C&A_1

Clark & Addison Episode 1 - “Reunion” A REUNION OF 20 SOMETHING CUB FANS ON THE CORNER OF CLARK AND ADDISON IN CHICAGO - IN A SMALL BAR NAMED WEAGHMAN’S PARK. THE CUBS ORIGINALLY PLAYED AT WEAGHMAN PARK IN CHICAGO BEFORE TRANSFERRING TO CUBS PARK IN 1919 - WHICH BECAME WRIGLEY FIELD IN 1926. NIGHTLY IN DEPTH DISCUSSIONS OF CUBS AND CHICAGO OCCUR AT WEAGHMAN’S PARK. WEAGHMAN’S PARK ONLY SERVES FOOD AND DRINK ORIGINATING FROM ABOVE THE WISCONSIN BORDER . . . SMALL NEIGHBORHOOD WRIGLEY FIELD BAR CALLED WEAGHMAN’S PARK WITH ONLY WISCONSIN BEER AND SHEBOYGAN BRATS - A 20 SOMETHING HANGOUT. FOLLOW THE HISTORY OF THE CUBS, BEARS AND BULLS AS SEEN THROUGH THE EYES OF JOSH, ELLIOT, SAM, KERI, MELANIE AND FRIENDS . . .

JOSH HEY IS THAT WILL MAHONEY I’M SEEING - OR IS IT JUST A DREAM ?

WILL NO, JOSH - IT’S ACTUALLY ME. I THOUGHT I RECOGNIZED YOU ALSO. JOSH WHAT ARE YOU UP TO THESE DAYS ?

WILL WELL I’VE JUST COME BACK FROM SOUTH CHICAGO - MY THIRD ATTEMPT AT COLLEGE JOSH SO WHAT HAPPENED ?

WILL I BASICALLY COULDN’T HANDLE PURDUE - I MEAN THE FOOTBALL WAS EASY - AND WE DID WELL BUT......

JOSH BUT WHAT - DID YOU FLUNK OUT ?

WILL ESSENTIALLY YES. I FLAT OUT COULDN’T STAND MOST OF MY SUBJECTS....I COULDN’T READ 200 PAGES AND TAKE A TEST THE NEXT DAY...I COULDN’T GET A 75 - THE PURDUE FLUNK LINE JOSH YES, I REMEMBER YOU WERE SO HERALDED AT WRIGLEYVILLE HIGH - YOU COULD EASILY CATCH 75 YARD PASSES...AND YOU HAD 75 GIRLFRIENDS...

AND YOU HAD 75 DIV I SCHOOLS CALLING YOU SINCE YOU WERE IN 8TH GRADE...AND...

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WILL AND HOLD ON JOSH. I’M NOT A BAD GUY - I MEAN ALL YOU SAY IS TRUE BUT DIDN’T I GET YOUR LITTLE CLUB OF GUYS - WE CALLED BRAINWORKS - A FEW 6 PACKS WHEN YOUR BRAINS COLLECTIVELY COULDN’T EVEN BEGIN TO GET SOME BEERS - REMEMBER THAT ?

JOSH I SURE do REMEMBER - ESPECIALLY ON PROM NIGHT. ACTUALLY THOUGH WE WEREN’T VERY CLOSE IN HIGH SCHOOL. WE STILL HAD MUTUAL RESPECT...I MEAN YOU JOCKS COULD GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING, WERE GIVEN YOUR GRADES, GIRLS, AND ALL THE ADORATION - AT LEAST US NERDY BRAINWORKS GUYS COULD GET ALONG WITH YOUR CROWD. WILL YES WE DID. JOSH GO ON TELL ME - WHAT HAPPENED AFTER PURDUE ?

WILL OK. WELL AFTER 3 SEMESTERS OF PROBATION - AND I ONLY GOT THAT BECAUSE OF ALL AMERICAN HONORABLE MENTION AT WIDE OUT...A PURDUE SOMETHING OLOGIST TOLD ME I HAD ADHD OR ADD OR THAT I WAS A POOR LEARNER OR THAT I WAS FLAT OUT STUPID... ANYWAY TOO STUPID TO BE AT PURDUE. JOSH WE ALL WONDERED AND THEN LOST YOU. YOU KNOW HOW RELATIONSHIPS FADE OVER TIME. WHAT HAPPENED NEXT ?

WILL I TRANSFERRED TO NORTHERN ILLINOIS - THE MOST BORING PLACE IN THE GALAXY - BUT I CONTINUED TO DO WELL IN FOOTBALL AFTER SITTING FOR A SEASON- BUT WAS ALL CONFERENCE THE NEXT YEAR, MVP OF THE TEAM, DATED THE CHEER STUNT CAPTAIN WHO WAS PRESIDENT OF HER KAPPA SORORITY, AND.......

JOSH LET ME GUESS....YOU FLUNKED OUT OF NORTHERN ILLINOIS !

WILL YOU GOT IT. AT LEAST I’LL ADMIT IT. JOSH NO WAY ! NO ONE FLUNKS OUT OF NORTHERN ILLINOIS. NO ONE...WELL MAYBE ONE EVERY 50 YEARS..WILL HOW COULD YOU....

WILL HANG ON JOSH. HECK I TRIED EVERY THING...HYPNOSIS, READERS, TUTORS, DRUGS - ALL TYPES LIKE ADDERALL, HERBS, NO ALCOHOL, DIET TREATMENTS - EVERYTHING BUT...

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JOSH BUT YOU STILL FLUNKED OUT OF NORTHERN ILLINOIS. WHAT WAS THEIR FLUNK LINE ?

WILL 70 - AND I RECEIVED MOSTLY 40 AND 50S. JOSH SO YOU THEN WENT TO SOUTH CHICAGO COMMUNITY ?

WILL HANG ON ABOUT NORTHERN ILLINOIS - THERE STANDARDS ARE ACTUALLY NO DIFFERENT THAN NORTHWESTERN. JOSH YEAH RIGHT - HECK I KNEW MANY LOSERS - NON BRAINWORK GUYS, LAST IN THEIR CLASS, UNMOTIVATED, FLOPPY GUYS THAT WENT NORTH AND GOT DEGREES. WILL WHATEVER...I COULDN’T HANDLE SCHOOL..SO I TOOK A FEW MONTHS OFF AND TRIED A THIRD TIME AT CHICAGO COMMUNITY. JOSH NO FOOTBALL TEAM DOWN THERE. WILL AND I HAD TO PAY TUITION, ROOM, AND BOARD. NEW FOR ME. JOSH LIKE THE REST OF US. SO HOW LONG DID YOU LAST DOWN THERE ?

WILL ABOUT 4 MONTHS. JOSH WHAT WAS THEIR FLUNK LINE ?

WILL I DON’T EVEN KNOW - SOMEWHERE AROUND 60. YOU KNOW JOSH I’VE NEVER REALLY TALKED TO ANYONE ABOUT THIS STUFF. IT’S REAL UGLY ?

JOSH SO WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CUTE KAPPA STUNT GAL ?

WILL OH, MAN WE WERE REALLY IN LOVE....ENOUGH TO CONSIDER MARRIAGE, BUT...

JOSH BUT WHAT ? TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

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WILL KINDA. IN FACT WE HAD LOOKED AT RINGS AND THEN A LITTLE CULTURAL PHENOMENON OCCURRED. JOSH LET ME GUESS. YOU WERE CATHOLIC AND SHE WAS EVANGELICAL OR LDS OR JEHOVAH’S WITNESS OR JEWISH....YES THAT’S IT - SHE WAS JEWISH AND YOU CANNOT MIX A CHRISTIAN AND A JEW BECAUSE THE CHEMICALS ARE SUCH THAT AN IMMEDIATE EXPLOSION OCCURS AND THAT IS WHY YOU’RE HERE NOW WHINING AT WEAGHMAN’S. WILL HANG ON JOSH. GET A GRIP. IT IS NONE OF THAT. JOSH WELL WHAT - YOU WEREN’T SMART ENOUGH ?

WILL HER MOM DID THIS BACKGROUND CHECK AND FOUND OUT I WAS A POOR STUDENT FROM THE GET GO...I MEAN THIS BITCH CHECKED OUT RECORDS FROM KINDERGARTEN ON. SHE DECIDED I COULDN’T MARRY HER DAUGHTER. JOSH WHAT ABOUT THE DAD ? DID HE LIKE YOU ? ALL GUYS LIKE FOOTBALL....

WELL NEARLY ALL. WILL DAD WAS COOL WITH EVERYTHING AND KNEW WE LOVED EACH OTHER, BUT WENT ALONG WITH HER MOM SO IT DIDN’T HAPPEN. JOSH MAN, THIS IS DEEP STUFF. DID YOU CONVINCE THE MOM YOU COULD PROBABLY PLAY PRO BALL AND BE REVERED. WILL YES, I WALKED ON WITH THE BEARS....

JOSH YOU HAD TO HAVE MADE THE BEARS. EVERYBODY MAKES THE BEARS. WILL TAXI SQUAD. JOSH TAXI SQUAD. WHAT THE H...IS THAT ? YOU DRIVE TAXIS DURING THE GAME ?

WILL NO, YOU PLAY THE OTHER TEAM ON OFFENSE AND ONCE IN A WHILE SUIT UP - LIKE WHEN SOMEONE GETS ANNIHILATED FOR THE SEASON.

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JOSH SH........GIVE ME A BREAK. THE BEARS PUT YOU ON THE TAXI SQUAD. THEY HAVEN’T HAD ANYONE WHO COULD CATCH A PASS SINCE THE 60’S WHEN THAT LITTLE GUY WAS RUNNING AROUND THE FIELD - WHAT WAS HIS NAME - JOHNNY MORRIS - WAIT TILL SAM MAXWELL GETS HERE - HE KNOWS BEARS BACKWARDS. YOU SHOULD HAVE A STATUE IN FRONT OF SOLDIER FIELD BY NOW. NO ONE CAN CATCH YOU. I DON’T GET IT. NORTHERN ILLINOIS ?

WILL I COULD ONLY MAKE THE TAXI SQUAD - HONEST. THAT WASN’T ENOUGH FOR THE STUNT KAPPA’S PARENTS OBVIOUSLY SO SHE CRYINGLY BROKE IT OFF. JOSH I WOULD’VE CALLED THE NFL COMMISSIONER, DALEY, OBAMA, SOMEONE.. WILL, YOU JUST CAN’T LET THIS ROMANCE GO DOWN THE TUBES. SHE’LL END UP MARRYING SOME NORTH SIDER AND BE MISERABLE FOR 70 YEARS - NO TAKE IT BACK - IT WON’T LAST BUT ONE - THE US AVERAGE. WE NEED TO FIND THE STUNT KAPPA GIRL AND SET HER STRAIGHT. BRAINS AREN’T EVERYTHING - HECK, LOOK AT ME - JD & MBA U. OF CHICAGO, 4.5 HONORS AND I’M POURING DRAFT LEINENKUGAL AND COOKING JOHNSONVILLE BRATS - WATCHING BASEBALL WHEN I CAN - MY PASSION. WILL HECK I TRIED TO TELL MY POTENTIAL MOM IN LAW THAT HER DAUGHTER WENT NORTH ALSO.....

JOSH GOOD COMEBACK...BUT IT OBVIOUSLY DIDN’T WIN. WILL SHE SAID GIRLS ARE DIFFERENT. DOESN’T MATTER WHERE THEY GO. BUT NOT GETTING THROUGH NORTHERN REALLY SET YOU BACK WITH THIS FAMILY. YOU ARE AT A BIG ADVANTAGE JOSH. ANYONE WILL MARRY YOU - WITH ALL YOUR HIGH END DEGREES AND GRADES. JOSH YEAH RIGHT. I HAVEN’T HAD A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP SINCE WRIGLEYVILLE HIGH - THAT BRUNETTE IN THE KING AND I - REMEMBER HER ?

WILL BOY DO I. WE ALL LAUGHED AT YOU TWO ? SHE WAS SUCH A FLAT OUT WEIRDO - A TRUE SPACE CADET. JOSH THANKS. BUT DO WE REALLY NEED TO GET MARRIED, HAVE 2.1 KIDS, WATCH 952 CRAPPY SOCCER GAMES, WISH WHAT WE ENDURED ON OUR KIDS, FIGHT EVERY ADVERSE GOVERNMENT IN ALL CONTINENTS TO A TIE, AND LISTEN TO SEETHING MOTHER IN LAWS ? NO !

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WILL WHAT DO WE DO THEN. JOSH WE JUST LIVE. WILL YOU MEAN LIKE HIPPIES OR BEATNIKS ?

JOSH NO. THOSE GUYS GAVE THEMSELVES AWAY WITH THEIR HAIR, BEADS, POLITICS, WORTHLESS DEMEANOR. HECK, EVEN I DISDAIN THOSE GUYS. WILL WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THIS ? I DON’T GET IT ?

JOSH YOU CAN ALWAYS GET MARRIED, HAVE SUPPER AT GRANDMAS, WATCH THE BEARS ON SUNDAYS GET KILLED, GET A TRANS FAT BELLY, HAVE A COTTAGE NEAR HAYWARD, AND VOTE REPUBLICAN....BUT FOR NOW YOU CAN BE COOL AND A REAL 20 SOMETHING. WILL BUT REALLY - I DON’T WANT TO BE A HIPPIE OR A BEATNIK OR A BUM. JOSH YES YOU DO. YOU JUST DON’T REALIZE IT. WHEN YOU HAVE SOME OF MY BRAINS - REMEMBER BRAINWORKS - YOU WILL REALIZE THAT SOME OF THIS HIGH END SOUGHT AFTER STUFF ISN’T ALL NECESSARY. I MEAN MAYBE I AM A HIPPIE OR BEATNIK...BUT I DON’T LOOK LIKE ONE...

WILL SO YOU FAKE IT ?

JOSH YES, YOU CULTURALLY AND ESTHETICALLY LOOK AND ACT COOL LIKE ME....AND YOU’RE OK. WILL SO YOU’RE A MOVE ON DOT ORG GUY ?

JOSH NO. IN FACT I HATE AL QUEADA, MOST DEMOCRATS, THE WHOLE POLITICAL PROCESS WE NOW HAVE, TREE HUGGERS, AND ALL THE FAKE STUFF THEY STAND FOR. I LIKE BEHAVING MUSLIMS. WILL OH I GET IT - YOU WANT TO BE AN INDEPENDENT.

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JOSH SORT OF....THE 20 SOMETHINGS ARE ABOUT FUN, NOT WORRYING CONSTANTLY ABOUT ALL THE LITTLE THINGS OUR PARENTS DID, NOT AS TOTALLY WRAPPED UP IN CAREERS, ENJOYING THE GESTALT OF LIFE ITSELF...LIKE ME.....THOUGH I WASN’T A VERY GOOD BASEBALL PLAYER, I’M TOTALLY INFATUATED WITH THE CUBS. I COULD LIVE AT HOME PLATE FOR 1000 YEARS AND BE CONTENT - SUSTAINED WITH SHELLED PEANUTS. I CANNOT GET ENOUGH. I WANT SPRING TRAINING, THE SEASON, POST SEASON, OFF SEASON, AND EVEN INTERNET SEASON. WILL MY GOD YOU’VE CHANGED !

JOSH SO HAVE YOU. LOOK! THAT POTENTIAL BITCH MOTHER IN LAW STOLE YOUR LIFE WILL. I CAN SEE WILL NOW SITTING THERE ON SUNDAY AFTERNOON WITH THE DAD TALKING FOOTBALL WATCHING THE BEARS GET CLOBBERED..... GRANDMA HAPPY CHANGING YOUR BABY’S DIAPERS, PARENTS TELLING YOU HOW TO LIVE AND WHAT TO STRIVE FOR, AND BEING VERY HAPPY. SHE STOLE YOUR LIFE WILL. WILL SOUNDS LIKE THE 20 SOMETHINGS ARE AFTER REAL SOLUTIONS. JOSH YES, WE DON’T WANT TIES. WE WANT WINS. YOU NEED TO GO AFTER THAT KAPPA STUNT GIRL AND CONVINCE THE MOTHER IN LAW THAT YOU ARE FAR BETTER THAN SOME 3 PIECE SUIT NORTH SIDER WHO REALLY DOESN’T LIKE HER DAUGHTER OTHER THAN HER LOOKS. YOU WENT ALL THE WAY TO NORTHERN TO FIND HER. I WOULD CAMP OUT IN HER YARD UNTIL THE MOTHER IN LAW GIVES IN. SHE WON’T CALL THE POLICE - YOU’RE NOT OJ. WILL JOSH, YOU ARE FLIPPIN CRAZY. HOW MANY LEINES HAVE YOU HAD ?

JOSH ZERO, SINCE I WORK HERE. I’M THE COOK, BARTENDER, AND MARKETER ALL IN ONE. TOMORROW I START THE BOOKS AND WILL FINISH BEFORE THE FIRST PITCH AT WRIGLEY. WILL OK, SO WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE JOSH ?

JOSH YOU FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCTS. HECK, I’VE TOLD YOU WHAT TO DO ABOUT THE GIRL. YOU’D BETTER HURRY CAUSE SHE WILL MOST LIKELY MARRY SHORTLY WITH THAT MOM. IN THE MEANTIME YOU NEED TO GET SOME HELP WITH YOUR ADDDD OR WHATEVER THEY CALL IT. I KNOW THEY USUALLY DIAGNOSE THIS STUFF IN COLLEGE - WHEN IT’S MAYBE TOO LATE - BUT I DON’T THINK YOU PROCESS WELL - SO YOU NEED TO SEE A PROCESSOLOGIST OF SOME SORT. 8

WILL I’VE BEEN THINKING OF MECHANIC SCHOOL SINCE I LIKE HANDS ON TECHNICAL STUFF. JOSH SOUNDS GOOD. GO WITH IT. BUT AGAIN IT’S SCHOOL AND BOOKS AND.......

WILL WELL, THEY HAVE THIS MECHANICS APPRENTICE PROGRAM OUT AT OHARE WITH UNITED. JOSH THAT’S EVEN BETTER BECAUSE YOU’RE NEAR WRIGLEY AND WEAGHMAN’S PARK. WILL SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO EVENTUALLY DO ? MICHIGAN AVENUE LAW FIRM ? WACHOVIA ?

JOSH I REALLY DON’T KNOW WILL. YOU KNOW, I’VE BEEN PUMPING SCHOOL SINCE I WAS IN PRESCHOOL, SO I’M JUST LAYING BACK FOR A BIT. LOTS OF OFFERS...BUT I DON’T EVEN HAVE A BROOKS BROTHERS SUIT YET. WILL SO YOU’RE SAYING THIS IS YOUR ONLY CHANCE - SINGLE, NO TIES, LOW EXPENSES, CUBS RIGHT HERE. JOSH YOU’RE STARTING TO PROCESS NOW WILL - BIGTIME. WILL BOY THIS LEINE’S IS SOMETHING ELSE. JOSH YEAH, I WISH I COULD HAVE ONE NOW TOO - BUT NO IMBIBING WHILE AT WORK. I DO HAVE A FLIP FLOP DEAL GOING WITH THE BEER GUYS AT WRIGLEY AND THEIR OLD STYLE - BUT THAT’S UNDER THE COVERS. WILL SO WHERE ARE YOU LIVING JOSH ?

JOSH AT HOME LIKE 68 % OF DELAYED LAUNCHERS. ANYWAY THAT’S WHAT THE TRIBUNE SAYS. WILL DO YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT IT ? I MEAN WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK ?

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JOSH WELL MY SISTERS ARE THE PROBLEM, NOT ME. MY PARENTS THINK IT’S COOL BECAUSE THEY LOVE ME SO MUCH AND I LOVE THEM ALSO. BUT MY SISTERS THINK I NEED TO MOVE OUT, MARRY, SETTLE IN - YOU KNOW MAKE LITTLE ONES, WATCH THE BEARS WITH THE IN LAWS ON SUNDAYS, VACATIONS UP I-90 - YOU KNOW - EVERYTHING YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN YOU GROW UP IN CHICAGO. WILL SO YOU’RE A HIPPIE TO THEM ?

JOSH NO, I HATE HIPPIES - THAT’S LONG OUT. AGAIN THESE GUYS REBELLED AGAINST EVERYTHING - EVEN INSECTS. YEAH, MAYBE I’M REBELLING A BIT AGAINST ALL THESE SOCIOCULTURAL NORMS IN CHICAGO - BUT GOSH WILL, I’LL BE MARRIED FOR PROBABLY 70 YEARS - LET ME SEE A FEW CUB GAMES - YOU KNOW THE U OF CHICAGO WASN’T LIKE NORTHERN. THE FLUNK LINE WAS REALLY UP THERE. WILL, YOU NEED TO JOIN THE MOVEMENT IF YOU CAN’T WIN THAT KAPPA STUNT GIRL BACK. AND I’M NOT A HIPPIE BECAUSE WE KNOW HOW TO DISGUISE REBELLION - YOU DON’T HAVE HAIR TO YOUR ANKLES, WEAR BEADS, DRIVE A COLORED VW, AND NEVER SHAVE. GOSH THOSE GUYS WERE DEAD GIVEAWAYS. 20 SOMETHINGS ARE JUST COOL AND SILENTLY REBEL. WE’LL GET WITH THE PROGRAM SOON, BUT LET US ENJOY OUR TIME. WILL BUT THE BRAINWORKS GUYS HAVE A LOT MORE GOING THAN THE JOCKS DID. JOSH NO WAY WILL. IF I COULD’VE CAUGHT ONE OF THOSE BOMBS JAKE SMITHSON THREW...WELL, I’D HAVE GONE TO NORTHERN FOR A COUPLE YEARS. HECK WILL - I CAN’T CATCH PASSES OR GIRLS LIKE YOU. ALL I CAN DO IS FIGURE OUT WAYS TO MAKE MONEY OFF PEOPLE DUMBER THAN ME AND THEN COUNT IT...AND LOOK COOL ABOUT IT. I’LL TAKE THE 80 YARD BOMB. THAT’S REAL WILL - UNLIKE SOME LOFTY LEGAL PROFESSOR SHOWING US HOW TO CRAFT A CREATIVE CONTRACT TO MOVE SOME NICE GUYS BANK ACCOUNT TO YOURS AND MAKE EVERYONE FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT. THAT OVER THE SHOULDER CATCH OF THE PIGSKIN IS REAL WILL. MY STUFF IS FAKE - BUT THAT’S THE REAL WORLD. WILL MAYBE I’M NOT SO BAD...BUT JOSH - 3 COLLEGES. I’M HUMILIATED. MY PARENTS WANT ME TO MOVE OUT NOW ALSO. THEY SAY I SHOULD LAUNCH. I COULDN’T EVEN GET THE BAT BOY JOB AT WRIGLEY. JOSH WE NEED TO RECONSTRUCT YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW. TAKE THE OHARE MECHANIC APPRENTICESHIP POSITION, CALL THE KAPPA STUNT GIRL BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE AND SAY YOU’VE GOT IT TOGETHER, AND ASK 10

THE BEARS FOR A PART TIME COACHING JOB - STAY IN SHAPE AND MAYBE YOU COULD BE A PLAYER COACH - LIKE MJ WAS. WILL BUT WHAT ABOUT THE MOM ?

JOSH YOU’VE GOT TO MAKE A PLAY. WHERE DO THESE FOLKS LIVE - NOT DEKALB ?

WILL HIGHLANDS PARK AND THEY GO TO IMMACULATE CONCEPTION PARISH ON SATURDAY NIGHTS. JOSH OK, YOU NEED TO GO TO SATURDAY NIGHT MASS AND SIT NEARBY THEM - AND NOT PAY ATTENTION. PUT ON A BROOKS - YOU’LL STAND OUT ON SATURDAY NIGHT, BUT DON’T BRING A ROSARY - THAT’S A DEAD GIVE AWAY. FOOTBALL GUYS DON’T SAY THE ROSARY. JUST SAY HI WHEN THEY WALK BY, SMILE AND DRIVE A NICE CAR - A FRIEND’S - NOT THAT OLD JEEP PIECE OF JUNK YOU DRIVE. WILL BUT I HAVEN’T BEEN TO CHURCH SINCE WRIGLEYVILLE HIGH WHEN WE ALL HAD TO GO. JOSH WELL IT IS COOL NOW WILL. THE CATHOLIC CHURCH HAS A LOT TO OFFER. WILL OK, WHAT IS THE NEXT STEP ?

JOSH NOW YOU’VE GOT ‘EM THINKING BECAUSE YOU SEE ‘EM BUT AREN’T CALLING. THEY’RE WONDERING WHAT IS GOING ON. THEY NOW THINK YOU’RE KINDA COOL. REMEMBER MOMS IN LAW LIKE SECURITY, RESPONSIBILITY, FRIENDLINESS, SOME CASH, AND GRANDKIDS CLOSE BY. YOU’RE IT. THE MOM IS RECONSIDERING. REMEMBER WILL - YOU AREN’T’ MARRYING THE KAPPA STUNT GIRL - YOU’RE MARRYING HER MOM - BUT IT’S WELL WORTH IT IF YOU LOVE HER. THAT’S REAL - JUST LIKE THOSE 80 YARD BOMBS. WILL SO WHAT IS NEXT ? I GO TO MASS ON SATURDAY NIGHT FOR 3 OR 4 WEEKS THEN WHAT ?

JOSH FLOWERS ! 100% OF GIRLS LIKE FLOWERS. SO THIS IS A NO BRAINER. THEN LET IT GO FROM THERE.

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WILL WHAT IF SHE’S ENGAGED BY NOW ?

JOSH SHE’LL BREAK IT OFF ONCE SHE SEES YOU. NOT EVERYONE ON THE GOLD COAST HAS TO MARRY A STEM CELL NEXT DOOR. WE’RE TALKING LIFE LONG HAPPINESS WILL. REAL 20 SOMETHING FEELINGS. REMEMBER HER MOM SENT HER TO NORTHERN ALSO. GRANDMA ALREADY FEELS GUILTY BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T SEND HER DAUGHTER TO SOUTH BEND. WILL SHE HAD A CHEERLEADING SCHOLARSHIP AND WANTED TO LEAVE THE CITY. NORTHERN ILLINOIS WAS A BIG DEAL. JOSH WELL SHE WASN’T IN BRAINWORKS OBVIOUSLY. EVERYONE IS MAKING OUT NORTHERN TO BE THE HARVARD OF ILLINOIS NOW IN ACADEMICS AND A NEBRASKA FOR ATHLETICS. WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE ? IT WAS A 4TH TIER SCHOOL WHEN WE WENT TO WRIGLEYVILLE HIGH. WHAT HAPPENED ?

WILL WELL THE NEW HEAD CAMPUS GUY...

JOSH YOU MEAN THE CHANCELLOR, WILL ?

WILL NO, A CHANCERY IS LIKE BERLIN - HITLER - WORLD WAR II. JOSH NO WILL, EVERY SCHOOL - EVEN SOUTH CHICAGO HAD A CHANCELLOR THE KINGPIN. WILL OK. THE KINGPIN AT NORTHERN SAID OUR ACADEMICS AND ATHLETICS WERE TO BE SECOND TO NONE. JOSH WELL THEY HAVE STARTED PRODUCING SOME GUYS UP THERE - LIKE A LOT OF NFL STUDS, A BOSTON LEGAL GUY, AND THE HEAD OF CATERPILLAR. MAYBE ALL OF CHICAGO WILL BE LEAVING FOR DEKALB SHORTLY. BUT I WON’T SINCE THERE’RE NO CUBS THERE. WILL THANKS JOSH. YOU’RE ALMOST LIKE A DAD TO ME. MAYBE I CAN HELP YOU TOO. JOSH WELL IF YOU WANT TO GET MY NAGGING SISTERS OUT OF THE HOUSE BE MY GUEST - BUT SERIOUSLY - DON’T MARRY ONE OF THEM.

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WILL WHY NOT ? WHAT IF I CAN’T GET THE KAPPA STUNT GIRL BACK ?

JOSH TRUST ME WILL. YOU WOULD NOT LIKE MY SISTERS - NEITHER ONE OF THEM. WILL SPECIFICS ?

JOSH THEY FIGHT CONSTANTLY. I MEAN THEY FIGHT WHEN THEY ARE AT A PEACE TREATY. THEY LOVE AND HATE BOYS. AND THEIR MUSIC UNINTELLIGIBLE, NO RHYTHM, CLOTHES ARE BARBARIC, AND THEY KINDA ARE IN COLLEGE - ONE WENT TO CHAMPAGNE AND THE OTHER IOWA CITY - NEITHER LASTED - AND NOW THEY KINDA DO INTERNET CLASSES. THEY HATE ME BECAUSE I SHOT THROUGH MBA AND LAW SCHOOL IN 3 YEARS AFTER UNDERGRAD AT SLU. WILL THEY MIGHT LIKE ME THEN !

JOSH UNDERNEATH ALL THIS GARBAGE THEY ARE STILL 100% FEMALE WANTING ALL THE USUAL THINGS GIRLS WANT - YOU KNOW - SECURITY, DILLARDS - NOT WAL MART - RESPONSIBILITY IN A GUY - NICE HOUSE NEAR THE LAKE - PRIVATE SCHOOLS - IT GOES ON. YOU WOULDN’T LIKE THEM BECAUSE THERE IS FAR TOO MUCH TO CARVE THROUGH. TRUST ME. WILL WELL - PLEASE INTRODUCE US. JOSH WE JUST FIGURED OUT A SURGE ON THE NORTHERN GAL. WILL THIS WOULD BE A BACKUP. JOSH WILL, YOU DON’T ALWAYS HAVE TO HAVE A GIRL. I DON’T AND I’M OK. JUST LET IT HAPPEN WILL. YOU FORCE THINGS. YES, EITHER ONE OF MY SISTERS WOULD PROBABLY GO OUT WITH YOU - AND YOU’D GO TO A SPIRITUAL UNDERGROUND ROCK CONCERT OR SOMETHING AT THE HORIZON - BUT YOU’D BE CARVING FOR DECADES. I KNOW. BESIDES I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOU AT OUR HOUSE ON SUNDAY AFTERNOON EVEN IF THE BEARS WIN. I WANT TO SEE YOU ON THE FIELD. WILL OK, I GOT IT ! STAY AWAY FROM JOSH’S SISTER.

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JOSH EXCUSE ME WILL. WE’VE GOT MORE CUSTOMERS COMING IN. THEY’LL PROBABLY WANT LEINES. WILL YOU KNOW THEY SERVE THAT STUFF UP IN MILWAUKEE COUNTY STADIUM. MY DAD SAYS A CASE WENT FOR $1.99 WHEN HE WAS IN COLLEGE. JOSH WELL EVERYONE NOW DRINKS THIS STUFF. IN FACT YOU’RE WEIRD IF YOU DON’T. MAN, IT USED TO BE BUDWEISER ALL THE WAY - NOW IT’S LEINENKUGAL. WILL, I GOTTA ATTEND TO THESE GUYS. WILL I’LL HANG. JOSH OK SIR. YOU WANT 6 LEINES - BUT THERE IS ONLY 3 OF YOU. OK I GET IT - YOU DRINK FAST. WHAT WAS THAT ?

WILL JOSH THEY SAID THEY WANTED CHEESE SANDWICHES. JOSH I CAN HANDLE IT WILL. WILL YOU GUYS LOOK LIKE YOU’RE FROM NEAR THE BORDER. YOU GUYS ALL HAVE THAT ACCENT FROM WISCONSIN OR SHOULD I SAY WISQUITO. JOSH WILL SHUT UP. I MAY HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE. I COULD GET IN TROUBLE. CHILL !

WILL WEAGMAN’S ONLY GETS THEIR CHEESE FROM ZUERCHERS HERE IN CHICAGO. THERE REALLY ISN’T ANY OTHER CHEESE. YOU SEE JOSH HERE IS RELATED TO THE ZUERCHERS AS A SECOND COUSIN. ALSO HE HAS RELATIVES IN WISQUITO - NEAR BRODHEAD, MONROE, DECATUR - ALL CHEESEMAKERS. JOSH WILL I’M HAVING TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE - AND WHERE DID YOU GET THIS STUFF ?

WILL JOSH, THESE GUYS ARE EATING THIS STUFF UP. YOU TOLD ME THIS A LONG TIME AGO - ABOUT YOUR SWISS RELATIVES ACROSS THE BORDER. JOSH LAST CHANCE WILL OR I’M CALLING....

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WILL I’LL SHUT UP...BUT LOOK AT THEM EAT THOSE ZUERCHER CHEESE SANDWICHES AND DRINK THAT LEINES. JOSH YES - I FEEL THE CUBS WILL PULL OUT THE DIVISION FROM THE BREWERS SIR - IN FACT WITH GUYS LIKE DEROSA PULLING BIG GAMES - HECK WE CAN DO IT MANY WAYS. THE TRUE BLUE BREW CREW HAS ONLY BIG BATS LIKE HARDY AND THE OVERWEIGHT FIELDER. WE HAVE A COMPLETE TEAM PLUS LOU. WILL AND SORIANO - MILWAUKEE HAS NO ONE LIKE HIM. THE SELIGS MAY HAVE AN INFLUENCE UP THERE - BUT THEY DON’T OWN THE UMPS. JOSH I REALLY FEEL WITH RAMIREZ AND ZAMBRANO DOWN THE STRETCH WE’RE IN. LEE WILL HELP ALSO. WILL YES Z COULD BE HUGE IN THE STRETCH RUN IF HE GETS ANY SLEEP BETWEEN STARTS..

JOSH NOT ONLY THAT - LOU HAS BEEN THERE BEFORE UNLIKE MANY OTHER COACHES AND PLAYERS. WILL IF HE GETS THROUGH THESE NEXT FEW DAYS WITHOUT CPR - WE’LL BE OK. JOSH WELL THE BORDER GUYS THINK DIFFERENTLY - WITH SHEETS AND A FEW NO NAMES YOU THINK YOU CAN PULL THIS CENTRAL DIVISION OUT ?

WILL IT’LL BE INTERESTING WITH THE CUBS OWNERS HOPING THEY DO - SO THEY CAN SELL THIS CLUB FOR A ZILLION DOLLARS. JOSH SO YOU GUYS THINK EVERYONE DOWN HERE IS STILL HUNG UP ON RYNO ?

WILL WELL IF WE HAD RYNO AND LOU TOGETHER WE’D BE UNSTOPPABLE. JOSH AND THE 7 GOLD GLOVES, .285 BATTING AVERAGE, 1061 RBIs, MVP IN 84, 282 HOMERS - YES THERE WILL BE A STATUE IN FRONT OF WRIGLEY.

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WILL YES THE RYNO WAS A HERALDED HIGH SCHOOL QUARTERBACK FROM SEATTLE AND HARRY CAREY SAID HE WAS THE VERY BEST HE EVER SAW - KID NATURAL. JOSH OK YOU GUYS - DON’T MIND WILL TALKING. COOL. RYNO WAS THE FLAT OUT BABE RUTH OF CHICAGO. WILL THEY WANT MORE LEINES JOSH. JOSH I’LL TAKE CARE OF THEM WILL. WILL I BET YOU GUYS UP ON THE BORDER LOVED IT WHEN CARLOS AND BARRETT GOT IN THAT FIGHT BACK IN JUNE. JOSH BARRETT HAD TO GO TO THE ER AND GET STITCHES FOR A CUT KISSER. WILL YEAH, WHAT SET ZAMBRANO OFF WAS BARRETT POINTING OUT THE SCOREBOARD TO CARLOS - WE WERE ONLY 5 RUNS BEHIND. I THINK CARLOS LOST COUNT. JOSH THAT WAS DOOMSDAY FOR BARRETT. ONE OF ‘EM HAD TO GO AND IT WASN’T ZAMBRANO. WILL I THINK LOU HAD CPR AND COUNSELING THAT DAY ALSO. JOSH YOU BORDER GUYS CAN’T WAIT FOR FOOTBALL SEASON TO GET IN FULL STEAM. WILL YEP - MAYBE MIDSEASON FAVRE WILL SHAVE - BUT WE’RE INTO BASEBALL HERE. SORRY - YOU GUYS WILL COME CLOSE - AND NOT WIN THE DIVISION. HOW YOU GETTING HOME ?

JOSH NO DESIGNATED DRIVER !

WILL OK - THAT’S COOL TAKING THE L UP TO HARVARD - GETTING CLOSER TO THE ROCK RIVER.

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JOSH YES, I’M WELL AWARE THAT RYNO NEVER WON A WORLD SERIES - IN FACT NO ONE HAS WON A WORLD SERIES HERE SINCE HMMM.......1908 - WE’RE NO DIFFERENT THAN BOSTON. WILL LAST WORLD SERIES WAS IN ‘45 WHICH WE LOST. JOSH YES, WE’VE LOST A TON....BUT NOT THIS YEAR...WE’RE FEELING IT. HECK - WE’RE SAFE SINCE BARTMAN MOVED OUT OF TOWN. ALL THINGS ARE GOING OUR WAY. WILL THE ONLY THING I’M WORRIED ABOUT IS THE SCHEDULE - BUT BOTH TEAMS STILL HAVE TO PLAY BALL AND WIN TO GET IN. IT’S THAT SIMPLE. JOSH WE’LL SEE YOU BORDER GUYS AGAIN WHEN THE PLAYOFFS START....AND WILL, JUST SHUT UP OR I’LL SEND YOU BACK TO NORTHERN.........................

end-EPISODE 1, clark & addison

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