Get Married or Live Together Leaflet

What does marriage offer that living together doesn’t?

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arriage is about the ‘equality and mutuality’ of a couple making an honest and open choice to be there for each other, no matter what happens; and to marry not just for themselves but for the children they hope to have together.

Solid and lasting foundations

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n order to be truly happy, we need someone who is always there for us, no matter what we have done or what difficulties we may face. That is why parents and children are so special: they are fundamentally committed in relationships for life. Without them we fail to thrive as human persons. Marriage is about giving those relationships a proper chance, a real foundation.

Marriage offers a permanent companion with whom to share the good times but also the bad times. Whether you are rich or poor, sick or healthy, you have someone who will always be there for you.

Children deserve as much and adults need as much.

Learning to love, and relying on God However, we are not meant to try and achieve all this out of our own abilities. Now is the time to begin to build our relationships with the help (‘grace’) of Jesus Christ. Faith in Him calls us to a new dimension of living, one which calls us beyond the mundane and the minimal, to a life that offers the very best. Marriage is about a love worthy of the name, a love which makes life truly worth living. Christian marriage is about a happiness that will endure.

For More Information Catechism of the Catholic Church: paras 1601ff, 1615,1662 and 2360ff. http://www.vatican.va/roman_curia/pontifical_ councils/family/documents/rc_pc_family_ doc_20001109_de-facto-unions_en.html

Get married or live together?

http://www.usccb.org/issues-and-action/marriage-andfamily/marriage/marriage-preparation/cohabiting.cfm

Key Books to Read Family, Marriage and “de facto” unions, Pontifical Council for the Family, 2000.

Marriage Preparation and Cohabiting Couples, US Conference of Catholic Bishops, 1999.

The Family’s Mission to Love, CTS (PA10) Fit for Mission? Marriage Preparation Course, CTS Marrying a non-Catholic, CTS (LF 23) Passing on Faith to your Children, CTS (PA6) Prayer Book for Spouses, CTS (D714) Prayer in the Family, CTS (PA5) The Role of a Christian Father, CTS (PA11) The Role of a Christian Mother, CTS (PA12) Work and the Christian Family, CTS (PA14)

Visit: www.CTSbooks.org A wide range of inexpensive publications is available from CTS to help nurture your faith and keep you informed about a wide range of issues. If you would like to receive further information please contact us: CTS, 40-46 Harleyford Road, London SE11 5AY Or visit www.CTSbooks.org Tel: 020 7640 0042 Fax: 020 7640 0046

ISBN 978 1 86082 319 0

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Helping you think things through

All rights reserved. © 2005 Incorporated Catholic Truth Society. Cover Image © Cameron/ CORBIS, © Roy McMahon/CORBIS, © Randy Faris/Corbis, © Royalty-Free/Corbis.

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Lots of questions

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ost people, above all those who are thinking about getting married, worry about marriages falling apart. Is this the right person?

Will the marriage last? Can I spend the whole of my life with him? What if she turns out to be different, once the ring is on her finger? Questions such as these make the idea of a ‘trial run’ seem attractive, even sensible. For those who have experienced divorce in their family the imperative for living together can be even stronger.

Taking a very big step

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ost people want to make sure marriage is really going to work, and want it to be for life. They see living together as a way of making sure they don’t make a mistake. Given that the Church is so strongly in favour of marriage being for life, why doesn’t she endorse these sentiments and suggest that people live together first?

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Let’s look at the facts

Thinking it through more carefully

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n truth, living together beforehand doesn’t make marriages last longer. What evidence there is suggests that it actually makes things worse. Studies in the United States indicate that people who live together first are twice as likely to divorce, while some British studies suggest that they increase the chances of divorce by about 10%. One British study says that it makes no difference. Why? Living together presupposes that if things don’t work out, the couple can easily go their separate ways, as many do.

Up to nine times more people separate while living together than get divorced after marriage. And such break-ups can be devastating. Separating assets such as possessions and property can be as complicated as in a divorce.

The emotional trauma of breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend is often painful; and much more painful when it means the loss of home and shared possessions. Such experiences make a successful marriage later on even more difficult.

eople choose to live together for various reasons. Some couples simply drift into cohabitation; for others, circumstances conspire to make living together an easier option than staying apart.

What began as staying one night because it got late, becomes a regular thing which eventually becomes a permanent arrangement.

Others, already planning to get married, buy a house together, then find that pooling their funds becomes a financial necessity.

Facing up to our fears In some cases one partner may want very much to be married, while the other is nervous about the idea, and keeps putting off a decision. In other cases, people bring a lot of emotional baggage from their parents’ break-ups and don’t want to go through the same thing themselves. Living together can seem a less threatening option, a means of

finding human intimacy without having to face deep-rooted fears and anxieties and responsibilities.

Yet only when such fears are addressed can we move on to build sound, mature, life-giving relationships of our own. If we don’t address these fears, they have a habit of weaving themselves into our new relationships, causing havoc and heartache. Building a marriage upon such a start is much more complicated and demanding than beginning with a clear and free choice, with proper preparation and with the support of God’s grace to heal and renew us.

Some hard truths iving together is fundamentally a relationship based on mutual convenience, which lasts only as long as the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Is such a relationship really going to enable us to grow and develop into happy and healthy human beings? Can such a situation enable us to become the people God wants us to be? Can it challenge and transform our selfishness and selfcentredness?

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