WELLY ANGEL

What would Deirdre do?

ADVICE FROM DEIRDRE TARRANT

FRIENDS WHO DON’T UNDERSTAND

When we had our son five years ago, it was an easy decision to make my best friend his godfather. A few months ago the same friend had a baby and they haven’t asked me to be the godfather. We’re a big part of each other’s lives so I’m surprised the privilege hasn’t been reciprocated – am I just being silly?

Fretting, Whitby

I don’t think there can be expectations – it is special and an honour, I agree, but I feel you can’t expect it. Have they named someone else? Maybe they are not in a hurry. Be pleased for the decision you made and let it go. Enjoy your son.

MAKE AN EFFORT

I started seeing someone a few months ago. I’ve organised every date since we met (which takes up more of my brain space than I care to admit). When I ask him to organise something we end up at home watching Netflix with a bag of chips. How do I get him to put in a bit more effort?

Tired, Thorndon

People are people and all different! He probably enjoys you being the organiser, but maybe having a talk about it has potential ? Just saying….. staying at home on the couch sounds pretty good, so maybe just enjoy the mix? If it is a biggie for you maybe the relationship will falter. A lot of maybes! Be happy.

GUESTS A PLATE

Is it rude to ask everyone to bring an assigned plate of food to Christmas this year? I’m sick of being in the kitchen all day.

Julia Child, Khandallah

Not at all! Many Christmases are shared. Tell everyone in time and make a plan so everyone knows what they can contribute, how many for and any food requests/restriction etc. I suggest you ring around and ask what each guest would like to do? But be sure it all adds up to a Christmas dinner! And maybe you should do the turkey, as you have the oven? Our families do a shared Christmas and the planning is the key. A real military operation, but it works and leaves everyone happy. Get on to it – Christmas is close.

A LAUGH-A-DAY

I manage someone who’s good at their job, but really impersonable, or impenetrable maybe? They don’t interact with the team and are rarely social. Their contract is up soon and I’m tempted to not renew it, but as they’re good at their job, this seems petty. Help!

Tired team leader, Stokes Valley, Lower Hutt Tricky but it is your call. Somehow you are working with this situation now, so think about it. Teams and togetherness are very “now” but clearly this person is good at his/her job and delivers for the business. So what is actually the priority? You are the leader and there are many ways of working in a team. Everyone is an individual and valuable. Good thinking.

WARRIOR DRINKERS

My family always drink too much, usually fight and bring up ancient quarrels over Christmas. Generally they don’t get upset about it, and forget it the next day – not always, sometimes there is a non-speaking period of weeks afterwards. It really bothers my partner and other extended family. Additionally my partner says our children will develop the same behaviour patterns. How do I get my immediate family to see it’s unacceptable, and without belittling them to our children?

Festive family fighter, Featherston

Unpleasant, but sounds pretty ingrained, so could you find a way to minimise the negatives. You do not say but I assume that this is about Christmas Day and dinner? Could you change the routine so it is a Christmas lunch? If you can get them to start the day earlier, then you can decide to leave when this seems to be in the interests of your children. You are right to want their behaviour not to be modelled this way. Start a new tradition of a Christmas Day walk for your own family, perhaps, or go and visit family graves or …? Are there other relatives to consider? You have every right as parents to want your children to have a happy family day, and not to be there if things get nasty. Set new traditions that you enjoy. Happy Christmas.

MORAL RIGHTS?

Does the giver of a present have any right as to how a present is used or spent? Obviously it’s tactful, for instance, to spend a money gift on something the giver would be comfortable with, but is it morally wrong to spend it on something that would upset them? Or once given is it completely up to the recipient?

Christmas Grinch, Karori

No. Given is given. A gift is a gift. If you want to determine what the gift is spent on, give vouchers. That is what they were invented for! Or be radical and give a present you actually choose for the receiver. It can have an exchange card, but will still make it clear what you would like them to have from you. Most retailers have well presented vouchers and will provide exchange cards. Or consider giving food, via a voucher for a treat meal out. Ultimately you are giving, and it is all about that act of generosity.

If you’ve got a burning question for Deirdre, email angel@capitalmag.co.nz with Capital Angel in the subject line.