitzer

home to start his new life on the street. Despite the haggling from some feral GRJV ZKHQ 6QXJJOHV Ă€UVW UHWXUQHG WR the streets, he earned their respect after providing them with some solid connections to local rawhide dealers. Gregor quickly adapted to the ways RI KLV ROG OLIH DQG VHW RXW WR Ă€QG RQH Vincenzo Canino, the kingpin of the Compton Boxer gang. Snuggles was told he would be allowed to join the gang RQO\ LI KH FRXOG GHIHDW LWV EHVW Ă€JKWHU )RU WKH QH[W Ă€YH ZHHNV 6QXJJOHV ZHQW through grueling training. Every day, he chased cars and cats for hours, and ate nothing but wool socks and pizza crusts. Only after tearing apart his embroidered pink sweater, the last remnant of his captivity, did Snuggles feel he was ready to take on the gang’s EHVW Ă€JKWHU D ER[HU QDPHG 5XIXV O’Brien. 2Q WKH GD\ RI WKH Ă€JKW KXQGUHGV RI feral dogs from Los Angeles, Ventura, San Bernardino, and Orange Counties Ă RFNHG WR D 3HW6PDUW SDUNLQJ ORW LQ Pasadena. Snuggles recalls feeling FRQĂ€GHQW DERXW WKH Ă€JKW GHVSLWH WKH 60-­pound weight difference between

the chihuahua and boxer. Neither ÀJKWHU FDQ H[DFWO\ UHPHPEHU WKH big event since they both received head injuries. Witnesses say that O’Brien delivered several right hooks and upper cuts while Snuggles was distracted by a pigeon he saw through a broken window. Snuggles then returned with a harsh round of rabbit punches while O’Brien chased his tail. Reports indicate this is when O’Brien lost consciousness and Snuggles was declared the new leader of the Compton Boxers. Snuggles, who now goes by his birth name, currently runs the Compton Boxers and has formed an alliance with the Kennel Killers; the two groups now control all of Los Angeles and Orange Counties and terrorize feral and domestic pets and humans. _____________________________________ Miranda Materazzo is a freshman journalism major who knows from experience that life on the streets is ruff. Email her at mmatera1@ithaca.edu

1E] XLI &IWX 'LIEXIV ;MR Steroids Anonymous seeks new chairman By Chris Thomas

W

am.” When asked for examples of cheating in the competition, Merriman mentioned that most of the competitors used dictionaries on their smart phones during the Spelling Bee portion. In addition, during the cooking category, Merriman said WKDW KH VSHFLÀFDOO\ VDZ DQ DWKOHWH use frozen mashed potatoes in his Shepherd’s Pie instead of homemade mashed potatoes. The Muscle Limitation Bureau or MLB (not to be confused with Major League Baseball) has investigated these reports after several other athletes reported the same thing, but so far no evidence has been discovered. Although the head director of the MLB, Jason Giambi, announced that Melky Cabrera was seen moving the ballpark walls closer to him during the Home Run Derby, he was not available to deny these rumors. If these allegations are true, it seems that most of the athletes have completed a common step of Steroid Anonymous. “After completing the reconcilliation phase, where members read a hand-­ written apology to their personal trainers, the next step is usually switching to a different form of cheating” said McGwire. When reporters asked if he thought it stalled the recovery process McGwire simply shurgged, saying, “there’s a different support group for that.” There are two more days of activity until the new chairman will be chosen. If Armstrong wins the competition, he KDV YRZHG WR PDNH WKH ÀUVW PHHWLQJ DOO DERXW ÀQGLQJ QHZ ZD\V WR PDNH people wear his Livestrong bracelets again. The chairman will serve four years or until he runs a seven minute mile. If you or someone you know is dependent upon steroids, please come to the next SA meeting located at your local batting cage. ____________________________________ Chris Thomas is a freshman TVR major who has never used steroids, only Adderall. Email him at cthomas5@ ithaca.edu.

I haven’t put IC in my will yet? I started my Friday morning the same way I always do: procrastinating, thinking about post-grad plans by doing any other EGXMZMX] - GER XLMRO SJ %JXIV XEOMRK SYX XLI trash, cleaning my car, and responding to my aunt’s email wishing me a “Happy New Years,” I started running options until I VIQIQFIVIH ³;EMX [I LEZI E [IFWMXI - should probably look at that at least once before I graduate.’ Little did I know that [LEX - XLSYKLX [EW KSMRK XS FI E ½ZI QMRYXI excursion would turn into a full on epiphany when I stumbled upon our college’s best kept secret - I can bequest a charitable gift to Ithaca in my will. Say whaaaaa? 3FZMSYWP] - HMHR´X FIPMIZI MX - QIER MX´W just too good to be true. But it is. I scrolled down and found this gem:

And here I was thinking that my biggest challenge in life was getting a job. Sorry but Q] VIWYQI´W KSRRE LEZI XS KS SR LSPH - LEZI FMKKIV PMJI UYIWXMSRW RS[ WXEVXMRK [MXL What am I going to bequest to Ithaca ColPIKI EJXIV -´Q HIEH ERH KSRI# 7LSYPH - PIEZI the tapestry I bought in freshman year to MHIRXMJ] QI EW E JVII WTMVMX SV Q] SZIVI\TSWIH '4 ½PQ WS JYXYVI MRGSQMRK JVIWLmen don’t feel too intimidated? I know the SFZMSYW ERW[IV MW QSRI] -´Q PSSOMRK EX ]SY 6S] , 4EVO FYX - JIIP PMOI - WLSYPH WIX XLEX EWMHI JSV Q] ½GXMSREP GLMPHVIR FIGEYWI I don’t want them to feel like I’m picking JEZSVMXIW - GSYPH XV] WSQIXLMRK E PMXXPI QSVI personal. There’s my collection of Wired QEKE^MRIW XLEX - VIEH MR EPP Q] LSYV ½PQ theory classes instead of partaking in the groundbreaking discussion on whether or not Citizen Kane VIEPP] MW XLI KVIEXIWX QSZie of all time. I can also see my childhood beanie baby collection sitting nicely next to 6SH 7XIVPMRK´W )QQ]W ;EMX GER - PIEZI Q] WXYHIRX HIFX#

- Catherine Fisher

47

Sawdust

e are three days into the SAC-­D (Steroid Anonymous Chairman Decathlon) and the race is heating up. With current chairman, Mark McGwire retiring in July, Lance Armstrong has taken a lead over current second place racer Barry Bonds in an event designed to decide who gets the top spot of Chairman of the Steroid Anonymous. Alex Rodriguez and Ryan Braun are in third and forth respectively. Armstrong pulled ahead during the 30 mile Bike Race, an event Armstrong scoffed off as “child’s SOD\ µ 7KH QRWRULRXV ELNHU ÀQLVKHG the race in 36 minutes. When asking what he thought of his performance, Armstrong replied, “It was a great ride, not my best, but good. Also, I am obligated to tell the world that I did not take performance enhancers during that run.” His previous ride, that occurred last Wednesday as a ‘warm up’, took a little longer (around four hours). For those new to the Decathlon, ex-­steroid users have come from around the world to compete in the race that will decide who is in charge of the future meetings of Steroids Anonymous. This year, the Decathlon had a record-­breaking 20 racers (although not all of them gave their names due to current contractual clauses to the Yankees). The events range from the bike race, WR ÁRRU PRSSLQJ DQG HQG ZLWK D KRPH run derby. When asked about the diversity of the Decathlon, Steroids Anonymous Treasurer Jose Conseca stated, “we want a guy — or girl, but probably a guy — to prove that he is a master of athletics but also can also do what a chairman is supposed to do, like clean up after the Girlfriend Murderers Anonymous and bring the healthy, low-­testosterone snacks.” There has been recent skepticism regarding whether or not all the athletes in the race are truthful about their use of performance enhancers (or lack thereof). Former NFL star Shawne Merriman said, “I’m pretty sure most of the athletes in the competition are using performance enhancing materials. Or at least I

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Buzzsaw Asks Why...

48

BUZZSAW: The Competition Issue

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