CathFamily November 2015 | Marriage in Good Times and in Bad

MARRIAGE in GOOD TIMES and in BAD

NOVEMBER 2015

2 | November 2015

MATRIMONY:

THE POWER OF TWO TO CHANGE THE CHURCH (AND THE WORLD!) PAGE 6 Byron & Francine Pirola

SEEKING HELP FOR YOUR MARRIAGE:

ARE YOU GETTING THE HELP YOU NEED? Gregory Popcak PAGE 12 GUEST AUTHOR

POPE FRANCIS ON THE ANNULMENT PROCESS

ANNULMENTS MADE EASY...REALLY? PAGE 26

SEASONAL NOTES

FEATURING THE JESSE TREE PAGE 36

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FROM THE EDITOR...

The 2014 and 2015 Synods on the Family and the year in between was an extended opportunity for the whole Church to reflect on the beauty and mission of families and find ways to better support and encourage them. One of the themes which emerged included the need for good pre-marriage formation and support for couples.

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In this issue therapist Dr Greg Popcak and marriage educators Francine and Bryon Pirola take us through the sacramental power of a marriage to uplift our parishes and communities, how and where to get help for your marriage, and an overview on recent changes to the annulment process.

Marilyn Rodrigues

THIS MONTH Nov 2015 Sun 1

All Saints Day

Mon 2 All Souls Day Tues 3 St Martin de Porres Wed 4 St Charles Borromeo Wed 7

Our Lady of the Rosary

Sun 8

Ordinary Time 32

Mon 9 Dedication of the Basilica of St John Lateran Tue 10 St Leo the Great Wed 11 Remembrance Day St Martin of Tours Thu 12 St Josephat Sun 15 Ordinary Time 33 Mon 16 St Margaret of Scotland St Gertrude Tue 17 St Elizabeth of Hungary Wed 18 Dedication of St Peter’s and St Paul’s Basilica Sat 21 Presentation of the Virgin Mary Sun 22 Christ the King Mon 23 St Clement 1 St Columban Tue 24 St Andrew Dung-Lac and companions Wed 25 St Catherine of Alexandria Sun 29 Advent 1 Mon 30 St Andrew

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The Power of Two to Change the Church (and the World!)

By Byron & Francine Pirola

By its very nature Matrimony has the power to renew the Church and all of society. Matrimony is the vocational sacrament within which the vast majority of adult Catholics live, and yet its capacity for teaching, renewing and leading the Church is largely overlooked.

All Sacraments reveal a dimension of God and our relationship with him. Matrimony witnesses, in a concrete way, to the passionate, intimate love of Jesus for his bride, the Church.

St Paul, in his letter to the Ephesians (5:21-33) spells this out very clearly. After describing how husbands are to love their wives in imitation of Christ, and wives are to regard their husbands as they regard the Lord, he adds,

‘“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh”.

This is a great mystery, and I am applying it to Christ and His Church.’ (Eph 5:31-32).

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St John Paul II in his Theology of the Body also held as crucial this passage of St Paul’s on marriage, noting that the Sacrament of Matrimony had a ‘bidirectional’ nature.

“As one can see, this [spousal] analogy works in two directions. While it allows us, on the one hand, to understand better the relationship of Christ with the Church, it permits us, on the other hand, to penetrate more deeply into the essence of marriage to which Christians are called.” (John Paul II, TOB 90:4)

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In other words,

not only can couples look to the example of Christ to learn how to love each other well, they as a couple can

teach the Church

about how Christ loves the Church, and how we as

his bride, are to respond to him.

Thus married couples are called to teach the Church about the nature of Christ’s love; through the example of their relationship all married couples are called to be leaders, offering inspiration and prophetic witness in their parish and wider communities.

Couples teach the Church that God’s love is as intimate as it is benevolent, and that his Kingdom is more relational, like a family, than legalistic.

Like a passionately ‘in love’ couple, Jesus’ love for us is urgent, personal and intimate. He longs to be close to us, to be one with us, to be in communion. It is also permanent and, like the covenant between God and his people, is irrevocable.

The ‘one flesh’ union of husband and wife is not just a physical joining of their bodies for brief and occasional moments. Nor is it their compensation for having to endure the difficulties of marriage and family life! No, their sexual union is a sacred gesture and is instrumental in what St John Paul II called ‘a communion of persons’ – the interpersonal communion of body and soul between two persons in a mutual self-gift.

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Married love is indeed a powerful witness and teacher. It images and makes real the

profound mysteries of our faith and is thus worthy of

contemplation and

reverence.

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The passionate married couple thus illuminates and images the Eucharistic communion – Jesus gives his body and sheds his blood in a total outpouring of love for his bride, the Church.

When a couple make love, they too give their bodies and shed their blood (ie. lay down their life in service) to each other in the image of Christ. And just as husband and wife become ‘one flesh’ in sexual communion, so also do we, the bride of Christ, become one flesh with Jesus in Eucharistic communion.

Sexual communion is a sacred rite; a deeply holy and sacramental act for the married couple. It is no accident that sexual union is considered essential to the establishment of the Sacrament of Matrimony when the couple marries:

“In fact, the words themselves, ‘I take you as my wife/as my husband’ do not only refer to a determinate reality, but they can only be fulfilled by the copula conjugale (conjugal intercourse).”

(John Paul II, TOB 103:2)

About the authors Byron and Francine Pirola have been married for 26 years and have five children.

They are the co-directors of the Marriage Resource Centre and authors of the SmartLoving series. Byron is also a management consultant. Francine is the founder of CathFamily and author of the My School Diary series which is used by more than 100,000 Catholic school students and teachers across Australia every year.

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ARE YOU GETTING the HELP you NEED? Ways Seeking Help Can Make Things Worse

By Dr Greg Popcak

Sometimes if you are struggling in your marriage it can feel like nothing you try works, but that doesn’t have to be the case. Following are some common mistakes spouses make in seeking help, and some ways to overcome these obstacles to marital healing.

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1:

“I read books that told me to love more and give more‌ but they just made things worse.â€?

Inspirational, quasi-advice type books written by well-meaning people who have gone through the normal ups and downs of married life are often of little use to couples struggling with serious problems.

Moreover, these can actually make a struggling marriage worse because they typically ask readers to adopt an even more vulnerable posture (love more, give more, be more patient and understanding). If a marriage is challenged, and especially if there is any kind of abuse, adopting such a posture will create an increasingly toxic environment.

It is important to seek out self-help resources (books, programs) developed by professional marriage counsellors who are trained to offer strategies for handling complicated relationship problems.

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Studies show that couples tend to wait four to six years from the onset of problems to the time they begin to seek professional help.

On top of this, if one’s spouse is abusive, emotionally or otherwise, there is even less of a motivation for the offending spouse to want to seek help even if they say they would like to stop. Why? Because, sadly, the marriage actually works for them. The angry, emotionally manipulative, or abusive spouse has all kinds of strategies for getting what he or she wants out of the relationship.

Make the appointment anyway. Most spouses will come along if for no other reason than they want to make sure the therapist gets their side of the story. But a therapist trained in oneperson marital therapy can still help you make huge improvements in your marriage even working on your own.

The key is to make sure your counsellor has had specific training and supervision in marital therapy. Trained marital therapists have success rates over 90 percent. Systems Theory and Gottman Relationship Therapy are two of the most successful, empiricallyvalidated approaches to marital therapy.

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2: “My spouse Doesn’t Want to go to counselling.”

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3: “We went to a couple of sessions, but it didn’t do

anything.”

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Going to therapy doesn’t guarantee success but there are a few common reasons a couples’ attempts at therapy don’t work.

The first is that the couple may be seeking help from a therapist who is doing marital counselling without proper training.

Second, research shows that serious marital problems often require a commitment of at least 12-24 sessions.

Third, couples often become demoralised when one spouse seems to be undermining the process by constantly complaining about the expense, not doing the homework, or pouting about having to go. Usually, this behaviour will stop in a few weeks once the offending spouse realises that it won’t stop their mate from making the next appointment. Otherwise, a shift to One-Person Marital Therapy can make all the difference as that solo-spouse begins to learn ways to set effective boundaries that spoil the games the offending spouse is playing.

The bottom line - make sure you are working with a trained marital therapist, then stick with it even if your spouse resists.

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4:

“Counselling was too

expensive.”

Unfortunately, medical treatment, including psychological help, is expensive. The good news is, most insurers do have some mental health benefit and you should take advantage of it when possible. But even if you don’t have good health insurance, as of 2013, the average divorce costs between $15,000$20,000 plus a lifetime of hassle negotiating childcare, support, house rules, etc. By contrast, an entire year’s worth of marital therapy (should you even need that much) would cost about $5,000-$6,000. That’s not cheap, but it is up to 75 percent less expensive than the alternative on the high end of both duration and cost.

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5:

“I went to spiritual direction/counselling with my pastor.”

There is a HUGE difference between spiritual direction and counselling. Simply put, a spiritual director’s job is to help you find God in the situation you find yourself in whatever it is, while a therapist’s job is to help you change your situation.

Spiritual direction, in short, is really not about changing anything so much as it is about being able to understand how God is relating to you through your present circumstances.

A woman in an abusive relationship might experience her spiritual director telling her to “join her sufferings to the cross of Christ” while

her therapist is telling her to “stand up to your husband and set boundaries.” This is not conflicting advice. It is complementary. Someone who is experiencing a spouse’s cruelty needs to be able to both change their situation and experience God’s love in their present trials.

Know that regardless of your situation, competent help is available to you. Don’t be afraid to seek it out and don’t be afraid to commit to it when you find it. I pray that God will lead you to the healing you seek.

This is an abridged version of Dr Popcak’s article.

For the complete version visit his blog ‘Faith on the Couch’ or click here

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About the author Dr Greg Popcak is a therapist, radio host, author and the director of the Pastoral Solutions Institute, through which he and his staff provide Catholic counselling by telephone to clients around the world. He also teaches college courses in both counselling and spiritual direction. He is the devoted husband to Lisa and they have three children.

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the Reasons for Those Arguments Couples often notice when arguments arise they are typically the same arguments that have occurred before, just set on repeat! Why is that?

Conflict and hurt feelings are normal aspects of married life but what isn’t normal, or at least need not be so, is remaining gridlocked in stale and unhelpful patterns of relating. And there is a lot that can be done even by just one of the spouses if he or she is able to understand the dynamic of their relationship and the emotional needs that are driving their arguments, so that they can resolve their internal distress. Then, they are in a better space to address the relationship conflicts with confidence and calm.

SmartLoving BreakThrough is a three-hour workshop run by the Marriage Resource Centre for people needing intervention to break through a cycle of negativity in their marriage. It’s also effective for people in stable marriages who feel disconnected from their spouse and feel frustrated and uncertain about how to improve things.

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The workshops are based on current research and Catholic theology and focus on skills-building. Participants may attend with their spouse or alone. Feedback has been extremely positive. One participant is grateful for the “structured approach to deal with conflict and move to a more positive relationship” with his wife. “We were definitely in gridlock before coming here but I now have some new skills and feel positive and peaceful.”

For more information or for upcoming BreakThrough workshops dates and locations, visit www.SmartLoving.org.

Can’t physically get to one? Look out for the online version coming soon!

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Annulments Made Easy‌

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nces u o n n A ncis a r F e iage p r o r “P a M r asie E r o f s e Chang (NYT); ” s t n Annulme “Pope Fra ncis ma kes annulme nt of m arriages easier” (C NN )

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If all one did was read these headlines, one could easily conclude that the Catholic Church has finally succumbed to secular pressure and accepted the reality of divorce. But what is really going on?

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A Painful Reality While every marriage begins in hope and optimism, sadly, many marriages flounder and in a number of those, one or both spouses decide to end the marriage through a civil divorce. In some of these cases, due to mental instability, violence or other serious dysfunction, the Church would support the separation of the spouses.

In cases where it appears impossible for the spouses to ever re-establish a functioning relationship, a civil divorce might also be supported.

None of this however, automatically assumes that an annulment would be granted.

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What is an Annulment?

An annulment differs from a civil divorce (which is a legal termination of the civil marriage contract) in that it is a declaration that the essential elements that establish the Sacrament were never present either at the time of the wedding or subsequent to it. It doesn’t mean that the marriage never existed (it did) or that any children are illegitimate (they’re not, and who uses that language anymore anyway?). It simply means that the good intentions of the couple, their family and their celebrant were not sufficient to overcome the obstacles that prevented the couple from establishing a Sacramental bond.

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What Was The Problem?

The annulment process to date has been a long (more than 12 months) and for some people, costly affair. Add to that, the shame of failure and fear that the petitioning spouse may need to interact with a hostile ex-spouse and many simply decided that seeking an annulment is not worth it, especially since there is no guarantee that it would be granted. Instead, they remarry outside the Church or re-partner without marriage, both of which precludes them from receiving the Sacraments of Communion and Reconciliation. Not surprisingly, many Catholics in this situation withdraw from parish life altogether.

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How has this changed?

In the past, each annulment application required the evaluation of two tribunals, one local and the other regional.

Pope Francis has both shortened the process and made it cheaper by removing the need to have a second evaluation by a regional tribunal and giving full authority to the local bishop. In the rare cases that are referred to the Vatican tribunal, he has made the process free.

What hasn’t changed is the Church’s doctrine about the indissolvability of marriage nor the grounds on which an annulment can be declared. In other words, the changes to the process do not make it more likely that couples seeking an annulment with get it; they will simply find out the result faster and it will cost them less to do so.

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Is it worth it?

What many couples don’t realise is that the annulment process can be very effective in helping spouses process the pain associated with the marriage breakdown. When done well, this process assists them in understanding themselves better and can illuminate why the relationship failed to flourish. If they plan to remarry, this is a vital step in helping them to avoid similar problems in a subsequent relationship.

In all of this, it is vital that Catholics continue to safeguard the alternative – marriage as a freely given, total, permanent, faithful and fruitful union between a man and a woman. And that’s a job for all us, whether married, celibate or single.

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SmartLoving

e-newsletter Because Every Marriage Matters Keep the health of your marriage front-of-mind by subscribing to the free SmartLoving e-newsletter. It features news, commentary and current research on relationships, as well as inspiration, tips and strategies for making your marriage the best it can be. SmartLoving.org

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INSPIRING MARRIAGES Our Pinterest board is packed with inspiration for your marriage, including tips and strategies for a stronger marriage, some great married couples, prayers, date night suggestions, and more!

Click here.

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SEASONAL NOTES

November

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FEATURING THE JESSE TREE Genealogy is popular these days, due to the Internet and a popular TV series which follows celebrities tracing their family histories. To know and connect with one’s biological family is a deeply human need. And the most natural way to trace one’s lineage is through marriages and the children of marriages.

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Deep are the wounds when a person is denied any knowledge of their natural parents or ancestry because of intense social upheaval, unjust laws, and/or the use of IVF technology.

In the Jesse Tree tradition we commemorate Jesus’s ancestors while connecting with the rich spiritual ancestry, grounded deeply in marriage, that we are privileged to share.

CRAFT Make your Jesse Tree Prepare your family for the joy of Christmas whilst introducing them to the many extraordinary men and women of the Hebrew Scriptures.

CRAFT Jesse Tree Cookies Make your family Jesse Tree even more appetising by creating edible ornaments! This is great fun for kids and is also perfect for morning teas after a Sunday mass.

CRAFT Jesse ‘Tea’ Party Why not host a tea party with an Advent flavour? Serve Gingerbread cookies with Jesse Tree symbols!

PRAYER Jesse Tree Prayer Light a candle and pray the Jesse Tree Prayer through advent with your family.

For more ideas and inspiration visit www.CathFamily.org 2015 November | 39