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Perfectly imperfect: You are enough!

How to deal with Imposter Syndrome

Have you ever thought or said, “I’m not as capable as other people think I am” or “I have to be perfect to feel good enough”? Do you feel inadequate, no matter how much you achieve? Maybe you believe your success is due to luck, rather than true personal ability, or it will only come with an extraordinary amount of hard work?

If your answer is "yes", then you are in good company. Most of us, including high achievers, have experienced self-doubt or a lack of confidence in ourselves. This is known as Imposter Syndrome. It’s an internal experience of not believing we are intelligent, capable, or creative, despite external evidence, or feedback to the contrary.

Imposter Syndrome

Imposter Syndrome doesn’t discriminate, though some research suggests it may affect immigrants more than other groups. As an immigrant experiencing cultural, language and employment barriers, it’s easy to feel insecure, or dismiss our credibility, especially when we compare ourselves to nonimmigrants or those with more Canadian experience. It’s not surprising that we can struggle to find our place, to feel like we belong. Add to this, our perception of success might be different from our family’s definition, based on their beliefs, expectations and understanding of our work and lifestyle. When we don’t get the validation or feedback from those closest to us, it can lead us to feel vulnerable, inadequate and unsupported.

You may find that your imposter feelings are situational. For example, you may feel it in your work, your academic achievements, parenting or other relationships, sports or other recreational pursuits.

Consequences

Due to the way our brain is wired, it’s human nature to focus on the negative. It’s natural to overlook the positive feedback and focus on what we lack, what we haven’t been able to achieve, our flaws and imperfections. We may respond to Imposter Syndrome in several ways:

Work harder – We may over-prepare, overwork, work in isolation, set ourselves high (usually unrealistic) expectations, all of which is stressful, especially if we fall short. Perfection is time consuming, rarely satisfying and often results in overwhelm and burnout.

Procrastinate – We are reluctant to step out of our comfort zone, step up to a challenge or try something new. We may decline, or even avoid, opportunities because we don’t think we’re ‘rather than’ or worthy. This can happen especially when we compare ourselves to others whom we perceive to be ‘better than’ us in some way; for example, that they are more successful, experienced, or knowledgeable. A fear of failure or making mistakes can also keep us from making progress.

Underperform – If we feel like a fraud – for instance, we may have accepted a job that is unfamiliar and there’s lots we don’t know and may self-sabotage due to our lack of self-belief and confidence. We may not feel safe speaking up, asking for help, or admitting we don’t have the answers or solutions to a problem. Hazel Morley has worked as a trainer, facilitator and coach for more than 25 years, in England and after immigrating to Canada in 2009. After her own personal health crisis, she shifted gears to focus on strategies for enjoying optimal health.

ourselves, we seek out “quick wins” that will give us immediate pleasure. This could be using food, alcohol, TV, social media, computer games or exercise, hobbies, meditation, sleep, etc.

Strategies

While it might be impossible to totally eliminate Imposter Syndrome, there are ways that we can manage these feelings when we recognize they are holding us back:

• Accept Imposter Syndrome for what it is: “faulty thinking.”

These thoughts exist in your head and, as such can be changed with some practice over time. Separate thoughts (perception) from facts (reality).

• Challenge the truth of your assumptions. Get curious and be prepared to re-think.

• Talk openly about how you are feeling. Good leaders recognize vulnerability as a strength in this country. Practice being vulnerable with someone you trust, who can relate.

• Be self-compassionate rather than self-critical. Remind yourself of how far you’ve come and how much wisdom you have.

• Worry less about other peoples’ perceptions of you – you cannot control what they think or feel.

• Avoid comparing yourself with others. You only see their highlights, not the whole picture.

Work-in-progress

The truth is, we are all a “workin-progress” – imperfect and incomplete.

We are perfectly flawed and that’s what makes us the unique human beings we are.

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Caring for your relationship as you settle in a new country

Prepare, communicate and be open to new supports

Moving to a new country may be one of the biggest decisions you will make as a family. The excitement of finally landing in a new country can quickly wear off as days go by. It can be overwhelming and stressful for couples as you navigate and adjust to the new environment and are focused on finding a job, monitoring finances and finding your place in the community. Culture shock experienced with different roles, values and expectations in the new culture can also create confusion, strain and conflict in relationships.

Here are some statements shared by newcomers about their marital relationships and mental health: I can’t take it anymore. We are having fights all the time; Everything is very different now. He or she is not the same person; There is no respect anymore; We don’t talk much at all. I don’t feel appreciated; I think our marriage has ended. I want to go back to my country.

Protecting or saving your marriage can cause added stress while adjusting and adapting to a new country. Looking at it as a journey together and avoiding blaming each other for failures and disappointments can pave the way for a deeper understanding of each other and strengthen the bond.

Here are three things that couples can do to care for their relationship as you are settling in a new country: 1. Anticipate and accept that there will be changes to the relationship after the move and be prepared for it: All the things that defined your relationship in your home country, such as family

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support, your identities, familiar working conditions and routines no longer exist in the new culture, making the relationship seem like a new beginning for many. When you are faced with unfamiliar situations, people behave differently and sometimes are not even aware of it. It is important to recognize that this can be temporary, and they may need time to adjust. An example would be being so preoccupied with the job search that they no longer appreciate the food you cook or if the spouse is alone at home all day, she stops asking about your day. It does not mean that they have changed and they no longer care for you.

2. Communicate with compassion, openness and honesty with one another: Settling down in a new country requires a lot of decision-making for which effective communication skills are critical. Being supportive and open to one another is important as it is not a time to evaluate each other’s ability to read minds or have high expectations of each other. Be compassionate about your partner’s emotional needs. Explain your feelings in an honest manner and take a problem-solving approach to differences of opinion. sole source of support in the absence of other supports, such as family or a friends circle, that existed in your home county. Listening to your frustrations, feelings and struggles all the time and not knowing how to provide support may be hard for them. Access support from professionals and others you trust such as colleagues, family doctors, or newcomer support groups to vent and share your emotions. This will help you see that others share similar experiences and you are not alone. Tips and strategies learnt can help you develop a positive outlook that things get better when your lives become more stable.

The pandemic has strained marital relationships for many and it can complicate situations for newcomer families struggling with other socio-economic problems. Recognize that these are unprecedented times and find ways to support one another. However, if the situation is unbearable, is impacting your mental health and there is violence, abuse or neglect, prioritize your safety and well-being.

Don’t let the fear of unknown or stigma of marital breakdowns force you to continue dangerous or dysfunctional relationships. Help is available, reach out!

3.Be open to new supports: It can be overwhelming for partners to be the

Nandini Tirumala is a mental health wellness coach, educator and advocate with 25 years of experience in Canada with a special focus on mental health support services for newcomers and immigrant families.

Make the most of your Canadian summer

Activities and ideas for a fun and safe summer as we approach the hopeful end of the pandemic

By Kaitlin Jingco

Come summer when the sun’s out and the temperature rises, folks in Canada like to take advantage of the country’s all-tooshort summer and engage in lots of fun activities.

While the country is starting to slowly open up and there are still a number of restrictions in place, unlike last summer, it feels like the end of the COVID-19 pandemic is in sight. The majority of people in Canada have received their first vaccine shot and, according to current updates from the government, most Canadians will be fully vaccinated by September this year.

But until then, with a number of restrictions still in place, we have to find COVID-safe ways to have fun in the months ahead. Keep on reading for ideas on how you can make the most of your Canadian summer!

1. Get outside

We know that COVID-19 has a harder time spreading outdoors than it does indoors. Plus, with the great weather from June to August and the many outdoor activities that exist in Canada, all signs are pointing to the great outdoors!

Hiking in Canada is unlike hiking in any other country. We have the Pacific Ocean and famous mountainous trails on the west coast; the Atlantic Ocean and interesting historical sites on the east; and beautiful forested valley and lake hikes in between—did you know that Hamilton, Ontario is the waterfall capital of the world? Wherever you are in Canada, there’s no shortage of treks to go on.

If you’re up for something a little more adventurous than hiking, you’d be happy to know that Canada has countless other outdoor activities, including rock climbing in the Rockies, whale watching on both coasts, and surprisingly, surfing in British Columbia, Nova Scotia and even on the Great Lakes.

Not a super outdoorsy person? Cottaging, where you take a break from your routine by escaping to somewhere with a little more wilderness, is a hugely popular summer activity in Canada that offers a hybrid of indoor/outdoor fun. Ask your friends or colleagues with cottages if you can use it for a weekend or look online for cottages to rent.

2. Enjoy culinary delights

Thanks to the various cultures and communities that have made Canada home, the country offers diverse and delicious cuisines.

While COVID-19 has had a tremendous impact on the restaurant industry, this summer, you can still support local restaurants by doing takeout and enjoying your meal in the sunshine with family and friends—whether it is on a picnic table at a park, at the beach or in your own backyard.

While many of Canada’s famous summer food festivals are cancelled this year due to COVID— like the seafood festivals along the coasts and countless cultural festivals in Toronto and Vancouver—there are some, like food truck festivals, that are inching back toward prepandemic life.

For a truly Canadian food and drink experience, you can also consider doing a bike tour to explore breweries or wineries in your area (every province has both, with Ontario leading the pack with most breweries and British Columbia leading the way with most wineries). Then, if possible, finish off your day with a poutine and Beaver Tail.

While enjoying the variety of foods that Canada has to offer, always be mindful of the pandemic regulations. Enjoy the summer eats safely by following local distancing and gathering guidelines.

3. Attend outdoor and drive-in events

Drive-in movies, where viewers watch films that are projected on big screens from the comfort of their cars, are common summer pastimes here in Canada. With the pandemic, more activities

are adopting the drive-in/drive-through model—including art shows, concerts and zoos—allowing attendees to safely avoid the virus by staying in their cars while enjoying their activity.

In Toronto, the Immersive Van Gogh exhibit—where cars drive in and are completely surrounded by projections of the artist’s work—is back after last year’s successful showcase. If you’re in Alberta, the Neon Sign Museum is a unique outdoor walk or drive-by activity where you can see historical and culturally significant light-up signs in Edmonton. If you live in Quebec, Parc Omega allows you to drive through a 12km trail, where you can view and feed different Canadian animals without having to leave your car.

There are plenty of car-based activities throughout the country, and depending on where you are, some limited-capacity outdoor events may

4. Prioritize your mental health and try to relax

There is a lot going on in the world right now. And when you’re a newcomer who’s trying to turn a new environment into a home, this time can be very overwhelming.

Connecting with people who are going through similar situations as you is a great way to build connections and feel more at home in your new country. You can build community by finding immigrant-focused activities organized by settlement agencies and non-profits. Local libraries and community centres also offer other virtual events to help newcomers connect. Some groups, like the immigrant walking group created by Yijie Jennifer Chen (whom we interviewed for this year’s Immigrant Women of Inspiration edition), even move offline to allow participants to meet safely in real life.

And while having a community is so important during this tough time, it’s also key to make time for yourself. This summer, be sure to find your own unique way to relax. Whether it is sitting in your garden sipping on a cool drink, walking in the park and enjoying the sunshine while your children play or reading a book at the beach, summer is meant to be a time of relaxation. So, take some time to practice self-care. Not only will that be good for your mental health, but it’s what Canadians do during these sunny months!

In Canada, summer tends to sweep fun, chill vibes throughout the country, and we hope that’s what you’ll feel over the season. Just be sure to do your research and always check local public health guidelines before making your plans.

Be safe and enjoy a fun, relaxing Canadian summer!