The North Star April Satire issue

THE

NORTH ST R Issue 9, Volume 27 Blue Valley North Overland Park, KS April 12, 2013

sat·ire

(noun) - wit, irony or sarcasm

used to expose and discredit vice or folly Merriam-Webster Unabridged

Dear Readers:

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his time of year can take a toll on all of us. With finals, AP tests, college decisions and other spring craziness, the last months of the semester seem to drag on. This issue is meant to be a break from

the monotony by making you smile and think at the same time.

We see a major purpose of a newspaper as reflecting the problems and controversies that matter to us. In this issue, we’re exploring a fresh

way to do that – through the lens of satire. We’re interested in not only providing entertainment, but also helping our readers perceive things a little differently.

This issue has allowed us to

step out of our own comfort zones to produce unusual and funny writing without letting our stories lose their meaning. We hope it’s as exciting to read as it was to produce.

Enjoy.

02

New fence generates feelings of security

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hen the new fence was installed along the path to the mobiles in January, no one expected that it would be overtly praised for its heightened security in the following months.

“With the mobiles, we needed to keep the back door open, but the way we had it, anyone could walk in,” Associate Principal Mickey Masterson said. “I realize it’s not an absolute safeguard, but it’s certainly a deterrent.”

But students have been raving about the increased security the fence offers.

“The new fence gives me a sense of security that I’ve never had before,” sophomore Joseph St. Pierre said.

“That fence is the line that separates order and chaos.”

In fact, both students and parents are excited about the extra security the fence offers.

“I’ve talked to my parents, and they

said that it’s more impenetrable than the iron curtain was,” sophomore Natalia Mushegian said. “There is no way anyone could hop that fence.”

Even teachers have taken to the barred aesthetic of the fence, and also its functional purposes.

“I enjoy teaching in a gated community,” health teacher Richard Attig said. “The fence helps keep the trash contained in this area when kids drop it out there.”

But when most people are joining in on the new fence hype, sophomore James Bergman feels that the fence is an affront to himself and others.

“The fence has caused me deep emotional scarring,” Bergman said.

“It’s symbolic of all the ugliness around me, and it makes me feel so trapped.”

The general appearance of the fence is what offends Bergman the most.

“When I first saw the fence, I took

one look at it and said, ‘What an ugly fence,’” Bergman said.

“There aren’t enough crossbars for how tall the fence is, and black is just not the right color.

I can’t even look at it when I walk out the back door.”

But Bergman seems to be alone in his feelings. Almost everyone in the school has been swept over by the feeling of new security.

“Now that the fence is here, I know I can live safely,” junior Sarah Amos said. “I feel as if Invader senior Ellie Holcomb climbs the new fence. “Although it’s the Berlin Wall protecting climbing this was difficult, my ultimate goal of invading the school made it worth it,” Holcomb said. Photo by Lindsey me.”

Rucker.

Despite this, Bergman still plea will reach receptive ears. wants the fence to be taken away.

“I just want my voice to be heard,” “I think we need to tear down this Bergman said. “The fence oppresses wall,” Bergman said. “It’s for the good me as a person. All I want is for that of BVN.” to end.”

But with the force of so many against Rachel Strohkorb him, it doesn’t appear as if Bergman’s Super Nerd

College Board conspires against North students

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n a shocking and unfortunate turn of events, AP test dates are scheduled for the same days as they were before North had five snow days. Frustration is rampant among students and teachers alike, as the

dates get in the way of their journey to perfect scores.

“Actually, we would’ve had more time to prepare the students because our test was moved back later in the year than it usually is, so the snow days have washed out that advantage,” AP U.S. History teacher Jason Smajda said.

“The mistake [by the College Board] was letting it snow.

They need to move the test dates back.”

Because North is far more intelligent than other schools, it consistently has much higher AP scores. Many believed this would grant the school later test dates so that their streak of perfection would not be ruined, but when they heard that the dates did not change, they were beyond shocked. “[I’m] absolutely shocked.

Senior Rachel Goldstein prepares for May’s AP tests, which North scores will be the for some reason have retained the same date despite snow days. Photo by Lindsey Rucker. highest in the nation, therefore

if [the College Board] really cared about having good scores, they would accommodate our schedule,” AP English Language teacher Susan Whitfield said.

Whitfield made her shock known in a concise cry of outrage directed toward the College Board.

“S-R-S-L-Y?” Whitfield said.

Because the dates didn’t change, teachers are crunched for time and need to find ways to ensure success to North’s usual standards, no matter what that entails. “[I’ll] be more of a jerk to my students by asking them to do even more work than they already can’t handle,” Smajda said.

“I’ll be asking them to give up Saturdays and holidays. And Prom, Prom is off. We already read ‘The Great Gatsby.’ They don’t have to go to Prom,” Whitfield said.

The students themselves are feeling this time crunch. Study sessions have already begun, and many are in states of panic as the middle of May

approaches.

“I mean, I’m freaking out because for the English one we’ve been taking practice quizzes and the highest percentage I’ve gotten is a 47 percent, so that’s pretty bad. I need more time to prepare,” junior Maddie Howard said. “I was having a panic attack the other night, so I went out and bought some prep books.”

Like Howard, others are hitting the books. Students are also piling into morning review sessions that just started, leading to jam-packed classrooms with no desks to spare.

Hysteria is just in its beginning phases now in April, and many should expect it to grow to unmanageable levels as the unchanged dates draw nearer.

“I always worry [about AP tests].

I don’t sleep all night, my students can sleep, but I’ll be up all night worrying,” Whitfield said.

Hayley Berger Blossoming Elitist

03

Administration subtracts boredom, adds fun!

BVN cuts mathematics program

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esponding to harsh criticism from students relaying that they’ll “never use this in the real world,” the administration has made the decision to cut the math program and redirect the funding toward athletics, effective next year.

Students have been overwhelmingly supportive of this decision, citing their relief that they would no longer be forced to memorize useless “formulas” and “laws of the natural

world.” Additionally, cutting the math program has had positive effects on students’ self-esteem.

“I’ve had a tough battle with math ever since elementary school,” senior Jenny Phillips said. “Whenever I don’t do well on a test, it causes me to question my self-worth and overall being. I’m glad everyone else can agree that math is pointless.”

Phillips believes that the emotional battle involved in pursuing

Sophomore Ram Sivakumar erases his complicated math homework now that he will no longer need math in the school’s curriculum. Photo by Lindsay Rucker.

mathematics isn’t worth the potential payoff.

“There have been many futile nights on MathXL,” Phillips said.

“Sometimes I want to beat my head against the keyboard as MathXL taunts me and tells me that I’m wrong, and my answers are in the wrong form. It keeps me awake at night.”

Not only do students recognize the uselessness of math, but some teachers have even admitted to intentionally lying to students by overstating math’s usefulness in the real world. “[Lying is] one of the fringe benefits of teaching,” algebra and statistics teacher Mark Chonko said. “It’s something we get great joy out of.

Misleading students is one of the few perks of being a teacher.”

While the administration expected negative reactions from mathematics teachers, the reaction has actually been overwhelmingly supportive.

“Physical fitness is much more important than math,” algebra teacher Jean Reynolds said. “Your health is the most important thing, so the more we can encourage students to be involved in sports, the healthier, happier life they will lead.”

“A career in athletics is far more promising than a career in mathematics,” algebra and Math Strategies teacher Ashley Smith added.

Students, too, support the redirection of funding to athletics.

“I think the money from the math program should go to the football team,” Phillips said. “We have the makings to be a football school. We have the fan base. We have the spirit.

We just don’t have the funding. One day we may be the football hub that I dream about every night.”

“[Lying is] one of the

teaching,” algebra and statistics teacher Mark Chonko said.

“It’s something we get great joy out of.”

Sarah Evans THE Editor

04

ATHLETE OF THE

M NTH

NFL player tackles competitors Forensicator’s dedication brings success

nutrition plan to keep his body in top shape for competition.

“What you eat is critical. Without consuming the proper foods and supplements, you can wave goodbye to any chance of success,” Fromm said.

A typical diet prior to competitions for Junior Scott Fromm gets comfortable for a night of cutting cards. Fromm adds to Fromm consists his files to prepare for his next forensics tournament. Photo by Erica Emert. of many raspberry foods. Raspberry unior Scott Fromm refers ice cream, Jell-O to himself as a forensicator, and gummies are his main dietary otherwise known as a supplements. Protein powder is also motivational, inspirational speaker of essential for Fromm to maximize his tomorrow. Fromm spends most of his strength. time on the sport for the betterment Although there are many of the NFL or the National Forensics competitors, Fromm knows what he League. brings to the sport and how to use his “The amount of time I spend on skills to his advantage. forensics is impossible to calculate, “Many people tell me my most useful but I can tell you that forensics is by asset is my charm. Judges always love far the most time consuming sport it when I crack an occasional smile out there,” Fromm said. or make a witty joke. Also my handFromm notes that people don’t eye coordination is stellar as well as realize how challenging the sport is my height, which plays a key role in mentally and definitely physically. He victory,” Fromm said. practices year-round, rain or snow.

Fromm notes that many people don’t “Practice is key to maintaining my realize all the benefits the sport has to skills for all of my tournaments. I offer. even occasionally have to miss parties “Carrying paper from room to room when important tournaments are is a great arm workout, and standing coming up. In fact, I have missed up for minutes on end really works every single party ever. That’s what I the legs. Giving speeches in front of call dedication,” Fromm said. people makes you sweat more than The North team is currently fourth running around for hours. It keeps me place in the country in the NFL, in such great shape,” Fromm said. and Fromm strives to push the team While Fromm has participated in further to the top. other sports, he believes that forensics “Scott really puts the team on his is the most physically exhausting. back. Blood, sweat and tears while “I also have participated in cross cutting extemp cards describe country. When I see other people his work ethic. Lots of weekends complaining about how tired they are have been sacrificed for the NFL,” after a race, I laugh at their ignorance. sophomore Molly Lindsey said.

Nobody knows the true definition Fromm adheres to a regimented of tired until they speak for hours

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on end at a forensics tournament,” Fromm said.

“It is as physically draining as any other sport; you’re speaking on your feet and trying to think and persuade,” junior Linda Yang said.

“It is as physically draining as any other sport; you’re speaking on your feet and trying to think and persuade.”

While forensics does have its benefits, the sport has the risk of injuries. Fromm notes that injuries are frequent during rounds.

“Once I was leaning back in my chair, and I fell and hit my head. The medical staff was worried I had a concussion, but I insisted I could play on,” Fromm said.

Fromm describes forensics as a very emotionally involved sport.

“If you beat a team badly, they

will get extremely angry, which is bad news when it comes time for post-round handshakes. I have been scratched plenty of times, and one girl almost broke my pinky finger. I have never seen a basketball player cry during a game, but the number of times I have made forensics athletes cry during rounds is countless,” Fromm said.

Although Fromm has yet to attend his first tournament of the current forensics season, Fromm plans to compete in his first tournament April 12.

Other forensicators, such as junior Mady Womack, Yang and sophomore Vijay Ramasamy have qualified for the Catholic Forensics League national competition, but Fromm notes that due to his perseverance and commitment he deserves the AOTM award.

“I’m glad to be receiving the AOTM award because it’s important that people realize the dedication that forensics takes as a sport. This needs to be publicly acknowledged. After all, if wrestling or basketball is considered a sport, there is no way someone can discount forensics,” Fromm said.

Sydney House Neck Brace Diva

Fromm uses exclamatory hand motions to portray his message during a practice round. Photo by Erica Emert.

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06

Tweeters provide insightful commentary Faryal Jafri Zuckerberg Jr.

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t’s a Thursday afternoon, and you’re procrastinating on homework. You hop on Twitter and to your delight, you see a play-by-play of the day of those you follow.

“I really enjoy reading that my friends are ‘watching TV’ or ‘eating a burger.’ It just helps me stay informed,” junior @EAntonenko said.

“I love scrolling through the numerous tweets of people eating at Taco Bell, and how they have no social life and need someone to save them; if I’m really lucky I’ll see the duck-face selfies with their cat,” junior @ Jamie__Jam said.

Others look to Twitter for a constant update of the latest North scandals straight from the party scene.

“On the weekends, if I can’t make it to a party, I really like it when other people tweet every second of the party,” junior @emjgold said.

Although most of the school is on Twitter, there are a few stragglers. Those who don’t tweet feel the pain every day when they are left out of hundreds of informative conversations online about a student’s daily woes.

“I feel like I have no idea what’s going on because everyone is always on Twitter. My friends don’t even talk to me in real life anymore,” junior Rachna Igwe said.

To stayed informerd with North, Twitter is the place to go. If you’re not there, you’re out of loop.

[Berger Time]

by a stunning, professional photo of the editor. But how, exactly, does one write such a beautiful piece?

All you need to know about writing an editor’s column is in these four crucial steps:

1. Pick a topic. An editor’s

Write like an editor

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Hayley Berger Blossoming Elitist

n every issue of The North Star newspaper, there are editors’ columns scattered throughout the pages. At the top there’s a meaningful name such as [Berger Time] followed

column is the most important part of the page it’s on, so you really need to focus on picking a topic that will captivate your readers and draw their attention away from the other stories. Because so many people will be reading this, you need to use that power to teach the readers something important. The best ideas for a column come from heartwarming stories of another person’s life. Don’t

write about yourself in your column: focus on others, especially celebrities.

When in doubt, shoot for the crowdfavorite of a sappy, inspirational piece.

2. Start writing. Columns

are works of art that come at random times. Don’t spend days writing this piece; it works best if you start writing it at midnight the night before the work night for the paper, that’s when the real writer in you will shine.

3. Edit. Although you obviously

won’t need to make too many edits, a journalist’s job is to be accurate. If a word is too small, take out a thesaurus and replace it with a much bigger word, preferably one that you don’t

know. Remember, you have to sound smart.

4. Cut it down. The most

unfortunate part of a column is the miniscule amount of space provided.

Though it’s necessary for it to be small because you don’t want to overwhelm your readers with too much brilliance, it always proves difficult to fit the text in. Create more space by bunching everything together so that it looks crowded. If the above method fails, you can always take out “and” and “the” where needed.

Now sit back, relax and wait for the compliments to pour in after the paper is delivered.

07

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n case you felt like you needed a second one, from the same studio that brought you “GI Joe: Rise of Cobra” comes “GI Joe: Retaliation.”

This one stars Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as “Roadblock” (seriously?) and two other no-name never-tobe action stars. Oh, and Channing Tatum, but his character dies after about the first 15 minutes of the movie. Coincidentally, this when the movie starts going downhill.

Since this is the second film in an action series, you’ll probably know what to expect before you even sit down. You will see neither good character development nor genuine feelings exhibited by the actors, but you’ll for sure be able to watch as the screenwriters satisfy their desire to blow things up on screen.

“Retaliation” plays as one of those movies where the good guys are framed for something the bad guys did, and the world turns on them and they have to prove their innocence.

Meanwhile, one of the bad guys is,

gasp, pretending to be the president, while the real president is being held hostage and tortured by the bad guys.

If you’ve never seen a “prove-yourinnocence” movie, allow me to walk you through the plot. First, the movie starts with a mission that showcases the physical ability of the characters.

If Channing Tatum is in the movie and he hasn’t taken his shirt off in the first five minutes, they’re doing it wrong. Then the movie shows the characters in a home setting, so the audience can truly identify with these soldiers as human beings. Here, we find “The Rock” and Tatum playing “Call of Duty” on their day off. The joke between them is that Tatum is a great fighter in real life but he can’t hold his own when playing a video game. Too funny.

Then, you guessed it; the next scene is where everything goes wrong.

The Joes are framed, and almost all of them die. The Cobras, who are a made-up futuristic terrorist organization in the GI Joe Universe,

take over the White House, and since only “The Rock” and his two nobodies know this, it is up to them to save the planet from nuclear chaos.

Good thing “The Rock” is so strong, Members of G.I. Joe team up to fight against Cobra leader Zartan. If they fail, the world because will crumble. Photo from http://spinoff.comicbookresources.com otherwise I’m not sure he would’ve been able to I won’t spoil the movie for you, if carry the weight of the world on his you really can’t guess how it ends. shoulders.

Instead, you can spend $15 to watch There’s lots of action in this movie. an IMAX 3D with quality so abysmal Lots of it. Really, the action scenes are it was basically 2D. But at least you’ll the movie’s most redeeming qualities. get the glasses. And one thing’s It was always a shame when they for sure: I’ll start caring about the had to be interrupted by some line characters more than the explosions from a character saying something as the minute the screenwriters do. thought-provoking as “Let’s move” or Danny Rosenberg “We’re fighting for our brothers.”

Cynic

Spring break forever

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ollywood is churning out increasingly lazy films. The shortage of meaningful, emotionally impacting scripts and the abundance of slack-jawed, emptyeyed actors leaves little room for brilliant filmmaking. I believe with absolute, unconditional certainty that “Spring Breakers” is the exception.

The premise of the movie is quite simple: four mature and psychologically stable college girls decide to ditch their dreary lives and head out on a memorable spring break trip. To get enough money to pay for cheap beer and a cramped motel room for a week, the two alphas of the group decide to steal a car and rob a fast-food restaurant, all the while wearing pink ski masks and wedgie-inducing shorts. The young women then proceed to have a spiritually enlightening experience

at some The aggressive undisclosed neon colors, tropical the shaky location, camera and complete the repeated with empty phrase “sprang staring, break fo’eva” giggling, helped me to strip clubs, understand park benches, the film’s alcohol, underlying drugs and, theme: that of course, a the pressure Lamborghini Cotty, Faith, Candy and Brit show some skin while commiting on young girls commercial. battery, robbery and murder in “Spring Breakers”. Photo from can only lead to I could see thefilmstage.com. a tragic lack of past the always bikini-clad teenagers, clothing and eventually, cold-blooded James Franco’s gangster drag and the murder. excessive crotch and butt shots. I saw The characters in “Spring Breakers”, the deeper meaning with the help with colorful names such as “Alien”, of the minimalist performances by “Candy”, “Big Arch” and “Cotty”, the title actors who delivered their are incredibly relatable and have lines with incredible nonchalance. discernible personal attributes, all the

while behaving in the same angsty, sexually perverse way. The fact that the girls are scantily dressed for a majority of the film could be called objectification and blatant sexism, but it could also be considered a victory for the feminist movement.

Women are no longer limited to the kitchen. In this modern age we can be anything we want to be; we can even conform to the stereotype of partyanimal college girls.

If you like seeing bare breasts flopping around in slow-motion and hearing generic pop music serenade you for the duration of your movie experience, then this is the film for you. I even recommend taking children to see this film, to teach them the morally correct way to contract STDs and play beer pong.

Kiera Bolden Silent Plotter

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Best of BVN: 2012-2013

Best Dance Move

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aving trouble staying on top of this year’s hottest trends? The North Star has your back. For an in-depth look at the fashion and lifestyle of North students, check out our review of this year’s Best of BVN. Ellie Holcomb

Twerking is a type of dance associated with shaking the hips and posterior in a squatting position, but it has become so much more.

As America’s sweetheart, Miley Cyrus says, it’s “a lot of booty”, so needless to say BVN disapproves. Not to fear though, you can still get your twerk on while partying at Orlando’s, a religious family gathering or in your friend’s darkened basement.

Sarah Evans

Best Profile Pictures The Peace Sign Vegan Police

Twerking

design by

The Blue Valley Pose

Want to look like the future sorority girl you know you are? Turn slightly to the side, put your hand on your hip and grin. Not only does this pose allow multiple people to fit into the frame, it also shows off how thin you are!

The High Bun

Perfect for those sleep-in/ unwashed hair days, this style towers above the rest. Not only does it add a few inches to your height, it doubles as impromptu hair curlers and volumizers! Simply twist hair into a large knot directly on top of head, secure with ponytail holder or bobby pins and go!

Erica Emert Nutella Expert

Lindsay Rucker Ginger

Shorts with Uggs Hot AND cold? It’s ok, we have the perfect fashion trend for you.

Uggs and super short, brightly colored athletic shorts have hit the hallways of North. Perfect for keeping your feet cozy and your legs breezy cool, this fashion trend accentuates quad muscles while hiding those unsightly cankles.

Give peace a chance and let all of your Facebook friends know about your philosophical and ideological beliefs. Not only does this popular profile picture choice tag you as a believer in peace and harmony, it also looks trendy.

Jessi Glueck Co-Editor in Chief

The Duck Face

Also known as the “Angelina Jolie”, this top choice is a flattering and seductive look created by pressing the lips together and then out, often in a “selfie”.

The Sensitive Guy

Best Hairstyle

THE Editor

photos by

Best Fashion Trend

Love your cat? Want to win girls? Show off your softer side by cuddling up with your best and softest friend to keep the ladies wanting

Best School Lunch

Best #Hashtag

Best Class

Sonic

With no viable choices in the school caf, one must look beyond to greater cuisines. Why buy an apple and a salad with some juice or water when tater tots, a footlong coney dog or a triple cheese burger could await you, eager to lull you into a nap better than any sixth hour lecture.

Newspaper

With over 10 eager students crammed into two classrooms, space is at a premium in this high-demand class. Students dream of writing for the widely-read paper, having their works praised by their peers and being so kindly discussed in the hallways.

#TransformationTuesday

Want to show how much you’ve changed since infanthood? Because most of us have stayed the same, you might be the only one. Join this online trend and show how pretty you’ve gotten - preferably with a ridiculously dramatic senior picture pose.

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Follow us on Twitter to get the latest updates on Blue Valley North!

@bvnnews

11

Lil rapper makes big noise

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ap icon Lil Wayne’s latest album release has been plagued with hospital visits and backstage fights that have put his album in the spotlight. Not wanting to stray too far from his clean-cut image, Lil Wayne’s new album “I Am Not a Human Being II� shows him to be the positive role model the hiphop industry has come to know and idolize.

Hit tracks on Weezy’s 10th solo album “I Am Not a Human Being II� like “Rich As F***� and “Wowzers� have proven that this music mogul hasn’t strayed from his respectful hometown values.

The lyrical genius’ first solo album since 2011 includes a number of featured artists with well-established roots in the hip-hop industry. From Soulja Boy of “Crank That� fame to the eloquent Juicy J and 2 Chainz, this

New album revives desolate genre galore� to the

album has everything. “I Am Not a Human Being II� opens with the title track “IANAHB�.

Beginning with a touching instrumental, this song builds to an anthem of Weezy’s true identity. He chants out religiously that he “thanks God that [he’s] not basic�. Lil Wayne discovers himself in this track as the listener realizes that he really is not a human being. “Curtains�, the second track on the album, exemplifies what true lyricism and vocal skills Weezy possess.

Lil Wayne explains how he gets through his days by “wildin off them shroomies�. The refreshing autotune of Lil Wayne’s voice is easy on the ears and adds some authenticity to the album.

If listeners are looking for a lesson in “hustlenomics,� look no further.

Rapper 2 Chainz adds his “swagger

track “Days and Days�.

This poetic anthem to Weezy’s humble life gives us a sneak peek into the daily struggles he faces. The rapper reveals in this track what it’s like to barely get by on a Lil Wayne is the paragon of the music industry. His beautiful, auto-tuned vocal meager $23.1 tones have captured the hearts of many across the nation. Photo from http:// million a year. rustyjabbzentertainment.blogspot.com. and “I Am Not a Human Being II� is With rhymes like eyes, lives, lines the way to get it. and thighs, fans wonder why Weezy isn’t teaching English classes. We all Ashley Ruben Pot Stirrer need a little more Tunechi in our lives

Eccentric cafĂŠ offers fresh experience

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alking into the quaint little cafÊ situated at the corner of 135th and Briar, the aroma of freshly brewed coffee and the sound of patrons chatting fills the air and I instantly know I’m in for a treat. With the line of customers stretching all the way around the block, the place is a bit more crowded than I would have liked. I find myself wondering if this place is really as far outside the bubble as I thought.

The wait to place my order is made a little less painful, however, by the anticipation of receiving my delectable beverage.

After about an hour, I finally find myself at the front of the line. I don’t feel the slightest bit rushed as I deliberate on which drink to order.

I eventually decide on a caramel frappuccino, which turns out to be almost as delicious as it is easy to spell. The total cost is $9, a perfectly reasonable price to pay for a daily coffee habit. I pay for my drink and step to the side of the store to wait

Starbucks departs from coffee cliches

while it is prepared.

Twenty minutes later, I collect my coffee from the counter only to be faced with the next challenge: finding a place to sit. Every table is occupied by preteen and high school girls in Uggs and oversized sweaters make duck faces and take Starbucks not only provides each of its customers with great service, but also with pictures of their delicious hot and iced beverages. Photo by Laura Hockstad. drinks with their sweeteners and empty calories iPhones before uploading them to overwhelm my senses, I know that all Instagram. Customers who have already completed this ritual sip their the difficulties involved in obtaining my precious frappuccino were worth coffees and tweet about their lifeit. The whipped cream, milk and changing experience. caramel do a lovely job of hiding the Bracing myself, I squeeze through taste of coffee entirely and creating a the horde of coffee addicts and, after sugary drink I can truly enjoy. extensive searching, find an empty If I had to say something negative table hidden in a corner. I sit down about this restaurant, it would be and take the first sip of my drink. that this place might be a little too far As the blissful tastes of artificial outside the bubble for its own good.

I scoured the Internet beforehand to find a location nearby, and even then the entrance was so discreet that I drove around for 15 minutes before realizing that I had missed the storefront. Still, this was a small price to pay for the extraordinary experience this cafÊ had to offer. I left the restaurant feeling genuinely refreshed and satisfied with my experience. If you’re looking for a unique dining experience and a truly exceptional cup of coffee, Starbucks is definitely worth a try.

Try it for yourself: t #SJBS 4USFFU -FBXPPE t 3PF "WF -FBXPPE t 8 UI 4U 0WFSMBOE 1BSL t 8 UI 4U 0MBUIF t #MVF 7BMMFZ 1LXZ 0WFSMBOE 1BSL

Emily Levinson Sidekick Nerd

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hrowing your best friends under the bus, overdosing on drugs, creating elaborate schemes, obsessing over material things; these are just a few of the admirable activities featured in the insightful, innocent television series “Gossip Girl.”

Let’s start with Chuck Bass. He perfectly exemplifies a man of decency. With prostitutes and young mistresses constantly scurrying about his suite, it is clear that Chuck is an honest character who values meaningful relationships with women. Not only does he cherish these relationships, but he also forms deep bonds with his family.

This becomes evident when Chuck watches as his father dangles from a

“Gossip Girl” characters teach valuable lessons

skyscraper and falls to his death in the last season.

Next, there is the responsible and humble Serena Van Der Woodsen.

This young woman has been a true role model from the very beginning of the series when she got wasted on Thanksgiving day and almost was hit by a taxi. She continues to prove her character when she sleeps with her best friend’s boyfriend without giving it a second thought – as she has done with every guy in the city. Along with her intact morals and model behavior, she is also extremely mature and knows how to handle conflict.

This is apparent in almost every episode when she flies on her private jet to Paris or overdoses on pills and

“‘Gossip Girl’

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hops on the next train out of town every time her life seems to be “crashing down”.

Lastly, there is Blair Waldorf, a woman who has her priorities straight, with stylish headbands and social status topping the list. Why worry about getting a job when you can spend your time plotting an intricate Spotted: The modest characters of “Gossip Girl” pausing for a moment scheme against one of as they casually go about their daily lives in the Upper East Side. Photo your close friends? Plus, from thinspirationlovesme.blogspot.com she clearly knows how to pick a good man. Really, you can’t do such amazing role models to look up better than Chuck Bass–who, like a to in episodes week after week. If you true catch, trades her for his business. have not yet immersed yourself in the “Gossip Girl” flawlessly develops saintly world of the Upper East Side, righteous, respectable characters it’s time to log into Netflix and start that serve as great examples for men taking notes. and women of all ages. There is no question why many teens have formed Mallory Gossip Girl such honorable habits as they have

XOXO

Books become obsolete as abridged versions take the lead in reading

ired of reading those great American novels? After digging through all 172 pages of “The Great Gatsby”, I’d had it. I was excited to hear that I could skip the tedious reading process and instead get the same experience online, in an abridged form. Hitting up SparkNotes, I read the entirety of this classic novel in minutes to see what I had been missing.

The SparkNotes version of “The Great Gatsby” got to the point. Void of all those pesky details, it allowed me to fully understand what Fitzgerald really wanted me to get out of his classic novel–the skeleton of the plot. Who needs details? All they do is take up space. SparkNotes can tell me there was a party, people slept together and someone got shot (spoiler alert!) all in a few short and painless lines.

Nothing compares to how SparkNotes described relationships.

It was completely clear in their summary who Nick, Daisy, Jordan, Tom, Gatsby and Myrtle were. I got to know each of these key players so well, it’s as though they’re old friends of mine.

Get ready to throw out your classic novels when you discover that Who has time for 100+ much shorter, more concise versions are avaliable for free online at SparkNotes.com. Photo by Austin Fultz.

pages?

Nothing beat SparkNotes’ chapterby-chapter summary. It used matchless diction and imagery, keeping me perched on the edge of my computer chair. In chapter seven, Tom is “itching” for a confrontation with Gatsby over an affair Gatsby is having with Tom’s wife.

In chapter eight, events of the previous day (namely someone being hit and killed by a car) are described as “traumatic.” I felt like I was there. Gatsby’s party was also beautifully depictedsplendid with its “beach” and “oranges”. Nothing screams luxury like oranges.

SparkNotes might have left me floundering when an in-class essay was thrown my way, but the barebones plot is all here. It really was comparable to reading the book and getting the author’s purpose, only more painless and quicker! I can’t believe I ever wasted my time filling my brain with all those words, images and culturally meaningless references that I will never again use.

If you want to kind of remember the plot of famous novels and have a blurry idea of the characters, SparkNotes is a great option, whether your goal is to be able to engage in unintelligible party discussions or get an impressive C on your next English exam!

Ellie

Vegan Police

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re you ready to unleash your inner lion and pursue your prey? The competition for ladies

tips, you can become one of the hottest couples Jake Goldman Staff Twerker

After employing his 4-step program, freshman Jake Goldman is surrounded by beautiful women. “Jake calls me V-Kam and it’s hot,” senior Vanessa Kamberis said. Photo by Erica Emert.

STEP 1: Orlando’s

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it up the hottest nightclub in Kansas City: Orlando’s. If you want to take some lady friends back to Mom’s place, Orlando’s is where you need to go. Serving Diet Cokes and Sprites until the break of dawn, Orlando’s attracts the baddest teens in KC. For $10, teens can get down and twerk. The atmosphere allows teens to get frisky on Orlando’s Sunday Fundays from 8 p.m. to 1 a.m.

Everything that goes on at Orlando’s, stays at Orlando’s.

STEP 2: Protein

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espite the fierce competition for women in the hallways, here is one tip toward distinguishing yourself from all other men: protein. This coarse yet simple nutrient will bulk you up from a size 29 waist to a bulky 36. Not only will your waist expand with ungodly amounts of muscle, but your biceps and legs will too. Ladies crave inhuman amounts of muscle on a man’s body. Knowing that they could be crushed to death is an instant attraction. Trust me; whey every day.

Photos:

(top left) Teens rage on a nightly basis at Orlando’s. Photo from www.kcdance.com. (top right) Bring your protein bottle to the weight room to show that you whey hard.

Photo by Erica Emert. (bottom left) Dark Temptation Axe body spray makes the good girls go bad. Photo by Erica Emert. (bottom right) Tanning in the Level 3 bed provides a glistening glow. Photo

by Erica Emert.

STEP 3: Axe Body Spray

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ake the good girls go bad with one simple accessory: Axe body spray. Engineered by Axe scientists, it draws any woman in a 15foot radius nearer to you. The surprisingly accurate Axe commercials prove that women are wowed by the manly smell. The intriguing scent of Dark Temptation is a perfect addition to any armpit.

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nce you’ve exploded out of your old shirts with muscle, it’s time to work on your glow. Get ready for the summer months with a bundle of tanning sessions at your nearest tanning salon. Within only 12 minutes, the Level 3 provides the deepest, darkest and longest-lasting tan. With your Oompa Loompa skin tone, you can seduce all of the chicks. While tanning, ask for a custom abdominal 8-pack sprayed on your stomach. Believe the master, the new shine will make the ladies crawl to your feet.

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The North Star staff

Time to ban yoga pants

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Sensual clothing obstructs learning process for innocent male students

15-year-old boy is male student excited to learn walking down the about a new mathematical hallway, innocently formula in precalculus. Enter minding his own business Jill, a female showing off her when suddenly his mouth body in yoga pants. Now drops to the floor. The girl instead of taking notes on the he has a crush on is walking formula, Jack is taking note down the 200 of Jill’s Students need to focus intricate hallway in on the curves of math curves the tightest equations, not the yoga pants and will on earth. This curves of the female probably promiscuous fail the pop body. article of clothing quiz that has been cast in the eyes was scheduled for the end of of many as obnoxious and the class. Instead of studying, disruptive to the precious he was staring at dat ass the process of learning. whole time.

This compromise of learning School is filled with girls is the reason why yoga pants distracting innocent men must be eliminated from with their clothing. Anyone school. Students need to could tell that it was because focus on the curves of math of Jill that Jack stopped paying equations, not the curves of attention. It’s not his fault that the female body. he couldn’t keep his eyes off Take Jack for example, a that booty.

To fix this problem, we need to do more than ban yoga pants. One great idea is to implement a uniform for girls at BVN. I understand that girls love clothes that are comfortable, stylish and a little bit sensual, so I found the perfect match at the local Simply Amish store.

Girls will love their stylish dresses, apron and bonnet.

All the other schools will be jealous. As an added bonus, they can use a silver Sharpie and draw pictures of dogs and lululemon logos on their dress to emulate wearing yoga pants. It’ll be like wearing yoga pants, but better.

Ram Sivakumar Sri Lankan

US! O L DA

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SCA

A student inappropriately objectifies her body by wearing yoga pants to school. Photo by Austin Fultz.

How to be smart without trying

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Make people think you know everything in three easy steps

igh school is about perception. Since North is an academically rigorous environment, one characteristic almost everyone will judge is your intellectual ability.

You don’t want to come off as too smart. If you do, you might wander into the realm of “try-hard”, that kid everyone hates because he won’t let deserving classmates copy homework answers. No, the key here is an easy intelligence, the kind that says, “I’m better than you are.” Sound like an unattainable goal? We’ve got you covered.

1

(study, that is) When the world’s not looking, be an above-average student. Make notecards. Do the homework. And then, when someone asks you if you’re ready for the test sixth hour, stare at them

blankly. Exclaim: “We have a test sixth hour?” Now coolly cash in your secret studying for a 92 percent. It’ll make them squirm every time.

2

Be a political cynic

The best way to convince people you follow politics is to become a cynic. Are your Republican friends ranting about Obamacare? Sigh and shake your head sadly, murmuring something about “those corrupt politicians.”

Are your Democratic friends railing against Republicans’ gun control recalcitrance? Do the exact same thing. That’s all it takes to pass most people’s litmus test of political acumen. Now drop a reference to some obscure world news event (“Did you SEE what Kim Jong Un was wearing today?”) and you’re golden.

3

Become a fan of Nietzsche Essential for any budding

Editors’ Note: All advertisements featured in this issue are legitimate and not a part of our satirical format.

pseudo-intellectual is a book by Friedrich Nietzsche. For those who are unenlightened, Nietzsche was a philosopher who said things that make no sense. (Case in point: “When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you.”) His work is prime material for convincing people that you’re a deep thinker. You don’t actually have to read it. Just invest in a nice, hardcover copy of one of his books and stare at it. When people ask what you’re reading, raise your eyebrows. “What, you haven’t read your Nietzsche? Ah, well, I guess I shouldn’t have expected you to.”

Follow these steps and you’ll master the art of making people think you’re smarter than you actually are. Now that’s a skill you’ll use for a lifetime.

Jessi Glueck Harvard Bound

Editors Sarah Evans Jessi Glueck Ellie Holcomb News editor Ashley Ruben Sports editor Sydney House Feature editor Hayley Berger Entertainment editor Danny Rosenberg Opinion editor Mallory Bodker Online editor Faryal Jafri Photo editor Lindsay Rucker Photographers Austin Fultz Erica Emert Business manager Erica Emert Staff writers Kiera Bolden Jake Goldman Emily Levinson Ram Sivakumar Rachel Strohkorb Adviser Mindy Gilman

The North Star is the official publication of Blue Valley North High School, an open forum distributed to all students nine times a year. This publication may contain controversial material. Kansas law prohibits the suppression of a student publication solely because it may contain controversial matter. Blue Valley Unified School District No. 229 and its board members, officers and employees may disclaim any responsibility for the content of this publication; it is not an expression of school policy. Student authors and editors are solely responsible for the content of this publication.

Letters to the editors are encouraged from students and non-students alike and should be less than 300 words. All letters must be signed and turned into room 411 at least one week prior to publication. All letters require a signature. Names will be published.

The North Star reserves the right to edit with regard to libel, without changing the substance of the letter. The North Star will not publish obscene or libelous material. Material will be posted online at bvnnews. com

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Do college apps right

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As the frantic prep begins for juniors, some advice from one who’s been there

ollege decisions are in. Seniors are mentally checked out and wondering how they could possibly have wasted all these hours of valuable social networking time on applications. Juniors are starting to get a little antsy as the Great Monster of College Fate turns its eyes stealthily toward the class of 2014 and whispers: “You’re next.”

Here’s a little advice to you underclassmen. Don’t turn to your parents or counselors for help. Those old fogeys don’t know what they’re talking about.

Instead, try these tips to make your college application process an exciting and fulfilling experience.

Jessi Glueck Harvard-Bound

Junior Morgan Zaslavsky demonstrates how to make the interview fun. Following the guidelines outlined will surely win her the attention of any admissions director.

Photo by Lindsay Rucker.

Don’t study for standardized tests.

Every college’s web site will tell you that standardized tests aren’t the only things it takes into consideration, and that your individuality and creativity matter much more. Why not take schools at their word? You can’t develop your individuality and creativity if you spend your weekends on ACT prep.

Instead, view the tests as opportunities to terrify the competition. Invest in at least three prep books per test to up the intimidation factor, pull them out in public places, and watch your rivals melt away.

Be laid-back about deadlines.

When people start getting on your back about turning things in on time, tell them to chill out. If a college is going to reject you just because you mailed some silly forms one day late, then that’s probably not the place for you anyway. You have more important things to do than write application essays—like, for example, tweeting several dozen times about how you’re writing application essays. If the whole world doesn’t know how hard you’re working, what’s the point?

Make the interview fun.

This part is all about being memorable. Under no circumstances should you dress conservatively. The interview, as any admissions officer will tell you, is a forum to showcase “the real you.” The real you almost certainly doesn’t live in pencil skirts or collared shirts. Perhaps it lives in sweatpants, baggy T-shirts and an unshaven chin. Maybe the real you effervesces out of seven or eight body piercings.

No one’s going to listen to a bore in a suit, and if you dress well, your interviewer will know you’re cool before you open your mouth. But in the event that you are asked to say something, remember to be honest. Is this your safety school? Make that very clear; the interviewer will appreciate your confidence and straightforwardness.

From the classroom to the kitchen

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Why the future mothers of America shouldn’t pursue college

t’s time to take a serious look at the War on Women. No, not the political “War on Women” waged over birth control and assault protection by the crackpot neoliberal media. Let’s talk about the real instance of discrimination toward females that is pervading our nation expecting us to go to college.

As female enrollment in postsecondary education has risen over the past few decades, the distraction of women from their domestic lives and responsibilities to be homemakers has had a disastrous effect on American family life.

Women who should be responsible mothers with a duty to breed and care for children are too busy burying their heads in books and reading the news to properly care for their children, leaving them susceptible to

dangerous influences.

Fortunately, there is still time to reverse the oppressive notion that both genders have an equal right to

Today’s young women are being encouraged get their Mrs. Degree as many did in the good old days.

Photo from Wikimedia Commons.

pursue education. That’s the kind of dangerous logic that led to women gaining the right to vote in 1919.

Luckily, by further objectifying these young women while they are still in high school, men can teach them to rightfully know their place in society.

I understand that there are circumstances in which women don’t have the strength or wherewithal not to go to college.

If your parents are forcing you into education so you can have potentially marketable career skills, it’s not too late. First, don’t pay attention in class. In a few years, your mind will need to be filled with recipes and home cleaning tips, and cramming it with math formulas and history facts will hurt your progress. Next, don’t be afraid to

leap into the dating scene and secure a husband. Once you market yourself as a prospective wife and meet a man who can provide for you and your future eight children, you will have secured your “Mrs. Degree.” No harm done!

Though some may deny it, it’s an age-old fact that a woman’s place is in the home. Young women won’t learn how to remove stains from fabric with a Bachelor of Science.

They won’t be taught how to breastfeed at a four-year university.

Instead of forcing unnecessary social norms of “education” and “cultural and historical understanding” on America’s women, it’s far past time to give them the freedom to be domestic slaves.

Sarah Evans THE Editor

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