CathFamily March 2015 | Competition & Sibling Rivalry

Mum Likes ME Best!

Turning Sibling Rivalry in to Sibling Revelry

FEATURE ARTICLE

Mum Likes ME Best!

PAGE 4 Dr Greg Popcak

SMARTLOVING

Till Death do we Duel PAGE 16 Francine & Byron Pirola

SEASONAL NOTES

Lent & Holy Week PAGE 22

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2 | March 2015

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From the Editor...

This Month March 2015

Lent has arrived and seemingly too soon! If you’re like most Catholics, you’ll be fasting and abstaining from something for the 40 days.

However, don’t forget to do something positive! Lent is a time for spiritual growth and it is the perfect time to forge a new, positive habit, not just try and defeat negative ones. There is plenty of insipration on CathFamily and we post lots of great stuff from other Catholic bloggers so go and like our page!

Su 1

Lent 2

Tu 3

St Katherine Drexel

We 4 St Casimir Sa 7

Sts Perpetua & Felicity

Su 8

Lent 3 St John of God

Su 15 Lent 4 Tu 17 St Patrick We 18 St Cyril of Jerusalem Th 19 St Joseph, Husband of Mary Su 22 Lent 5 Mo 23 St Turibius of Mogrovejo We 25 The Annunciation of the Lord Su 29 Palm Sunday

This month, we feature Dr Greg Popcak who has offered his insights into dealing effectively and lovingly with sibling rivalry.

We follow that up with a round up some of our best Lent inspiration and forward planning for easter!

A blessed and fruitful Lent to you all!

Kiara Pirola Editor

2015 March | 3

Mum Likes ME Best!

Turning Sibling Rivalry in to Sibling Revelry A Parenting Special from Dr Gregory Popcak

4 | February 2015

2015 March | 5

Karin was at her wit’s end. Her two sons, James (12) and Eric (9) were constantly fighting, bickering and annoying one another. “I don’t understand why they have to be at each other all the time. It’s so exhausting having to referee everything between them. Eric gets mad that he isn’t allowed to do all the same things James is so he picks on James. James is irritated to have his little brother underfoot, but instead of dealing with it in any kind of respectful manner, he just screams at Eric or calls him names. It’s getting to the point I can’t even stand to be in the house with them anymore.”

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All siblings bicker from time to time, but when arguing, fighting, and getting each other in trouble become the defining characteristics of the relationship between brothers and sisters, the situation has moved from merely annoying to seriously problematic.

St John Paul the Great asserted that “the greatest gift parents can give their children is siblings� but unless parents can help their children learn to love and respect each other siblings can become the gift your children perpetually wish they could return.

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More than being upsetting to parents, sibling rivalry can have long-term consequences.

According to Mark Feinberg, research professor in the Prevention Research Center for the Promotion of Human Development, “Negative sibling relationships are strongly linked to aggressive, anti-social and delinquent behaviours, including substance abuse.” By contrast, “positive sibling relationships are linked to all kinds of positive adjustment, including improved peer and romantic relationship quality, academic adjustment and success, and positive well being and mental health.”

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Teaching our kids to get along with one another does much more than just make our day easier.

What NOT to Do...

Parents often become exasperated by sibling rivalry. We get pulled into the drama. Often, sibling rivalry becomes a form of competition where kids get into the habit of creating situations that force parents to choose whom to believe, whom to favor, whose side to take.

Some parents try to avoid getting pulled into these dramas by “letting the kids work things out for themselves� but this can be just as bad as micromanaging. Kids get into these situations but they rarely have the skills to get themselves out.

When parents simply opt out of sibling disputes, their children often draw the conclusion that their parents don’t care about them and that their behaviour is acceptable.

So what to do?

Research shows that there are two strategies that parents can employ to decrease and ultimately even eliminate sibling rivalry.

The first strategy provides a more indirect approach that builds the skills kids need to avoid sibling rivalry while the second strategy gives parents a way to effectively intervene in sibling disputes without taking sides and inadvertently playing favourites.

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SIBLING REVELRY TIP #1: TEAMBUILDING We can call the first approach, “teambuilding.” Brothers and sisters often bicker because they don’t know how to effectively work together to solve problems, achieve goals, or share family resources.

Parents can help resolve this by creating family work rituals; regular, scheduled times when parents and children work side-by-side to complete household tasks or larger projects.

10 | March 2015

Many families take a divide-andconquer approach to household chores. For the most part, this can be an efficient way to get things done, but smart families will also make regular time to learn teamwork by working together.

Simple activities like regularly cleaning up the kitchen together after dinner, straightening the family room together, or working together to get that spare room or closet organised is a great way to learn cooperation, teamwork and how to not step on each other’s toes.

By working on these activities together, mum and dad can both model and actively encourage good teamwork amongst their children. For their part, they learn that they can count on each other for help and take on difficult or less-than-thrilling tasks in a spirit of cooperation and fun if they can approach things with the right attitude.

These kinds of working-together rituals help defeat sibling rivalry by teaching siblings to see each other as teammates instead of competitors. And since mum and dad end up rewarding collaboration over individual efforts, this approach to chores avoids the good-kid-whogets-things-done-versus-the badkid-who-never-does-anything trap.

2015 March | 11

SIBLING REVELRY TIP #2: A PROBLEM-SOLVING PRACTICE The second approach that’s been shown to have a powerful ability to eliminate sibling rivalry is problem-solving practice.

Many sibling disputes tend to devolve into he said/ she said battles where the kids are so engaged in blaming one another that they don’t ever stop to think of what they, themselves, could do differently to effect a change. Here’s how to get around that.

Rather than try to determine who did what to whom and “who started it” assume that both either contributed to the melee OR at the very least, didn’t do something that could have circumvented it. Tell both siblings (or as many are involved) that they are to go to separate corners to cool down. While they are there, it will be their job to identify at least one thing they could have done differently to prevent things from getting out of hand. You are not interested in hearing what the other child did. You are only concerned with what each child, him or herself, could have done to stop things from spinning out of control. They will not be permitted to come out of their space until you have approved their idea.

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Give the children a few minutes to reflect on their behavior, then check on each in turn. At first they will most likely still want to tattle on the other. Tell each child that you are not interested in hearing what the other one did. You are interested in hearing what each, personally, needed to do differently to make the situation go better. Make the child do the majority of the work here. If the child continues to insist on talking about his or her sibling, leave and come back in another 5 minutes and repeat the process as necessary. When the child is ready to reflect on their own behaviour, elicit his or her ideas and help flesh them out a bit until each child has a good sense of what each personally could have done.

Have the children come together. Have each child in turn say something like, “I was really upset when you _______ but instead of doing _______ I should have ________. I’m sorry, and I promise I’ll do that next time instead.” Even if the answer is as simple as “instead of getting mad and calling you names I should have asked mum for help” that will be an improvement.

Once each child has said their piece, congratulate them both on a job well done and get on with your life.

This exercise is tremendously empowering for children because it teaches them that even in those times someone else is 99.9% at fault, there is always something they can do to make things worse or make them better and that their choices really do make a difference. Plus, your children will feel grateful that you helped them solve their own disputes instead of guessing who did what and then either making some suggestion that’s doomed to fail or simply punishing them both for good measure.

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SIBLING REVELRY! It can be a challenge to teach kids to get along, but it is a task worth taking on. The reward is a more peaceful home, and kids who come to see their brothers and sisters as gifts to be cherished for life!

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR Dr. Greg Popcak, the author of Parenting with Grace and Then Comes Baby, conducts counseling for individuals, couples and parents by telephone. He is devoted husband to Lisa and father of three.

Learn more at www.CatholicCounselors.com and check out his blog!

CATHOLIC COUNSELORS FAITH ON THE COUCH

2015 March | 15

Till Death do we Duel

By Francine & Byron Priola

Is your marriage plagued by an unhealthy spirit of competition?

Competition is part of human life and has many benefits for individuals. One of the most obvious is that it encourages us to extend ourselves and develop our abilities.

There’s nothing like a bit of competition to push us past our normal limits.

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2015 March | 17

The dark side of competitiveness is that it can spread beyond one activity and infiltrate the whole relationship, poisoning the friendship and putting us permanently on guard.

In a marriage, such a competitive spirit can be very destructive. Marriage calls us to be generous towards each other, to be on the same team working together for our common goals.

When husband and wife compete against each other, it undermines their togetherness and introduces a score keeping mentality. Instead of operating from the position of gratitude and trust, we end up scanning for weakness, inferiority and deficits in the other.

Common areas where competitiveness can creep into a relationship might be...

• Income: who’s contributing more • Budgeting: who’s spending more • Career: who’s got the most interesting one • Relationships with children: who’s the favourite parent • Housework: who’s doing more • Recreation: who’s getting more Often, the interior drivers of a competitive spirit are opaque to us; we are driven to compete with each other, but we don’t really understand why.

Sometimes patterns learnt in our family of origin can continue to influence us. In many cases, childhood frustrations persist into our adult life, where we subconsciously seek to resolve them through our intimate relationships. For example, a child who competed with a sibling to gain her father’s attention might transfer that need to other paternal substitutes such as her boss, the parish priest or her husband.

So what can couples do if their marriage is plagued by unhealthy competitiveness? Here are three steps to slaying the competitive monster.

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1. DO A DIAGNOSTIC:

a. In what ways are you competitive with your spouse? Be specific about the area and the specific actions or words you use to express your competitive spirit. Eg: I compete with my spouse over recreation time by jumping in first and booking gym classes that are difficult to cancel. b. When you catch yourself being competitive with your spouse, what thoughts are going through your head? Eg if I don’t get in first, I’ll miss out. c. How does it impact on your emotions towards your spouse and theirs towards you?

2. DIVE DEEP INTO YOURSELF:

a. What was your experience of competition in your childhood? Eg sibling rivalry, parental favouritism, bullying, exclusion etc. b. What longings or frustrations do you have as an adult from your childhood experiences?

3. ADOPT A NEW WAY:

a. Share your answers together or with a trusted friend. It can really help to bring healing into these parts of your life by naming the childhood frustrations and praying for healing. b. Choose one competitive area of your marriage and think about a specific counter-competitive gesture you could do. E.g. I will discuss with my spouse before I book my gym classes to determine a mutually convenient time. c. Before playing competitively together (eg a family board game), remind yourself of the higher objectives: to bond together and improve everyone’s skill. Corral your competitive drive to work for your relationships not against them.

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ABOUT THE AUTHORS

Byron Pirola is husband to Francine and father of five. Byron is a Management Consultant by day and by night, the co-director the Marriage Resource Centre with Francine and coauthors of the SmartLoving series.

Francine Pirola is the founder of CathFamily and regular contributor and editor. She has been married to Byron for over 25 years and has five children. She is also the author of the My School Diary Series that is used by over 100,000 catholic school students and teachers around Australia every year.

SMARTLOVING.ORG

20 | March 2015

LIVINGWELL MEDIA

SEMINARS | RESOURCES | ARTICLES Find out more about Catholic marriage and how you can enjoy deeper intimacy and spiritual connection.

22 | March 2015

SEASONAL NOTES

2015 March | 23

Brace yourselves! Lent is here! If you haven’t had time to get your head into the season, it’s never too late to start!

BE INSPIRED

Seasons of Grace

Modern family life is busy. The constant stream of events and activities shuttling kids around, work, parish or community commitments…

Our Church calendar is a great antidote to the constant busyness, punctuating our year with seasons...

BE INSPIRED

Fasting before Feasting

This year, consider fasting not only as a Lenten discipline in preparation for the feast of Easter, but as a time-honoured means of growing closer to God and neighbour…

MAJOR FEAST

The Annunciation

What if Mary had said ‘no’? Would the Archangel Gabriel have tried the maiden next door? Did God have a plan B for saving the world?

All this and more can be found at www.CathFamily.org 24 | March 2015

Lent has started and so Holy Week is not that far away! We have loads of awesome crafts, prayers and family rituals to make this time of year really special and celebrate the mystery of this week.

FAMILY PRAYER

Stations of the Cross

We have a simple, but effective Stations Activity sheet for kids on the left and a simple, candle based prayer reflection that the whole family can do on the right.

FAMILY RITUAL

The Last Supper Meal

This family ritual draws on the rich symbolism of both the Jewish Passover and the Mass of the Lord’s Supper. It may be used during Holy week or any time of the year...

CRAFT

Make a Family Paschal Candle

On Holy Saturday, the Paschal Candle is blessed and lit for the first time. It will be used throughout the Easter season and at Baptisms until next Easter. Why not make your own family paschal candle for your prayer space?

For more ideas and inspiration visit www.CathFamily.org 2015 March | 25