WellBeing | Special report: 'Going Solo'

LlFE TRANSlTlONS

Going

SOLO

BY CASSIE WHITE

SOME MAJOR LIFE TRANSITIONS JUST HAVE TO BE NEGOTIATED ALONE, BUT IT HELPS IF YOU HAVE PREPARED YOURSELF WITH THE TOOLS TO TACKLE THEM.

T

here are things in life you’re going to do alone.

Sometimes it’s because you want to, while other times you don’t have a choice. Either way, taking on major life changes can be tough when you’re by yourself. Chances are at times you’ll be drowning in fear and selfdoubt, which is enough to make many people close the curtains and hide out instead. You can have all the help or support in the world, but going it alone means you’re the one taking the risk.

These are also the moments, however, when you truly learn the ceij WXekj oekhi[b\1 m^[h[ oek jWa[ W Xh[Wj^ WdZ Z_l[ ^[WZÒhij _dje the next stage of life. As former US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice put it so beautifully, “Life is full of surprises and serendipity.

Being open to unexpected turns in the road is an important part of success. If you try to plan every step, you may miss those wonderful jm_iji WdZ jkhdi$ @kij ÒdZ oekh d[nj WZl[djkh[" Ze _j m[bb" [d`eo _j and then, not now, think about what comes next.”

Over the following pages we break down some of the biggest jhWdi_j_edi oekÉbb [l[h cWa[ WdZ ]_l[ oek j^[ jeebi je dej `kij jWYab[ j^[c Xkj ]hem ijhed][h \eh _j$ ?j Ze[idÉj cWjj[h m^[j^[h oek `kcf eh are pushed — what matters is how you land.

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CHANGING CAREER

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“The first step is to identify what you’re fearful of, then turn that into a positive powerful statement.”

:[XehW^ I^[f^[hZ ^WZ W ^_]^#Óo_d] YWh[[h _d ÒdWdY[ WdZ W b_\[ijob[ that matched, but it came at a price. “There were a lot of pressures, deadlines and expectations and it was really impacting on my lifestyle,” she remembers. “I was waking up at 5am, getting home at 9pm, working on weekends — it never stopped. There was a shell of me that was turning up for work, not the whole of me.”

Eventually, it became too much and at age 44 she needed a change. Shepherd now runs ReAwaken, a holistic coaching business in Sydney that helps women live their best lives professionally and personally. It’s a far cry from the corporate wheeling and dealing of her former life.

Many of us begin our working lives expecting to remain in the iWc[ eh i_c_bWh Ò[bZ$ 8kj m^Wj ^Wff[di m^[d" _d oekh )&i" *&i WdZ

[l[d +&i" oekÉh[ Wj Xh[Wa_d] fe_dj _d oekh `eX5 ÆCo Yb_[dji iWo j^[o \[bb _dje W `eX m^[d j^[o m[h[ oekd][h WdZ dem mWdj je meha _d W Ò[bZ j^[oÉh[ fWii_edWj[ WXekj hWj^[h j^Wd m^WjÉi \Wbb[d j^[_h mWo"Ç says Jane Lowder, career coach at Max Coaching. ?\ oek ^Wl[ \Wc_bo WdZ ÒdWdY_Wb h[ifedi_X_b_j_[i" j^ek]^" i_cfbo gk_jj_d] oekh `eX je fkhik[ ej^[h _dj[h[iji _idÉj Wd efj_ed$ =e_d] back to study for several years and starting again at the bottom of the career ladder can also be daunting. Which is why you need je Z[l[bef W ijhWj[]_Y fbWd" \WYjeh_d] _d ÒdWdY[i" \Wc_bo WdZ ej^[h commitments, and be prepared to play the long game, says Lowder.

“I’ve had clients bite the bullet and say to themselves, ‘In order to enter my new profession, I’m prepared to spend a few years taking my sideways step,’ so they’re one foot in the old camp and one in the new,” she explains.

“For example, if an accountant wanted to be a writer, they should stay an accountant but take some short courses, freelance as a writer in their spare time and, on the strength of that, apply for mh_j_d] `eXi _d j^[ WYYekdj_d] _dZkijho$ J^[d" Wi j^[o Xk_bZ j^[_h skill set and studies, leverage that writing role in accounting to one ekji_Z[ e\ WYYekdj_d] m_j^_d W j^h[[# je Òl[#o[Wh j_c[\hWc[$Ç M^[d oekÉh[ Z[if[hWj[ je ][j ekj e\ W `eX j^Wj cWa[i oek kd^Wffo" ^em[l[h" _j YWd X[ [Wio je `kcf Wj j^[ Òhij effehjkd_jo without thinking about what you really want, Lowder says. “Key things you need to consider are: what suits your personality, what aligns with your values, what matches your skills and interests, what would put you in your preferred work environment and what salary will suit your lifestyle. It’s about making a well-informed decision based on what’s really important to you.”

Networking, skills and work experience are the three pillars Lowder tells anyone seeking a career change to abide by. “At the very least you need to have started building networks and expertise in oekh d[m Ò[bZ QX[\eh[ b[Wl_d] oekh Ykhh[dj `eXS"Ç i^[ kh][i$ ÆJ^[h[ Wh[ ]h[Wj effehjkd_j_[i je Ze lebkdj[[h fhe`[Yji m_j^ organisations where you can grow that new skill set and get some [nf[h_[dY[ eh fehj\eb_e f_[Y[i X[^_dZ oek$ =eeZYecfWdo$Yec$Wk _i a source of established organisations offering short-term volunteer meha ed YehfehWj[ fhe`[Yji$Ç wellbeing.com.au 33

LlFE TRANSlTlONS On a personal level, Lowder suggests surrounding yourself with supportive people. Æ=[j j^[c je Wia oek gk[ij_edi j^WjÉbb a[[f oek WYYekdjWXb[ ie oek ZedÉj `kcf _d W mWo j^WjÉi not circumspect,” she says. “And engage in WYj_l_j_[i j^Wj Wh[ YedÒZ[dY[ Xk_bZ_d] X[YWki[ _\ you hit a spate of knockbacks to applications you need to not take them personally.”

During her transition, Shepherd lost some friends along the way, but following her passion kept her going. “People didn’t understand why someone in my position would do what I’m doing now,” she says. “Believing I deserved to be happy was really important. I had to take away the feelings of guilt and responsibility and say, ‘I deserve a life that makes me happy and I’m giving myself permission to do that.’” And although it has been scary at times, the end game has been worth it. “You know it when your heart sings. It’s not work, because you’re getting W Xkpp WdZ [d[h]o \hec _j$ Oek `kij \[[b Wb_l[$Ç

=[jj_d] _dje j^[ fhef[hjo cWha[j YWd X[ [nY_j_d] WdZ j[hh_\o_d]$ You’ve worked hard and are in a position many people could only Zh[Wc e\ Xkj _jÉi Wbie W ^k][ ÒdWdY_Wb Yecc_jc[dj$ 7YYehZ_d] je the Australian Bureau of Statistics, the average monthly mortgage h[fWoc[dj _i '.&&$ <WYjeh _d Wbb j^[ ej^[h Yeiji e\ X[_d] W homeowner and you’d be forgiven for wanting to stuff all your money under a mattress.

If you’re prepared, though, being a homeowner can be extremely

“Engage in activities that are confidence building because if you hit a spate of knockbacks to applications you need to not take them personally.” satisfying, says Ruby Janssen, managing director of property _dl[ijc[dj YecfWdo Edon :ecW_d" m^e Xek]^j ^[h Òhij ^eki[ m^[d i^[ mWi '/$ Dem )(" i^[Éi _d j^[ jef ' f[h Y[dj e\ 7kijhWb_Wd property investors.

J^[ l[ho Òhij j^_d] oek d[[Z je Ze" i^[ WZl_i[i" _i jWba je W broker. “They’re going to give you less biased advice than the bank because they have access to lots of different lenders,” she says.

“When I was starting out, I went directly to a bank. I realised later that the loan structure wasn’t the best for me but it was for the bank. If I’d had the best advice up front I would have saved myself a lot of heartache and money.”

Once you’ve spoken to a professional, you can decide what kind of property you want to buy based on what you can afford to borrow.

“There are extra expenses you might not know about that can end up costing you a lot of money,” Janssen warns. Some of those expenses include council rates, water usage, home and contents insurance, income protection and, for apartments and townhouses, body corporate fees.

Janssen also recommends you have more than the minimum deposit the bank requires. “You can put the rest into an offset account, which means you’ll be reducing your costs but can redraw it if you need to.” So if you haven’t been much of a budgeter in the past, now is the time to start.

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“You want a buffer so you’re not living in this house and can’t afford to have a life,” Janssen says. “Buying a home is an emotional decision but don’t get attached to houses you like. Be realistic: if you’re single, you don’t need three or four bedrooms.”

And, as the saying goes, it’s all about location, location, location.

“Ideally, you want something you can rent out if you upgrade,” she says. “So look for a place that’ll be desirable to tenants: close to transport, shops and parks.”

When you’re new to the real estate business, you could end up paying more if you haven’t done your research, Janssen warns.

“Agents will always tell you they have another offer but don’t be forced into it.” Which means you need to stand your ground on price and have your own rules in place. “Looking at other prices in the Wh[W m_bb ]_l[ oek X[jj[h XWh]W_d_d] fem[h"Ç i^[ iWoi$ ÆOek YWd ÒdZ that information on websites such as rpdata.com, domain.com.au and realestate.com.au.” :e_d] oekh h[i[WhY^ m_bb Wbie Whc oek W]W_dij j^[ _dÓkn e\ advice — good and bad — from well-meaning people. “It’s easier je X[ _dÓk[dY[Z Xo j^ei[ ef_d_edi m^[d oekÉh[ Ze_d] _j ed oekh emd"Ç iWoi @Wdii[d$ Æ@kij X[ YedÒZ[dj _d oekh Z[Y_i_ed WdZ ZedÉj X[ swayed by others.”

Once the stress of buying is over, there’s an enormous sense of satisfaction and freedom of owning your own home. Living alone can be a great motivator to maintain an active social life, too. So throw dinner parties and barbecues and regularly invite friends over. “You can do what you want when you want, leave the dishes in the sink and come and go how you please without worrying about anyone else — there’s no better feeling,” says Janssen.

GIVING BIRTH <eh cWdo mec[d" W \[Wh e\ Y^_bZX_hj^ YWd el[hi^WZem j^[ `eo e\ pregnancy. To make matters worse, mothers scared of giving birth often end up spending more time in labour (eight hours compared with 6.5 hours) and are more likely to need an emergency C-section, a University of Oslo study found. Fear leads to high levels of stress hormones being released, say the researchers. That can weaken uterine contractility and prolong birth, while high stress levels may hinder communication between hospital staff and mothers when they’re in the grip of pain.

Katrina Zaslavsky, author of A Modern Woman’s Guide to a Natural Empowering Birth, says birth is a very delicate process that can be easily disturbed. “In many ways we think we’re very sophisticated but we forget that we’re the same as any other mammal and

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BUYING YOUR FIRST HOME

Getting into the property market can be exciting and terrifying.

LlFE TRANSlTlONS Mothers scared of giving birth often end up spending more time in labour (eight hours compared with 6.5 hours) and are more likely to need an emergency C-section.

FP AD Regaining parts of yourself that were lost in your relationship means you’ll start to live a more social, well-balanced life.

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ceh[ gk[ij_edi" _jÉi ^WhZ je ÒdZ ^[bf ej^[h j^Wd Xo =ee]b_d] _j"Ç i^[ iWoi$ “I’ve used online forums a lot; Huggies has been one of the better ones. Every week they send an email about the changes that happen to your body, what’s happening with the baby and any emotional changes to expect.”

Ej^[h mec[d ÒdZ ^_h_d] W ZekbW l[ho helpful, says Zaslavsky. “It’s having continuous care from the moment you fall pregnant, right through j^[ [dj_h[ fheY[ii"Ç i^[ iWoi$ Æ?dij[WZ e\ Òl[ eh '& c_dkj[i Wj W j_c[ with your doctor, you could spend a whole hour over a cup of tea and really talk out all your fears, questions and concerns.”

Of course, there’s a role for husbands and birthing partners, too.

“They can often feel helpless and may react by lashing out at staff or demanding pain relief, says Zaslavsky. “But they may be more helpful by staying with the process and encouraging you to relax — that’s a really key thing. Words are very powerful; even simple things, like, ÈOekÉh[ Ze_d] ]h[Wj Å oek YWd Ze j^_i$É Mec[d `kij d[[Z je ^[Wh j^[o YWd Ze _j$ >kiXWdZi i^ekbZ h[Wbbo X[ j^[ le_Y[ ie i^[ YWd `kij \eYki ed what she needs to do. He can take care of everything else around her.”

STARTING AGAIN AFTER A RELATIONSHIP BREAKDOWN When Lisa Phillips’ new husband had an affair with their neighbour, her world fell apart. “I felt like my whole life was whipped away,” she h[c[cX[hi$ ÆM[ÉZ cWZ[ fbWdi WdZ Wbb e\ W ikZZ[d co b_\[ mWi `kij about me rather than us.”

Rebuilding can be a traumatising experience, says Elly Taylor, relationship counsellor and author of Becoming Us. “People tend to go through the normal stages of grief: shock and denial, bargaining, Wd][h" Z[fh[ii_ed WdZ ÒdWbbo WYY[fjWdY["Ç i^[ [nfbW_di$ Æ:edÉj resist the grieving process,” she urges. “The more you engage with it, the more the healing will come naturally. By feeling those

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_dij_dYj_l[bo im_jY^ je Ò]^j#eh#Ó_]^j ceZ[ when we feel unsafe,” she explains. “We have a modern birth fear epidemic; we’re dej `kij iYWh[Z Å m[Éh[ WYjkWbbo j[hh_Ò[Z$ To top it off, all we hear from other women when we’re pregnant are horror stories.

No wonder we’re afraid.” <eh JWcWhW Ic_j^" m^e _i ). m[[ai pregnant, friends’ unpleasant childbirth stories and lack of control add to the fear.

“Before you’re pregnant, friends tell you their labours are OK but when you fall pregnant the real stories come out,” she says. “I’m a control freak, so the unknown timeframe is what scares me. I could prepare myself more if I know when it’s going to happen, how long it will take, what happens next. It’s that fear of the unknown and having to make decisions in a split second if something goes wrong.”

Fortunately, there’s a lot women can do to allay their fears, says PWibWliao" WdZ _j Y[djh[i WhekdZ X[_d] dej `kij f^oi_YWbbo fh[fWh[Z Xkj [cej_edWbbo" jee$ ÆJ^[ Òhij ij[f _i je _Z[dj_\o m^Wj oekÉh[ \[Wh\kb of, then turn that into a positive powerful statement,” she suggests.

For example, if you’re having trouble being in control, you can turn j^Wj \[Wh _dje W ijWj[c[dj" ikY^ Wi" È? ]e m_j^ j^[ Óem WdZ Wbbem co labour to unfold naturally.’ Ease of birth has to do with complete surrender and an acceptance of the process — that it’s something much greater than yourself.”

PWibWliao Wbie h[Yecc[dZi ÒdZ_d] Wd _dZ[f[dZ[dj X_hj^_d] Yekhi[ either in place of or in addition to hospital antenatal classes. “A lot of feedback I get is that hospital classes can feed the fear because they tell you about all the drugs and procedures on the menu but they don’t give you much outside of that,” she explains. Rather than listen to bad [nf[h_[dY[i" ÒdZ W fei_j_l[ heb[ ceZ[b WdZ i[[a ekj _dif_h_d] ijeh_[i je ]_l[ oek YedÒZ[dY[0 Æ?jÉi WXekj ÒdZ_d] oekh emd jhkj^ WdZ Ze_d] what’s right for you; there’s no right or wrong.”

For Smith, an overload of information has left her with even more questions. “Often after a doctor’s appointment, when you think of

emotions, over time it minimises them.”

Taylor says most people need about 18 months to grieve and another 18 months to fully heal after the end of a serious relationship. “Find ways to process your emotions. If it’s sadness and hurt, then the natural expression of that is to cry or talk to someone about how much you’re hurting,” she says.

“Crying brings physiological relief and talking to a good friend brings comfort: it’s in the expression of the emotion that you get the healing. Listen to sad songs, watch sad movies and bawl your eyes out but don’t beat yourself up for it afterwards — you want to heal from it.”

Once you begin to heal, you need to work on your relationship with yourself, says Taylor. “If it was your best friend going through the breakup, what advice would you give and how would you treat ^[h5 J^WjÉi ^em oek d[[Z je jh[Wj oekhi[b\$ :e d_Y[ j^_d]i \eh oekhi[b\0 indulge, nurture yourself. That’s a nice balance to the grief work.”

Dealing with a breakup can feel especially isolating when friends are getting married and having children. They’re beginning the next stage of life and it feels like you’re going backwards. “It was very lonely and I felt there was something wrong with me,” says Phillips.

“I couldn’t understand why he left me.” Add to that the friendships that are often lost when people take sides and the pool of people you can count on gets incredibly small.

If this is the case for you, explains Taylor, you need to tell people how you’re feeling. “Think about the friends you want to retain, then have open and honest conversations with them about how you miss them,” she says. “Often they’re unaware or feeling awkward and not wanting to make things worse for you, so they’ve kept their distance.”

Eventually, you’ll begin to see being alone in a positive light, says Taylor. Regaining parts of yourself that were lost in your relationship means you’ll start to live a more social, well-balanced life, even if Wj Òhij _jÉi `kij je ][j ekj e\ j^[ ^eki[$ ÆJ^[ ^Wff_[h oek Wh[ _d oekh own company, the less you need to be with someone else, the more content you will be and the better partner you’ll be when you do meet someone,” she explains. And remind yourself, ‘I’m a whole, healthy person; I’m happy with who I am. If I meet another partner, then great, but if I don’t I’ve got a great life, anyway,’ says Taylor.

Once the pain had subsided, Phillips found looking back eX`[Yj_l[bo ^[bf[Z ^[h cel[ ed$ Æ? jeea j^[ j_c[ je beea _dje co relationship, worked out what went wrong and took responsibility for co fWhj Wi m[bb hWj^[h j^Wd `kij fe_dj_d] j^[ XbWc[" m^_Y^ Xk_bZi kf anger and frustration,” she says. “I was able to come to that space of acceptance. Just because I had a relationship that didn’t work out, it didn’t mean I was a failure.”

When you can see both sides, it’s a clear indication you’ve reached the healing stage, says Taylor. “Relationships are very complex and between them is the perfect time to learn more about them. The more work you do on yourself, the more of an idea you’ll have about what kind of relationship you want.”

Don’t let your breakup stop you from loving again, urges Phillips.

“Don’t base your past relationship on the future. Never beat yourself up about how long it takes you to recover and heal. It’s OK. Just take your time and be gentle with yourself.”

BEING A SINGLE PARENT J^[h[ Wh[ \[m ^WhZ[h `eXi j^Wd X[_d] W fWh[dj$ 8kj `k]]b_d] ced[o" sleep, work and domestic duties is even more stressful when you’re 38 wellbeing.com.au

Juggling money, sleep, work and domestic duties can be even more stressful when you’re doing it alone.

doing it alone. “It’s hard and occasionally I feel bitter and angry,” says @[Wd =hWo" m^e Z_lehY[Z ^[h ^kiXWdZ _d (&&, m^[d j^[_h ied mWi eight. “I’d like to share the load rather than have it on my shoulders.”

BkYa_bo" =hWo ^Wi W ikffehj_l[ \Wc_bo je b[dZ W ^WdZ Xkj iec[ people aren’t so fortunate, says Dr Elspeth McInnes, policy adviser to the National Council of Single Mothers and Their Children. If that’s the case for you, McInnes urges, “Search out community connections WdZ Ò]^j XWYa ed _iebWj_ed$ 8k_bZ b_dai m_j^ i[hl_Y[i WdZ ÒdZ fbWY[i with friendly, smiling faces you can drop in to and have a chat.”

Take advantage of government and charity-organised programs that cater for single parents. “There are places called Communities for Children, which bring together a whole range of different services,” says McInnes, who recommends contacting your local council for programs in your area. “Quite often there are outreach services that put you in touch with other parents.” There are many reasons for being a single parent: separation, death — even choice — and each comes with its own set of challenges. <eh =hWo" _j mWi j^[ Z_lehY[ fheY[ii WdZ ^k][ ÒdWdY_Wb Yeij$ Æ?Él[ d[[Z[Z ^[bf \hec co fWh[dji WdZ ^Wl[ X[[d ed X[d[Òji" m^_Y^ ? certainly didn’t expect at this point in my life,” she says. All parents want to give their children the world but even the most basic items YWd X[ _cfeii_Xb[ m^[d ced[o _i j_]^j$ CY?dd[i Y_j[i YWi^ Óem as the number-one stressor of single parents and recommends shopping in second-hand stores for toys and clothes. “Toy libraries are also fantastic if you don’t want to spend money on things they’ll grow out of, while bulk-buying groceries is also a good idea. Homecooked meals are better than relying on takeaway.”

Ed jef e\ ÒdWdY_Wb cWjj[hi" cWdo f[efb[ ^Wl[ je Z[Wb m_j^ Z_\ÒYkbj [n#ifeki[i" YkijeZo Ò]^ji WdZ j^[ [cej_edWb ZWcW][ j^[o bring. Protecting your child from becoming involved in that can be Z_\ÒYkbj" iWoi CY?dd[i$ Æ8kj d[l[h if[Wa XWZbo WXekj oekh [n#fWhjd[h in front of your children,” she urges. “Children don’t need to be burdened with any of it, so have some adult friends you can thrash things out with or speak to a professional. Think about what your child needs rather than operating around your own emotions. If the other parent behaves badly, let karma sort that out.”

Inevitably, there will be questions from your child about the absent parent, which in the case of divorce or separation can be tricky to answer. “Say something like, ‘It’s not about you. You’re a wonderful human being, but your other parent has things going on in their life that have nothing to do with you,’” suggests McInnes. “If you’re being mean, your child will feel like there’s something wrong with them, too, and you want your kids to have positive self-esteem.”

“I call it the ‘beige syndrome’: if you’re beige, it means you blend into the background, and these days the last thing a business should do is that.”

When you’re tired and stressed, McInnes urges you to take care of yourself, even if it means doing something small. “It can be as simple Wi f_Ya_d] Óem[hi \hec j^[ ]WhZ[d eh ]e_d] ekj \eh Ye\\[[$ ?jÉi WXekj ÒdZ_d] j^ei[ WY^_[lWXb[" bem#Yeij mWoi je \[[b ]eeZ$Ç <eh =hWo" j^[ a[o je Yef_d] ^Wi X[[d cW_djW_d_d] ^[h i[di[ e\ humour and getting closure on her divorce. “Declare a truce and move on,” she says. “There’s no point trying to punish them; it only makes you bitter and keeps you stuck.”

And, despite all the hard work being a single parent takes, she truly believes it has been for the best. “I have a really close h[bWj_edi^_f m_j^ co ied WdZ m[ ^Wl[ W bej e\ `eo je][j^[h"Ç i^[ iWoi$ ÆM[Él[ ]ed[ j^hek]^ W bej e\ ]hem_d] WdZ Z_\ÒYkbjo Xkj _j ^Wi X[[d W h[Wbbo [nY_j_d] `ekhd[o$Ç 9^WjÒhij$Yec$Wk is a site for children and teens of divorce.

Humanservices.gov.au lists information and support services for single-parent families, including a range of free Me and My eBooks that give advice on managing money, dealing with former spouses and taking care of yourself.

STARTING YOUR OWN BUSINESS

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LlFE TRANSlTlONS

=e_d] \hec fhef[hjo Z[l[befc[dj je fefi_Yb[i _i Wd kdkikWb Xki_d[ii jhWdi_j_ed Xkj \eh AWj_[ =bkYacWd _j mWi j^[ X[ij cel[ i^[ ever made. “I had a stroke of inspiration one day and thought, ‘I’m going to start a popsicle business,’” she remembers, “so I starting researching and built a business plan. The more I looked at it, I saw _j ^WZ ^k][ fej[dj_Wb WdZ j^Wj ? YekbZ Xk_bZ W b_\[ijob[" jee$Ç I_dY[ Òhij starting the engine of her gourmet popsicle caravan, Delish Ice, two years ago, she’s never been happier. :e_d] ^[h ^ec[meha mWi W icWhj cel[" iWoi 7dZh[m =h_\Òj^i" small business expert and author of The Me Myth. “People get excited by the concept of starting a business and often that can send all reason and logic out the window,” he says. “Think about the kind of Xki_d[ii oek mWdj$ :e oek mWdj je X[ WlW_bWXb[ (*%-5 :e oek mWdj je Z[Wb m_j^ f[efb[ _d W h[jW_b [dl_hedc[dj5 :e oek mWdj je jhWl[b eh ^Wl[ a_Zi je beea W\j[h5 J^[i[ Wh[ j^[ gk[ij_edi j^Wj hWh[bo ][j Wia[Z$Ç Looking online is a fantastic way to research but, for the nitty gritty, you need to be creative, he says. “Look a bit left of centre and talk to other people in the industry — they’re usually happy to share. You don’t have to ask the competitor up the road but you can Y[hjW_dbo ]e \khj^[h WÒ[bZ$ ?\ j^[h[Éi Wd _dZkijho WiieY_Wj_ed" j^[oÉbb have people who can give you advice and ideas.

“Also, ask other small business owners in general what they love about their business, what they hate, the challenges — the things that are applicable in all businesses.”

To succeed in such a competitive world, you must stand out from j^[ fWYa" kh][i =h_\Òj^i$ Æ? YWbb _j j^[ ÈX[_][ iodZhec[É0 _\ oekÉh[ beige, it means you blend into the background, and these days the last thing a business should do is that.”

So think laterally and be a bit more dynamic. “That means smart marketing, a great website, really good uniforms, really distinct offerings in your products and services.” =[jj_d] W Xki_d[ii e\\ j^[ ]hekdZ _i [nf[di_l[ Xkj cWdo f[efb[ don’t know how much it costs to run one on a daily basis, says

LlFE TRANSlTlONS

“A spiritual journey is about connecting to your heart’s base, following your own bliss and respecting and being kind to others.”

=h_\Òj^i$ Æ7 bej e\ f[efb[ edbo ÒdZ ekj _\ j^[oÉl[ cWZ[ eh beij ced[o Wj j^[ [dZ e\ j^[ ÒdWdY_Wb year but you need to know today,” he says. “Ask yourself, ‘Will it still work if I halve the amount of income I’m expecting, double my costs and _\ [l[hoj^_d] jWa[i jm_Y[ Wi bed] je Ze5É ?\ _j ij_bb stands up, then it’s probably a good idea.”

Creating a business alone can be el[hm^[bc_d] Wj j_c[i" WZc_ji =bkYacWd" Xkj she says breaking it down into small steps can make things easier. “Just do one thing every day that helps you realise your dream,” she suggests.

“It might not seem like much, even if it only takes Òl[ c_dkj[i" Xkj oek m_bb [l[djkWbbo ][j j^[h[$Ç After laying the groundwork in the beginning, i^[Éi dem [d`eo_d] j^[ X[d[Òji j^Wj Yec[ m_j^ being her own boss. “I can look back and say that ?Él[ Zed[ _j1 _j mWidÉj `kij W f_f[ Zh[Wc"Ç i^[ iWoi$ “I think about how much I’ve achieved and now ? ^Wl[ [l[d X_]][h fbWdi$ ?jÉi `kij X_j_d] e\\ b_jjb[ pieces and realising you can do it.”

Chegwyn says the thought of having to start all over again often stops people from pursuing opportunities somewhere new. “People will often stay in the same place, even if it’s horrible, because it’s serving them on some level; it’s almost better the devil you know,” she explains. “It can be stressful when you’re moving into something you aren’t familiar with, because you wonder how you’re going to cope.”

To transition into your new life more smoothly, Chegwyn recommends doing plenty of research into the new place before you arrive. “Pre-plan and set goals for yourself,” she says. “Thoroughly do your homework beforehand and create an action plan, then take all j^[ h[Wiedi oekÉh[ cel_d] _d j^[ Òhij fbWY[ WdZ j^_da e\ j^[ X[d[Òji once you’re there.”

A little forward thought helped D’Souza hit the ground running, which gave her the best chance of making new connections. “I started doing dance classes in New Zealand because I heard it was quite popular over here. I thought it might be a good way to meet people and make friends,” she says. “I also did some night classes to meet like-minded people and even dragon-boat racing — activities where you get to meet a whole range of people.”

Chegwyn recommends tracking your progress as you go, too.

“Often we think we’re not getting anywhere but then look back and realise how far we’ve come,” she says. “That way, you’ll be more motivated to keep going. It’s about moving your mindset away from j^[ dem WdZ beea_d] Zemd j^[ jhWYa Wj j^[ X[d[Òji _jÉbb ]_l[ oek edY[ you’re there.” She also urges anyone moving to a new place to be patient and accept that there will be a lengthy transition period.

“Know that from the outset and give yourself a few months to accept that things will be disorganised; you won’t be in a routine and things will be a bit crazy,” Chegwyn says. “Just allow it to evolve naturally and don’t stress about making friends. Be happy in your own company for a while so you can settle in and set yourself up.”

D’Souza used her early days getting to know her new city through W b[di$ Æ? [d`eo f^eje]hWf^o" ie ? ki[Z j^Wj je [nfbeh[ IoZd[o Å ?

YekbZ `kij jWa[ co YWc[hW WdZ mWdZ[h WhekdZ"Ç i^[ h[c[cX[hi$ Naturally, you’ll miss family and friends but in this modern world, D’Souza says keeping in touch is incredibly easy. “Skype, email, Facebook — use all the technology and you won’t feel as homesick,” i^[ ik]][iji$ ÆH[c[cX[h" oekÉh[ edbo W Ó_]^j eh W Iaof[ YWbb WmWo from anyone.”

When you’re anticipating all the challenges that come with starting a new life, Chegwyn suggests picturing “future you” in jme mWoi0 ÆQ<_hij" _cW]_d[S h[cW_d_d] m^[h[ oek Wh[ WdZ b_l_d] m_j^ regret or what-ifs. Then picture yourself with all the life-changing j^_d]i j^WjÉbb ^[bf oek ]hem" m^[j^[h _jÉi W d[m `eX eh ^eXXo _d oekh new home.”

Although her international moves were stressful at the time, :ÉIekpW mekbZdÉj Y^Wd][ W j^_d]$ Æ?\ j^Wj ((#o[Wh#ebZ ^WZ ijWo[Z Wj home, she wouldn’t have had such an adventurous life,” she says. “If your heart is leading you somewhere and you want to explore, go and do it because you only live once. There are challenges and there m_bb X[ Z_\ÒYkbj j_c[i Xkj j^[ fei_j_l[i \Wh ekjm[_]^ j^[ d[]Wj_l[i$ You grow through all the experiences you have and your mind opens up to unique experiences.”

BEGINNING A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY

40 wellbeing.com.au

Spirituality can mean something different to everyone, which makes embarking on a spiritual journey deeply personal and transformative.

many of us, that isn’t how life works. “The fact is, we’re real people, living real day-to-day lives, with real experiences and challenges,” says Chegwyn. “It’s not all about being barefoot, eating mungbeans and playing the tambourine.

“People need to know they can be successful and well dressed, earn money, have a Merc parked in the garage — and that is WXiebkj[bo EA" X[YWki[ W if_h_jkWb `ekhd[o _i WXekj Yedd[Yj_d] je your heart’s base, following your own bliss and respecting and being kind to others.” ?\ oekÉh[ mehh_[Z _j Wbb iekdZi Z_\ÒYkbj Å _j _i$ Æ?jÉi dej ^WdZ[Z je you on a platter. You have to change your thoughts, change your feelings and take action,” says Chegwyn. “That’s going to bring about the life you’ve always dreamed about.” However, the reward is worth the effort, she says. The reward is you.

MOVING CITIES OR COUNTRIES Packing up your life and moving somewhere new can be the ultimate chance for a clean slate but fear of the unknown, plus saying goodbye to loved ones, can be scary. Michelle D’Souza left her home Yekdjho e\ ?dZ_W m^[d i^[ mWi `kij (( WdZ b_l[Z _d j^[ C_ZZb[ ;Wij and New Zealand before settling in Sydney 11 years ago.

“It’s exciting and adventurous to move to a new place but it can Wbie X[ l[ho bed[bo WdZ Z_\ÒYkbj" [if[Y_Wbbo m^[d oek ZedÉj adem anyone,” D’Souza says. “The hardest thing is not having family or friends around. Every time you move you have to start from scratch, even down to the little things you don’t usually think about, like ÒdZ_d] W Z[dj_ij eh W ^W_hZh[ii[h$Ç

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Spirituality can mean something different to everyone, which makes embarking on a spiritual `ekhd[o Z[[fbo f[hiedWb WdZ jhWdi\ehcWj_l[$ 7i we’re all unique individuals, the experience itself can take on an endless number of forms, says coach Bobbi Chegwyn, self-empowerment and relationships specialist and author of 12 Steps to Self-Empowerment. “It’s connecting to the part of you that’s your essence, your core or purity,” she explains.

Chegwyn stresses that spirituality doesn’t necessarily have to align with religious beliefs, [_j^[h$ ÆJ^Wj [d[h]o m[ YWbb È=eZÉ Wbh[WZo h[i_Z[i within us. It’s about tapping into our own innate power we’re born with; it’s about reconnecting with and rediscovering yourself and the power every one of us has to create the life we desire.”

9^[]mod mekbZ adem" jee0 ^[h emd if_h_jkWb `ekhd[o" m^_Y^ X[]Wd m^[d i^[ b[\j Wd kd^Wffo cWhh_W][ WdZ kd\kbÒbb_d] `eX Wj )," b[Z her to realise her dream: teaching others how to navigate their own spiritual awakening. “My grandmother had recently passed away, leaving me an inheritance and a letter,” she recalls. “In it she talked about how, at 95, she was able to look back on her life with fond memories and a lot of love. I knew at that point the way I was living my life, which wasn’t true to who I was, I wouldn’t necessarily look XWYa m_j^ ]h[Wj c[ceh_[i$ ?d \WYj" _j Wbb `kij i[[c[Z je X[ W ijhk]]b[ — I had to turn things around.”

Ie 9^[]mod b[\j ^[h `eX WdZ cWhh_W][ WdZ ijWhj[Z W]W_d Xkj j^Wj Ze[idÉj c[Wd oek Wbie d[[Z je cWa[ ikY^ W ZhWij_Y Y^Wd][ je ÒdZ oekh fWj^$ Æ?jÉi dej WXekj b[Wl_d] oekh \Wc_bo eh `eX"Ç i^[ [nfbW_di$ Æ?d fact, we can be better people and be able to serve others better when we’re truly happy and settled as the person we are.”

M^[d j^[h[Éi de Xbk[fh_dj je \ebbem" j^ek]^" m^[h[ Ze oek ijWhj5 To truly put yourself on the track to the life you want and to be the f[hied oek \[[b _di_Z[" oek Òhij d[[Z je adem oekh lWbk[i" iWoi Chegwyn. “One of my greatest lessons was learning what I valued in life. For me it’s love and connection, safety, security and comfort.

Once I knew my values, I needed the rules around them to be very clear. Once you know that, it makes decision-making a lot easier.”

M^[d oek j^_da e\ j^[ mehZi Æif_h_jkWb `ekhd[oÇ" _jÉi [Wio je Yed`kh[ kf Yb_Y^ Z _cW][i e\ oe]W" Y^Wdj_d] WdZ _dY[di[ Xkj" \eh

Cassie White is a journalist and freelance writer. Follow her on Twitter at @cassie_white.