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ISSUE 44 VOLUME 9
SPECIAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE EDITION
From Crisis to Confidence:
VISIT US AT: WWW.CAWNYC.COM
Providing a Roadmap at the Brooklyn District Attorney’s Office’s Family Justice Center
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BY HON. CHARLES J. HYNES, KINGS COUNTY DISTRICT ATTORNEY
arly one morning in March of 2011, Rose (not her real name) went to a community-based agency, which was connected with our Family Justice Center (FJC) for help. Her husband had strangled her the previous night and was arrested. Luckily, she was seen by a community advocate who spoke her language (Haitian Creole) and who had recently attended one of our trainings on identifying strangulation victims and the new strangulation laws. The advocate took out her strangulation questionnaire from the training
and asked the client many questions about her health. This discussion revealed that the client was suffering from throat hoarseness, blackouts, swelling and many other symptoms that could signify serious injury. Because of her immigration status, Rose was uncomfortable going to the emergency room. The advocate called the FJC and with the client’s permission, briefed a staff member on the case. That was the beginning of creating a roadmap to help guide Rose through this crisis. Rose first spoke to an immigration attorney at the Family Justice Center to determine what her rights were as an undocumented person at local hospitals. Next my prosecutor/ social work response team — whose
expertise is in strangulation — got involved and together the team determined which hospital was the best
HOT Domestic Violence: A Hidden Crime ...see page 14 TOPIC: Against Men
Yesterday I Died: A HeartWrenching Story of Domestic Abuse
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BY VANDELL PARK
torytelling is a wonderful challenge for many individuals. For some, the joy it brings to those listening, creates satisfaction beyond imagination, while others glow from the radiance reflected on the faces of their readers or listeners. Yet, there are some stories that are thought-provoking. Some stories create emotions that are not pleasant for the storyteller as well as for the readers or listeners. In her just released book: Yesterday I Died, Evangelist
Jenny Small tells her story of being the victim of domestic violence both as a child and as a wife. The gripping details, or as she puts it: “a horror movie lived in reality,” certainly stirs one’s emotions.
continued on page 5
FREE Consultations on Spousal Abuse Petitions Call 718-222-3155
continued on page 8
The Road to Financial Independence: Start a Business ...see page 9
Are You Dating an Abuser? ...see CV3
W
ithin our system of juris prudence, one of the broadest practice areas in Civil Rights. Civil Rights focuses on an individual's civil liberties. Civil liberties are personal, natural rights, guaranteed and protected by the Constitution. Examples include freedom of speech, freedom of press, and freedom from discrimination. Civil Rights is that body of law, which deals with natural liberties, and more particularly, the invasion of those liberties and the equal rights of oth-
ers. Constitutionally, they are restraints on government itself. Following the Civil War, and more recently in 1957 and 1964, federal statutes were enacted intended to implement and give further force to the basic personal rights guaranteed by the United States Constitution. These laws prohibit discrimination based on race, sex, age, or religion.Most states have also enacted statutes and laws which seek to protect civil liberties and fundamental rights of an individual. State statutes may afford greater protection than those afforded by the United States Constitution. Figeroux &
Text CIROBAMA to 41411
Combating Violence Against Women
...see page 10
Get Out of Green Card Slavery ...see page 20
Brian Figeroux, Esq.
Understanding Civil Rights BY CAW STAFF WRITERS
For Immigration News & Updates
Associates has a strong record representing individuals who have suffered the indignation of sexual discrimination, race discrimination, age and religious discrimination. Likewise, Figeroux & Associates has a strong record of success representing individuals who are subjected to excessive force, including deadly force, by police and other law enforcement, and whose right to medical attention has been deprived by the government. At Figeroux & Associates, Mr, Figeroux has distinguished himself as a Voice for Those Whose Rights are Ignored.
continued on page 23
Caribbean Superstar Rihanna & Chris Brown: Hooking Up Again. What Do You Think? ...see CV1
The Influence of a Mother? ...see page 23
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Caribbean Consulates
Anguilla 845 Third Avenue New York, N.Y. 10022 Tel: 212-745-0277
Antigua & Barbuda 610 Fifth Avenue, Suite 311 New York, N.Y. 10020 Tel: 212-541-4117
The Bahamas 231 East 46th Street New York, N.Y. 10020 Tel: 212-421-6420
Barbados 820 Second Avenue, 5th Floor New York, N.Y. 10017 Tel: 212-551-4325
Belize 675 Third Avenue, Suite 1911 New York, N.Y. 10017 Tel: 212-949-1240
Dominica 800 Second Avenue, Suite 400H New York, N.Y. 10017 Tel: 212-949-0853
Dominican Republic 1500 Broadway, Suite 410 New York, N.Y. 10036 Tel: 212-768-2480
Grenada 800 Second Avenue, Suite 400K New York, N.Y. 10017 Tel: 212-599-0301
Guyana 370 Seventh Avenue, 4th Floor New York, N.Y. 10001 Tel: 212-947-5110
Haiti 271 Madison Avenue, 17th Floor New York, N.Y. 10016 Tel: 212-697-9767
Jamaica 767 Third Avenue New York, N.Y. 10017 Tel: 212-935-9000
Martinique 444 Madison Avenue, 16th Floor New York, N.Y. 10022 Tel: 212-838-6887
Montserrat 845 Third Avenue New York, N.Y. 10022 Tel: 212-745-0200
Panama 1212 Avenue of the Americas, 6th Floor New York, N.Y. 10036 Tel: 212-840-2450
St. Kitts & Nevis 414 East 75th Street, 5th Floor New York, N.Y. 10021 Tel: 212-535-5521
St. Lucia 800 Second Avenue, 9th Floor New York, N.Y. 10007 Tel: 212-697-9360
IN THE NEWS
Woman Abused in Guatemala Gets Asylum
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Guatemalan woman who fled to the U.S. after she was brutally beaten and raped by her common law husband, won a seven-year battle to obtain asylum. An immigration judge in Los Angeles approved the 39-year-old woman's case after the Department of Homeland Security reversed course and conceded that she should be granted asylum here, the Central American Resource Center said in a statement. The woman, whose name was not released to protect her children in Guatemala, filed police reports recounting the abuse — which included being slashed with a machete — but authorities did not respond. She fled to the United States in 2004, after an especially harsh beating that landed her in the hospital for three days. "It's a huge victory for her, but it is a reminder of the reality that many women are still in legal limbo despite having suf-
fered horrible harm and being very much entitled to protection under our law," said Daniel Sharp, the woman's attorney and the Center's legal director. Immigration and Customs Enforcement(ICE) declined to comment on the case, citing the confidentiality of asylum proceedings. Each case is evaluated on an individual basis, said Virginia Kice, an ICE spokeswoman. In the last few years, a number of women who have suffered domestic violence in their home countries, have won asylum in the United States. But many are still denied and there is little consistency in how their cases are handled, Sharp said. The issue has largely centered on whether immigration judges deem the women to be members of a particular "social group" under the law, he said. “In 2009, federal immigration officials indicated in a brief that some domestic violence victims could be eligible for asylum,” said Lisa Frydan, managing
attorney for the Center for Gender & Refugee Studies at the University of California Hastings College of the Law. Frydan said she has seen “a higher grant rate since then in the cases her Center has worked on, but the outcome varies by judge. No official statistics are kept on how many women's cases have been approved.” In this case, the woman identified in the statement as N-S-, — applied for asylum in 2005, but lost her case in immigration court. “She appealed, and while the case was pending, immigration officials changed their position and conceded that she was eligible,” Sharp said. “The case was remanded back to the immigration court, and immigration judge Lori Bass granted her asylum.” l
Some information in this article was obtained from the San Francisco Chronicle.
Triple Murder Claims Lives of Mother and Two Sons
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he relationship between businesswoman Jennifer Persaud and her reputed husband, Rudolph “Lenny” Ernest, was known to be stormy, but few could have predicted the bloodbath that ended it for good last weekend. Persaud, 41, and her sons Afridi, 6, and Jadon, 17 months, were found dead in her bed in the family’s Sea View, Anna Catherina, home in Guyana. The throats of all three had been cut. The horrific discovery was made after repeated telephone calls to Persaud’s home made earlier in the day by her parents who live on the East Bank of Demerara, had gone unanswered. A visit by a nephew that morning elicited no response when he knocked on the door, heightening suspicions. Persaud’s parents, profoundly apprehensive by the lack of response, decided to check her home personally later in the afternoon. They were confronted with a grisly sight right out of any parent’s worst nightmare.
Police were summoned, commenced investigations and cordoned off the crime scene, allowing no one but law enforcement personnel to enter the premises. Persaud’s reputed husband and father of her youngest child Jadon, was taken into custody shortly afterwards. A second man was held as police investigations continued. He was said to be a relative of Ernest and a resident of Sixth Street, Anna Catherina. Police subsequently allowed the victims’ relatives access to the premises, and the dead woman’s parents, Kumar and Junka Persaud, shared their shock and grief with Jennifer’s four daughters. Reports indicate that the birth certificate of 17-month-old Jadon was missing and the toddler’s clothes were found packed in a bag at the scene of the murders. Jennifer Persaud’s businesses, a small grocery and a bar and pools’ shop, were temporarily closed in the wake of the tragedy. l
NYC 24-hour domestic violence hotline 1-800-621-HOPE or 311
St. Maarten 675 Third Avenue, Suite 1807 New York, N.Y. 10017 Tel: 800-786-2278
St. Vincent & The Grenadines 801 Second Avenue, 21st Floor New York, N.Y. 10017 Tel: 212-687-4981 Trinidad & Tobago 125 Maiden Lane New York, N.Y. 10038 Tel: 212-682-7272
For more Consulate information go to www.cawnyc.com/directory
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FREE Consultations for Spousal Abuse Petitions
T
he Law Firm of Figeroux & Associates, with offices at 26 Court Street and 1105 Nostrand Avenue in Brooklyn strongly believes that no one— man or woman —should be a victim of domestic violence. In a statement to the Caribbean American Weekly, Mr Figeroux said: “It is unfortunate that someone who comes to America with hopes of a better life, find themselves in abusive relationships. To make matters worse, their legal status in the U.S. is dependent on their U.S. citizen or Lawful Permanent Resident (LPR) spouse. We want persons to know that they don’t have to be a victim twice. Domestic violence is against the law and you can do an abused spouse petition. Help is available and we are offering free legal consulations. Please call 718-222-3155 to schedule an appointment.”l
ABOUT US
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CARIBBEAN-AMERICAN WEEKLY TEAM
My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. —Hosea 4:6
Publisher I.Q. INC.
Managing Editor & Editor-in-Chief Pearl Phillip Senior Editor Colin Moore
Legal Advisor Brian Figeroux, Esq.
Assistant Editor Marilyn Silverman
Graphic & Website Designers Praim Samsoondar Samantha Rosero Lana Delgadillo Shaquana Folks
Contributors Hon. Charles J. Hynes Gail Moore Janet Howard Vandell Park Michele Waslin Corwynn Darkholme Ernest Bonaparte Steven Stosny Mayo Clinic Staff
Email cariaweekly@aol.com
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Healing Through Forgiveness
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BY MAYO CLINIC STAFF
early everyone has been hurt by the actions or words of another. Perhaps your mother criticized your parenting skills, your colleague sabotaged a project or your partner had an affair. These wounds can leave you with lasting feelings of anger, bitterness or even vengeance — but if you don't practice forgiveness, you might be the one who pays most dearly. By embracing forgiveness, you can also embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path of physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.
What is forgiveness? Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you might always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.
What are the benefits of forgiving someone? Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for compassion, kindness and peace. Forgiveness can lead to:
THOUGHTS
nectedness with others.
nHealthier relationships nGreater spiritual and psychological wellbeing nLess anxiety, stress and hostility nLower blood pressure nFewer symptoms of depression nLower risk of alcohol and substance abuse
Why is it so easy to hold a grudge? When you're hurt by someone you love and trust, you might become angry, sad or confused. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment, vengeance and hostility can take root. If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice.
What are the effects of holding a grudge? If you're unforgiving, you might pay the price repeatedly by bringing anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience. Your life might become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present. You might become depressed or anxious. You might feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you're at odds with your spiritual beliefs. You might lose valuable and enriching con-
How do I reach a state of forgiveness? Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change. To begin, you might: nConsider the value of forgiveness and its importance in your life at a given time nReflect on the facts of the situation, how you've reacted, and how this combination has affected your life, health and wellbeing nWhen you're ready, actively choose to forgive the person who's offended you nMove away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life nAs you let go of grudges, you'll no longer define your life by how you've been hurt. You might even find compassion and understanding.
What if I'm the one who needs forgiveness? The first step is to honestly assess and acknowledge the wrongs you've done and how those wrongs have affected others. At the same time, avoid judging yourself too harshly. You're human, and you'll make mistakes. If you're truly sorry for something you've said or done, consider admitting it to those you've harmed. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret, and specifically ask for forgiveness — without making excuses. Remember, however, you can't force someone to forgive you. Others need to move to forgiveness in their own time. Whatever the outcome, commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect. l
Editor’s Note:
As a strong advocate against domestic violence, we want to say a special"thank you" to Brooklyn District Attorney, Charles J. Hynes. We deeply appreciate the work you do personally as well as your office in ending the vicious cycle of domestic violence. God bless!l
VISIT OUR WEBSITE WWW.CAWNYC.COM FOR MORE NEWS AND INFORMATION
COVER STORY
From Crisis to Confidence
match based on their ability to do the sensitive medical tests the client might need (ultraviolet photography, CT scan), and based on her language needs. We regularly host trainings for the Domestic Violence Coordinators of local hospitals as well as medical staff throughout the community. One of the coordinators who attended a training two
continued from page 1
months prior to this incident, was a Haitian-Creole speaking social worker at a local hospital. The social workers and prosecutors worked directly with the coordinator to facilitate the client’s emergency room visit. The criminal case was initially charged as Obstruction of Breathing, a misdemeanor, but based on an in-depth,
New York City Family Justice Center
multi-disciplinary screening and evidence collection at the Brooklyn FJC, the prosecutor believed the case could be charged as a felony. My social worker and Assistant District Attorney(ADA) coordinated with the community advocate and the hospital social worker to ensure that all of the evidence was collected. Rose met with a prosecutor and a social worker from my office to discuss the criminal charges, history of abuse, safety planning, and risk assessment. Rose’s case was referred to the Integrated Domestic Violence Court where her criminal and family court case was heard by the same judge. She was connected to civil legal services at the FJC and continued to work with the FJC and local community-based agencies for counseling and support. The FJC determined that due to the victim’s history of physical and emotional abuse at the hands of her husband, she was eligible to apply for a U-Visa, which, if granted, would assist her in gaining status in the U.S. During this time, the defendant pled guilty to Attempted Assault 2 (a class E felony) and Assault 3 (a misdemeanor). The victim was given an order of protection that compelled the defendant to stay away from her. The victim’s U-Visa application is now proceeding. The victim credits the Center with allowing her to escape her abusive relationship and become self-sufficient. While the prosecution was addressing the criminal conduct of the defendant, we were able to connect her with other serv-
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ices to address her need to be self-sufficient and lead a life free from abuse. I am very proud to announce that on July 20th, 2012, we celebrated the 7th anniversary of the New York FJC in Brooklyn. I am honored that the Center is dedicated to the memory of my mother, Regina Drew. The Center was initiated with funding from the United States Department of Justice’s Office on Violence Against Women. My office partnered with Mayor Michael Bloomberg to open the Center to provide supportive services and the widest safety net available for victims of domestic violence and their surviving children. Since opening in 2005, the FJC has a record of 50,983 clients who have visited the Center on at least one occasion and 111,476 total client visits. There have been 9,630 children who have benefited from the Children’s Room, Margaret’s Place, which is funded by The Joe Torre Safe at Home Foundation. Before the FJC, this victim would have needed to go to numerous places and agencies. Thanks to the co-location of services, she was able to get support and help in leaving the relationship, starting the U-Visa application, and getting assistance with counseling and supportive services for her and her children. With the Family Justice Center in place, victims can make the right connections when they are needed and where they are needed, under one roof. l
350 Jay Street, 15th Floor Brooklyn, New York 11201
The following is a list of services available at the New York City Family Justice Center in Brooklyn (BKFJC). All information is kept confidential; however, those services marked with an asterisk (*) are mandated reporters of child abuse and/or neglect, and are required to report suspected child abuse and/or neglect to the proper authorities. The BKFJC is an initiative of the Mayor's Office to Combat Domestic Violence in partnership with the King's County District Attorney's Office. Case Managers* Police *
Probation *
The District Attorney's Office (DA) * Therapeutic Counseling *
Elder Abuse Services *
Legal Information on Family Matters, Immigration & Divorce Self-Sufficiency Services Interfaith Spiritual Caregivers Children's Services *
In an emergency call 911; for general questions about domestic violence services, please call the NYC 24-hour domestic violence hotline 1-800-621-HOPE or 311
vvvvvv
VISIT OUR WEBSITE WWW.CAWNYC.COM FOR MORE NEWS AND INFORMATION
6 NEWS
DIASPORA CONCERNS
Remove Conditions on Permanent Residence Based on Marriage
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our permanent residence status is conditional if it is based on a marriage that was less than two years old on the day you were given permanent residence. You are given conditional resident status on the day you are lawfully admitted to the United States on an immigrant visa or adjustment of your status to permanent residence. Your status is conditional, because you must prove that you did not get married to evade the immigration laws of the United States. To remove these conditions you must file Form I751, Petition to Remove Conditions on Residence.
Eligibility Criteria Generally, you may apply to remove your conditions on permanent residence if: < You are still married to the same U.S. citizen or permanent resident after two years (your children may be included in your application if they received their conditional resident status at the same time that you did or within 90 days) < You are a child and cannot be included in the application of your parents for a valid reason < You are a widow or widower of a marriage that was entered into in good faith < You entered into a marriage in good faith, but the marriage was ended through divorce or annulment < You entered into a marriage in good faith, but either you or your child were battered or subjected to extreme hardship by your U.S. citizen or permanent resident spouse < The termination of your conditional resident status would cause extreme hardship to you How to Apply to Remove the Conditions You and your spouse must apply together to remove the conditions on your residence by fil-
ing Form I-751. You should apply during the 90 days before your second anniversary as a conditional resident. The expiration date on your green card is also the date of your second anniversary as a conditional resident. If you do not apply to remove the conditions in time, you could lose your conditional resident status and be removed from the country.
If You Are No Longer Married to Your Spouse or if You Have Been Battered or Abused by Your Spouse If you are no longer married to your spouse, or if you have been battered or abused by your spouse, you can apply to waive the joint filing requirement. In such cases, you may apply to remove the conditions on your permanent residence any time after you become a conditional resident, but before you are removed from the country.
Your Child’s Conditional Green Card If your child received conditional resident status within 90 days of when you did, then your child may be included in your application to remove the conditions on permanent residence. Your child must file a separate I-751 application if your child received conditional resident status more than 90 days after you did.
If You Are Late in Applying to Remove the Conditions on Residence If you fail to properly file Form I-751 within the 90-day period before your second anniversary as a conditional resident: < Your conditional resident status will automatically be terminated and we will begin removal proceedings against you < You will receive a notice from us telling you that you have failed to remove the conditions
< You will receive a Notice to Appear at a hearing. At the hearing you may review and rebut the evidence against you. You are responsible for proving that you complied with the requirements (we are not responsible for proving that you did not comply with the requirements). The Form I-751 can be filed after the 90-day period if you can prove in writing to the director of the appropriate Service Center that there was good cause for failing to file the petition on time. The director has the discretion to approve the petition and restore your permanent resident status. How to Get a Waiver of the Requirement to File a Joint Petition If you are unable to apply with your spouse to remove the conditions on your residence, you may request a waiver of the joint filing requirement. You may request consideration of more than one waiver provision at a time. You may request a waiver of the joint petitioning requirements if: < Your deportation or removal would result in extreme hardship < You entered into your marriage in good faith, and not to evade immigration laws, but the marriage ended by annulment or divorce, and you were not at fault in failing to file a timely petition < You entered into your marriage in good faith, and not to evade immigration laws, but during the marriage you or your child were battered by, or subjected to extreme cruelty committed by your U.S. citizen or permanent resident spouse, and you were not at fault in failing to file a joint petition
If You Are in Divorce Proceedings But Are Not Yet Divorced If you are still married, but legally separated and/or in pending divorce or annulment proceedings, and: < You filed a waiver request. We will issue a request for evidence (RFE) specifically asking for a copy of the final divorce decree or annulment (if applicable). < You filed a Form I-751 petition jointly. We will issue a request for evidence (RFE) specifically asking for a copy of the final divorce decree or annulment and a statement that you would like to have your joint filing petition treated as a waiver. Upon receipt of the final divorce decree or annulment within the specified time period, we will amend the petition, to indicate that eligibility has been established for a waiver of the joint filing requirement based on the termination of the marriage.
Work Permit As a permanent resident, you should have received a green card. This card will continue to prove that you have a right to live and work in the United States permanently. If you file Form I-751 on time, we will extend your conditional resident status until a decision has been made on your application. You will be sent a notice reflecting this. Interview An interview may be required to demonstrate eligibility to remove the conditions on your residence. If an interview is required you will receive an appointment notice telling you when and where to appear for your interview. Source: www.uscis.govl
Editor’s note: This article is for informational purposes only. It does not constitute legal advice. Immigration law is dynamic and complicated. Please call 718-222-3155 to schedule an appointment to meet with an immigration attorney.
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FAMILY MATTERS
Learning More About Spousal Abuse
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BY GAIL MOORE
pousal abuse involves beating, assaulting, threatening a person with violence or actually carrying out violent behavior; and intentionally causing harm, whether it is sexual or psychological.
Prevalence and Patterns According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, violence within families occurs more often than violence among strangers, and this behavior touches every race, religion, social class and educational level. The Handbook of Family Violence identified five types of family violence: child physical abuse, child sexual abuse, parent/elder abuse, marital rape and spouse abuse. This article will focus on spousal abuse. In an extensive study of over 5,000 families researchers found that in marriages where the husband was dominant verses an egalitarian decision making style, and where marital violence towards the female was acceptable behavior, violence occurred regardless of occupation or alcohol abuse and dependence. The American Medical Association (AMA) reports that in the United States today women are victims of spousal assault from a partner or former partner more frequently than motor vehicle acci-
Gail L. Moore, MA NY LMHC #t 002t926, NCC DWI Screenings & Assessment Psychological Assessment
dents and muggings combined. Other researchers have found that over 50% of all female murders are committed by a spouse. The sequel of this form of abuse entails miscarriage, abortion, drug and alcohol abuse , attempted suicide, physical disfigurement or disability, cognitive distortions, depression, anxiety, and lowself-esteem. There are four types of spousal violence — physical, sexual, property, and psychological. Physical violence involves pushing, grabbing, slapping, biting, punching, and assault with a weapon. Sexual violence involves forcing an intimate partner, through verbal or physical threats or intimidation, to participate in sexual activities against her will. Property violence includes punching holes in walls, breaking down doors, and throwing things. Psychological violence includes verbal or non-verbal behaviors intended to isolate, humiliate, demean, or control a female intimate partner.
The Nature of Spousal Abuse It was 1979, L. Walker in her book, “the Battered Woman,” proposed the “Cycle theory of violence”: Phase 1 — Tension Building — Tension begins to mount as the partner increases his threats of violence, often calling the woman names and pushing or shoving her around. During this phase the abused
woman often will make increasing efforts to please the abuser or calm him down. Usually though, her efforts to prevent the battering are useless and only serve to postpone the violence. (denial by woman of impending violence.)
Phase 2 — Act of Violence —Violence erupts as the abuser throws objects at his partner; hits, slaps, kicks, chokes, or beats her with his fists, abuses her sexually, or uses weapon such as belts, sticks, knives, or guns (denial by woman of partner’s responsibility for what is happening.)
Phase 3 — Honeymoon — The abuser apologizes often excessively, and expresses guilt and shame. He promises the violent behavior will not happen again; he often buys his partner gifts. Sometimes the abuser minimizes the violence or blames it on the woman, saying it never would have happened if she hadn’t said or done something to make him angry. What Is the Psychological Profile of the Spouse Abuser? They are portrayed as rigid, manipulative, deceitful, controlling, and devoid of remorse of insight. They have low selfesteem accompanied by high levels of dependency on, and suspiciousness and jealousy, of their spouses, high power and control needs, above average levels of hostility, and depression.
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Some of their behaviors include, lack of specific ways of communicating with their spouse, they have difficulty expressing affection and forming trusting relationships. Unfortunately, more than half of the women return to their batterers.
What Will Stop Spousal Abuse? Threating of arrest, divorce and separation from family, Holding the batterer fully accountable for his violent behaviors, Creating a non-violent respectful environment, Providing the batterer with knowledge and skills he needs to stop all behavior that undermine, the woman’s rights as a individual and a partner. Redefining masculinity and fathering, co-parenting, enhancing self-esteem, and overcoming fear of intimacy. Couples counseling that include anger-management, stress reduction and relaxation, and rehearsing and modeling new behaviors.
Conflict Resolution Skills Community, professional and political outreach. l
Information courtesy: The Counseling Psychologist Journal.
Gail Moore is a New York State Licensed Mental Health Counselor.
Family Law Practice Summarized
NEW YORK IS NOW A NO-FAULT DIVORCE STATE
nDIVORCE nSEPARATION nSUPPORT nCUSTODY The lawyer you hire does make a difference!
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PERSONAL STORY
Yesterday I Died—A HeartWrenching Story of Domestic Abuse continued from page 1
Yesterday I Died paints the grim reality of the destruction caused by domestic violence, but also provides hope, comfort and healing for many who might have been in a similar plight or are currently experiencing its turmoil. Evangelist Small, through her moving testimony, tells how she survived the trauma of growing up as a child, seeing her father abusing her mother and then as a means of trying to escape the terror, ended up marrying an abuser herself. The name of the book, Yesterday I Died, stems from her choosing to walk away from the death trap of domestic abuse into a life of freedom away from her marriage: “As a child I was wounded by the abuse my father inflicted on my mother, and when I got married at the age of twenty, thinking that I was moving away from that abuse, I walked into my own bed of abusiveness. The truth is, I felt as though I died from the years of being beaten physically and verbally. Now that I am alive and living without the fear of such abuse, I thought it best to tell my story of how I died inwardly and am now alive, thus the name of my book: Yesterday I Died.” The story of this Barbadian native told in this book, is one that brings chills as you read — a heart wrenching conversation of a woman exposed to beatings and torture that led to her escaping with her two young daughters to an unknown land here in the United States with no money or means of support. Just when she thought her plight
ended, the story continues as she was further betrayed by her sister whom she thought would have pitied her dilemma and provide some support. The message of the book “is to let both men and women know that no matter how grave your situation of abuse might be, you can take a stand and rise up out of the trauma you are in. The only person to deliver you is you. You have to first talk with God and then take action by moving away from the problem no matter the cost. But you must do so intelligently, not putting your life or the lives of your children in further danger. Don’t be ashamed to tell your story and seek help.”l
Yesterday I Died is currently being sold on Amazon. com. Copies of the book can also be purchased directly from Evangelist Small. She can be reached at 718-844-929 or via email at jsmall.victory@gmail.com. Her book can also be purchased via facebook at www.facebook.com/Book Yesterday I Died and Twitter: www.twitter.com/Living water2day. Evangelist Jenny Small is the director of He Restores My Soul Ministry, and serves as a domestic violence counselor throughout the boroughs of Brooklyn and Queens.
NYC 24-hour domestic violence hotline 1-800-621-HOPE or 311
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SMALL BUSINESS MATTERS
The Road to Financial Independence: Start a Business
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BY JANET HOWARD
hen we think of an abusive relationship, often what comes to mind is physical and verbal abuse. But abuse, comes in many forms and financial abuse is a major part of an abusive relationship. Financial abuse is something that we rarely hear about since it is often insidious and wrapped up in the confines of an abusive relationship. Very rarely do the women, most often the victims in these relationships, speak of the issue because of the shame attached to having to account for every penny spent or even having to ask for money just to purchase the very basic necessities in life. There are many signs of financial abuse, the most overt one being the threat to leave, knowing that the woman is unable to support herself without the finances of her partner. Once the partner levies such a threat, control is established since she knows without her partner her daily needs won’t be met. So, she stays on her lane and keeps herself in line fearing that without her partner, she will be destitute with no roof above her head. Financial abuse often takes a "back seat" in divorce courts and therapy sessions because it is seen as less destructive than physical or verbal abuse. But this is not necessarily true. Financial (also referred to as economic) abuse can leave a person feeling isolated, helpless, and worthless in a
relationship. As with other forms of abuse, women are more often victims, however, that does not mean that a man cannot suffer these same tribulations. Financial abuse can appear in a relationship as: < Telling a partner to quit their job so they can stay home and care for the children/home < Confiscating a partner's assets and other financial resources and forbidding them from handling money or incurring expenses. < Using a partner's financial assets to the others advantage and depriving a partner of his/her rights to enjoy what is financially and rightfully theirs < Taking away a partner's credit cards and providing only a sufficient amount of money to pay for day-to-day expenses. < Controlling the finances < Not allowing one's partner to work < Jeopardizing current employment through harassment < Jeopardizing future employment by physically abusing a partner the night before an interview or refusing to provide transportation to the interview < Taking a partner's money without her permission < Being forced to be the main income provider < Denying access to, or knowledge of, finances < Using a partner's finances or credit for
personal gain
According to a recent poll by The Allstate Foundation, the number one reason victims stay with their abusers is financial instability. Given these warning signs, it is easy to see how a person could feel helpless when faced with this situation. Lack of financial knowledge is also an immense problem for many in abusive situations.
The Road to Independence There are many steps to take to get out of an abusive relationship and start anew. One road to independence is to start a business; create your own financial destiny and control. Of course, starting a business is not an easy task. It takes planning, hard work and determination. It also doesn’t have to be an instant millionaire dollar idea. You can start a business by taking a look at your hobbies, talents and passion.
Here are 20 questions, courtesy our resource partner, the United States Small Business Administration. (SBA) to ask yourself before embarking on this exciting venture: 1. Why am I starting a business? 2. What kind of business do I want? 3. Who is my ideal customer? 4. What products or services will my business provide? 5. Am I prepared to spend the time and
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money needed to get my business started? 6. What differentiates my business idea and the products or services I will provide from others in the market? 7. Where will my business be located? 8. How many employees will I need? 9. What types of suppliers do I need? 10. How much money do I need to get started? 11. Will I need to get a loan? 12. How soon will it take before my products or services are available? 13. How long do I have until I start making a profit? 14. Who is my competition? 15. How will I price my product compared to my competition? 16. How will I set up the legal structure of my business? 17. What taxes do I need to pay? 18. What kind of insurance do I need? 19. How will I manage my business? 20. How will I advertise my business?
Starting a business is an exciting proposition, but it’s also an incredibly challenging undertaking. The New American Chamber of Commerce (NACC) Small Business Boot Camp Series can help you learn about what it takes to start a business. Don’t be discouraged. Be excited. Visit www.mynacc.org or call 718-722-9217 for more information. l
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OBAMA ADMINISTRATION
Combating Violence Against Women
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espite the significant progress made in reducing violence against women, there is still a long way to go. Young women still face the highest rates of dating violence and sexual assault. In the last year, one in 10 teens have reported being physically hurt on purpose by a boyfriend or girlfriend. One in five young women have been sexually assaulted while they’re in college. In response to these alarming statistics, Vice President Biden is focusing his longstanding commitment to reducing violence against women, specifically on teens and young women, ages 16-24. By targeting the importance of changing attitudes that lead to violence and educating the public on the realities of abuse, the vice president is leading the way in an effort to stop violence against women before it begins. The Obama administration is committed to combatting violence against women.
Ensuring life-saving services to victims of domestic violence and their children In 2010, President Obama signed the Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act, which included reauthorization of the Family Violence Prevention and Services Act (FVPSA). FVPSA funds nearly 1,700 shelters and service programs for victims of domestic violence and their children. It also supports the National Domestic Violence Hotline, whose staff and volunteers answer more than 23,000 calls for
help each month and link victims with the resources they need to rebuild their lives. In August 2011, as part of the Affordable Care Act, the Department of Health and Human Services announced historic new guidelines that will ensure women receive preventive health services without additional cost, including domestic violence screening and counseling. In October 2011, the Department of Education, the Department of Health and Human Services, and the Department of Housing and Urban Development collaborated to hold town hall meetings in ten regions of the country to promote the role of men in speaking out about violence against women.
Engaging colleges and universities in the effort to end dating violence and sexual assault On April 4, 2011, Vice President Biden and Secretary of Education Arne Duncan introduced comprehensive guidance to help schools, colleges and universities better understand their obligations under federal civil rights laws to prevent and respond to the problem of campus sexual assault. The vice president launched the 1is2many initiative in September 2011 on Twitter and through the White House website with a call to college students to take actions against dating violence and sexual assault.
Utilizing the latest technology to reach youth In summer 2011, Vice President Biden, the White House Office of Science and Technology Policy, and Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, launched the “Apps Against Abuse” technology challenge – a nationwide competition to develop an innovative software application, or “app,” that provides young adults with tools to help prevent sexual assault and dating violence. The winners, Circle of 6 and On Watch, were announced by the vice president on November 1. More information about these apps can be found at the HHS website. In September 2011, the Department of Justice announced the expansion of the National Dating Violence Helpline to respond to calls, chats and texts for from teens and young adults, 24/7. The Department of Justice provided funding to enable this expansion as a part of the vice president’s call to federal agencies to better serve teens and young adults.
Working to include law enforcement and the justice system in response to domestic violence and sexual assault In July 2010, the president signed the Tribal Law and Order Act, which helps to address crime in tribal communities and places a strong emphasis on decreasing violence against American Indian and Alaska Native women. The U.S. Department of Justice’s
Office on Violence Against Women (OVW) provides ongoing federal leadership to reduce violence against women and administer justice for, and strengthen services to, victims of domestic violence, dating violence, sexual assault, and stalking. OVW administers grant programs that work to support victims and hold perpetrators accountable by promoting a coordinated community response to domestic violence, dating violence, sexual assault, and stalking. Funding is provided to local and state and tribal governments, courts, non-profit organizations, community-based organizations, secondary schools, institutions of higher education, and state and tribal coalitions. These entities work toward developing more effective responses to violence against women through activities that include direct services, crisis intervention, transitional housing, legal assistance to victims, court improvement, and training for law enforcement and courts. In January 2012, the Department of Justice modernized the FBI’s Uniform Crime Report definition of rape. The new definition is more inclusive, better reflects state criminal codes, and focuses on the various forms of sexual penetration understood to be rape. For the first time, rapes of men and boys will be included in our national crime statistics. The old definition — which only covers rape of women by continued on page 14
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IMMIGRATION
Use of Segregation in Immigration Detention Has Harmful Effects
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BY MICHELE WASLIN he U.S. immigration system continues to detain more and more noncitizens in federally operated detention facilities, in private prisons, and in state and local prisons and jails across the country. Currently, DHS detains approximately 34,000 persons every night, the majority of whom have no criminal history. Over the last several years there have been numerous reports on the miserable conditions found within these facilities. Recently, the National Immigrant Justice Center (NIJC) and Physicians for Human Rights (PHR) released a new study documenting the use of segregation and solitary confinement of immigrant detainees and the impact on immigrants’ physical and mental health. Segregation is the practice of separating certain individuals from the general population of a prison or detention facility. This is done to protect vulnerable individuals or to separate persons that are deemed dangerous to themselves or others. Solitary confinement is a form of segregation in which individuals are held in isolation, separated from all other persons in the facility. NIJC and PHR researchers found that some detention centers and prisons
that contract with DHS to house immigrant detainees have put these detainees in punitive and long-term solitary confinement without good reason and without meaningful due process. In some cases, simply being foreign born or speaking another language is enough to qualify a person for segregation or isolation. Other times, segregation is used as punishment for a minor offense. For example: According to the ACLU of Georgia, a detainee was placed in segregation because he translated for a non-English speaking detainee. Others were placed in segregation after complaining about the drinking water and for refusing to work more than eight hours a day. In Virginia, a detainee was placed in segregation for manufacturing wine after he left juice in his cell until it began to smell. Persons in segregation or solitary confinement may be denied outdoor recreation, television, libraries, phone calls, and visitation privileges, and may be subjected to harassment or abuse by corrections officers. Experts have found that extended periods in isolation may result in physical and psychological problems including panic attacks, hallucinations, paranoia, and difficulty think-
ing and remembering. Immigration detainees include asylum seekers, people with mental health conditions, survivors of torture, and victims of human trafficking and other crimes. These people are already vulnerable, and segregation or solitary confinement only makes the situation worse. NIJC and PHR found that few detainees have regular access to physicians or mental health experts, and they are often denied any opportunity to challenge their segregation. According to the report, “ICE has failed to enforce consistent segregation standards in its detention facilities.” The 2011 Performance Based National Detention Standards (PBNDS) are an improvement over earlier standards, but do not go far enough, have not yet been implemented, and are legally unenforceable. The report makes a number of recommendations aimed at reducing the number of noncitizens detained, limiting the use of segregation, and pro-
11
tecting those in segregation. Unfortunately some in Congress are too busy painting immigration detention as a Holiday on ICE, and any attempt to improve conditions is characterized as “coddling lawbreakers.” Clearly a constructive conversation about immigration detention is badly needed. l
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14 NEWS
HOT TOPIC
Domestic Violence: A Hidden Crime Against Men
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BY VANDELL PARK
t was an awkward moment for me when a young man approached me a few months ago and said: “Can I confide in you?” Hesitantly, I agreed to listen to what he had to say. What I heard next was appalling. The young man, Owen Marks (not his real name), in tears, began unloading years of emotional, physical and mental abuse he suffered at the hands of his wife. It was strange to me because the young man was very muscular. The abuse he claimed ranged from her physically hitting him, and depriving him of sexual intimacy to even threatening to report him to the immigration authorities. The most painful of it all, he says, was “the constant quarreling and accusing me of things I don’t even know about, and threatening to call the cops on me.” According to Owen, his wife told him that law enforcement officials are more likely to believe her should a domestic violence report be filed. Sadly, Owen is not the only male victim of domestic violence here in the United States. Many men are victims, but as Owen’s wife discovered, and took advantage of, men are often overlooked as victims of domestic violence by law
enforcement and the judicial system, and even society as a whole. Domestic or intimate partner violence usually is placed into three main categories by researchers — physical violence, psychological aggression and control of reproductive or sexual health. Physical violence includes hitting, slapping along with the use of weapons by both men and women. Psychological aggression has to do with name-calling, temper tantrums, insulting remarks, financial control, social activities control, knife brandishing and coercion. Control of reproductive or sexual health violence involves the refusal to wear a condom (men), and deprivation of sexual activities (women) to make a point or as a form of control. While general statistics reflect women as being the victims of domestic violence, the truth is — men are equally victims of domestic or intimate partner violence as women. A 2012 report by Bert H. Hoff JD from the University of Phoenix School of Criminal Justice and Security, states that over 40% of those affected by intimate partner violence are men. The report states: “According to a 2010 national survey by the Centers for Disease Control[CDC] and U.S. Department of Justice[DOJ], in the last
How will I get out of this ABUSIVE relationship?”
12 months more men than women were victims of intimate partner violence and over 40% of severe physical violence was directed at men. Men were also more often the victim of psychological aggression and control over sexual or reproductive health.” Hoff’s research also revealed that the CDC/ DOJ survey indicated: “an estimated 5,365,000 men and 4,741,000 women were victims of intimate partner physical violence” from 2010 to 2011. In the same report he also stated that “in the last 12 months 20, 548,000 men compared to 16, 578,000 women were subjected to psychological aggression.” The concern though, is that men are not taken seriously when making reports of being abused by women to the various organizations established to deal with domestic violence and even the legal system. As a result, a number of men stay silent on the issue. Some men even refused to report their plight because they are perceived as the dominant gender, and therefore is the one administering the punishment in a domestic violence scenario. Hoff, in his research, found that there are not many programs geared towards helping men suffering from domestic violence. Education on this issue is critical as men continue to suffer from phys-
Combating Violence Against Women
continued from page 10
force — did not capture the true impact of this crime. The revised definition includes any gender of victim or perpetrator, and includes instances in which the victim is incapable of giving consent because of temporary or permanent mental or physical capacity, including due to the influence of drugs or alcohol, or because of age.
Improving the response to domestic violence in the federal workplace In April 2012, President Obama announced new efforts to help combat and prevent domestic violence in the federal workplace. The presidential memorandum requires federal agencies to develop policies to address the effects of domestic violence and provide assistance for employees who may be experiencing domestic violence. These policies will also serve as a model for private sector employers.
GREEN CARD SLAVERY? Don’t put up with ABUSE anymore! We can get a Green Card for you and your children PLUS a divorce. Call 718-222-3155 now for a FREE consultation!
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: FROM CRISIS TO CONFIDENCE ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
Addressing the intersection between HIV/AIDS and violence against women and girls. In March 2012, President Obama signed a presidential memorandum establishing an interagency working group that will build on current agency programs addressing the intersection of HIV/AIDS, violence against women and girls, and gender-based health disparities by improving data collection, research, and intervention and prevention strategies. The working group will develop recommendations
ical and mental health problems as a result of the failure of services available to them. Domestic violence service centers that now cater to women, as well as law enforcement officials, should be required to treat the complaints of men with the same level of seriousness as those of women. Men are therefore called upon to come forward and expose the violence that is perpetrated against them by their intimate partners. For more information contact can be made to the New York State Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence, 1-800-942-6906 for English-speaking victims, and 1-800942-6908 for Spanish-speaking victims.l
NYC 24-hour domestic violence hotline 1-800-621-HOPE or 311 to help inform the National HIV/AIDS Strategy.
Raising awareness about domestic violence, teen dating violence, sexual assault, and stalking. Each year since taking office, President Obama has delivered a proclamation recognizing October as National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, asking that all Americans do their part to end domestic violence in this country by supporting their communities' efforts to assist victims in finding the help and healing they need. April is National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month, which President Obama has recognized with a proclamation each year, announcing that together, we can increase awareness about sexual violence, decrease its frequency, punish offenders, help victims, and heal lives. February is National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month. Each year since 2011, President Obama has delivered a proclamation, calling on all Americans to support efforts in their communities and schools, and in their own families, to empower young people to develop healthy relationships throughout their lives and to engage in activities that prevent and respond to teen dating violence. In 2011, President Obama became the first president to proclaim January National Stalking Awareness Month, calling on all Americans to learn to recognize the signs of stalking, acknowledge stalking as a serious crime, and urge those impacted not to be afraid to speak out or ask for help. l
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NEWS
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Rihanna & Chris Brown: Caribbean Kitchen Corner Callaloo Soup Hooking Up Again
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A
BY CORWYNN DARKHOLME ALLRECIPES.COM
BY MARILYN SILVERMAN
loody, bruised, battered faces— these are the faces of domestic violence that are not pasted in family picture albums where they don’t belong, but are pasted in police picture albums in precincts throughout the city. These faces cross every socioeconomic class in society—no one class is exempt from this degradation that is being perpetuated on women in particular at an alarming rate and does not show any signs of slowing down its incidence. But not every victim’s degradation was a headline, front page story like pop princess Rihanna and her equally famous boyfriend Chris Brown back in 2009. It’s may seem of questionable taste that apparently not after too much brainstorming with her conscience, she decided to kiss and make up fully just before October—October which has been designated as Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Ask any expert—forgiveness does not follow being battered. No way. Relocating to a domestic violence shelter follows being battered. Has Rihanna forgotten that she is a celebrity and that she has a responsibility to be a role model to her fans who not only buy tickets to her concerts, buy her CDs and follow her every step on Twitter where she has 26 million fans, but what she says, what she does, what she wears, where she goes, what she eats and who she dates is all followed by her fans? She is telling her world of fans that it’s okay to forgive. My estimation, once an abuser, always an abuser. This is not a fairy tale romance; this is a dysfunctional romance. How in the world can you forgive someone who beats you within inches of your life—is that the definition of love? Harvard sociologist Hilary Levey Friedman on The Morning Show, said that Rihanna is telling all the girls who are either dating or are just entering puberty and are on the perimeter of the dating scene that you should forgive your boyfriend the next day or next week or next month. “We know from research on press coverage and people’s responses to it, that Americans see…entertainers…as public figures to be admired and emulated. Girls will think it’s acceptable for them to endure abuse at the hands of their dating partner.” What have we learned since the days once upon a time when this was behind
taste of the Caribbean. The main ingredients are callaloo leaves, or spinach, and okra. Both were originally brought from Africa in the seventeenth century. Serve piping hot with slices of avocado pear and hot bread.
closed doors if Rihanna says it’s OK to forgive their abuser? Has Rihanna thought of the possible detrimental impact her decision can have her on her stellar career? Brian Pinero, acting director, loveisrespect.org, a forum to empower youth to prevent and end abusive relationships says Brown has manifested little remorse for his behavior and his anger issues could erupt again. When co-anchor Robin Roberts interviewed him on Good Morning America, in a fit of rage, he hurled a chair at the window when asked about the restraining order against him. Is this the man you want your daughter to date? Terrie Williams, author, Black Pain: It Just Looks Like Were not Hurting, says that such manifestations of anger proves that healing has not taken place. Jullian Bullock, an expert on domestic violence, says that Brown has not undergone psychological counseling as yet, so it is quite conceivable that Rihanna’s beautiful face will once again be a cover story not to promote an upcoming concert but to show bruises at the hands once again of her boyfriend Chris Brown. Surprisingly, media personality/mogul Oprah adamantly refuses to comment on this dangerous reconciliation saying, “It’s okay for Rihanna to forgive Chris Brown since she forgave her own father whose personal demons propelled him to assault her mother. “I think that if she is prepared to dealt with that [his abuse] and is prepared to help him then so be it.”l
Ingredients: 1 pound callaloo leaves or spinach 6 cups chicken stock 1 onion, chopped 1/2 pound salt beef, fat removed and diced 1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper 6 tablespoons minced shallots 1/4 teaspoon dried thyme 1 green chile pepper, chopped 1 cup okra 1/2 pound crabme at Add/remove meat according to personal taste.
Directions: 1. Remove the thick stems of the callaloo leaves, chop roughly, and put into a large saucepan. Add the chicken stock, onion, beef, black pepper, shallots, thyme, chili pepper, and crab meat. Cover, and simmer until meat is tender, about 35 minutes. 2. Add the okra, and cook for 8 minutes. 3. Remove the chili pepper. Puree the soup in a blender or food processor. Reheat, and adjust seasonings. l
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My opinion is that she is making a serious mistake taking him back. What is your opinion? We want to know your opinion. Is Rihanna making a dangerous mistake getting back with Chris Brown? Visit cawnyc.com/rihanna and let your opinion be known. Also, take part in our poll.
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CV2 NEWS
HEALTH
Psychological Impact of Domestic Violence
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BY ERNEST BONAPARTE, PH.D
middle-aged Carribean-born woman recently came to my office for help getting through the most depressing period she had ever experienced in her life.Within the previous two months, she made the decision to separate from her spouse and begin the process of dissolving her marriage. She told me that there had been a gradual yet shocking change in her husband’s attitude and behavior toward her. These changes culminated in periodic episodes of physical battering, which lasted for two years. She described her efforts to question, tolerate, understand and challenge this man’s behavior. At times, her challenges even took the form of attempting to physically fight back. None of her efforts met with success. Eventually, she involved the police, had her husband move out and secured an Order of Protection. Although these events led to monumental stress, emotional devastation and serious depression for this woman, she is relatively fortunate (as strange as that may seem). Compared to many of my other clients who have been victims of domestic violence, she has come away with minimal physical damage as well as a strong resolve to permanently end her abusive relationship after “only” two years of physical battering. The story of my client, who is now on
the road to healing, illustrates numerous aspects of the psychological impact of domestic violence. To her credit, she was able to take the action steps necessary to physically separate from her abusive spouse. Nevertheless, she did not escape the devastating psychological impact of that experience. Bear in mind that from my perspective, “psychological impact” includes multiple areas of wellness such as the emotional, physical, spiritual and relational. Victims such as my client commonly struggle with depression, powerlessness, identity issues and hopelessness, among other things. Not only do they experience these problems while in the midst of the abusive relationship, but for substantial periods of time after physical separation is accomplished. They often have difficulty seeing the possibility of healthy relationships in their future. While this all sounds like bad news, the good news is that this is all part of a normal process, with great potential for healthy psychological functioning moving forward. But in order to get on that path, the abuse must end. Clearly, taking the necessary action steps to end an abusive relationship is critical. Perpetrators of domestic violence are often charming and likeable early in the relationship or during times when they are not behaving violently. Following violent episodes, they can be extremely apologetic. These behaviors can have a paralyzing effect on victims,
leading to a kind of acceptance of the violence in the hopes of change. Questioning yourself (“What am I doing wrong?”) sets in as well as a tendency to not divulge the violence to anyone outside the relationship. Guilt and shame are powerful psychological forces which keep victims trapped in the dysfunction of abuse for all too long. Add in the psychology of fear (e.g. of repercussions from the abuser, loss of relationship, and what others will think) and the impact is overwhelming. Acknowledging the normal but difficult psychological effects of domestic violence is a starting point on the road to healing. For example, overcoming the shame of being battered requires reaching out to others. Despite feeling embarrassed and fearful, my client eventually summoned the strength to open up to certain family and friends. She was strongly supported. In fact, to her surprise, her husband’s own sister provided the most encouragement for her to take action. Consistently affirming, or telling yourself that you can do better for yourself and your children, if applicable, is also a helpful action step. Visualize yourself outside of that abusive cycle. As noted earlier, not all victims of domestic violence have the fortunate outcome of my client which all victims deserve. Nor is my client’s psychological healing complete at this time. Seeking expert help and/or the support of trusted
IC. S U M GREAT
others will help with the process of working through the depression, anger, and hurt, which is such a natural part of healthy healing. Then on to the action steps of enriching your life in the present and future! l
Ernest Bonaparte has been a New York State licensed clinical psychologist for the past 20 years. He has served as project director of the Kings County Crisis Intervention Center in Brooklyn as well as director of psychology at Kingsboro Psychiatric Center. Currently, he is in private practice in Brooklyn, NY. He is one of the co-hosts of HELP (Helping Others Live Prosperously), a weekly program on AllBlackRadio.
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CV3
LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS
Are You Dating an Abuser?
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BY STEVEN STOSNY, ANGER IN THE AGE OF ENTITLEMENT
motional abuse, verbal abuse, and domestic violence are on the rise, especially among young people. The risk of falling into an abusive relationship is greater than ever. There are obvious red flags to avoid in a prospective lover, such as angry, controlling, possessive, jealous, or violent behavior. Unfortunately, most abusers are able to mask these tendencies in dating. By the time many people notice the obvious red flags, they're already attached to an abuser, which makes it much harder for them to leave the relationship. More useful than a list of obvious red flags are guidelines based on very early warning signs of a potentially abusive relationship, signs that are visible before an attachment bond is formed. The following is a list of qualities to look for in a potential lover. Avoid them at all costs.
Note: During the early stages of your relationship, your partner is not likely to do any of these things to you. But witnessing these attitudes and behaviors toward others is a sure sign that they will turn onto you, sooner or later.
Very Early Warning Sign #1: A Blamer Avoid anyone who blames his negative feelings and bad luck on someone
else. Special care is necessary here, as blamers can be really seductive in dating. Their blame of others can make you look great by comparison: "You're so smart, sensitive, caring, and loving, not like that bitch I used to go out with." "Why couldn't I have met you before that self-centered, greedy, woman I used to date?" "You're so calm and together, and she was so crazy and paranoid." Hearing this kind of thing might make you think that all he really needs is the understanding and love of a good woman to change his luck. This disastrous assumption flies in the face of the Law of Blame. The Law of Blame: It eventually goes to the closest person. When you become the closest person to him, the blame will certainly turn on you. Blamers can be dangerous to love because they usually suffer from victim identity. Feeling like victims, they see themselves as justified in whatever retaliation they enact and whatever compensation they take. Blamers will certainly cause pain for you if you come to love one.
Very Early Warning Sign #2: Resentment Resentment is a negative mood caused by focus on perceptions of unfair-
ness. Resentful people feel like they are not getting the help, consideration, praise, reward, or affection they believe is due them. Everyone has to put up with a certain amount of unfairness in life. We don't like it, but we deal with it and move on; we try to improve our situations and our experiences. The resentful waste their emotional energy by dwelling on the unfairness of others (while remaining oblivious to their own unfairness). They think (mistakenly) that they don't know
how to improve their lives. They use resentment as a defense against a sense of failure or inadequacy. Resentful people are so caught up in their "rights" and so locked into their own perspectives that they become completely insensitive to the rights and perspectives of others. If you fall in love with a resentful person, you will eventually become the brunt of that resentment and almost certainly feel shut out and diminished in the relationship. continued on CV4
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CV4
Are You Dating an Abuser? continued from page CV3
Very Early Warning Sign #3: Entitlement People with a sense of entitlement believe that they deserve special consideration and special treatment. They may cut in front of others waiting in line, smoke wherever they want, drive any way they want, say anything they like, and do pretty much anything they choose. Driven by high standards of what they should get and what other people should do for them, the entitled feel chronically disappointed and offended. So it seems only fair, from their myopic perspectives, that they get compensation for their constant frustrations. Special consideration seems like so little to ask! Here's the logic: "It's so hard being me, I shouldn't have to wait in line, too!" "With all I have to put up with, I deserve to take a few supplies from the office." "With the kind of day I had, you expect me to mow the lawn?" "All the taxes I pay, and they bother me about this little deduction!" "The way I hit the golf ball, I should get the best seat in the restaurant!" "I'm the man; you have to cook my dinner!" After the glow of infatuation wears off, the entitled person will regard his feelings and desire as more important than yours. If you agree, you'll get depressed. If you disagree, you'll get abused.
Very Early Warning Sign #4 Superiority Superiority is the implication, at least through body language or tone of voice, that someone is better than someone else. Potential abusers tend to have hierarchical self-esteem, i.e., they need to feel better than someone else to feel okay about themselves. They need to point out ways in which they are smarter, more sensitive, or more talented than others. This, too, can be seductive in dating, as he will point out ways in which you are superior, too. The most abusive form of hierarchical self-esteem is predatory self-esteem. To feel good about themselves, persons with predatory self-esteem need to make other people feel bad about themselves. Many will test high in self-esteem when they come for court-ordered treatment, while everyone else in their family tests low. But once intervention increases the self-esteem of the emotionally beatendown spouse and children who then no longer internalize the put-downs, the predator's self-esteem invariably declines. A variation on this very early warning sign is self-righteousness. If you dare to disagree with him, you will not only be wrong but immoral! Very Early Warning Sign #5: Pettiness If he makes a big deal out of nothing
or focuses on one small, negative aspect of an issue, a relationship with him will be disastrous. This might show itself as being extremely particular about how his food is prepared in a restaurant or seeming impatient if someone drops something. In a love relationship, his petty attitudes and behavior will make you feel reduced to some small mistake, as if nothing you have ever done right in your life matters. You will feel criticized and diminished for the smallest of infractions, real or imagined.
Very Early Warning Sign #6: Sarcasm Sarcasm comes in many forms. Sometimes it's just poorly timed humor â&#x20AC;&#x201D; saying the wrong thing in the wrong context. Sometimes it's innocently insensitive, with no intention to hurt or offend. More often it is hostile and meant to devalue. The purpose is to undermine a perspective the sarcastic person doesn't agree with or to shake someone's confidence, just for a temporary ego gain or some strategic advantage in a negotiation. Sarcastic people tend to be heavy into impression management, always trying to sound smart or witty. Their tone always has at least a subtle put-down in it. In dating this will be directed at others. In a relationship, it will center on you.
Very Early Warning Sign #7: Deceit (intentional and unintentional) Unintentional deceit happens all the time in dating, due to what I call the "dating self." We all try to put on the best face possible in dating. Most of us will exaggerate our good qualities at least a little, if we think the other person will like us more if we were just a bit more like that. "Oh, you're religious? Well I've been feeling a bit more spiritual lately, so I'm going right home and read the Bible, or at least watch the movie version." This kind of unintentional exaggeration is meant less to deceive than to motivate the self. The exaggerator really wants to develop qualities you like; he's just not quite there, yet. Of course, the dating self often includes blatant deception, as in, "Oh, did I tell you that I went to Harvard?" or, "Yes, I know some rich and famous people." Deceit shows a low level of selfrespect â&#x20AC;&#x201D; and respect for you â&#x20AC;&#x201D; that can only bode ill in a relationship.
Very Early Warning Sign #8: Minor Jealousy Minor jealousy does not come off like the obvious red flag of controlling and possessive behavior. It looks more like this: He's slightly uncomfortable when you talk to or even look at another man. He might not say anything, but he looks uncomfortable. The tough thing about minor jealousy in dating is that you actually want a tiny bit of it to know that they other person cares. (You certainly don't want to love someone who wouldn't mind at all if you slept with the entire football team.) But a little bit of jealousy goes a long, long way. Think of it as a drop of powerfully concentrated liquid in a huge bucket of
LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS
water. More than a tiny drop will poison any relationship you might develop with the jealous person and, more important, put you in harm's way. Even minor jealousy has the potential to be harmful. Jealousy becomes dangerous once it turns into obsession. The more we obsess about something, the more imagination takes over, distorting reality and rational thinking. Jealousy is the only naturally occurring emotion that can cause psychosis, which is the inability to tell what is really happening from what is in your head. Most severe violence in relationships involves some form of jealousy. I have had clients complain that their boyfriends don't pursue them or try to sweep them off their feet. I always tell them, "How lucky you are!" Guys who go "too fast" (defined as whatever makes you uncomfortable), do not respect boundaries. One definition of "abuse" is "that which violates personal boundaries." It is not flattering that someone wants you so much that he does not care about whether you are comfortable. Make sure that any man you become interested in shows respect for your comfort-level, in all senses of the word. Trust in Yourself While a certain caution in dating is a good thing, you want to be sure that your caution is proactive, rather than reactive; you want it based on trusting your instincts, rather than distrusting love. Trust in yourself stems from your deepest values. As long as you stay attuned to the most important things to and about you, you will naturally gravitate toward those who truly value you as a person. But even if you are firmly grounded in your values, it's possible to be fooled by hidden resentment, anger, or abusive tendencies in the people you date. That's because it's easy for those prone to such tendencies to put on a false dating face. Because they have a more "fluid" sense of self than most people, it's easier for them to pour it into any container they think you might like. But they can't and won't stay in a nice container once you establish a relationship. Then their resentment, anger, or abuse will emerge in full force.
Multiple-Victimization Research shows that if a woman has been mistreated in the past, even in childhood, there's a good chance that she'll be mistreated in her next relationship as well. It's called, "multiple-victimization," and it is often misunderstood. I have heard far too many women clients say things like, "I could walk into a room full of doctors and therapists and fall in love with the one criminal." Or they ask with sad and bewildered eyes, "Why do I only attract resentful, angry, and abusive partners?" They wonder if they put out signals that say, "Please abuse me!" This particular misconception has even infected a few professionals who have ridiculously theorized that some women "want to be abused." If you've experienced multiple-vic-
timization, please understand this: The problem is not that you attract only resentful, angry, or abusive suitors; it's that, by and large, you have not been receptive to the gentler, more respectful men you also attract. This is not due to your temperament or personality; it's a normal defensive reaction. After you've been hurt, of course you'll put up subtle barriers for self-protection. Non-abusive men will recognize and respect those barriers. For example, suppose that you work with someone who's attracted to you. But he senses that you're uncomfortable with his small gestures for more closeness. He will naturally back off and give you time to heal, or he'll settle for a non-romantic friendship. But a man who is likely to mistreat you will either not recognize your barriers or completely disregard them. He will continue to hit you, until he breaks down the protective walls that surround your hungry heart. The following "intimacy test" can help you become more sensitive and trusting to the non-verbal signals about attachment that ultimately rise from your core value.
Intimacy Test a Can you disclose anything about yourself, including your deepest thoughts and feelings, without fear of rejection or misunderstanding? a Is the message of your relationship to "grow, expand, create, disclose or reveal?" a Or is it, "hide, conceal, think only in certain ways, behave only in certain ways, or feel only certain things?" a Does this relationship offer both parties optimal growth? a Can you both develop into the greatest persons you can be? a Does your partner fully accept that you have thoughts, beliefs, preferences, and feelings that differ from his? a Does he respect those differences? a Does he cherish that you despite them? a Does he accept your differences without trying to change you? a Do you want to accept that your partner has thoughts, beliefs, preferences, and feelings that differ from yours? a Can you respect those differences? a Can you cherish your partner despite them? a Can you accept them without trying to change them?
A greater sense of your core values will give you more confidence that you can detect the very early warning signs of abuse. Listen compassionately to the faint messages of your hungry heart. Then it won't need to make the kind of desperate outcries that suspend your best judgment, scare off appropriate matches, and attract resentful, angry, or abusive
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20 NEWS
KNOW YOUR RIGHTS
The Violence Against Women Act
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nacted in 1994 and reauthorized in 2000, 2005 and 2012, the Violence Against Women Act(VAWA) has a long history of uniting lawmakers with the common purpose of protecting survivors of domestic violence. When VAWA was first conceived, Congress recognized that the noncitizen status of battered immigrants can make them particularly vulnerable to crimes of domestic violence, sexual assault, dating violence, and stalking. The abusers of undocumented immigrants often exploit the victims’ immigration status, leaving the victim afraid to seek services or report the abuse to law enforcement and making them fearful of assisting with the investigation and prosecution of these crimes. Through the VAWA self-petition, T visas, and U visas, VAWA enhances the safety of victims and their children and provides an important tool for law enforcement to investigate and prosecute crimes. First authored by then-senator Biden in 1994, VAWA provides funding to states and local communities to improve the criminal justice response to domestic violence, dating violence, sexual assault and stalking. VAWA supports specialized law enforcement units to investigate these crimes and helps prosecutors get dangerous offenders off the streets. Since the passage of the act, annual incidents of domestic violence have dropped by more than 60 percent. While tremendous progress has been
made, violence is still a significant problem facing women, men, families, and communities. On average, 3 women a day die as a result of domestic violence. The hidden crime of stalking affects 1 in 6 women and sexual assault remains the most underreported violent crime in the country; 1 in 5 women and 1 in 71 men have been sexually assaulted at some time in their lives. VAWA is being introduced by Senators Patrick Leahy (D-VT) and Mike Crapo (R-ID), that would reauthorize VAWA. The Leahy-Crapo bill to reauthorize VAWA addresses today’s most pressing issues and builds on what we have learned over the past 17 years. We must continue moving forward to reduce violence against all women. Native American women suffer from violent crime at some of the highest rates in the United States. One regional survey conducted by University of Oklahoma researchers showed that nearly 3 out of 5 Native American women had been assaulted by their spouses or intimate partners. In addition, a recent Center for Disease Control (CDC) study found that 46 percent of Native American women have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime. Tribal leaders say there are countless more victims of domestic violence and sexual assault whose stories may never be told. With non-Indians constituting more than 76 percent of the overall population
living on reservations and other Indian lands, interracial dating and marriage are common, and many of the abusers of Native American women are non-Indian men. Too often, non-Indian men who batter their Indian wives and girlfriends go unpunished because tribes cannot prosecute non-Indians, even if the offender lives on the reservation and is married to a tribal member, and because federal law enforcement resources are hours away from reservations and stretched thin. Congress can close this jurisdictional gap in the criminal justice system by supporting the Leahy-Crapo bill and providing tribes with the authority to hold offenders accountable for their crimes against Native American women, regardless of the perpetrator’s race This bill builds on the Tribal Law and Order Act – which President Obama signed on July 29, 2010 – to improve the effectiveness and efficiency of tribal justice systems and will provide additional tools to tribal and federal prosecutors to address domestic violence in Indian Country.
Under the Leahy-Crapo Bill’s Tribal Jurisdiction Provisions: < Tribes could prosecute non-Indians only for domestic violence, dating violence, and violations of protection orders. Crimes between two strangers, or between two non-Indians, or between persons with no ties to the tribe, would not be covered.
< Federal and state court jurisdiction over domestic violence would be unaffected. < Defendants would effectively have the same rights in tribal court as in state court, including dueprocess rights and an indigent defendant’s right to free appointed counsel meeting federal constitutional standards. < Defendants could protect their rights by appealing their convictions to a tribal court and filing habeas petitions in federal court.
The administration strongly supports Senate passage of the Leahy-Crapo bill to reauthorize the Violence Against Women Act, a landmark piece of bipartisan legislation. The administration strongly supports measures in the bill that will bring justice to Native American victims. Vice President Biden has often said that passing VAWA in 1994 is the legislative achievement he is most proud of from his many years in the Senate. And yet, he knew then that it was just the beginning. For all the victims today, and for future generations, VAWA represents a promise to end violence against women.l
Know your rights. End spousal abuse. End green card slavery. Get your divorce and your green card for yourself and your children. Call 718-222-3155 for a free, legal consultation today.
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22 NEWS
TIME FOR ACTION
Enough Is Enough! There Is No Room For Domestic Violence In Our Communities
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to be given. We want shoulders to cry on. We want doors to open. We want arms to welcome us. We want a place where no one excuses abusive behavior and everyone is committed, 100%, to being part of the solution. We want and we can, make this place a reality in our communities. The good news is domestic violence is a problem we can solve. There are things that each and every one of us can do to help.
BY PEARL PHILLIP
omestic violence should not happen to anybody, ever; but it does and we want the victims to know help is available and they are not alone. Domestic violence happens in all relationships and families of different cultures, income levels, religious beliefs, women and girls, as well as men and boys. We have to take a stand and decide enough is enough and it's time to end the abuse in our communities. We are destroying our hopes, dreams and that of our children. In addition to experiencing the sheer horror of domestic violence in its many forms, immigrants are faced the burden of being further dependent on their U.S. citizen or Legal Permanent Resident spouse to assist them with their legal status. We want you to know that help is available. You don't need to be in Green Card slavery anymore. As a victim of domestic violence you can petition for yourself and your children. See page 20 for more information.
Everybody's Business Domestic violence is everyone's business. Maybe you know someone who has suffered from domestic violence. Maybe you have experienced it yourself. Or
maybe you think that domestic violence is simply wrong, and you want to do something about it. Here is the challenge; the call to action. We want a world where women and men, boys and girls can have the full support of their families, co-workers, religious organizations, friends and neighbors to have the courage to leave their abuser and start a fresh, well-deserved life. We want it to start in the minority communities; Caribbean-American, African-American, Asian-American and Latino. We want the whispers to stop. We want voices to be heard. We want support
Time to End the Abuse Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is not due to the abuser's loss of control over his or her behavior. In fact, abusive behavior and violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to control you. Therefore, you must make a personal decision to stop the abuse. There is no better time than now. Stand up for yourself. Say enough, say no more. Say it's time to end the abuse. Say there is no room for this anymore in my life, in my home, in my community. l
HELP FOR VICTIMS
NYC 24-hour domestic violence hotline 1-800-621-HOPE or 311
Teen Violence
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een violence is real, and is a big part of a teenager’s life in the society we live in today. It can include things like dating someone who is violent, who slaps them around frequently, to other teens in school beating on them. Your child sees violence in their school everyday; many teens are using drugs and alcohol and become very depressed. This can be dangerous because they are not thinking clearly and may bring a gun or knife to school. If teen is in a bad enough state they could shoot other students or themselves, or maybe a teacher that they feel has been unfair to them. Depression can cause anyone to become violent especially a teenager. Teens also see violence in their homes, they may see one parent beaten and abused by the other, and sometimes one of the parents may be guilty of beating their teen. Maybe the other parent is unaware of what is going on or is too afraid to do anything about it. This type of teen violence is not uncommon in l today’s society.l —www.atrisk.org
CIVIL RIGHTS
Gender Discrimination and Domestic Abuse
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BY JANET HOWARD
hildren who witness domestic violence are at an increased risk of having abusive relationships as adults, researchers have found. Being abused as a child and having behavioral problems also increases the risk of being violent as adults. Receiving excessive punishment is another risk factor. U.S. researchers from Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons and the New York State Psychiatric Institute followed 540 children for 20 years from 1975. If this study has one clear piece of advice for parents, it is never, ever hit each other in front of your children. Professor Terrie Moffitt, Institute of Psychiatry. They, and their mothers were interviewed in 1983, 1985 to 1986 and in 1991 to 1993. They were then sent a questionnaire in 1999 on recent life changes, work history, aggressive behaviour and relationship history, including any violent relationships If a pattern of violent behavior towards a partner has been established, it is difficult to change say the researchers. They say more needs to be done to develop prevention programs that can help children before they reach adolescence. Addressing behavioral problems in chil-
dren may also help prevent them being violent as adults, the researchers said. Gender discrimination or domestic abuse for the most part means a woman is the victim. In the Caribbean there is saying, “Tie your hen, when I let go my cock.” What does this “saying” mean? Well, women are solely responsible for pregnancies when there is consensual sex and my son cannot be blamed, because your daughter is promiscuous. Who teaches this, the mother, the father, or both? Let’s be bias, for every son there is a mother, what are these mothers teaching their boys? To respect women? To treat them differently, to treat them better than Blacks and Latinos? Where does the idea, that it is good, to discriminate against girls, young women, women, begin? In your home. Please, parents, let us teach our boys, young men, men, not to discriminate and not to abuse. Teach or males to love and respect all women. Our mothers, wives, sisters, aunts, fiances, girlfriends and daughters. l
Understanding Civil Rights continued from page 1
Brian Figeroux, Brooklyn, New York’s Civil Rights Champion When the Declaration of Independence asserted a fundamental right to "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness," it didn't apply to slaves or even to free black men. It didn't apply to women, and often didn't apply to immigrants. Not until the civil rights legislation of the 1960's, did the laws catch up with this vision of liberty and justice for all.
"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."? — The Declaration of Independence Reality has still not caught up with the law. Attorney Brian Figeroux, who came of age during the Abner Louima’s, landmark civil rights case in 1997, still finds himself busy addressing civil rights violations in 21st century America. Despite a long record of notable victories for clients stretching back over 15 years, he knows there is much work to be done.
A Civil Rights Lawsuit: The Chance to Be Heard The Law Offices of Figeroux & Associates represents men and women of every race and every station in life. Our Brooklyn-based lawyers have represented citizens of the New York City area in the full spectrum of civil rights and constitutional law litigation: 1. Police misconduct including excessive
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force, deadly force, false arrest, illegal searches, racial profiling and jail abuse. 2. Employment discrimination, including racial discrimination, sex discrimination and wrongful termination. 3. Civil rights abuses of people with mental illnesses or mental impairments 4. Violations of the First Amendment (free speech), Fourth Amendment (search and seizure), Eighth Amendment (cruel and unusual punishment) or Fourteenth Amendment (due process and equal protection).
Helping Citizens Stand Up for Their Rights Our clients are people who are unable to fight for themselves. For some, previous experience with the legal system has been painful or fruitless as a result they have no expectation of justice. For others, a criminal record, mental illness or addiction puts them at an automatic disadvantage when alleging police abuse or workplace discrimination l
HELP FOR VICTIMS
NYC 24-hour domestic violence hotline 1-800-621-HOPE or 311
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NEWS
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