FEATURE ARTICLE
A Conversation about... Housework PAGE 4 Featuring... Bernard Toutounji Marilyn Rodrigues The Survey Results
SMARTLOVING
Getting on the Same Side of the Broom PAGE 28
SEASONAL NOTES
Guardian Angels, Halloween and more... PAGE 36
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2 | October 2014
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From the Editor... Hello friends! This month we are doing a feature on housework, a topic that can be very touchy and contentious between spouses and their children. We thank all who provided feedback via our survey on the topic, the results of which can be found on page 20. Next month we celebrate the feast of All Souls on November 2nd which is a perfect opportunity to talk about Grief & Loss. Again, we are looking for your insights and contributions with a short survey. Tell us how you have dealt with a death in your family, what you did as a family to help you and your children grieve and what was not so helpful.
Kiara Pirola Editor
This Month October 2014 We 1 St Therese of of Lisieux Th 2
Feast of our Guardian Angels
Sa 4
St Francis of Assisi
Su 5
Ordinary Time 27 Wicked Tenants
Mo 6 St Bruno Tu 7
Our Lady of the Rosary
Th 9
Sts Denis & Companions St John Leonardi
Su 12 Ordinary Time 28 You’re Invited! Tu 14 St Callistus I We 15 St Teresa of Avilia Th 16 St Hedwig St Margaret Mary Alacoque Fr 17 St Ignatius of Antioch Sa 18 St Luke the Evangelist Su 20 Ordinary Time 29 God’s Path St Paul of the Cross We 22 St John Paul II Th 23 St John of Capistrano Fr 24 St Anthony Claret Su 26 Ordinary Time 30 Love the Lord! Tu 28 Sts Simon & Jude Fr 31 All Hallow’s Eve
Tell us how your family does it: Grief & Loss October 2014 | 3
By Kiara Pirola
4 | October 2014
One of the most marked social trends of the last thirty years has been the shift away from the home as the centre of family life. An odd paradox has emerged from all this: We spend a significant amount of money on our homes to spend less time in them. There has been an explosion in popular culture of homemaking and interior decorating with TV shows, magazines and blogs. Ranging from high end to budget DIY, creating a beautiful home has never been more ‘essential’. Yet at the same time, we spend less and less time in them! Both parents are working longer hours, we eat out more and eat more takeaway, kids social acivities like birthday parties are increasingly outsourced and kids have more extra curricula activities than ever before. This month is the beginning of a conversation about what it means to have a home: how to create one and how to manage the maintence of your home and involve your kids in this great task. We begin with some commentary from Bernard Toutounji on the social changes we have seen in the last thirty years and with a personal story from Marilyn Rodrigues. Finally, we share the results from the survey of our readers with your Top Strategies on getting your kids to help with the housework.
October 2014 | 5
Anyone can do the
Housework;
but who is doing the
Homework? By Bernard Toutounji
Did you know that it is women who do the majority of housework? Even mothers of young children, who are holding down fulltime jobs, seem to spend more time than men with a mop and vacuum in hand. This, however, is not new information; every few months you can find a news report somewhere highlighting the situation. The most recent Household, Income and Labour Dynamics in Australia Survey (HILDA), shows that in households where men are the main breadwinners, they do 14.5 hours of housework a week, compared to 27.6 hours by women.
6 | October 2014
That may seem understandable, but even when the situation is reversed, and women are the main breadwinners, the data still shows that men are not taking up their fair share of the load. Needless to say, if both the man and woman are in the workforce it seems only right that they contribute to the domestic duties in an equitable matter.
October 2014 | 7
However, these reports about who is doing what chores are only so helpful, and in fact I think that in some respects, they are completely unhelpful. They may be leading us to believe that quantifiable domestic tasks, such as cooking, cleaning and laundry, are the sum work to be done in keeping a household, and by extension a family, in good order.
8 | October 2014
Of course ‘back in the day’ we know that husbands left the house to work, and wives raised the children and cared for the home. Since women got the vote in Australia in 1902 however, there has been a steady march towards a greater participation of women in the paid workforce, and in the last two generations this has really flowered (which is not in-principle a bad thing). Governments are working harder than ever to ensure than women are getting back into the workforce as soon as possible after having their 1.87 children.
Now if a woman who remained at home were only there to keep the floors polished and the shirts ironed, then by all means we should ensure the tasks are as fairly spread as they can be, and if at all possible, hire someone else to take charge of the dusting to allow for an even greater opportunity for women to participate in the paid workforce.
October 2014 | 9
As with numerous things in our enlightened society though, we may have undersold the true value of one spouse being at home, while the other works to financially support the family. Having one spouse at home is about far more than getting domestic chores done.
10 | October 2014
In fact the domestic chores are almost only a means through which the real work is done, and that real work is in the creation of a home. We all live in houses but we are spending less quality time at home because father, mother and children are often working too hard. A new survey says that many families are spending just over 30 minutes of quality time together during the week and less than three hours on Saturday and Sunday. Ironically perhaps, the same survey shows that much of the weekend is now taken up with the housework that was traditionally done during the week.
A home however is more than a house. A home exists within the four walls of a house, but it is not able to be assessed in the same way that we tally up the time taken to do domestic chores.
One who chooses to be a ‘homemaker’ may certainly undertake domestic chores, but the real task is in the time taken to sit with the children and have a tea party, to collate a photo album of the family holidays, or to write birthday and ‘get well’ cards on behalf of the family.
October 2014 | 11
The ‘job’ of a homemaker is to build relationships within the family. It is to reach out to those in need because there is the time to do so. It is the role of making the family house a warm and inviting place; a place where one’s spouse and children are able to be together in peace and love. In fact the homemaker may not necessarily be the best person at cleaning, ironing and cooking at all, but that is to some degree not important. The real task is to be very much the heart of the home. I know some will roll their eyes and tell me that this is mere idealism, but I think it is right to say that it is idealism … because it is ideal. Of course this is not possible in every family because every family has its own story. Some families are only two people so the need for one person to be at home is lessened. In some families the costs of living require both husband and wife to spend some time out working.
Bernard Toutounji is an Australian writer, speaker and commentator with a regular column called Foolish Wisdom. He is husband to Jane and a new father. Bernard speaks at parishes, schools and conferences on topics of faith, morality and the Church’s vision of the Human Person.
www.FoolishWisdom.com
12 | October 2014
The point is, though, we can’t break down home life to a bunch of cleaning jobs that need to be crossed off a list. In a society where so many families live separate lives under the same roof, where the dining room table is no longer used for its created purpose, we need more than ever, to appreciate the vital role of the home-maker.
October 2014 | 13
Maximise your Day... Minimise your Daily Stresses By Marilyn Rodrigues
14 | October 2014
Weekday mornings used to be so stressful at our place. I always lost track of the time. I’d forget whether I’d taken my multivitamin or not, and where my keys and sunglasses were. The kids were always scrambling around looking for their shoes at the last minute, too afraid to ask me for help because I was giving them the look of death. Shouting was not uncommon, general confusion and annoyance was constant. By the time we got to school I would be exhausted, completely deflated by my own screeching at the children, frustrated by their lack of initiative, just thinking the day was only good for the bin already.
October 2014 | 15
One day I promised myself it would not be so bad again. I would finally fix all the little things that trip us up in the mornings. And I realised that for the last two years’ of school mornings I was always running around the house to check the time.
I didn’t have a clock in the kitchen, which meant the children relied on me to tell them when to finish up from breakfast time and move onto getting dressed. I realised this was setting the wrong tone to the morning - that I had to tell them to do everything or they wouldn’t do it.
16 | October 2014
Also, I didn’t wear a watch and the time on my mobile phone was five minutes slow. I would run out to our back sunroom and read the time from the clock there. This added to the confusion and general running around which always frustrated me. I realised the kids were not focussing on getting ready for school because I seemed unfocused myself.
October 2014 | 17
I can’t believe I put off for so long fixing the little things that hampered our family life every day. A clock in the kitchen and in their bedrooms and teaching them to tell the time! A spare pair of sunnies and extra sun hats for everyone! Shoe baskets in the bedrooms! Clean, ironed clothes from the night before! Making everyone take their vitamins and medications at the same time!
18 | October 2014
While I know I also need to learn to manage my feelings of stress better, these simple changes have really helped the mornings run smoothly and put us all in a positive frame of mind for the day. Now my look of death only comes out on special occasions instead of every morning.
Marylin Rodrigues is a Sydney-based writer and blogger and a regular contributor to CathFamily. She is a also wife and mother of five children. She has a regular blog about peaceful parenting and spirituality.
www.marilynrodrigues.com
October 2014 | 19
How you do Housework: the results from the CathFamily survey
You might recall that last month, we set up a survey of our readers to get a better look at how everyone does their housework and the results are in!
70%
of you are not satisfied with your current housework arrangement.
75%
of you would like to see your children contribute more.
20 | October 2014
How you
Delegate Housework...
65% of you introduce your kids to housework at ages 3-5 years. Most of this might not be surprising; it gets more interesting when we asked for the strategies that work for you. The most frequent method was using rotating rosters and lists with 22% of respondents using them.
“When the kids were little we had a roster on the fridge for the chores they could do. Now they are older, I am very big on leaving lists on the kitchen bench. They are pretty good at dividing the tasks among themselves and getting the jobs done happy mum, happy life!� – Anon
October 2014 | 21
The second most frequently mentioned method was emphasising individual responsibility. The most common situation was Mum and Dad taking care of the major tasks and the kids being tasked with cleaning up their mess, folding their laundry, making sure their school bag is packed properly etc, often with natural consequences being enforced.
“My husband and I share the house chores. We don’t set tasks. Just simply helping each other out in order to create a comfortable home for the family. Kids are responsible to look after their rooms and pack away their belongings such as school bags, lunch bag and shoes. Also put away their bowls and spoons in the kitchen sink after each meal. They sometimes help out with vacuum cleaning!” - Bernice
22 | October 2014
A large chunk of respondents had a task assignment strategy which was either individual tasks or a combination of individual and shared tasks like cleaning up after dinner. The most impressive assignment system was this one:
“I take into account age, amount of homework, behaviour, and the chores to be done before I assign the work. Then I give a time frame to complete it and as long as it is done within that time frame, we’re all good.” – Blanca
October 2014 | 23
32%
of respondents would recommend incentives as a major strategy for getting the kids involved. However, there was a caveat in that incentives were tied to privileges, or a special outing, or a portion of their pocket money rather than material things.
“I think it’s reasonable for them to be paid a little bit for some jobs & have other jobs just because they are part of a family...” – Anon Most people who mentioned incentives also talked about consequences, usually the natural consequences of not getting things done. One of the most creative consequences was this one:
“Show them how important it is for everyone to contribute by NOT doing something that is considered your job. Then when they complain you can explain to them that just like it is your responsibility to do that job it is also theirs to help around the house.” – Blanca
24 | October 2014
The second was having clear expectations and standards. A lot of frustration from both parents and children comes from not articulating the definition of ‘clean’. Your child may have vacuumed all the visible dirt, but his little sister has asthma and frequent vacuuming of hard-to-get places reduces the dust, helping her breathe easier. Your child will be frustrated because they believe they are doing their job, but it’s still ‘not done’! One respondent put it this way:
“Tell them you need to work as a team, and have a family meeting to set jobs. Let them choose what jobs to do (with some direction) and show them how to do the job to your standard. You may have to show them, do it with them and then watch them to get it right but it’s worth it.” – Anon
October 2014 | 25
Another frequent mention was gratitude. 11% strongly emphasised how important it was to acknowledge every contribution and thank your kids (and your spouse too!) for them.
“Let them know the importance of helping each other in the family and how much you appreciate their help. Acknowledge their contributions! – Bernice “Commend for their hard effort even though it’s not according to your expectations.” – Shey Even if the job is not absolutely perfect, that is okay. The job might be too much for them and might need to be renegotiated. 15% of you talked about choices and negotiation (within limits) around who does what and when it should be done.
26 | October 2014
So there you have it! We loved getting your responses and we have left the survey open so if you haven’t contributed you are still free to do so! We will definitely revisit this topic in the future and we’d love to hear from more of you.
If you would like a further breakdown of the stats and info, we’ll be putting up a more detailed post with graphs! See here. Our SmartLoving column will break down some of the marriage related data and also give some insights and tips from the experts on dealing with housework and building your marriage at the same time!
Take the Housework Survey
Take the Grief & Loss Survey
October 2014 | 27
Getting on the Same Side of the Broom
By Francine & Byron Priola
Housework is one of the most commonly cited topics of dispute by couples. In a survey run by CathFamily, when asked if the respondent was satisfied with the housework arrangement between themselves and their spouse, 70% were dissatisfied with their current arrangement.
Clearly, this is not an issue that resolves itself easily! Suggestions from participants on how to handle conflict on the issue were insightful. So much so, one person suggested that if you can afford a cleaner, get one – ‘it’s not worth the arguments’.
28 | October 2014
Certainly, sometimes going around a disagreement is an effective strategy; although it often isn’t a permanent solution as the underlying difference of opinion persists and may well emerge at a different time or in a different setting. Another respondent commented on ‘standards’ and the importance of coming to agreement on them. In truth, when couples argue about housework, often the argument is not so much about who does more or who should do what; the real issue is a divergence on the standards.
In our household, our children complain that if they try to help, we either micromanage or redo it because it’s not to our standard. Byron, being a biochemist by training, is fastidious about washing the dishes. He regularly displaces Francine at the sink and rewashes the dishes processed by the children. They feel frustrated by this and take great delight in pointing out his shortcomings when he inadvertently misses a spot! Similarly, Francine has a tendency to intervene when anybody is taking their turn at cooking. Both Byron and kids feel undermined when she corrects or interferes with their efforts. One thing is clear; if, as husband and wife, you have different expectations around housework, you will have trouble communicating a cohesive message to your children on the topic.
Here is our number one tip to help you get on the same side of the broom: have a standards conversation. October 2014 | 29
So you’ve got a difference of opinion over housework. Before you can successfully work out who, when and what regarding the distribution of chores, you need to understand each other’s standards. But don’t just talk about what represents an acceptable standard for a particular task, get to the values beneath the standard that are driving your perspective.
30 | October 2014
For example, Byron’s standards on washing up are not about having things so clean that you could run a chemical experiment in them. Rather, they are about hygiene. In the case of tableware, a smudgy surface leaves us wondering what unseen germs from the previous user might now be floating in our drink or mixing with our food. Similarly, dirty pots and dishes are breeding grounds for bacteria. Byron’s value is for hygiene. When it comes to dishes, Francine’s primary value is about forming the children in responsibility.
Similarly, Francine’s pickiness around the cooking is not about the ‘right’ way to cook, but about getting all the different dishes on the table hot, and at the same time so that family time is not interrupted by the cook running back and forth to the kitchen throughout the meal. Her value is for family harmony (primary value) via delicious cuisine (secondary value). In contrast, Byron values family harmony but prefers to accomplish it through conversation and simple food.
October 2014 | 31
32 | October 2014
All of these values have merit and we can each embrace the other’s value happily. So we need to stop talking about standards now, and talk about our values. Specifically, talk about solving our problem in ways that respect both of our values. For example, we might decide that we will only ask the children to wash up the easier dishes, and leave for the more difficult pots and pans for Byron, who will be kept company throughout the task by his doting wife. This meets his value for hygiene or her value for responsibility formation. Or we may decide to do it together, later, without the kids around and use other chores to form the children in responsibility, such as the meal preparation. Here we may decide that on the days when Francine is not cooking, that she’s not allowed in the kitchen but must enjoy a compulsory pre-dinner quiet time to herself (perhaps Byron gets to join her in this occasionally!).
October 2014 | 33
If the children cook, the adults can take care of the dishes. The food may not be simple or delicious, but it’s likely that family harmony will be achieved, albeit by a different course. And that’s okay, because family harmony was the primary value, and delicious or simple food were secondary values.
Which solution to choose? Pick the one that will most advance your unity as a couple. Unity is like the ultimate value that trumps all others. When we make unity the priority of our discussions, we can be sure that whatever decision we make will be good for us and for our family.
The Standards Conversation Area of disagreement:……………..................………….. 1. What do you want? That is, to what standard do you think this needs to be done? 2. What are the values beneath your standard? And how strongly do you hold them? 3. What are some ways of doing this that honours both of your values? 4. Which of these ideas is likely to be best for your unity as a couple? 34 | October 2014
Seminars | Resources | Articles Find out more about Catholic marriage and how you can enjoy deeper intimacy and spiritual connection.
SEASONAL NOTES
October is a packed month with loads of feast days and opportunities to create a catholic family culture. Here are some of our favourites. FEAST DAY | OCTOBER 2
Feast of our Guardian Angels
What exactly are angels? Do they really exist and how do they work in the world? Everything you need to know about all kinds of Angels and practical ways you can connect your family to this ancient tradition. FEAST DAY | OCTOBER 7
Our Lady of the Rosary
The Rosary Key Chain is a simple craft and a brilliant catechesis on the rosary. October is the month of the rosary and is the perfect time to introduce your kids to this beautiful prayer.
FEAST DAY | OCTOBER 31
Reclaiming Halloween
In an attempt to reclaim Halloween, some Christian families have embraced the event with the view of redeeming it from these unsavoury associations.
All this and more can be found at www.CathFamily.org 38 | October 2014
It is that time of year again! A nice long period between hectic periods of fasting and feasting that is aptly called Ordinary Time. That being said, there is plenty to do to foster a simple, steady prayer routine to bridge the seasons. Here are some featured activities, recipes and prayers. CRAFT | OCTOBER 1
Living Faith Beads
St Therese of Lisieux, also called The Little Flower, was known for her simple yet profound faith. She reportedly carried a string of ten beads in her pocket as a means of counting the good deeds that she would do as a devotion. PRAY | OCTOBER 5-19
The Synod on the Family
Pope Francis is calling on all people to pray for him and his bishops as they gather to discuss the challenges facing marriage and family life in the modern world. We’ve made up a nice, little prayer card to use in your family prayer time. PRAY | OCTOBER 22
Family Prayer Bookmarks
The pressures of modern life have dramatically affected families. St John Paul II was acutely aware of these pressures on families and dedicated an apostolic letter to families and a prayer to strengthen families.
For more ideas and inspiration visit www.CathFamily.org October 2014 | 39