Tuesday, April 1, 2014

“ Tuesday, April 1, 2014

” Vol. 124, Too many issues to count

Student self-governance laid to rest Student leaders try to make good showing for dead, ancient hero, Deans, student leaders eliminate governance’s last vestiges Moshe Goldberg Lowly Peon

Students gathered under the watchful eye of administrators Monday to lay student self-governance to rest. Vice President Pat Lampkin watched the ceremony from afar while Dean of Students Allen Groves worked to placate upset participants.

“I want to thank your generic community for a perfectly standard investment in U.Va.,” Groves said to each passing student. “I remember a story from my days in

Law School here. […] Thanks for listening,” he added, high-fiving everyone.

Forming the line to walk past the casket was fairly easy for the upwards of 30 people in attendance. University Judiciary Committee and Student Council members took their uncontested positions in order. There was some scrambling among members of the Honor Committee, but officials from Phi Delta Theta sorted things out.

Incoming Student Council President Jalen Ross, a third-year Engineering student, gave the life-

less corpse’s hand a hearty shake.

“We’ll remember you, man,” Ross said. “You helped out with the food pantry, didn’t you?

Thanks for that.”

Incoming UJC Chair Tim Kimble, a third-year College student, had not yet formulated his opinions on the death of student self-governance.

“Our Committee is going to have to meet about that and get back to you with details,” Kimble said to the hollowed-out eyes of the once-great University tradition.

Cavalier Daily Editor-in-Chief

Rebecca Lim, a third-year College student, said the funeral needed more innovation, mostly for the sake of creating some, and spoke about her personal relationship with student self-governance.

"Pontifications about student self-governance made about up at least 30 percent of our filler quotes," Lim said. "It's certainly going to leave a big hole in our hearts and our pages. Thankfully, our staff is willing to embrace the artistic value of white space."

Outgoing Honor Chair Evan Behrle joined incoming Honor Chair and doppelgänger Nick

Hine to discuss the real essence of self-governance.

“Student self-governance was always an important — nay, a necessary — part of our rhetoric,” said College students Behrle and Hine in unison. “We haven’t been doing a good job on diversity, or athlete spotlighting, or community outreach, or improving voter apathy.

I'm not sure how we're going to tackle that little 'h' honor thing without student self-governance."

Outgoing UJC Chair David

see SELFISHNESS, page 2

Paper shamelessly courts online readers “See srat girls doin’ it” “Top 10 List: Best pics of frat boys doing nothing” “Can we have your money? Please.” ... “Pretty please?”

The Cavalier Daily's managing board announced a campaign to shamelessly go after readers on Tuesday morning. Managing Editor Andrew Elliott, a third-year College student, helped to lead the charge.

“I only care about the online page views now,” Elliott said.

“They’re actually tangible. You can’t tell whether people read a story in print.”

Elliott said articles about former sex slaves who came to speak one time at the University more than a year ago and columns about the men’s basketball team better re-

flected the interests of the paper’s college-educated readers.

“Nobody reads 600-word articles about Medicaid expansion,” Elliott said while watching a YouTube video of a cat with more than two million page views. “Why can’t we cover this stuff?”

Executive Editor Katherine Ripley, a third-year College student, said other managing board members told her columnists to be exceptionally controversial and infuriating.

“The less sound the argument, the better, they kept telling them,” Ripley said. “Ben Rudgely’s column about women’s studies was perfect, I guess. It didn’t really add to any meaningful policy debate and had

no effect on anything, but it sure did get people excited.”

Chief Financial Officer Peter Simonsen, a third-year Engineering student, said the paper needed to add more buzzwords to its headlines, so as to improve its search results on Google.

“What if we just made every story ‘see video of drunk srat girl falling on her face’ or ‘U.Va. students do it in the shower?’” Simonsen said. “Those would get so many pageviews.”

Simonsen said the paper had no obligation to meaningfully add to

Source double-books Chapel wedding

‘That Prick’ named new Football coach

Football leaves ACC

Moshe Goldberg Most Boring Reporter

PAGE 2

PAGE 4

Kelsey Grammer | The Cavalier Daily

see SHAMELESS, page 3

PAGE 4

Cavalier Daily editors joined a resident bearded homeless man to discuss the paper’s new shameless social media and online strategy. Editors realized only their grandparents actually read the paper.

5 Life hacks that’ll save you time and money PAGE 8

Love Connection: Double Swipe Dean takes T-Sully to O’Hill PAGE 10

N news

City-state Playa Gentle Ruler

After weeks of hazing, grueling working conditions and general abuse, a new leader in the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity pledge class has emerged to bring an end to the struggle against the older fraternity members.

The pledge, first-year College student Mo Sussman, was originally believed to have dropped out of pledging after he disappeared for several days earlier in March, but he has returned to help his fellow pledges.

“Let my people go,” Sussman said upon his return.

The older PIKA brothers initially scoffed at Sussman’s demands, but became nervous when he threw his snapback to the ground and it morphed into a serpent. Sussman

The Cavalier Daily

Pika slave (pledge) rises to lead

Sussman seeks Groves’ assistance, offers numerous complaints through official channels, Dean smites harsh bros added that he had been in communication with Dean of Students Allen Groves, who made a covenant with Sussman to help end the hazing against PIKA pledges once and for all.

“Who is this Dean Groves, and why should I listen to what he has to say?” asked PIKA president Michael Haines, a third-year College student.

“I know not this Dean Groves, neither will I stop hazing my pledges.”

But just days later, PIKA leadership was informed that a formal complaint had been filed against the fraternity and that an investigation would begin. Soon after that, the Office of the Dean of Students demanded PIKA initiate all new members immediately. PIKA was also banned from hosting social events in its house.

“I am that I am,” Groves said when asked for comment on the sanctions.

Despite Grove’s actions, PIKA refused to stop hazing pledges, even worsening the experience for the new members.

“Your dean does not intimidate me,” Haines said to Sussman at the time.

Sussman remained calm and started to garner more support from the other new members. Sussman asked Haines again to end the hazing, suggesting things would only get worse.

In days following, Groves suspended PIKA’s Fraternal Organization Agreement, ending all fraternity activities while investigation proceeded. PIKA nationals were also informed of the investigation and threatened to limit the fraternity’s funding for the future if it did not comply.

“I am your Dean of Students, and I will bring you out from under the burdens of the Pi Kappa Alpha brotherhood,” Groves said to the pledges.

“And I will rid you out of their bondage, and I will redeem you with a stretched out arm, and with great judgments. And I will take you to me for a people, and I will be to you a Dean: and ye shall know that I am the Dean for your people, which bringeth you out from under the burdens of

Source re-books wedding

Maury 209 ceremony saddens bride-to-be, University alumna Sarah Johnston The Source has come under fire in recent years for its lengthy ninestep reservation process, developed together by early hominids and the Just hours before she was to be organizers of healthcare.gov. Last walked down the aisle, Sarah JohnOctober, a small group of students ston reportedly found herself with a staged a protest in front of Universi“less-than-ideal” wedding venue afty President Teresa Sullivan’s house ter the Source reassigned her from on Carr’s Hill after the Source reasthe Chapel to Maury 209. signed their information session to “I used the system of Univer“the dumpster outside Newcomb.” sity reservations to reAfter negotiations with quest the Chapel back in the Source yielded Ern April of 2007,” Johnston Commons as the only other said. “Now, they’re telling option, the students called me I can’t even have the for a meeting with Sullivan.

Newcomb Kaleidoscope They were ultimately denied room.” access, and subsequently deJohnston said Maury cided they “had better stick 209 was not the best space with the dumpster.” to be bound in holy matThough expressing gratirimony to fellow College tude she didn’t wind up with graduate Ryan Young, Ern “literally the worst” who she intends to spend Commons, Johnston said the rest of her life with afshe is still frustrated with the ter taking the first step at University system. a symbolic and tradition“Is this really the best a steeped ceremony. top-ranked University can Marshall Bronfine | The Cavalier Daily “Call me crazy, but I do?” she said, fixing her veil always imagined I would Poor, poor Sarah Johnston had to book her wedding through the in the hall next to a group actually have an aisle to Source. Instead of getting the Chapel, above, she got Maury 209. of ROTC students waiting walk down at my wedin line to use the single-stall ding,” said Johnston, who to Sarah and Ryan’s event, but I’m bathroom. “I know this is only the is trying to be flexible but is still a little worried I won’t be able to most important day of my life, but I pretty bummed her 85-year-old make it now,” said Morgan, who is just expected more.” father can no longer give her away authorized by God and the Church At press time, Johnston was because the building is not handi- to perform the sacred rituals of reli- arguing with a group of three stucap-accessible. gion and has chapter all the way up dents holding a papaya claiming A look at the Source indicated Rugby until seven. “I’ll try to book they had reserved Maury 209 for a the Chapel will now host the Honor it over there, but I just don’t know.”

Micronesia Day celebration.

Angela Merkel

Closet Wedding Enthusiast

2

Roundtable, an annual event put on by the Majority Rights Coalition and Phi Delta Theta fraternity.

Anxiety about the switch, meanwhile, has not been confined to the betrothed, with Thomas Morgan — the couple’s priest picked to lead the ceremony — also expressing concerns about the lastminute change in location.

“I’ve always been planning to go

Louise Manahl | The Cavalier Daily

First-year pledge Mo Sussman rose from among his pledges to take down the Pika brothers through formal complaint channels, sources from inside the fraternity reported Monday-ish.

the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity.”

At this point, Sussman gave one final opportunity for Haines to end the hazing.

“Thus saith Dean Groves, at about midnight I will go out into the midst of your fraternity, and Pi Kappa Alpha shall lose its charter,” he said. “And there shall be a great cry throughout

all of Pi Kappa Alpha, such as there was none like it, nor shall be like it any more.”

Haines refused to give into Sussman's and Grove’s demand, and this past weekend, PIKA lost its charter.

The pledges left the fraternity, but are expected to have trouble navigating the wilderness that is fall dirty rush.

SELFISHNESS Old hero dies long, painful death Continued from page 1 Ensey questioned whether the University’s heavy-handed policies in fraternity life, student government appropriations and Residence Life, along with blatantly ignoring student concerns about the Living Wage and removal of the Rotunda’s magnolia trees, had negatively affected student self-governance’s health. Ensey was last seen having a conversation with Lampkin at the edge of a short pier and The Cavalier Daily could not confirm his whereabouts.

Andy Petters, assistant dean for Residence Life, said he had worked tirelessly to keep student self-governance alive.

“We always work to empower [Resident Advisors],” Petters said.

“Unless they are running a program, because the requirements make sense. Or if they’re addressing an incident, because we really need professional involvement when it comes to incidents. And don’t get me started on Band-Aids, because we just cannot trust our RAs with Band-Aids.”

Members of the Minority Rights Coalition were not present at the event.

Faculty Senate Chair Dr. Christopher Holstege represented the faculty, asking the librarians to represent themselves separately.

“As mostly Ph.D. academics who have not spent time outside a university since high school, we were never really sure what to do with student self-governance when it was alive, but we will certainly miss it in its absence," Holstege said. "I've only been at this job for one year, so I never really got to meet student self-governance while it was alive and healthy, but I hope it's in a better place — maybe Williamsburg, or something."

Holstege, who also serves as the director of Student Health, head of poison control and the head of every department on Grounds, said student self governance had died a long and painful death.

“First, people slowly lost faith in the honor system,” Holstege said.

“Then people stopped caring about diversity, and then students just stopped running for office. That and a recent mumps outbreak about did it.”

University Police Chief Michael Gibson said the police are still investigating the exact cause of the death.

"The suspect is described as a black male being 6 feet in height, heavy build, with dark clothing," Gibson wrote in an email. "Anyone with information about this case is asked to call me at 703-912-1725."

Gibson said he would email the student body with updates Wednesday after he completed the next bomb threat drill at Carruthers Hall.

NEWS

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

3

Honor Committee revisits racial spotlighting issue Lawn Residents to increase white student light brightness, dim minority student shining to limit injury, insult

Pita Bread

Debtor Prison Member-in-Waiting

In a resolution Tuesday, the Honor Committee renewed its commitment to end the discriminatory practice of minority spotlighting, in which minority and international students are blasted with floodlights at a much higher rate than white students while streaking the Lawn.

“Though there is no evidence that minority and international students streak the Lawn more than white students, a disproportionate percentage of them are spotlighted during their streaking careers,” said Honor Chair Nick Hine, a third-year

white College student.

Hine said excessive spotlighting has adversely affected minority student life at the University. Students who are blinded by gigantic halogen bulbs as they sprint naked down the Lawn can trip and fall so severely they are forced to leave the University.

“There is also a clear economic disparity involved with spotlighting,” Hine said. “Few students can handle the medical expenses of face-planting into a brick walkway, and even fewer can afford the high-powered, wide angle lights that these avid spotlighters are now using.”

Honor Outreach Chair Martese Johnson, a second-year College student, said spotlighting can lead to more students

feeling isolated by the University community.

“Students of color already feel scrutinized by attending a university that is 70 percent white,” Johnson said. “Having every inch of your body exposed by a 1500-watt searchlight increases this problem.”

Hine also announced that, as future resident of Honor Lawn Room 37 West, he would be downgrading the Honor Committee’s own spotlight down to a mere maglight.

The remainder of the Tuesday resolution addressed the accompanying phenomenon of ‘dimming.’ “So if you see a streaker who’s a white student, Jesse Suter| The Cavalier Daily be sure to turn up your flashlight Early in the morning on Sunday, October 9, 1994, more than 100 University students struck the Lawn as part of a protest to a few notches,” Hine said. keep the tradition alive. Next year, University administrators will try construction, but we will not surrender.

A science to dieting

Turns out, your mother was right about everything. Now, dietitians have the sciency-sounding words to back it up.

Emily Dining Hall Cat video enthusiast

New research from registered dietitian Debora Deloris has shed new light on the efficacy of dieting.

“Diets have been blown out of proportion," Deloris said. "Nutrients go to the same place regardless of the source from which they come. There are so many myths circulating around diets and nutrition.

It’s really a simple science.”

Deloris’s latest research suggests a number of dieting myths may in fact be true.

“Mom truly is always right,” Deloris said. “Most of the lessons we learned from our moms in childhood were for correct — finishing

your entire plate at mealtimes is indeed helpful. Eating all of your food at a quick pace actually speeds up your metabolism.”

The study found that the influx of calories at a rapid pace dramatically increased a person’s basal metabolism. Because a large amount of calories are taken in at one time, the obligatory digestion of each participant actually required more energy to absorb the nutrients and to move the bolus of food through the gastrointestinal tract.

Many of the participants consumed the calories at such a pace that they lacked adequate time to chew the food completely, causing the food to remain fibrous and rough throughout the system.

These large, roughened boli forced

the stomach to churn harder to break down the food, resulting in a negative caloric intake.

Takeru Kobayashi, a world-renowned competitive eater, exemplifies the results of Deloris’s study.

Kobayashi holds many records, including six Guinness Records for eating hot dogs, meatballs, twinkies, hamburgers, pizza and pasta.

Many of the competitions in which he participates have small and strict time parameters that require the consumption of as much food as possible. In competitions that lasted 10 minutes, Kobayashi has been able to intake up to 110 hot dogs and 106 tacos. Because of his rate of consumption, he does not gain weight from his caloric intake.

“The best thing we can do for our bodies is to consume food while in the standing position as quickly as possible while chewing as little as possible," Deloris said. "Standing while eating is a way to trick your mind and body."

For thousands of years it has been the habit of man to sit down to eat a meal. This habitual act has genetically altered the metabolism of modern man. The act of sitting down releases the hormone sitterone, which causes the body to anabolize adipose rather than to catabolize it and break it down for fuel.

In another of Deloris’s studies, it was found that standing while eating prevents the release of sitterone and forces the body to catabolize

fat, literally tricking the body into losing weight.

Upon the publication of this study, the University announced it would remodel all dining halls, removing all seating and putting in place bars so students can stand while they eat. A maximum time of 20 minutes will be given to each student in dining halls to ensure that food is taken in at the fastest possible rate.

“We strive to do what’s best for our students,” a University dining manager said, who asked to remain anonymous as the remodel is still in the planning stages. “We want our students to be the most healthy versions of themselves they can be and we will do what it takes to help make that happen.”

SHAMELESS You’ll never guess what this kid did to his babysitter. #clickbait Continued from page 1 the public debate, despite its status as a 501(c)(3) non-profit corporation, which receives tax-exempt status explicitly for informing public discussion at the University and broader community.

“Nonprofits can’t get involved in politics, and we endorse candidates all the time,” Simonsen said. “Other college newspapers don’t follow those rules, either. If the Daily Tar

Heel jumps off a bridge, I would totally jump after them. I bet there’s gold in the water,” he added, licking his chops.

Other top stories included “In defense of the Mindy Project,” “Lifestyles of the rich and Greek” and “Thank god I’m a Wahoo.” Stories about Spring Break destinations and “S*** Wahoos say” also did well in March.

Operations Manager Lianne Provenzano, a first-year College student, said internal research showed

print paper readers were easily amused and liked pretty pictures, fancy designs and bubble graphs, so content did not matter there, either.

“Wait, we print words with our pictures?” Provenzano asked.

Elliott said several news stories did rank in the paper’s top 50 for pageviews in March, including ones about University graduate program rankings and the University canceling class. The University Transportation Services not offering buses to Foxfields had 572 pageviews, eight

more than the Honor Committee electing its new executive committee for the coming year.

“There were, like, one or two stories that require more than half a brain cell to read in the top 100,” Elliott said. “I think that basically reflects the general intellect and apathy of the average schlub who visits our site.”

Simonsen said the new system had created an additional concern for the paper.

“We found a massive comment

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troll in the girls’ bathroom,” Simonsen said. “It was dripping snot and kept yelling conspiracy theories about [College Graduate Dean Philip] Zelikow. We had to knock it out with a bunch of old News section articles. Good thing we didn’t burn all of those.”

Sources close to the paper report the comment troll focused on ad hominem attacks and was morally opposed to reasoned thought.

Editor-in-Chief Rebecca Lim could not be reached for comment.

Did you know we had a mobile app?

Does anyone?

S

sports Matt Comely Subpar Writer

That ass who sits next to you at home football games was recently hired to replace Mike London as coach of the Virginia football team.

In announcing the decision, Athletic Director Craig Littlepage said the little prick’s decision-making ability was far superior to London’s.

“The guy is an absolute genius,” Littlepage said. “Never once have I seen a college student with such profound insight into the game of football. I’m just upset we didn’t

The Cavalier Daily

4

‘That prick’ named new football coach Littlepage cites extensive Madden experience, laughing at ESPN anchors’ one-liners in decision to make hire

track him down sooner.”

The new coach comes in with no actually coaching experience, but he reads Grantland every couple of weeks and watches SportsCenter at least three times a day. But most importantly, he cannot shut up about Virginia football.

“London totally should have called timeout at the end of the Virginia Tech game last year,” he said.

“And running the ball on third and long at least three times a game really hurt us down the stretch. Oh, and don’t get me started on London’s choice to start David Watford at quarterback!”

London would have begun his fifth season at the helm of the Virginia football team this fall. Dur-

Teven Jones named National NaeNae MVP #Blessed #Respect #ACCREFS #TRUTH #lovemybrothers

Courtesy Virginia Athletics

Did you know that Virginia is the only NCAA Division I team named the Cavaliers, but both Northern Arizona and Stephen F. Austin are the Lumberjacks?

ing his previous job at Richmond, he lead the Spiders to a Division I Championship Subdivision national title. Then, in just his second year at Virginia, he led the team to the Chick-fil-A Bowl and captured ACC Coach of the Year honors.

Despite his win total tapering off in the past two years, which ultimately led to his dismissal, London has excelled in recruiting.

“Recruiting?” the new head coach said. “Oh. Um, yeah. I can do that. Sure!”

Despite his lack of experience, the new coach has been praised for his passion, most clearly demonstrated when he leaves Virginia football games at half time when the team is down by 20.

Paris Lerrantes

Cavalier Daily Adult Film Correspondent

The No. 1 seed Virginia men’s basketball team concluded one of its most successful seasons in decades Friday night at Madison Square Garden, falling 61-59 to No. 4 seed Michigan State in the Sweet Sixteen.

Individual accolades kept rolling in Tuesday morning, however, when sophomore point guard Teven Jones was honored as the unanimous National NaeNae MVP by both the coaches and the media.

“Boy, God has carried me a long way! #Blessed,” Jones tweeted Tuesday upon receiving the award.

“Nobody in the game has moves like me right now. I’m sorry, just being honest… #Respect,” he continued, along with multiple fist emojis.

Jones was the only unanimous selection to the NaeNae All-American first team, receiving more than twice as many votes as Mercer senior guard Kevin Canevari, the second-leading vote-getter.

“I think this year more than any I can remember, the decision was a no-brainer,” said Virginia coach Tony Bennett. “I’ve coached great

Courtesty Wikimedia Commons

Professional baseball player Oscar Gamble once said, “They don’t think it be like it is, but it do.”

dancers before in the past, but no player has ever had the body control and sheer passion that Teven brings to the court every night. He’s truly breathtaking to watch.”

Bennett himself was a 1992 honorable mention All-American during his senior year at Green Bay for his pregame performances of ‘The Carlton,’ from the hit sitcom series "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air." He also led former point guard Jontel Evans to a pair of first-team NaeNae All-American seasons during his junior and senior campaigns, but Jones is the youngest All-American as well as the first MVP selection under Bennett.

“That’s a major part of the reason we hired coach Bennett,” Virginia Athletics Director Craig Littlepage said. “There are a lot of potential coaches who have danced at high levels, but Tony’s moves were just so suave that we knew right away he was our guy.”

Jones credited Bennett and Evans with helping him perfect a sizable number of the dance moves currently in his arsenal, including the Bronco and the bow and arrow.

“You know, coming to Virginia, I feel like I had a lot of moves I could

break out during various points of the game,” Jones said. “But I have to give it to coach Bennett, he is all about the process — ‘two feet on the step,’ he always says. He, along with some of the older guys on the team, have really helped me take my NaeNae game to the next level.”

Freshman point guard Devon Hall, redshirted because the Virginia Beach product dances “less gracefully than Charles Barkley’s golf swing,” according to a source close to the team, has reportedly sought out NaeNae lessons from Jones.

Hall hopes to improve his dance moves enough to have a prominent role next season during pregame and sideline celebrations.

Though the Cavaliers bowed out of the NCAA Tournament following Friday’s loss, Jones said he will take just a week off before traveling to the LeBron James NaeNae Skills Academy in Las Vegas, Nev. to hone his craft.

“That’s just the way Tev is, man,” sophomore guard Justin Anderson said. “He knows we depend on him for those dance moves and he’s always working to improve — he’s never satisfied.”

Football team breaks ties with ACC, hopes for more wins Virginia football relegated to CAA, London returns to roots

Laughing Otters

Cavalier Daily Chief of Security

In a dramatic press conference on a dark and stormy Saturday night, Executive Associate Athletics Director Jon Oliver announced the University will

trade conference memberships with James Madison University for football beginning in 2016.

Under the plan proposed by Oliver, the Virginia, a founding member of the ACC, would sever its 61-year-old ties with the conference to join the Colonial Athletic Conference in football only.

Virginia would remain in the ACC for all other sports where historically they have enjoyed varying measures of success.

In concert with this move, JMU, the only Division I football program from the state of Virginia to defeat Virginia Tech in the last decade, will join the ACC

in football only in 2016.

In an answer to a question from the assembled media, Oliver said joining the CAA in football would “give coach [Mike] London the best opportunity to create a winning program."

"London was a successful CAA football coach — winning

a national championship at Richmond — and we expect nothing less from him with a return to his roots in the CAA," Oliver added.

When reached for comment, Virginia Tech coach Frank Beamer said, “Huh? U.Va. has a football team? That’s news to me.”

SPORTS

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

5

Yachting, squash set to become newest University varsity sports Beer pong rumored to be on the docket for inclusion next year, frats rejoice Akil Mitchell Senior Fourth-year

Athletics Director Craig Littlepage made headlines during the weekend for his new plan to foster enthusiasm and participation in sports “that aren’t basketball and football.” Starting in 2015, Littlepage announced, the University will introduce two new varsity teams: yachting and squash.

The Cavalier Athletics Department is widely touted for its continuous success in soccer, tennis, baseball, rowing, field hockey and lacrosse, but its main revenue sports and media darlings are football and basketball. After yet another disappointing football season and the abrupt end to a spectacular year of basketball, athletics officials were left wondering how to maintain the spark that the basketball team brought to Grounds.

“We just kept asking the question: what’s going to be the next basketball?” Executive Associate Athletics Director Jon Oliver said.

“So then we thought, what are U.Va. students like?”

That question led them straight to Rugby Road. In the pastel-andbowtie world of the University, athletics officials said they feel they have found an untapped source of passion and talent.

“The guys that have been summering in the Hamptons since they were kids — that’s what we’re looking for,” said newly-named yachting coach Angus Winthorpe, University alumnus and Nantucket native. “Those chaps are just natural out there.”

Winthorpe, a brother of the Sigma Chi fraternity during his time in Charlottesville, has already begun an aggressive recruiting campaign. The crown jewel of his inaugural class would be 17-year

old phenom Christian “Quint” Hamilton V of St. Christopher’s School in Richmond, though he is also in talks with coaches at Princeton and, his father’s and grandfather’s alma mater, Washington and Lee. The future student-athletes will enjoy an additional bonus as members of the University yachting and squash teams, as the second part of Littlepage’s announcement was their official sponsorship by the popular, whale-spangled clothing company, Vineyard Vines. Coowners Sam Elmer and Ian and Shep Murray expressed their excitement at this new partnership.

“U.Va. has been good to us,” Shep Murray said, “We’re happy to return that favor to the brothers and sisters of the whale in Charlottesville.”

Athletics officials expect that the new teams will bring in a huge new crop of athletics supporters

Courtesy Virginia Athletics

“A day without newspapers is like a day wearing pants” - Jerry Coleman

who, in Littlepage’s words, “probably have too much money on their hands anyway.”

Littlepage hopes to gain student support from the widely acclaimed Hoo Crew as well, though there is some speculation as to whether or not fourth-year president Haider Arshad’s orange wig would deny him entrance to the Boar’s Head or the Mount Vernon Yacht Club, the

future teams’ home bases.

There are also rumors Littlepage may announce yet another team which would allow the yacht and squash stars to become twosport athletes. The first-ever University beer pong team may be on the rise, though it will first have to overcome officiating rules because, according to Winthorpe, “You gotta watch those elbows, bro.”

Coaches scout old dorm quad for new talent Recruiting coordinator Chip West impressed by simplicity of two-hand touch defense Robert the Younger Associate Senator

Courtesy Virginia Athletics

The No. 3 Virginia women’s rowing team won 10 of their 12 races this weekend at the Pac-12 Challenge, including taking three of four against each No. 13 Stanford and No. 6 USC.

As Virginia fans are well aware, the Cavalier football team has endured some recent hardships. After an inspiring eight-win season and Chick-Fil-A bowl berth in 2011, the team regressed to four wins in 2012 and to just two wins in 2013.

With an upset fan base and season ticket sales plummeting, coach Mike London and his staff knew that change would be necessary to right the ship. Known as a great recruiter, London set out with the goal of collecting another respectable recruiting class, which he did in February, signing a class that featured two five star players — Andrew Brown and Quin Blanding.

However upset with his team’s performance halfway through spring practices, London knew that he and his staff needed a boost in order to save their jobs. So, in an unlikely turn of events, London and recruiting coordinator Chip West have been scouting a new area for the next Cavalier star — the quad at the McCormick Dormoratories, or old dorms.

“Talent wins football games,” London said. “Anytime you can look to add talent, that’s going to help

your team win games, and I know I’ve seen a lot of potential out on that field.”

Due to the increased school tours after the University released admissions decisions, London and his staff began to infiltrate tour groups — disguised as parents — beginning last month to scout the football talent at the University during pick-up games. But after two weeks on the job, West — the lead recruiter for Brown and Blanding — decided to focus the search solely in the old dorm quad.

“Look, I’ve been around the game a long time, and I know talent,” West said. “I watched several games throughout Grounds, but I couldn’t stop thinking about some of the heart and hustle I had seen while at old dorms. I talked to Mike [London] about it, and he gave me the go ahead to focus on that one area.”

London asked for and was granted permission by the University to mount security cameras in strategic locations throughout the old dorm quad in order to capture game film of the first-years. London and West have spent the past two weeks scouting the quad starting Fridays at around 2 p.m. and have taken notes on selected students. Later that night, they watch the film from

their cameras, and then come back out Saturday in hopes of watching the students again.

“I have been thoroughly impressed with the talent I have seen with my own eyes,” West said.

“These kids just fly around, running crisp route patterns and then the quarterbacks seem to just effortlessly hit them in stride. When I was lucky enough to watch them play a tackle game, I was blown away by some of these kids' form. Missed tackles plagued us last season, and I think we might have our solution right here. I just wonder how we missed some of these guys out of high school.”

After his final visit Saturday, March 29, London has now offered upwards of 15 students a spot on the team. He expects at least 10 to earn a scholarship.

Some critics have questioned whether these students — many of whom have never been on a serious weight program before — can physically last on the gridiron. London, though not necessarily known to develop talent, has no doubt that these first-years have what it takes.

“With hustle, I think any of these kids out here can make it on our football team,” London said. “I’m excited about what these kids can add to the future of Virginia football.”

The Cavalier Daily

O

6

Are you there, sobriety? It’s me, blackout

Alice N. Drunkenland Student with cell phone

A University student described her experience at bars last weekend in detail saying, “I don’t remember anything.” She then elaborated saying, “I was literally blackout. Like, so blackout.

I don’t remember any of it.”

The term “literally blackout,” which is now used often around Grounds and can mean anything from having one beer to actually vomiting outside Toros, describes what many students experience on a weekly basis.

When in this state of “blackout,” students often find themselves using their phones to do things their more sober selves would not approve of. This includes (but is not limited to) taking embarrassing or inappropriate pictures, posting said pictures on social media, updating their Twitter statuses and — worst of all — texting their exes.

waiting for a response, angry at yourself for sending anything, and letting your friends know exactly just how pissed you are.

“Jason didn’t text me back. Seriously f*** him. My text was, like, so normal, right? Ew who does he think he is? Right? I’m not crazy? Right?”

Your friends will tell you you’re not crazy, but the truth is, you are. Jason unfortunately won’t find the “taco” text alluring.

And if he does, and he responds, you’ll probably still be mad because when you sober up you’ll realize there was some reason you two broke up and that reason Let’s be honest, who hasn’t gone out on a Thursday probably still exists. and thought, at around 2am, that RIGHT NOW So here’s my would be a good time to text an ex?” solution. We can end the embarwonder while you hit send on a rassment and anger that comes text containing the word “taco” with drunk texts to exes by getand two monkey Emojis. You ting to the root of the problem: then forget you sent the text and our cell phones. At the door, carry on with your night, only to while the bouncer barely glances wake up the next morning to the at your very real ID, you should embarrassment and shame that also hand him your cell phone. follows such sloppy texting. Or He should then place the phone you spend the rest of the night in a bucket next to the entrance,

“

opinion

Let’s be honest, who hasn’t gone out on a Thursday and thought, at around 2am, that RIGHT NOW would be a good time to text an ex? Messages such as “I miss you” or more often “I misnahhh youw” are sent at these dark times — when, while in the depths of Trinity, music blaring and sweaty people spilling their drinks on you, you think fondly of the happy times you and your significant other used to have.

“Why did we break up?” you

where you can come find it before you leave. This is a surefire solution and is one hundred per-

y

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Cou

edia

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s

mon

Com

cent infallible, though theft may occur. Additionally, those with Droids, BlackBerrys and even the real old schoolers with Razrs will have an advantage here for once, as their phones will be easier to find among the 400+ iPhones. To all the rest of you conformists, godspeed.

I know it sounds like a lot of work, but there’s really no better way to solve this rampant problem. If there were, like, maybe an app that kept us from using our phones drunk or something sim-

ilar, I’d know about it. Obviously.

Therefore, we should implement this immediately, for the sake of every University student who has logged onto Facebook the morning after going out and seen pictures of themselves midshotgun, middle finger up, eyes barely open. Or opened their SnapChat to find they sent a snap to every one of their contacts, but can’t remember what it was. Or seen humiliating Tweets they wrote, often incorporating meaningful song lyrics, for example, “I came in like a wrecking ball.” Or, of course, seen the texts they sent their ex last night.

This cycle needs to end.

Phones at bars just create too many problems. Let’s stop the selfies and the texts and uphold the motto, “What happens on the Corner between the hours of 12am and 3am... stays there.”

Let’s be real, no amount of Emojis or misspelled words are going to help you get your boo back.

So put down the phone and go home. You’re drunk.

Alice N. Drunkenland is a University student who has sent (more than) a few regretful text messages

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The opinions expressed in The Cavalier Daily are entirely those of the students, faculty, staff or administration of the University of Virginia. Unsigned editorials represent the majority opinion of our elected dictators. Cartoons and columns represent the views of the paper - That’s right, we all agree with Russell all the time. The managing board of The Cavalier Daily has no authority.

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OPINION

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

7

Why Macklemore deserved the Grammy Aspiring rapper

After Macklemore and Ryan Lewis took home four Grammys in January, including, perhaps most controversially, the nod for “Best Rap Album,” music consumers across the country had a lot to say about it. Many people felt that the honor was unwarranted, especially given the fact that Macklemore was a newcomer to the rap game competing with established talents such as Kanye West and Jay-Z. But I’m here to encourage Macklemore to forget the haters, hold his platinum-blonde capped head high and know that he absolutely, unequivocally deserved that Grammy. He earned it. There was, dare I say, no one else more worthy than he. Let me explain.

We can begin with the lyrical content of the champion rap album, “The Heist”. There’s just so much with which a listener can critically engage. In “White Walls,” for instance, the refrain has Macklemore repeatedly describing for us his late night joy ride: “I got that off-black Cadillac, midnight drive / Got that gas pedal, lean back, taking my time / I’m rollin' out, roof off, letting in sky / I shine, the city never looked so bright.” Pure poetry,

right? And don’t even get me started on the symbolism! Why is the Cadillac off-black? Is it reflective of Macklemore’s inner emotional uncertainty? His unfulfilled desires?

His shortcomings? The possibilities are endless.

Additionally, as an artist, Macklemore is particularly good at one

and personal benefits of secondhand shopping over the environmental and social impacts. Macklemore has gained a huge platform partly by exploiting his institutional privilege, and he should be able to utilize that power however he wants. If he wants to sing about nice cars, parties, and making serious bank, I think that’s great — even admirable.

Anyway, it’s certainly not as if Macklemore’s entire album caters to one specific deWe don’t care about race relations or minority mographic — he voices very much — frankly, just writing this did write “Same sentence has made me super uncomfortable. Being Love” as a shoutout to the LGBTQ forced to confront societal problems before the beat community. And even drops just brings down the mood in the club.” statistics show that a white male ally is the best thing: making privileged white person to be the voice of the equalmales feel better about themselves ity movement. Catchy pop songs and allaying white guilt. And I have tangible benefits in the real think we need more of that in world struggle. In fact, according to popular culture. We need to keep one source, within a month of the telling rich hipster kids that they’re song’s release, there was a 30 percool and trendy — in fact, they’re cent increase in the number of adopractically rockstars who can take lescents that came out — many diclubs by storm — for shopping at rectly to their bullies, who accepted thrift stores. them with open arms because, well, It’s important to have chart-top- Macklemore said it was good idea. pers which emphasize the aesthetic Many teens who responded to the

survey admitted they had quoted Macklemore directly in their coming out speech. Making people feel good and making white men act less shitty than they have, you know, historically and consistently — these should be celebrated.

Indeed, it should be more than

“

Ashley (A-shizzy) Sphinx

Courtesy

Wikimedia

Commons

celebrated: it should be valued. It should be valued even more highly than artistic quality, lyrical innovation or thought-provoking social commentary. If we, as a culture, are going to endorse the idea that a person (or group of people) can judge

art in any type of objective fashion and assign it value through the means of an annual awards show, who’s to say that any one value system is superior to another? It seems our new standards involve commercial success and profit — and Macklemore should definitely be rewarded for conforming so well to those standards.

Sure, it may be a fair assessment that songs like Kanye West’s “New Slaves” and Jay-Z’s “Picasso Baby,” which discuss modern manifestations of racism, have slightly more substance than the songs on Macklemore’s magnum opus. But we don’t care about race relations or minority voices very much — frankly, just writing this sentence has made me super uncomfortable. Being forced to confront societal problems before the beat even drops just brings down the mood in the club.

As I think I’ve made abundantly clear, the conversation about the merits of Macklemore’s work should be over. I’d like to wish him hearty congratulations on his welldeserved Grammy, for he surely did produce the best rap album of 2013.

Ashley (A-shizzy) Sphinx is an aspiring rapper.

Life on the bottom Feminist

I’m a feminist and I hate being on top.

I know, it’s tragic.

Whenever I go out with my feminist friends, I’m always worried the conversation will get to that point where they complain about how their boyfriends/sort-of boyfriends/routine casual sex partners are so resistant to letting the woman take the reigns. They all look at me for my input, because I’m the only one in the group who hasn’t agreed with them yet, and I’m sitting there awkwardly, wondering if I should lie for the sake of retaining the friendship, or if I should tell the truth at the risk of being criticized.

“What do you mean missionary is your favorite position?

Don’t you know that every time a woman enjoys missionary sex, she’s encouraging the endurance of the patriarchy?”

I got so tired of those kinds of questions. I began to tell lies —“Oh, of course…cowgirl 100 percent.” God forbid I ever relinquish even a little bit of control

over my orgasm. But I felt like ally just don’t understand…what I had to keep up the illusion. If do I do up here? I feel awkward I didn’t, they might stop invit- and overly exposed, and it’s not ing me to feminist book club a body confidence issue, I swear. and feminist movie night. No I am a lights on kind of girl. I way was I going to let them ex- just could not figure out why I clude me from viewing Joan couldn’t enjoy myself on top. I Cusack’s performance in “In read about a hundred Cosmo and Out,” followed by a discus- articles and scoured the internet sion of whether the institution for any advice I could find. “Try of marriage actually perpetuates reverse — you’ll have much more the systematic oppression of women. I know it’s so middle school, but I lied to retain my status in the “incrowd.” I told so Nobody wants to say missionary is their favorite many lies about position. It’s like saying vanilla is your favorite my sexual preferences that I flavor of ice cream or Coldplay is your favorite actually started band. Just like that, you become the most boring to believe them person at the party.” myself.

But when it came down to the wire — bare- control.” “Keep your back arched ass naked skin on skin, slightly — you’ll be sure to hit the sweet tipsy with “John” (but I’m gonna spot.” But nothing worked. call you Ryan because you look So I gave up trying. I’ve fallen like Ryan Seacrest) who I just back on the default position that met at the bar tonight — in the apparently has been haunting moment when I would actually me ever since I lost my virginity try to make those lies reality, when I was seventeen. Nobody things just did not go well. I re- wants to say missionary is their

“

Kat S. Evergreen

favorite position. It’s like saying vanilla is your favorite flavor of ice cream or Coldplay is your favorite band. Just like that, you become the most boring person at the party. I’ve been doomed to a lifetime of lying whenever I’m in the hot seat during yet another game of Kings. To all of you who were looking for a truthful answer — I’m sorry. And to all of you who were looking for a more interesting answer when I did tell the truth — I’m sorry.

Reactions from my sexual partners have been mixed. Some men are perfectly happy taking full control (and not just the ones who give you a weird look when you say you’re a feminist, like that might actually be a deal-breaker). But you might be surprised how many guys are genuinely disappointed. “Come on, just once get on top. I’ll show you what to do. Please, for me?”

“Showing me what to do” got them a whole lot of something and me a whole lot of nothing. And of course, once Ryan Seacrest lookalike is finished he’s too tired even to help you.

Like, come on, I just did you a huge favor. Isn’t this supposed to be a “you scratch my back,

I scratch yours” kind of thing?

Funny how taking the option that was supposed to increase my personal sexual empowerment left me deeply sexually disappointed. Just one more reason I gave up on it.

What am I left with at the end of the day? A recycling bin full of Cosmo magazines, a huge cloud of sexual frustration, and Joan Cusack. This isn’t exactly where I envisioned my life going. Who knows what happens from here?

First I resign myself to a lifetime of missionary sex, then I end up binging on “Say Yes to the Dress” marathons, and before you know it I’m a soccer mom.

Life can be a slippery slope like that. Luckily I’ve got an arsenal of feminist friends to remind me that every time you fake an orgasm, you’re making a political statement in favor of the patriarchy. Once I get to that point, that’s when you can start excluding me from feminist book club.

We all need a wake-up call every now and then.

Kat S. Evergreen is a feminist who is currently struggling with her political identity.

8

The Cavalier Daily

5 life hacks that’ll save you time and money Denise Taylor Life Expert

One question I’ve been getting a lot from people lately is, “Denise, how can I be savvy and intuitive like you?”

Usually my response is to just sit back and laugh until they leave. But today I realized that life is a game and not everyone is born knowing how to play it. Luckily I’ve decided to give you a few tips on how to make your life a little easier, like I do.

The Gumball What You’ll Need: Quarter, String This is a classic trick that everyone hears about but no one actually has

to be a Ziploc — any old brand will do.

Carpet Stain What You’ll Need: Baking soda, Phone Dinner guests coming over soon?

Embarrassed about those wine stains on your carpet? What you have to do is sprinkle a little bit of baking soda on the stain. Your guests might think it’s cocaine and try to snort it when you’re not looking, and the next thing you know, you’re taking them to the Emergency Room. Now who’s embarrassed?

Extra Breadcrumbs What You’ll Need: Breadcrumbs, Chicken

Got a bunch of breadcrumbs lying around the kitchen and have no idea what to do with them? Don’t throw them away — use them to make crispy chicken! All you have to do is take the breadcrumbs you have and feed it to the chickens before they get slaughtered so now they’re meatier chickens and it’s more bang for your buck. Then, once you’re actually preparing the chicken, you can go out and buy some breadcrumbs or something for the outside part. I don’t know; I’m not really a cook.

Free Napkins What You’ll Need: Clean criminal record, Work ethic This is one I am shocked that no

one but me has figured out yet. If you want free napkins, or straws, or those thin little Popsicle sticks, all you have to do is apply for a barista job at your local Starbucks. After a few months of working there and carefully charming the right people, you should be able to work your way up to a managerial position and bring the extra straws and napkins home without any guilt. But Denise, couldn’t I just take the Starbucks napkins even if I’m not working there? Yeah, but I thought you’d have a little more class than that.

Denise Taylor is a life expert and a former Starbucks barista.

2014 fraternity Disney song power rankings

Avid Disney Fan

I was online recently, trolling people on CollegiateACB and I realized; we need a definitive list of the best Disney songs. With the recent ubiquity and popularity of “Let it Go” from the new Disney movie Frozen, people seem to have forgotten the classics. So here it is, the definitive and official list. Feel free to disagree, but you’re wrong.

1. “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” – Mulan Let’s be real, this is the best Disney song ever written and if you disagree, then you clearly haven’t heard it. Or you heard it but you weren’t listening.

Or you didn’t you have a childhood.

Everyone knows the words to this song, even the Huns. The Huns agree

Tom Hanks Nuff said

In the past year, the University has launched over a dozen MOOCs, or Massive Open Online Courses.

The program helps make a education available to people from around the world for free, and represents the hope of a future full of transparency and global communication through the web. With all of the success this program has had and will have in the future, I think the University should seriously expand its commitment to integrating the Virginia experience with cyberspace. This could be accomplished by creating more MOOCs or involving the web more in existing courses on grounds, but why stop there? So many parts of the University could be made cheaper and more efficient if they were replaced with an automated or online counterpart.

For example, our football team racks up millions of dollars of expenses every year. The stadium has

this is the best Disney song ever. I bump this at parties because it’s that good. Top tier for sure.

2. “You Got A Friend In Me” – Toy Story Like dis if u cry evry time :’( 3. “I Just Can’t Wait to Be King” – The Lion King A great song about a powerhungry little lion cub. He can’t wait to be king and honestly, could you if you were heir to the throne of a lion pride? Zazu is the worst though; that awful, pessimistic little bird. What a downer.

4. “Under the Sea” – The Little Mermaid Everything sounds better in a Jamaican accent.

5. “Strangers Like Me” / “Son of Man”– Tarzan I guess it’s technically cheating to have two songs occupy one spot,

but I couldn’t decide. The Tarzan soundtrack is mind-blowing. It’s just Phil Collins laying down great track after great track. And these are the two best.

6. “Zero to Hero” – Hercules Soulful black women on a Grecian urn singing about Hercules?

Um, yes please.

7. “Trashin’ the Camp” – Tarzan The theatrical version of this song features monkeys playing on pots and pans and it’s incredible, but there’s another version that features N’Sync and Phil Collins. Go listen to it. Right. Now. Stop reading this, go to YouTube, listen to it, and then write in the comments, “Damn, Cam was right about this song.”

8. “Hakuna Matata” – The Lion King Another classic. First off, “hakuna matata” literally does mean no worries in Swahili (as “Simba” means

lion, “Rafiki” means friend, the list is endless). Pumba is so soulful. The meerkat is okay too. Can you believe that’s the correct spelling of “meerkat?” Me neither, mind blown. That’s like how vacuum has two u’s. English is weird.

9. “Circle of Life” – The Lion King NANTS INGONYAMA BAGITHI BABA!!! Cam, why did you transcribe the opening chant of the song so specifically? BECAUSE IT’S ACTUALLY A ZULU PHRASE THAT MEANS “THERE COMES A LION”! The full opening line of the song literally translates to: “There comes a lion, oh yes, it’s a lion, we’re going to conquer, it’s a lion and a tiger.” And we all thought we were just shouting gibberish.

10. “Let it Go” – Frozen Don’t get me wrong; this song is pretty solid. I like it. But I refuse to

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to be maintained, the players have to have equipment, scholarships have to be awarded to players, etc. And while the team does generate millions of dollars of revenue as well, occasionally enough to make a profit, wouldn’t it increase our profit margin if we got rid of the team completely, and in-

rently attend games. And if no suitable gamer could be found amongst the Computer Science majors, I’d be more than happy to play myself. I wouldn’t win any games, but then again, would that be much of a change from what we have now?

The University also has an outdated campus police, who drive around in marked cars and lack the stealth necessary to really catch anyone doing something wrong. Wouldn’t a Wouldn’t it increase our profit margin if we got fleet of automated rid of the football team completely, and instead drones be much more effective at just one scholarship could be awarded to some catching wrongcomputer science major to play Madden?” doers in the act?

They are virtually undetectable, can stead just one scholarship could be cover huge areas by themselves, and awarded to some computer science require almost no maintenance. The major to play Madden? Every time potential utility of drones is boundhe played a game it could be broad- less. For example, the Honor Comcast on TV and shown on a massive mittee could install programming screen to just as many people as cur- that would not only recognize viola-

“

Cam Smith

the guts to pull. If you ever want a free gumball from the gumball machine, just tie a string to a quarter and swing it around a few times. With it, you can hypnotize your friend into buying you a gumball — and no money spent.

Phone on the Beach What You’ll Need: A Ziploc baggie Need to use your phone on the beach but afraid it’s going to get wet?

The trick here is to just put it in a Ziploc bag. This’ll make your phone look like evidence from a crime scene, and while people are wondering who just got murdered at this resort, you can steal their phones and use them in the water. Tip: Your bag doesn’t have

OPINION

tions of the Community of Trust, but immediately impose the single-sanction and destroy the guilty criminal with a varied array of long-distance weaponry. And because drones lack the capacity for empathy, the Honor System would be freed from the whims of student juries uninterested in turning guilty students into bloody piles of rubble and guts.

And why stop there? The school administration has struggled for the last few years with friction between the Board of Visitors and the President. A potential fix could also be provided by electronics and the internet here. The recent success of the online experiment Twitch Plays Pokemon provides provides an intriguing alternative. In the Pokemon version, anyone on the internet could contribute moves to a single game of Pokemon Red. The game would alternate between listening to every command of every user and having massive votes determine the next move when the situation required a more delicate touch. By abolishing the Board of Visitors and the President’s office,

swoon over it like the rest of America. And I like Idina Menzel. Like a lot. I’m not kidding, I’ve seen Wicked three times; twice on Broadway and once in Atlanta, so unlike these Frozen fanboys, I’ve been an Idina fan since way back. I also just listened to “Do You Wanna Build A Snowman” on YouTube for the first time.

Personally, I think that song is better than “Let it Go,” even though it’s impossibly sad. Also, the first comment on YouTube from a guy named “DeeJay” reads, “My favorite character was Elsa! I think she’s had it difficult right from the beginning and unlike other Disney princesses doesn’t rely on a man to help her.” Do less DeeJay, do less.

Cam Smith is an avid Disney fan who is currently pursuing a degree in Swahili.

the University could be run via a similar crowdsourcing method, with important University decisions on all sorts of questions being put to a vote online. Should we cancel classes for snow? Should we fire that teacher you hated from Organic Chemistry?

Should we replace Aramark with a caterer that serves you more than two bites of food on each plate? You get to decide! If the system can solve one of the best Nintendo games of all time, why couldn’t it tackle the unprecedented challenges facing higher education?

I think its clear that the potential benefits of fully integrating our University with the digital world is enormous. And who knows what future opportunities technology could bring. I know we all talk like TJ just left the room, but give genetic engineering robotics a few years to catch up, and Cyborg Jefferson could walk right back in.

Tom Hanks spends his free time as a University student who likes video games.

G

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

THE ADVENTURES OF THE ANTICLIMACTIC <THE> A-MAN

graphics

MOSTLY HARMFUL BY PETER SIMONSEN

NO PAIN INTENDED BY EMILIO ESTEBAN

MORE AWKWARD THAN MOST

BY CHARLOTTE RASKOVICH

BY CHANCE LEE

9

The Cavalier Daily

L

A srat girl’s introspection

life

10

Number 1 Bronfan and Moshe Goldberg Photobomb Superstars

Brace yourself for the raw, powerful insight

See those two standing over there talking? Yeah, you see them.

We see them. We all see them.

Wait, they just looked at you. What if they’re talking about you? Is your hair done? Crap. Your makeup. You put that on so quickly this morning. Your dress? You look cute today, so don’t worry about it.

Do you look cute?

People are so judgmental. All they do is talk about clothing and hair and looks. You saw that snarky look she just gave you. So what if you don’t wear Ralph Lauren? I bet she still has a Juicy tracksuit in her closet.

Why are people so shallow?

What about focusing on a person deep down? Ugh. People.

You don’t need them. Why do

you constantly seek validation? Let them say what they want about you. You’re a strong, independent woman. Stand up for yourself. Jailbreak the patriarchy. Wear sweatpants because you can. Because you’re comfortable. Be you. Yeah.

Who needs their opinion?

Wait. Are they talking about you? Seriously, though. They could be talking about you. What are they saying?

Well, I guess, if we think about it analytically, those two people each know hundreds of people, if not thousands. Between the two of them, they know dozens of people if not hundreds in common. They go to the same university after all, and the place just isn’t that big.

Come to think of it, they’re both in U-Guides or Honor or StudCo.

One of those, we mean. They all just blend together.

But seriously. Why do you think you’re so special that they’re talking about you? They probably don’t care about you. Think of all the other people they could be talking about. There are people over there. That guy next to you is kind of cute. And that couple over there is so cute the way they’re holding hands. Why do you only meet guys at parties? Why can’t you and a guy be cute and hold hands like that?

Wait, what? Oh. Actually, they’re not talking about anyone in particular. I think they’re talking about the weather. I mean, it has been snowing a lot and stuff. Kind of makes sense, right?

Why did you think they were

talking about you? What did you do to deserve that kind of attention? You’re not all that. Trust us.

We know.

In the long run, we’ll all have like no impact on the world. Or U.Va. We’re here for four years.

That’s almost nothing. We’re just small specks. And our particular time is but one tiny sliver of time in the great scope of history. And isn’t there more out there than history?

Before history? After it? Alternate dimensions? We’re just grains of sand washed away in a sea of time.

A great blue sea of time. So meta.

Like a really meta blue sea of time.

Sea blue. I mean, that color’s so in right now. We should order our long-sleeve srat tees in that color. Those would be so cute. But they would be kind of similar to

Kappa’s, and theirs were so ugly.

Who has long-sleeve tees like that?

What would those girls over there say?

What was I saying? Oh, yeah.

I should give you takeaways from this column. My editors want takeaways. Ah, yeah. Takeaways.

So, let’s go with people are shallow, you’re not all that and your existence is meaningless. Oh, and sea blue, which is totally in. Sea blue is probably the main takeaway from this column. And meta, because that’s always a thing.

Moshe and Marshall write columns whenever they feel like it.

They don’t fit into some schedule that the man tells them to. F*** the man. F*** all men.

Love Connection: Double-Swipe Dean and T-Sully Double-Swipe Dean takes T-Sully to O’Hill

Double-S Year: 29thwipe Dean Ideal Date: (not kidding!)

Ideally som university eone well-to -do, and hea Ideal Date d of a prest A ct iv it y : O'Hill Lat Deal Break igious resear ch Describe a ers: People who likee-night any day of th ty R e p u ic w n a ee k l weekend: k start swipin full swin g people in for oI wake up on Saturd s at about 7 probablygmat 9:30 when the oumr continental breakay :30 a. have plenty y favorite meal of thelet station starts sifast. Things really gm. to Hobbies: 20 of energy to swipe e week. I like to tu zzling. O'Hill brunet into What ma 00s pop music, ID people in with m rn in early at night ch is so I imum effi you've beeknes you a good catch? cards and makingax first-year fr ciency.

I've been w What is you alive. ie o n rk d in s g at O'Hill What's yo r spirit animal? longer than yours? ur favorite pick-upLliions. I'm jealous of th n e? ei r I' man . ve lost my ID Describe number...es rough andyourself in one senten Can I have crispy on th ce: Like an O'Hill chic e outside b ken ut warm an d tender onsandwich, I'm the inside.

T-Sully e for hungry U.Va. Year: 4th gh, but with a caring sid Ideal Date: Scruffy and rou students. itors e e on the Board of Vis Deal breakers? Anyoneke the sun and head oudtsid h wit up ke wa I : nd on we l she ica cra e typ a hav o ibe wh scr rs De se drunken frat sta the Corner and see all the to Carr's Hill. I try toircha s. I like to go to use ho the to k bac n my law ts. den stu a.

U.V sed rting events and well-dres eting fellow Hoos at spo Hobbies: Gardening, me te. went to Michigan Stapet convocation -than-perfect catch? I the y tin y’s rsit ive Un What makes you a less m l? Anything fro What is your spirit anima . zoo g be a parking ticket, betin k-up line? You must yea r.

What's your favoritetpic t las 000 25, n tha more n, warm and lovable. oke cause U.Va. gave ou one -sp soft I'm ce: senten Describe yourself in

Alex Love Stalker

Failed (but hopeful) Love Guru

Double-Swipe Dean and T-Sully met at the Rotunda at 6:15 p.m. and went to O'Hill.

Dean: It was cold and foggy. We met at the Rotunda around 6:15 p.m. so we could be right between the 6 p.m. and 7 p.m. rushes.

T-Sully: I suggested the Fresh Food Company, but Dean insisted that nobody calls it that and told me in an aggressive tone, "Newcomb is no O'Hill." He even offered to guest-swipe me in.

Dean: I usually like to keep the atmosphere upbeat with some funky 2000s pop and sports on the big TV, but this time was special. I had Chavis from the sandwich station put on some Frankie on the radio and “The Bachelor” on TV. Juan Pablo doesn't intimidate me.

T-Sully: I went straight for the tater tots. It wasn't even tater-tot Tuesday!

What a treat. I think the Hoo Street Grill was really on top of things for Days on the Lawn.

Dean: The conversation got going pretty fast, but there were a few hiccups.

Sullivan mentioned something about Miss Kathy at Newcomb being really sweet, but c'mon, have you seen the lunch line there?

T-Sully: Dean seemed like a sweet guy.

He was quite passionate about his role of getting people into O'Hill as soon as possible. I really enjoyed the ice milk. It's nice to see that we're offering these low-fat choices to the youth of America.

Dean: I loaded up on loaded baked potato pizza. It's really great that we can get so creative for Meat-Free Monday.

I heard some sassy first-year say that O'Hill's pizza is mediocre. He clearly hasn't tried the Loaded Baked Potato or Chicken Barbecue.

T-Sully: There was one funny moment. I asked him to pass me some pepper, which he passed behind his back and dropped. It was very rude of him. He reminded me of Helen Dragas in that regard.

Dean: Once “New York, New York” came on, I knew the tone was set. I was certainly getting my flirt on, and I could feel T-Sully reciprocating. I'm sure I'm a breath of fresh air after all those stuffed shirts she has to work with everyday.

T-Sully: I was secretly hoping he'd offer to splurge some Plus Dollars on me at The Chop House, but no such luck. He was definitely my type; I like 'em scruffy, although I'm not sure if our personalities were compatible.

Dean: I was having a really good time, so I offered to take her to Starbucks with some of the EMPSU coupons I've been stashing away.

T-Sully: I tried to order a venti cinnamon apple spice tea, but the rude lady at the counter informed me that I can only get a grande with EMPSU, so I settled for that. It was really sweet of Dean to pay for me, though.

Dean: Starbucks' hot chocolate is nothing compared to O'Hill's, but I wanted to show Sully a good time, so I let it slide.

T-Sully: I'd rate the date an 8.5. Dean is a great guy.

Dean: I asked her for her ID number, but she would only give me her computing ID. Still, she said she hopes I'll email her. I'm thinking about asking her to Mexican Monday next week. I would rate the date a 9.

LIFE

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

11

Entitled students can’t comprehend Sweet Sixteen loss Wahoos wonder why Daddy couldn’t buy Elite Eight slot tion and tried to make sense of such an unforeseen tragedy.

Since the consensus agreed the loss was “not our fault,” students grappled with the inexplicability of the night’s turn of events. Common methods of coping with this unexpected twist of fate included a combination of blaming the officiating, reminding Michigan State students they will one day work for University graduates and drowning one’s sorrows at various alcohol vending establishments on the Corner.

While some fans returned to their

Aidan Coch-make-it-rane Part-time blogger, full-time sassmaster

On Friday night at Madison Square Garden, the scene was dismal when the final buzzer sounded, sending the Michigan State Spartans to the Elite Eight and ending the Cavaliers’ memorable season.

Back in Charlottesville, University students watched in disbelief as, for the first time in their lives, something didn’t go their way. Distraught, students grappled with this new sensa-

homes for hours of silent reflection and mourning, others took to the streets. With a bottle of lighter fluid in hand, second-year College student Yates M. Rutherford V explained his frustration.

“No one in the world has it worse than me right now,” Rutherford said.

“First I get deferred from the Comm School, then my ID gets creased at Trinity and now the Hoos can’t even win a close a ball game. I blame it on the ESPN analysts and the Democrats.

Thanks Obama”.

University President Teresa Sul-

livan also expressed her disappointment at the loss. In a recent statement to the student body, Sullivan urged students to handle the loss in a “mature and honorable fashion.”

Such was the scene on 14th Street as cool-headed students burned couches and attempted to start a riot in protest of the unfair proceedings of the game.

Looking past basketball, the question of how this loss will prove to be detrimental to the futures of University students still stands.

“What worries me the most is that

a good-looking guy like Joe Harris can have bad things happen to him," Medical School graduate student Linus Caruthers said. "I’m sitting here, about to be the best-looking doctor in the country, and I’ve just learned my whole world could potentially come crashing down. Things like these, they remind you of the world’s fragility, you know?”

Counseling and Psychological Services has issued a statement announcing open walk-in hours available to all students who wish to seek counseling in light of these traumatic events.

Thomas Jefferson sports his birthday suit Birthday festivities to include mass streaking

Sumedha De-shmuck Life Columnist

University officials announced plans for an extravagant 271st birthday celebration for U.Va. visionary and People Magazine’s 1776 “Sexiest Man Alive,” Thomas Jefferson. The event — to be held April 13 — will feature singing, dancing and cake, all culminating in a University-wide streaking of the Lawn at precisely midnight.

In order to properly honor Jefferson, the University has agreed to slightly modify the process of streaking for this particular night. While looking through the keyhole, the students are expected to sing their most passionate rendition of “Happy

Birthday” to Mr. Jefferson’s figure within the Rotunda. It is estimated more than 20,000 members of the U.Va. and Charlottesville community will partake in the celebration.

“In planning the event, we really wanted to embody the Jeffersonian ideals this University was founded on — life, nudity and the pursuit of frattiness,” Dean of Students Allen Groves said. “It’s important that the University is able to come together and partake in something so rooted in this institution’s tradition and history.”

As many are aware, streaking the Lawn was an integral part of Mr. Jefferson’s life. It is common knowledge his favorite saying was “Get naked or get out” — a sentiment scholars have found echoed in many of this

country’s governing documents. His wife, Martha Jefferson, often cited his daily streaking as the reason TJ was so yoked.

Jefferson's affinity for running across his Academical Village in the nude is confirmed by his gravestone, which reads “Here lies Thomas Jefferson… Father of the University of Virginia and Inaugural Streaker.”

Students have been eagerly awaiting and preparing for the festivities. First-year College student Lara Armstrong says she has been training intensely to conquer the half-mile course by walking to the AFC daily to get a Freshens smoothie — with protein, of course.

“It’s been a strenuous affair, but I really want to be a part of something bigger than myself," Armstrong said.

"This is something that’s going to go down in history and I can’t pass the opportunity up."

Organizers hope the event can become an annual tradition.“Campus should be hype.

Especially for the freshmen,” firstyear College student Pooja Ranganathan said. She was immediately dismissed from the University for two counts of improper terminology use. It was later found out she was actually an undercover student from Virginia Tech. Her honor trial is pending.

The ghost of Edgar Allen Poe has communicated his intention to attend the event via Ouija board.

“Watch out for the Saran™ wrap, suckas!!!” Poe said during his séance.

Courtesy Wikimedia Commons

Easy, breezy, beautiful, Cover Squirrel This new CIO is nuts for their squirrels Ayy Baybay Moyler Professional Pontificator

There's a new contracted independent organization on Grounds — and in trees — dedicated to those majestic creatures we call squirrels. Third-year College student Johnny Hammersticks, president of the Squirrel Appreciation Club, came to the University unsure of what activities to partake in. Hammersticks had always had a strong passion for squirrels and once he saw how many graced our presence here at the University, a lightbulb went off.

Three months into his first year, Hammersticks’ CIO was approved by Student Council.

“I am just grateful that my friends can finally be recognized for how incredibly wonderful they are,” Ham-

mersticks said. “U.Va. without squirrels is like sorority girls without extra large spirit jerseys.”

Third-year Commerce student Sloan Kettering, the club's vice president, played a huge role in getting the club on its feet. Kettering created the club’s most successful fundraising event, called “Culmination of Unresolved Inter-Sorority Tension Days,” in which the sorority chapters on Grounds are pitted against each other in a series of nut-gathering festivities.

“We thought the best way to get the most nuts would be to have all the sororities compete against each other,” Kettering said. “Whoever has the most nuts will be the topic of every fraternity brother’s conversations — now there’s something to strive for.”

The club builds a new squirrel nest, equipped with WiFi, every week during its meetings. Nests are found

at heights of 2 to 20 meters in trees.

These weekly meetings are also comprised of a number of activities, including a slideshow of all the squirrel pictures members took and submitted throughout the week.

“Biweekly squirrel trivia is a real good time,” said first-year member Gus Nutworthy.

Nutworthy also created the mobile dating app Squinder to increase the squirrels' social media presence. Nutworthy said that app helps the club immensely for breeding purposes. Once they are matched up on Squinder, the two squirrels will be put in a dimly lit room, heated to 72 degrees Fahrenheit and left for 45 minutes.

“March to May is when we use Squinder the most because that is a breeding period for the squirrels,” Nutworthy said. “Red squirrels are generally characterized as promis-

Courtesy Wikimedia Commons

Johnny the Squirrel, above, said he fully approved of the appreciation club in his name. Johnny said he hoped to return their love by cleaning out even more trash cans around Grounds.

cuous so things get a little wild with them.”

The club teams up with the Knitting Club in winter to create sweaters for the squirrels.

“You can really tell that [the squirrels] appreciate them,” second-year member Oak McMaple said. “Not only does this help them, but it truly enhances the experience of our weekly

slideshows.”

In May, to celebrate a wonderful school year of squirrel appreciation, the club heads to Newcomb with their favorite squirrel friends and treats them to a feast with their leftover meal swipes. Dinner is followed by speeches, and many tears are shed — by humans and squirrels alike.

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THE APRIL FOOL’s ISSUE

is an annual tradition for the cavalier daily staff. all “articles” included in this issue are intended for humor in the spirit of April Fool’s, and No statement of fact, name, event, etc. should be taken as truth.