Parenting: Seeking Happiness

PARENTING

Seeking Happiness

HaPPY KIDS, HAPPY FAMILY ... 18

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Happiness

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What do you most want for your children?

When asked this question, most parents answer something along the lines of:

“I just want them to be happy.”

Every parent should want their kids to be happy but what do we mean by the word ‘happy’?

Is this the highest goal or is there something more we should desire for our children from which happiness will emerge?

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Is Happiness enough?

Research in the positive psychology field has brought science to the art of happiness. One of the key findings is that what we think of as ‘happiness’ encompasses three distinct experiences.

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Hedonistic

Engaged

Meaningful

is the kind of relief we get from having a desire satisfied, like eating when we are hungry (a desire) fills our stomach (relief).

Relief of this kind of desire is temporary – eventually the desire returns, sometimes even stronger than it was before.

is sometimes called ‘flow’.

It’s the experience of being fully absorbed in a task. It is usually associated with a sense of losing track of time and the intense satisfaction that comes with accomplishment.

is the experience of meaning and fulfilment that comes from being of service to others, of loving and belonging. It takes longer to establish but once acquired, it is a more sustained emotion that persists beyond the activity itself as it engenders personal development and growth.

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On the other hand, those who pursue meaningful happiness through relationships of service and belonging

typically enjoy long lasting joy.

This really isn’t news. The Greek philosopher Aristotle was writing over 2000 years ago about ‘The Good Life’. He recognised that the most reliable way to lead a fulfilling life was to develop virtues – spiritual strengths like courage, honesty, wisdom, compassion, work ethic and so on. Christians and Jews will also recognise in the happiness research many of the principles of moral living that are central to those religions. In fact, Catholic culture is founded on the idea of meaningful happiness and is a great place to access practical applications of this science.

“We tend to parent in negatives – we don’t want our kids to ‘miss out’, don’t want them to experience boredom, frustration, embarrasmeent or peer inferiority. So we give them whatever they want. Anything to stop the whining! Fear-driven parenting like this trains children to be consumers and dependent on others and on things for happiness. Ultimately it disadvantages them in life.” Francine Pirola Blipp for the science of happiness or for more on visit FRANKLYmag.org

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People who focus exclusively on the first of these dimensions, hedonistic happiness, tend to report lower overall life satisfaction.

The self-centred pursuit of desire gratification doesn’t make for enduring fulfilment. Hedonistic happiness tends to be the kind of happiness experience that dominates parenting decisions in our modern era as it has a rapid effect. When a child is complaining or feels bored or hungry, our instinct is to satisfy it – and quickly!

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Making happier

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Let’s ask the question again: Is happiness the highest ambition we should have for our kids?

Looking at the science, the answer is that it depends on what kind of happiness we are talking about. Here are three factors that improve our kids’ meaningful, lasting happiness.

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Slowing down

Power memories

“Hurry is the enemy of love” says

Families need extraordinary moments as well and family traditions are great for providing these. They create shared memories which strengthen family bonds, connect the generations, and pass on a sense of identity and cultural and religious heritage. Traditions can bring a bit of magic and fun to life. And they provide comfort, security, and healing from loss and trauma.

psychologist Steve Biddulph. The author of Raising Boys, Raising Girls and Manhood strongly disagrees with the idea that ‘quality’ time matters most in raising kids to be confident and happy.

What they need is lots of time with us. This is true for younger teenagers as well as children.

One-on-one time especially improves relationships.

It can be tempting to focus on spending the big bucks on creating the grand memories from special holidays or birthday parties, and forget that active involvement on a daily basis, doing regular things, is what builds the bonds between parents and their children over time.

The author urges families to do whatever we can to slow life down so we can spend more time with each other on a daily basis.

“Our family traditions form part of our family culture,” says Dr Justin Coulson, author of 21 Days to a Happier Family.

“At the heart of every family tradition is a meaningful experience that has the potential to increase our well-being.

“They also help us feel happier as we look back and reflect on the tradition.

Psychologists call this process ‘savouring’ and it is strongly linked to happiness.”

Blipp for more on Dr Justin’s online parenting course at thestickkit.co or visit FRANKLYmag.org

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Smart habits

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Dr Andy Mullins, author of Parenting for Character, writes that happiness is found in effective habits of thinking, choosing and acting, with a consistent ‘loving intention’ and that our children won’t discover this by chance. These effective habits are the virtues. Habits of hard work, integrity, gratitude, humility, a positive attitude and self-control are virtues which have been linked to human happiness.

Children who are encouraged to develop these virtues develop greater resilience, and gain “attractive, big-hearted happiness”.

His insight is backed up by research, including a 40-year and still ongoing study in New Zealand which linked self-control in children as young as three years old to better health, finances, and relationship to the law as adults.

Blipp to watch Dr Mullins talk on parenting for happiness, to read more on the Dunedin Multidisciplinary Health and Development Study, or visit FRANKLYmag.org

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When parents think of ‘discipline’ they are usually thinking in terms of ‘punishment’. But another definition is ‘instruction’. Dr Justin Coulson points out that the meaning of discipline has shifted over time. It comes from the Latin ‘disciplina’ meaning ‘teaching’, and ‘discipulus’ meaning ‘pupil.’

“When we ‘discipline’ our children, we guide, teach and instruct them to be our pupils, students or followers.

Our aim is not to punish. It is to teach them good ways to act.”

He says the most effective discipline happens when there is a foundation of trust, emotional availability, and a willingness to be truly in the moment when we are interacting with our children.

“We have to get our relationship right before we can discipline, or teach, our children. When we get our relationships right, and respond to our children in ways that teach, we find that traditional ‘discipline’ (in other words, punishment) is required far less.” That’s got to make everyone happier!

Biblical fact point It’s not surprising, that ‘discipline’ and ‘disciple’ share common roots. Jesus called disciples the people he chose to teach about God’s plan for life and love.

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Discipline with l ve

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One of the joys of family life is celebrating old traditions and creating new ones.

We don’t have to look far to find them, nor continually re-invent the wheel. Our Catholic traditions and practices are a rich resource for families wanting to build or improve on their meaningful happiness.

This is our pick of some of the best family traditions for bringing us closer to each other and to God.

Name that baby

Blipp for more tips for Catholic families or visit www.CathFamily.org

Take a breather

Pope Francis wrote of the special privilege God gives to parents to name their child by which he or she ‘will be known for all eternity’. Choosing a Christian name for our children cements both their uniqueness and belonging in the Catholic community, giving them a sense of belonging and culture.

Placing Sunday Mass (or the Saturday vigil) as an anchor point in our hectic week lets us pause and take an existential breather before plunging into the next one.

It’s a time to remember and give thanks for all our blessings. It’s also a space where we can be nourished spiritually

by Jesus and the community.

Everybody loves Christmas!

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The bigger feast days like Christmas and Easter, and celebrations such as weddings and baptisms inject real joy into our lives and opportunities to build life-long happy memories. Even funerals are often deeply special times to honour the best and dearest memories of loved ones.

Tell stories Our family’s best stories are invaluable for meaningful happiness, and so are the stories of our wider Christian family – the Gospels, Jesus’ parables, and all the tales of ancient to modern day saints and heroes. Whether we bond over a wise and articulate pastor or the funniest comedian in our family, stories have the power to unite us.

Get together It’s often said that it ‘takes a village to raise a child’. Parish communites are a great resource for families in providing ready-made support networks for building a village.

There are social studies which show that kids raised in faith communities tend to have better relationships with their family and improved social and emotional outcomes.

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ONE MINUTE CATHOLIC

modern prayer

Alert

We don’t have many church bells ringing out in our urban environments, but we do have plenty of sirens. Whether they come from the police, fire and rescue services, or an ambulance, the sound of an oncoming siren sharpens our attention to the fragility of life.

When a siren wakes us to the present, say a short prayer for the safety of the first responders and those they are assisting.

If ever you are in the situation of waiting for emergency help, won’t it be nice to know that others are praying for you?

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