HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS Movies to Avoid When Sick
W
the Movie Doctors are armed
OUTBREAK
and ready to alleviate your
This movie tells the story of an outbreak (oh, I see)
suffering with just the right movie
of the fictional Motaba virus in Zaire. The huge
hen you are ailing and weak,
(see ‘Prescription Medication’, p.304). But for extreme cases, we administer a few words of caution – there are some films that must not be viewed unless in tip-top condition. Over the years you will have learned that in movies no one ‘just gets a cold’. If a character sneezes or coughs unexpectedly, they’ll be dead before
(1995)
advantage of this illness is that because it doesn’t exist, director Wolfgang Petersen can make up its characteristics to suit his story. Here’s a virus that you can catch from pretty much anything, including monkeys and Dustin Hoffman. But – good news – a cure is at hand. The bad news is that it was developed by the US army, who didn’t feel the need to share it with anyone. Avoid at all costs.
THE STAND
(TV, 1994)
Stephen King’s 1978 novel was first filmed as a TV
tea. This is probably not the type of
miniseries back in the mid-nineties (with Molly
thing you need to see if you’re under
Ringwald and Gary Sinise, no less), and at the time
the weather. So here’s our tried and tested list of what not to watch. Spoilers abound, but as you’re not going to be watching these films anyway, who cares?
of writing a much talked-of feature movie is finally on the way. Possibly. If it does ever make it to your local plaza, stay away if you have a temperature. Ignore. Do not touch with a disinfected barge pole. It’s another apocalyptic tale that starts with a strand of the flu which is weaponised by our friends in the military (who knew they were such a health risk? Apart from all the guns and so on). This strain is known as Project Blue and is accidentally released from an army base, wiping out 99.4 per cent of the earth’s population. Awkward. Though Las Vegas gets destroyed too, so it’s not all gloom.
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CONTAGION
(2011)
28 DAYS LATER . . .
(2002)
It’s not monkeys this time and not even the American
Never go to hospital. Stay at home and be tended
army. It’s pigs, bats and bananas. A super swine flu
to by your nearest and dearest. If you succumb and
with bells and whistles named Meningoencephalitis
visit your nearest A & E (see p.11), you might suffer
Virus 1, or MEV-1. Symptoms you should check for
the same fate as Cillian Murphy. He wakes up from
if worried: fever, foaming at the mouth and general
a coma to find that the whole of London is deserted.
scenes of death. If even Matt Damon can’t prevent
Some animal liberation types have released a
the resulting social breakdown, what hope is there
diseased (wait for it) chimpanzee, and its Rage
for the rest of us? The moral of the film appears to
virus has infected everyone. You may feel a little
be: ‘Don’t have extra-marital sex with Gwyneth
zombie-like already, slowly shuffling from room to
Paltrow if she’s just returned from Hong Kong’.
room, so it won’t help you to see scenes of energetic
Even if this temptation is unlikely to present itself,
zombies running around in this film. And just for
this is an uncomfortable watch for the healthy,
balance, this time it’s the turn of the British army
never mind the sick. You might be tempted to
(or what’s left of them) to be thoroughly unhelpful
watch Contagion just to see the crazy homeopath–
and terrifyingly dangerous.
conspiracy theorist played by Jude Law get his comeuppance Resist. Just because you’re sick, doesn’t make you feeble.
I DRINK YOUR BLOOD
(1970)
In the 1970s, Satanist hippies who ate pies infected with the blood of rabid dogs were a real problem. It often led to unpleasantness and dismemberment on a wide scale. In contemporary culture we rarely encounter Satanists, hippies or rabies, but they are out there, waiting for us to drop our guard. Stay vigilant. Avoid listening to any Jefferson Airplane until you feel better.
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