By Eliel Safran, Staff Writer Page

A Step-By-Step Guide to Telling Men In You Life About Your Accomplishments

So They Don’t Feel Threatened // By Lily Tollin, Contributing Writer

In an age where men are so respectful (like, not condescending at all), I think it is important for us, as women, to make sure we finally treat them as well as they treat us. This is the point of equality, right? Although there is nothing I love more than making men insecure, we do have to draw the line somewhere. We need to inform them about our passions and accomplishments in a way that they respect us, while still remaining humble. I present to you a step by step guide to get you just slightly less recognition than you deserve-- without stepping on his fragile ego.

Step 1: Casually be sure to mention the difference between your salaries.

If you really want the men in your life to respect and admire your accomplishments, the best place to start is to mention the difference between your salaries every chance you get. The more backhanded you can be, the better! Be sure to mention it especially when money or salary has no relevance to the conversation, or even when he’s seeming to be extremely proud of something he’s passionate about. For example, if he’s talking about his hard-earned work promotion, be sure to mention your own work accomplishments in such a way that reminds him how imbalanced the workplace is.

Step 2: Always interrupt him when he’s speaking. Don’t ever let him finish a sentence.

Nothing he’s talking about could possibly be as important as whatever major accomplishment you just achieved, and he should learn to be comfortable with taking the backseat to your otherworldly productivity. Even if it was important, I’m sure you could explain it better; finishing his sentences for him is not irritating at all, and will definitely make him feel more understood. This in turn will make him much more willing to listen to you talk about yourself more in the future.

Step 3: Always over explain.

Everything you do is always outstanding and original, so it’s crucial, and actually beneficial to him to explain every background detail. If it’s something academics related, you get bonus points for clarifying something that’s related to his degree. Is he a business major? Try your hand at talking about your investments, and do everything you can to ensure that he leaves feeling as though he handles his own finances poorly.

Step 4: Only mention topics that you know he’s an expert

in.

If he starts talking about his blackbelt in karate or is proud of his martial arts training, be sure to list every bar fight you’ve ever seen or been in! It’s important to master the art of using his accomplishments as a reason to talk about yourself, no matter how loosely related they are.

Step 5: Be sure to comment on what he’s wearing, since he’s obviously dressing for you.

His jeans are always way too tight, so make sure to tell him! It’s not that you don’t trust him or think that he can’t take care of himself, but you know how other women are. You just want him to be safe, that’s all.

Don’t let him go too far the other way either. He should know that his appearance reflects onto you, and you can’t let your reputation be tarnished by going out with a man who can’t dress.

Step 6: Call him nicknames in front of professional friends and colleagues.

Referring to him constantly as “sweetheart” or something similar in front of his friends and colleagues is a great way to alter their view of him. It's so endearing and humanizing to make sure that all the people whose opinions he values know that he is your significant other. It’s perfectly healthy to not let him have a life where he can be seen as his own individual being.

As you can see, there are so many ways to ensure that there is absolutely no power dynamic in your relationship. By following these easy steps, you can freely talk about your accomplishments in a way that the men in your life will never feel threatened or insecure. Never let a man or genuine human connection distract you from what really matters: yourself <3

Lilly Tollin is a first- year integrated marketing communications major who is avoiding telling men about their flourishing buzzsaw career. You can reach them at ltollin@ithaca.edu

What Belongs In a Girlboss’ Bag

Tools to Make it Through the Day // By Julia DiGeronimo, Contributing Staff

To be the ultimate girlboss, you need a bag filled with items that will help you girlboss all day and night. The typical girlboss will slash through their enemies and drink their blood, but I prefer a simpler approach to my day.

Personally, I usually start with a snack.

I find that I cannot function at my best without four snacks a day, and since my mom won’t let me carry a refrigerator with me, my bag must always have at least two snacks. When a girlboss goes a day without all four snacks, well, it isn’t good. Smoke comes out of the ears and teeth turn to fangs. A simple granola bar will fend off the fangs and prevent the smoke. The second snack needs to be heavy duty because really all the first one did was make you more hungry. Anything from a sandwich to a whole chicken can suffice.

My second item is deodorant and perhaps a favorite perfume or body spray.

When it smells like you have something green and feral growing under your pits, it’s time to pull out the deodorant.

My third item is a machete.

In order to be a true girlboss, you need to fight through hundreds of men just to get to where you want to be. A semi-large machete will make this task ten times easier and prevent a lot of unwanted touches and tears.

Fourth is a pen.

Because a girlboss can be anyone or anything, a pen should always be available whether you need to sign an autograph or the deed to your mansion.

The last necessity is a pair of headphones.

People (men) have chosen us girlbosses as the chosen ones, meaning we are subject to every tearfully boring tale they subject us to. If you use a pair of heavy duty headphones, they can prevent blood pouring out of your ears from the dreadful words.

Now. Girlboss. These might be your most important items.

Start with a pink, preferably Victoria's Secret, makeup bag. Now inside this back, you might guess, you need to have every single makeup product you own. Us girlbosses cannot get through the day without beating our faces to an inch of our lives. We need that mask to appeal to what everyone wants to see. With the ultimate cover, you can get everyone to bend to your wishes. You might also want to have a chisel or knife of some sorts to get through your base layer. Just like everyone else assumes about us, you know we can’t function without a face of makeup on!

I hope this has helped you pack your ultimate GirlBoss Bag because it chills me to the bone to imagine anyone functioning without these core items. Stop living a drab and honestly, embarrassing life, and start girlbossing!

Julia DiGeronimo is a third-year writing major who always carries a bag with 10lbs of equipment, just in case You can reach them at jdigeronimo@ithaca.edu

10 Signs you’ve Girlbossed Too Close to The Sun

You Need a break // By Eliel Safran, Staff Writer

If there’s one thing we know about our independent millennial and gen-z ladies, it’s that we love to slay! In our fast-paced work culture, us Girlbosses can feel unstoppable, but it IS possible to work too hard! Here are some signs that you may be overworked and it might be time for a self-care day! In my experience if you find yourself doing any of these things it may just be time to pop on a face mask and sit back with a bowl of popcorn to binge some Riverdale!

1. You’ve been feeling stressed.

Feeling overwhelmed can be a sign to slow down!

2. You’ve been spending less time on yourself.

You time is important for your health!

3. The CIA isn’t watching you, but they aren’t NOT watching you either.

What can we say! We’ve all been there! 8. You find yourself losing the better part of days staring into store windows at your reflection, thinking about how nice it would be to be one of the people inside: warm, comfortable, consumed with their daily lives, un-afflicted by the flashbacks.

Don’t feel down! After they’ve met you they’ll get the flashbacks too!

4. You can hear the people in the floor speaking to you and they’re starting to ask for increasingly fancy cheeses.

This one’s important, luxury cheese gets expensive!

5. The skeletal nubs that once were your fingers have turned gangrenous and are causing you to black out.

Think of the classic mantra “if they’re turning black, reel it back.”

6. The puppet citizens you’ve placed strategically on school boards and city councils across the Midwest are starting to rebel and demand more agency in their decisions.

It can be tempting to squash rebellion with overblown violence but get a massage instead! Much like those extra pounds, murder charges are hard to keep off! 7. You notice a change in libido.

Increase or decrease! Both bad!

9. Your mother-in-law finds the folder labeled “Albuquerque” on your desktop and now she won’t make eye contact and you’re worried she’s gonna tell.

Ease your worries with some Ben and Jerry’s! You’re only human!

10. You looked at your son the other day and noticed his

Recall that this morning he was talking to you and slipped into a slight southern drawl even though you live in Los Angeles, and then you asked him about it and he denied it but like a little too vehemently and you’re starting to feel uncomfortable and strange around him.

eyes were green but you were pretty sure they’ve always been dark brown, and now that you think of it, his hair looks a little curlier too and he’s way too old to have a changing eye color.

Eliel Safran is a second-year film, photography and visual arts major who keeps leaving voicemails to her friends about ‘the great conspiracy,’

You can reach them at esafran@ithaca.edu

Girlboss Culture Revealed

It was Actually Just Capitalism in a Sparkly Trench Coat the Whole Time // By Mikayla Tolliver, Contributing Writer

Breaking news! We have identified the subject after months of trying! Now that we’ve uncovered who our sneaky subject is, a lot of people seem to be having reactions of complete shock and astonishment.

Perhaps we should update you on the story: early in 2021 a mysterious figure cloaked in a to-die-for pink trench coat made by an unidentified designer stormed the land.

It seemed that the cloaked-figure was everywhere, being found in multiple cities but never being identified. We began to call the subject Miss Girlboss Culture and we began to adore her. We even gave her a little slogan “gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss…” We’d often spy her waking up before everyone else, stepping on other people and writing three books before the microwave countdown ever had the chance. I mean, I think we all wanted to be her at one point. That’s until I think we began getting suspicious of how ethical Miss Girlboss Culture was. I mean how possible is it that you actually get up at 5am everyday and have built an empire by 6am? She was also always trying to sell us new products in her videos she often posted on TikTok.

Well folks, we have finally caught the subject and it turns out our sparkly subject was just Mr. Capitalism in deguise. *Sigh.* I mean, are we surprised? We caught up with Mr. Capitalism to interview him about his little heist. When we asked him if he regretted manipulating people into working for him he just shrugged and said “they made the individual choice and what’s better than individualism?” He didn’t much feel like answering any of our other questions such as “do you know how horrible you are?”

Mr. Capitalism will not be held accountable for his injustices such as tricking several women to overwork themselves for him without their knowledge.

We caught up with one of Mr. Capitalism’s victims, Miss Boss Babe. Miss Boss Babe is clearly still brainwashed by Mr. Capitalism’s actions saying “What’s wrong with all this? I can sell stuff from my home from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep! Money! Who doesn’t like money?” We sighed and gave up on the rest of the interview.

It turns out people aren’t as surprised as how we thought they might be. I know I might have said otherwise a few paragraphs ago. Contrary to popular news headlines, it turns out the majority of society sort of saw this coming I realize.

Mikayla Tolliver is a second-year writing major who is now afraid to take off their sparkly trench coat. You can reach them at mtolliver@ithaca.edu

Buzzsaw Asks Why…

Nobody Will Take Me Up on this Really Good Business Opportunity

Three months ago, I quit my 9-5 to pursue a career that had flexible hours, the option to work from home, and the opportunity to be my own boss. I moved out of my parents house and into a swanky apartment uptown, and I could even afford to shop at Whole Foods. How do I do it? Simple. Once a month, I climb the volcano, throw in the cursed book and make sure it burns.

It all started when I was contacted by an associate of Cutco Knives who had sunken eyes and smelled of sulfur. They promised me that their knives were legit, durable, and that they were only one sale away from ascending to the “plane of possibilities.”.’When I declined the sale, they leaned in and told me that there was another opportunity that may be more tantalizing. It was then that they gave me the cursed book. When I first saw the cursed book, it smelled of cinnamon and leather and had faded pages like a well-loved library book. Holding it made me feel whole for the first time in months, and I was drawn in by it’s intoxicating intrigue. The associate told me that all I needed to do was destroy the book on the first of every month and endless wealth would befall me. I took the book, unsure of whether or not I would complete the task. Yet the next day, as I was standing by the water cooler at my job discussing Jessica’s round baby, I felt a piece click in my heart. I quit that afternoon, freed from the chains of my old life.

The cursed book is as solid as steel and as durable as mountains. The first time I tried to destroy it, I dulled all the knives in my kitchen and almost burned the house down. The second time, I dented the front of my car and, the third time, I melted my trash can.

I have found that the only effective way to destroy it is to climb the local volcano and throw it into the boiling magma. I destroy the book on the first of every month, and a small pile of gold appears beneath my pillow the next morning. The book reappears on my doorstep three weeks later and the cycle continues.

This job has allowed me to really pursue my hobbies and make a comfortable life for myself. I’m making art, dating and really exploring who I am outside the stresses of work. Sure, the voices sometimes get too loud and I have to lay down, and often I contemplate throwing myself in after the book, just to make things easier. Still, I just bought tickets to go to Italy next month and that’s going to be a really exciting trip.

I’m thinking of taking a break from my work, maybe returning to something with more structure. For some reason, every neighbor, friend and coworker I have offered the job to has inexplicably turned it down. I might have to force the book into their hands and hope that they have the same need for wholeness that I once did. Until then, I am going to keep my head down, climb the volcano once a month, and continue hoarding my gold for a rainy day.

Your Editor who is going back to her MLM,

Sarah