And Another Thing

from Cardiff Times February 2020

Find Joy In February

literally, royal

You will forgive me my Chums as I have touched on this subject before but I am literally fed up with people saying literally in every single sentence they utter. This goes right across the media, business and amongst friends. Let’s go back to school. Literally does not mean I was literally going to Tesco and I literally went to the car and I literally opened the door. Please stop and stop now. I admit I am a man of a certain age who has never seen and will never see the “celebrity factories” which are The Jungle, Big Brother, Love Island, Strictly, The X Factor, Britain’s Got Talent, Geordie Shore, Made in Chelsea et al which have spawned this new vernacular but please, literally no more.

I realised that my friend’s five-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative's wedding. As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to me and said: "Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?"

Staying with “Celebs” I have some reality TV show ideas of my own: Celebrity Join the Dots (Celebs have to draw an identifiable picture on a leopard in London Zoo without being maimed). Celebrity Supermarket Theft (The winner is the celeb who has the highest value of stolen goods in their trolley without being caught). The Chase (see previous suggestion). Pointless (Blunt Darts). Countdown (10 seconds for the right answer or blasted into space). The Great British Bake Off (Start a fire in Pudding Lane in London and see how far it spreads). Celebrity Squares (Really boring celebs). Bullseye (Abattoir based show). The Weakest Link (Follows the previous show for sausage based fun). That ought to do it, literally.

Staying with games, the term ''Smart Alec'' apparently came from the exploits of Alec Hoag, a celebrated New York con man from the 1840s. He and his wife Melinda and an accomplice known as French Jack, operated a con called the Panel Game, a method by which prostitutes and their pimps robbed customers. Not sure how you become celebrated as a con man but enough about President Trump.

I am not a Royalist but the alternative system is far worse (see above paragraph). However, I must confess to having huge sympathy with The Duke and Duchess of Suffolk. Harry was only 12 years old when he watched his Mother hounded into an early and violent death by an aggressive and out of control paparazzi. He was then made to walk through the streets of London behind her coffin, filmed by the same people. Fast-forward to when he voluntarily spent 10 years in the Army which involved front-line action on two tours of Afghanistan. History has given us wastrel, alcoholic and womanising princes, Nazi sympathisers, despotic kings and queens and short memories. I for one am glad they have said enough. Good luck to them.

I do not do man-flu (ask the Current Mrs Nolan) nor do I believe that it exists, but I have been laid pretty low recently with a chest infection which was not treated for many weeks as I was unable to convince my GP that I was at death’s door. Finally, I presented myself at the surgery dressed in a shroud, carrying a wreath and had booked the crematorium, (I had cleverly asked him to do the

eulogy). He examined me once again and concluded that I had a chest infection and I was saved by some delightful anti-biotics. So far in 2020 I have had arrythmia, low iron, low calcium and a chest infection. Not wanting to be a martyr to such nothings but we also went through dry January which I suspect is why I was ill in the first place.

Spike Milligan wanted the following on his tombstone: “I told you I was ill.” Whilst Oscar Wilde on his deathbed was reported to have said: “The wallpaper is terrible. One of us will have to go.” Well unfortunately for you I am not going anywhere just yet.

Staying with the gallows humour for a minute: A man goes to the doctor and receives a dire diagnosis: “you’ll definitely die from this. I’m estimating you should still have around 50”

“Five what doctor? Five years? Months? Days???”

“4...3...2... “

I read with great interest that Dyfed Powys Police are introducing electric cars. Great idea in the Brecon Beacons where there are no charging points or mobile coverage.

I overheard this in a Tesco café (another business lunch): “Well Dave wants a spray tan for the wedding on Saturday.” “What’s wrong with that?” “He is 84.”

Staying with our older citizens, I was awaiting the arrival of the Sainted Mother-in-Law at the weekly pub quiz at The Happy Undertaker and I listened to two guys who were well into their 80’s. One said to the other: “Any love interest?” His mate said: “Well the man across the road just died so she’s going to be available. There’s another widow on the corner but she’s not my type.” What a pulse and poor I thought to myself?

Finally, this from our friends at Visit Wales:

Assembly Member, Helen Mary Jones, recently claimed that under Plaid Cymru, Wales would win the Rugby World Cup because they would invest more money in rugby. Really? She went on to say that further developing the sport would bring increased health benefits. On reflection, some of us could probably do with increased health benefits, me included.

Of course there is now a huge move to veganism with both Greggs and MacDonald’s embracing the veg but you know, I’ve always thought that turning vegan is a big missed steak. Very recently I trapped a couple of vegans in our cellar. At least I think they were vegan. They kept shouting 'lettuce leaf!'