Hannibal Lecter and the Magnet

‘And Another Thing...’ Hannibal Lecter and the Magnet

by Vince Nolan

Quite by accident, the current Mrs Nolan dropped the top from the toothpaste tube down the bathroom sink plug hole. The waste trap was inaccessible so ever the former boy scout (prepared), I managed to retrieve it using ingenuity and a pair of long-nosed scissors. Having used my torchlit phone to light the way I found that a nail fle had also taken up residence in the same place. When questioned, She told me that she thought she had dropped it on the bathroom foor and had then accidentally hoovered it up. Not a very plausible story I think you will agree and what that might have done to Hetty, our cleaning machine, I do not know.

I could not reach the fle so had a brainwave. I went to the internet of things and ordered a “super strong ring magnet” which I thought I might tie onto some string and lower it down the plug hole and thus capture the nail fle. Genius. I did a track and trace on the delivery of this circular, positively charged piece of rescue equipment. It was sent from Nottingham to Cardiff to a depot and then from Cardiff to Avonmouth to another depot before being dropped off at Nolan Towers. This magnet had travelled further than I do on my holidays. Anyway, I tied string through the middle of it and carefully lowered it down the plughole. Of course, it caught on all the metal bits on the way down as it had been trained to do at Ninja Magnet Training School. One reassuring clang later and the nail fle stuck to the magnet which I then carefully returned safely to the surface to be reunited with its grateful owner. Mission accomplished. She, by this time, had bought another nail fle so my well-intentioned actions were in vain. So if anyone needs anything metallic rescuing from inaccessible areas, I am your man, depending of course, on where it is located and why. I have since found out there is a regular newsletter snappily entitled “Magnet News” with updates and articles written about forthcoming technological advances in all things magnetic. This makes watching paint dry seem positively stimulating. However, I am very pleased with our new “super strong fridge magnet.” So far we’ve got eight fridges. Believe it or not, the very same day as the great magnet rescue I was making a liver casserole, (I know, I spoil that woman). I was using the slow cooker as The Leader of the Opposition had an evening class – Assassination for Beginners or some such thing and would require feeding on her return. I was in the process of cutting up the raw liver with our biggest and sharpest knife when my phone rang and simultaneously, there was a knock at the door. Not another magnet delivery I thought to myself and went to see who it was. I am not sure what the guy was selling but the look of horror on his face told its own story. Since I was “multi-tasking” I had inadvertently opened the door still holding a long sharp carving knife that was covered in blood from the liver. To lighten the mood I casually shouted after the fast retreating fgure that I was just putting the fava beans on with a chianti, (in true Hannibal Lecter style) and spent the rest of the afternoon

waiting for a visit from the local constabulary. Alas, this is a true story. In related matters: Q. Say what you see? A. Stand and deliver. Staying with food, I asked Alexa, what’s the difference between light and dark soy sauce? “Dark soy sauce is used in Chinese cooking to add colour and favour to dishes. Light is an electromagnetic radiation within a certain portion of the electromagnetic spectrum.” Cheers. Nolan Towers is located in a Cul-de-Sac, which is French, for Cul-de-Sac. It was not terribly fattering when I looked up the meaning of this French closed sack. One wit has it as “a dead-end street” or “a road leading nowhere.” Charming. Despite these unhelpful descriptors, we have some unusual neighbours whom no doubt feel the same about us. To give you some context, we simply want polite neighbours who do not make nuisances of themselves but are happy to say good morning. Not interested in their personal circumstances and do not want to go into their houses. To complete the picture, there are only 10 houses on our road and we are number 16 which is where the madness begins. In no particular order, here are some of the characters:

smacking kids law introduced in Wales for Getaway driver in a murder. His brother asked 2022. Whilst being welcomed by most right-minded people it will of course be nothing but bad news for the Cardiff under 14’s Lederhosen Formation Slap Dancing Ensemble who will no longer be slapping each other as part of their routines unless they are given him for a lift, not telling him he was about to stab to death a mutual acquaintance. To be fair, our bloke is a decent guy and was found not guilty. Then we have bizarrely dressed pagan photographers and an extra-large blacksmith special dispensation by our First Minister. who has an even larger dog. Again, seems a decent bloke but has attracted a number of Saw this in a local pub on their specials board: house calls from the forces of law and order “We Love Local and champion local farms recently. Next up, two parcel delivery blokes and fsheries.” All very laudable but the frst who spend more time delivering parcels to their item on their menu was Mediterranean Olives. garage in the dead of night than they deliver to Overheard in the same pub: “Every time we customers during a normal working day. Then come here we come here.” ou don’t say. we have another decent bloke who spends most days washing and cleaning his girlfriend’s car even though he doesn’t drive. Next cab off the rank is a family who do not converse at all with any of us. We think they may be in a witness protection programme. Finally, a few months ago we had a new couple buy the house next door. Not seen either of them since and no cars on their drive. Their house has not gone on the market, remains fully furnished and is occasionally visited by an anonymous person under cover of darkness who takes away their post or something. Maybe it’s us? A recent WalesOnline article bi arrely claimed Staying with the neighbours: I was busy in that GPs were working 40 months an hour the garden and our neighbour looked over the overtime. I have no doubt they are ridiculously stretched at present, but 40 months an hour? That’s over three years an hour. The only way to do this would be to time travel so maybe they were referring to Dr Who. In my world this fence (not the missing ones of course) and said: “What are you doing?” I said: “I’m putting all our plants in alphabetical order.” She said: “Really? I don’t know how you fnd the time.” “Oh that’s would be like driving at 40 hours a mile which easy,” I said, “It’s right next to the sage.” would be quite slow but not unlike trying to negotiate the recent traffc carnage in Cardiff Our other neighbour’s 4-year-old has been City Centre as they impose bike lanes on the learning Spanish for many months. He still rest of us. can’t say “please” though, which I think is poor for four. Finally, there is our rich neighbour who The Sainted Mother-In-Law was looking for car built himself a small ice rink. I asked if I could insurance now that her stunt driving days are have a go. He said, “It will cost you a pound.” over. I managed to fnd a reasonable policy, That’s a cheapskate I thought. sorted it out and paid for it. She in turn kindly reimbursed me with this immortal covering Adios Amigos email “Thank you, the Monet is in the bank.” I of course countered this with “There was really no need to give me a priceless impressionist painting but thank you anyway.” As we have observed when people type

across the f oor, over the worktop and onto the desk. Note the can in something wrong it is called a typo. So if I say something wrong is it called a talko? Furthermore, would a typo on a headstone be a grave error? Between typos and autocorrect it’s getting harder to post stuff these days. One tiny mistake and your whole post is urined. The world has taken a strange twist – at least Yard) to ensure that we had properly warmed up since we didn’t want to pull any drinking muscles. Unfortunately, only six of us turned up and a minimum of ten were required or the visit was off. I engaged four old-timers who were in the bar (could have been the aforementioned ones from the Taff Vale) and asked them whether they fancied having a brewery tour and free beer for the afternoon. Fearing some kind of honey trap, they took some convincing that my offer was genuine. Cautiously, they agreed to join us. Picture the the picture has not been opened (in the conventional way) and still have been quite nasty given how the parts I seem to occupy. I have been scene, 5pm on a sunny reading about a proposal for the 2027 Rugby weekday evening at the side How long have you had arthritis?” “I don’t World Cup which will prevent any team in red entrance to the Brewery on have arthritis, Father,” the drunk said, “but I shirts and green shirts playing each other because colour blind people often struggle to distinguish between the two. Not criticising them of course but this would affect Wales, Canada, Ireland, Tonga, Russia, South Africa and Japan. This had me in mind of that quote from BBC snooker commentator Ted Lowe who famously said during one of his commentaries: “And for those of you who are watching in black and white, the pink is next to the green.” Interesting lyric we heard on the wireless the other day “Sports bra and a Maserati car.” Who would have thought of that combination? Apparently many have including a poet called Dave Cox whom I have just “discovered”. Intellectual property rules prevent me quoting any of his work here but I encourage you to look him up. A real comedy genius and hugely refreshing. and a minimum of ten were required or the visit was off. I engaged four old-timers who were in the bar (could have been the Caroline Street where four pensioners who could barely stand were seen hanging onto a lamppost, for support, rather than illumination. An afternoon they would never…… remember. A drunk who smelled like a brewery got on a bus and sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a halfempty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied. "Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He Yard) to ensure that we had properly warmed up since we didn’t want to pull any drinking muscles. Unfortunately, only six of us turned up and a minimum of ten were required or the visit was off. I engaged four old-timers who were in the bar (could have been the aforementioned ones from the Taff Vale) and asked them whether they fancied having a brewery tour and free beer for the afternoon. Fearing some kind of honey trap, they took some convincing that my offer was genuine. Cautiously, they agreed to join us. Picture the scene, 5pm on a sunny weekday evening at the side entrance to the Brewery on Caroline Street where four pensioners who could barely stand were seen hanging onto a lamppost, for support, rather than illumination. An afternoon they would never…… remember. just read in the paper that the Pope does.” Staying with the drink, there has always been much snobbery attached to wine. Indeed, people make a living from it, but I am making a stand because of the lockdowns. I’m giving up wine, every day, all month. No wait, that’s not it. I’m giving up. Wine every day all month! Two people out on a frst date. “Do you like Merlot Tammy?” “Yes, but you don’t pronounce the “t.” “Oh, Ok.” Looks at waiter: “Two Merlots for me and Ammy.” Our friend Dr H has trained her dog Daisy to bring her a bottle of red wine. No surprise really, she’s a Bordeaux collie. I was sat founded in 1759 which was exactly the time it tried to shift me nearer to my maker. I drank the other three cans for health and safety reasons. I have discovered that there are only 3 shops I really need during lockdown: Specsavers, Boots and Greggs. My life is just specs and drugs and sausage rolls. I don’t know about you, but I have had enough of this lockdown malarkey. We don’t have to home school or anything like that but when the highlight of the week was taking the car for an MOT then it’s serious, particularly as we both went along for the excitement. Here’s one, what about skew-whiff? A phrase we I have also been reading Bob Mortimer’s autobiography which I also strongly recommend. Funny, poignant and very clever, but enough about me. In it he recalls a tale about having chronic fatulence as a child aforementioned ones from the Taff Vale) and asked them whether they fancied having a brewery tour and free beer for the afternoon. Fearing some kind of honey trap, returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologised: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does." A drunk who smelled like a brewery got on a bus and sat down next to a priest. The with She Who Must Be Obeyed the other day whilst she sipped a glass of wine and she said, “I love you so much, you know. I don’t know how I could ever live often hear. Apparently, it comes from the 18th Century weaving industry when something not straight was referred to as skew weft (from the warp and weft). Of which was both embarrassing and at times very painful. During one particular attack he went to the Doctors who managed to “release the pressure” for him. He quotes the Doctor as saying: “Better an empty house than a noisy tenant” which I thought was very good. Presumably this was in the days before the Doctors were working 40 months an hour. Hasta la Vista. they took some convincing that my offer was genuine. Cautiously, they agreed to join us. Picture the scene, 5pm on a sunny weekday evening at the side entrance to the Brewery on Caroline Street where four pensioners who could barely stand were seen hanging onto a lamppost, for support, rather than illumination. An afternoon they would never…… remember. A drunk who smelled like a brewery got on a bus and sat down next to a priest. Staying with the drink, there has always been much snobbery attached to wine. Indeed, people make a living from it, but I am making a stand because of the lockdowns. I’m giving up wine, every day, all month. No wait, that’s not it. I’m giving up. Wine every day all month! Two people out on a first date. “Do you like Merlot Tammy?” “Yes, but you don’t pronounce the “t.” “Oh, Ok.” Looks at waiter: “Two Merlots for me and Ammy.” Our friend Dr H has trained her dog Daisy to bring her a bottle of red wine. No surprise really, she’s a Bordeaux collie. I was sat with She Who Must Be Obeyed the other day whilst drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a halfempty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied. "Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologised: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had without you.” I said, “Is that you or the wine talking?” She said, “It’s me talking to the wine.” Finally, a blessing for the drink: God, in his goodness, sent the grapes, to cheer both great and small. Little fools will drink too much and great fools none at all. My round. course, this should not be confused with the related catawampus (look it up, I had to). A good friend and neighbour of ours, let’s call her Dr H, for that is her name, is walking out with Dr R who is no stranger to TV and radio presenting. We recently walked past their front door where a note was pinned. It said: “Please leave parcel at foot of door. Live Radio Programme Being Recorded.” Not to be outdone we rushed home and I penned the following note: “Please The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face arthritis?" "I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that was full of bright red lipstick and he had the Pope does." a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and Staying with the drink, there has always been started reading. A couple of minutes later, much snobbery attached to wine. Indeed, he asked the priest, “Father, what causes people make a living from it but I am making a

tracking and trapping skills and picked the little guy called George Wilson who was jointly up and released him back into the wild. No harm convicted of stealing mail at gunpoint done………………..well, until next door’s cat got and was sentenced to death by hanging. He refused a pardon in 1833 Staying with hunting, if I were illegally hunting for from President Andrew Jackson and mushrooms, would I have questionable morels? was executed after the Supreme Court Also, what do you call a deer who has lost both ruled he could turn it down if he wanted eyes in a hunting accident? No eye deer. I have decided that when Trump dies, I will give to. No pleasing some folk. his eulogy. I will say: “He is today how he was as Continuing President……….wearing make-up and lying in front of us. Amen.” the rope theme:I was recently asked by the son of a good friend Soap on of mine if I would write a urology for his Dad’s a rope funeral. I didn’t have the heart to say eulogy Pope on a but I knew what he meant. Anyway, here is rope what I wrote: My favourite Mike tale, (he was affectionately known as Gaddaf because of his likeness I once owned one of the chewed pencils which to the former Libyan leader), involved a trip to Paris to watch Wales play France. We Shakespeare used to write his famous works. He used had developed a 20 year relationship with to chew on it so much that I couldn’t tell whether it was a French side and played them home and 2B or not 2B. Staying with the Bard, in days gone by, in order to attract women, I used to use this quote from away on French international weekends. On Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82: this particular trip (Mike’s f rst), we did it in the old-fashioned way, a bus to Dover, ferry crossing “Hello.”and then on to Paris. I was sitting next to him. At Dover, a uniformed Customs Off cer came onto I was reading about a court case where the accused our bus and said: “Just hold up your passports was described as “having murderous intent.” I was guys and I will come along and count them and quite disappointed to learn that this had nothing to do you.” Mike turned to me and said “I didn’t know with camping.we needed a passport and I haven’t got one.” I said “oh spiff ng” or words to that effect. Then, in a Finally, sad news, my friend David has lost his ID. scene reminiscent of a World War 2 prisoner of war Now he is just Dav.escape story, Mike ducked down into the footwell Hasta La Vista Chums next to me and I piled his coat and mine on top of him. I told him not to move, whilst we were both reduced to laughing uncontrollably. The Customs guy walked the bus, did the count, missed Mike away on a St. Peter’s Rugby Club bus is anybody’s guess but it would certainly have caused a major diplomatic incident. Just to be clear: Did you hear about the urologist who was eaten by a bear? He was a meteorologist (meaty urologist, oh please yourselves). The Leader of the Opposition and I were sitting in our socially distanced local, The Funky Furlough, when a lady close by to us asked the Bar Manager if the toilets were still upstairs. He of course conf rmed that they were but I thought this to be a very stupid question. I would have said something like: “I don’t know

I know I have written about sell-buy dates before when madam was but a recent trip to my local supermarket on a Friday last with us but we revealed almost no perishables that would make the following Monday. In fact I had some doubt whether they would make it to the car for the journey home. moved them out to the car park many What is going on because it’s nothing to do with EU months ago as a supply issues? Closer inspection of the packaging direct consequence revealed countries of origin for fruit and veg like of Covid19.” Perhaps Tanzania and Argentina. So these comestibles this is why I do not run are cultivated in exotic climes, picked, packaged, a pub. taken to the port or airport, distributed around UK A wife sent her warehouses then delivered to the shops and put on husband a romantic the shelves with one day left on the sell-buy date. It text message. She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send takes an inordinate amount of skill to supply goods me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your “just-in-time” with 24 hours to spare. Waste levels smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are must be astronomical. drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me

Staying with food, I have been doing some research your tears. I love you.” Her husband texted back: “ into what is no longer manufactured in the UK. The I’m in the toilet, please advise.” list is endless but here is a small sample: Pringles (Belgium), Smarties (Canada), Colman’s English Happy New Year Dear Reader, the Year of the Mustard (Germany), Terrys Chocolate Orange Ox. Apparently this year is going to be lucky (France) and HP (Houses of Parliament) Sauce (The with the Ox representing diligence, persistence Netherlands). Staggering. and honesty. Not for going to be Trump’s year

Here’s one for you: “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” then is it? “Little old lady.” “Little old lady who?” “I had no idea

I am a man of a certain age so my tolerance threshold does not work as well as it used to particularly when being asked to embrace new technology. I was therefore heartened when She Who Must Be Obeyed suggested I download a new Talking of intolerance, I am led to believe that the term heckler originated from the textile trade, where to heckle was to tease or comb-out fax or hemp fbres. The modern meaning was coined in Dundee in the early 19th century. As the hecklers toiled in the factory, one of the team would read out the days’ news and the others would butt in with constant interruptions and a stream of “furious debate.” With this in mind I have collated some quality put-downs which comics have used to deal with modern day hecklers: Ricky Tomlinson “What size of shoe does your mouth take?” “This is what comes from drinking on an empty head.” “I know where you were when they were handing I recently had a great Zoom call with Mark Dacey (on the leS) who is the dynamic CEO of the brains out………getting an extra helping of Neath Port Talbot Group of Colleges. It does not need me to suggest the uncanny resemblance he has to actor Ricky Tomlinson or vice versa. mouth.” “Do you know, if you wore soundproof trousers no I know I have wriKen about sell-buy dates before but a recent trip to my local supermarket one would hear a word you’re saying.” on a Friday revealed almost no perishables that would make the following Monday. In fact I “Is that your real face or are you still celebrating one day leS on the sell-buy date. It takes an inordinate amount of skill to supply goods just-had some doubt whether they would make it to the car for the journey home. What is going Halloween?” in-@me with hours to spare. Waste levels must be astronomical. on because it’s nothing to do with EU supply issues? Closer inspec@on of the packaging “Your bus leaves in 10 minutes... Be under it.” Staying with food, I have been doing some research into what is no longer manufactured in revealed countries of origin for fruit and veg like Tanzania and Argen@na. So these the UK. The list is endless but here is a small sample Pringles ( elgium), Smar@es (Canada), are cul@vated in exo@c climes, picked, packaged, taken to the port or airport, “Well, it’s a night out for him.. and a night of for his Colman’s English Mustard ( Germany), Terrys Chocolate Orange (France) and P ( ouses of distributed around UK warehouses then delivered to the shops and put on the shelves with family.” Parliament) Sauce (The Netherlands). Staggering. ere’s one for you Knock knock. Who’s there? iKle old lady. iKle old lady who? “I need you like Van Gogh needed stereo.” I had no idea you could yodel. I walked into our local bar, The Moaning Monet and I am a man of a certain age so my tolerance threshold does work as well as it used to saw Van Gogh sitting at the end on a bar stool. I par@cularly when being asked to embrace new technology. I was therefore heartened when shouted “Hey Vince do you want a drink?” She Who Must e Obeyed suggested I download a new app called What Words. This is a naviga@on aid which divides the World into metre s uares and gives each s uare a uni ue He shouted back: “No thanks, I’ve already got one combina@on of three words. I s@ll drive about a lot for business, believe it or not and I was ear.” assured that this system would be much more accurate than using our sat nav. I used it for the rst @me the other day and the uni ue three word loca@on I was looking for was ou Adios Amigos Are ost Design fault or user error? CARDIFF TIMES 13