W E L L Y
What would Deirdre do?
A N G E L
and are pretty sure of your feelings. Is there a retirement home nearby so that visiting would be easy etc but your partner’s mother would still have her own home to go to? Or can she find an apartment close by? You do not mention why this has come to a head now or any other reason for the lack of options. It may indeed prove to be necessary for her to live with you, but don’t let it “just happen”. You need to decide together.
A DV I C E F RO M D E I R D R E TA R R A N T
LEAST SAID I have two adult children and I love them and their father, however I know with absolute clarity that I would be just as happy if I had not had children. How do I convey to them the importance of feeling free to make whatever choice they wish for, children or childless, without making them feel unwanted or hurting their feelings? It’s all about me, Ngaio Gosh, seems like you may be turning this into an issue too late. Is this about them or you? They are adults and have grown up loved and that is what counts – they will make their own decisions now, and your opinion is just your opinion. Sounds like a contradiction as you write it and not relevant now. There is no need for you to assert this opinion – they can decide for themselves.
N O T K E E N T O N U R SE My partner wants her mother to come and live with us. It is really the only option for her mother, (feckless siblings etc), however I know I don't want her to live with us and I don't want to take care of her. Call me heartless, but I've always known it will be a struggle for me if my partner needs care in later life. I have tried over many years but her mother has never been happy about our relationship and has made it clear that she does not like me. I think sharing a house will ruin our 20-year relationship. Do I make it clear now, before the decision is taken, or do I let events run their course? Nurse Ratchett, Lower Hutt You need to sort this now and your partner and you need to be united. Your relationship is important. You certainly need to be more committed to looking after each other as life goes on. You sound as though you have considered this a lot
PA I N F U L T O WAT C H My 13-year-old started a new school this year. I recently went to a school event and witnessed a group of kids bullying her – lots of name-calling and belittling. She didn’t seem too bothered and I don’t want to make a storm in a teacup. Do I talk it over with my child or let her carve her own path? Anxious mother, Kelburn Definitely let her know that talking it over is good and that you witnessed it and are there for her. Bullying is not acceptable at all in any circumstance and is so NOT a storm in a teacup. She needs to cope and to be able to talk about it both at home and at school. Try to agree to tell the school as they can help also.
A N OV E R A S SE RT E R I got an email last week from my brother saying he no longer wants to see me because I'm “overbearing and cause him great stress”. I admit I can be stubborn and assertive at times, but didn’t realise it had come to this. Although his decision is dramatic to me, I'm keen to fix our relationship. How do I go about mending it? Humble, Miramar Talk to him and say exactly what you have written! Try to agree on some social parameters, have lunch once a month, and apologise! You clearly acknowledge you can be difficult and believe it is in your power to be different. Reach out and check your tendency to over-assert. Good luck.
If you’ve got a burning question for Deirdre, email angel@capitalmag.co.nz with Capital Angel in the subject line.
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