LOOK AWAY NOW Optical Evasion Techniques for the Squeamish
N
ot everyone loves horror films, but for some reason everyone goes to see them – at least on occasion (and if this troubles you, see ‘Do Sick Movies Make You Sick?’, p.194). For teenagers, it can be a rite of passage; for
adults, an attempt to ‘keep up with what’s going on in the cinema’ (though Dr K would insist this has never been the case). Whatever, the chances are that at some point you’ll find yourself watching a movie which you suddenly realise is more frightening or gory (or both) than you had expected. As ‘the fear’ starts to wash over you, here are some useful manoeuvres to help you through the movie while maintaining a modicum of self-respect.
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Use the ten-gallon bucket of popcorn, the fizzypop container you could train a killer whale in
looks great through these.’ You’ll show how cool you are in the face of horror and how curious
sleeping bag as a handy shield at moments of
and imaginative you are as a cinemagoer. The
extreme tension.
fact that everything is now dark and out of focus will be a great comfort.
Borrow a line from pantomime and realise that ‘your shoe lace is undone’. Grapple with the
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Try praying. You might not have done this for a while, but maybe now, when you really need a reason to close your eyes, is the perfect time
Drop a coin down the side of the seat and
to get religious (suggested words: ‘Dear God,
rummage amongst the detritus accrued during
please make this stop’).
years of cinema-seat abuse until you find it. This worked very effectively for Dr Kermode during one of the most irritating movies of recent years (Keith Lemon: The Film, in case anyone’s interested).
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Whip out your 3D glasses, muttering, ‘I bet this
or the bag of sweets the size of a cellophane
wardrobe malfunction until the terror passes.
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O P H T H A L M O L O GY