Think fit
T he
Kick loneliness to the curb
ne lo ang er
… By following Dr Sharp’
te
ful life Positive thoughts crea #1 Create a meaninging a vision board of your perfect life
positive action, so start by mak ines the details on page 54). (WF life coach Debbie Spellman outl on negatives, write down what’s Be gr ateful Instead of focusing and qualities, and stick it on the good about your life, plus your strengths things worth appreciating. fridge. It’ll be a daily reminder of the d mind Meditate for at least Look after your body an try the free Headspace app. And do a few minutes a day. If you’re new to it, week, even if it’s an easy yoga class. something active two to three times a t yourself rather than sit at Hav e fun Even if you’re alone, trea ee, or have a picnic in the sunshine. home. Get a massage, go out for coff doesn’t necessarily mean “fun”, Do satisf ying things This of achievement when you’re finished. but rather tasks that give you a sense ough spring clean. Think your tax return, or doing a thor a running club – anything that Bre ak routine Book a trip, join increase the chance of meeting people. will bring spontaneity to your life and
#2
r
#3
#4
#5 #6
Loneliness hits 33-year-old Megan* hardest on Friday nights. When many women are socialising with friends or partners, the overwhelming feeling of being alone can be heartbreaking. “I think, ‘God, what kind of a life is this? I should be out having fun with people’,” says Megan. We usually associate loneliness with the elderly, but increasingly, young women are experiencing isolation. Relationships Australia found that 30 per cent of people aged between 25 and 34 are frequently lonely, while research by the Australia Institute adds that young women on low incomes are most likely to feel alone. The impact it has on our mental health is often recognised, but the physical effects of loneliness can be just as frightening. Brigham Young University research indicates it can be as bad for us as smoking 15 cigarettes a day or being an alcoholic – but having friends can actually increase our survival rate by 50 per cent. womensfitnessmagazine.com.au
womensfitnessaustralia
@womensfitnessmag
@womensfitnessau
words Cassie White photography pamela hanson/trunk archive/Snapper media *Name has been changed
Sleepless nights, flu, disease – loneliness damages more than just your social life
58
s steps to ha ppiness
After analysing chronically lonely people, University of Chicago experts discovered that social isolation causes genes to stop guarding against viruses. This means more infections, flus and even a higher risk of cancer. “The other major thing is that people who experience loneliness don’t sleep well, so they have a lot of daytime fatigue,” says clinical psychologist Dr Peta Stapleton. “That appears to be tied to problems such as hardened arteries, high blood pressure, inflammation, decreased circulation – even learning memory. If someone genuinely feels this sense of being empty, alone and unwanted, their body will respond, no matter how old they are.”
Why so lonely?
It’s hard to fathom why so many of us feel alone in a world that’s never been more connected. “It’s the disconnectedness that comes with our busy lives,” Dr Stapleton explains. “We don’t have that traditional family unit with a Sunday roast anymore. People are finding partners and starting families, and not being available for friends, so some people are left out and feel like the boat has sailed without them.” Cliquey friendship groups are hard to infiltrate, too, says Megan. “I think it’s just the way life is; you stick with people you know and it’s hard to include outsiders,” she adds. Of course, being lonely at times is a normal part of life, says psychologist Dr Timothy Sharp from The Happiness Institute. “Where we draw the line is if it
starts to impact on your thinking and concentration or mood,” he explains, adding that lying awake at night worrying about not being in a relationship, or feeling like you don’t have any friends, are signs it could be getting the better of you. “If you haven’t spoken to someone for more than a day or two, that’s a glaring sign,” warns Dr Stapleton. “You might end a relationship, change jobs and not know anyone, or move to a new area. If you meet people and your life moves on, then that period of loneliness would have been perfectly normal.” But if you’re six to 12 months down the track and still have those intense feelings of being isolated, that suggests it’s having a big interference in your life. TV shows like Sex and the City have sold women the idea that life should be full of dating and dinner parties, with a close group of girlfriends we can call at all hours. But life rarely imitates art – especially since friends are often married with children. “It’s hard to meet single women in their thirties who don’t have any commitments,” says Megan. “I would really like to be in a relationship, because just staying at home and sharing a conversation with someone is really important.” But having a family doesn’t guarantee you won’t feel alone: the Australia Institute reports that coupled-up
✻
womensfitnessmagazine.com.au
people with kids are commonly lonely, indicating connection is lost when juggling kids and careers is added to the mix.
Don’t go it alone
The good news is that the health effects of loneliness can be reversed, with a solid dose of old-fashioned human connection. So how many friends should we have? “Somewhere between two and five is all we need,” says Dr Sharp. “We’re talking about that level of intimacy where you can tell these people your problems.” Dr Stapleton stresses that while online relationships can help, they’re no substitute for human contact. “They can’t be the sole source, otherwise people are still too isolated.” But if your self-esteem is low, it’s often not as easy as striking up conversations with strangers. “I tell people to take the focus off themselves and volunteer,” says Dr Stapleton. “You connect with people because you’re working in teams and you’ve taken that first step.” (Visit govolunteer. com.au to suss out opportunities.) A good workout could also help lift the effects of loneliness – in fact, research shows that exercise rivals antidepressants for treating mild depression. Find an activity that makes you feel good about yourself and connected to other people, says clinical psychologist Dr Julie Malone. And be kind to yourself. “You might be anxious about joining, say, a netball team and not knowing anyone, but be patient,” she advises. “Tell yourself, ‘I know this is difficult, but it’s something that I really want to do, so I’m going to go gently’. You won’t talk to everyone on the first day, but just slowly work your way up to it.” According to Dr Sharp, learning how to build connections means acknowledging that we feel vulnerable. “It’s important to let other people see inside us a bit more,” he says. “We’re afraid to do that in case we send people running, but often it has the opposite effect.” It’s something Megan’s gradually become comfortable with. “I try to be as true to myself as possible when I meet people. It’s taken me so long to realise there’s no point trying to impress them.” Ironically, by being honest, you’ll likely find that you aren’t the only one who feels isolated, says Dr Sharp. “If everyone allowed themselves to be vulnerable, we’d all realise we’re not alone.”
isit beyondblue.org.au V s? es lin ne lo th wi g lin gg Stru for information on where to find help in your area.
womensfitnessaustralia
@womensfitnessmag
@womensfitnessau
59