Happy Ever After

‘And Another Thing...’ Happy Ever AfterBy Vince Nolan

Once upon a time there was a handsome Prince called Tom (Son and Heir) who travelled the world in search of a Princess (Qatar, Sydney, New York and Splott). It was difficult to meet a Qatari Princess and as for the Aussies, well Kylie was about as close they get to royalty Down Under. However, upon journeying to New York he met Princess Shannon. It was love at first sight. I lied about that bit. They met in a karaoke bar and she accused him of stealing her purse. Now when this came from an armed New York Cop, it did not bode well for future international relations. However, it seems that we will have future international relations (see what I did there) because, on a recent visit home, Prince Tom proposed to Princess Shannon at the romantic fairy tale location of Castell Coch and hurrah, she agreed to marry him.

The above visit coincided with Wales playing rugby against Australia and so She Who Must Be Obeyed and I, along with the Prince and Princess attended the game, Shannon’s first. The highlight of the day was that unbeknownst to us, Shannon had learnt our National Anthem and was word and note perfect. Apparently, she had been playing it for weeks in her patrol car and her fellow officer had also learnt it by repetition. They must be the only two cops in New York who can sing our anthem (unless you know differently of course).

All of which brings us round very nicely to the “TV star” formerly known as Prince (Harry). Apart from his self-appointed monopoly of mourning for his late mother, the fairy tale is complete because a prince of the realm brought up in palaces and married to a movie star has somehow become “a victim.” Oh Hollywood! Apparently, Meghan Markle once asked the Queen “What’s the secret of a long life?” To which the Queen replied, “Wear a seat belt and don’t annoy me, there’s a dear.” The Current Mrs Nolan and I were recently asked to leave Wren Kitchens because we were dancing all over the display units as per the advert. Some people do not have a sense of humour at all. She’s now gone and locked herself in the kitchen after an argument over how cheap and miserable I’ve become of late. She’s in there now, ripping all the plates in half.

In a related dancing matter, we attended our Great Niece’s third birthday party complete with hordes of youngsters with seemingly inexhaustible energy charging round a local football club and dancing along to their very own DJ. Never one to be shy when music is being played, She joined in giving her interpretation of the Baby Shark dance (don’t ask).

She won first prize and here is the proof. Yes, the opposition were all three-year-olds but a win is a win and a life lesson for them. Ha ha.

Staying with things musical and birthdays, sisters Patti and Mildred Hill wrote Happy Birthday To You in the 1890’s which is now owned by Warner Music. Alas these ladies were one hit wonders. They had little success with follow ups Happy Easter To You and Happy Thanksgiving To You but Warner make about $2m per year in royalties for public broadcasts of the song. Nice. So, what do penguins sing on a birthday? Freeze a jolly good fellow!

We spent a rather splendid weekend in Devon recently but the live pub music we had booked in to see was cancelled because England were playing football in the World Cup, apparently. My how we smiled (eventually). Our hotel also employed stealth cleaners. We popped down to breakfast one morning (I know, I spoil that woman) and upon returning to our room some 30 minutes later it had been cleaned and restocked. Never saw a cleaner and never heard a sound. Very impressive.

Unfortunately, a hotel is only as good as its clientele. We were told by the wonderful staff at the above premises that some complainant had turned to Crypt Advisor to complain about his food. He was then joined by another 160 anonymous scumbags who had never visited the place. When the original complainant was challenged about his comments he said, “he was only joking.” I would have banned him for life. Mind you we ordered the venison loin which we thought was Bambi………a little dear.

Here’s a picture puzzle for you: Say what you see.* Overheard a guy in the above-mentioned establishment saying he had just bought a Porsche Boxter sports car as he had sold an old Picasso. Now I am no art expert, but I figured the sale of a Picasso would have given him better options than a Boxter and enough change to buy a villa in the South of France. Turns out it was a Citroen Picasso he sold. The Leader of the Opposition’s boss showed up for work in a new Porsche. She said: “What an amazing car.” He replied, “Yeah - if you work really hard, put lots of hours in and strive for excellence at all times, I should be able to get another one next year.”

Continuing the motoring theme, I recently attended a meeting with a client and the Government in North Wales. My client turned up driving a new £200,000 Bentley Bentayga 4x4. I suggested he park it around the back since we were there to ask for a grant for his business. Having said this, the Bentley website tells me that an optional extra for this vehicle is a Breitling dashboard clock for £102,000. Bargain. No doubt Harry and Meghan have many such clocks to go with their many faces.

Finally, a request, please can we stop mangling the English language:

• All that glisters is not gold according to

Chaucer and Shakespeare. Apparently

“glitters” has now been substituted for glisters (not Gary one hopes).

• The proof is in the pudding. No it bleeding isn’t. The proof of the pudding is in the eating.

• Look before you’re cheap. How true.

• A trouble shared is a trouble doubled.

• A bird in the hand is worth two in the b……… probably not.

Happy New Year Chums.

* Yep, Neighbourhood Watch.

Cardiff Times January - Page 1 Editorial_Layout 1 22/12/2022 16:31 Page 1 On behalf of everyone at St David’s Hall, we hope you had a wonderful Christmas, and once again we would like to extend our huge thanks for your continued loyal support. As ever, we have a brilliantly diverse programme to fend off the January blues, and there’s much more to get excited about elsewhere in 2023 at the National Concert Hall of Wales.

The month starts in style with the ultimate tribute to The King of Rock'n'Roll in A Vision of Elvis (Sat 7 Jan) as Rob Kingsley reels off all the hits from Suspicious Minds to The Wonder of You. Likewise, there are terrific tributes in the Johnny Cash Roadshow (Fri 20 Jan) and Luther (Fri 27 Jan). Plus, if you want the guitar amps cranked up to 11, look no further than The Classic Rock Show (Thurs 26 Jan) and Anything for Love: The Meat Loaf Story (Sat 18 March). Strictly addicts are in for a treat with Johannes Radebe (Fri 14 Apr), Giovanni Pernice (Sun 16 Apr), Nadiya & Kai (Sun 23 Apr) and Anton Du Beke (Sun 7 May), while opera fans can revel in the grandeur of Verdi’s Aida (Weds 1 Feb) and Puccini’s Madama Butterfly (Fri 21 Apr). The Hall is the place to be as ever for superb stand-up comedy starting with two nights of Stewart Lee (Tues 24 - Weds 25 Jan). Likewise, Paul Smith (Weds 6 - Thurs 7 Sept) performs two extra dates after his January shows sold out. There’s also panel show regulars Sara Pascoe (Sat 1 Apr) and Phil Wang (Sat 3 June),and Edinburgh Fringe favourites Foil, Arms & Hog (Fri 29 Sept). Plus, there’s quickfire gags in I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue (Sun 19 March), and the outrageous Haters Roast (Sat 8 Apr) won’t be for the faint-hearted with nine of the world’s biggest drag acts involved! There are huge names in the music world too. Soul superstar Billy Ocean (Mon 27 March) presents a career-spanning set, while James (Weds 26 Apr) play their most beloved hits and hidden gems with stunning, reworked orchestral arrangements. KT Tunstall (Mon 6 March), Ward Thomas (Tues 11 Apr) and Katie Melua (Tues 9 May) all air tunes off their brilliant new albums, while Gabrielle (Thurs 26 Oct) celebrates 30 years of her chart-topping debut single, Dreams. Also marking three decades in the music industry is Suzanne Vega (Sun 26 Feb), and there are the incredible velvet voices of James Williams (Thurs 23 March) and Alfie Boe (Thurs 10 Oct). Prog-rock devotees will love The Musical Box (Weds 15 Feb) and Mike + The Mechanics (Weds 10 May), while Scott Bradlee’s Postmodern Jukebox (Weds 19 Apr) brings an innovative pop-jazz twist to modern sounds. Plus, there’s a chance to experience Tubular Bells (Fri 3 Feb) in its entirety with every note of Mike Oldfield’s classic album replicated with remarkable attention to detail for its 50th anniversary. There’s our usual healthy helping of breathtaking classical music too. The BBC National Orchestra of Wales perform a live accompaniment to Disney’s Fantasia (Sun 15 Jan) before returning for a special St David’s Day Celebration (Weds 1 March) and a Gaming Concert (Weds 17 May) featuring favourites from Fortnite to Fallout 4! Plus, our Cardiff Classical Series continues with the Philharmonia Orchestra (Sat 25 Feb) and The Hallé (Sat 20 May). On our 40th anniversary weekend, we’ve got Wynne Evans (Fri 17 Feb) and Prue Leith (Sat 18 Feb). For something a bit different, there’s the world’s greatest living explorer Sir Ranulph Fiennes (Weds 27 Sept) and Turner Prize-winning contemporary artist Grayson Perry (Thurs 12 Oct), and it may be wise to book tickets for Zog (Weds 22 - Thurs 23 Feb) to keep the little ones entertained during the half-term holidays!