20 minute read
Chicken in a Basket or Soup on the Floor
Chicken in a Basket or Soup on the Floor
by Vince Nolan
Let me explain. Picture the scene at Nolan Towers. Man, the hunter, returns from a hard few hours tracking down prey at Tesco (other supermarkets are available). The Current Mrs Nolan welcomes the arrival of comestibles and prepares to store them away. Alas and alack a particularly lively cream of mushroom soup makes a break for it and lands on the floor, covering it, She, and the kitchen units. All was not lost Dear Reader as the mushroom colour worked rather well with our ice-blue wooden units thus introducing a whole new colour palette. My how we laughed, me and the Soup Dragon. Staying with supermarkets, recent examination of newly purchased asparagus (I’ve been locked down too long) told me that it came from Peru. Since it only cost £1, I wondered about the economics of all this, never mind the green footprint, all 6,300 miles of it. Turns out Peru is the largest exporter of fresh asparagus in the world selling 99% of the crop into overseas markets. The moral of this tale seems to be don’t ask for fresh asparagus in a restaurant in Lima as the gales of laughter and price may upset you.
In a previous issue of this splendid publication my fellow columnist Michael James very Let me explain. kindly said some complementary things about Picture the scene my writings. We do indeed seem to share a at Nolan Towers. Man, the hunter, lot of experiences and tastes. He recently returns from a wrote about the Capitol Cinema on Queen hard few hours Street which I remember well. One of my first tracking down prey at Tesco (other dates as a 16-year-old, (I went to a Catholic supermarkets are School remember), was scheduled for the available). The Current Mrs Nolan Capitol. The Never To Become Mrs Nolan and welcomes the I queued for more than an hour to see Jaws. arrival of All very romantic. We were next to go in when comesCbles and prepares to store the manager came up to us and told us the them away. Alas cinema was full. That was the end of that. She and alack a parCcularly lively married a mate of mine and I still haven’t seen cream of Jaws. I think I was the only person ever to be mushroom soup traumatised from not having seen it. makes a break for it and lands on the floor, covering it, In related matters, marine biologists have She, and the always wondered why sharks swim away after kitchen units. All chomping off swimmers’ feet. Turns out they was not lost Dear Reader as the are lack toes intolerant.mushroom colour worked rather well We recently managed to take the high moral with our ice-blue ground, a location we don’t often occupy. Like wooden units thus introducing a many of you, lockdown meant the weekly whole new colour embarrassment of stealthily trying to put out paleJe. My how we laughed, me the recycling within earshot of our neighbours. and the Soup Dragon. Staying with supermarkets, recent examinaCon of newly purchased asparagus (I’ve been locked down too long) told me that it came from
Chicken in a Basket or Soup on the Floor
Let me explain. Picture the scene at Nolan Towers. Man returns from a hard few hours tracking down prey at Tesco (other supermarkets are available). The Current Mrs Nolan welcomes the arrival of comesCbles and prepares to store them away. Alas and alack a parCcularly lively cream of mushroom soup makes a break for it and lands on the floor, covering it, She, kitchen units. All was not lost Dear Reader as the mushroom colour worked rather well with our ice-blue wooden units thus
Yard) to ensure that we had properly warmed up since we didn’t want to pull any drinking muscles. Unfortunately, only six of us turned up and a minimum of ten were required or the visit was off. I engaged four old-timers who were in the bar (could have been the aforementioned ones from the Taff Vale) and asked them whether they fancied having a brewery tour and free beer for the afternoon. Fearing some kind of honey trap, they took some convincing that my offer was genuine. Cautiously, they agreed to join us. Picture the scene, 5pm on a sunny weekday evening at the side entrance to the Brewery on Caroline Street where four Yard) to ensure that we had properly warmed up since we didn’t want to pull any drinking pensioners who could barely stand were seen hanging onto a lamppost, for support, rather muscles. Unfortunately, only six of us turned up and a minimum of ten were required or the visit was off. I engaged four old-timers who were in the bar (could have been the than illumination. An aforementioned ones from the Taff Vale) and asked them whether they fancied having a afternoon they would brewery tour and free beer for the afternoon. Fearing some kind of honey trap, they took never…… remember. some convincing that my offer was genuine. Cautiously, they agreed to join us. Picture the A drunk who smelled like a scene, 5pm on a sunny brewery got on a bus and sat weekday evening at the side down next to a priest. The entrance to the Brewery on drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a halfCaroline Street where four pensioners who could barely empty bottle of wine sticking stand were seen hanging onto out of his pocket. He opened a lamppost, for support, rather and a minimum of ten were required or the visit was off. I engaged four old-timers his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and than illumination. An afternoon they would who were in the bar (could have been the contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied. "Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He never…… remember. aforementioned ones from the Taff Vale) returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the and asked them whether they fancied having a brewery tour and free beer for the man and apologised: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does." A drunk who smelled like a brewery got on a bus and sat afternoon. Fearing some kind of honey trap, down next to a priest. The they took some convincing that my offer was Staying with the drink, there has always been drunk's shirt was stained, his genuine. Cautiously, they agreed to join us. Picture the scene, 5pm on a sunny weekday evening at the side entrance to the Brewery much snobbery attached to wine. Indeed, people make a living from it, but I am making a stand because of the lockdowns. I’m giving up wine, every day, all month. No wait, that’s not face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a halfempty bottle of wine sticking on Caroline Street where four pensioners it. I’m giving up. Wine every day all month! out of his pocket. He opened who could barely stand were seen hanging onto a lamppost, for support, rather than Two people out on a first date. “Do you like Merlot Tammy?” “Yes, but you don’t pronounce his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?" illumination. An afternoon they would “Oh, Ok.” Looks at waiter: “Two "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and never…… remember. Merlots for me and Ammy.” contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied. "Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He A drunk who smelled like a brewery got Our friend Dr H has trained her dog Daisy to bring her a bottle of red wine. No surprise returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the on a bus and sat down next to a priest. really, she’s a Bordeaux collie. I was sat with She Who Must Be Obeyed the other day whilst man and apologised: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face arthritis?" "I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that was full of bright red lipstick and he had the Pope does." How long have you had arthritis?” “I don’t have arthritis, Father,” the drunk said, “but I founded in 1759 which was exactly the time it tried to just read in the paper that the Pope does.” shift me nearer to my maker. I drank the other three Staying with the drink, there has always been much snobbery attached to wine. Indeed, people make a living from it, I have discovered that there are only 3 shops I really but I am making a stand because of the need during lockdown: Specsavers, Boots and lockdowns. I’m giving up wine, every day, all Greggs. My life is just specs and drugs and sausage month. No wait, that’s not it. I’m giving up. Wine every day all month! rolls. I don’t know about you, but I have had enough of this lockdown malarkey. We don’t have to home school Two people out on a first date. “Do you like Merlot Tammy?” “Yes, but you don’t or anything like that but when the highlight of the pronounce the “t.” “Oh, Ok.” Looks at week was taking the car for an MOT then it’s serious, waiter: “Two Merlots for me and Ammy.” particularly as we both went along for the excitement. Our friend Dr H has trained her dog Daisy to bring her a bottle of red wine. No surprise Here’s one, what about skew-whiff? A phrase we really, she’s a Bordeaux collie. I was sat often hear. Apparently, it comes from the 18th Century with She Who Must Be Obeyed the other weaving industry when something not straight was day whilst she sipped a glass of wine and she said, “I love you so much, you referred to as skew weft (from the warp and weft). Of know. I don’t know how I could ever live course, this should not be confused with the related without you.” I said, “Is that you or the wine talking?” She said, “It’s me talking to the A good friend and neighbour of ours, let’s call her Dr wine.” H, for that is her name, is walking out with Dr R who Finally, a blessing for the drink: God, in his is no stranger to TV and radio presenting. We recently goodness, sent the grapes, to cheer both walked past their front door where a note was pinned. great and small. Little fools will drink too much and great fools none at all. My round. It said: “Please leave parcel at foot of door. Live Radio Programme Being Recorded.” Not to be outdone we rushed home and I penned the following note: “Please
up and released him back into the wild. No harm convicted of stealing mail at gunpoint done………………..well, until next door’s cat got and was sentenced to death by hanging. He refused a pardon in 1833 Staying with hunting, if I were illegally hunting for from President Andrew Jackson and mushrooms, would I have questionable morels? was executed after the Supreme Court Also, what do you call a deer who has lost both ruled he could turn it down if he wanted eyes in a hunting accident? No eye deer. I have decided that when Trump dies, I will give to. No pleasing some folk. his eulogy. I will say: “He is today how he was as Continuing President……….wearing make-up and lying in front the rope theme:I was recently asked by the son of a good friend Soap on of mine if I would write a urology for his Dad’s a rope funeral. I didn’t have the heart to say eulogy Pope on a but I knew what he meant. Anyway, here is ropeMy favourite Mike tale, (he was affectionately known as Gaddafi because of his likeness I once owned one of the chewed pencils which to the former Libyan leader), involved a trip to Paris to watch Wales play France. We Shakespeare used to write his famous works. He used had developed a 20 year relationship with to chew on it so much that I couldn’t tell whether it was a French side and played them home and 2B or not 2B. Staying with the Bard, in days gone by, in order to attract women, I used to use this quote from away on French international weekends. On Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82: this particular trip (Mike’s fi rst), we did it in the old-fashioned way, a bus to Dover, ferry crossing “Hello.”and then on to Paris. I was sitting next to him. At Dover, a uniformed Customs Offi cer came onto I was reading about a court case where the accused our bus and said: “Just hold up your passports was described as “having murderous intent.” I was guys and I will come along and count them and quite disappointed to learn that this had nothing to do you.” Mike turned to me and said “I didn’t know with camping.we needed a passport and I haven’t got one.” I said “oh spiffi ng” or words to that effect. Then, in a Finally, sad news, my friend David has lost his ID. scene reminiscent of a World War 2 prisoner of war Now he is just Dav.escape story, Mike ducked down into the footwell Hasta La Vista Chums next to me and I piled his coat and mine on top of him. I told him not to move, whilst we were both reduced to laughing uncontrollably. The Customs guy walked the bus, did the count, missed Mike guess but it would certainly have caused a major diplomatic incident. Just to be clear: Did you hear about the urologist who was eaten by a bear? He was a meteorologist (meaty urologist, oh please yourselves). The Leader of the Opposition and I were sitting in our socially distanced local, The Funky Furlough, when a lady close by to us asked the Bar Manager if the toilets were still upstairs. He of course confi rmed that they were but I thought this to be a very stupid question. I would have said something like: “I don’t know
I know I have written about sell-buy dates before when madam was but a recent trip to my local supermarket on a Friday last with us but we revealed almost no perishables that would make the following Monday. In fact I had some doubt whether they would make it to the car for the journey home. moved them out to the car park many What is going on because it’s nothing to do with EU months ago as a supply issues? Closer inspection of the packaging direct consequence revealed countries of origin for fruit and veg like of Covid19.” Perhaps Tanzania and Argentina. So these comestibles this is why I do not run are cultivated in exotic climes, picked, packaged, a pub. taken to the port or airport, distributed around UK A wife sent her warehouses then delivered to the shops and put on husband a romantic the shelves with one day left on the sell-buy date. It text message. She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send takes an inordinate amount of skill to supply goods me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your “just-in-time” with 24 hours to spare. Waste levels smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me
Staying with food, I have been doing some research your tears. I love you.” Her husband texted back: “ into what is no longer manufactured in the UK. The I’m in the toilet, please advise.” list is endless but here is a small sample: Pringles (Belgium), Smarties (Canada), Colman’s English Happy New Year Dear Reader, the Year of the Mustard (Germany), Terrys Chocolate Orange Ox. Apparently this year is going to be lucky (France) and HP (Houses of Parliament) Sauce (The with the Ox representing diligence, persistence
and honesty. Not for going to be Trump’s year
Here’s one for you: “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” then is it? “Little old lady.” “Little old lady who?” “I had no idea
I am a man of a certain age so my tolerance threshold does not work as well as it used to to heckle was to tease or comb-out flax or hemp fibres. The modern meaning was coined in Dundee With nowhere to hide in a cul-de-sac, the in the early 19th century. As the hecklers toiled in clinking of empty wine bottles and beer cans the factory, one of the team would read out the days’ news and the others would butt in with constant had become a commonplace arrangement in scenes reminiscent of Heidi bringing the goats down from high pasture with their interruptions and a stream of “furious debate.” With bells tinkling. However, we recently had a this in mind I have collated some quality put-downs dry month (well 3 weeks) so there were no which comics have used to deal with modern day hecklers: sounds coming from our refuse. The binmen must have thought we had moved. We were shamed putting our recycling out with no “What size of shoe does your mouth take?”Ricky Tomlinson clinking or clanking. The neighbours looked worried. Still, back to normal now since the “This is what comes from drinking on an empty pubs have “opened” and the previous hernia grabbing volumes of recycles are no more. On head.” a green note, the UK landfills 129,000 tons of glass bottles per annum so our recycling “I know where you were when they were handing I recently had a great Zoom call with Mark Dacey (on the leS) who is the dynamic CEO of attempts during lockdown made a smallish the brains out………getting an extra helping of Neath Port Talbot Group of Colleges. It does not need me to suggest the uncanny dent in that (and in a few cans). mouth.”resemblance he has to actor Ricky Tomlinson or vice versa. I used to work in a shoe recycling shop...it was sole destroying. Oh, and I’m trying to start a “Do you know, if you wore soundproof trousers no I know I have wriKen about sell-buy dates before but a recent trip to my local supermarket chewing gum recycling company...I just need one would hear a word you’re saying.” on a Friday revealed almost no perishables that would make the following Monday. In fact I a little help getting it off the ground. “Is that your real face or are you still celebrating one day leS on the sell-buy date. It takes an inordinate amount of skill to supply goods “just-had some doubt whether they would make it to the car for the journey home. What is going Pubs being “open” again has presented a welcome return to the much missed Halloween?” in-@me” with 24 hours to spare. Waste levels must be astronomical. on because it’s nothing to do with EU supply issues? Closer inspec@on of the packaging eavesdrop. So there we were in our local “Your bus leaves in 10 minutes... Be under it.” Staying with food, I have been doing some research into what is no longer manufactured in the UK. The list is endless but here is a small sample: Pringles (Belgium), Smar@es (Canada), revealed countries of origin for fruit and veg like Tanzania and Argen@na. So these are cul@vated in exo@c climes, picked, packaged, taken to the port or airport, hostelry, The Three-Legged Mare (still known locally as The Wonky Donkey), when a loud and obnoxious customer shared his views “Well, it’s a night out for him.. and a night off for his Colman’s English Mustard ( Germany), Terrys Chocolate Orange (France) and HP (Houses of distributed around UK warehouses then delivered to the shops and put on the shelves with with all in earshot. It went as follows: “I went family.” Parliament) Sauce (The Netherlands). Staggering. to Cardiff once, on my own, as I don’t trust Here’s one for you: “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “LiKle old lady.” “LiKle old lady who?” Birmingham.” This was said from a beer “I need you like Van Gogh needed stereo.”“I had no idea you could yodel.” garden in Newport, so he was quite the adventurous traveller. It remained unclear I walked into our local bar, The Moaning Monet and I am a man of a certain age so my tolerance threshold does work as well as it used to whether the Birmingham he referred to was saw Van Gogh sitting at the end on a bar stool. I par@cularly when being asked to embrace new technology. I was therefore heartened when the city or somebody he worked with called shouted “Hey Vince do you want a drink?” She Who Must Be Obeyed suggested I download a new app called What3Words. This is a naviga@on aid which divides the World into 3 metre squares and gives each square a unique Birmingham. It quickly became apparent that he was not on his own for no reason. He shouted back: “No thanks, I’ve already got one ear.” combina@on of three words. I s@ll drive about a lot for business, believe it or not and I was assured that this system would be much more accurate than using our sat nav. I used it for He followed this up with “Nothing good ever comes out of France.” I proffered The Chanel Tunnel, which was of course wasted on him the first @me the other day and the unique three word loca@on I was looking for was “You (but not on you). We doubted very much if he Adios Amigos Are Lost!” Design fault or user error? had any French Connections given that Cardiff seemed a bit of a step for him. I know that the delightful Molly Dutton writes the fashion pages in this splendid publication, but the current Mrs Nolan and I witnessed a whole new look for the Summer Season on Newport Road the other day. A guy aged circa 65 was sporting hiking boots, brown socks, denim shorts, a full-length woollen Crombie style coat and a bowler hat. He was going into the local Doctor’s surgery. Now the bowler was once known as a Coke which might explain everything. This morning I woke up with a really stiff neck. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was white as a sheet, I had a big red nose, bright red fuzzy hair and a bowler hat on top. I turned on the tap and glitter poured out. Then I realised what had happened…I had slept funny. Scotland is famed for its fishing amongst other things. Hardly surprising when its two First Ministers have been called Salmon(d) and Sturgeon. No more fish in that particular sea as I have checked their MSP list. There is a Wheelhouse, a Lochhead and a Gil Paterson but that’s as piscine as it gets. Finally, saw this the other day from a local estate agent: ”A fantastic opportunity to purchase a two-bedroom detached coach house in a derisable and quiet residential area.” Top tip pal, you would have a better chance of selling a house if it were in a desirable rather than derisable area. Hasta La Vista Chums
kitchen units. All was not lost Dear Reader as the mushroom colour worked rather well with our ice-blue wooden units thus introducing a whole new colour paleJe. My how we laughed, me and the Soup Dragon. Staying with supermarkets, recent examinaCon of newly purchased asparagus (I’ve been locked down too long) told me that it came from CARDIFF TIMES 15
