‘And Another Thing...’ Hannibal Lecter and the Magnet byVince Nolan Quite by accident, the current Mrs Nolan dropped the top from the toothpaste tube down the bathroom sink plug hole. The waste trap was inaccessible so ever the former boy scout (prepared), I managed to retrieve it using ingenuity and a pair of long-nosed scissors. Having used my torchlit phone to light the way I found that a nail file had also taken up residence in the same place. When questioned, She told me that she thought she had dropped it on the bathroom floor and had then accidentally hoovered it up. Not a very plausible story I think you will agree and what that might have done to Hetty, our cleaning machine, I do not know.
I could not reach the file so had a brainwave. I went to the internet of things and ordered a “super strong ring magnet” which I thought I might tie onto some string and lower it down the plug hole and thus capture the nail file. Genius. I did a track and trace on the delivery of this circular, positively charged piece of rescue equipment. It was sent from Nottingham to Cardiff to a depot and then from Cardiff to Avonmouth to another depot before being dropped off at Nolan Towers. This magnet had travelled further than I do on my holidays. Anyway, I tied string through the middle of it and carefully lowered it down the plughole. 12 CARDIFF TIMES
Of course, it caught on all the metal bits on the way down as it had been trained to do at Ninja Magnet Training School. One reassuring clang later and the nail file stuck to the magnet which I then carefully returned safely to the surface to be reunited with its grateful owner. Mission accomplished. She, by this time, had bought another nail file so my well-intentioned actions were in vain. So if anyone needs anything metallic rescuing from inaccessible areas, I am your man, depending of course, on where it is located and why. I have since found out there is a regular newsletter snappily entitled “Magnet News” with updates and articles written about forthcoming technological advances in all things magnetic. This makes watching paint dry seem positively stimulating. However, I am very pleased with our new “super strong fridge magnet.” So far we’ve got eight fridges. Believe it or not, the very same day as the great magnet rescue I was making a liver casserole, (I know, I spoil that woman). I was using the slow cooker as The Leader of the Opposition had an evening class – Assassination for Beginners or some such thing and would require feeding on her return. I was in the process of cutting up the raw liver with our biggest and sharpest knife when my phone rang and simultaneously, there was a knock at the door. Not another magnet delivery I thought to myself and went to see who it was. I am not sure what the guy was selling but the look of horror on his face told its own story. Since I was “multi-tasking” I had inadvertently opened the door still holding a long sharp carving knife that was covered in blood from the liver. To lighten the mood I casually shouted after the fast retreating figure that I was just putting the fava beans on with a chianti, (in true Hannibal Lecter style) and spent the rest of the afternoon
