KIM MURDOCH
LOL!
Don’t Be Stupid, Cupid!
H
appy Valentine’s Day! Or, as my husband likes to call it, “Happy Oh, Were We Supposed To Get Each Other Something?” Day. I know that one of the things that we teach our children is that it’s the thought that counts, right? Of course that’s what we teach them! They don’t have an income! They can’t drive to the store. They don’t have any CHOICE but to give us homemade gifts or half-eaten leftover Christmas candy canes for Valentine’s Day! You MEN on the other hand… One way to really set the tone for a great year with your sweetie is to get Valentine’s Day right! See, right about February when the weather is dreary, our post-Christmas letdown has set in, our New Year’s diets have gone by the wayside and the new season of Survivor hasn’t started yet, the only thing we ladies have to look forward to is Valentine’s Day; the one day when our fella can prove his love for us by taking some time out of his busy schedule to purchase a little trinket of his affection. (Unless, of course, your gal is a working gal, then you’d better up the ante. If she is, you can bet your sweet bippy that the next day is like the first day of school after Christmas vacation: “And what did YOU get, Susie?” The ratio of the greatness of someone else’s gift compared to HERS is directly related to the ratio of you receiving homecooked dinners or PB&J’s for the next month.) But, for most of us, it doesn’t cost much to make a girl happy. Times are hard. We ladies know that. But for crying out loud guys…make an effort. Women are SUCKERS for EFFORT. Let us think that there is a smidgen of planning on your part for Valentine’s Day. A little dough-re-me and quick stop into Hallmark, a flower shop, heck, even the candy aisle in Walmart (the BIG heart-shaped box of chocolates, boys … not the kiddie one) on the way home Valentine’s Eve will most assuredly put a smile on her face Valentine’s morning and avoid THIS conversation later in the day over the clatter of stomping feet and slamming cabinets: “What’s wrong, honey?” [ SLAM, BANG, CRASH!!! ] “.................... nothing.” Whatever you do ... whatEVER you do ...
do NOT do the convenience store stop-n-shop on the way home from work Valentine’s night. Really? REALLY? You’re going to be THAT guy? Pickins’ are mighty slim in there, men. You’re pretty much limited to plastic flowers and Slim Jims. And, in case you’re trying to stick with the flowers and candy theme, a $1.99 tattered, plastic gas station rose that still smells of the clerk’s cigarette does not equal a dozen red roses; and a 79¢ Milky Way in a brown paper bag does NOT equal a box of chocolates. If you’re even considering this, why don’t you just take out a five dollar bill, hand it to the clerk with the Marlboro dangling out of her mouth and ask her to punch you right SQUARE IN THE NOSE! I promise … it’ll be much less painful than what’s going to await you when you get home. If you DARE show up that night with such a paltry gift, please do make absolutely SURE that you ... take the receipt OUT of the bag before you hand it to her ... especially if you bought stuff for yourself that cost much MORE than the $2.78 that you spent on her. Let me break it down for you … remember those Mastercard commercials? Six-pack of Budweiser $7.99, five lottery tickets $10 ($10 for five lottery tickets because you’ll spring for the Power Play Powerball, of course), cheap, smoky-smelling, tattered, ragged, fake, faded red rose, $1.99, one regular sized chocolate candy bar 79¢ … the look on your wife’s face when she finds the receipt in the bottom of her Valentine Spectacular ... priceless. I’m not saying you have to go all out and blow a hundred dollars, boys…but at least take a moment to pop into Food Lion for an American Greetings card and six-pack of Hershey Bars with almonds, alright? Remember...EFFORT! It’s cold in February. Unless Chez Pooch is insulated and has a heat pump, I’m thinking the more you can do to avoid spending frozen nights snuggled up to Fido in the dog house the better. Plus... it’ll be a long time before you can rectify your Valentine FAIL. Mother’s Day isn’t until May. Gotta go. I need to find some old warm blankets for the hubs. In case he doesn’t read this before February 14th, he’s probably going to be needing them. €
CarolinaSalt.com » February / March 2020 CAROLINA SALT 19
