Flounder Mag Issue #2 by MagLab Cardiff

Every fail has a tale

Single & unw11ling to lllingle Why you aren't failing if you're alone

March Issue

COM E F LO U N D E R W IT H U S

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As human beings around us. Emotion , we often find al ti we’d probab ly like. T es to thos ourselves as hus signing our biggest failures to the relationships ew Relationship s, or lack we have a ho mean the w us off balance more than rrived most to us thro there histories, cru a of. Fr mbling om st t our second issue of F lounder. Our theme this time: u n o r susta hope this issu inble fr ies of exes w have left a notable stain on our romantic e give i e n s you dships, to ho building portfolios in a Zoom-only world, we a chan you’re enco ce to le unte t you know failures ring ar whatever relationship-based e nor m discuss the a l, given idea o the circumstances. Within our cover feature, we f being s i n g le by choic of a partner a e. The media often portrays a lack of s a failur e - a failure to We don’t find someone or to get believe settled. choosing to in that nonsense. M ore and more peo be single f ple are actively or hurting fro m past emo a multitude of reasons, w hether you’re still tional scars or general la romance, c k of d any reason you choose is valiesire to pursue More importanly, w d. e want to rem in d you that you worth isn’t defined by r self your roma n ti c li fe, past or present. Whether you find your lon An g -term relatio crumbling und lly nship er the we o P ight of e a third lockdown, or yo nJ u’re failing to m o ake any notable progress D lle in dating g when any form of public meeting is banned, @fl o unde This one’s for r_

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Sincerely, me FLOUNDER

F R E Q U E N T FA ILS

Overcoming failure with gilmore girls In a world that can’t stop talking, Rory Gilmore, in all her awkward glory, taught me it’s okay to choose solitude over socialising and books over booze By Elle Redman

or as long as I can trace back, I’ve always been an introvert. When I was young, I would spend hours climbing trees - head in the clouds and imagination bursting. I remember creating make-believe stories in my mind, talking to imaginary friends (mine was named after Celine Dion), losing myself in books and dancing around the garden in fancy dress. Though I grew up with two older siblings, more cousins than I can count and plenty of friends living on my street to play hide and seek with, it’s safe to say solitude was my go-to companion. Finding joy in my own company, I was one of those little girls who the “go to your room” telling off tactic never really served as a discipline for. I loved to live in my own world. Flash forward to life as a 25-yearold, while I can’t always spend my days climbing trees, my alone time still stands as one of the richest sources of my contentment. While I’ve learnt to be confident in my need for peace, growing up, there were moments when I felt my personality was “offbeat” or “quirky at best”. In a world that can’t stop talking and when socialising seems like a

stretch, spending time alone can certainly, at times, feel like a failure. According to mental health publisher, Very Well Mind, introverts make up an estimated 25-40% of the population. Accounting for a smaller portion of the world, the Atlantic’s Jonathan Ruach explains introverts are among the most “wildly misunderstood groups of people”. While personality types can label us, limit us or put us in boxes, there’s an element of freedom to be found in the knowledge that we’re not alone in the way we walk the earth or find our value. During my teenage years, an unlikely TV show that helped me overcome my feeling of “failure” as an introvert was Gilmore Girls. If you’ve never seen the series, it follows the life and close bond between single mother, Lorelai and daughter, Rory. Set in the small storybook town of Stars Hollow, Connecticut, Gilmore Girls is infused with colourful characters, coffee and humour. There’s a memorable scene in season one when Rory is invited to a high school house party. She brings along

her best friend, Lane, who ends up meeting a guy and spends the night dancing with him. Rory, pleased for her friend, grabs a book from her backpack and finds a comfortable spot in the corner of the room to “catch up on her reading”. Unapologetic, unfazed and at ease, Rory is known throughout the series as “happiest when reading a book” and is often found to be quietly forging her own path, even in conforming environments. For me, Rory’s disposition, in all her bookobsessed and awkward glory, is a gentle reminder that sticking to who you are will always yield the best results. Watching an introverted TV protagonist who preferred a “laundry night in” than a big night out, was both self-affirming and utterly relatable. In a world where introversion is seen as an oddity, among many other life lessons, she taught me that being a wallflower rather than a bustling social butterfly is perfectly okay. She showed me that being an introvert doesn’t have to be my personal “failure” or deficit, but rather, something to be loved and proudly embraced.

Being a wallflower rather than a bustling social butterfly is perfectly okay

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Joe Beavan, a dating app armchair expert, talks us through the tips, tricks, dos and don’ts of LGBTQ+ dating

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By Kellie Williams

Don’t take it so seriously!

IMAGE CREDIT: JOE BEAVAN

It's not all sex and scandal Joe is studying development and human rights at Swansea University and feels that the local lockdown has turned many to dating apps like Grindr. After a lonely lockdown in Wales, Joe and many others alike have used the app for

character and cute animals

Friendly chats are A-OK! “The conversation doesn’t have to turn sexual.” “Me and this guy I was chatting to found it so weird that the conversation didn’t turn sexual!” he laughed, as he tried to count on one hand the number of non-sexual conversations he has had on the app. Joe added that you can truly “get whatever you want” out of the dating app, which is one of the things that makes Grindr so wonderful. When you sign up to the app, you are asked what your intentions are for using it, “some take it seriously, some don’t,” he said. “It can be confusing in the gay world because everyone wants something different, theres dating, a relationship, friendship, no strings attached… the list goes on’’, he sighed, adding, “Although after a quick chat with a guy, his intentions will be made very clear to you.” “Most of the goldies hide behind the blank profiles.” Thanks for that one Joe!

“we should not be shocked when a conversation on a dating app doesn’t turn sexual”

“Try not to get offended by anything,” said Joe, who believes that Grindr is fun and should be used for positive reasons. Sarcastic comments, dry humour and classic high school flirting techniques are common on the app, so just take it on the chin!

Three crucial C’s, charm,

conversation and friendship. Joe met his best friend of four years on Grindr, who lives in his hometown of Usk and although the pair didn’t find one another attractive, Joe said, without the app the duo wouldn’t have crossed paths. “It was just like crazy,” he said, as he reminisced on the bonding conversation the two had about their hometown and how there was a “lack of gays in the village”. Joe said that as humans, we should not be shocked when a conversation on a dating app doesn’t turn sexual.

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Hanky panky Grindr is renowned for being the biggest sex app in the gay world and with that comes a bag of mixed emotions (and condoms). Joe recalls one experience with a guy off Grindr to be the most “insane, sexual experience” that he’s EVER had. After a random conversation

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rindr is the ‘largest social networking app for gay, bi, trans, and queer people.’ With over millions of daily users, Grindr has transformed the way dating is available to the LGBTQ+ community and ‘represents a modern LGBTQ+ lifestyle.’ On the website, Grindr state, ‘We’ve created a safe space where you can discover, navigate, and get zero feet away from the queer world around you.’ One lover of the app Joe Beavan is a 24-year-old master’s student from the Welsh town of Usk, South Wales. Joe began his Grindr journey when he was 17 years old after confidently coming out about his sexuality and his preference in men. Growing up in a small town, Joe found it difficult to find gay guys his age, who were living in his area. “I never had like a scene, no one to relate to,” said Joe, who expressed that the Grindr app became his go-to to meet guys and now, he wouldn’t look back. “It’s honestly,” he pauses, “a new world… I didn’t know anyone gay, my age and in this village until Grindr!” 2 laughed Joe. A keen lover of dating apps, Joe has Grindr, Tinder and Hinge experience under his belt. His first top-tip for surviving the Grindr world is:

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Don't let G the bad guys

F R E Q U E N T FA ILS Safety first Staying safe is high on Joe’s Grindr priority list, “Don’t meet up with someone you’ve not seen a picture of,” said Joe, who added, “Personally, I would not meet up with someone unless I’ve seen [a picture of] them.” - Unless you’re looking to be on the next season of Love is Blind of course! Joe said, “It is very common in the gay community to enjoy the anonymous thing, which is quite scary.” Grindr have introduced a new security measure on the dating app, enabling users to send pictures and videos to a person and the media disappears in seconds. “It deletes it straight afterwards like Snapchat! But obviously if you do send anything, the other person can save them, they can screen shot them and it won’t tell you,” said Joe, highlighting the ~ dangers of sending bootylicious shots. ~ Abuse on dating apps is something not widely spoken about. Joe recalls one experience where he received verbal abuse from someone he’d spent time with. A confident and strong-minded individual, Joe recalled only his bedroom walls were phased and scarred by the experience and said:

Grindr is a great way for me to reconnect with my sexuality Falling for the next good conversation, Joe finds himself in some tricky situations that led to an exciting night, Joe admits he got caught in the act by his housemate. We could all do with a bit of the ol’ action! After recalling an experience with someone who wanted to keep their business private, Joe recommends always being discreet. “Most people like to say they met somewhere else because a lot of people on Grindr prefer not to shout about meeting their partner on the app,” said Joe. A sweet bonus to the app and a slice of advice from Joe is:

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tip

Do not have your picture up and available for all on the app “If you’re good looking, then someone will send you a d*ck pic or an ar*ehole pic,” giggled Joe, as he tried to maintain a serious facial expression. “You get used to the crazy,” said Joe, who feels that conversation is the most important part of using a dating app - if you can master having and keeping up a great conversation, then you’re onto a winner in his eyes! He added, “Grindr is an easy app to use, as soon as you enter the app, you are faced with all the people in your area and you can easily start a conversation with anyone.” The lack of swiping really helps, he admitted. In the words of Joe Beavan, “Take your pick! You never know who’s going to pop up!” Huge no-nos Joe, a hater of the bio for its sheer conceited, ‘full of yourself’ vibe began rambling through his feed to read out some bios. He read aloud not phased by the madness, “Young for silver”, “Biggest splash”, “Looking for silver-haired daddy.” Joe said that he’s not really bothered about bios, if anything, he avoids them. “It really winds me up, maybe I’m jealous…,” he said sarcastically, “‘Good for you! Thanks for telling me!’” The only advice Joe can give in terms of receiving a questionable image or video that you’ve not asked for is… “RUN... There’s no way of avoiding people who send you pics and vids without asking,” he adds. An advocate for not being crude, Joe said “Just don’t be vulgar.” In Joe’s book, keeping it clean is the best way forward. That is until you get to know them.

The best thing to do is to block anyone that sends you abuse behind the lens Since Catfish: the TV show aired in 2012, catfishing has become more and more apparent in apps like Grindr. Joe expressed how he felt it important to keep in mind that “you don’t know who is behind the camera, like it could be anyone, I know a lot of people get catfished!” Are dating apps like Grindr built for addiction? Joe tells all about his Grindr addiction and back and forth behaviour, deleting and re-downloading the ever-compelling app. “I think... ‘I’m done with that’, and then I’m like, ‘I’m bored’ and I want it back again!” he sighs, and the cycle continues... Joe’s back and forth usage on the app is down to its degrading nature. “If you’re in the mood for genuine conversation and a nude pops up, it can really put you off dating,” he said. If Joe feels low in himself he limits his usage or deletes the app to allow himself time and space to be present, without having explicit images sent to him every hour. He said that reminding yourself of your self worth is important and recommends following in his footsteps. #ByeB Lastly, Joe suggests if you are lucky enough to find the new love of your life, don’t check up on the app to see if your boo is on there, it will ruin the relationship. Amen to that! He admits, apart from preferring Hinge (due to its easy, question-based starter pack, the app creates opportunities for conversation openers), “Grindr is a great way for me to reconnect with my sexuality.”

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top t i

FREQ U EN T FA IL S

EXPECTATION XPECTATION V T PECTATION VS ECTATION VS R CTATION VS RE TATION VS REA ATION VS REA TION VS REALI ION VS REALIT ON VS REALITY Has living with your partner in lockdown not been what you expected? Join the club, this is proof that you’re not alone! By Anoushka Nawaz-Khan

he tension has been building for a while. You know it, they know it, but neither of you have the courage to voice it. Your lips tremble with nervous excitement, and you can almost feel their heartbeat quicken in anticipation. Their hand touches your leg, and they move closer to you. Your eyes meet as you both intensely await what’s to come… “Do you mind if I go for our one walk a day by myself? I need some space.” The words are music to your ears! Does this mean you, too, can have half an hour to yourself after being cooped up with your partner every minute of every day for what feels like an eternity? Run a bath, do a cartwheel, sing Queen at the top of your lungs because Lord knows you’ve got to break FREE. Rewind a year, and personal space was something we rarely had to ask for. Whether it was work, the gym, having an evening to yourself while your partner socialised with friends or vice versa, the tools were there, and we took them for granted. As we enter a whole year in lockdown, a magnifying glass has been uncomfortably analysing our relationships, our partners, and what it means to be living and breathing in our partner’s space 24/7. Disclaimer, it’s not quite the ride we expected. If you’ve taken a leap of faith to cohabit due to restrictions, struggled to balance your conflicting daily structures, or just missed missing them and the mind blowing sex that ensues after some time apart, you’re not alone.

it could be a lot worse. And you’re right, it could’ve been, but it also was not what you expected. It becomes increasingly difficult to live with your parents as an adult. We start forming our own needs and wants for our home life, and when these don’t coincide with our parents’ vision, things can become challenging. Living with somebody else’s parents comes with its own smallprint that many of us neglected to read, or were blissfully unaware of before lockdown began. Tereza, 23 had been with her boyfriend, Sam, 21, for two years when she decided to live with him and his parents during lockdown. “Living with his family was difficult as we didn’t know how long we’d stay there,” she says, “They were really nice to me, but I just felt stressed and useless.” Although Sam’s parents kindly refused to take any rent money from her, this just made Tereza feel more guilty. She was in her third year of university, and found that spending so much time with his family made her miss her own. “We spent most of our time there looking after his eight-year-old brother which also meant we had no privacy,” Tereza said, which negatively effected their sex life.

“I w a n n a b e o n y o u.” ( R o n B u r g u n d y, A n ch o r m a n )

There is nothing quite like the sex you have with your partner after some time apart. Maybe you’ve been travelling for work or they’ve gone to stay with family for a weekend, and their absence is, to be blunt, giving you the horn. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but let’s be real, it’s more than just the heart. “I ’ M L I V I N G A LO N E !” Although it’s not always a priority, sex is a fundamental ( Ke v i n M cc al l i ste r, ‘H o m e A l o n e ’ ) part of a relationship. It’s not abnormal for steamy You’ve decided to live with your partners parents sessions to go into drought when we live in a society during lockdown, and you’re feeling pretty good where workloads can be intense and stressful, and about it. It’ll only be a few months anyway, won’t it? external factors get in the way of our pillowtalk. Love *universe laughs evilly*. Friday night movies, baking in the time of Covid-19, however, brings more complex with their Mum or going for a bike ride with their Dad, issues to light. The Department of Developmental

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N VS REALITY E VS REALITY EX S REALITY EXP REALITY EXPE EALITY EXPEC ALITY EXPECT ALITY EXPECTA ITY EXPECTAT TY EXI Y EXPECTATIO Psychology and Socialisation at Padua University, Italy, carried out a study examining the change in sexuality in 124 participants from April to May 2020. They found that, generally, both men and women perceived a decreased level of sexuality during this period of lockdown, with 17.6% of women struggling to reach orgasm; a 14.3% increase since pre-lockdown. A moment of silence for the deprived women, please. Ellie, 21, had been dating her boyfriend for two years before moving in with him and his flatmate during lockdown. “The sex was great for the first few weeks,” she said, “but then my sex-drive basically disappeared.” Ellie was not used to sleeping in the same bed as her boyfriend every night, and it took her some time to adjust. “Things eventually got better but it’s definitely changed our dynamic and slowed our sex life down,” Ellie said. Libby, 25, had been dating her partner for six months before lockdown, and initially isolated separately before making the decision to live together. For Libby, passion and sex were less of a priority because isolation had negatively effected her and her boyfriend’s self-esteem. “We put a lot more emphasis on cuddling and being intimate in other ways,” Libby said.

“H e ’s j u st l ike thi s sl u g th at h a n g s a r o u n d th e h o u s e al l th e t i m e !” ( C h e r H o r o w i t z , C l u el e s s )

The working vs furloughed struggle has affected all those cohabiting, dating or not. For couples, nobody has been a winner. If you’re working, you’re trying to adjust to being at home and the difficulties that may arise, whether that be job-focused or the distractions that come from typing away furiously in your bedroom for seven hours straight. You’re tired, and just want to sit in front of the TV and wind down. But your partner, who is furloughed, bored, lonely and lacking in any real social stimulation, can’t understand why you don’t want to go for a walk with them. Do you not care about them? Has the lockdown weight they’ve put on made you not

want them anymore? It sounds all too familiar. Jemma and Jack, both 24, had been together for three years and were already living together before lockdown. Jack had been furloughed, and opened up to Jemma about feeling useless while struggling to structure his days. “Meanwhile I’ve been doing a job meant for two people, stressed and having multiple breakdowns a week,” Jemma says. By the end of her long working days, Jemma didn’t always feel up to interacting with people, even family or friends on Zoom. Jack’s salary decreased, whereas Jemma had a pay rise, so neither their financial or lifestyle structure aligned. “I’ve wanted to do up the house or plan holidays to inject some endorphins into our lives,” she says, “but I feel bad mentioning things involving money because of his situation.” When Ellie moved in with her boyfriend during lockdown, he was working from home 9am-6pm and she was finishing her final year of university, with a lot of spare time on her hands. “He still had lots of structure, was still living in his own home and had his family close enough to see on walks,” Ellie says, “Whereas I had no routine, was living out of a suitcase and was starting to feel very lonely.” Being so far away from her friends and family made Ellie subconsciously resent her boyfriend’s intimacy and comfort.

“O n e p e r s o n c a n’ t f e el th at al l at o n ce , th e y ’ l l ex p l o d e !” ( R o n W ea sl e y, H a r r y Po tte r )

You’re not wrong, Ron, we’ve all had our fair share of breakdowns over the last year. There’s no answer to make all this better, no half-a*sed advice that you’ll roll your eyes at, slamming the magazine down on your sofa screaming “WHAT UTTER GARBAGE!” Honestly, we don’t know how to fix your problems. But, we do know how to get a group of people who have felt like failures in their relationships together, to remind you that you’re not alone. If we haven’t succeeded, then sorry, you need Oprah.

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INTERNAL INTERNAL

W e ' r e h a v i n g a n i nter v entio n... i t' s y ou r i n te r nal m o no lo g u e, ' ' i t' s g ot to g o ''

MONOLOGUES 10

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IMAGE CREDIT: JAKOB OWENS

By Jack Fittes

Y o u c a n 't make m e s e e the l ig ht i f I d on ' t w an t to

icture this, your best friend always has a snide comment ready… Just had the best sex of your life: “I bet their last boyfriend was a 7ft nordic god.” Nailed your salmon en-croute: “You probably shouldn’t eat everything in pastry you know.” About to start a presentation - “YOU KNOW NOTHING YOU BLUBBERING BUFFOON - RUN, RUN FROM THE ROOM - CRY, YOU CHILD!” You would never choose to be friends with this human. But the thing is, it’s not a human is it? It’s your endless internal monologue. Your biggest critic that has decided to live in your mind forever. It’s just you, endlessly shouting “shame” at yourself like you are Cercei Lannister running round Dubrovnik in the nude. The truth about this is hard to swallow, which is why it has been regurgitated in a thousand forms. Whether it’s Eckhart Tolle and the Power of Now, Ram Dass, Russel Brand or your yoga teacher with a smug name like Brett - all things lead to the mastery of this difficult truth. You are not your thoughts. But that morning I wasn’t to know. I had grown up in the West to extremely non-hippie parents and generally avoided self help - taking the pub-therapy route as often as required. So, as I sat cross legged, unsure how I had made it into an Indian Ashram with a few thousand people waving their arms in the air and looking questionably happy in their white linen - I realised I was now definitely a cult member. Any moment now something would get passed around to drink or smoke and then we would all worship this guy we had come to see. Well not this smug, judgemental Englishman. It was 5am and I was more concerned with where I might find a nice breakfast than seeing the light. You can’t make me see the light if I don’t want to. Ecstasy turned to hush and eventually the swarms of hippies reverted to the way I like them - sitting and silent. By this point I was having a good old chinwag in my head about how tedious this was about to get - as we all searched our heart chakras and healed the world from our lovely giant circle of unchecked, unwashed privilege… “Why did you not sit by an exit you tit?” What actually happened was that my life was unquestionably changed from that day until I sit here writing this now. No, I did not convert to anything. No, I am not still there having shed all my material belongings. I broke up with my internal monologue via the help of Mooji Baba. The thing about Mooji is that he’s not what you expect. Not so long ago he was selling incense at a market in Hackney, and although he is now an international guru - he still remains fairly grounded. So here’s what I learnt. First and foremost - you and your thoughts are two completely separate entities.

IMAGE CREDIT: JAKOB OWENS

F R E Q U E N T FA I LS

They are not you figuring things out. They are a strange, toxic phenomena that requires keeping in check. At this point your internal monologue may well be saying “separate entities, here we go, the bloody hippy has an audience - eyes - glaze”. But bear with me. We live under the illusion that our mind is our way of sussing out the world, making decisions, plotting, solving - that it is somehow the core of our being. But this is simply not true. If the mind is your wise best friend - then why is it as active revelling in your success or meeting a new love interest as it is cruel and brutal when you’re crumbling and defeated? The mind, Mooji says, is in fact just this thing inside of us that knows it must be busy to survive. It is the arch nemesis of yoga. We, for the most part, are pretty passive. It’s the mind that thinks that joke you told was insanely inappropriate; that you probably deserve to think about how each person took it, if they told their partner, maybe they woke up thinking about it and…. The real you probably just vaguely regrets telling it. In a kinder way, Mooji wants us all to know that your mind is a complete d*ck and that the key to inner peace doesn’t require a lifetime of sitting on a rock. All we need to do is remember to watch our mind when it gets busy and notice that we are observing the brain activity, we are not the activity itself. I think it highly unthoughtful that no one bothered to tell me this before, could have been worth a mention somewhere between my times tables and Henry the VIII… but better late than never. Thanks Mooji.

T he ke y to i n n e r pe ace do e sn 't r e qu i r e a life tim e o f si tti n g on a rock

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FREQ U EN T FA IL S

BaD Tattoos

By Harriet Argent

good lessons

attoos are often painted as big life decisions, sometimes on the same level as buying a house, having a baby, or getting married. It is estimated that one in five people in the UK has a tattoo, so, as my Nan would say, “every man and his dog has got one,” and, really, it’s just no longer that big of a deal. Before getting a tattoo, some people spend weeks, months, or even years contemplating the design, handpicking the best artist and analysing their body for the perfect spot. Others, however, do it in the spur of the moment and maybe end up with something they regret. But that is not always a bad thing, and like all big life decisions, tattoos can teach us a lot about regret. So, we spoke to some people to hear the stories behind their dodgy tattoos and the lessons they have learned from it.

The butt of the joke Our first tattood victim is going to remain anonymous, for obvious reasons that will soon become apparent. So, for the purpose of this, we shall call him Barry (his choice, not ours). Barry’s wonderfully crude tattoo was a product of peer pressure mixed with intoxication whilst, you guessed it, on a lad’s trip away. Every summer,

Nothing stirs up regret more than a bad tattoo, but in every mistake there is a lesson Barry and his friends travel over to Norfolk, a prime holiday destination, for a couple of weeks of quality lad time and boozing. To organise themselves each year, they have a group chat with a very interesting name. “Being immature adolescents, we decided to give the name of our group a unique twist and we called it ‘Norfuck’”, Barry explained. On one fateful trip to Norfolk in 2017, when Barry was the tender age of 18, he and his friends happened to pass a sketchy looking tattoo parlour on the seafront. The spotting of this parlour, coupled with a belly full of beers, prompted a game of odds on,

"Being on my bum, people rarely see it, it's just a joke" in which, if Barry lost, he would have to get a tattoo paid for by his friends. To his surprise, Barry lost the game and chose to commemorate his group chat by getting the word ‘Norfuck’ tattooed in a fancy font on his buttocks. “For the first few weeks I did regret it, but after a couple of months I just found it funny,” he said. “Being on my bum, people rarely see it and in the end it’s just a joke that is yet to hinder me in any way.”

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The lesson Barry has learned here is that he does not care what is on his bum. Oh, and to never participate in a game of odds on when drunk.

A legendairy event It seems to have become a rite of passage to get a tattoo when abroad and drunk with your mates and then instantly regret it the next day. Kelsey, who has fallen victim to the infamous girls’ holiday tattoo, got her bundle of regret in the luxurious resort of Magaluf (of course) when she was just 18. “We made friends with a group of boys from Scotland, and towards the end of the week we had a joke between us about calling everyone ‘a wee cow’,” she said. Your first girls’ holiday is a momentous occasion and a true milestone in any young woman’s life. So, to make sure she would never forget it, on the last night of her

week-long bender, Kelsey decided to take herself down to the parlour and get a wee cow tattooed on her bikini line. Needless to say, when she woke up the next morning and realised what she had done, she was not amoosed. “I had been awake for five days, so I didn’t

"I definitely regret it, but at the same time I love it" really know what I was doing,” she said. Kelsey also admitted that the ‘joke’ seemed a lot less funny as she sobered. Despite everything, this tale has a happy ending, because Kelsey learned to appreciate her little slip up over the years as it reminded her of simpler days in Magaluf. “I definitely regret it, but at the same time I love it,” she said, “it makes me and my friends laugh to this day and it’s stuck with me forever so why not love it.”

The chase for individuality When you are a teenager, you do anything and everything to find your identity and show it off in whatever way you can, but the person you are at 19 changes as you move through your twenties (thank god). When Anne got her dreaded tattoo, she was 19 years old, trying to be edgy and working as a barmaid in a punk club where the more ink you had, the more likely you were to get a promotion. “I got pretty addicted to tattoos,” she said, “I ended up having six in the space of a year and just wasn’t really thinking about what I was getting. Anne is about to turn 24, and it’s safe to say her feelings for her tattoos have dramatically changed since. Now, to the average eye, the tattoo in question is far from terrible - some may

even say it is good. But for her, it bears an unshakeable resemblance to a certain quiz show celebrity. “I swear to God it is the spitting image of Anne Heggerty off The Chase,” she said, “and because of that, I’ve always hated it.” Anne also said the tattoo artist she chose didn’t listen to what she wanted and kind of did his own thing. “I just didn’t stop to think that this was going to be on my body forever,” she admitted. The lesson Anne has learned from her failed tattoo is that she shouldn’t be so impulsive with things that are a life long commitment, and that, when you’re 19, you really don’t know what is best. Sadly, she never learned to love her homage to Anne Heggerty and has made the difficult decision to get it lasered off. Oh, Anne, we have all felt regret for things we did as teenagers. You are not alone.

So, what have we learned? A bad tattoo, as much as you hate to admit it, is still part of your body and at one point it was what you wanted. Those patches of ink hold dear memories, albeit hazy ones, of times spent with friends in your youth. People will always think tattoos are a bigger deal than they are, but as far as big life decisions go, they are of relatively low consequence. Remember, the great thing about a tattoo is that, unlike a baby or a husband, it can be lasered off.

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According to a survey of 1,000 people constructed by Dr. Stephen Crabbe at the University of Portsmouth, 30% have considered getting their tattoo removed but only 25% have actually acted on it. for both men and women, the most regretted tattoo was of someone else's name.

SINGLE & UNWILLING TO MINGLE Single SINGLE& by UNWILLING Choice TO MINGLE meet theromance people who don’t need to succeed SINGLE& UNWILLINGB TO MINGLE SINGLE& UNWILLING TO MINGLE By Laura Dazon & Rebecca Astill

etween sobbing on her couch and blasting out Céline Dion’s All by Myself in an iconic moment of despair, Bridget Jones made one thing clear: being single past a certain age is bad.

In 1996, when the book was published, women in the UK were getting

married at an average of 24 years old while for men it was around 27. It’s easy to see why generations before us felt the pressures of coupling off early. These numbers have

IMAGE CREDIT: JESS BAILEY

now evolved to 31.5 for women and 33.4 for men, showing the single lifestyle is more

commonly accepted until a later age. Gen Z is still a few years away from the average age of marriage. They can still shrug their shoulders at the odd couple among their friends getting married early. However, many millennials, between the age of 25 and 35, are already facing the pressure to settle down. Whether it’s because of picture-perfect social media posts with the caption “#couplegoals” or because they’re seeing all of their friends getting married and having kids (ew). Many have reached the age their parents were when they got married, and realise they are nowhere near ready to do the same. Does it mean they are unhappy? Not necessarily. Contrary to what Bridget Jones thought, being single doesn’t necessarily amount to accepting a permanent state of spinsterhood. More and more people are actively choosing to be single, and thrive with their decision. To better understand those who choose the single version of happy ever after, we interviewed Matt, Elly, and Steph on the different reasons that push them to be single.

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IMAGE CREDIT: ELLY SAVVA

Elly is full to the brim with platonic love

hen boys come up to me in a bar, I find it weird!” says Elly Savva, a 23-year-old student from Bradford on Avon. It’s not that she doesn’t enjoy dating; it’s just she finds she is fulfilled enough in her platonic friendships and doesn’t need a partner to feel valid. If she’s lonely, she has different friends she can call on for a sleepover or a cinema trip (in normal times, obviously). Elly feels lucky enough to have people in her life who support her without the need for a relationship. She states, “I don’t want to settle down until I’m at least 30, so it’s not something I feel I need.” Elly’s mindset stems from having happily single parents, who split when she was young. When her mum got married, it was because she thought she had to, but she wasn’t happy. They see being single as a form of liberation. Having such major figures in her life, who are single by choice, has changed her priorities. It was drilled into Elly’s mind from a young age not to settle down unless it felt right. It made her realise there are many other goals in life, other than being in a relationship, that would fulfill her more on her journey to happiness. (Avoiding people in

bars is one of them.) Elly isn’t looking to get married until she is at least 30. In terms of children, she isn’t sure she wants any. “I’m really terrified of being pregnant and the physical effect on my body,” Elly confessed. “I want children to have some part in my life, but I’m not necessarily convinced I’d want to have biological children.” She jokes about getting a house with a friend in the future and platonically raising their non-biological kids together. Her hesitancy about wanting biological children is a definite factor in not looking for a partner any time soon. Dating isn’t off the cards, however. “I want all kinds of experiences with all kinds of people. That’s more of a goal than finding one person.” Having a high body count isn’t an issue to Elly like it is to others. Her friends actively encourage her to stay single and explore her options, although she does note that if her friends began settling down, she might start losing that platonic fulfilment. At that point, she may start to feel more pressure to find someone, although she hopes she’ll keep her mum’s advice in mind. However, for now, Elly says, “I genuinely feel like I’d be happy being single forever.”

“I want all kinds of experiences with all kinds of people. Thats more of a goal than finding one person

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hen I picture myself older, I don’t picture anyone beside me,” Steph explains. Steph is a 21-year-old student from Harpenden who identifies as asexual and aromantic. Asexuality is when someone has little to no sexual attraction to other humans, and someone who is aromantic also has no desire for a romantic relationship. These are umbrella terms that differ for individuals, and for Steph, it simply comes in the form of lack of interest. People identifying as asexual make up around one percent of the world’s population, according to The Asexual Visibility and Education Network. Due to the lack of information available about asexuality, self-discovery can often come later on in life. For Steph, it wasn’t until the end of her first year at Cardiff University when she realised she was asexual. “I didn’t get why people wanted to be in relationships or why people wanted lots of sex. I came to uni and thought, I don’t really get this,” she says. It was a gradual thing which unfurled from a realisation that her needs were not the same as many of her friends. Steph explained that for a long time, the only alternative sexuality that she was aware of was identifying as gay. However, because she wasn’t attracted to girls, it didn’t cross her mind that she might not be straight. She says: “If there was more awareness and acknowledgement of asexuality, then I might have realised earlier.” As it stands

IMAGE CREDIT: STEPH JAMES

Steph is asexual and doesn’t picture growing old next to anyone else

there is little representation of asexuality in today’s culture and the fact it took Steph so long to learn about her identity is proof of that. Now, there is more representation on social media which is contributing to the growing conversation around alternative sexual identities, but work still needs to be done. Her mum’s ideas about the pinnacle of life stray far from Steph’s. Her mum thinks marrying and having kids is the goal for a woman, whereas Steph wants the complete opposite. Her parents met at university so there is that added pressure to follow in their footsteps. It’s not that her mum doesn’t have her best interests at heart, she just thinks it would play a major part in her happiness, just like it did for her. As for Steph, what would really bring her true happiness? Growing old in a house with her cats. “I am the stereotype,” she jokes. Note there are no children in that picture. Steph has had jobs where she’s worked with them in that past, and she can just about cope with it when she’s being paid. She says, “I’ve got nothing against kids but I don’t want any and I don’t want to give birth. It sounds painful!” Many of Steph’s close family members who are around the same age, like her brother and cousins, are still single which plays a part in the lack of pressure she feels. Her only cousin in a long term relationship is actually married. She says, “That marriage will keep Granny happy for a few years!”

“If there was more awareness and acknowledgement of asexuality, then I might have realised earlier

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Matt is taking time to recover from abuse in previous relationships

“It's not like: right. Now I fixed myself. I can go get a girlfriend! That's not how it happens! In the meantime, he is enjoying his freedom as a single man by doing things he wasn’t allowed to do in his previous relationship. Simple things like spending time with his friends (when covid-19 measures allow it) and connecting with his support network which his ex-partner isolated him from. He does what he wants, whenever he wants. These seemingly innocent acts that he once was blamed for also helped him come to terms with the fact he was being abused. “There’s this ridiculous idea that men can’t be abused, because you know, we’re men, we’re supposed to be strong and, like, bring home the money and the food and all this bullsh*t.” Indeed there’s a huge stigma around men and abuse. Matt notes he is lucky in that everyone he confided in about his experience validated and believed it. Nowadays, he finds a lot of fulfilment in his friendships and doesn’t particularly miss being in a relationship. He says, “The relationships I enjoy most are purely platonic ones. I love my closest friends, I absolutely adore them, but that’s completely aromantic and that’s okay.”

IMAGE CREDIT:EVE ROWLANDS

stablishing himself straightaway as a f*cking hopeless romantic, Matt now chooses to remain single after a few years of jumping from relationship to relationship since being 16. Matt is a 22-year-old magazine journalism Master’s student at Cardiff University. His last relationship ended badly: after months of being gaslighted by his ex-partner, he finally broke free and decided it was time to take a break from the dating scene. Despite not realising immediately that he had suffered from abuse, he knew he needed time to heal and figure himself out. “I know it sounds pretentious like ‘Oh I need time to figure myself out’”, he jokes when asked if he has any goals while staying single. But he also knows that it’s a necessary recovery phase for him. So far, he has been single for a year and a half, which is the longest time he’s been out of a relationship since he was 16. “I never really took a break, which ended up kinda biting me in the a**” he confesses. Just like our other interviewees, Matt took the time to seriously reconsider his previous dating experiences, even identifying common traits between them. “My pattern is that I apparently choose to date women who don’t treat me right”, he says, laughing wryly. Choosing to be single, in his case, was an act of self-care. However, he sees it as more a temporary step towards hopefully more fulfilling relationships, rather than a lifelong choice. Eventually, Matt does see himself settling down, having a family, “a house, and a dog,

and all that stuff”, but he doesn’t want to force it, nor knows when it’ll happen. He knows it’s not an exact process: “It’s not like: right. Now I fixed myself. I can go get a girlfriend! That’s not how it happens!” He’s also aware that sometimes, he thinks he is ready to date again, and something happens that makes him realise he’s not. All he really knows so far is that choosing singleness for a while helped him understand more about his previous relationships and identify red flags better, so he’ll know to avoid them. “If I see the signs again, I’m out!” he says with force. Overall, Matt has never felt pressured by his peers to be in a relationship, outside of the occasional longing when he sees his friends being in a happy couple. He’s conscious that society has evolved a lot regarding these matters, and things are different from the time people used to meet their spouse in their mid-twenties, so he feels no rush.

FAILA TI ON S H IP S

How to

Sex

During a

Pandemic Flounder recalls a love affair in a post-romantic, safety-obsessed society

oday’s the day. It’s been a long time in waiting, but today’s the day I finally break the lockdown rules and meet up with my girlfriend, Julia. Pandemic coitus, what’s not to like? We would have met up sooner if it wasn’t for the precise wording of the government’s abandoned autumn rules. At one stage couples could meet up if they were in an “established relationship”, but I thought it unwise to label ourselves that way. Being in a more committed relationship than the one we already share would mean having to spend time with her family post-pandemic. I wasn’t falling into that trap. Of course, there’s nothing particularly legal or safe about flouting the rules, but I’ve devised ways around that. We decided to meet at night for two reasons. One, the veil of darkness means there’s less of a chance of getting spotted. Two, as we know from government guidelines for pubs from September, it’s physically impossible for the virus to infect people past 10pm on the dot. Having said that, this risqué meet up also contravenes the advice of sexual health charities. As the Terrence Higgins Trust suggested back in January, “Your best sexual partner during the Covid-19 pandemic is… someone within your household”. Being uncertain that my three male, rugby-playing housemates would want to shack up with me, or I with them, I was left with no other option than Julia. Anyhow, the nerves are building inside of me just hours before nightfall with thoughts relentlessly racing through my head. The only place Julia and I had been able to meet over the past year

By Jack Cousins

was in parks. Indeed, I almost can’t imagine seeing her without the backdrop of pine trees, ducks and children screaming at forlorn parents. Perhaps we’ll have to pace around her room together in an absurd attempt to remember how two people communicate in person. Just gone 10 o’clock, I executed my cunning plan and slowly made my way downstairs trying not to alert my housemates of my secret departure. Out the door I went and found myself engulfed in still winter darkness. Save for a few fellow pedestrians, the streets were as quiet and empty as I could have hoped for. I’m on Julia’s doorstep in record time. Upon arrival I saw movement from under the door before it cautiously opened just enough for me to see somebody’s outline. “Did anyone see you?” the muffled silhouette asked, to which I shook my head. The door widened further until what I found in front of me was Julia, as expected, but donned in a garishly yellow fullbody hazmat suit. “Like what you see?” she asked flirtatiously. Though not quite sure what I’m meant to be looking at, nor even certain that is my girlfriend under there, I spluttered out, “umm, yes”. After an awkward embrace of rubber-on-cheek, we went through to her living room where I was kindly offered a drink, only to be quickly reminded that she no longer kept alcohol in her house. “Well that’s why the pubs are closed,” she said, knowingly, “it’s because beer and wine transmit the disease easier. Everyone knows that!”

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F A I L A T I O N S HIPS pocket and placing it over my mouth. Sitting on the edge of her bed, we began some top quality mask-on-visor action. Not long later we were interrupted by a vaguely annoying buzzing that refused to shut up. We stared at each other as the noise grew louder and the vibrations ceased to end. With the ‘romance’ long gone, I got up and opened the curtains to see a helicopter whirling towards us at great speed. “Oh no” Julia cried, “they’ve found us!” Before I could even comprehend what was happening the window exploded, with hefty shards of glass flying in every direction. On the street, a slim-built man in a suit was trying to make himself visible by shouting through a megaphone as neighbours clambered to their windows to get a good look. His crackled words were being drowned out by the helicopter, now circling the house, but he carried on anyway. “You’re surrounded… national security… Supreme Leader Boris told you…” A thick coil of rope then fell from the sky. Seconds later, a man dressed in all black shot down it and clambered into the bedroom. Flustered, he clawed at his ski

IMAGE CREDIT: JACK COUSINS

Sitting on the edge of her bed, we began some top quality mask-on-visor action She then pivoted, making a move towards the record player sitting in the corner of the room. “Wouldn’t do that if I were you,” I said. “Music is just as bad, or else festivals would still be going ahead”. It’s hard to be certain given the sheer quantity of clothing covering her face but I think she bit her lip. “You can never be too safe,” she added, which appears to be her new catchphrase. Sitting here in this silent room holding a lukewarm glass of Pepsi, while trying to locate Julia’s face through her fogged-up visor, I am profoundly reminded of the spirit of love, I think. After a while she suggested it was time to move to the bedroom,

and I agreed. At the top of the stairs a thought struck me. “Where are your housemates?” I asked. Julia informed me they’d all been self-isolating in advance of my visit for the past two weeks, but that I shouldn’t worry because they’d stockpiled on baked beans, Irn Bru and the DVD boxset of Friends. Just before entering her bedroom I heard a low-pitched growl from under one of the shut doors. Probably best to ignore it, don’t you think? Once inside Julia’s bedroom, things didn’t get much saner. “Did you bring protection?” she asked. “Of course,” I replied, before pulling out a pristine purple face covering from my back

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mask until he finally got it off. It was Matt Hancock, Secretary of State for Coronavirus from the Ministry of Intelligence. “Covidiots!” he shouted at us before throwing papers in our direction. On closer inspection, they detailed a £1000 fine for the pair of us. Looking back up again, Hancock had already reattached himself to the rope and was flying off into the distance in search of his next victims. Just as soon as the cabal had arrived, they were gone. Julia and I agreed never to speak again just in case the particles of the virus’ latest strain (which heralds from Papua New Guinea) could spread through our mobile phones when calling and texting each other. After all, you really never can be too safe.

FAILA TI ON S H IP S

How The Pandemic Lockdown pulled the rug out from under several of my friendships, but maybe that was a good thing By Rebecca Astill

ing ding ding! It’s the sound of a half-arsed conversation with an old friend. The kind where we leave the message for a few days, suddenly remember at three in the morning, make a mental note to reply, and forget. When you do remember to reply it’s three messages worth in a conspicuous attempt to make up for forgetting to reply for a week. It’s nothing particularly interesting, just catching up on the last six months you’ve gone without speaking. “How’s the family?” “And the new puppy?” “Yes I’m good thank you, just living everyday like Groundhog Day.” If I think about my phone now, there are probably around five messages at least over a week old that I’ve forgotten to reply to. It’s not that I don’t want to talk, the pandemic has just stripped me of all sense of urgency. Messages people have sent me float in my inbox for days, weeks, sometimes even months, circulating in it’s cyberspace before I can psych myself up to answering.

All zoomed out Originally, Zoom was a bit of an eye opener. I had video calls with friends I hadn’t seen in months due to living in different cities. I left the calls feeling refreshed and giddy, which wasn’t only down to the bottle of wine which had been consumed during. I was merry and warm from reconnecting with old friends. When the calls became weekly, they quickly spiralled into appointments in the calendar I was finding excuses to avoid. Gianpiero Petriglieri, an organisational behaviour expert, told the BBC that ‘zoom fatigue’ is due to the fact our computer screens are our only outlet for working and socialising right now. He says, “It doesn’t matter whether

N A R R O W E D

you call it a virtual happy hour, it’s a meeting, because mostly we are used to using these tools for work.” The only thing worse than a painful zoom call? A zoom quiz. Stop the quizzes, I want to get off. They were only vaguely fun to start with, and now they’re just downright boring. If you are one of those people who enjoy competitively naming Britain’s 1500 river systems with your friends then crack on, don’t let me disparage your love of trivia. I’m just jealous. But as soon as spending time with friends began to feel like a chore, I logged off.

Rule of six So then when things began opening up again, I thought, thank goodness. No more tides of zoom calls which I was running out of excuses to avoid. Except, with the easing came the rule of six. You could sit in someone’s garden, as long as there were only six of you. What did this mean for big friendship groups? People started to be left out. Friendship groups were filed down to the preferred six and the outsiders were left fomo-ing through the looking glass of Instagram stories. I distinctly remember the slap in the face moment when it clicked that my big friendship group of old school friends had done this exact thing. The first sign was a garden party I glared at through each of their Facebook pages, the next on Instagram when I observed them surprising another friend individually at carefully calculated times throughout the day to abide with Covid rules. The last was when I actually met up with a few of these friends, and they accidentally let slip that they had a new group chat. That was a turning point in how I examined my wider friendships. I re-evaluated who I really wanted to stay in touch with and who not so much. Friendship is reciprocal. The irony of this year is that we all feel isolated in perhaps the most shared experience we will ever undergo. Perhaps it was my own abject crabbiness at connecting over technology which lost me a few friends this year. But it has led me down a path I plan on continuing - more fullbodied conversations with less people.

MY SOCIAL CIRCLE 20

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The heritage of our parents’ failed relationships

All the wonderful ways your parents messed you up and what to do about it

IMAGE CREDIT: @COCODLAJUNGLE

ids tend to idealize their parents. It is usually not until teenagerhood that they realise their fathers and mothers are not perfect individuals in a perfect relationship. For many, this is a process of small discoveries, like finding out that mum’s chocolate cake is actually from the supermarket (betrayal!) and that dad also cries once in a while. Not that big of a deal, they’re human. For others, however, it’s facing the evidence that your parents aren’t in a healthy relationship, or aren’t happy together. Sadly, they showed you first what love is supposed to look like. So by the time this idyllic representation crumbles, it may have influenced you more than you would like. For example, it’s been observed that those who come from divorced parents are significantly more likely to experience divorce themselves, due to lower trust in relationships and hesitancy towards marriage itself. Sociologists call it ‘intergenerational transmission of divorce’. But does all this mean we are condemned to a life of romantic issues and failed relationships because of our parents and generational trauma? Not necessarily.

Getting attached It’s a common belief that love is either something you are naturally good at or doomed in. This mindset takes your agency in love away. Sure, there are elements of luck in love: where you meet your partner, when, how…etc. But setting clear boundaries for yourself has nothing to do with luck. If your parents didn’t set a healthy relationship role model, you owe it to yourself to learn about it. And there are tools to help you. In 1958, psychoanalyst John Bowlby published research about attachment theory, based on observations made on babies and the way they exhibit separation anxiety when they are taken away from their primary caregivers. He detailed how human bonds formed in the early stages of life can have a profound and lasting impact on one’s emotional development. This research was further developed to determine four types of attachment styles: secure, ambivalent, disorganized, and avoidant. Ever felt like your partner strangely resembled your mum or dad? Or that you had an unexplained pattern in choosing partners? Research shows that attachment styles could be linked to the way we seek

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By Laura Dazon partners resembling our parents and the relationship we had with them. This may also explain why you choose people that hurt you. Depending on the model your parents set, you may be subconsciously attracted to troubled relationships. Not because they feel good, but because they are familiar. Breaking those patterns is hard, and may even require therapy. But the first and most crucial step to breaking intergenerational trauma is self-awareness.

Breaking the cycle Millennials and Gen Z were raised on the idea that one out of two weddings ends in divorce. Despite this, they are beating the odds. The American sociologist Phillip N. Cohen observed how millennials’ divorce rates had been declining over the past decades (take that, boomers!) On top of that, the average age of marriage in the UK has been on the rise. Where our parents used to get married in their twenties, millennials are now getting married in their thirties. People now prioritize their careers and individual financial security over a relationship, and they spend more time dating. As a result, they went through trials and errors which allowed them to refine their needs in relationships. Overall, people are more mature when they make their vows, and take the time to find the right partner. Delaying marriage out of the fear of reproducing the previous generation’s mistakes is helping people make wiser choices. In short, maybe your parents’ failed relationship was setting you up for romantic success all along.

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N e

t X

Five times we weren't so f*cking grateful for our ex

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VO X - P O P PED

The frequent fibber I dated a pathological liar. He would try to break other people’s friendships by spreading rumours. He would even make up lies that his parents are ill, and even with those, he wouldn’t be consistent. One week I was comforting him because his father passed away, and the week after, his father was well and about to go on a holiday. As time passed, everything he said was more and more ridiculous. Eventually, no one in our friend group believed anything he said.I’ve always had issues with lies, but now even a little white lie triggers me and immediately raises a red flag after this experience.

Burn baby burn

I was with my ex for nearly three years. We had met as fresh-faced teenagers in a run-down club in Exeter during our first week at University and the rest was history. The only snag was, we lived on opposite sides of the country and when University came to an end, we found ourselves in an unintentional long-distance relationship, which we quickly discovered was going to be hard to maintain. After ghosting and gaslighting me, he then wanted to make it work and paid £80 on a train fare to come and see me on my week off. Upon arriving, however, he decided to dump me, but still thought it would be acceptable to stay in my house for the remainder of the week. I kicked him out, of course.

My darling ex decided to TEXT me announcing that he no longer wanted to move in together. Because, and I quote, “If we live together, I can’t play COD.” When I suggested perhaps he could call me, he replied with: “I can’t, I’m eating a pitta”. Another brilliant one liner. It must have been a mighty big pitta because he didn’t call for two weeks and when he did, he announced that he’d applied for an Australian visa and was going on holiday with a new girl that weekend! Perhaps it wasn’t a pitta he was eating after all!

Fishy behaviour

Absolutely railed

My boyfriend and I had been together for two years before we went to university. In hindsight, he was a bit of a drip. He decided on Swansea, and I on Plymouth. I was hopeful we would stay together through the whole three years. Two weeks into university and things aren’t going well. He’s not replying to my messages, so I called him out. He cried and said he was confused, and thought he needed to see me. So silly old me spent £75 on a last minute train back to see him! He told me about this girl in his halls of whom he said, “You would really like her, she reminds me of you.” £75 down and a whole weekend of sex later, back to Plymouth I go, only to receive a message as soon as I get back saying, “sorry I can’t be with you anymore.” I later found out he was cheating on me with said flatmate girl the whole time. So blessed, so moved, so grateful.

Happy Birthday! We were moving to different parts of the country: a test for any relationship, but we were strong. It gets to my fourth week of uni; I’m starting to settle in nicely and make friends, and she’s due to come and visit me the next weekend to celebrate my birthday. Said visit never happens. One Sunday morning she asks to Skype me. The ensuing conversation shatters my heart into a million pieces. She wants to be able to sleep around, she tells me, and doesn’t feel she can do that while we’re still together. She ends it there and then, a week before my birthday. Ouch. I also found out a year later that she did in fact cheat on me, despite her insistence otherwise. She then tells me that she’d rather remain friends with the girl who abused me than be nice to me. Charming!

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Working with talking heads

and making friends with people through a screen?

IMAGE CREDIT: GOOD FACES

By Harriet Argent

What is it like

art of the joy in starting a new job is being spoiled with ‘welcome drinks’ and taking 15-minute coffee breaks that last for hours because you were getting to know your new colleagues, people you will now be spending all your time with. According to figures by the ONS, employees in Britain aged 16 and over were about as likely to have daily contact with their work colleagues as they were their own children (yikes), and over four in 10 were more likely to have daily contact with their bosses than with their mothers or friends. So, if you’re spending so much time with these people, you may as well get to know them and, if you’re lucky, become their friend. But for people like Matt and Ben, both 23 and six months into their first office job in London, meeting colleagues and finding a ‘work bestie’ is a luxury they have not had and are not likely to have for quite some time. “You speak to your work colleagues more than anyone else, even your own family,” Matt said, “and that hasn’t changed, you just do it in a slightly different way. So, I have become quite close to people I haven’t physically met.” Both Matt and Ben said their company tried their hardest to force ‘social’ Zoom quizzes, virtual coffee mornings, and even escape rooms on their employees to help spark some friendships amongst the new starters. “It’s been a weird one. It’s not been bad necessarily, and I’ve still been able to connect and chat with people,” Ben said, “But one thing this has shown me is I do rely on people’s body language. “Now, it’s just a bit hollow,” Ben said. Bleak, but true. Matt also said that, as nice as these efforts are, it feels like he’s in an episode of Black Mirror where everything takes place on a screen. “You don’t want to use the same platform for your downtime as you do for your work time,” he admitted. “Also, there’s rarely anything to talk about anymore,” Matt added, “apart from the walks you’ve been on that week.”

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C A R E E R TO LLS

According to a poll in 2018, the IMAGE CREDIT: FIROS NV

average person will spend 3,507 days at work, including 204 days of overtime in their life. During that time, the typical employee will also: He admitted that one of the strangest things about this situation is not knowing what his colleagues look like from the shoulders down. He said he found himself guessing how tall they were, based on how they were sat on Zoom. “It’s not something you would normally pick up on,” he laughed, “but I have no idea of the proportions of anyone I work with, and it’s weird!” For Ben, the days have just started to roll into one. “You don’t make the memories, which sounds a bit soppy because you’re not at a job to make memories, but all the relationships are very professional and missing this ‘personable’ element,” he said, “I’m missing the extra caveats that come with working in an office.” Who knew we would be longing for queues for the kettle and small talk at the water cooler? Another aspect of the new worker relationship the pair find strange is how all their colleagues know what the inside of their houses looks like, or at least a specific wall in their house, and they are very vocal when it changes. Matt said he moved his computer about five inches to the left and was met with a flood of messages commenting on the change. Ben also said one of his colleagues was having his house renovated, and, thanks to Zoom, he has had the pleasure of having a front seat in seeing it change. It’s the little things.

have six office romances brew 7,967 rounds of tea or coffee for their colleagues Although the pair have been able to make at least some connections with their colleagues, they are longing for the days when they will be able to sack off work at 4:30pm on a Friday afternoon and go for a ‘quiet’ drink with their workmates that will inevitably end with them eating a kebab in the back of an Uber at 5am the following day. When asked what the first thing they will do when they finally meet their colleagues in the flesh, they both said, without hesitation, “pub.” But they were reminded that it will probably be early on a Monday morning and that would be totally unprofessional. “I’ll go straight to the kettle and talk b*llocks for an hour, and then at half past ten realise I haven’t done any work yet,” Ben said. Matt said he would settle the speculations once and for all and measure how tall his colleagues were. Whether it’s an hour-long coffee break, a lunchtime stroll that runs over or finishing early on a Friday and heading to the pub for a few pints, we all await the return to quality time with colleagues.

I have no idea of the proportions of anyone I work with, and it's weird!

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How to: Write a compelling CV when you only have Zoom experience By Anoushka Nawaz-Khan

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C A R E E R TO LLS

IMAGE CREDIT: CHARISSE KENION

About me

interviewee

Name: Anoushka Nawaz-Khan Address: My kitchen table Contact: Zoom

Qualifications • A Bachelor’s Degree from a university you probably haven’t heard of • I passed, which is all you need to know (Note: good at building suspense) • I did A-Levels, obviously. I got an E in maths. E for excellent, am I right?

Experience • Honesty is something that I feel very strongly about, it’s great if you’re honest • I have TONNES of experience, but unfortunately due to the sensitive nature of these positions I can’t actually tell you what they are. Also, they’re all on Zoom! So I don’t even know where the offices are, it’s all very hush hush • I guess you’ll just have to trust me: Trust, another thing that I believe is lovely if you can do it, and I really believe that you can. You’ve got this • Give me a call, I Have a Zoom link that I keep running 24/7 for situations like these, but it would be great if you could only call between 1:30pm and 2:30pm • I really am very busy!

languages • Fluent in snark and sarcasm • Learning the language of avoiding difficult questions by talking about dogs • Memes

The past year has been very hard, hasn’t it? Online lectures and meetings in the confines of your home, lack of human interaction, not being able to sit on the shoulders of a drunken stranger at Reading Festival as you cry to Mr Brightside! However, I am a determined person, which has allowed me to compile together all the things I have learnt in my 20 something years (it is rude to ask one’s age): • I am excited to build upon all of these masterful skills as I enter the working world I see myself as a fresh face in this ever-changing digital world, resilient, intelligent, charismatic... • The list really does go on, but I am a humble person and so to stay true to my authentic self, I shall not brag • In addition, I have spent rather a lot of money on houseplants to strategically place in my kitchen as to give my colleagues and superiors something nice and calming to look at on Zoom when meetings get a little stressful. I am a team player • Because I work from my kitchen, it also means I have to clean it every day, which really is quite tiring and a kindness that I do for my peers and them alone • With this in mind, I am happy to discuss an increase in salary for my efforts and reimbursement for aesthetic shrubbery, as a business cost

skills Communication: I am very good at communicating. One lecturer told me that my facial expressions speak a thousand words and that they were glad to see the lecture was sending me to sleep. Ask, and I shall deliver. • This is a technique I instill in all aspects of my work, making sure my teeth are always cleaned so I can dazzle my cohort with smiles when they ask me pertinent questions (nobody wants to see the remnants of last nights pizza lurking around my mouth, and a smile really does go a long way) • I do not believe it necessary to turn mute off to converse on said topics as I feel the sound of RuPaul’s Drag Race blaring from my TV would disrupt the session, and if I am anything, it is respectful Organisation: In this day and age, note taking is in the past. I am a modern woman and believe that there are better ways of getting the job done, like delegation. • I use the chat box on Zoom calls to type out my to-do list, alongside the name of fellow students who I think might enjoy the tasks at hand • I believe that a balanced work/ personal life is essential in order to produce the best quality work. That’s why Rob on my course is the perfect delegate, he has mastered the balance bang on: when I asked him if he’d like to pick up my prescription from the pharmacy he said no because he would rather scoop out his eyes with a hot spoon • A weird hobby I must admit, but I do not judge people on what they do in their spare time; another admirable quality, wouldn’t you say? Attention to detail: I have been told by various people, who I can’t remember the names of at the moment, that I am an excellent listener, and I think this will benefit me in the work-place. • To elaborate, during last semester I undertook a longitudinal quantitative study investigating the number of times my lecturers accidently shared their screens to a personal tab • I then created a drinking game from this dataset that I shared with my housemates • I guess you could also say that I am discrete, as I never once commented when one particular lecturer frequently flashed a tab for the Bristol stool chart. I am hopeful that the new year brought them some relief, as this incident has not occurred since. See? It’s all in the details

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POP CULTU R E

The worst romance tropes on screen, from rom-com classics to cringey clichés

Romance &Ridiculous Tropes

trope: *a common or overused theme or device

By Polly Angelova

t is a truth universally acknowledged that a romance film in possession of a happy couple must be in want of a trope*. Regardless of what your personal feelings towards the genre are, one glaring truth cannot be ignored. More than any other category, romance relies heavily on tropes which are tired at best and cringeworthy at… well, most times. Below, we’ve rounded up the worst offenders.

The love triangle Whether it’s an existing relationship which needs to withstand the attentions of a new (or old!) suitor, or two suitors competing for the love of the main character, this trope shows up time and again. Sometimes it’s more prominent, like the Twilight saga, while other times one “angle” exists purely to add drama (see every “bitchy” girlfriend, like Maggie in The Holiday). One thing all these have in common is the cringe factor. Surely in 2021 we have found better ways to create tension than by pitting men or women against each other?

Fake dating Gotta give it to this cliché, it’s quite versatile. High-school polar opposites forced to fake a romance (To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before). Fake date to an ex’s wedding, family event or high school reunion. Employers stuck in the 50s need to see a serious relationship before handing out a promotion, because single people are notoriously untrustworthy. Or, the all-time favourite, anti-deportation marriage (The Proposal). The heroes in these stories make it look so easy, but in reality, if you suggested this madness, you’d get shot down.

“Locked room” romance This type of romantic film is particularly disaster heavy. Snow storms, delayed flights, cars breaking down, double bookings, hapless characters getting lost in the wild with only the grouchy local willing to take them to their destination? Whatever the reason for the involuntary confinement, this trope ranks high on the forced romance scale. (See: Leap Year)

Reformed rake We’ve all seen Bridgerton, so what better example for our last trope? Alas, everyone’s favourite duke is just the last in a string of romantic heroes who perpetuate the same misconception that bad boys can be transformed into doting husbands if you just love him hard enough. We hate to break it to you, dear reader, but while some men might indeed change their ways, it’s always better to approach these situations with a “once a f*ckboy, always a f*ckboy” mentality.

Still in the closet

Accidentally married You know those wild nights when you drink so much and party so hard that you wake up married to a total stranger? Me neither. But for a lot of rom-com protagonists this is standard fare, judging by the sheer amount of movies centred around such ill-advised nuptials (What Happens in Vegas). They usually take place in Vegas, between two characters who couldn’t be more different. Hilarity ensues. Except you know full well any sane person would just get an annulment and be on their way.

The workaholic & the wholesome He worked hard. She loved to bake. Can I make it any more obvious? He wore a suit. She lived in the sticks. What more can I say? He came to town, to close down her shop, but

secretly he wanted to quit his job. All will be fine, they’ll share some screen time, and he’ll be supporting all local stores. The oldest story in the book. (See: Christmas Cookies, or literally every other Hallmark film.)

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With the recent rise of LGBTQI representation in romantic films, we’re immediately seeing a formula start to emerge: one (or both) of the main characters is still not out to their family and friends, which creates friction within the couple and leads to a series of misunderstandings. This one in particular is not bad in the cheesy sense, but it gets an honorable mention in our “Worst” list because of how painful it is to watch. Haven’t come across it yet? Check out The Happiest Season or Love, Simon.

IT'S IN THE STARS ? What is your eyecolour?

Hazel

Are you a crybaby?

Do you share your smarties?

Brown

Green

Blue

Are you artsey-fartsey?

How often do you poop each day?

Are you hot-headed?

Do you like bananas?

2-3 times Are you romantic?

Can you swim?

0-1 times

Do you have a dog?

ARIES

Taurus GEMINI

cancer You shall be alone forever

This quiz will reveal which zodiac sign belongs to your SOUL STALEMATE FLOUNDER

Dear Agony Aunt, I am in desperate need of your advice. Since this pandemic started, my love life has completely dried up. At first, I thought this was a prime opportunity for me to get all cosy with the lonely ladies of my neighbourhood - every single girl needs a support bubble, right? It was extremely encouraging that my Insta-story selfies were getting all these likes, but as soon as soon as I posted about my night having a few cheeky bevvies with the lads, I started losing followers.

ear Agony aunt

When my fangirl numbers began to plummet, I tried to be proactive and started conversations with a couple of my frequent lays. They must have left their messages open and dosed off (honestly, who goes to bed before 1am?), because whenever I text them ‘U up?’, my messages are left on read with no response. Thinking they might be in need of a reminder of why I’m such a lovable, charming guy, I dropped them a couple of artistic photographs depicting my best features. For some reason this did not go down well with my female friends, a couple of whom blocked me immediately after my “gift drop”. Please help me, I don’t understand where I have gone wrong!

Dear precious flower,

Oh, to be so young and naive. But wait, you’re old enough to know better, aren’t you? Had you considered for just one moment that the people who you lead like lambs to the slaughter are, funnily enough, humans with real emotions? This pandemic has been hard enough for everyone already; nobody wants to have to deal with someone emotionally manipulating them on top of that.

Quick Fire Qs Q: Does size really matter? A: Depends. If you’re designing a rocket booster to send people to explore the galaxy... then you’ll want something on the bigger side. If you’re attempting a carbonara for one, and end up with enough pasta to feed the population of San Marino, then moderation is your friend. But if you’re looking to crotchet a beatiful blanket at home, then a few inches up or down will be safe enough for the mission you are wishing to undertake.

Also, if your “gift drop” is what I suspect you’re referring to, I hope you receive the correct comeuppance with the force of a bullet train. No-one wants unsolicited pictures of your tiny space rocket. Abort the launch, Houston. In terms of advice, all I can suggest is that you seek down a path of self-awareness. Being promiscuous is more than okay, as is monogamy. Don’t try and get the best of both worlds; do you actually want a partner, or do you just want some fun for a night?

Q: Is it really better down where it’s wetter? A: I don’t know. Have you ever been to Swansea?

Perhaps you should put your eats, shoots, and leaves facade in the past and grow up a little.

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