Breaking the Silence on Depression by YouthWire

#FeelBetter

BREAKING

SILENCE Pierce College Students on Depression

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n the spring and summer of 2015, the Pierce College Media Arts Department and the Pierce Health Center partnered with New America Media on a storytelling project to break silence around depression among students in college. A cohort of students led by Kitty Rodriguez and Richie Zamora of The Bull Magazine conducted a survey of 200 of their peers on depression, stigma, and mental health treatment, and then produced a series of stories about Pierce students dealing with depression in their own lives or in the lives of their friends and families. This journal is a collection of those stories. New America Media extends special thanks to the California Health Care Foundation for supporting our community college initiative on youth depression. NAM receives additional support for expanding ethnic and youth media coverage of mental health issues from The California Endowment, The California Wellness Foundation, The Orchard House Foundation, The Parnassus Fund, The Arthur Rock Foundation, The Wallace A Gerbode Foundation and The Zellerbach Family Fund. NAM also wishes to thank Professor Jill Connelly and Beth Benne for their advice and encouragement and the entire Pierce Community College for welcoming us to this vibrant campus. You have enabled us to develop what we hope will be a model for breaking silence about depression at other colleges. We also want to recognize the support of Patrick Gardner of Young Minds Advocacy, Nancy Shea of Mental Health Advocacy Services and Dr. Andrea Letamendi of Hathaway-Sycamores in organizing our Oct. 21, 2015 forum at Pierce. Julian Do Project Director Allen Meyer Creative Director Professor Jill Connelly Chair, Media Arts Department - Pierce College Beth Benne, RN, PHN, MA Director, Student Health Center - Pierce College Dr. Niaz Khani, PsyD Clinical Psychologist, Student Heath Center - Pierce College New America Media, aka Pacific News Service, is a 45-year old nonprofit news, communication and youth development agency dedicated to promoting participatory democracy in a diverse America. For more information about the #FeelBetter depression awareness campaign contact: Anna Challet: achallet@newamericamedia.org To reach NAM call 415.503.4170

Pierce College Student Health Center All registered students, regardless of insurance, are eligible for the same no-charge or low-cost care. Location: Student Services Building, 2nd Floor Phone: 818-710-4270 Hours of Operation Fall and Spring Semesters: Monday through Thursday 8:30am to 7pm Friday 8:30am to 4pm Appointments are recommended to see all providers and required to see the psychologist. Walk-ins will be seen as the providers’ schedules permit.

Counseling Personal mental health counseling is available to all currently enrolled students. Dr. Niaz Khani, Psy.D. is the licensed clinical psychologist (along with two postdoctoral therapists, Carrie Verge, Psy.D. and Sheena Sachdev, Psy.D.). For an appointment, please come by the Health Center to complete our intake forms before we schedule your initial appointment. Feel free to call 818-710-4270 with any questions.

IF YOU NEED HELP RIGHT NOW If you are in immediate danger, call 911. If you feel you are in a crisis and need to speak with someone now and you live in the United States, call: Youth helpline Your Life Your Voice at 1-800-448-3000, run by Boys Town National Hotline (for everyone). National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Lifeline is a free, confidential, 24-hour hotline for anyone who is going through emotional distress or is in suicidal crisis. You can also text the Crisis Text Line: Text “START” to 741-741 to begin texting with a crisis counselor. It is free, confidential, and available 24 hours a day.

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“It’s a Sickness, Not a Phase”: Students Share their Experiences with Depression By Sarita Hiatt

“E

very day you feel like a failure and like everything is always going wrong,” writes a 17-year-old female student at Pierce Community College in Southern California. “It’s like a domino effect of your life falling apart and you feel very helpless.”

“[It’s] like your own mind doesn’t want you to live,” said another 17-year-old. A survey of 200 students between the ages of 16 and 30 at Pierce showed that about half of them were depressed or had experienced depression at some point in their lives. Ninety percent of the students who reported depression believe that it can be treated, but only half of them have sought treatment. “[Seeking help] could be embarrassing,” a 17-year-old male wrote in the survey. “Asking for help is a form of weakness.” He had sought treatment in the past for depression, but no longer believes that it can be treated. Most of the students surveyed believed that the death of a loved one, a painful breakup, or low self-esteem can cause depression. “I felt it when someone close to me passed away,” said a 21-year-old male student. “Like we live in this world only to die at the end. Every time I disappoint anyone, especially my parents, I feel depressed. Like I have an appetite for failure.” Only one-third of the students who had experienced depression feel that it’s a safe topic to discuss with family and friends. Some responded that while talking to teachers and peers can be helpful, dismissive or angry reactions from family are uniquely painful. “The people closest to me don’t and will never believe in me,” wrote a 22-year-old male. “Those closest to me are the cause of my depression.” “I especially hate it when people just say to get over it because I’m choosing to be depressed rather than happy,” a 20-year-old student said. “Why would I ever choose to live like this?” Although she says that she has suffered from it for years, her discomfort with talking to anyone about her depression has stopped her from seeking treatment. Many students said that they resent being told to “get over it,” or that their depression is “all in [their] head.” “It’s a sickness, not a phase,” said one 18-year-old male. Embarrassment, shame, and denial were the most commonly cited barriers to seeking treatment. The survey didn’t show any significant connection between a person’s gender or ethnicity and their willingness to ask for help, although some men were reluctant because of the pressure to appear strong and unfeeling. One 19-year-old blamed “the masculine culture of just ignoring your own emotions and the fact that people do not care for the emotions of men” for his own initial resistance 4

before he finally sought treatment. Most of the students felt that more public discussions of depression would ease stigma and inform people about the resources available to them. For example, the cost of getting treatment can be prohibitive since therapy bills and other mental health expenses are often paid out of pocket. Less than half of the students surveyed were aware that Pierce offers free counseling on campus. “Clinical depression is like a black hole,” said a 19-year-old female student, who says that she still suffers. “Learning coping skills through therapy helped me get where I am now.”

Get Covered If you are fighting depression, you have options. One way to get help is by first getting health coverage. Depending on your income and some other eligibility factors, you may qualify for Medi-Cal, California’s health coverage program for low-income individuals (as well as pregnant women, foster youth and former foster youth, and others). Medi-Cal now covers mental health services, including depression. Once you have coverage, you have more options for mental health treatment, including counseling and medication.

You can enroll in person by visiting: Your local County Social Services Office. County social services offices can help you apply for Medi-Cal and other valuable programs for which you may be eligible. Find your local office at www.dhcs.ca.gov/services/medi-cal/pages/countyoffices. aspx Your local community health center. Health centers are an important resource for both enrolling in health coverage and getting care. Find the center nearest to you by visiting www.californiahealthplus.com/ and click on “Find My Health+ Center”. Certified Enrollment Counselors. Organizations in your community have trained certified counselors to help you with enrolling. To find a certified enrollment counselor near you, visit www.coveredca.com/enrollment-assistance/

You can enroll online by visiting: www.CoveredCA.com www.benefitscal.org to enroll into Medi-Cal, as well as learn if you are eligible for other programs like CalFresh (food assistance) and CalWORKs (cash assistance)

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Many Pierce Students Unaware of Free Counseling on Campus By Vanessa Arredondo, Photo Illustration by David Paz

he availability of mental health care at Pierce is not meant to be a secret. But nearly 60 percent of students in a recent informal survey said they didn’t know that the campus health center offers free mental health counseling along with its other medical services.

“It is amazing to me that we can do this,” says health center director Beth Benne. “To think that we can provide free mental health care, [along with] free doctor and nurse practitioner services, blows me away.” Mental health services are supervised by licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Niaz Khani. Two post-doctoral interns earn hours towards their licensure by seeing students for mental health issues. Students are offered six therapy sessions per semester; each session is 45 minutes long and is scheduled every two to three weeks. 6

Dr. Khani says that about a third of the students who visited the health center over the past year were seeking mental health services. According to Khani, students commonly come looking for a therapist to deal with relationship, self-esteem, panic, stress, and anxiety issues, as well as depression. “Each patient is different and will have their own treatment plan, which will be established by the therapist and the patient,” she says. “Some students just need a safe environment with a listening ear to help them through stressful events,” she says, adding that seeking help can lead to other life improvements. “They open up more and find other goals to work on in therapy.” Depression can cause physical symptoms in addition to the mental anguish. These physical symptoms can affect a person’s ability to sleep, concentrate, eat properly, and participate in everyday activities. “When bodily functions are not balanced, the student’s academic and other performances are highly affected,” Khani says. “They may not be able to study, attend class, or perform well on exams.” The health center also employs general doctors and nurse practitioners. Because they are not specialists, they will refer students to an outside clinic or doctor to treat ailments that are outside the scope of what they can provide. “We are not a substitute for a doctor’s office, but it’s convenient for the students to be seen here just because we are so accessible,” says Kira Shteyman, one of the nurse practitioners. “If a patient needs more than what we can do here, we definitely let them know and refer them.” Benne credits the post-doctoral internship program to a significant improvement in the hours of available mental health care for students. Before the internship program was implemented, the health center could only offer a total of 28 hours a week of individual therapy; with the internship program in place, the number of hours has doubled. “[Once we started the intern program] students didn’t have to wait. We didn’t have to turn them away,” Benne says. “Before, we had a waiting list for mental health care by the third week every semester.” Students are referred to outside mental health professionals if they need more attention than the health center can provide. Additionally, the Pierce Health Center does not prescribe students medication for mental health treatment because they don’t have oncall doctors who are available to students all day, every day. “To prescribe someone medication when you are not always available to them would be a big problem,” Benne says. “We have to know our limits.” But, Dr. Khani says, many students just need someone to talk to, and that’s something the health center can provide. “We try to tell students that it’s okay to talk to someone,” she says. “It’s okay if you have problems and can’t handle them on your own.” Benne acknowledges that a lot of students are not aware of the free services offered, and wants to get the word out. “We’re the best deal in town,” she says. FeelBetterCA.org

President of Gay-Straight Alliance Speaks Out on Mental Illness By Richie Zamora, Photos by David Paz

ameron Brenner has been dealing with depression for most of his life. Now 21, Brenner is the president of the Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA) at Pierce and is majoring in theatrical costuming. But the road to where he is today has been long and rocky.

“When I was a child they knew there was something off with my behavior but they weren’t sure what it was,” he says. “They didn’t want to label it.” Severe mood swings, he says, were the first indication that something was wrong. “I would get incredibly depressed and then incredibly happy or manic or violent, and they weren’t sure how to deal with it,” he says. “I was about seven when they started introducing medication.” First he was prescribed medication for ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and then eventually Tegretol, a medication for mood stabilization. The medication got rid of his mood swings, Brenner says, but left him with an even and steady depression. His depression worsened with being bullied. “In middle school I had problems because I was bullied really badly,” he says. “I didn’t want to come out at the time because it wasn’t a safe place for me … The harassment got to unbearably bad levels, which did not help my depression.” Eventually he brought his classmates’ actions to the attention of the school administration, which he says took the situation seriously and dealt with it, but the experience took a toll on him. Around the time he entered high school, his medication became ineffective. “Suddenly the pills stopped working entirely,” he says. “I would have such radical, violent switches from happiness to anger, to aggression, to depression. I couldn’t turn to anyone at home because I was having issues with my father. He and I now get along great but we’d clash to the point that we’d fight each other physically or verbally.” Brenner’s depression peaked at the age of 16 when he attempted suicide by hanging. “I tied the bedsheets wrong, and it didn’t do anything but make my neck very red. I went to an institutional ward for two weeks, which [helped],” Brenner said. “[The attempt] was stupid and I was glad it failed.” He was ultimately diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, a condition that includes aspects of both schizophrenia and mood disorders like depression. “You hear, you taste, you see things that don’t physically exist in the world, and that was doubled with my depression. So I’d be manic or incredibly depressed and a hallucination would appear,” Brenner says. “My depression was constantly [present]. I had a lot of auditory hallucinations, which caused me a lot of problems because I became paranoid.” FeelBetterCA.org

“It was personalities more than voices,” he continues. “Everyone is betraying you. This person’s a liar or they’re out to get you … [But] I have been medicated for it and it’s been working very well.” He feels more in control of himself, he says, and describes his relationship with his parents as much better. But it hasn’t been easy getting to that point. In Brenner’s experience, there are a lot of people who see depression as simply being in a bad mood. They don’t realize that depression is a diagnosable and treatable condition. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, mood disorders like depression are the third most common reason for hospitalization among youth and adults between the ages of 18 and 44. “From what I’ve seen, [a lot of people] view depression as ‘Oh that person is just moody,’ or ‘They’re just trying to get attention,’” says Brenner. Brenner keeps himself busy with his academic and GSA responsibilities on campus, but he also feels that flexing his creative muscles in writing and drawing helps with his depression. The act of creating gives him a feeling of control. And just being able to talk with someone without worrying about embarrassment or being judged can go a long way to help, he says. But Brenner feels that people who need help often don’t seek it out because they fear being labeled, and then being perceived as damaged or dangerous. “I think our culture has advanced to where people are a little more willing to talk to a therapist, but [there are still situations] where people who need treatment are refusing treatment because they think it’s going to condemn them in some way,” he says. Support groups made up of individuals dealing with similar situations have been helpful, says Brenner. For him, talking with peers has been easier and less intimidating than one-on-one sessions with a therapist. “I think support groups work. I’ve been to a couple and you know you’re not the only one suffering with these problems. There are other people that are with you,” Brenner says. “I think talking peer to peer can be very helpful and having a mediator there is [good] because it allows some professional insight as well. It’s important that the mediator has also been in that [particular] community because they can speak from a professional perspective and as well as an insider perspective.” He also feels fortunate to have the support of his family. “I have friends where that’s not been the case. Their [parents] scream and yell at them, ‘How are you gay? What did I do to deserve this?’ It’s this mixed-up idea of what being gay is.” Richie Zamora Managing Editor Richie Zamora is a Los Angeles-based freelance writer and Journalism major. He is interested in reporting on the worlds of art, comics, film, literature, baseball, technology and video games. He is also working on a collection of short stories.

After the Breakup By Manuel Rios

reakups are common in college, but for Isaac Montoya, a 25-yearold Pierce College student, the end of a relationship was the beginning of a struggle with depression.

While in high school, a young woman he was dating broke up with him abruptly. “She admitted to me that she was using me to get back at her ex,” says Montoya. He was fine at first, but having to see her every day at school began to take a toll. He couldn’t stop thinking about her and his sadness over the breakup wouldn’t go away; he’d head straight home after school every day and isolate himself in his room. “I lost interest [in everything else] because I was so focused on why she broke up with me and why she hurt me,” he says. At least 20 percent of American teenagers experience depression before they reach the age of 18, but 80 percent of those who suffer from mental disorders don’t seek treatment, according to a 2010 study by the RAND Corporation. The signs are often ignored as many parents are unaware of what depression looks like. Many teenagers and young adults are unable to fully communicate how they feel, and their symptoms may be passed off as part of growing up. Montoya went to his father and asked, “Why do I feel so depressed?” Montoya says his father responded by saying that he was simply “going through changes,” and that what he was feeling was just part of being a teenager. When he was 19, another girlfriend broke up with Montoya. “I was angry, I was frustrated, and I was hurt,” Montoya says. “It was like plants, just growing, increasing every day. The depression got worse and worse and it didn’t go away.” His second bout with depression lasted six months. Once again, he completely lost interest in everyday activities. He didn’t want to eat or be around his friends. Montoya’s mother told him it was time to move on. “She told me, ‘You can’t obsess over it. If you obsess over it you are just going to go crazy and it‘s going to get worse,’” Montoya says. When he was 23, he reconnected with the woman he’d been seeing when he was 19. After they’d been going out for a little while, she told Montoya that she was also casually seeing another man. He once again fell into a depression, and told family and friends that he was thinking about killing himself. He once again turned to his mother, who took a “tough love” approach. “It got to the point where she said, ‘You need to stop. You took your time to grieve but now it’s time to move on,’” Montoya says. “She said, ‘If you keep digging into this you are probably going to end up homeless or somewhere else on your own where you don’t want to be.’” Battling depression over a span of eight years has given Montoya a new outlook. “Talk to people, walk places and don’t be in the house all the time,” Montoya says. “Be Continued on page 27 FeelBetterCA.org

Coping with Depression After Being Bullied By Stacey Arevalo, Photo by David Paz

ritney Michelle Perkins remembers when the bullying started in second grade. A boy in her class started mocking her because she was overweight. “I liked him so much. He was my crush,” she says. Once he threw a ball at her because he thought it would bounce off her body due to her size. Then he laughed about it with his friends. “That made me hate him and not talk to him anymore. I hoped he would die because I was so mad,” she says. The boy’s bullying only intensified in middle school. “He would tease me in class, outside class, when I was going to the bathroom, when I was going home. He would insult me all the time, “ Perkins says.

“I would just come home so mad. I didn’t understand why people were treating me this way, I thought I was such a nice person.”

“I would hear, ‘Oh you’re fat,’ ‘Nobody wants you,’ ‘I wouldn’t date you,’ ‘You’re the last person on Earth that I would ever want,’” she says. “Those comments really got to me.” So she began fighting back. “I started beating people up. If someone had a problem with the way I looked I didn’t care about hurting them,” she says. She also started bullying others. “I thought, ‘Okay, if people can hurt my feelings, I can hurt anyone else’s,” she says. “I decided that I was going to be rude to them before they could be rude to me.” At the time she was being bullied, Perkins did not seek help at school. It wouldn’t have made a difference. “The school would not have done anything more than tell them to stop or call their parents,” she says. “Meanwhile, everyone told me I was going to be fine and that I was going to get over it,” But things got worse. “I would just come home so mad. I didn’t understand why people were treating me this way,” she says. “I thought I was such a nice person.” Over time, she fell into a depression. She began pulling out her hair and isolating herself from friends and family. 12

“I would sleep all day so that I wouldn’t have to experience all the pain I was feeling,” Perkins says. “If I’d been dying, I wouldn’t have screamed for help because I thought I deserved to die.” At home, she didn’t share her experiences because her father, whom she calls her best friend, was also struggling with depression. “He felt as though he was failing me as a daughter, and I did not want to add more pressure,” she says. Even though Britney did not seek help with her father, she did follow her mother’s advice to seek comfort in prayer during difficult situations. “Before I started praying I would feel hopeless, like nothing could save me,” she says. “After I started praying, I did not feel quite free [from the hopelessness], but I did feel like I could move on past that point,” she says. When she started high school, the change in atmosphere helped but her depression continued. “I had been angry for so long that I didn’t know how to be happy again,” she says. “I’d spent so long hating myself. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror.” Throughout the years that Britney dealt with her depression, she refused to seek professional help because she did not think therapy would help her overcome her issues. “I didn’t want to confide in someone that was getting paid to listen to something I thought was so serious,” she says. “I did not want anyone to think I was crazy and prescribe me medications I did not need.” She says she’s gained strength over the years, but she still doesn’t let her guard down with others. “In college, I’ve tried to keep to myself and not make new friends,” she says. “The people I talk to are people I’ve known since ninth grade who helped me through everything.” She credits her core group of friends with cheering her up and helping her get through her bad days. “They can make me laugh even when tears are rolling down my face,” she says. “They’re always making jokes and then I’m good again.” These days Britney still copes with depression by staying guarded. “I keep to myself so that no one knows anything about me, so they can’t bother me,” she says. She is also shifting her focus towards her future. She is planning on moving to New York and wants to pursue a career in acting. “I just want to go to the city that never sleeps,” she says. “I want a new start.” Stacey Arevalo Staff Writer I am a bilingual journalist (Spanish/English) pursuing a B.A. in Journalism and Central American Studies with a minor in Spanish Language Journalism from California State University Northridge. Throughout my studies, I have gained experience in print and web journalism working for The Roundup News as well as KHTS 1220AM in Santa Clarita. I also have vast knowledge of many social media platforms such as Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Flickr, Snapchat and Vine. FeelBetterCA.org

Could I Have Helped My Brother? By Cathy Albrigo as told to Kitty Rodriguez, Photo by Nicolas Heredia

y younger brother and I weren’t very close until the last few months of his life, when he was struggling and I tried to be there for him. He was 18 when he committed suicide. I could never imagine how difficult it would be to lose someone I loved so much — the struggling to move on as time passed. After he died, I found myself in a deep depression that lasted for about six months. It was the most difficult time in my life. I couldn’t sleep. When I did sleep, I’d wake up crying. It was exhausting. I had never felt this way before. It seemed unreal that I would never see him again — that this happy kid was gone. Sometimes I hoped it was a bad dream that I would wake up from. But it wasn’t. I was in a grief support group for a year and went to therapy sessions. Grief support did help me realize that every single part of my pain, emotional and physical, was completely normal. Knowing that others went through the same experiences was very reassuring. I talked to members of the group outside of our sessions, so it was nice to have that community to turn to whenever I was caught in a wave of extreme sadness. As time passed I began to feel that I didn’t have a choice -- I just had to get it together. Before my brother died, my life had no direction. I didn’t know what I wanted to be. I was just taking my general education classes in hopes I’d find my way. His death ultimately gave me a sense of purpose and a new identity. People who haven’t lost a sibling don’t understand how much the death changes your concept of yourself. Everything you thought your life was going to be is forever changed. For one thing, I knew my parents were counting on me and suddenly I felt this enormous responsibility to succeed and make them proud. I grew up in the San Fernando Valley and I’m currently attending Cal State Northridge. I’m majoring in psychology and plan to have a career in the mental health field. On campus, I’ve gotten involved in a peer education program that’s part of a suicide prevention organization called the Blues Project. My work through the program allows me to help people who are dealing with depression and addiction. This has really helped me cope with my loss, as well as the feeling that I could have done something more to save my brother. This work is one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done in my life. My parents and I speak openly about my brother almost every day. I’m so much more appreciative of the people around me now. I no longer take things for granted. I always imagined growing old with my little brother and I never thought I’d lose him. Before my brother passed away, I viewed people who were depressed and suicidal continued on page 22 14

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Isolation Is the Worst Treatment for Depression By Vanessa Arredondo, Photo by Andrea Delgado

ike a lot of college freshmen, Andrea Delgado is worried about starting school. But while some students become stressed over the prospect of leaving home or taking on a heavy workload, one of Delgado’s main concerns is that she’ll have to navigate her depression alone. “I think college is going to be like a roller coaster,” she says. “I just started school and I worry that I need to make friends and I need to hang out with people … No one cares if you’re alone or not. It’s not like high school.” In Delgado’s case, loneliness is made worse by her long struggle with depression and mental illness. There’s a history of mental illness in her family, she says, but she was still blindsided when she was diagnosed with depression. “I was shocked. I didn’t know what depression was,” she says. “I thought I just felt sad. But [I learned] there is a big difference between depression and sadness. Depression is deeper and more prolonged.”

“I isolate myself because I feel insecure and I don’t want to push my depression onto other people”

She was overwhelmed by problems at home and she began cutting herself. She also had episodes of psychosis, she says -- there were voices in her head telling her to hurt herself by doing things like banging her head against a wall. “Back then, I thought self-harm was the easiest way to get rid of my pain. I would listen to the voices when I was at my lowest points, when nobody was there to protect me or support me and I was home alone and I didn’t know what to do with myself,” she says. During her final year in high school, Delgado says she was enrolled in an educational program for emotionally disturbed individuals on the recommendation of her therapist. The program had fewer than 10 students. She was able to graduate and is now at Pierce. Now that she’s in college, she’s having trouble adjusting to a bigger and more crowded campus with larger classes than what she’s used to. When social interactions become too overwhelming, she says, she tends to keep to herself. “[Sometimes] I isolate myself because I feel insecure and I don’t want to push my depression onto other people,” she says. According to Dr. Niaz Khani, Pierce Health Center’s licensed clinical psychologist, 16

social isolation can cause long-term negative health effects. “Social isolation is when people withdraw from the world,” says Khani. “They don’t want to talk to anybody. They don’t want to see anybody. They are pulling away, crawling into a shell and staying there.” “It’s very lonely,” she says. “If someone is feeling a bit depressed and they isolate, it just makes it worse for them.” Delgado says she feels shame over having a hard time connecting with people. “I feel kind of worthless because I don’t have the courage to talk to people,” she says. “I’ve pushed people away and I’ve lost some friendships,” she says. “I’ve felt like I have to apologize for myself.” Khani encourages students who are feeling isolated to reach out to the Pierce Health Center, which offers both individual and group therapy. “We work on students’ self-confidence. We figure out who they are, what they want, and we find hope,” says Khani. “We practice skill-building and teach them how to go out there and meet people.” Group therapy has worked for Delgado in the past. “Group therapy helps people see that they are not alone in the world,” Delgado says. “There are other people dealing with issues similar to mine.” Despite her obstacles, Delgado is hopeful. Though depression does not have many positive aspects, she sees her suffering as a learning experience and as a useful tool for her future. She plans to become either a marriage and family therapist or a psychiatrist. “I understand what [depression] feels like because I’ve been through it,” she says. “I understand how people feel and why they do certain things. I want to help people. I want to give them advice and be there to listen.” She’s still worried about school. She’s not sure she’ll be able to get the grades she wants because of the combined mental toll of depression and academic stress. But ultimately she thinks that her struggle with depression has made her stronger mentally. “It’s made me a warrior of my own battles. It’s made me realize a lot of things about myself,” she says. “Okay, I have depression. But I can support myself. I am my own support group. I can do this. I can make it. You just have to fight back.” Vanessa Arredondo Staff Writer Vanessa Arredondo, 20, has attended Pierce College since 2014 majoring in English and working toward an AA degree in journalism. She plans to transfer to a four-year college, get a BA in English, and go from there.

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Using Cosplay to Get Through Anxiety By Stacey Arevalo Photography by Nicolas Heredia

er heart rate starts rising. Her hands begin to sweat and shake. She paces back and forth. “I feel like something is going to happen to me but nothing is really there,” she says. “[I tell myself,] ‘There is nothing wrong. It’s okay. This is just your body being weird again.’”

This is what an anxiety attack feels like for Karina Perez, a 20-yearold student at Pierce College. She started having the attacks while she was involved in an abusive relationship. She also fell into a depression. The relationship is over, but the anxiety attacks have continued. “During my first year at Pierce I went through an abusive relationship that no one knew about,” Perez says. Her boyfriend, she says, was emotionally abusive, controlling, and unfaithful. The emotional strain made it hard to focus at school. “I was 18 at the time, very young and inexperienced, so it really hit me,” she says. “It was a pain to go to school and try to concentrate when my mind was being blown up by everything else.”

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Even though Perez was determined to succeed in college, her inability to focus led her to drop all her classes during her first semester at Pierce. Then she decided not to take classes the following semester, setting her back a full year. “It was shocking to see my grades so low because I was always used to seeing good grades. When I was younger I graduated with honors,” Perez says. She started losing weight. Her internal struggle wasn’t apparent to the people around her. “People thought I was just taking a year for myself,” she says. Dr. Janina Scarlet, a licensed clinical psychologist at the Center for Stress and Anxiety Management and Sharp Memorial Hospital in San Diego, says there are many popular misconceptions about depression. “Many people think that a person who is depressed is sad all the time, is unable to laugh, is ‘weak’ and/or suicidal. None of these are true of everyone,” Scarlet says. “Many people with depression might not be ‘obviously’ depressed. They might laugh and appear happy while struggling on the inside.” Perez agees. “You can be the most active person in the world and be depressed,” she says. “Look at Robin Williams; he made so many people happy and looked like such a happy person but he was struggling with so much.” “I lost so much weight. I basically lost interest in everything,” Perez says. “I was still trying, but there were days when I didn’t have the will to get out of bed.” Dr. Scarlet says that symptoms of depression include a low or sad mood, as well as difficulty enjoying things one used to enjoy. Individuals may also experience fatigue, trouble eating or sleeping, thoughts about being worthless, thoughts of suicide, and withdrawal from social activities.

Scarlet has herself pioneered a type a therapy she calls “Superhero Therapy,” the goal of which she says is to “help patients become the very kind of hero that they want to be despite any limitations they might face.”

Over time Perez was able to deal with her depression and anxiety in a unique way. “I realized that my life was going nowhere,” she says. “Therapy was alright, but I realized that putting my mind into projects was helping [more]. I would dance, focus on school projects, and then I started cosplay.” In cosplay (“costume play”), people dress up as fictional characters whom they like or admire, says Perez. Cosplayers go to gatherings and conventions and meet with others who have similar interests. “It is a very open and loving community that I fell in love with,” Perez says. Dr. Scarlet says that an activity like cosplay can have an important role in some people’s healing process. “There is research that shows that meaningful social engagement, such as what cosplay 20

provides … can potentially reduce depression and help buffer the individual against depression,” Scarlet says. Scarlet has herself pioneered a type a therapy she calls “Superhero Therapy,” the goal of which she says is to “help patients become the very kind of hero that they want to be despite any limitations they might face.” She incorporates concepts around superheroes and other fictional characters into her therapy practice, which she says can help patients better identify with their own struggles. It’s common for people to relate with fictional characters, she says, and she uses those characters’ vulnerabilities to help her patients realize that everyone experiences them. Due to the positive feedback Perez was receiving on her costumes, she started a Facebook fan page called KPM Cosplay where she posts pictures of the costumes she creates. She has over 4,500 followers and makes appearances at conventions.

“Cosplay [has been] my own form of therapy,” Perez says. “It [has been] nice to bring so much happiness to others. It was unexpected.” Perez’s costumes portray characters she identifies with, both female and male. They’ve included Star-Lord from Guardians of the Galaxy, Khal Drogo from Game of Thrones, Batman, and multiple characters from the X-Men. “The X-Men are made up of people that fight for acceptance so I relate to that,” Perez says. After graduating from Pierce, Perez plans to attend law school. Her dream job would be working on a legal team at SpaceX, the aerospace company founded by Tesla CEO Elon Musk, which manufactures and launches new kinds of rockets and spacecraft. “This company brings a lot of science into reality. I want to be in a place where I can FeelBetterCA.org

merge different parts of my life and be completely happy,” Perez says. Now that Perez has found a way to take control of her anxiety and depression, she encourages people suffering with depression to seek help with friends and family. “Don’t be afraid to accept that there is something wrong going on,” Perez says. “How else is anyone supposed to help you if you don’t say it?” She also recommends that students seek help at Pierce’s student health center, which offers individual therapy sessions. “There will be times when things will be bad,” says Perez. “But you can’t let anxiety or depression stop your life.” At this point, Perez says she’s learned to embrace her anxiety. “If the anxiety went away [completely] I would lose a part of myself,” Perez says. “It is a part of my personality and a part of what pushes me. It is not necessarily a positive thing in my life, but I’ve learned to turn it into one.”

Continued from page 14 as being shameful. I believed they were responsible for their own thoughts and that something must be wrong with them. It’s actually a daily struggle to change that belief. I’ve always very much believed that we have the power to control our thoughts. But I was looking at depression from the wrong perspective. The peer education I’m involved in has taught me to change my lens and really see the different circumstances in other people’s lives. Depression isn’t always controllable for everybody and we need to understand that. John’s death is what has made me feel so passionately about mental health. It’s because of him that I am able to talk about this openly. I personally hope to work in mental illness research someday. There’s so much we don’t know about the brain. I’m fascinated by it now. The hardest part for me has been the feeling of guilt that I could have done more for my brother. I question myself -- could I have helped him? Was he beyond being helped? But it’s my hope that what I’m learning now might enable me to help someone like him in the future. 22

Pierce Students Speak: Cultural Views on Depression and Stigma By Richie Zamora, Photo Illustration by Richie Zamora

epression transcends cultures, but cultural perceptions can change how depression takes its toll on an individual. Depending on a particular culture, you can find anything from different treatments to fundamentally different views on what depression actually is.

Elsa Diaz, 21, is a nursing major who has been attending Pierce for three years. Diagnosed with depression at the age of eight, Diaz had a hard time due to her father’s views on the nature of depression. “My dad would tell me that lazy people are depressed. That depression is only for the lazy, like that was my problem.” The uneasiness some feel about depression can cause them to avoid acknowledging their feelings, or to try to hide them. Tana Antalikova, 23, is from Ostrava in the Czech Republic. Antalikova describes a general sense of embarrassment about talking about one’s depression or seeking out professional help. “A lot of people don’t because they feel embarrassed. They go more inward than outward,” Antalikova says. “Many people feel like if they go to a psychologist or a therapist that they’re crazy or something. They just feel so embarrassed and I don’t think they should.” Nicolas Hermosilla, 21, is in his first semester at Pierce. He moved to the United States a little over a year ago from Chile. “I don’t think that people would see [others] differently [if they were open about their depression],” Hermosilla says. “But I think there is a fear that people will think of them differently.” According to 21-year-old accounting major Tamir Shechter, in his home country of Israel, the term dikaon is generally used to describe “feeling low.” Depression might be considered a severe form of dikaon. “[In Israel] it’s more like society diagnoses you,” Shechter says. “Some people have [dikaon] and you try to cheer them up. Some people need to take medicine if it’s a severe dikaon.” In Israel, he says, close friends won’t hesitate to take it upon themselves to help, but the older generation might be less inclined to get involved. “People my age are more willing to help you, but if you talk to older people, then no,” Shechter says. “It’s like the older you are, the less people care, because they have their own lives and they think that you are adult enough [to handle it on your own].” The views from older adults often come with the perception that there are worse things to be worried about than depression. Having a stressful life can make it difficult to acknowledge emotional conflicts as being important. Continued on page 27 FeelBetterCA.org

I Was Told to “Man Up”: Learning How to Talk About Depression By Jerell Johnson as told to Kitty Rodriguez

aised in a dangerous neighborhood without a lot of positive role models, when I was 18 I took it upon myself to make sure I got out of South Central Los Angeles. Joining the military after graduating from high school seemed like the best and quickest way to leave the stress of my environment. I always knew without a doubt in my mind that I didn’t want to become a stereotype -- dropping out of school at a young age, falling into a gang, or getting a girl pregnant. At some point I just came to a realization that there were two paths I could take in life. One was that I could stay in the community of South Central, stuck with the negative emotions that the neighborhood brought out. Or, I could leave. So that’s what I did. It’s not that I had no positive influences in my life growing up. My grandparents were a huge part of my life, and they impressed upon me the importance of reading and getting an education, while at the same time giving me a place to escape to mentally. They exposed me to different kinds of books and music that made me realize that there was more to life than just my block. They always tried to give me a new book every time they saw me. Books became my biggest distraction. They helped me drift away from what was my everyday life. I remember taking the bus to the Downtown Los Angeles Library as a young kid, commuting an hour to and from just to get away from home. I’d only leave the library when it was closing time. I didn’t feel like I belonged at home or that I could relate to the people that surrounded me in my neighborhood. The answer to everything was to “man up.” South Central was a place where talking about your feelings just wasn’t done. It was joining the military that really opened my eyes to the fact that I was dealing with depression. Talking to other soldiers made me realize that what I was feeling was completely normal. I realized I wasn’t alone. I’d never thought to go to counseling until it was offered to me when I was deployed to Qatar. I figured I needed it, not so much because of what I went through in the military but just in general. I came to feel that my mental health was something to be valued. I couldn’t just let all of the negative emotions in my head take over my life. When I registered myself in the military, I never thought my mother and sister would turn their backs on me for it, or that my girlfriend at the time would have infidelity issues. When I came home I wanted to help my family get out of living in South Central but it turned out they weren’t interested. Coming back home and having to face so many obstacles in my life, I felt that I needed guidance. Going to therapy became my way of getting back into society, instead of turning to alcohol or drugs. 24

I’d never thought to go to counseling until it was offered to me when I was deployed to Qatar. I figured I needed it, not so much because of what I went through in the military but just in general. I came to feel that my mental health was something to be valued. I couldn’t just let all of the negative emotions in my head take over my life. When I registered myself in the military, I never thought my mother and sister would turn their backs on me for it, or that my girlfriend at the time would have infidelity issues. When I came home I wanted to help my family get out of living in South Central but it turned out they weren’t interested. Coming back home and having to face so many obstacles in my life, I felt that I needed guidance. Going to therapy became my way of getting back into society, instead of turning to alcohol or drugs. I was eventually prescribed Zoloft, an antidepressant. It definitely helped me relax and kept me in a happier mood. After awhile I no longer wanted to be dependent on the medication so I decided not to take it anymore. But talking to a counselor has really helped me accept everything that has gone on in my life and given me the tools to move forward.

I didn’t feel like I belonged at home or that I could relate to the people that surrounded me in my neighborhood. The answer to everything was to “man up.” South Central was a place where talking about your feelings just wasn’t done.

I decided to leave the military and go back to school. The books were calling to me again. The Army started to feel like it wasn’t my home anymore; I was using it to get away from who I was, and away from the world I knew. I’ve been a Pierce College student for the past 5 years and now I’m transferring to Cal State Los Angeles and I’m pre-law. There’s a reason why some people have to work so hard and why they take so long. There’s a battle you have to fight internally. You have to overcome yourself in order to get to where you’re going. I’ve tried to get my family out of South Central ever since I left. It’s tough to think about them; they’re in the grip of a certain kind of environment and I can’t get them out of it. So I’m doing what I can to just show them there’s another path. Kitty N. Rodriguez Editor Kitty N. Rodriguez is currently a freelance writer and journalism major located in the Los Angeles area. She enjoys writing about human interest stories that allow her the opportunity to explore the different worlds within our ever evolving world. She is currently working towards writing and producing small documentary stories on social issues in the United States.

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Looking for Answers About Depression, and Finding Faith By Sergei Cuba

s a high school student, Kevin Hetrick didn’t eat much. He didn’t shower regularly. He barely slept trying to get his homework done. Growing up, his home life was tumultuous, he says. He sunk himself into academics, taking honors classes and participating in as many extracurricular activities as he could, always seeking perfection. “Whenever I didn’t succeed, or I wasn’t the greatest, whenever I wasn’t the best, I felt an abnormal sense of disappointment that wasn’t brought on by anyone,” says Hetrick, now 24 years old. “It was brought on by me.” Eventually he cracked, he says. By the time he graduated and went on to college, he had already survived two suicide attempts and had been institutionalized. In college, his depression took a turn that disturbed him — he became addicted to pornography. “My addiction drove me deeper into depression,” he says. “My character defects and bad habits caused me to just snap. I had a nervous breakdown.” He began looking for help. In an effort to end his addiction, Hetrick began reading the Bible and attending a 12-step program during his second year of college. The program helped with his pornography addiction, but his depression continued. He planned to commit suicide by overdosing on his medication. “I hated my pain, my failure and my life,” Hetrick says. “After fixating on the thought of suicide, my funeral, people crying, people regretful and missing me, I finally had a moment of enough clarity to call 9-1-1.” He called the police for himself and was put on a 72-hour suicide watch. After being released, he never went back to school. It was at that “low point,” he says, that he turned to faith for answers. “I studied with Mormons for weeks. I studied with Jehovah’s Witnesses for months. I researched the Quran,” he says. “I studied with Catholics. I studied the Bible with multiple people.” “I had been so alone, emotionally and physically, that I just wanted to be around people,” he says. He eventually found his place in a Christian community. “I found that when I had bad habits I couldn’t just break them. I had to replace them with good habits and that takes practice.” He’s slowly recovering, he says, and he credits God and his church. His parents were surprised to hear that he had turned to a church. He says it was the first time that any of his relatives had approved of what he was doing. That encouragement went a long way, and he grew closer to his brother and the rest of his family. Hetrick is now back at school, attending Pierce College and majoring in mathematics 26

and debate. He wants to write a book and become a leader in his church. Through the church, he hopes to be able to reach out to others who need help. “Those that are depressed want community. They need it,” he says. “Finding a group of friends, a church, a 12-step program and surrounding yourself with community [has worked for me]. Be open with that community, open about how you feel and how they can help you when you’re depressed.” Sergei Cuba Staff Writer I am currently a student at Pierce College majoring in journalism and planning to minor in political science. I would love nothing more than to converse and write stories about the human condition of those I come to know. My God challenges me to inspire love and provoke thought in all that I write. Challenge accepted.

Continued from page 23 Diaz recalls her father’s way of comparing her depression to his own past hardships. “He would tell me, ‘If you knew what it’s like to be hungry, or if you saw your mom crying because she didn’t even have tortillas to eat, then you wouldn’t have time to be depressed,’” she says. “He would tell me if you’ve never gone through anything like that, then you don’t know what it’s like to really suffer.” Diaz has seen a therapist in the past, and she says the experience was helpful to her. “I needed to tell people how I actually felt, because I used to be a people pleaser,” she says. “My therapist would tell me that if something is hurting your feelings, you need to tell that person, and you have to stand up for yourself. It was just a long process and eventually it worked.”

Continued from page 11 with friends, hang out. If you have a job, work. Do something with yourself and go have a good time.” Manuel Rios A Pierce College student since 2013, I began as a Journalism major where I went on to write for The Roundup News and The Bull Magazine. I enjoyed my time with the department yet decided to make a change, becoming an English major. Though I am unsure where I will transfer, my goal is to become a high school English teacher while pursuing my ultimate goal of becoming an author.

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#FeelBetter A death in her family sent Amber into a deep depression, but she was able to get help. If youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re fighting depression, you have options. One way to get mental health coverage is to enroll in Medi-Cal. Hear Amberâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s story and find out how to get covered at:

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