Fatherhood: Dads Matter

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Dads Matter insights from ‘the father factor’ ...108

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DADS MATTER

We all have a father, and almost any man can father a child, but the irreplaceable and unique role of fathers is often little acknowledged.

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Mothers have their own strengths, but with the increase of women participating in paid labour and changing social expectations, fathers today are more likely to be closely involved and emotionally connected with their children than our grandfathers were. There are many reasons why this is good news for children.

Let’s look at why dads matter, with help from the book ‘The Father Factor’ by Peter O’Shea and Robert Falzon.

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Dads help children thrive

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Children do better academically, emotionally and socially when their dad has greater involvement in their lives.

They tend to take more risks, while also developing greater self-discipline.

Involved fathers are also more likely to have a stronger influence on their children’s moral development and religious belief and practice.

The kind of involvement is important too.

The most effective form involves: • Listening, encouraging, conveying warmth • Providing everyday assistance • Providing reasonable and consistent behaviour correction, and • Facilitating children’s increased independence over time

Dads do it differently Dads’ play and type of nurturing provides unique benefits: • Dads’ roughhousing type of play prompts children to develop their gross motor skills • Encouragement of risk-taking in play develops confidence • Greater use of questions in play, using the words ‘what’ or ‘where’ more frequently encourages children’s interaction and develops vocabulary

• Fathers tend to provide firmer discipline, whereas mothers tend to negotiate more. Both are important, with the firmer correction prompting children to achieve goals.

Teenagers and adults need their dad The physical presence of the father is important during adolescence. The absence of fathers is correlated with a higher risk of delinquent behaviour in boys, and a higher risk of the early onset of puberty for girls.

Also, if both girls and boys feel close to their dads while they are growing up, they are more likely to have successful and enduring marriages in later life.

For more information see ‘The Father Factor’ by Peter O’Shea and Robert Falzon. Published by Connor Court.

Father Substitute | Where the dad is absent, the positive findings on fatherly influence still hold so long as the father substitute is a loved and trusted male such as a grandfather, uncle, or step-father.

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• Fathers inculcate a strong physical sense of protection. Children who spend lots of time with their fathers tend to be less vulnerable to sexual assault or abuse

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Robert Falzon is married to Alicia and together they have four children. He is a co-founder of menALIVE a Catholic movement for men. Robert is also the co-author with Peter O’Shea of The Father Factor, published in 2014 by Connor Court Publishing.

My Father My parents raised their children in a difficult environment and economy. They were well-intentioned and tried hard, but with five children to care for, there always seemed to be too many bills, and too little money or time for quality relationships.

Like many other families of the time, Mum served in the home and carried out most of the child-raising duties. Dad was the boss. He provided the discipline (which was sometimes harsh and physical), and worked two jobs in the early part of my life just to provide for the family. As I remember it in those early years, Dad was rarely home and when he was at home he was exhausted and emotionally absent.

The lack of a strong father-son relationship left me as a young adult with many unanswered questions, confusion about who I was and what it was to be a man.

I now understand that I was searching and longing for affirmation, validation, modelling and instruction. It didn’t come, and I was left incomplete and strangely ashamed.

Cont...

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Now, I do not blame my father, John, for this. He did the best he could, given the times and his circumstances. His own upbringing left him significantly impaired and unfinished as a man. His father was a cook in the merchant navy and was away most of Dad’s life, coming home only for a few weeks a year. My one recollection of him is from a one-off meeting. He was sitting at the Laminex table in the small kitchen of his very part-time home, rolling his own cigarettes for that evening. I cannot remember what he said, if anything. I don’t recall my Dad saying anything either. The only thing communicated in the silence was distance.

Life, grace and circumstances provided new opportunities for real relationship in Dad’s later years. I was in my late 30s when we each sought each other out, became reconciled and built a warm and meaningful relationship. He made efforts to reveal his heart and mind. I made efforts to listen, learn and love.

Eventually, he said the words that I needed to hear: “I love you Robbie”, and, “I am so proud of you, my son”. These were necessary, irreplaceable, delicious words that became flesh, which became a man ... me.

The birth of my first child, a son, on the morning of Good Friday in 1987 was a profound moment in my life.

“My son, you’re a dad! Congratulations, Robert.” My father’s words felt like a blessing over me. In that instant I was changed. I became a father. I had arrived too!

My dad died in June, 2010. I am one of the fortunate ones to have been able to find resolution in my relationship with my Dad in my lifetime and subsequently be transformed in the process.

The experience of longing for my father, of needing a primary male figure in my life in my first 20 or more years and the pain of not receiving it in my early years has been one of my greatest personal struggles. My early deep needs for approval, validation, boundaries and initiation into manhood were not properly met until I was well into adulthood.

Some writers call this experience Father Hunger or the Father Wound.

There is an ancient saying which suggests that, “What is not resolved is repeated”.

Fr Richard Rohr has stated something very similar, “If the pain of your story is not transformed it will be transmitted”. I found this to be true in my case. It took effort on my part not to fall into the same, wounding, pattern of over-working and emotional absence when it came to fathering my own four children.

One thing that has helped me the most is setting time aside for quiet and stillness every morning. A time to talk simply and honestly with God, who is Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and allow God to guide and instruct me.

I began with 10 minutes of dedicated prayer time each day, but that’s become about one hour. This has helped me make the necessary personal and spiritual changes a journey, rather than a shallow one-shot event. F

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I think of these times with sadness and lost opportunities. My Dad and I were strangers. I wanted and needed so much from him. He held and contained something for me (and I for him) that no one else could give

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Our fathers, being human, were not perfect.

Some were deeply flawed and hurtful.

A message from God to you My child, You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1 I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2 From a Christian perspective, there is a deeper reason why the Father Wound has such an impact – we are hardwired to know and need the perfect, unconditional and completely self-giving love of God. Jesus taught us that God is also our Father. It makes sense that in this life we will feel unfulfilled by our relationship with our earthly fathers, who represent but can never take the place of, our Father in heaven.

If our earthly father has hurt us, we can find it hard to trust any authority figure, especially God our Father. Religious faith can be hard to sustain or seem irrelevant.

The Father Wound can begin to heal when we look to God the Father for the fulfillment of our longings.

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31 I chose you when I planned creation.

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It is my desire to lavish my love on you, simply because you are my child and I am your father. 1 John 3:1 I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11 For I am the perfect father. Matthew 5:48 My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11 For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5

If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29 When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18 I have always been Father, and will always be Father. Ephesians 3:14-15 My question is… Will you be my child? I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32

From your Dad, God For more see www.fathersloveletter.com

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Our Father’s Love Letter

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ONE MINUTE CATHOLIC

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Good Morning Dad! Start the day with a ‘Hi’ to the Big Guy. The Big Guy is also our Father in heaven. On our baptism day we became the beloved son or daughter of our Creator and Heavenly Father.

Jesus called God the Father ‘Abba’, an affectionate Aramaic name, much like Daddy or Papa. Do you feel this close to your Father in Heaven? Or are you on more formal, reserved terms?

Try praying to our Father with an affectionate name that is most natural for you. Let his fatherly affection draw you into his embrace.