Mary’s Mission: When She Gives Away Her Power

Mary Arcement Alexander Licensed Professional Counselor & Diocesan Victim Assistance Coordinator

Pro-Life, Pro Safety: October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

“You did not have the ability to stop what was done to you, but you have the power to choose how to overcome.” -Unknown

WHEN YOU THINK about the right to life, do you ever think about victims of domestic violence? I will take a wild guess and say no, you probably have not. Truthfully, neither have I. Until now, that is. I, like most people, tend to think about abortion or perhaps even capital punishment in terms of right to life. When it comes to domestic violence, too often, too many fault the victim along with the abuser. There are those who may say, “She chose him,” or “Why doesn’t she just leave?” Others may even go so far as to say, “Well, she made her bed, now she has to lie in it.” No matter what, the truth of it all is when a woman allows a man to abuse her (giving away her power), she does so with the mentality that her life does not matter. Allow me to explain.

Abuse does not happen overnight. It begins with slow and insidious thoughts and behaviors that grow over time. Those thoughts and behaviors may happen “innocently,” meaning the boyfriend or husband will present his control as his concern for her wellbeing. He slowly drives a wedge between her, her family, and friends. He presents it all in a way that sounds like he just loves her so much and wants the absolute best for her. It may also look like a slow progression of removing all of her possessions such as a house or car all in the name of helping her to save money or live better. Perhaps he makes more money so therefore she can drive his car, which is paid for and much nicer than hers is. He will purchase a home and not put her name on the mortgage, not because he cannot but rather because his credit score is higher or she does not have to worry about being responsible if anything were to happen to the house. Bottom line is this: as time moves on, she slowly begins to lose more and more of her independence until one day she wakes up and realizes she has nothing and no one.

When this occurs, there is no way she can “just leave,” at least that is what she believes. At this time, I want to breakdown a few possible warning signs:

• Concerns or outright dislikes regarding certain friend(s) • Discourages time with your family • Instigates issues between you and your family • Insults you all under the guise of concern or love •Makes most of the decisions •Admits to zero blame or responsibility for any wrong doings in the relationship •Typically displays an over reactive temper

I want to pause here and acknowledge the fact that not all abusers are men and not all victims are women. Here are just a few statistics from www.domesticviolenceresearch.org: 80% of individuals have perpetrated emotional abuse, emotional abuse categorized as either expressive (in response to a provocation) or coercive (intended to monitor, control and/ or threaten), and across studies, 40% of women and 32% of men reported expressive abuse; 41% of women and 43% of men reported coercive abuse. One reason domestic violence is primarily focused on women is because women are abused more often than men are. Men typically will not report abuse because of the immense guilt, shame and weakness they feel. As mentioned earlier, a woman allows a man to abuse her by giving him too much of her power which results from her believing her life does not matter. Her feelings of her life not mattering can stem from early childhood trauma, growing up with an abusive father, growing up with a controlling mother, as well as a multitude of other situations. I discovered during my early days of counseling that ultimately women do have a great deal of power. The problem arises when either they give it all away or they abuse it. When a man and woman meet and realize they want to date, the woman tells the man how to treat her by what she initially allows him to do beginning from day one. For example, if he tends to be more of a decision maker such as where to eat dinner and she rarely gives her input and simply goes along with his suggestions, she has set the stage for not having an opinion. This starts off small because maybe she does not care where they eat, but as the relationship progresses, the small decisions like meals turn into bigger decisions like where to live, how many children to have, how much money to spend, etc. This concept translates into actual abuse whether it be verbal, emotional, mental, physical and/or sexual. The first time he calls her stupid, withholds affection, twist her words around, grabs her wrist or guilts her into having sex, all resulting in no significant consequence

POSSIBLE WARNING SIGNS OF ABUSE

• Concerns or outright dislikes regarding certain friend(s) • Discourages time with your family • Instigates issues between you and your family • Insults you all under the guise of concern or love • Makes most of the decisions • Admits to zero blame or responsibility for any wrong doings in the relationship • Typically displays an over reactive temper (For more information, please visit www.psychologytoday.com).

for him, breeds the abuse. On the other side, if a woman chooses to abuse her power that is when she turns into the perpetrator.

Brothers and sisters, God created Adam and Eve because He loves to create life. He created all life from the smallest annoying gnat all the way up to us. Your life matters because of Him. You matter because of Him. What you think, feel and do matters because it matters to Him. He wants to know about your life, even the small, boring parts of it. If you are allowing any person in your life to have power over you, I strongly encourage you to seek help immediately. Allowing someone to abuse you is a huge offense to God. He created you out of love, to love and for love.