6 Strategies to Teach Kids to Manage Conflict

FRANK SCHOFIELD superintendent, Logan City School District

DIFFERENCES OF OPINION are a natural result of living, working, and socially interacting with other people. Whether we are discussing the steps for making a peanut butter sandwich, the relative merits of Star Wars vs. Star Trek, or whether wearing face masks in public is appropriate, we all regularly interact with people with whom we have differences of opinion.

The inability to successfully manage differences of opinion can lead to increased stress, damaged personal relationships, and even decreased accomplishment in school and the workplace. On the other hand, understanding how to successfully navigate differences of opinion is a skill that can improve our personal well-being throughout our lives. As children develop these skills early in their life, they acquire tools for strengthening relationships that will help them in their own homes and with the friendships they develop in the community.

Michigan State University Extension (canr.msu.edu/outreach/) publishes a number of resources that can be used to help children develop these skills. Included in these resources are descriptions of six specific actions caregivers can take to teach, practice, and reinforce these skills with children. They include:

Teach skills for perspective taking Perspective taking (taking the time to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and see what the world looks like from where they are standing) is a crucial skill for positive interactions with others when you are disagreeing. When we understand the importance of perspective taking, we can engage with others to better understand their views. To develop this skill, caregivers can teach children to ask questions, gather information, and really try to understand someone else’s side.

Practice active listening Active listening happens when we pay attention to another person, show we are listening, provide feedback, defer judgment, and respond appropriately. This is a process that takes time to learn and practice. Sometimes our first instinct is to respond or react to someone else’s idea immediately, but when we slow down and take the time that it requires, active listening can help us deal with conflict.

Walk the walk Sometimes adults adopt a “do what I say, not what I do” attitude with their children, but we know children will ultimately do what adults do because they learn from watching them. Children need to see adults disagree respectfully in order to value that skill and also learn how to do it. Adults can model this skill by showing respect when disagreeing with someone’s opinion, including in their own home, and take the time to gain the other person’s respect.

Give skills to handle strong emotions Sometimes when we disagree, we have a strong emotional reaction. If we can’t control that reaction, we might resort to yelling, cursing, or even calling names. These behaviors put an end to any productive conversation. Adults can give children language, skills, and strategies to identify and express emotions so they can react calmly and respectfully. This might mean they need to take a few minutes to calm themselves down before they engage in a conversation, and children should learn that’s an appropriate step to take.

Adopt a both/and mentality Just because people have different opinions, doesn’t necessarily mean someone is wrong. Many situations do not have just one right answer, so try changing an “either/or” attitude to a “both/ and” one. Instead of, “You’re wrong, that movie was really funny and I loved it!” Adults can teach children to say, “I really loved the movie, it seems like you didn’t think it was funny. I would be interested to hear more about your opinion.”

Practice good, nonverbal communication When someone’s words do not match their nonverbal cues like body language, voice, tone, and facial expressions, we are sent two different messages. For instance, if someone says they are very excited to be at a party, but they are frowning, crossing their arms, and looking at their watch when they say it, we typically question if their words are true. When we are engaging in a respectful discourse, it’s important that our nonverbal cues match our words, which we can do by understanding nonverbal communication.

Adults can show the difference between simple disagreeing and harmful or critical interactions with others when they ensure each person feels like they are being heard and respected. This includes avoiding yelling, name calling, and hurtful language.

Conflict and disagreement are part of all human relationships and many day-to-day interactions. Learning to manage those disagreements respectfully and appropriately contributes to our personal happiness as well as the health of the environment we live, work, learn, and play in. As caregivers help children learn to manage disagreement appropriately, children will be better prepared to manage those disagreements when they arise.