WELLY ANGEL

What would Deirdre do?

ADVICE FROM DEIRDRE TARRANT

LEAST SAID

I have two adult children and I love them and their father, however I know with absolute clarity that I would be just as happy if I had not had children. How do I convey to them the importance of feeling free to make whatever choice they wish for, children or childless, without making them feel unwanted or hurting their feelings?

It’s all about me, Ngaio

Gosh, seems like you may be turning this into an issue too late. Is this about them or you? They are adults and have grown up loved and that is what counts – they will make their own decisions now, and your opinion is just your opinion. Sounds like a contradiction as you write it and not relevant now. There is no need for you to assert this opinion – they can decide for themselves.

NOT KEEN TO NURSE

My partner wants her mother to come and live with us. It is really the only option for her mother, (feckless siblings etc), however I know I don't want her to live with us and I don't want to take care of her. Call me heartless, but I've always known it will be a struggle for me if my partner needs care in later life. I have tried over many years but her mother has never been happy about our relationship and has made it clear that she does not like me. I think sharing a house will ruin our 20-year relationship. Do I make it clear now, before the decision is taken, or do I let events run their course?

Nurse Ratchett, Lower Hutt

You need to sort this now and your partner and you need to be united. Your relationship is important. You certainly need to be more committed to looking after each other as life goes on. You sound as though you have considered this a lot and are pretty sure of your feelings. Is there a retirement home nearby so that visiting would be easy etc but your partner’s mother would still have her own home to go to? Or can she find an apartment close by? You do not mention why this has come to a head now or any other reason for the lack of options. It may indeed prove to be necessary for her to live with you, but don’t let it “just happen”. You need to decide together.

PAINFUL TO WATCH

My 13-year-old started a new school this year. I recently went to a school event and witnessed a group of kids bullying her – lots of name-calling and belittling. She didn’t seem too bothered and I don’t want to make a storm in a teacup. Do I talk it over with my child or let her carve her own path?

Anxious mother, Kelburn

Definitely let her know that talking it over is good and that you witnessed it and are there for her. Bullying is not acceptable at all in any circumstance and is so NOT a storm in a teacup. She needs to cope and to be able to talk about it both at home and at school. Try to agree to tell the school as they can help also.

AN OVER ASSERTER

I got an email last week from my brother saying he no longer wants to see me because I'm “overbearing and cause him great stress”. I admit I can be stubborn and assertive at times, but didn’t realise it had come to this. Although his decision is dramatic to me, I'm keen to fix our relationship. How do I go about mending it?

Humble, Miramar

Talk to him and say exactly what you have written! Try to agree on some social parameters, have lunch once a month, and apologise! You clearly acknowledge you can be difficult and believe it is in your power to be different. Reach out and check your tendency to over-assert. Good luck.

If you’ve got a burning question for Deirdre, email angel@capitalmag.co.nz with Capital Angel in the subject line.

稀 攀 戀 爀 愀 渀 漀

A Disney mother

BY MELODY THOMAS

The mother is a complicated and contradictory figure: simultaneously divine and domestic, devalued and sentimentalised, and to her children a source of both the greatest comfort and sometimes the deepest pain. But come Mother’s Day, the mother is given a Disney-style glow-up, crowned in fresh-picked flowers, and sent cards that celebrate her unwavering patience, kindness, thoughtfulness, and wisdom. On this day, no-one mentions how she yells when overwhelmed, never reads the school newsletter, and forgets her children’s birthdays when filling out forms. For 24 hours, Mums are given our full, rose-tinted attention, before we return en masse to a normal which would falter and fall apart without her, but where her efforts are resolutely ignored.

Before I continue, I know that fathers are incredibly important, and that they, too, must sacrifice much on the altar of parenthood. I’m aware that many families have two Mums, two Dads, some grandparents, and resilient aunts or uncles, and that single Dads exist, as do shitty Mums. But as a society, our expectations are still formed along gendered lines and the things mothers are simply expected to do are the same things for which fathers are heaped with praise. It’s why women minding their kids are parenting whereas dads are “babysitting”, why a woman who spends time with her children is just a mum but a man who does is a good dad, and why, despite huge strides in increasing the number of women in paid employment and narrowing the gap between their pay and that of men in the same jobs, the “housework gap” hasn’t narrowed in any substantial way since the 1980s.

Which is why, for me, Mother’s Day can bring some complicated feelings.

As my own children come into my bedroom bright-eyed with pride over a wobbly breakfast tray, I can’t help but think of the mum of three I met at a party, who told me she gets up all through the night with the baby and at 5am with the toddler because her husband “isn’t a morning person”. Of the women I see in Facebook parenting groups begging other women for advice about how to get their partners to contribute, who cook every night of the week, including weekends, even though their partners also have two arms and, presumably, brains enough to follow a recipe; of the ones who “give” their partners sex to keep them from nagging; those forgoing a haircut or a pair of nice boots because the kids need shoes more; and the ones who always seem to get sick first, so they’re stuck nursing everyone else before they are fully well. We may have come a long way, but there are still too many women for whom motherhood means a kind of indentured servitude which allows no space for them to grow, play, create, explore, or simply rest with the company of their own thoughts.

I’ve said before that mothers need active encouragement from their partners when it comes to reclaiming themselves after babies, as the expectations heaped on them can mean that stepping away even for an hour brings about debilitating guilt. But we also need to get better at advocating for ourselves, and what better time to do that than Mother’s Day?

Do you need rest? Go to bed. Fun? Go out dancing. Time to paint or write or wander aimlessly around the coast looking longingly to sea? Give the kids to somebody else, go get what you need, and refuse to feel guilty about it for even a second. Yes, you are a mother, orbited by precious little satellites who rely on you to thrive, but you are also a person. You deserve a life that feels full, which leaves you satisfied, and where you are listened to and seen; and your children will only benefit from seeing you make that a priority.

NZ Art Show 2022

Aotearoa's favourite art event, representing the best of NZ art. The NZ Art Show showcases 100s of contemporary NZ artists, cementing its reputation as leader in its field. A curated art experience not to be missed. Buy tickets online or at the door.

3–5 Jun 10am–6.30pm daily TSB Arena, 4 Queen's Wharf. artshow.co.nz

Meet the Making

Just as Katherine Mansfield used subtle observations and descriptive details to allow readers to step into the world of her characters, this exhibition will enable you to step back in time and ‘meet the making’ of historical textiles and garments selected from the collection by guest curator Leimomi Oakes (The Dreamstress).

23 Mar–26 Jun 25 Tinakori Road, Thorndon. katherinemansfield.com MAHARA iti launches new space

Mizuho Nishioka launched our temporary space while Mahara Gallery is being rebuilt. Her show, till 6 May, celebrates her exhibition during this year’s Venice Biennale with the European Cultural Commission. Birgit Moffatt’s ‘Safe Space’ runs from 13 May. Ceramics by Jenny & Tanya Shearer, and Harriet Bright, also on display.

May–Jun 2022 2 Mahara Place, Waikanae. maharagallery.org.nz

{Suite} Westra Museum

New Zealand Arts Icon photographer Ans Westra is responsible for the most comprehensive documentation of New Zealand culture over the last 60 years. The {Suite} Westra Museum is a dedicated exhibition space for Ans' photographs. Prints are available for sale.

Tue–Fri 10am–5pm Sat 10am–4pm 241 Cuba Street. Instagram: @answestra suite.co.nz Global Belly_Zoom

This interactive online performance portrays people embroiled in the surrogacy industry. Professional agents meet content surrogates and argumentative feminists encounter loving fathers-to-be. With its ethical complexity and emotional polarisation, its legal grey zones and its medical realities the industry comes alive on the Zoom stage. Duration: 90 mins, followed by Q&A.

21 May 2022 8pm Online. goethe.de/nz

SGCNZ National UO Sheilah Winn Shakespeare Festival

Experience the exceptional talent of students from around NZ as they present their courageous and creative interpretations of the Bard's work. Delectable bite-size 5 and 15 minute performances will fire your imagination and bring Shakespeare to life in fresh and fascinating ways. See website for details.

4–5 June, Michael Fowler Centre. ticketmaster.co.nz