Earache by Canongate

EARACHE

How the Movies Can Cure Your Tinnitus

trictly speaking, tinnitus is not an illness, it’s a condition. There are no measurable symptoms but the constant ringing in the ears – a pulsing, never-ending, clangorous, nerve-shredding interference – should be

familiar to cinemagoers who have experienced the aural sensation of any Michael Bay film. The effects can vary from mild (The Lionel Ritchie Collection, 2003) to total-pain-in-the-ass (Transformers, 2007).

As a youth you may have strayed too close to the

noisy’). Gentle, softly spoken movies won’t work

front of a concert and stood unnervingly near to

either, as everything will take place with the

the speaker stack – you paid the price. Later you

seemingly incessant chirruping of a thousand

may have turned your headphones up beyond the

crickets in the background.

European recommended limits – you coped with

What is needed is a big, thumping, flamboyant

the consequences of your foolishness. You may have

film to distract and console. This might appear

witnessed a party of five-year-old boys just after

counter-intuitive: why go see a noisy movie if

the Haribo kicked in and just before the entertainer

tinnitus is your problem?

(not to be confused with The Entertainer, the

Here’s the answer: YOLO. There is no cure for

1960 Laurence Olivier movie or ‘The Entertainer’

tinnitus so you might as well forget it for a while

from the soundtrack to The Sting (1973)). The

and take in some meaningful noise instead. There

aftermath was with you for days.

is good noise and bad noise. The Movie Doctors

Prescribing films for tinnitus is a tricky

have selected these films for having the right

task. Silent movies are a disaster (although, as

kind of noise. The coolest headphones are noise-

Dr Kermode is constantly reminding us, ‘silent

cancelling headphones. These films are head

cinema was never silent – actually, it was quite

noise-cancelling films.

E A R , N O S E & T H R O AT

INTERSTELLAR

really matter that the other characters seem a

(2014)

bit feeble, the story a little ho-hum and the Arab characterisation somewhat lazy. This genie has

A film you don’t hear with your ears. Bypassing that

been silent for ten millennia, and he has a lot

buzzing in your head, you hear Interstellar with your

of catching up to do.

chest. You feel it in your diaphragm (this won’t work if you’re watching it on a phone. Or if you are using

‘I’m kinda fond of you, kid,’ he tells Aladdin. ‘Not that I want to pick out curtains or anything . . .’

any fewer than the 1,000 speakers per channel

The movies sometimes struggled to capture

system recommended by your local IMAX/THX/

Williams’s comic genius (though Dr Mayo still

Dolby dealer.

maintains he enjoyed Patch Adams) so maybe it was

When it was first released, some viewers

always going to be an animation that could keep up

complained about the sound, arguing that they

with the speed of his character changes. By the end,

couldn’t hear the dialogue above all the effects

Williams’s performance, taking in his Nicholson, his

and Hans Zimmer’s score. This isn’t tinnitus, this

De Niro, Groucho Marx, Arnie and so many others,

is idiocy (see ‘Films for Idiots’ below). Director

will leave you exhausted. And your head, for the

Christopher Nolan has said that he and sound

moment at least, quiet.

designer Richard King mixed the movie over a six-month period, using dialogue as a sound effect. You are not supposed to hear what Matthew McConaughey is saying. It’s the Tom Waits school of

SCHOOL OF ROCK

(2003)

enunciation. And anyway, what’s a little ringing in

Of course, School of Rock. Jack Black playing

the ears compared with the time-warping bedlam

accidental music teacher Dewey Finn is an

of inter-universe space travel?

irresistible (if obvious) choice to cure your tinnitus.

ALADDIN

Loud rock gives you tinnitus! A loud rock movie takes it away again!

(1992)

‘Immigrant Song’, ‘Sunshine of Your Love’ and ‘Substitute’ have caused millions of ears to ring for

A riot of flamboyant distraction which will

decades, so we might as well put them to good use

quieten your infuriating, roaring head for all of

now. The research into laughter’s curative properties

its ninety minutes’ running time. Magic carpets,

in this area is admittedly in its early days. Just about

silk pantaloons, palaces, jewellery, curly slippers,

to get going, in actual fact. But it is true that exercise

treasure, the world’s grumpiest parrot, the Sphinx,

increases the blood flow to the different parts of the

singing, bazaars and dastardly moustaches – what

ear (genuine medical fact) and this is a good thing.

more does your tired and noisy brain need?

Therefore, the more you laugh, the better the karma

The big, dazzling, fabulous star is of course

flows and the biorhythms of healing will flood your

the genie, as played by Robin Williams. It doesn’t

body (less factual). For example, here’s Dewey’s

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new, improved school timetable: ‘8.15 to 10, Rock

each crunched skull and smashed spine is like a

History. 10 till 11, Rock Appreciation and Theory.

small explosion going off in your head. This has the

And then Band Practice till the end of the day.’

pleasing effect of extinguishing the rather feeble

Here he is addressing his class: ‘It’s gonna be a

ringing in your ears. And don’t worry about the

tough project. You’re gonna have to use your head,

dialogue. There’s barely five minutes’ worth (all in

your brain and your mind too.’ And the staff: ‘Those

subtitled Indonesian), and who wants to talk (or

who can, do. Those who can’t, teach. Those that

indeed read) when there is another groin to kick?

can’t teach, teach gym’ (a great line, albeit lifted from Woody Allen). The thing is, we all know that Jack Black’s rocking Gareth Malone figure will have tinnitus and

DISTRICT 9

(2009)

have it a whole lot worse than you. And because

Nothing pleases the ear more than the sound of

Jack plays for real with his band Tenacious D, he

an extra-terrestrial bug getting splattered. There’s

understands and feels your pain. Does it stop him

something about the yuckyness of it all that leaves a

raising his goblet of rock? Of course it doesn’t.

fevered head calmed and reassured. And it’s a relief

THE RAID

to know you aren’t a prawn from outer space. That might be hard on the prawns in Neill Blomkamp’s South African movie, as they turn out

(2012)

to be considerably brighter than many of their Uzi-

A really rather useful feel-better-all-round film.

waving tormentors, most of whom work for an outfit

Whatever your pain, watch The Raid and feel your

called Multi-National United. With a name like that,

aches just melt away. Over the course of its 101

it’s not difficult to work out that these guys aren’t

minutes, whichever part of your body is afflicted,

going to be on the side of motherhood and bobotie

you will see it punched, stabbed or kicked (maybe

pie. And in their alien killer-in-chief Koobus, they

all three at once) so often, that you realise you have

have a man who is definitely on the side of DEATH

nothing to complain about.

AND FLAME THROWERS.

A new member of a SWAT team finds himself in a fifteen-floor block full of ruffians.

Spaceships, disgusting eating habits (cat food,

mainly) and a good old-fashioned shoot-out make

and his noble band of bobbies need to arrest

this a feast of fabulous noise. An aural jacuzzi for

the head ruffian, but wouldn’t you know it, the

your tired head.

cad won’t come quietly. So everyone has to be

So we learn that The Tremeloes got it so wrong

killed. There are many hi-tech, high-powered

with their 1967 hit ‘Silence Is Golden’. Silence is

weapons lying around, but why use them when

not golden. For the tinnitari, silence is a nightmare.

fists and feet are so much more wholesome? So

Go see a movie.

much more balletic? We prescribe this movie for tinnitus because the way Gareth Evans directs,

E A R , N O S E & T H R O AT