Talking to Kids about DEATH
FEATURE ARTICLE
How to Talk to Kids about Death PAGE 4 Featuring Gregory Popcak
SMARTLOVING
Till Death Do Us Part PAGE 23
SEASONAL NOTES
All Saints, All Souls, Christ the King & Advent PAGE 28
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2 | November 2014
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From the Editor...
This Month November 2014
Hello Dear Readers! This month we are taking on the painful subject of grief and loss. Our Christian Faith is a source of enormous hope and healing in the face of death. Death, paradoxically, is both an evil and yet it is only by dying that we are born into the eternal light of God’s love. Most adults struggle with this paradox and parents have the additional difficulty of trying to explain it to their children. We’ve called in an expert, Dr Gregory Popcak, to provide some guides to navigating those troubling times. We have not received as many survey responses as we hoped, so we are leaving it open for a while longer and will analyse the results in a future issue.
Kiara Pirola Editor
Sa 1
All Saints Day
Su 2
All Souls Day Going to God
Mo 3 St Martin de Porres Tu 4
St Carlo Borromeo
Su 9
Dedication of the Basilica of St John Lateran Sacred Temple, Sacred People
Mo 10 St Leo the Great Tu 11 Rememberance Day St Martin of Tours We 12 St Josephat Th 13 St Frances Xavier Cabrini Sa 15 St Albert the Great Su 16 Ordinary Time 33 Use Your Talents St Margaret of Scotland St Gertrude Mo 17 St Elizabeth of Hungary We 18 Dedication of St Peter’s & St Paul’s Basilica Fr 21 Presentation of Virgin Mary Sa 22 St Cecilia Su 23 Christ the King Sheep & Goats Mo 24 St Andrew Dung-Lac & companions Tu 25 St Catherine of Alexandria Su 30 Advent 1 Stay Awake! St Andrew
How does your family do it? Grief & Loss Take the survey here 2014 November | 3
Talking to Kids
4 | October 2014
about DEATH
By Dr Gregory Popcak
Gina’s father just passed away having lost his long battle with cancer. She is devastated but even harder is trying to decide what to do about her children, ages 8, 5 and 2. Some of her friends are telling her to keep the children away from the funeral while others are insisting that it is important to include them in some way. Gina, reeling from her loss, doesn’t know what to do and doesn’t have a great deal of energy to figure it out. She feels confused and overwhelmed by everything that’s happening around her.
October 2014 | 5
No one wants to talk about issues related to death and dying. We especially don’t want to have to talk about it with our children. As Christians, however, the month of November, with the Feasts of All Saint’s and All Soul’s Days, gives us a wonderful opportunity to take charge of our fears and teach our children some important lessons about life, loss, and God’s abundant love.
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What is Death? We were not created to die. The Catechism states that it was not God’s intention that we would experience bodily death.
“Even though man’s nature is mortal, God had destined him not to die. Death was therefore contrary to the plans of God the Creator and entered the world as a consequence of sin. ‘Bodily death, from which man would have been immune had he not sinned’ is thus ‘the last enemy’ of man left to be conquered” (CCC#1008).
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As human beings, we are said to be “ensouled.” That is, the body and soul were meant to be integral and complimentary to each other. It isn’t entirely correct to say that we “have” a soul. The soul and the body are one and weren’t designed to be separated. Metaphorically speaking, what parts of ice cream are ice? What parts are cream? The ‘ice’ and the ‘cream’ are integral and complimentary to one another. Together, they make ice cream what it is. Of course, a soul is much more to a body than this, but my point is that it should seem even more absurd to think of them as separate things. St. Thomas Aquinas taught that death represented the unnatural separation of the body and soul. They were never meant to be apart from one another. Both, together, make us what we are.
That’s why Christians are sad when someone dies. Even though it is a wonderful thing to be able to hope that the person who has passed has, through God’s love, gone to Heaven, we recognize that we were never meant to be separated from our bodies even for a second, and we ache for the resurrection of the body which will occur when Christ comes again.
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Talking to Kids about Death Parents should not be afraid to talk to children about death. Although we must approach the topic sensitively, the Christian understanding of death is characterized by a profound sense of hope and a deep connection with God’s love. As the Catechism puts it...
“the obedience of Jesus has transformed the curse of death into a blessing. Because of Christ, Christian death has a positive meaning....In death, God calls man to himself” (CCC #1008-1011).
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Here are some things to keep in mind when sharing these deep truths with your children.
1. Be Sensitive Whether your child’s first experience of death is a pet or a loved one or even just a topic of discussion that arises because of All Saints or All Souls, avoid any tendency to launch into lectures or even well-intentioned attempts to take away your child’s feelings. As parents, seeing our children hurt is unbearable, but children don’t want moms and dads to deny their pain. They want them to understand it and love them through it.
Ask your children how they feel about their loss. Let them lead the discussion as much as possible. If they share something, ask where they learned to think what they do and how those thoughts make them feel. Be sure to understand as much of the child’s experience before you offer your own thoughts, and begin by answering questions or filling in any gaps.
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If your child doesn’t know what to think, you can share how losing someone you love makes you feel. Explain that people sometimes feel lots of other things too. Some people feel sad, and others feel angry, and others feel scared and others feel something else- even nothing. Let your child know that whatever he or she feels is OK. Hold your child in your arms. When your child has shared whatever he or she can, tell your child you understand how he or she is feeling and that you are proud of your child for telling you.
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Without trying to talk your children out of what they are feeling, remind your children that even though death is a sad thing, God loves us so much that he promises us that anyone who loves him will get to live with him forever in Heaven and that he loves us so much that one day, he will fix things so that we can even be reunited with our bodies. In fact, he’ll make our bodies even better than before.
You may wish to read John 20:15, John 21:4, and/or Luke 24:13-35. In each of these passages, the disciples did not recognize the resurrected Jesus at first because he was in his glorified body. Someday, we too will receive our glorified body. Even though we will be perfect in our appearance, everyone who loved us and knew us on earth will be able to recognize us, just like those who knew and loved Jesus recognized him.
Remind your children that nothing can separate us from God’s love, not even death.
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2. Should Children Attend the Funeral? There is not one, good answer to this question, as it depends a great deal upon your child’s temperament.
In general, however, I recommend allowing children to participate, as much as you reasonably think they can handle, in the funeral rituals that attend the loss of a loved one. Children need transitions to feel secure. Having someone simply disappear from their livesespecially someone they saw often- can be deeply upsetting. Letting even your smallest children participate in at least a limited way in the viewing, and/or the funeral liturgy and/or the wake can allow them to understand, on an experiential level, what is going on. Don’t force them to do more than they want to, but, in general, don’t exclude them entirely.
14 | November 2014
If you feel your child cannot handle some or all aspects of the funeral, consider giving your child some way to say “goodbye” to the person who has passed. Perhaps your child can draw a picture, make a card, or write a letter to the deceased. For younger children, simply hanging the picture in the refrigerator may be a sufficient memorial. Let your child know that his or her loved one is with God now and can see everything your child does and, as such, is right here with your child. For older children, you may wish to take the letter (or other project) to the cemetery, or burn it and let the smoke rise to Heaven, or tie it to a helium balloon. Work with your child to create a ceremony that will be meaningful for him or her. Be sure to include at least a brief prayer reminding them that God is with their loved one and that he loves all of you very much and is taking care of you through this time and always.
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3. Grieving Means Connecting. One thing people often get wrong about grieving is that they believe it means letting go of the person that passed on. In reality, the real challenge of healthy grieving is finding a way to stay connected to the person even though he or she has passed on. Talk with your child about how he or she can stay connected to the person who has passed away.
Some people like to have material reminders of the person who has passed. Did your loved one give your child a particular toy? Is there some knicknack that belonged to your loved one that may have special meaning to your child?
Physical reminders of our loved ones can be very important. That’s why Catholics value relics so much. They are physical reminders of the saints, our brothers and sisters in the Lord who have gone on before us. Of course, you can remind your children that they can talk to their deceased loved one any time. Let your child know that your loved one is with God and can hear anything your child would like to tell him or her. And, since your loved one is with God, they can pray for your child in an even more special way he or she did when he or she was alive.
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October 2014 | 17
4. Does Your Child Need Special Attention?
If your child isn’t behaving well, is more intense, disobedient, harder to get under control, or just extra rambunctious, don’t see that as a discipline problem as much as a cry for your loving attention.
Children rarely sit parents down and say, “Mom? Dad? I’m having a tough time with this.” Instead, their behavior changes. Remember, as a rule, children behave well when they feel well.
Certainly, offer whatever gentle corrections you must, but make sure to provide extra affection and time together with you. Encourage the unusually overactive child to engage in quieter pursuits with you. Do a craft project together. Read a book together. Pray together. Just cuddle. Anchor the child in the safety and security of your arms.
18 | November 2014
When they encounter death, some children worry about your possible passing. The best way to reassure a child that they are safe and that you are not going away too is to simply be as physically present as you can. If your child’s behavior doesn’t improve or worsens, seek professional assistance. Likewise, if, after a couple of weeks, you’re seeing something about your child’s behavior that makes you wonder if you should talk to a professional, that’s probably a good sign that you should at least seek an evaluation.
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5. What About Pets? The loss of a pet is often the first experience a child has with death. Following all the recommendations I’ve made so far will help your child in dealing with this loss as well. Young children, especially, tend to think of their pets very much the same as human beings and will mourn the pet’s loss in a similar way. Having some kind of funeral to say goodbye, discussing ways to remember the pet, and providing ample comfort and presence will be important here too.
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One question children often ask is whether their pet has gone to Heaven. Although, as Christians, we believe that human beings are the only creatures God willed for himself, the truth is, we don’t know with absolute certainty what Heaven will be like. I recommend simply saying to your child that God loves us so much that he will make sure that whatever we need to be happy with him in Heaven will be there with us.
Be Not Afraid! Although talking about death with our children is never something parents look forward to, we don’t have to be afraid. God is with us. The more sensitive, understanding, gentle, and forthright we can be, the more our children will come to see us as a reliable and credible source for all the questions they have about living life to the full.
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Dr. Greg Popcak is a therapist, radio host, and author of many books. The director of the Pastoral Solutions Institute, he and his staff provide Catholic counseling by telephone to clients around the world. He is devoted husband to Lisa and father of three.
www.CatholicCounselors.com Faith on the Couch
22 | November 2014
Seminars | Resources | Articles Find out more about Catholic marriage and how you can enjoy deeper intimacy and spiritual connection.
Till Death Do Us Part By Francine & Byron Priola
We were taking a vacation to celebrate our 25th Wedding Anniversary. As we settled in for the long flight, my husband pulled out the documents he had been working on – our wills. Apparently, leaving the family for ten days inspired him to update them as they were well overdue. I spent the next two hours sobbing as we worked our way through how we wanted our children to be cared for, how to distribute assets and wind up two lives of 47 and 53 years. By the time the plane landed, we were emotionally rung out. We emailed the updates to parents and siblings (goodness knows what they thought getting that email in their inbox!), and proceeded to have a lovely renewal of body, soul and love.
24 | October 2014
October 2014 | 25
One of the most common regrets we hear from grieving spouses and family when a loved one dies, is that they didn’t have time or didn’t have the courage to say all the things they wanted. They are left with nagging doubts and ‘if onlys’ as they struggle to make sense of their loss. Thinking about death, our own especially, is scary and upsetting. It’s hard to face into it without becoming emotional and so naturally we avoid discussing the possibility. We’ve had a couple of conversations along these lines and athough it’s awfully painful, it is also very valuable time together. We have a renewed sense of togetherness after these conversations and a deeper gratitude because we have reconnected with our most important values, which easily get overlooked in a busy life.
26 | November 2014
So here are a couple of questions to kick start your conversation. Our advice: take your time on this one. Set aside an hour or two, and isolate yourselves from distractions – no phones, email or children awake. Spend 30 minutes writing a love letter to your husband or wife answering the questions: 1. If I only had a week to live, what would I want to say to you? 2. How would I want you to remember me? Then, come together. Take a long hug. Just breathe deeply for a minute or two and let the tension dissipate. One of you read your letter out loud, then let your spouse read it again silently. Then swap roles.
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SEASONAL NOTES
November is the Month of the Holy Souls in Purgatory. That is, the month where we remember our family and friends that have left this world for the next. It begins with All Saints Day to honour the recognised and unrecognised men and women in Heaven. It is followed by All Souls Day, a day to pray for our deceased family and friends. FEAST DAY | NOVEMBER 1
Heavenly Connections: All Saints Day
One of the most beautiful traditions of the Catholic Faith is the celebration of the lives of the Saints. Here’s some tips and ideas to celebrate All Saint’s Day!
PRAYER | NOVEMBER 1
Mini Litany of Saints
The Litany of Saints is an ancient and complex prayer. It has a beautiful rhythm swinging gracefully between the leader and respondents (bold text). It can prayed at any time of the year, but is especially relevant on All Saints Day. FEAST DAYS | NOVEMBER 23
Christ the King
...The Pope responded to the spectres of growing nationalism, materialism and secularisation, with one clear message: Christ is the ultimate King...
All this and more can be found at www.CathFamily.org 30 | November 2014
The season of Advent starts on November 30 this year and now is the time to start making a plan on how you are going to celebrate Advent and Christmas! It is so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle so planning and thought make a real difference in making Christmas and Advent peaceful and Christ-centred. BE INSPIRED
Christmas Consumers
Catholic families the world over have creatively approached their Christmas traditions to help raise their children in the true spirit of the event. CathFamily editor, Kiara Pirola interviewed Ron & Kathy Feher about their experiences. FAMILY RITUALS
The Jesse Tree
Get into the spirit of Advent with your family with this guide to Jesus’ Family Tree.
CRAFT & PRAY
Natural Advent Wreath
Advent is a time of eager anticipation of the coming of Jesus. The lighting of Advent candles is an old tradition that many families and churches use to focus the prayer of the community on the approaching feast of Christmas.
For more ideas and inspiration visit www.CathFamily.org 2014 November | 31