February 2015 | Sacrament Essentials: Reconciliation

FEATURE ARTICLE

Sacrament Essentials: Reconciliation PAGE 4 Kiara & Francine Pirola

SMARTLOVING

Examination of Conscience for Couples PAGE 34

SEASONAL NOTES

Lent & Sacrament Essentials PAGE 40

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2 | February 2015

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This Month As we move towards Lent, we turn our thoughts towards spiritual rejuvenation and toning. Just as an athlete prepares for weeks (or even months) for a major event, so do Catholics spend weeks preparing for Easter. And like an athlete, the better our preparation, the better our performance at the main event!

In this issue we explore the Sacrament of Reconciliation – an essential tool in our spiritual training regime. In many ways, it’s the forgotten Sacrament in the Church, the one that easily slips below the radar. And yet, it is arguably the most potent Sacrament for our spiritual regeneration and personal wellbeing.

February 2015 Su 1

Ordinary Time 4

Tu 3

Sts Blaise & Angsar

Th 5

St Agatha

Su 8

Ordinary Time 5 St Jerome Emiliani St Josephine Bakhita

Tu 10 St Scholastica We 11 Our Lady of Lourdes Sa 14 Sts Cyril & Methodius St Valentine Su 15 Ordinary Time 6 Tu 17 Shrove Tuesday Seven Founders of the Servite Order We 18 Ash Wednesday Sa 21 St Peter Damian Su 22 Lent 1 Chair of St Peter Mo 23 St Polycarp

Kiara Pirola Editor

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4 | February 2015

What’s this all about?

As human beings we communicate through our body; through our words, gestures, facial expressions, and actions. Communication is so foundational to human relationships that they wither when we don’t regularly make the effort to communicate. They also shatter when we use our words or gestures to hurt others.

God also communicates with us through words and gestures and this is especially so in the Sacraments. We have Sacraments of Initiation (Baptism, Communion, Confirmation), Sacraments of Vocation (Holy Orders, Matrimony) and Sacraments of Healing (Reconciliation, Anointing of the Sick). Some Sacraments we only receive once because they mark us permanently with infinite grace, like a spiritual tattoo (eg Baptism, Confirmation). Other Sacraments have abundant graces that can be poured out again and again as we need it (eg Eucharist, Reconciliation).

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The Sacrament of Reconciliation is one of the healing Sacraments and is one of the most important avenues of grace for you and your children to grow in relationship with God and each other.

Your role as a parent is vital in helping your child discover the beauty of this Sacrament and the key to establishing a life-long love for it. But we cannot teach what we do not know so read on to get some insights that will help you deepen your own appreciation for the Sacrament and pass it on to your children.

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The Sacrament of Many Names The Sacrament of Reconciliation goes by many names according to the Catechism • SACRAMENT OF CONVERSION it makes sacramentally present Jesus’ call to conversion, the first step in returning to the father.

• SACRAMENT OF PENANCE it consecrates the sinner’s steps to make amends.

• SACRAMENT OF CONFESSION confessing your sins to a priest is an essential element and confesses our belief in a merciful God. • SACRAMENT OF FORGIVENESS through the priest’s sacramental absolution, the grace of Gods forgiveness is poured out.

• SACRAMENT OF RECONCILIATION it reconnects us to God and to our brothers and sisters in Christ.

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“…the thing the church needs most today is the ability to heal wounds and to warm the hearts of the faithful; it needs nearness, proximity. I see the church as a field hospital after battle. It is useless to ask a seriously injured person if he has high cholesterol and about the level of his blood sugars! You have to heal his wounds. Then we can talk about everything else.

Heal the wounds, heal the wounds.... And you have to start from the ground up.”

- Pope Francis Interview with Antonio Spadaro, S.J., Editor in chief of La Civiltà Cattolica.

8 | January 2015

Pope Francis likens the Church to a field hospital in a battle field. The church is not an exclusive country club for saints, it is more an emergency room for sinners with Jesus as the chief surgeon, blood and organ donor who heals and nourishes us. His primary instruments are not a scalpel and forceps, but the Sacraments of Reconciliation and Anointing of the Sick.

One is focused on spiritual sickness (or sin) and the other more on physical ailments.

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Biblical Origins On the evening of his resurrection, we read in the scriptures that Jesus appeared to his disciples and commissioned them to forgive sins. The following week, Thomas was with them, and though he had doubted, he received Christ’s forgiveness (John 20:19-31).

The power to forgive sins was given to the apostles through the Holy Spirit and has been passed down through the ages to the priests who administer Reconciliation to us today.

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Reconciliation is so much more than a merely human experience of unburdening the soul‌ any good barman, counsellor or hairdresser can listen to a confession! Rather, it is a powerful, gracefilled encounter with the mercy of Jesus, who is present in the person of the priest.

Many people are anxious and fearful about going to confession.

Some have negative memories of past experiences; others have misunderstood the need for the Sacrament, believing that it is sufficient to simply be sorry in their hearts for their sins. Others resist the Sacrament knowing that Christ’s representative, the priest, is himself a human being in need of God’s mercy. Others believe that their sins are simply too dreadful to be forgiven.

Yet Jesus tells us that none of these reasons need keep us from his mercy.

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FREQUENTLY ASKED

Q: Why confess to a priest? Can’t I just say ‘sorry’ to Jesus in my personal prayer?

You can and should do so when you become aware of any sinful thoughts or actions. But your sins don’t just affect you or just you and God! Jesus gave the Church the Sacrament of Reconciliation to allow us to have an intimate conversation with our God through the priest. We confess our sins to a priest, who is the minister of the sacrament, because he stands “in Persona Christi,” meaning that he is in the person of Christ.

12 | January 2015

The mistakes we make, usually have a wider impact than just us, whether or not they directly involve another person. We are all part of the Body of Christ, and when one part is hurt or sick, it affects the rest of the body. Reconciliation is not just about healing your own hurts and making your personal relationship God right, it is about healing the whole Body of Christ too. Through the priest, Jesus comes to heal you and the whole Church!

A twentieth century Polish saint, Faustina, had a series of revelations

by Christ which became the basis for Divine Mercy Sunday. Among the writings of her diary in which she recorded the conversations she had with Jesus, are the following words from him:

“Come with faith to the feet of my representative…and make your confession before me. The person of the priest is, for me, only a screen. Never analyse what sort of a priest that I am making use of; open your soul in confession as you would to me, and I will fill it with my light.”

- Jesus to St Faustina

Read more on Divine Mercy 2015 February | 13

Q: Do Priests remember my sins?

No they really don’t! If you don’t believe us, allow Fr Mike Schmitz to reassure you...

“As a priest, I rarely, if ever, remember sins from the confessional That might seem impossible, but the truth is, sins aren’t all that impressive. They aren’t like memorable sunsets or meteor showers or super-intriguing movies… they are more like the garbage.

“And if sins are like garbage, then the priest is like God’s garbage-man. If you ask a garbage-man about the gross-est thing he’s ever had to haul to the dump, maaaaaaybe he could remember it. But the fact is, once you get used to taking out the trash, it ceases to be noteworthy, it ceases to stand out.

-Fr Mike Schmitz

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“Honestly, once you realise that the Sacrament of Reconciliation is less about the sin and more about Christ’s death and resurrection having victory in a person’s life, the sins lose all of their luster, and Jesus’ victory takes center stage.

“Whenever someone comes to Confession, I see a person who is deeply loved by God and who is telling God that they love Him back. That’s it, and that’s all.”

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Q: I’ve just unloaded a huge list of horrible sins and the priest only gave me a ‘Hail Mary’.

What’s the deal? I thought penance was supposed to be hard!

Penance has a two-fold purpose.

It’s first make direct amends to your neighbour. Things that simple justice requires like returning stolen goods or restoring someone’s reputation you may have damaged.

The second is to restore you spiritually via prayer, a work of mercy, or fasting. Your priest takes you and the bigger context of your spiritual growth into account when he is assigning you penance and will never give you something you cannot achieve. That would defeat the whole point!

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There is, however, another littleknown aspect of penance. Fr Mike Schmitz explains…

“One time, after college, I was returning to Confession after a long time and a lot of sin and the priest simply gave me something like “one Hail Mary” as my penance. I stopped.

‘Um, Father…? Did you hear everything I said?’

‘Yes, I did.’

‘Don’t you think I should get a bigger penance than that?’

He looked at me with great love and said, ‘No. That small penance is all that I’m asking of you.’ He hesitated, and then continued, ‘But you should know… I will be fasting for you for the next 30 days.’

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“I was stunned. I didn’t know what to do.

He told me that the Catechism teaches that the priest must do penance for all those who come to him for Confession. And here he was, embracing a severe penance for all of my severe sins.

“This is why Confession reveals the priest’s own soul; it reveals his willingness to sacrifice his life with Christ. He sees our sins as a burden that he will take up (with Jesus!) and offer them to the Father, while offering us the mercy of God.

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-Fr Mike Schmitz

“Remember, Confession is always a place of victory.

Whether you have confessed a particular sin for the first time, or if this is the 12,001st time, every Confession is a win for Jesus. And I, a priest, get to be there. That’s what it’s like… I get to sit and watch Jesus win His children back all day.

It’s flippin’ awesome.”

-Fr Mike Schmitz 2015 February | 19

Q: I’m too embarrassed to confess to my parish priest because I don’t want him to think badly of me…

That’s understandable and many catholic’s prefer to go to confession in a different parish, or to use the anonymity of the screened confessional.

It’s important to remember that your parish priest has a very different perspective... Fr Mike has this to say about people who come to confession to him…

“[All] I see is a person who is still trying – a saint in the making. I don’t care if this is the person’s third confession this week; if they are seeking the Sacrament of Reconciliation, it means that they are trying.

That’s all that I care about.

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“This thought is worth considering: going to Confession is a sign that you haven’t given up on Jesus.”

-Fr Mike Schmitz

“This is one of the reasons why pride is so deadly. I have talked with [young] people who tell me that they don’t want to go to Confession to their priest because their priest really likes them and ‘thinks that they are a good kid.’ I have two things to say to this.

1. He will not be disappointed!

What your priest will see is a person who is trying! I dare you to find a saint who didn’t need God’s mercy!

2. So what if the priest is disappointed? We try to be so impressive with so much of our lives.

“Confession is a place where we don’t get to be impressive. Confession is a place where the desire to impress goes to die.”

“Think about it: all other sins have the potential to cause us to race to the confessional, but pride is the one that causes us to hide from the God who could heal us.”

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The difference between ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘forgive me?’

Saying ‘sorry’ is different to asking for ‘forgiveness’. When we say sorry to someone, it is an ‘I-centred’ statement expressing sympathy, but not necessarily inferring that we take any responsibility. As such, it requires nothing from the person to whom we say it. It is always good to say ‘sorry’ but it is nowhere near as hard to do, or as effective, as asking for forgiveness.

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Asking for forgiveness is an act of vulnerability; not only does it put us in a position of accepting responsibility for hurting the other, it is a request to be invited back into unity with the person we have hurt. Full reconciliation can only occur in a relationship when we say sorry and ask for forgiveness. This is the basis of the Sacrament of Reconciliation, but applies equally to any intimate relationship such as with a spouse, a child or family and school/parish community members.

Five Ways to Lead by Example

ONE Practice Repentance.

When you hurt or disappoint your spouse or a family member, accept responsibility, apologise and ask for forgiveness. Your willingness to admit your faults is a powerful role model.

TWO Practice Humility:

Nothing interferes more with our willingness and capacity to seek reconciliation than pride.

Humility is the counter point of pride so seek it in prayer and meditation.

THREE Practice Mercy.

When others are wounded, listen compassionately and help them move towards forgiveness.

FOUR

Practice Forgiveness.

Resist the temptation to hold onto grudges against others who have hurt you. Living under the burden of resentment and unforgiven wounds is like a cancer – it destroys our joy and leads us to act in ways that harm others.

FIVE Practice the Sacrament:

Go to the Sacrament of Reconciliation yourself. If it’s been awhile, remember how the Father of the Prodigal Son waited for his return. Our Father in heaven awaits your return with the same urgency. Not sure what to do? Just let the priest know and he’ll guide you, or you can use our guide on page 21.

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STEP BY STEP: MADE SIMPLE Just as it’s important to be sincere and in the right frame of mind when we apologise to a person whom we’ve offended, so also do we need to be appropriately prepared and sorrowful when we go to the Sacrament of Reconciliation. This is primarily what the Examination of Conscience is about.

Download from our selection of resources.

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Depending on whether you are attending a First or Second Rite of Reconciliation, the following is a general summary of what happens during the Sacrament.

1. Make the Sign of the Cross and tell the priest how long it has been since your last confession.

2.Name your sins - all of them! The priest may talk with you a bit about how you can make amends and avoid falling into sin again.

The priest will also give you some penance appropriate to your circumstances.

3. Make an Act of Contrition a short prayer of sorrow and plea for God’s mercy. You can make up your own or use the following: O My God, I am very sorry that I have sinned against you, because you are so good and with your help I will try not to sin again.

4.Absolution The priest says a prayer granting forgiveness and makes the Sign of the Cross. You say ‘Amen’, leave and do your penance.

Make sure you do your penance and enjoy the grace and lightness of soul!

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IN THE FAMILY 26 | February 2015

As parents, we often end up being the brokers of peace in the household as we get called in to adjudicate arguments and mete out judgement. It has to one of the most unpleasant aspects of being a parent, but it is also one of those precious teachable moments.

All too often, in desperation we force an apology from one and demand acceptance of it from the other, with all of us knowing full well that the issue is far from resolved.

Here’s a framework that can work a whole lot better. Finesse it for yourself first and then you can coach your children.

Stop – Reflect – Connect 1. Stop.

The first step is to stop. When we are upset, we become emotionally flooded and physiologically prepared for flight or fight.

In this state, our capacity for empathy and rational thinking is impaired. The only sensible thing to do is to take a time out and self-soothe.

This might be some deep breathing, taking a walk, having a cup of tea or praying for God’s help. The most important thing is not to brood. You don’t want to give the issue more oxygen keeping yourself in a state of defensiveness.

It takes at least 20 minutes for our body to physiologically recover, so don’t rush this step.

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2. Reflect.

Before coming together, spend some time thinking about your part in the disagreement or upset. Even if you didn’t start the argument, you most likely made it worse by reacting aggressively or unkindly.

This is not a time to prepare a new attack! It’s a time to reach out in humility and sincerity to the other. Use the following as a guide. a. I am sorry for … (Identify what words or actions you used that caused hurt to the other person). b. It was wrong because … (Be specific about how your actions or words harmed the other. Think about how the other may be feeling – can you empathise with them?). c. In the future I will… (What could you do differently in the future to avoid a repeat of this situation? Make this a positive statement of what you will do, rather than a negative statement of what you won’t do). d. Please forgive me. (We can’t make anyone forgive us; we can only ask in sincere humility).

See how a teacher applied this idea in her classroom to great effect...

A Better Way to Say Sorry 28 | February 2015

3. Connect.

Find a good time to talk when both of you can give your full attention. Make sure that your apology has all four elements: an expression of sorrow, empathy, a commitment to change and a request for forgiveness.

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YOUR CHILD FOR THEIR FIRST

1. Talk about it.

In the lead up to their First Reconciliation use your family mealtime to talk about God’s mercy and love. Talk about people you know who are very forgiving and compassionate. Share a time when you needed forgiveness.

2. Prepare yourself.

Forgive someone against whom you hold resentment. Reflect on how your resentment is making you hurt others. Make a decision to let go and forgive.

3. Set an example.

Go to reconciliation yourself, at your child’s reconciliation if possible, or immediately before or after. If you are a non-Catholic parent, and it is offered in your parish, go forward for a blessing from the priest.

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AFTER THE ...

Much like a wedding, your child’s First Reconciliation is the first day of the rest of their faith journey. So how do we continue to nurture, encourage and guide our children until they can take adult responsibility?

Do… • …affirm your child’s worthiness.

Your child needs to know their inherent goodness and their power to love and make loving choices.

• …take him/her to the Sacrament of Reconciliation at regular intervals during the year, especially during Advent and Lent.

• …find some child-friendly movies and books with forgiveness and reconciliation as a theme to watch and read.

• …forge a habit of regular Reconciliation yourself. If you don’t have a regular habit, your kids won’t either.

Don’t...

• … use the Sacrament as a threat or punishment! (eg. “If you do that again, I will send you to Confession!”) Treat the Sacrament with respect, as a special gift to experience God’s mercy and love.

• … guilt-trip your children into going to Reconciliation.

Keep inviting and creating the opportunity and let God do the rest.

• … neglect your own spiritual growth. We cannot lead where we have not been and sometimes we can be more committed to our child’s growth in holiness than we are to our own!

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RESOURCES Examination of Conscience...

Preparing for Reconciliation is a must. A simple five minutes to slow down and reflect is all you need to make this sacrament meaningful and significant. We have a variety of options suitable for all ages to choose from and all come with check boxes you can mark to help you remember if it has been a while!

For Kids

For Adults

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For Young Adults

For Couples

RESOURCES Act of Contrition Cards A business card-sized Act of Contrition card to keep handy in your wallet or purse.

First Reconciliation Prayer Invitations

“RETURN to me, with ALL your HEART...”

Photo here

AND

Please pray for..

Please pray for...

SIN

MORE.

Invite family and friends to pray for your child as they prepare for this sacrament.

Don’t forget your child’s Godparents!

Check out this 5 minute video from Busted Halo. It’s perfect for sharing and is a great refresher for adults and kids too!

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By Francine & Byron Priola

“Most people think that once they marry then they can’t sin sexually. Actually, most people sin more sexually in marriage than they do before it.”

These words of our spiritual director from our early days of marriage weren’t just referring to adultery and contraception, though these are serious and all too common. He was referring primarily to the myriad ways that we can use our sexuality to manipulate, demean, deprive or dominate, sometimes in the subtlest ways.

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Of course, the misuse of our sexuality is not the only way we married couples can fail to live the fullness of God’s vision for our vocation. This excerpt from an Examination of Conscience for Couples by Fr. Thomas Weinandy certainly pricked our conscience and illuminated some areas of shortcoming that we hadn’t considered.

Why not take some time to reflect on this list, and use the StopReflect-Connect for an Apology to address them with your spouse.

Follow it up with the Sacrament of Confession for added spiritual grace in resisting a relapse!

For the full version (there are also sections on our Responsibilities to God, to our Children, and to Society):

Click Here

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RESPONSIBILITIES TO MY SPOUSE: Have I cared for my spouse?

• Have I been generous with my time?

• Have I been affectionate and loving?

• Have I told my spouse that I love him or her?

• Have I been concerned about the spiritual well-being of my spouse?

Have I listened to my spouse?

• Have I paid attention to his or her concerns, worries, and problems?

• Have I sought these out?

Have I allowed resentments and bitterness toward my spouse to take root in my mind?

• Have I nurtured these?

• Have I forgiven my spouse for the wrongs he or she has committed against me?

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• Have I allowed misunderstanding, miscommunication or accidents to cause anger and mistrust?

• Have I nurtured critical and negative thoughts about my spouse?

Have I manipulated my spouse in order to get my own way?

• Have I tried to bully or overpower my spouse?

• Have I spoken sharply or sarcastically to my spouse?

• Have I spoken in a demeaning or negative way?

• Have I injured my spouse through taunting and negative teasing?

• Have I called my spouse harsh names or used language that is not respectful?

• Have I physically abused my spouse?

Have I gossiped about my spouse?

• Have I undermined the authority and dignity of my spouse through disrespect and rebelliousness?

Have I been moody and sullen?

• Have I bickered with my spouse out of stubbornness and selfishness?

• Have I lied or been deceitful to my spouse?

Have I misused sexuality?

• Have I used sexual relations solely for my own selfish pleasure?

• Have I been too demanding in my desire for sexual fulfillment?

• Have I been loving and physically affectionate in my sexual relations or have I used sexual relations in a way that would be demeaning or disrespectful to my spouse?

Have I refused to conceive children out of selfishness or material greed?

• Have I used artificial means of contraception?

• Have I had an abortion or encouraged others to have one?

Have I masturbated?

• Have I flirted or fostered improper relationships with someone else, either in my mind or through words and actions?

• Have I used pornography: books, magazines or movies?

• Have I committed adultery?

Have I misused alcohol or drugs?

Have I been financially irresponsible?

• Have I refused sexual relations out of laziness, revenge or manipulation?

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About the Authors

Byron Pirola is husband to Francine and father of five. Byron is a Management Consultant by day and by night, the co-director the Marriage Resource Centre with Francine and coauthors of the SmartLoving series.

Francine Pirola is the founder of CathFamily and regular contributor and editor. She has been married to Byron for over 25 years and has five children. She is also the author of the My School Diary Series that is used by over 100,000 catholic school students and teachers around Australia every year.

www.SmartLoving.org

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www.LivingWellMedia.com.au

Seminars | Resources | Articles Find out more about Catholic marriage and how you can enjoy deeper intimacy and spiritual connection.

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SEASONAL NOTES

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Lent is well and truly on it’s way! Here are some of our top articles and activities to mark this special season in your family life.

BE INSPIRED

Spiritual Spring-Cleaning

Lent is a wonderful season in the Church calendar – time set aside to renew and prepare ourselves to receive the fullness of life in the resurrection. It’s a time for a bit of a spiritual ‘spring-clean’...

RECPIE

Panzanella

One of the ways we can heighten our appreciation of the food God gives us is to avoid wastage. Here’s an Tuscan favourite for using up stale bread...

FORWARD PLANNING

Resurrection Garden

A great gift alternative to the standard chocolate this little garden is a wonderful symbol of hope and joy for your family’s prayer space or garden. If you want to raise seeds, start at the beginning of Lent, and by Easter, you will have a wonderful little garden established!

All this and more can be found at www.CathFamily.org 42 | February 2015

For Catholics, Sacraments are a big deal. They are major maturing milestones in our faith life, and the centre of our communal life. Check out our previous features on Baptism and First Eucharist. We have lots of practical tips and free printable crafts and prayers to make these special moments meaningful for you and your children.

SACRAMENT ESSENTIALS

Baptism

A Baptism, especially of a new baby, is a wonderful time to welcome a new little one into the family, and to initiate the parents into a new phase of life.

Whether you have kids or not as a Catholic we are responsible for the spritual growth of all our children...

SACRAMENT ESSENTIALS

First Eucharist

The sacrament of the Eucharist is a sacred meal where we break bread and share the one cup that has been transformed into Christ’s body and blood.

It is the paramount sign of our unity with and in Christ. It has been described as the ‘source and summit’ of the Church’s life...

For more ideas and inspiration visit www.CathFamily.org 2015 February | 43