Best Comic Piece: Orlando Kuti

Best Comic Piece

written by Orlando Kuti (Year 9)

The CGS Conspiracy Theory

Have you ever wondered why there are so many solar panels at Camberwell Grammar School? Why do they generate so much more power than needed? Have you ever wondered why students aren’t allowed in staff rooms? And why are all our teachers always calm and positive? My suspicions started growing in year eight, so did a bit of sleuthing. What I uncovered was extremely unnerving. Fearing my own safety, I figured the only way to protect myself was to spread the word. It might shock you too, but it’s better to know the truth than to be blissfully unaware of what’s been developing by the day. At first I thought CGS might be using all the power it’s been producing to mine Bitcoin, and I suppose that would’ve been okay because no one would get hurt other than financially. But my theory didn’t explain how every teacher was able to remain calm and super positive even when faced with student misbehaviour and unruly classes. Last week for example, when Jimmy ate Maccas in math class then puked on his teacher’s shoes (a situation where any reasonable person would have lost it), his teacher just wiped it up and moved on. I witnessed this with my own eyes and it just doesn’t add up. It’s not normal BECAUSE IT’S NOT. They are not. Deep breath… what’s really happening in those staff rooms…stay with me…is that our teachers are plugging in to recharge their batteries. I’m not talking about coffee and cake here, but 240-volt power! Here’s the thing; our teachers might appear human, but they’re actually part of an advanced artificial intelligence network run by none other than Mr Pisch. How do I know it’s Mr Pisch? Because as any student of his English or History classes will confirm, Mr Pisch dresses like a supermodel (Gucci glasses, head to toe colour coordinated, never wears socks) and is unlike any other teacher. The robots aka our teachers on the other hand (and by the way I’m also highly suspicious of a number of students) are designed to fit in with the crowd and not bring uncalled attention to themselves.

So I manned up and took my concerns in person to Dr Hicks, hoping he wouldn’t think I’d completely lost it and follow up with an urgent call to my parents. But my greatest fears came to life when he responded calmly with perfect grammar, full of positivity and topping it off by reminding me of the school values. That’s when I knew for sure that Camberwell Grammar School is plugged into the AI network. It all adds up. CGS teachers work day and night (except Mr Pisch of course) and convene throughout the week in secret staffrooms. There is a ridiculous abundance of solar panels and a not-so-evil genius disguised as an eccentric and fashionable art collecting English teacher. Conspiracy theory? I think not. —•