IDENTITY COLLECTIVE - Vol 1 Issue 0 by Carrie Braybrooks

VOL 1 ISSUE 0

The “Halfie” Issue TRISH CADDY / EMMA CHESTER / HEATHER CHESTER / EVA EGEBERG / TEAGAN HARRIS / JAIME LEE / COULTER NORONHA / SAMANTHA ROSS

The “Halfie” Issue VOL 1 ISSUE 0

WHAT'S Letter from the Editor p.4

Eva Egeberg p.8

Teagan Harris p.22

Emma & Heather Chester p.24

INSIDE Coulter Noronha p.32

Jaime Lee p.40

Samantha Ross p.44

Trish Caddy p.54

Letter from the Editor

“A halfie.” This is often my answer when asked, “What are you?” Most of the time people know what I mean by that, especially people of my generation and younger. It’s become such a normalized term in my life that I never consider that some people might be confused about its meaning. I’ve never given much thought as to why that’s my go-to answer. Why don’t I just tell people what I literally am? Maybe because I don’t really feel a particular leaning to either half of my ethnicity, not in a significant way at least. I was definitely raised with more British influences than Filipino ones, but I wouldn’t necessarily identify as British (or Filipino for that matter) unless someone pressed me about my ethnic background. Except let’s be honest, I’m not often pressed about my ethnicity. More often than not, you’ll just find me having to correct people who assume I’m Latina. Identity has been a hot topic as of late, but what I’ve found to be overlooked is biracial identity and the uniqueness of that experience. That’s what inspired the pilot issue of Identity Collective. I’ve brought together a beautiful collection of photographs and interviews featuring seven ‘halfies’ in my life, each with a different story and perspective, yet founded on a common ground. I’m proud to be a ‘halfie’. To me, that word feels more a part of my identity than British and Filipino ever have. I’ve always enjoyed the uniqueness of it, and anyone who knows me knows I love to stand out. As someone who likes to have their finger in every pie, I’m glad to have options. Variety, if you will. Instead of being half of something, I can be both of two things. I’m getting a sweet deal, I think. Identity Collective promotes the idea that identity can be whatever you want it to be. It changes and evolves with you. It is not set in stone, not now, not ever. I hope you enjoy this issue as much as I enjoyed creating it, and I hope it inspires you to reflect on your story and experiences and appreciate it in its uniqueness. It’s cheesy and disgusting and I hate to say it, but isn’t it kinda sick that there will only ever be one you? Ok, I’m gonna tap out now before it gets worse. ENJOY!

– CARRIE BRAYBROOKS

Eva Egeberg Interview Carrie Braybrooks Photography Carrie Braybrooks

“Europeans always say, ‘Oh Americans are so obsessed with race’, but I don’t think they realize that they are too.”

My cultural identity is very fluid– it’s not linear or set in stone. It’s changed a lot throughout the years as I’ve gotten older and learned more about myself. I feel more in tune with it now, but I think it’s something that can always change.

whatsoever to my Mom. It was when I was a preteen that it took a turn.

When I was about 12, the image of me being a potato loving Norwegian girl was shattered [laughs]. As I grew older and started to make my own decisions, that’s when I’m quite disconnect- I started to show ined from my home terest in my Mom’s country. Norwegians side. When I was 11, would call me an imI went on vacation in migrant despite the Thailand for the first fact that I am also time since I was 2 Norwegian and was years old. There was born and raised there such a long gap in for 18 years. In Norbetween those trips way if you’re not Cau- because it was usualcasian, you’re basily my Dad who’d book cally not considered our flights and he a true Norwegian. I never took the initiaexperienced a lot of tive to take me there. hurtful comments over the years that I felt a lot more at led to me feeling dis- home in Thailand connected from Noreven though when I’m way. I’d say recentthere I’m still treatly when I was living ed very differently there during the pan- because I’m a halfie. demic, I almost felt They’re obsessed with like a stranger in my your looks– but everyown country. Europe- one is so nice to you. ans always say, “Oh It felt like a positive Americans are so ob- thing to be different sessed with race”, but for once. I don’t think they realize that they are too. The friends I had as a child, my neighborI felt the most conhood friends, they nected to being Nornever pointed out the wegian as a child fact that I was differbecause I was raised ent. It was only when in a very traditional I got to elementary Norwegian way by school that people my Dad. At that time started making comI felt no connection ments. At around age

11 or 12 I became When I was a teenaware of being differ- ager, I would fret ent and was all of a about not having that sudden more cognisense of belonging sant of the comments anywhere but now people were making that I’m older I’m like, about me. “Why do I need to feel that? Why do I need One of the main reato feel a specific besons I came to study longing to a group of at Emily Carr or move people or to a physito Canada in genercal space? Who said al was because at you need to feel that?” that point in my life at 18, I knew I didn’t I don’t really underwant to live in Norway stand patriotism beanymore. I felt like a cause I don’t feel that stranger in that coun- at all. However, I can try even though it’s picture myself abroad, my home country. No telling people, “Oh matter what I did, I felt I’m from Canada”, like I would always be and I guess I kind of told that I’m not Noram. I’m a resident of wegian enough. This Canada and I do feel is the case for a lot proud to say that. I of immigrant children don’t feel patriotic in Norway, and even towards Norway at all, adopted children who like most of the stuff I have no connection tell people about the to their home councountry is… hmm, like, try, only Norway. This don’t hire me for Noris sad because the way Tourism Associmistreatment is solely ation. Let’s just say based on looks. that [laughs]. Whenever I meet Scandinavians outside of Norway I feel a little bit of pride and belonging in regards to being Norwegian. As for being Thai, that feeling doesn’t come up for me but despite that, I will say the atmosphere in Thailand is very “home” to me. But overall, I don’t feel like I have a place in the world where I truly belong.

In my teen years, my identity was shaped by my surroundings and by other people, but as I got older and really examined my relationship with my parents, I just started to feel this resentment– particularly towards my Dad, which then led me to my resentment of my Norwegian side.

“When I was a teenager, I would fret about not having that sense of belonging anywhere but now that I’m older I’m like, ‘Why do I need to feel that? Why do I need to feel a specific belonging to a group of people or to a physical space? Who said you need to feel that?’”

My Mom was “othered” by my Dad’s side which has caused me to resent them as well. I don’t think my Grandma ever accepted my Mom even though she’s been nothing but nice in return. At one point my Mom stopped coming to the family gatherings. She couldn’t join in on a lot of the conversations and they would have to be simplified for her to understand or relate to. I think she felt left out a lot. I felt like my Dad isolated me from my Mom’s side and that really backfired. If you’re going to have biracial children, then you must do some research into the other culture. It was unfair to me but also to my Mom because she never got to introduce me to her culture when I was a child. It was something I had to initiate myself. For example, in high school when I decided to go on exchange in Thailand. I always wished I had a Thai name. I know a lot of halfies that have a middle name or surname from both of their parents but my name is just Eva Egeberg. Very Norwegian.

But it’s also practical. hand, there’s behavIt makes my chances ior, and then on the of getting a job inter- other, there’s identity. view stronger in Nor- They’re two separate way, as fucked up as things. I really don’t that sounds. feel like being Norwegian is part of my There are some things identity. that are deeply engrained in me and my Overall, I feel pretway of being that are ty accepted by both innately Norwegian, sides of my family. My such as my expecMom’s side, they see tations and sense of me as a foreigner but humour. Also my way they still accept me. of being in the sense My Dad’s side, I think that I’m reserved; I they kind of deny my don’t like to small Thai side. As a child talk. These are very I felt “othered” by my Norwegian qualities. paternal Grandma. But I just don’t see She sometimes made myself as a Norwebackhanded comgian because on one ments about Thailand,

saying it’s a third world country, saying that it’s so behind. She would always compare me to my two younger cousins who are both blonde and blue eyed. She’d say how beautiful their hair was and then almost like an afterthought she’d compliment my dark hair too. It always made me feel less than. I used to think that being mixed race complicated my identity, but not anymore. I don’t think I really relate to being mixed that much, I just happen to be that way. It’s just a component of my identity, but it does not fully make up who I am. At this point in my life I am satisfied with my level of connectedness to my cultures. Now being in Canada, it doesn’t really matter to anyone what my background is so it’s been nice to not have to think about it for a change. I feel satisfied not feeling like I need to feel a sense of belonging… I have a pretty strong sense of self– I know who I am. I don’t need to feel a strong connection to a certain group, or a place to feel whole.

Teagan Harris Interview Carrie Braybrooks

My cultural identity is technically half white, half Chinese, but it feels closer to ‘white with a hint of Chinese’. I feel like the Chinese part of me comes through more in values and mindset, and the white part is more day-today things. I feel a bit more connected to my white side mostly from growing up

in a predominantly white city (Ottawa) and white culture. The way I was raised was where the Chinese influence came in a lot more. My Chinese side pressured me to succeed and provided a very distinct view of success compared to my white side.

back home to Ottawa, my more Asian tendencies show themselves more.

I don’t think I’ve ever been judged by either side of my family for being mixed. The only thing I would say is that my white side I think judges my Asian side for putting career My levels of connect- or material success edness to both sides above other things, or have stayed pretty above simply doing consistent over the what’s best for you years. Growing up in and your happiness. Ottawa, I felt more My white side really connected to my Chi- values doing what’s nese side because of right and doing good the lack of Asian peo- by yourself and othple there. Then when ers. It goes both ways I moved to Vancouver though; for example where there are lots my Chinese side may of Chinese people, I judge my white side felt less connected– for making decisions almost like I wasn’t that aren’t directChinese enough. So ly aligned with their change for me was values of success. I definitely related to don’t think I wouldn’t location. When I go say being mixed race has complicated my formation of identity per se; I think the main complication for me would be the conflicting values from both sides.

I’d say I’m satisfied with my level of connectedness to my white half, but I do feel like I have a responsibility to try to connect or identify more with my Asian half. I wish I could speak the language and knew a bit more about the culture. At the same time though, I don’t feel that I fully fit into that culture or truly identify with it. Given that, I also don’t necessarily feel left out of the culture or left out of something that I “should” be a part of. I think if you grow up not feeling like a part of something, you don’t necessarily end up wishing you were a part of it. It’s different from what you’re used to– and typically, people like what they’re used to. That’s what they’re comfortable with.

Emma & Heather Chester Interview Carrie Braybrooks Photography Carrie Braybrooks

“I’ve found myself coming to terms with not being half of something, but rather being both – being Taiwanese and British – which feels a lot better than saying half.” -Heather

Emma: We’re half white (technically British, but I just say white because our Dad was born in Canada), and half Taiwanese. Culturally I’ve never really identified more with one or the other, I identify most with being Canadian– but not white Canadian. I identify with being from Vancouver and being around so many different people and cultures.

didn’t learn Chinese However, I’ll say that though, but I think it hasn’t always been the fact that our Mom that way. Growing made a point of takup, I felt as though I ing us back to Taihad to subscribe to a wan often was really specific group, being Heather: I do feel important. Our Dad either entirely Asian more connected to was really supportor entirely white. Eimy Taiwanese side ive of all of this too. ther that or I’d just be rather than my British He even said once, that ‘half Asian friend’. side. I could attribute “You were supposed Now I’ve found mythis to the frequent to learn Chinese self coming to terms visits to Taiwan since and you didn’t!” and with not being half of I was kid but I think he seemed kind of something, but rathit was more so my pissed about it, and er being both – being Mother actively tryI said, “It’s not our Taiwanese and British ing to practice our fault!” [laughs]. – which feels a lot betTaiwanese traditions ter than saying half. Heather: I feel as (compared to our I think being mixed though growing up Father’s side’s white race does complicate Emma: I wish I could in Vancouver, a very superiority complex). the way I form my speak Mandarin so culturally diverse Since growing up with identity a bit. Heather that’s been something place, I’ve never real- these traditions, I can and I had a conversa- I worked towards in ly viewed my cultursay that the connection about it where we school. I missed out al identity as being tion has always been talked about having on getting a Taiwandirected towards a consistent. Although some identity crises ese passport when I singular background, with the pandembut I don’t think it’s was younger so I feel but rather a mix of ic, I’ve found it has ever been that dire; like I missed an opTaiwanese-Canadian been hard connecting it doesn’t impact me portunity to further with some British cul- with family members that heavily. I feel like solidify my identity, in tural tendencies. abroad. the older you get, es- a legal way I suppose. pecially with society Emma: I feel like Emma: We saw both progressing more, it’s Heather: Currently there’s a theory that sides of our family less of a prominent being in the middle of says you feel more quite a bit. We had a thing. I think it also a global pandemic, I connected to whichlot of exposure to our depends on where certainly can say that ever culture belongs Asian side because you live because I I feel a sort of disto the parent you’re we went back to Taiwas really fortunate connection from my closer with– so for wan with my Mom a to grow up in a very family and therefore me personally I’m lot; and we would also Asian-dominant com- my culture because of closer with my Mom see lots of my white munity, but I know the distance between so I identify slightly side because they all friends who grew up us, but I’m sure that more with the Asian live in the province. I in white-dominant it will resolve itself side even though I never felt like there communities, and it when it all blows over. can’t speak the lanwas one side I didn’t was a very different So yes above all, I guage. I think when I see often enough. My experience for them. do feel satisfied with was younger I didn’t parents wanted us to my connection to my really understand if I have connections to Heather: As of right cultures. was white or if I was both sides– they acnow, I feel confident Asian. We grew up tively made that effort. in my identity and in Vancouver where I am disappointed we how I see myself.

there are so many different cultures around. That meant that I never really felt “othered” because of my race.

Emma: There’s alwould come up to ways going to be a her on the street kind of “othering” to- and say, “OMG, your wards my sister and I kid is so cute. Can because our parents I hold them?” and were the only ones in my Mom was like their respective fami- “WTF” [laughs]. Now lies to marry outside there’s a lot more their race and then halfies in the world have biracial kids. It’s but back when we like, on the white side were kids, we were we’ll always be “the kind of the first big Asian kids”, and on batch of halfies, our the Asian side we’ll generation. I’ve nevalways be “the white er been discriminatkids”. I’ve never felt ed against… what I’m unaccepted though; not a fan of though is I’m just aware of our when people say to differences– even in me that they aspire photos, the two of us to have halfie kids are always the odd which I think is kind ones out. of gross. I feel like your kids will be cute Heather: I know regardless, but okay my Taiwanese side [laughs]. doesn’t necessarily see me as not part of the family, but I have experienced some judgement from them because I think they see me as more white than Asian. As for my white side, I’ve witnessed them passing judgement on my Asian Mom. Emma: On my Asian side there’s a lot of fetishization of halfies. A lot of Asians will say, “Oh my God, you’re such a cute kid because you’re mixed race and light skinned”. My Mom was telling me once that when she took me to Taiwan as a toddler, other people

Coulter Noronha Interview Carrie Braybrooks Photography Carrie Braybrooks

“The only time my family ever singles out halfies is when they say that we ‘always look really good’… just pumping our tires basically.”

My Dad is East Indian and my Mom is second generation Canadian (but her family is Irish). I don’t necessarily feel half Indian and half Irish, and I think that’s for a variety of reasons. My Dad was born in Kenya, so he never even lived in India– he’s pretty whitewashed. On top of that, my Dad’s parents are Catholic so with that came a lot of European tradition. The only part of Indian culture that I was really exposed to is the food. Most of my family has been living in Canada for a really long time so we don’t have many cultural traditions.

me or my sister. The only time my family ever singles us out as halfies is when they say that we ‘always look really good’… just pumping our tires basically.

Being mixed race doesn’t complicate the way I form my identity, and I’m relatively white-passing so it’s never been a big deal. I feel like I could be more connected and involved with my different cultures though. I want to visit both Ireland and India but I just haven’t had the opportunity to really plan those trips since moving to BC and away from my extended family. That said, my parents are I wouldn’t say I feel lucky to have a good closer or more conlevel of connection nected to either side to their cultural backof my family in a grounds because they cultural or physical both grew up around sense. Both sides extended family are Catholic and both which I think helps a live out in Ontario lot. I wish I had been so I see them similar around my relatives amounts as well. I’ve more growing up in also never felt any order to gain more of judgement from either that cultural influence. side of my family for ethnic reasons. Obviously, my Mom’s side of the family has a problem with my Dad because he came out after they were married for 15 years, but that has nothing to do with me and doesn’t get projected onto

Jaime Lee Interview Carrie Braybrooks Photography Carrie Braybrooks

“Sometimes people ask, ‘Oh, where are you from?’ and when I say I’m Canadian, they come back with, ‘No, where are you actually from?’ ...sometimes you don’t know how to respond. Do you go with where you live? Where you call home? Or where your ancestry or lineage derives?”

I think the majority of my identity comes from my nationality. I feel very Canadian. I’m very outdoorsy, I connect with that a lot, but at the same time it’s not all of me. My Mom’s family is from all over Europe: France, Scandinavia, and other places that I can’t even think of right now. Growing up, my Mom wanted us to be more connected to our Chinese side, so we attended Chinese school but we ended up getting kicked out because we weren’t “Chinese enough”. They didn’t say those exact words, but that was the impression we got. It was my Mom that always dropped us off, not my Dad, so that could’ve contributed to it.

so is everyone else. Getting asked this question every so often has been the only time where I’ve had a bit of uncertainty about my cultural identity. Sometimes you don’t know how to respond. Do you go with where you live? Where you call home? Or where your ancestry or lineage derives? It’s such an odd question. I don’t take offense to people asking or guessing what I am; I’m more intrigued by what they’re guessing. “You’re Hawaiian”. I get that a lot. Either that or Japanese or Native.

I definitely connect more with my white side of the family because of the connections and relationships I have with Being mixed race them vs. my Chinese doesn’t heavily comside who are more plicate how I form my closed off. I struggle identity, but I would a bit with my Chinese say that sometimes side because they people ask, “Oh, refuse to talk about where are you from?” anything personal. and when I say I’m I’m most connected Canadian, they come to them during times back with, “No, where of tradition, such as are you actually from?” death anniversaries This happened to and Chinese New me a lot when I was Year, whereas with traveling. I was born my white side I feel in Canada, my parconsistently connectents were both born ed to them throughin Canada, but ethout the year. I have a nically, I’m a mix of stronger relationship different things– but with them because I

feel I can be myself. We’re more authentic, more casual and goofy. My Asian side makes me feel that I need to be sharp, more polite, and more put together because they’re watching you and probably judging you. I have to be so cautious of what I’m doing around them. I’ve felt this way since I was young. Overall, I feel accepted by both sides of my family. My Mom however was shamed by my Asian side for being white and was never accepted by my paternal Grandma at all. I didn’t notice this until I was older… why my Mom would never attend dinners and family get togethers. I try to separate what I see happen to my Mom from my personal experience with my Asian family. I can see that it’s wrong but at the same time they’re already old and nothing is going to change their minds at this point. I want my relationship with them to be as good as it can be and my Mom is in support of that. I haven’t been completely free of judgment from family members though. When I got back from my gap year in

Australia, my Chinese Grandma said I was “a big, big girl” and that I was super chubby and should stop eating. I replied, “Thank you, I’m actually really hungry though”. After that, I stopped seeing her and going to dinners for a little while because I didn’t want to be shamed for eating. Sometimes I feel unimportant on my Chinese side of the family because in their culture, the eldest is the only important child in the family, so my older sister is the only one they’ll remember. She got some of her schooling paid for by our family, whereas myself and my younger sister have to pay for ours all on our own. When you’re younger, some kids sometimes make assumptions like, “Oh, all Asians are good at math” and then they’ll question why you did badly on a test or ask, “Are you ESL?” People did expect me to be really smart in school, but part of that could be because my Dad was a teacher there.

I wish I knew more about my Chinese side, but at the same time there’s a reason I haven’t pushed for it more. I feel like I’ve been… not rejected necessarily, but I don’t feel particularly welcomed with open arms. I’m not saying my Chinese relatives are mean, they’re not, but for example with my Grandma, you can’t ask questions about her past because that’s seen as shameful. It came out recently that we have this whole secret family that had shunned my Grandma for like, 30 years. Everything is a secret so it’s hard to connect with her. My Dad also doesn’t feel as connected to his Chinese roots as he would like. He wished that he knew

how to speak the language but when he was a kid, my Grandma didn’t want him to have an accent because at that time, in that generation, she thought that was best for him growing up in a western country. She wouldn’t speak to him or his siblings at all because she doesn’t know much English; she only yelled at them in Chinese, so my Dad only understands when he’s in trouble. He visited China to try and connect with his background more but he still feels unsatisfied with the level of connection he has. I also wish I knew more about my European side but I think to do that I’d have to go traveling to Europe, so that’s something I hope to do one day.

Sam Ross Interview Carrie Braybrooks Photography Carrie Braybrooks

“Growing up in a very white community, I felt like that’s what I needed to be in order to fit in. Now as I’m getting older, I feel like I’m becoming more in touch with my Japanese side– at least I’m striving to be.”

Growing up, my maternal grandparents were a huge Japanese influence for me. They always helped me feel connected to that half of my culture. Where I grew up and went to school in North Van, that was so white. I feel like most of my life I felt more connected to my white side because of how and where I was raised. Growing up in a very white community, I felt like that’s what I needed to be in order to fit in. Now as I’m getting older, I feel like I’m becoming more in touch with my Japanese side– at least I’m striving to be. I’m finally branching out of that small white community that I grew up in. I don’t know if society has changed in the sense that being Asian is “cool” now, but it’s almost like Asians have a higher status than when we were growing up. I think a lot of halfies felt that as kids– it was cooler to lean into your white side at the time. I know that when I was younger, I wanted to identify more with my white side but now I’m no longer embarrassed or ashamed of my

Asian side. I embrace that part of me that I never did before and I strive to connect with it further. For example, in university I chose to take a Japanese language class and I’m happy that I learned a bit about the culture through that. My Dad was born in Vancouver and hopped around the country a lot growing up, ending up in Ontario. Then he came back to Vancouver as an adult to start his family. On my Asian side, my Grandma was born in Japan, but my Grandpa was actually born in Ucluelet, BC and my Mom in Vancouver so a good portion of our family’s identity is actually Canadian – not even Japanese – so it makes sense that I’d feel a lot more connected to my white side growing up.

white culture… McDonald’s? I guess Thanksgiving is a pretty white thing to do. My white family always gets together for that. As for my Japanese side, I think I could feel more connected to it, maybe if I could speak the language fluently. I’ve also never even been to Japan. It’s only at family reunions where I see and connect to that side of the family. Even my white side I wish I could feel more connected to. I feel like being mixed race might complicate how I form my identity a bit, just because it is an extra thing to consider, but it’s also just who I am so it must help form my identity in some sense. It’s hard to say. It could just be the point I’m at in my life right now but I feel a bit lost. I need to find myself a bit more.

I feel fully accepted by both sides of my family. Aside from one cousin, I’m the only mixed race person in my family but I’ve never actually noticed it– I’ve never been singled out, thankfully. In terms of white culture, I honestly don’t know what that even is [laughs]. What is

Trish Caddy Interview Carrie Braybrooks

I’m culturally Canadian and Filipino. Or Caucasian-Canadian and Filipino-Canadian, I’d say. My Mom is Filipino and my Dad is Canadian. I feel that because I am somewhat ethnically ambiguous, and extremely white-passing, I feel more Filipino on the inside than what I seem on the outside. I think that means that I walk through life differently on the inside than how I’m commonly perceived based on my outsides. I know I don’t look like somebody that most people would imagine when they picture a Filipino person, but I feel Filipino on the inside. My upbringing and family life were strongly Filipino. Besides my Dad, every meaningful adult in my life growing up was Filipino. That being said, I was raised in Canada, so I do

feel connected to my Canadian culture as well. Most of my family members that I was close to growing up were Filipino immigrants to Canada so I think a lot of the values, expectations, and culture passed onto me at home or at family gatherings was Filipino. At the same time though, I was also subject to the expectations of Canadian culture because I went to public school and was of course surrounded by other Canadians and had Canadian friends. I feel like I belong to both sides, but in terms of my family identity I definitely identify more with my Filipino side than my Caucasian side. However, this could also be attributed to the fact that I know a lot more of my Filipino family than my Caucasian family. My Dad wasn’t very close with his family and they weren’t involved much in my life growing up. As a kid, I spent a lot of time at my maternal Grandma and Grandpa’s house. I’d get picked up from school and be there for hours until my Mom got home and that went on for years and years. That was my childhood. I grew up being told

that I should appreciate what I have here in Canada because of everything my Mom and the rest of the family gave up in the Philippines to be here. My Mom never spoke Tagalog in the house when it was just my Dad around because she very much wanted me to fit in with Canadian culture. She’s the one who corrected my English, not my Dad. If I started to talk a little bit more like the Filipino aunts and uncles around me, she was the one who corrected my grammar and made sure that I was speaking proper English. A lot of that is steeped in internalized racism and at that point in time in the world, you weren’t going to get by if you publicly held on too tightly to your culture.

the world for appearing as a woman than I would if I appeared as a man boggles my mind. On top of that, I don’t feel like I’m a non-binary person, but inside I don’t feel very strongly about being female. It doesn’t matter as much inside as it feels like it matters outside in society. I feel that way about being mixed race as well. It seems to matter more to society than it does to us as biracial people.

The other side of it is often people don’t know what I am. They don’t know that I’m mixed race. I just look “not white” the way that other people look white, but I still sort of fit into that white box. Does it affect how I form my identity? No. But I think it affects how other people form their thinkWhen I’m thinking ing about me. I don’t about my inner voice think my identity mator my inner self or ters as much to me whatever, it doesn’t as it seems to matter lean more to any spe- to people who want cific side, Filipino to label me. People or white. It just feels want to know… like, like me. And I often “What are you?” It’s find it odd that as I as if they feel uncomgo through the world, fortable not knowing people see these lawhat you are or are bels that to me, don’t unduly intrigued. I do feel innately part of understand though who I am. The fact that people are curithat I probably get ous so I usually just treated differently in tell them what I am.

I think I feel fully accepted by my Filipino side, and I don’t feel unaccepted necessarily by my white side. I just don’t know them very well. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced judgement from family for being a halfie. I mean, I’ve received lots of very blunt, matter of fact comments about me looking different than my cousins, but nothing that I ever felt was malicious or anything like that. It’s more just factual. It’s like, “Oh Trish, you’re looking so white” and I’m like, “That’s because I am white. Because my Father is white. So today I look white. This is true” [laughs]. Sometimes I wonder how my experience being mixed race would change if I looked Filipino. I wonder it a lot. I do think that white-passing biracial people in a white-privileged society walk through the world differently than people who don’t have that privilege. We’re subject to a lot fewer biases and fewer negative stereotypes.

There’s definitely a fetishization of biracial people. I almost certainly benefit from that fetishization in big and small ways as I go through the world, too. I’m sure it’s damaging in some ways, but also in lots of other ways such as when I was a waitress, it was extremely beneficial. That mystique can be advantageous. But am I supposed to feel bad about that? Or do I choose to see it like a marginalized group capitalizing on what could be oppressive, such as sex workers earning a living the way they do. So I don’t know, it depends on how you look at it. I also don’t want to invalidate anyone who feels differently on the same topic, but for me, probably based on the fact that I’m a very privileged individual, it doesn’t really bother me so much.

like a large part of who you are, you can still always claim it. My family was very involved in the Filipino community when I was growing up; we would attend all the events. Of course at these events I wouldn’t be constantly looking in the mirror comparing myself to others, I’d just be in a sea of Asian people, existing. I’m sure they were seeing my whiteness, but I didn’t.

Outside of my house and my family, I think I feel immersed in a predominantly white culture, so I don’t feel as disconnected from that as I think I would have felt if I had been the same biracial person raised in the Philippines. Then I think I would feel quite differently about the fact that I don’t really know anyone on my Dad’s side of the family very well and I’m I also can’t change or not that connected to control the way peothem. I wonder how ple perceive me. I do curious I would have think it’s good though been about my white to recognize the ways side of the family if I in which we really grew up in a setting benefit from being where white wasn’t young, good looking the standard norm biracial people who that I see around me, have an education and if I didn’t fit into and who can claim an that norm. identity in two different worlds. Even if one half doesn’t feel

I would love to learn more about my cultures and be more immersed than I currently am. You know, when I get homesick, what I get homesick for is my Filipino culture. Anytime I’ve ever been homesick it’s never been for anything to do with white culture. It’s been Filipino food or even though I don’t speak the language, I’d miss the sound of Tagalog. I remember when I moved away for university and it was my first time away from home, whenever I’d hear Filipino strangers speaking to each other in public, it would make me homesick. I’d purposely eat at the Philippine Bayanihan Community Centre in Victoria just to hear it. So that’s definitely a situation where my internal Filipino identity becomes evident, meanwhile everything else about me looks or seems white. The Filipino side just feels more like… me to me.

“I don’t think my identity matters as much to me as it seems to matter to people who want to label me.”

Trish with her maternal grandparents (1993)

big thanks TO MY CONTRIBUTORS:

VOL 1 ISSUE 0

AN INDEPENDENT PUBLICATION BY CARRIE BRAYBROOKS