Thursday, November 6, 2014

The

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Thursday, November 6, 2014

Vol. 125, Issue 21

THE PUSH FOR

GENDER IDENTITY AWARENESS

University updates discrimination policy as housing, application discussions continue Tiffany Truong Senior Writer

The University recently added gender identity to its nondiscrimination policy, joining a wave of other Virginia public institutions which added similar provisions earlier this year following an executive order by Gov. Terry McAuliffe in January which incorporated such protections.

Under the revised guidelines, University policy prohibits discrimination based on age, color, disability, gender identity, marital status, national or ethnic origin, political affiliation, race, religion, sex (including pregnancy), sexual orientation, veteran status and family medical or genetic information.

Even in the wake of the change, though, a number of groups will continue to push to bring LGBTQ advocacy issues to the fore at the University.

The LGBT Committee, a subcommittee of the faculty and staff ’s University of Virginia Diversity Council, has been working to make facilities at the

Clean slate, fresh paint for Beta Bridge PAGE 2

ABC to increase liquor markups PAGE 4

University more welcoming to individuals with nontraditional gender identities, LGBTQ Student Services Coordinator Scott Rheinheimer said.

Reflecting this developing awareness, the University will add private, locked stall areas to the communal bathrooms planned for the Alderman Road dorms under construction, Associate Dean of Students Gay Perez said.

She emphasized, though, that the University does not currently have plans to build gender neutral bathrooms.

“Within each community bathroom, there will be one private toilet stall and one private shower stall in order to give us additional flexibility to address specific resident privacy needs,” Perez said in an email.

Additionally, the LGBTQ Center has mapped out gender-neutral bathrooms to be placed around Grounds. These private stalls will help create a more comfortable environment, said fourthyear College student Blake Calhoun, chair of the Minority Rights Coalition.

“Something as simple as [gender

Men’s soccer wins against rival Hokies PAGE 8

neutral bathrooms] makes a huge difference in a transgender person’s life — very small things like that are within reach,” Calhoun said. "U.Va.’s ultimate goal should be to provide what’s most comfortable to a trans student.”

Meanwhile, a student advisory committee — which consists of students involved with the LGBTQ Center, the Queer Student Union and Sigma Omicron Rho — is working with the Office of Admission to implement an optional question about LGBTQ identity on the demographic section of the University application. The question would read, “Do you identify as LGBTQ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans*, queer, and/or questioning)?” and would allow students who select “yes” to sign up to receive updates and information from the LGBTQ Center.

Third-year College student Porter Nenon, who is involved in promoting the initiative, said including the ques-

Virginia Film Festival features student film “Fifth Street” PAGE 10

see LGBTQ, page 4

LEAD EDITORIAL: The case for a multiple sanction Honor system PAGE 11

N news

The Cavalier Daily

2

Graham friends, Council repaint Beta Fresh paint coat returns bridge to student use, students say Hannah, family would approve Kelly Kaler

Assistant Managing Editor

Three words painted across Beta Bridge helped to keep hope alive for 35 days: Bring Hannah Home.

Now more than two weeks since second-year College student Hannah Graham’s body was found, Second Year Council painted over the message Wednesday night, covering the cursive scrawl with a thick layer of neutral-toned paint at the request of Graham’s friends.

“I think it’s time,” said Graham’s friend Jenna Van Dyck, a third-year College student. “Beta Bridge is for everyone, all U.Va. students, and we’ve had our time on it and communicated our message. Now it’s time for it to be back to the use of U.Va. students.”

Van Dyck and other close friends initially painted the bridge the week after Graham’s Sept. 13 disappearance. With the confirmation that a memorial will be constructed at Graham’s high school in Fairfax, she said the bridge has served its temporary purpose.

Graham’s parents held out hope for their daughter’s safe return until her remains were officially identified Oct. 24.

"When we started this journey together we all hoped for a happier ending," the Grahams said in a statement that day. “Although we have lost our precious Hannah, the light she radiated can never be extin-

Marshall Bronfin | The Cavalier Daily

Friends of Hannah Graham, who painted the above message on Beta Bridge more than a month ago, covered it up yesterday evening.

guished. We will hold it in our hearts forever and it will help sustain us as we face a painful future without her."

Van Dyck said the Grahams were touched by the message painted on Beta Bridge.

“They’re really, really sweet and strong people,” she said. “I’m in contact with them, not as regularly as I was, but I still chat with them, and they’re holding up.”

A student memorial for Graham, constructed by Student Council and

Second Year Council Oct. 26, remains standing in front of the Whispering Wall.

Second Year Council President Abraham Axler, a College student, said the memorial will likely be taken down by the end of the month.

Previously, he said the memorial would be up “as long as it needs to be.”

“I think there comes a time where we move in tragedy from our initial reaction to how it is perma-

nently going to stay with us,” Axler said. “We’re now reflecting on ourselves and how we’re going to deal with this going forward.”

Van Dyck said she, along with Graham’s other friends, are thankful the University community left the bridge painted this long.

“Hannah would want other students to be able to show their U.Va. pride by painting the bridge,” she said. “It’s time to give the bridge space to other U.Va. students.”

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NEWS

Thursday, November 6, 2014

3

Strong Gillespie showing keeps race close

Virginia Republican recount request possible, Hurt wins VA-5 House race, retains seat, Republicans nationally hold clear Senate majority Katherine Wilkin Associate Editor

Republicans nationwide made a strong statement in yesterday’s 2014 midterm elections, taking control of the U.S. Senate in addition to numerous House seats and governorships.

In Virginia, Democratic incumbent Mark Warner holds the lead in the Virginia Senate race with 1,072,487 votes — about 49 percent of the electorate. This is only 12,150 more votes than Republican challenger Ed Gillespie, putting less than a one percent margin between the two candidates. Gillespie has not yet conceded the race, though Warner has claimed victory.

University Democrats President Katherine Bailey, a fourthyear College student, said Warner’s likely victory is important for the commonwealth.

“It’s very important to us that Warner keep his seat because he’s done such a great job so far,” Bailey said.

Nationally, Republicans gained more than the six Senate seats they needed to take a majority. College Republicans Chair Mac McClure, a third-year College student, said this shift is very beneficial.

“Right now in the Senate, the Republicans aren’t able to really propose any amendments — it’s completely party-lined,” McClure

said. “I think [we] will get a lot more bipartisanship and diversity of opinions than we do now.”

Bailey said Democrats expected this shift in Senate control, but she said she believes the shift may affect Warner less than the rest of the party.

“Warner has done a lot of work reaching out to Republicans throughout his political career,” Bailey said. “It’s still possible that he could get a lot done himself, but overall this wasn’t a great election for Democrats, as we anticipated.”

The election cycle was centered around the race for Senate control, Bailey said.

“We don’t see any key issues that everyone is talking about,” she said. “It’s much more about the politics and the party rather than about one big issue that we’re all uniting for or against.”

A recount is still possible in the race between Warner and Gillespie. According to Section 24.2-800 in the Code of Virginia, a losing candidate may call for a recount “if the difference between the apparent winning candidate and that apparent losing candidates is not more than one percent of the total votes cast for those two candidates.”

An apparent losing candidate has 10 calendar days from the certification date to file for a recount.

“I think it depends on the margin of victory,” McClure said

Republican Candidate Ed Gillespie has kept his race with Incumbent Democratic Senator Mark Warner close. With most of the votes in, fewer than 15,000 votes separate the two candidates.

when asked if Gillespie would ask for a recount.

As for the 5th District House seat, which includes Charlottesville, Republican incumbent Robert Hurt won against Democrat Lawrence Gaughan and third party candidates Paul Jones (Libertarian) and Kenneth Hildebrandt (Green Party) by a large margin. Hurt received 61 percent

Graphic by Anne Owen and Morgan Hale| The Cavalier Daily

of votes, surpassing Gaughan by 25 percent. Both Democrats and Republicans anticipated Hurt’s victory. “[Hurt] is constantly here talking to all sorts of people,” McClure said. “He’s really getting their opinions and he’s representing them perfectly well in Congress, and I think that’s what you see in the final results.”

Though Hurt’s victory was anticipated, Democrats maintain that control of the 5th District House seat in Virginia could change in coming elections. “[It] could change if we get a really great candidate in the

see SENATE, page 4

New Corner fence segment goes missing

Charlottesville Police launch vandalism investigation, City owns fence property, did not release repair time estimate Luc Cianfarani Senior Writer

Porter Dickie | The Cavalier Daily

A segment of the new fence by The Corner, above, went missing in the past few days. The fence around a railroad, which students had already sought to bypass, cost $200,000 to build.

A section of the newly built fence enclosing the railroad tracks between 15th street and a private parking lot on the Corner has gone missing.

Charlottesville Police Lieut. Stephen Upman said police trying to figure out what happened to the missing section of fence.

“There is an ongoing investigation into what happened to the fence,” Upman said in an email. “It is considered an act of vandalism.”

Students looking for a shortcut between the Corner area and central Grounds were circumventing the more than $200,000 fence even before a section went missing, since the structure was not built flush to an adjacent building and passing the tracks was still possible.

Since the fence is city property

the police do not know how much time will be needed to fix it. Upman said they will be fining anyone caught trespassing.

Upman said there has not been an increase in police presence around the tracks since the fence was erected.

“There is always a police presence around the University [and] Corner area but not to specifically [enforce] the fence issue,” Upman said. “If [trespassers] are seen by an officer doing so, they would be charged with Virginia Code section 18.2-159 (trespassing on railroad tracks is a class 4 misdemeanor).”

Third-year College student Rachel Murphy, chair of Council’s Safety and Wellness Committee, echoed Upman’s warnings about the legality of crossing the tracks.

“It’s illegal to cross [the railroad tracks],” Murphy said. “It is a public safety risk and a liability for the rail-

road companies”.

Murphy said she is not aware of any accidents in Charlottesville involving the train tracks, and she said Council recognizes the current solution for keeping Charlottesville residents off of the tracks is flawed. She said Council is working on proposing a more permanent solution, including the possibility of constructing a pedestrian crossing to allow residents to safely cross the tracks.

All proposals will have to go through the city’s Neighborhood Development Services, and Murphy said she is optimistic Council will be able to find a solution. She said Council is trying to look out for the students while also keeping in mind the interests of the University.

“We [Student Council] recognize the need for the fence, but we think there is a way to have a compromise,” Murphy said. “StudCo is definitely on the side of the students on this issue.”

4

NEWS

The Cavalier Daily

ABC increases alcohol prices to increase state, ABC revenue

Governor must approve markup, students say distilled spirits price increase could shift buying habbits, purchase additional beer Nick Porter Senior Writer

The Virginia Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control plans to raise the price of liquor sold in its stores in an effort to increase revenue. The income will jointly go toward the state budget and investing in ABC’s technology.

“ABC has aging business technology,” ABC spokesperson Becky Gettings said in an email.

“The additional funds [from the markup] will go towards the general fund, but ABC is also wanting to reinvest in its information technology.”

If the governor approves the measure as it stands, there will be a four percent markup on dis-

tilled spirits, Gettings said. This “I think students would keep Will Clark agreed. will be reflected as a two percent buying liquor regardless of how “An increase in the price of libottle price increase for the con- much the price fluctuates,” third- quor will lead to us spending less sumer. money elsewhere, This markup and probably won't would be added affect how much on top of the avwe spend on alcoerage 69 percent hol,” Clark said. markup already in Because the place on alcohol markup would fall sold in ABC stores exclusively on dis— which comes tilled spirits, secin addition to the ond-year College alcohol-specific tax student Price GilCourtesy Read the Hook levied by the state, lock said students which is 20 per- The Virginia Alcohol Beverage Control increased the price of alcohol to drive ABC revenue may simply shift and increase state budgets. cent. their alcohol prefA number of erences when the University students increase is implesaid the change would likely have year Nursing student Grace Bin- mented. little overall effect on student gol said.

“Honestly, it probably won't spending habits.

Third-year College student affect students' budgets all that

much ... some students may substitute liquor for cheaper beer, though,” Gillock said. “It's a pretty good strategy [by ABC] — unless you're an avid consumer of liquor, you're unlikely to notice a change, and if you are an avid consumer of liquor, you're unlikely to change your consumption habits.”

The exact markup is still being finalized by ABC and state officials. Regardless of the ultimate percentage, Gettings said that the increase will raise ABC returns to the state for years to come.

The last time ABC implemented a markup was Feb. 2008.

LGBTQ Student groups asks Roberts to add LGBT to application Continued from page 1 tion on the application would be a significant asset in data collection.

“We have a lot of resources for LGBTQ students on Grounds, but we don’t have any way to assess how well we are recruiting or retaining LGBTQ students,” Nenon said. “Whereas other minority groups get information about how many students and enter or leave the University from the application, we have no way to get an idea of whether we

are doing a great job or a terrible one. It’s important for promoting institutional accountability.”

Nenon said the demographic question would also send a strong message of support to potential students.

“Listing LGBT as an identity on the application lends it validity,” Nenon said. “It is something a lot of people in the community see as a demographic, not as an interest or extra information.”

Nenon said the committee has met with Dean of Admission Gregory Roberts as well at the Undergraduate Committee on

Admission. The Office of Admission, which has purview over application changes, has been receptive to the proposal and has indicated a desire to add the question to the fall 2015 application, Nenon said. The final decision will be made in June, when the application is designed.

Questions regarding gender identity were included for the first time in the most recent climate survey conducted by the University.

Claire Kaplan, director of gender violence and social change with the University

Women’s Center, said receptiveness to variations in identity are important in fostering a safe environment for the student body.

The inclusion of gender identity in the nondiscrimination policy, she said, is an important start.

“People with other kinds of identity issues, if they see this, see that [our] institution is clear about [its] policies,” Kaplan said. “Anyone who might have a particular identity — cultural, ethnic, racial, or other kind of identity — whenever they see the non-discrimination policy

and see the inclusion of gender identity, they see it as thinking ahead and thinking of others.

It’s willing to be welcoming to everyone.”

Ultimately, University administrators have said they will continue to explore options and outline policies to ensure the inclusion of gender identity in the non-discrimination policy is fully realized.

“We’re looking at doing it the correct way, in a way that is sustainable in policy as well as in practice,” Rheinheimer said.

SENATE Comstock defeats Foust, wins VA-10 House race Continued from page 3 future, or if the composition of the district changes,” Bailey said.

“If a big Democratic sweep were to happen again like in 2008, it could switch back over, but as of right now it seems like Hurt is pretty solidly in there.”

Another key vote in Virginia was the 10th District House seat, which represents parts of Fairfax and Prince William counties along with Loudoun County. In a

race for an open seat, Republican Barbara Comstock, a member of the Virginia House of Delegates, defeated Democrat John Foust and third-party candidates Bill Redpath (Libertarian), Dianne Blais (Green Party) and Brad Eickholt (Independent). House Speaker William J. Howell, RFredericksburg, released a statement of congratulations to Comstock and other Virginia House seat victors.

“Barbara has been a strong member of the House of Del-

egates and we hate to see her go, but know she will make a great member of Virginia’s already strong Congressional delegation,” Howell said. “The people of Virginia’s 10th District are fortunate to have a committed and tireless advocate like Barbara working on their behalf.”

Republicans maintained eight House of Representative seats in Virginia, while the Democrats held their three seats. In addition to Comstock, two other Virginians were elected to the House for

the first time: Republican David Brat in Virginia’s 7th District and Democrat Don Beyer in Virginia’s 8th District.

Virginians also passed the constitutional amendment referendum on the ballot with approximately 87 percent in favor.

The referendum allows spouses of military personnel killed in action to claim exemptions on property taxes.

“It is something that a lot of people will take seriously,” McClure said.

The referendum applies to surviving spouses whose partners were killed in action prior to the passing of the amendment, and will cease if the spouse remarries.

Prior to this referendum, only veterans with total disability were eligible for property tax exemption. “[This] is something that is obviously widely supported because we should be honoring our fallen servicemen and women,” Bailey said. “Not a lot of people are going to speak out against it.”

S

sports Grant Gossage Staff Writer

With his side trailing 21-10 to the Yellow Jackets in Atlanta last weekend, senior safety Anthony Harris reached high with his white-gloved hands and snagged what could have been a game-changing interception for the Virginia football team.

Set up for success on the Georgia Tech 25-yard line, sophomore quarterback Greyson Lambert then connected with sophomore Taquan Mizzell for a 20-yard gain. The math looked good: first down Cavaliers, and only five yards to paydirt.

But after two ineffective runs and an incomplete pass on third down, the Virginia offense gave way to junior placekicker Ian Frye, who converted the chip shot — his 17th field goal on 20 attempts this season — and cut the deficit to eight points.

By the end of the afternoon, Frye’s second-quarter field goal had produced the final points for the Cavaliers, Lambert had thrown two third-quarter interceptions within Georgia Tech territory and the running game had been shut down.

Senior running back Kevin Parks, who has proven explosive in recent weeks, finished with a mere 13 yards on 5 carries. His sidekick, fellow senior Khalek Shepherd, managed to gain only 15 yards on the ground.

The Georgia Tech offense possessed the football for nearly 40 minutes, amassing 413 total yards on offense — 272 of those on the ground. Consequently, the final score stood Georgia Tech 35, Virginia 10, continuing the Cavaliers’ skid into November.

“I mean, it is tough losing three in a row, especially with the start we had,” senior tight end Zachary Swanson said. “But in my mind, those games — even going back to Pitt — were ones where we had to start fast and we had to finish strong. …

None of those games we finished strong.”

Thursday, November 6, 2014

5

Cavs face off against No. 2 Florida State After three-game losing streak, Virginia looks to upset reigning national champions Seminoles Virginia will be without senior wide receiver Miles Gooch the rest of the way. After suffering a injury during the second quarter of the Oct. 25 North Carolina game, Gooch required season-ending surgery which could prove career-ending as well.

“It’s been tough for me seeing Miles on the sideline on crutches,” Swanson said. “He’s a guy that’s worked extremely hard over his five years here and started having a lot of success, and [has] been a critical part of our team.”

The Cavaliers (4-5, 2-3 ACC), staring adversity straight in the face, will now prepare for their toughest test of the season.

The No. 2 Florida State Seminoles eagerly await Virginia for a Saturday homecoming game in Tallahassee under the lights.

Dating back to 1992, the Seminoles have won 13 of 17 games — a 2006 win vacated — versus the Cavaliers. In 2011, their most recent meeting, Virginia upset Florida State 14-13 in Tallahassee. But the Cavaliers stand to act as more than a spoiler this Saturday.

“We've got to play our best football game against a really good football team,” coach Mike London said. “We need to, and we've shown that we can, and that's the expectation.”

An upset of the Seminoles Saturday could certainly turn around the Cavalier collapse. It would bolster the players’ confidence, reinvigorate the team’s fanbase and bring the program within a single win of bowl eligibility.

“Three games left and the opportunity to be — to still realize some of the goals you set for yourself this season, they're still there,” London said. “This is an older team that realizes we have to make the most of our opportunities.”

London said the team understands they must return to and even exceed early season form against Florida State — a team which, as the defending national champion, is used to receiving every team’s best shot.

“We have to play better the

Ryan O’Connor | The Cavalier Daily

Senior safety Anthony Harris’ interception against Georgia Tech offered Virginia its strongest chance to score last weekend. The squad looks to put together strong second-half offensive production when it travels to Florida State Saturday.

second half,” London said. “We have to score points when we get in the red zone. We have to coach better. We have to create those turnovers. Those things we can control, and if you can do those things … you can control your own destiny.”

But the Seminoles have talent which can wipe away their opponent’s self-determination.

At the head of the team is 2013 Heisman Trophy Winner sophomore quarterback Jameis Winston, who has recorded 2279 yards and 16 touchdowns in the passing game this season.

“You've seen in a few games that he's played that he's brought his team back from deficits,” London said. “He's amazingly accurate. He is an emotional guy that lifts his team up … and

he's playing with a good football team that's surrounding him with a lot of good talent.”

Winston’s primary offensive threats include senior running back Karlos Williams, freshman running back Dalvin Cook and senior wide receiver Rashad Greene.

Williams and Cook have been an impressive backfield tandem, combining for 830 rushing yards, 219 receiving yards and 12 touchdowns. Meanwhile, the nimble Greene — a battle-tested veteran — has hauled in 58 passes for 853 yards.

Seminole talent does not end with Winston and his trio of go-to-guys though, as the team flaunts an arsenal of top-notch, versatile athletes.

“There's so many different

things that they do that you have to respect their speed and their athleticism,” London said. “But again, you don't shy away from anyone. You want to be the best.

You've got to play the best.”

Playing under the lights, in front of a hostile crowd and nationally-televised audience, all against a team that has not lost in the past 24 games, the 19-point underdog Cavaliers will have reason to be fired up.

“We know we have to bring our A-plus game,” Swanson said.

“It’s going to be a tough game.

But it’s a great opportunity for us.”

Kickoff between Virginia and Florida State is scheduled for 6:30 p.m. Saturday at Doak Campbell Stadium in Tallahassee, Florida, and will be aired on

6

The Cavalier Daily

Virginia preps for ACC Tournament opener

SPORTS

Swanson, team seek third straight win against rival North Carolina Jacob Hochberger Associate Editor

With the regular season in the rearview mirror for the fourthranked Virginia women’s soccer team, the Cavaliers now face one of their toughest tests in the first round of the ACC tournament this weekend.

Virginia (17-1, 9-1 ACC) travels to Greensboro, North Carolina as the third seed in the ACC tournament, taking on the secondseeded North Carolina Tar Heels (12-2-2, 9-0-1 ACC), who present one of the most difficult challenges thus far this season for the Cavaliers.

“We’ve got a very strong opponent in North Carolina,” coach Steve Swanson said. “Obviously we play them a lot over our time. We know what to expect, we know it’s going to be a difficult game — so we’re very focused on that.”

The two teams have squared off 41 times in storied rivalry, with the Tar Heels leading 35-33 — though Virginia is unbeaten (3-0-1) in matchups since 2011,

and is confident as the team looks to avenge last year’s heartbreaking end to the season.

“For the girls that are on the team now that were on the team last year, I think we all have a little bit more grit inside to win,” sophomore midfielder Alexis Shaffer said. “Last year, we lost in the semis and this year we want to win at North Carolina and move on.”

While this game marks only the semifinals and precedes the NCAA tournament, it may present the hardest game — or at least second-hardest — the Cavaliers will play as they look to capture the program’s first-ever national championship.

“The ACC is such a strong conference and I think we’re lucky to be in it,” junior forward Makenzy Doniak said. “It prepares us for the NCAA tournament because we face amazing competition, and we’re going to face amazing competition this weekend.”

And while Virginia has had an incredibly impressive regular season — ranking second in the nation with 3.5 goals scored per game — the team has not been particu-

Men’s soccer wins in clash against Hokies Virginia advances to face No. 1 seed Notre Dame in ACC Quarterfinals Sunday

Lauren Hornsby | The Cavalier Daily

Junior midfielder Todd Wharton converted a penalty kick to score the lone goal in the first ACC matchup against in-state rival Hokies.

larly strong on the road, with its sole loss coming at Florida State and the offense averaging more than 2.0 goals fewer away from home. Though Friday’s matchup in Greensboro may be billed as a neutral site, it will likely feel like a road environment for Virginia.

“We’ve got to do well playing away from home as well if we want to reach all of our goals,” Swanson said. “We recognize that, and we’re excited about the opportunity ahead of us and excited about the game on Friday.”

The Cavaliers have been enjoying a stretch of truly impressive play bolstered by the return of star senior midfielder Morgan Brian, who was away playing for the U.S. Women’s National Team for much of the season. Her impact was felt immediately upon her return — Brian scored two goals in last Saturday’s 6-1 win against Pittsburgh.

“We’ve been playing well together ever since Morgan’s got back from camp,” Shaffer said. “She’s been that final piece that’s made us all play really well together.”

Even before Brian’s return, though, Virginia’s upperclassmen

leaders stepped up, bringing the team together despite a roster featuring nine new players and five losses from last year’s team.

“I think we’ve done a good job this season getting this team focused,” Doniak said. “Working on our chemistry on away trips and growing together. I think those

Robert Elder

way.”

Just as in their previous match in September where Virginia outshot the Hokies 18-4, the Cavalier offense reigned supreme — this time outshooting Virginia Tech 20-9. Senior midfielder Eric Bird took the first of Virginia’s 12 first half shots less than 60 seconds into the game.

After two-consecutive shots from junior forward Darius Madison, Virginia found its first of several near misses in the 12th minute.

Sophomore midfielder Nick Corriveau sent a cross from right to left to a cutting sophomore forward Riggs Lennon, who saw his header bounce off the crossbar.

One minute later, the Cavaliers had another play they would want to re-try when Bird anticipated a run by Wharton and hit him in stride behind the Hokie defense. In a one-one situation with the goalkeeper, Wharton’s shot went inches wide of the right post.

“That’s what we’ve been going through the whole year,” Gelnovatch said. “The last time we played Virginia Tech we should have scored two goals in the first half too, and it would have taken care of the game.”

Even as the Cavalier offense stole the show by taking the first six shots, the Virginia defense made a number of significant plays as the half wound down.

Associate Editor

Virginia men’s soccer notched a 1-0 victory against Virginia Tech Wednesday night in the ACC Men’s Soccer Championship held at Klöckner Stadium.

The game presented a showcase of the intensity that both fans and players alike have come to expect from the commonwealth’s premier soccer rivalry. With regular season matchups always physical, the teams’ first-ever postseason meeting proved no different.

In a match that featured five yellow cards, a red-card and a missing front tooth for senior defender Kyler Sullivan, the Cavaliers had their depth and composure tested. Fortunately, they passed.

Junior midfielder Todd Wharton converted a penalty kick for No. 15 Virginia (10-5-2, 4-3-2 ACC) in the 55th minute, which ultimately proved sufficient to take down Virginia Tech (7-8-2, 2-6-1) for the second time this season.

Virginia will now advance to the quarterfinals of the ACC tournament Sunday. “[Coach] George [Gelnovatch] actually said that might be our hardest game of the tournament,” Wharton said. “Just mentally and physically, knowing it’s a rivalry game, it’s good to get that out of the

girls have really meshed well with the upperclassmen and the second years, so I don’t think we really have a problem with that.”

The Cavaliers first round matchup will kickoff at 8 p.m. against the fifth-ranked Tar Heels.

The game will air live online on ESPN3.

The Virginia women’s soccer team is looking for a deep run in post-season play. Junior forward Makenzy Doniak has helped bring the squad’s regular season offensive production to second best in the nation.

Lauren Hornsby | The Cavalier Daily

Senior goalkeeper Calle Brown snagged a high save in the 18th minute and then stopped a pointblank header off a Hokie corner in the 30th minute en route to four first-half saves. Sullivan and fellow senior defender Ryan Zinkhan also made acrobatic plays to halt Hokie possessions.

Still, the first half felt all too familiar to Virginia — stout defense yet missed scoring opportunities again provoked frustration among the Klöckner faithful. Seven different Cavaliers took shots — including four by Darius Madison — with nothing to show for their dominant effort.

“We’re doing all of the little things right,” Gelnovatch said.

“Hopefully, just through pure odds, one of those is going to go in and it’s going to be really good for us.”

And in the 55th minute, luck finally turned in the Cavaliers’ favor.

Madison hugged the left goal line to beat his man and chip a ball to Lennon, whose header was tipped and clanked off the right post. But with Virginia Tech senior goalkeeper Ben Lockler out of position, Hokie junior defender Brad Vorv was forced to foul Virginia freshman midfielder Jake Rozhansky in the box to prevent a shot on

see M SOCCER, page 73

SPORTS

Thursday, November 6, 2014

7

Diaz-Yi named ACC Women’s Golfer of the Month

Courtesy Virginia Athletics

Sophomore Lauren Diaz-Yi has finished in the top-15 in all but one tournament this season.

After an incredible October, Virginia sophomore Lauren Diaz-Yi was named ACC Women’s Golfer of the Month Wednesday afternoon.

Diaz-Yi posted her first ever tournament victory at the Tar Heel Invitational Oct. 10-12, leading the field by four strokes with a career-best 7-under 209. Her final round 69 tied her career-low 18-hole score.

With the win, she became just

the sixth Cavalier ever to claim medalist honors at an event, tying the Virginia tournament scoring record for a sophomore but coming one stroke short of matching the program-best 54hole score.

At the Landfall Tradition later in the month, Diaz-Yi recorded another strong result, finishing in 14th with a 1-over 217. She posted a 71.0 scoring average for the month, and is

fifth among all ACC golfers with a 72.1 on the season. Through four tournaments this fall, Diaz-Yi has finished outside the top-15 just once, at the seasonopening Cougar Classic.

The Cavaliers have concluded play for 2014, and will return to action Feb. 8-10 at the UCF Challenge in Orlando, Florida.

—compiled by Peter Nance

Comparing Virginia football to its 1995 counterpart Can Virginia pull off an up- ponents in a span of three-plus set? If it plays anything like it years prior to Nov. 2, 1995, when did in 1995, the Semithe Cavaliers beat the noles had better watch Seminoles 33-28 in an Chanhong Luu out. upset of their own.

Sports Columnist A trip down With injuries on memory lane shows the defensive side, the a matchup eerily similar to one Cavaliers relied on their offense 19 years ago. The Cavaliers ar- with tailback Tiki Barber and guably should be 6-3 this sea- quarterback Mike Groh runson, the same record they had ning past Florida State’s defense, in 1995 when they upset unde- which only started three seniors. feated Florida State, ranked No. Barber would finish with 193 2 at the time. yards and a two touchdowns, as Florida State has won 10 of Groh added 302 yards and three the last 12 games in the rivalry touchdowns through the air. On since that incredible upset. The the opposing side, Florida State Cavaliers last beat the Seminoles targeted the injury-laden Cavain 2011, which also happens to liers with multiple deep passes be the last season they went to a by quarterback Danny Kanell. bowl. With a win against Florida This year, the Cavaliers have State this Saturday, the Cavaliers a trio of running backs to rely would be just one win away from on, which you can read more returning to the post-season. about in Ryan Taylor’s column, Florida State upset 29 straight “Spread the Love.” Seniors Atlantic Coast Conference op- Khalek Shepherd and Kevin

Parks and sophomore Taquan Mizzell will have to do better than the 33 yards they combined for an 11 attempts last weekend against Georgia Tech to counter the number one offense in the ACC. And though the ‘95 Seminoles had a great athlete behind center with Kanell, they are now led by one of the best collegiate quarterbacks we’ve ever seen: redshirt sophomore quarterback Jameis Winston. Florida State is starting more than three seniors this year, but they are currently last in the league in sacks made.

Now let me return to the 1995 game, with both Virginia and Florida State’s offenses clicking, the first half alone produced 718 total offensive yards and 48 points — with Virginia taking a 27-21 lead.

Florida State’s potent offense was averaging 56.1 points a

game going into the contest, but the Cavaliers only allowed one score in the second half. The defense, led by Tiki’s twin brother, Ronde Barber, along with Tony Dingle and Jon Harris were able to sack Kanell on consecutive plays. Kanell had only been sacked three times in the entire season.

Virginia is faltering in second-half scoring this year, as you can see in another one of Ryan’s columns. The Cavaliers had only scored six second-half points in their last three games before Georgia Tech, and that didn’t change last weekend. Thus, the Cavaliers will need their strong defense led by sophomore outside linebacker Max Valles, senior middle linebacker Henry Coley, and senior strong safety Anthony Harris more than ever before. (One last plug for one of Ryan’s columns.)

At the end, in a moment that felt like déjà vu for the Cavaliers, who had lost to powerhouses Michigan and Texas earlier in the season by one point due to game-saving final plays by the opponent, the Seminoles still had one play and one inch to go to avoid the upset.

But the underdogs prevailed.

Warrick Dunn was stopped one inch from the goal line on the last play of the game, to give Virginia a historic upset.

With the win, Virginia knocked Florida State out of the national title race, and with the advent of the College Football Playoff this year, it is quite possible a Virginia upset this year will do the same. If not, though, Cavalier fans will get to experience the happiness and joy that comes with beating a national powerhouse.

M SOCCER Tough game yields victory, Cavs to face Notre Dame Continued from page 6

the open net.

Wharton had a chance to redeem himself from earlier, and he did. Lockler guessed left and Wharton went right — giving the Cavaliers a well-earned 1-0 advantage.

“That’s usually where I go, so that’s where I planned on going,” Wharton said. “I saw the goalie

move a little bit early, so I just stuck with my gut.”

The Hokies were already shorthanded after freshman forward Ricardo John, their leading scorer, left the game with an injury just three minutes in. But Virginia’s task was made easier in the 65th minute.

With the Cavaliers moving the ball upfield, Virginia Tech freshman midfielder Merlin Baus slid in and violently took down Zinkhan

in front of the Virginia bench. Officials momentarily stopped the game to calm the skirmish and deal Baus a red card, forcing the Hokies to play undermanned the rest of the way out.

“I saw the whole thing right in front of me,” Gelnovatch said. “It was a bad tackle.”

As the half progressed, Virginia focused more on staying collected — which continued to prove difficult. But by substituting their for-

wards and midfielders in and out, the Cavaliers proved to be up for the challenge.

Virginia could not connect on a few opportunities, including breakaways by Madison and sophomore forward Sam Hayward and a 30-yard blast from Wharton. But the defense — as it has all season — held strong, with Brown collecting saves in the 77th and 84th minutes, allowing the Cavaliers to fight another day in the ACC tour-

nament.

“This is a game you just have to get through,” Gelnovatch said.

“It’s probably the matchup I would have picked the least just because of the rivalry and all the stuff that goes along with it. But we got through it, we got the win and a nice proper three-day rest too.”

Virginia will next travel to face the ACC tournament’s No. 1 seed Notre Dame Sunday. Kickoff is scheduled for 1 p.m.

The Cavalier Daily

A&E

8

Prof. Stephen Cushman discusses

arts & entertainment

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Latest poetic work from Robert C. Taylor English Professor offers commentary on modern life Noah Zeidman Senior Writer

Following his 2011 collection of short poems, “Riffraff,” English Prof.

Stephen Cushman has released a book-length poem titled “The Red List.” An in-depth exploration of endangerment and modernity, “The Red List” is rich with insight about human interaction in the modern age. Cushman will read from “The Red List” at the University Bookstore with English Prof. Lisa Russ Spaar Thursday, Nov. 6 at 5:30 p.m.

Arts & Entertainment spoke with Cushman about his poetic process, his views on modern society and technology, and even the word “bae.”

Arts & Entertainment: “The Red List” begins and ends with eagles. What about the eagle, exactly, made it so compelling to you as a bookend to the poem?

Stephen Cushman: There’s nothing figurative about it. In my case it was very literal. The setting for that first eagle, and for many of them subsequently, is the coast of Maine where my family spent a lot of time. In the early ‘60s, when we started to spend time in Maine, the bald eagle was all but gone. Now, it’s back in abundance, and they’re quite beautiful — they’re just very striking. I’ve been fascinated by them in the last few years, and as I got thinking about them more and more I began to see them as this emblem of endangerment, recovered. Endangerment, recovered became then a larger metaphor for lots of things in the poem. The first line of the poem is, “Endangerment’s foreplay on the route to extinction.” But then the next line says, “Often but not always,” as in the bald eagle. The bald eagle is then the hopeful story. If you’re endangered, you hope to end up being a bald eagle and recover.

A&E: What sorts of cultural or social phenomena, then, do you extend endangerment to?

SC: There are overlapping layers of endangerment. There’s certainly the environmental endangerment.

Another level is the story of a particular young man, and the endangerments that he’s in, but then he also becomes, I think, a kind of part for the whole for young people in general. It seems to me paralleling the environmental emergency of our

moment, there’s a social emergency of our moment, and I think it has a lot to do with young people. This, in turn, parallels an economic emergency of our moment: where are you guys gonna go, how are you going to fit in? I’m old enough now that it looks as though I’ve done okay — I may not be alive tomorrow but I did okay up ‘til now. You’re at the beginning and you’re trying to figure out how you fit in, what’s gonna be your place. … There is a kind of sense of uncertainty, unease, at times confusion, about what’s gonna be available for you and what kind of world you’re looking at.

The [new] technology [is something] I have a love-hate relationship with. On the one hand, I can sit here and search a library anywhere in the world, how can I not like that? On the other hand, I wonder about the ways in which technology endangers, let’s say, some of our habits of reading, our habits of attention. It’s also my sense that even digital natives are beginning to question, what are the implications of all the gadgets for, let’s say, social life? What are the implications of all the gadgets for many kinds of social experience?

Are they enhancements of experience, are they distractions from experiences, are they blockages?

A&E: With this in mind, then, would you consider your outlook on endangerment, and on technology, to be cynical?

SC: I hope not. The etymology of cynic is dog — cunos, a canine, just sort of a growling, negative person.

What I would say is skeptic. I would hope [I have] a kind of healthy skepticism, because the way technology is presented to us is, “It’s gonna save everything; it makes everything better; it makes everything easier.”

The University is all going over to technology — more and more of your work is going to be online. ...

But I also want to say, “wait a minute.” What about certain kinds of person-to-person intimacy? What about certain kinds of — and here’s a big one — relations to the natural world?

A&E: Do you think the sorts of social endangerments created by technology can be recovered, like the eagle?

SC: Technology’s not going anywhere. It’s here. Anybody who sits around grumbling — you lose, buddy. The question is: how do we live

with it? I can give you a solid example: Michael Levenson and I lecture in a big course, ENGL 3830, and we noticed a couple years ago nobody was paying attention. So, like DDT, we banned them [technology]. The class has improved. The quality of attention is better. So there would be a moment of endangerment that seems to have recovered. At least their heads are up.

A&E: You reference the Bible repeatedly throughout the poem, and it tends to contrast sharply with many other elements of modernity.

Can you explain a bit about your choice to include so many Biblical allusions?

SC: The short answer is that the Bible is something I read daily. It’s important to me. It’s a part of the soundtrack of my life. So I can’t help but hear echoes and resonances in other things. But I think the bigger — what we’re really talking about — part of the poem is about the apparently sharp divide between the old or ancient, the new and modern.

Does the new and the modern render extinct the old and the ancient?

Does the fact you can text mean we don’t need the Bible? What I would say is, no, it can’t mean that. We’ve had some parts of the Bible for 3,000 years. The world has had plenty of technology emerge within 3,000 years. It looks as though the Bible is here to stay. What’s interesting is how you then accommodate the two. How does the Scriptural comment on, enhance, illuminate the ephemeral, the passing, the recent, the contemporary? And how does the recent and contemporary illuminate the ancient?

I mean if you’re going to read it and younger people are going to read it, you’re going to have to find your own relationship to it. I have the Bible on my Kindle — there’s a good para-

dox right there!

A&E: Did you encounter any challenges, then, in using modern terms like “texting” in a poetic context? You don’t often find slang like that in literary contexts, but your use of it feels very natural.

SC: One of the things is, I love slang. I love the range. I love formal, long, classical words, but I love bits of vernacular, like the one I just learned from a class this summer — “bae.” I’d never heard that. But I go, “Wow!” and you find out what that means, and then that’s old hat, and there’s always something else and so on. To me, language is material.

So the lingo of the digital world [is something] I find endlessly suggestive.

A&E: Can you talk a little about the poetic structure you chose?

The use of haiku interspersed between long blocks of text seems very unique.

SC: The model is [from] the 17th century Japanese poet Basho.

He wrote poetic diaries. The technical term is “haibun.” So he would write prose, and then a haiku. Prose, haiku. We [tend to] think of Basho as the master of haiku, but in fact what he really, for me, is the master of is this combination. So that’s the archetype. I don’t need prose, I just have blocks of long lines, and then there’s the little pit stop, [an] oasis [of] haiku. It gives you a chance to breathe, gives you a chance to calm down a little bit, [like a] kind of punctuation.

A&E: Your previous works of poetry have been collections of

short poems. What influenced your choice to write a book-length poem this time?

SC: It’s always an ambition I’ve had. In the classical and Renaissance world, the understood training of a poet was a poet started as a lyric poet, but then became an epic poet. I think some sort of epic ambition has always been there for me. The other thing is that, having written a lot of short poems with clever, snappy closure, I began to be a little skeptical of them and their ability to accommodate the large, messy uncertainty of our world. Not everything comes to a neat close all the time. There are things on your mind and my mind that are ongoing and a nice little tight finish feels a little bit false.

A&E: Ultimately, do you feel the poem mostly reflects your personal experiences, or does it rely more upon observation?

SC: I’d say the full recipe would be: personal feeling, observation of the world around, imagination and reading — including online reading.

I mean, I couldn’t have written this book without the Internet, because there’s so much stuff I looked up. …

So there’s also a personal subject, a personal observer, a personal reader — and all those things go together.

What I like is small to big, big to small, micro to macro, macro to micro, back and forth. That’s certainly an environmental ethic. Anything we do here has larger repercussions.

Anything happening there has larger implications down here.

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

Thursday, November 6, 2014

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New EP from Kate Voegele shows maturity Former ‘One Tree Hill’ star visited Charlottesville Wednesday

Abby Boucher Staff Writer

She got her start on MySpace, had the chance to tour with the likes of John Mayer and became a series regular on the hit teenage drama “One Tree Hill.” Edgy yet sweet, with a signature alternative-pop sound, Kate Voegele has a diverse and dedicated fanbase.

After a three-year hiatus, Voegele will release her new EP, “Wild Card,” this week before kicking off her 2014 tour with a stop in Charlottesville Wednesday at The Southern.

“I basically needed to regain creative control of my career, and I wanted to give myself time to sonically soul search,” Voegele said of her break from the music scene. “I traveled like crazy, wrote hundreds of songs, and moved my home base from LA to Nashville,”

After a period of soul searching, Voegele said her music has evolved.

“More than anything I've become much more comfortable with raw honesty and vulnerability, and I felt like this batch of songs was a good introduction to that,” she said. “I also wanted to have a little diversity sonically, so there's a nice mix of up-tempo, driving beats and softer, more atmospheric elements.”

Her EP’s first offering, “Just Watch Me,” lives up to her new vision, showcasing a commitment to experimenting with new styles.

“In general, I've just gotten a lot bolder as a writer and I'm much more unafraid to take risks in the arrangements and the lyrics now, which I love,” Voegele said.

Most fans learned of her music from featured tracks on “One Tree Hill,” an experience she said she values to this day.

“It was an amazing loudspeaker for my music and was huge for me as a musician, but it was also just an awesome time of personal growth and new friendships,” she said.

Voegele recently attended the CW show’s cast reunion in Paris.

“We had a big group dinner and went out afterward, and I probably laughed harder than I have in a long time,” she said.

As she prepares for her Charlottesville show, Voegele said she has a long-standing connection to the down — her husband was a University lacrosse player.

“He's given me a great tour of the town a few times,” she said. “I love the quaint character of the town; it's so picturesque.”

That familiarity will only ensure Voegele fully embraces her bold style Wednesday, as fans can rest assured the artist has a few wild cards up her sleeve for the performance.

The musician who rose to fame after her music was featured on “One Tree Hill” is coming to Charlottesville. The singersongwriter says she loves the area and her husband was a University lacrosse player.

Courtesy Kate Voegele

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ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

The Cavalier Daily

Traveling through time with Postmodern Jukebox Scott Bradlee, Postmodern Jukebox prove entertaining, innovative

Tamar Ziff Staff Writer

Scott Bradlee and Postmodern Jukebox prove entertaining and innovative Many in New York City have made fortunes with quick fingers, a keyboard piano and a devotion to jazz music. Scott Bradlee has not been so lucky.

A self-described “aspiring jazz pianist” from Queens, Bradlee long eschewed modern popular music in favor of what he considered superior, more complex tunes.

Long before he came to The Jefferson Theater in downtown Charlottesville Oct. 27, Bradlee’s enthusiasm for the genre led him to create a series of YouTube videos in an attempt to garner recognition of his talent — which he has in abundance — and perhaps eventually make money, of which he had little.

After accumulating a considerable number of views, Bradlee began receiving requests for piano covers of the songs he had so assiduously avoided, and, in exploring the Top 40 universe, he realized that an exclusive fidelity to traditional jazz was somewhat

Lauren Connelly | The Cavalier Daily

parochial.

Popular music, though perhaps musically simplistic, “resonate[s] with the culture of our times,” Bradlee says on the website for the band born out of a desire to cater to popular culture.

And so he came to create Postmodern Jukebox — a reconciliation of pop culture and lyrical memes and a more qualitative vocal and instrumental sound.

With a shifting cast of standing bass, trombone, oboe, drums, keyboard and a series of rotating male and female vocalists, Postmodern Jukebox remains more of a band than a brand — a difficult find in today’s commodified culture.

The band’s recent gig at The Jefferson was evidence of this.

It was also a testament to the power of human skill and talent, unadulterated by the dizzying flash and color of modern, technologically-enhanced musical performances.

Walking onto the sloped hardwood floor of the stately Jefferson a little before 8 p.m., the audience was greeted by a troupe of swing dancers, stepping and spinning in time to the upbeat brass music popular in the United States during the early 20th century. This dance — the figures agile, athletic and incredibly fluid — set the tone for the rest of the evening. We were no longer in the age of the “grind,” the apathetic head bob or the twostep shuffle, but rather an era of the spin and carry, of sharp turns and swift steps, the contrived and coordinated.

After 15 minutes of talented

frenzy, the dancers bowed out, audience members crowded toward the stage at the far end of the hall and the show began.

Band members assumed their positions behind various instruments, and a woman in a slinky silver dress — regular Postmodern member Robyn Adele Anderson — approached the microphone.

Anderson crooned across three songs — covering Jason Derulo’s “Wiggle” and two other popular choices — before being replaced by singer Ashley Stroud, who in turn was followed

by Cristina Gatti.

Each had a particular voice fitted to her song choices. Gatti sports a rich, low timbre akin to that of Amy Winehouse, and brought down the hall with a slow, sexy rendition of Britney Spears’ “Womanizer.” Stroud, meanwhile, has a smooth tone with a wider range, and sang everything from Iggy Azalea’s “Fancy” to TLC’s “Waterfalls.”

Anderson’s voice, it seemed, was the most suited to modern pop standards. From Macklemore’s “Thrift Shop” to Miley Cyrus’ “We Can’t Stop,” her voice and on-stage charisma managed to make even the tautology of Jason Derulo’s “Wiggle” into a unique production.

Postmodern Jukebox covered all of bases, paying tribute to Ke$ha, Ellie Goulding, Nicki Minaj and — in a wonderful series of cameos by YouTube singing sensation Vaughn Lee “Von” Smith — Magic! and Taylor Swift.

All songs were musically reformatted — modern lyrics over-

laid doo-wop, vintage Motown, blues and bluegrass styles in a wondrous and refreshing take on the songs played and replayed at parties and on the radio.

After hour and a half of play, Scott Bradlee thanked the crowd, and the whole band took to the stage to waves of applause.

In a sense, Postmodern Jukebox caters to Western society’s eternal idealization of times past. Our age-old resistance to change, compounded by the existential questions raised by the development of digital technology, has led to an overpowering nostalgia for a time we have never lived in.

But Postmodern Jukebox ultimately does not encourage a rejection of the music of the modern age. In incorporating modern lyrics, it gives the necessary nod to pop culture — which, trite and superficial as it may seem, is pop for a reason.

And yet, Postmodern Jukebox shows musical forays within this brave new world need not necessitate a reckless abandonment of things past. Likewise, an exasperation with digitally enhanced songs and lyrics lauding “dat ass,” must not lead to a blanket rejection of modern music. There is a reason we nod our heads along, a reason we are prompted to belt out, “My anaconda don’t want none” and subsequently shake our buns (hon).

Postmodern Jukebox is a testament to both human ingenuity and musical skill — dislocating popular culture from temporal constraints and broadening it to mean more than what’s new on iTunes.

The paving of ‘Fifth Street’ Student filmmakers earn spot at Virginia Film Festival Sam Henson Staff Writer

‘’In early October, the Virginia Film Festival selected short film “Fifth Street” to screen before centerpiece film “5 to 7.”

This announcement marked a big achievement for the independent film — a project by a team of fourth-year College students made up of director and writer Brendan Rijke, producers Shane Dutta and Niki Afsar, production designers Chris and Alex Lumain and actors Mary Claire Davis and Dan Barr, with an original “psychological” score composed by Craig Hunter.

“Fifth Street” focuses on lead-

character Adele (Davis) as she looks to pinpoint her conception of self while trapped in her small hometown with long-time boyfriend Alex (Barr.) Filming for the piece started last May, shortly after the academic year concluded, and the team worked to shoot the film from start to finish in three days after weeks of preparation and rehearsal. During production, the team lived out of Rijke’s house in Warrenton, Virginia.

“Filming was pretty surreal,” Dutta said. “At night, we just spent time cultivating the emotional nuances of the film by sharing our references, exchanging ideas and sharing films with each other. It was sort of this creative hub that we lived in for

a few days.”

After filming concluded, Rijke spent two-and-a-half months editing the film to meet the Virginia Film Festival deadline.

As other short films heard back from the VFF, Rijke eagerly waited for a call. After much anticipation, programmer Wesley Harris called Rijke with the good news.

“That was pretty crazy, to be honest,” Rijke said. “I mean, it was in the back of our minds while we were in production — a dream to be a part of the shorts program at the VFF. [‘Fifth Street’] will now be able to reach a much bigger audience at the Paramount.”

The excitement quickly spread to other members of the team.

“I got off of work the day we

found out and had six missed calls from Brendan — so I had an idea that something was up,” Dutta said. “There have been a number of times during this whole process where the stars have just aligned and made things possible.”

Rijke and the team have continued promoting “Fifth Street” since, running a successful Kickstarter which has allowed the film to be submitted to a number of additional festivals, including some on a national level.

From start to finish, Rijke said he could only describe the nine-month process as “exhausting.” Still, he hinted at another potential project in the future.

"You know, we all have one year left [here at U.Va.],” Rijke

Courtesy Kickstarter

said. “We are never going to get the opportunity to be around so many young people that are this creative again, and we would like to use this momentum towards something special.”

O

Thursday, November 6, 2014

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LEAD EDITORIAL

Act, knowledge, insignificance

opinion

Honor should implement a multiple sanction system

Comment of the day “Yik Yak just exposes the real nature of the average student at UVa. The administration can claim the University is a welcoming place to any and everybody, but Yik Yak clearly shows that this is not true. The UVa administration is propagandizing.”

“Rob” responding to Sasha Wan’s Nov. 3 column, “Suffering from stereotypes.”

In 1971, a University student who stole cans of soda from a vending machine was charged with an honor offense, found guilty, and asked to leave the University. Public outcry led the Honor Committee to nullify the verdict the next day. Since then, students at the University have been engaged in a debate over the single sanction system, which continued Wednesday evening at the Honor Committee and Sustained Dialogue’s discussion.

Proponents of the single sanction argue it creates and preserves an ideal Community of Trust, in which people are deterred from lying, cheating and stealing because they believe these acts are intolerable in this community. And they know that a conviction for these violations would result in expulsion. Fear of expulsion could be a powerful deterrent, but an honor system should foster trust, not anxiety. As much as the single sanction is supposed to deter lying, cheating and stealing, it also deters student and faculty buyin. Members of the community feel honor offenses can fall on a scale of severity, but the single-sanction cannot be a proportional response to offenses that fall on the lower end.

The jury in an Honor trial has the power to decide whether a student is

guilty on the basis of act, knowledge and significance. Committee Chair Nicholas Hine said almost no trials end with a verdict of not guilty on the basis of significance, because if the act had been insignificant, it would not have been reported in the first place. We could trust this informal system of deciding the significance of an act before it is even reported, or we could consider the possibility that the single sanction encourages potential reporters to categorize acts as insignificant too liberally.

Even if the single sanction did not impact reporting, another flaw is that it does not allow for nuances in the severity of student offenses.

Sending your iClicker to lecture with a friend would get the same punishment as handing in a final paper which was completely copied from the Internet. It is possible that one jury could find the iClicker offense insignificant and impose no punishment, while a different jury could expel a student who committed the same offense. In a multiplesanction system, the outcomes could move from two extreme ends toward a more tempered middle ground.

Juries may never be completely consistent with their verdicts, but a variety of punishments could lessen the disparity of sanctions for similar

actions.

It is also possible a jury’s finding on whether an act was significant could be influenced by the single sanction. Jury members after their trials are asked to answer questionnaires about whether their decisions would have been different if there were no single sanction. Most answer no, but some say yes. Though students have to say they would be willing to apply the single sanction in order to sit on a jury, it seems as though the theory of applying it is easier than the practice.

There are acts which would not be deemed significant enough for expulsion, but that does not mean they deserve no punishment whatsoever. Some acts are severe enough to conclude we do not want the student in our community anymore, but there should be a middle ground in which discipline is warranted, but so is a second chance. As University students, we are constantly engaged in a learning process, and lapses in judgment are bound to occur. But these lapses do not necessarily indicate a deficiency of character which merits permanent removal from the community. There should be room within the system to rehabilitate those who are convicted of certain Honor offenses.

Though the Informed Retraction partially addresses the issue by offering the option of taking a oneyear absence before a case goes to trial, once a student gets to the trial phase, there is no longer any option for rehabilitation. In certain cases, a student should be offered the chance to mend their ways and be integrated back into the community, as sanctioned by that community.

A potential risk with abolishing the single sanction is that convictions might happen too frequently, but to safeguard against this outcome, the honor system can be amended in other ways. Formalizing a process where the investigation panel for a case could dismiss the charge for insignificance or lack of evidence before it goes to trial would ensure that a consistent set of standards are applied to each case.

Developing a multiple-sanction system is the best way to preserve the principles of honor that the Committee aims to uphold. Though the ideal principles of Honor are important, the system delivers concrete punishments that have serious, tangible and far-reaching consequences. It is time for a change that will ground the system in pragmatism rather than ideology, so that it does not become obsolete.

Go West, young man The traditional internship may not be rewarding, but don’t write off valuable work experience during your college years Guest Viewpoint

In Nate Menninger's latest article "Worth the Squeeze," he discusses a few faults about the conventional obligatory internship hunt that seats thousands of University students in front of their computers this season to delve into the world of searching for work they might not really want to do, to obtain résumés that other people say they will need.

He encourages following your passions — investing time into finding what you want to do and figuring out how to do it. The article leaves off on a positive note, instructing students to follow their hearts and not the University adherence-train, but it still leaves the uncreative among us without a viable alternative option.

Unfortunately, most nonCommerce University students have become aware of the inane, compulsory system that is the

internship hunt and its failure to aptly broaden our horizons, teaching us useful skills for the real world, or even aiding with some sort of personal development. We come to that realization somewhere between the

tion is there? The answer — find a job that makes you a better, more intuitive person, not a better employee. Statistics (somewhere) say that better people eventually get better jobs.

Look beyond the Charlottesville-D.C. internship grid and check out some real world opportunities.

Think about your major and answer how to learn about it from your own perspecFor the sake of keeping our student body of tive. Interested in economics?

Comwonderful Hoos innovative, progressive, and pare working with a unique, we need to find these opportunities small business verand acknowledge the extreme inflation of the sus a corporate giant.

Foreign affairs catch average internship. your fancy? Teach English abroad! Are first day of answering phones in you a burgeoning nutritionist? Go an office all summer and apply- work at a food production site. I ing for graduation. This leaves us can guarantee that our professors with the question — if you don't didn't get their jobs because they want to sell your summer for a were just (really) good at teaching; line on a résumé, what other op- they had experience and stories.

“

Christine Abbott

These alternative options to the office internship aren't inferior to office jobs at all; in fact, they will increase your value as a worker and as a person.

In my own experience, I perused the gambit of "voluntourism" options to try in place of the office jobs. I've been working on organic farms in France — I'm learning about grass-root levels of food production, farm pun not intended. For my economics major, I get to see one industry as close-up as possible, while learning about the rights and work of one family struggling to stay afloat in the sea of industry. Maybe some day at an interview I can explain the necessity of understanding how a small self-employed man can factor into a market instead of explaining how I learned to forward a phone call really, really well.

For the sake of keeping our student body of wonderful Hoos innovative, progressive and unique, we need to find these opportunities and acknowledge the extreme

inflation of the average internship.

Before googling "internships in Charlottesville," go look at voluntourism options such as WWOOF or HelpX. Check out teaching English abroad. Go do your own informational interviews (think: professors, local business owners) and discover what skills are needed to develop your own path. Too many people are being uncreative in their search for the perfect internship, sacrificing the best years to have risky, highly rewarding experiences. Under no burdens of real world commitments and investors in the form of parents, scholarships and a world of student-travel deals, we have no reason to start the banal office internship so soon — but we need to do more than dream about following our dreams to save the world.

Christine Abbott is in the College and will enter her third year in 2015.

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OPINION

The Cavalier Daily

Swift ascending

Taylor Swift’s latest album offers a telling commentary on the shortcomings of modern feminism o quote her arch-nemesis T Kanye West, Taylor Swift just popped a wheelie on the zeitgeist.

monolithic Beyoncé, it’s hard to read an article about Taylor Swift without running into an examinaAt a time when the music industry tion of her credentials as a femiis in free fall, her latest nist. Asked in 2012 if record 1989 is slated to she identified with the have the biggest sales term, she responded, “I week for an LP since don’t really think about the heady pre-Spotify things as guys versus days of 2002. Taylor girls. I never have. I was Swift is a colossal rock raised by parents who star when rock is supbrought me up to think posedly dead, a blockif you work as hard as buster artist when guys, you can go far in blockbuster artists don’t life.” Her music before exist, intensely privacy“Red” also often reGRAY WHISNANT conscious when overflected her internalizaOpinion Columnist sharing reigns supreme, tion of sexist notions and a self-described of relationships. In the songwriter when DJs dominate the lyrics of the massive “Love Story,” festival circuit. More than anything Swift sings about a female character else, she and her art are a fascinating who is only able to find fulfillment mess of contradictions. Regardless through a messianic Romeo figof the musical merits of the record ure with her father’s approval for a (I happen to like a lot of it), Taylor proposal. On 1989, however, Taylor Swift’s superficially straightforward Swift takes shots at critics who atlove songs speak profoundly about tack her willingness to date multiple a generation’s politics and what it’s people on “Shake It Off,” celebrates like to navigate increasingly compli- cosmopolitan notions of sexualcated social interactions. ity on “Welcome to New York,” and Much like with the similarly dismisses men who would blame

her exclusively for failed relationships in “Blank Space.”

As tempting as it is to place Taylor Swift (and her newly minted best friend Lena Dunham) into a narrative of ascendant feminism, the reality is somewhat more complicated. The kind of feminism that Swift represents, while inspirational in its message of letting women define their own sexualities, remains frustratingly limited in its political scope. Rather than looking at women’s inequality as something systemic and resulting from patriarchal institutions, Swift and her pop cultural feminist contemporaries often define women’s rights within the narrow context of their individual interactions and relationships.

Asked in an NPR interview why she refrains from “sending a broader message” in writing songs that may help young women “turn away from themselves in a different way,” Swift responded that she prefers to compartmentalize her politics into her media appearances instead of in her records. Does Taylor Swift owe the world a protest anthem about sexism in the American political

economy? Absolutely not. That said, Taylor Swift’s feminist awakening remains unsatisfyingly incomplete until it makes a stronger appearance in her art. As writer Ann Powers observed about Taylor Swift’s earlier single “We Are Never Getting Back Together,” in absence of a sense of community with other women, “What's usually left is a focus on self-fulfillment that only goes so far in realizing real freedom from sexism's traps.”

Though it’s hard to know for sure the roots of our present pop disconnect between the personal and the political, the answer might lie in the $20 million that Taylor Swift recently dropped on two Manhattan lofts. Memorably comparing 1989 to a banana-quinoa muffin, Grantland music critic Steven Hyden argues that the fantastic world Swift describes on the album reflects a newfound desire to make a “soundtrack for upwardly mobile urbanites” instead of truly populist pop music. Intended as a callback to a time when Prince and Fine Young Cannibals ruled the charts, it’s fitting that the album title also recalls

a decade of “greed is good” politics.

As much as I enjoy the Chvrches and Grimes-influenced soundscapes on her album, I can’t help but dwell on Taylor Swift’s rejection of the Nashville sound that once defined her as symbolic of the gradual marginalization of Middle America by pop tastemakers. The Australian Lorde may have told pop listeners they’d never be royals, but Taylor Swift is still embracing a distinctly American fantasy of Gatsby-esque splendor.

Whatever the implications of Swift’s narratives, 1989 is essential listening not only for its retro-futurist musical aesthetic but also for its glimpse into our new cultural frontiers. To paraphrase her latest number one single, we can get down about complicated gender politics and societal polarization, but Taylor Swift will still be there with her sick beat.

Gray’s columns run Wednesdays.

He can be reached at g.whisnant@ cavalierdaily.com.

In pursuit of honor The Honor System perpetuates an unsatisfactory standard of morality Viewpoint Writer

his article strives to formulate T a more radical understanding of Honor — both as a tradition and

principle upheld by our Community of Trust. In his recent column “Reform is required,” Gray Whisnant draws attention to the stagnancy of our beloved Honor system. He states, “[W]hat Honor needs is radical thinking, not in the political sense but in the Latin meaning of the term — examining inherent or root causes of a problem.” As Whisnant suggests, these roots extend far deeper than a common struggle for fairness.

In other words, instances of lying, cheating and theft are inevitable and beside the point. Instead, I argue that student apathy toward Honor stems more from a prevailing attitude at our University. By recontextualizing Honor as part of a broader, competitive and intellectual student community, we might reconsider whether the traditional system of fairness is appropriate for our current University.

I direct our attention to two key characteristics of the University community – both of which have changed drastically since 1842.

First, as Kaelyn Quinn points out in her recent article “The Competition Effect,” the University fosters an exceedingly competitive extracurric-

ular atmosphere, and Honor is one of the most selective groups, admitting only 15 percent of its applicants.

In theory, we should respect this number. The most consequential organizations should be comprised of those students most qualified for the job. But University students tend to champion prestigious benchmarks over genuine involvement. Dean Groves addresses this issue explic-

tue of a predominant competitive attitude and the kinds of student systems it generates. While competitive spirit amongst students is not unique to our University, its effect on our Community of Trust is unique in the sense that it perpetuates a failing ethic. We must also consider the remaining 85 percent – those 238 Honor rejectees left with a bad taste in their mouth. What image of Honor will they promote across Grounds? It would seem that the competitive nature of our extracurricular atmosphere is not so conducive to the integrity of Honor’s image and procedure.

We live in a competitive and intellectual student The stagnancy of its institution could very community. A stronger sensitivity to both well be a symptom of realities could profoundly influence the way we this reality.

The current conceptualize our Community of Trust — one Committee does more favorable than the other. seem to be attempting to reconnect with itly: “I fear a lot of people go out for the broader student body. Speaking [organizations] because they believe with regard to the “Everyone Is Honit’s an important box to check while or” campaign, Vice Chair for Comthey’re here.” Do members of our munity Relations Martese Johnson Honor committee perceive their or- asserts: “We want students at the ganization as another box to check? University, regardless of what they’re If so, then those in positions to en- involved in, to understand that force our “principles” may not have Honor is as much their system as achieved that power in a very prin- anybody else’s.” Honor may exist for cipled manner. the integrity of our community, but I draw attention to a potential how can students appreciate Honor conflict of interest that exists by vir- as “their system” when the system

“

Will Evans

by virtue of its competitive environment alienates itself from the student body? Johnson says the goal is to “make Honor fun,” but interviews, student panels and T-shirts are an insufficient approach to change Honor’s image as another exclusive and prestigious benchmark.

Second, we are all members of a rigorous intellectual community that has progressed significantly since the mid 19th century. So it seems reasonable that Honor — like any institution of justice — should be held accountable for a high standard of intellectual rigor. Chelsea Jack, University alumna and a research assistant at The Hastings Center, devoted her fourth-year thesis to addressing the tension between the truth of moral knowledge as perceived by diverse students and the truth determined through Honor’s procedures. She argues people conceive of and make claims about morality “based on social and political histories, identity, relationships, and disparities [that] make the lives of particular persons morally meaningful.” This holistic conception of moral knowledge reminds us that traditional Honor at the University is not an absolute.

For instance, the Committee might implement internal mechanisms designed to ensure its activities and procedures are sensitive to alternative moral realities.

While it is crucial that we have a system of honor to enforce codes of conduct, that system must not over-

inflate itself. Traditional Honor is an inadequate proxy for true honor — the ever-evolving ideal of behavior as perceived by individual community members. A reformed system of procedural justice that accounts for broader community attitudes and values would be more conducive to a healthy, competitive academic environment. Therefore, the “Everyone Is Honor” campaign acts as a double-edged sword. On one hand, it promotes a much-needed coercive institution of fairness. On the other, it distances itself further by forgetting its context and by promulgating an ethically problematic language.

The goal of this piece is to flesh out what Whisnant means by “radical thinking” so we can properly address the stagnancy of our Honor system. We have to ask the question: is Honor a truly meaningful system of fairness or a tradition that subsists off of nominal reputation and self-selective biases? We live in a competitive and intellectual student community. A stronger sensitivity to both realities could profoundly influence the way we conceptualize our Community of Trust — one more favorable than the other. While the University seems to uphold Honor to the highest esteem, the promotion of the tradition as is may do more harm than good. After all, our Community of Trust exists to honor the fair development of diverse opinion — not to reinforce a culture of box checking.

OPINION

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Advising woes

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The administration is taking encouraging steps to reform the University’s unsatisfactory student advising system

he tales of first-year advisT ing experiences are those of striking juxtapositions: a prospec-

who match student interests during the pre-major period. A survey last year found that roughly tive physics major paired with 40 percent of students are either a music professor, a dissatisfied or very disphilosophy enthusiast satisfied with the state assigned to a chemisof pre-major advising. try professor, the list The current initiative goes on (in my case, a may be overdue, yet it would-be history mashould serve as an imjor paired with a drama portant step in improvprofessor). The initial ing an advising system disparity in interests is that has induced a not necessarily undesense of disappointsirable; ideally, superment and isolation in ficial contrasts can in many past students.

CONOR KELLY fact encourage broader While students should Opinion Columnist academic interests. For have reason to support an increasing amount the new programs, it of students, neverthewill also be important less, the University’s pre-major ad- going forward to understand that vising system seems to have many the quality of the advising is as dedrawbacks. pendent on students themselves as In recognition of evolving stu- it is on the structure of the system dent needs, University administra- and the availability of advisors. tors are currently in the process of As with any administrative implementing an initiative known matter in which student concerns as “Total Advising,” a key aspect of are involved, students themselves the University’s Cornerstone Plan. should ensure that their voices In recent years, students have been are audible and their views well quite vocal about their general dis- defined. Systemic reform of the satisfaction with the current advis- advising system must be a truly ing system, citing concerns such as collaborative effort, not a nomithe insufficiency of career advising nally cooperative one. While the resources and a lack of advisors Cornerstone plan specifies that

the advising reform effort will be led by students, administrators and faculty, the influence of students will be significantly higher if the student body is able to express clear, collective support for specific reforms and if representatives thus feel truly empowered to speak for the masses. Designating specific student leaders who are empowered to collaborate with faculty and administrators in designing reforms to the advising system makes practical sense. That being said, student representation will only be effective so long as the broader student body articulates a definitive, clear vision for the structure of academic advising; student engagement must be high if a satisfactory system is to emerge from this plan.

In an encouraging move, administrators are focusing on providing better connections between students and faculty members who are involved with their potential future careers or current interests. The exact manifestation of that focus, however, is somewhat problematic. The current initiative seeks to establish a series of online “career communities” that would help to create networks between students, alumni and faculty

who are interested in or involved in careers that relate specifically to student interests. To a degree, this initiative has promise in that it will provide specialized resources of the sort not readily available under the current advising system. That being said, the creation of online career communities does not seem to address the fundamental problem, specifically the assignment of faculty advisors who often do not match student interest during the pre-major period. With any luck, these online networks will help to facilitate future one-on-one relationships between students and faculty members.

Where the advising system occasionally fails, however, COLA courses help to pick up the slack.

The steady increase in the popularity of COLA courses points to the high value that first-years place on the advising aspect of such classes.

These one-credit seminars taught by faculty advisors have many significant benefits, yet many firstyears either choose not to take them or are not able to garner a spot in a course of their choosing. As the University implements new initiatives aimed at reforming the advising system, it should also consider expanding the avail-

ability of COLA courses, perhaps even with an eye toward a COLA requirement, an idea that my fellow writer Sawan Patel explored in a recent column. The administration has made important steps in this regard, including the creation of 15 new COLA courses, bringing the total to 60 available courses.

The current advising system, which assigns students to association deans based on housing and randomly assigns advisors to firstyears for the period before they declare a major, has shown that it is incapable of meeting the changing needs of students. The administration should be lauded insofar as it recognizes this reality and is beginning meaningful attempts at reform, yet the issue is perhaps broader than both administrators and students realize. The question, in the end, is as much about what students should expect from a college education as it is about whether the advising system itself functions properly.

Conor’s columns run Tuesdays.

He can be reached at c.kelly@cavalierdaily.com.

Elusive objectivity As media consumes, students and the general public should demand more objectivity t is nearly impossible to find I an objective television news source. News outlets such as Fox

armed African-American teenager, Michael Brown, was shot over nine times in the chest by a white police News Channel, CNN and MSNBC officer. The issue of police brutality report in such a biased has been an increasing manner that the same concern in the United story told by different States and this shooting networks can sound was the final straw for completely different. many people. PeaceThe difficulty with enful protests alongside forcing the standard for violent riots broke out objective reporting is all across the country, that these specific news the largest of those rioutlets are privatelyots being in the city of funded corporations Ferguson. that do not have to folConservative Fox low a certain criteria for News and liberal MSLAUREN HORNE what they can and canNBC both selectively Opinion Columnist not publish. This gives reported two different stations the ability to sides of this event, creleave out or enhance information ating a disingenuous picture of what as they wish. As most Americans was actually happening in the city of receive their news from television Ferguson. Fox News reported informedia, these stations have a respon- mation to portray the protesters as sibility to report factual information criminals while MSNBC reported to the viewers. While more popular more on the issue of police brutality news outlets are entertaining and and racial tension. While Michael quite useful at times, American citi- Brown may not have been comzens need to take the initiative to do pletely innocent, does that mean he further research and strive to form was rightfully killed? Was Brown an their own thoughts independent of actual threat to the officer? Was it an bias. abuse of power? The public needs A perfect example of partial re- the facts to answer these questions, porting in recent news is the series not a reporter to answer for them of events in Ferguson, MO. An un- without explanation. With the re-

sponsibility of being such a popular television news outlet, these channels should not be presenting information with an obvious bias or as a political strategy, but giving facts with the idea that people will form their own opinions.

There are media outlets such as NPR, PBS, and The Real News Network that come as close as possible to unbiased journalism in the United States. However, these news networks do not receive enough attention in comparison to biased networks. For example, in 2013 Fox News was ranked the most-watched cable news network among both total viewers and viewers age 25-54 for the 12th consecutive year with over one million total primetime viewers. MSNBC came in second with 640,000 total primetime viewers. In comparison, The Real News Network, has not yet reached its goal of 50,000 supporters, which it needs to become a live television show. If these outlets received as much attention as the more popular outlets do, then the presence of biased reporting wouldn’t be such a problem. Why do American citizens favor one-sided journalism?

It could be the solidification of their previously formed opinions.

It could also be that people do not

know how to feel, so they let their political association choose for them.

A world with objective television media is an ideal worth striving for. Readers and listeners would be presented the facts without hearing someone else’s thoughts. Viewers would be forced to form logical explanations for why they believe what they believe, rather than simply repeating someone else’s thoughts. While Rachel Maddow may be a delight to listen to, one should be wary of letting her show be a first source of information for any issue, because of the obvious bias toward a more liberal stance.

Reporting objectively does not have to be uninteresting or dull. Reporters are still people and can still add their opinions, there should just be a clear distinction between when the reporters are giving factual information and when they are expressing personal opinions. For example, if reporters feel the need to express their opinions, the network should have a panel that is a completely separate segment from the reporting part of the show, to be clear that what is going to be presented is strictly the personal views of the reporters.

The University is full of the

brightest minds across the state — across the nation, even — and if the University wanted to be the school to emphasize the importance of objectivity and start a movement of individualistic thinking, then we certainly could do so. The alternative to tuning into biased, for-profit news channels is viewing some of the less popular but more objective sources of media. Or even if students prefer the less objective networks, I encourage them to take the extra time to research the information presented on television before accepting it as factual.

We cannot accept the status quo that this is how media has to be. If people demand objective reporting, businesses will respond to the demand. The students here on Grounds are known for their intelligence and ability to use higher levels of thinking than the average college student. Those ideals and expectations should not cease at the academic level, but move into our personal lives and how we choose to think about the happenings of the world around us.

Lauren’s columns run Wednesdays. She can be reached at l.horne@ cavalierdaily.com.

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OPINION

The Cavalier Daily

HU MOR

Just for wits.

Parenting advice from a non-parent Humor Writer

I woke up this morning just as I usually do: with my alarm blasting the Spice Girls classic, “Wannabe,” one less sock than I’d had on when I went to sleep, and the disappointing realization that, once again, my crazy adventure with Snoop Dogg had only been a dream. I stared at the ceiling as Posh Spice serenaded me, and I thought to myself, “You know what I should do today? Offer some unsolicited advice.” I’m kind of like the Oprah of the people-who-don’t-know-Oprah world when it comes to giving advice.

But who was to be the target of my uninvited wisdom? My roommates had instituted a speak-only-whenspoken-to rule, and Obama wasn’t answering any of my letters, so the obvious choices were out. As I sat

there thinking, my phone lit up with a text from my mother, and that’s when it hit me: who should benefit from my advice today? The parents of the world, of course!

Now, I’ve never had a kid, and I don’t plan on it for a long time, but I don’t think that makes me any less qualified to offer advice on the subject. I decided to take a page from the book of my hero, Fox News, and make bold claims without offering any evidence to support them. So here are some of the best parenting tips from someone with absolutely no parenting experience: Rule Number One: Name your kid something awesome.

I cannot stress this enough.

Everybody thinks it’s all nice and sweet to name their kids after relatives, but let me tell you, you are

not doing your child any favors. you may just luck out and get a You want what any parent wants: child prodigy. Smart, kind, talfor your son or daughter to instill ented — the kind of kid people see fear and admiration in the hearts of all the other kids. Hoping to honor Uncle Bob by carrying on his legacy through his name? Well, I’ve got news for you.

Nobody is going to be Nobody is going to be scared when little scared when little Bobby rolls up to the playBobby rolls up to the playground. Do your ground. Do your son son a favor and name him something badass a favor and name him something badass like like Megatron or Captain America. Or Chad.

Megatron or Captain America. Or Chad. and think, “Man, that’s a great kid.

Rule Number Two: Your kid I wish I could trade in this crappy might suck, and that’s okay. kid I produced and get that one instead. Wow, my entire life is a If you take all the right prena- disappointment.” If you’ve got one tal vitamins and pray to The Magic of these children, I commend you, Stork or whatever you believe in, but the sad truth is that many of

“

Nora Walls

you will get stuck with the lame kids. There’s really nothing you can do but settle in for a life of watching them get picked last for the kickball team and take Cousin Sue to prom instead of a real date.

Better luck next time.

Rule Number Three: Tell your children that you adopted them from a special agency that allows children to be sent back at any age.

Fear is the best disciplinarian.

I hope these tips will help you to be the best parent you can be to little Megatron. For further help, you may want to contact my mom and dad, since they raised me and I turned out so fantastic. My brother’s a bit of a square, but hey, you can’t win them all.

Alternatively, get a dog.

Comedy is God Humor Writer

As decided by my two irreplaceable parents, Howard and Coretha, I was raised Catholic., and I’ve quickly become the poster child for “Chreasters.” That’s the term for Christians who only attend Church on Christmas and Easter. I didn’t bother locating a Catholic church after arriving here in Charlottesville four years ago; indeed the only time I go is when I’m home in order to appease my parents/ convince them I’m no heathen.

I’m not an atheist. I’m agnostic (ah the Canada of belief systems).

I preach the gospel of, “I don’t know!” I can’t explain the technology behind texting, so who am I to definitely assert the existence of a divine creator? What I do believe in and undeniably assert is Comedy. Comedy is my God. Weird, I know; I’ll explain (probably very poorly so lower your expectations tremendously).

Comedy is certainly a coping mechanism. We are fearful creatures. Whether it’s spiders, snakes, a cracked iPhone screen, missing a party (FOMO is so real y’all), a woman’s right to choose, racism, Ebola, or death we fear, we attack and repel these things with humor, for better or for worse. We wield its serviceable nature to our advantage.

Comedy is underappreciated as a craft and skill in contemporary

society. Creating it is an endeavor as challenging as any other. In his book, “Outliers: The Story of Success,” Malcolm Gladwell asserts, “Researchers have settled on what they believe is the magic number for true expertise: ten thousand hours.” Essentially he says that it takes roughly ten thousand hours of practice to achieve mastery in a field, “to be a phenom so freakishly awesome, such a standout among your peers, that sometimes your first name is enough to tell people who you are: Peyton. Tiger. Venus.

LeBron. Oprah.” Those that cause

people are virtuosos. While we recognize and venerate (and handsomely pay) people on TV, film, Internet and radio (just kidding, who the hell still listens to the radio and why?) who make us laugh, we should also appreciate the craft of comedy. We must analyze it as intensely as we do Shakespeare — perfect it like we did Penicillin.

But Cam, why do you deify Comedy? How is Comedy your Savior? Because I earnestly believe that Comedy (along with education and empathy) will save mankind.

Aspirational, a bit simplistic, quite optimistic and seemingly naïve maybe, but that’s what I believe. It’s what I turn to during ordeals, not to be ignorant or dismissive of reality, but instead to confront it in a Whether it’s spiders, snakes, a cracked in which I uniPhone screen, missing a party (FOMO is so real way derstand. y’all), a woman’s right to choose, racism, Ebola, T.S. Eliot remarked on what or death we fear, we attack and repel these would become his things with humor, for better or for worse. celebrated poem, “The Waste Land,” us to laugh consistently — Will dismissing it as nothing but, “the Ferrell, your dad and his stupid relief of a personal and wholly indad jokes, your drunk hammered significant grouse against life…just uncle at Thanksgiving, Tina Fey a piece of rhythmical grumbling.” (go Hoos), the bus driver you see I lack a Nobel Prize in Literature every Monday/Wednesday/Friday and I’m no poet laureate (although en route to your 8 a.m. class, The I once wrote a Shakespearean sonYellow Journal staff, improv com- net about masturbating), but this edy groups on Grounds — these column was indeed a bit of rhyth-

“

Cam Smith

mic grumbling, at least in structure. I swear to Comedy God I spent two weeks drafting, writing, and revising this thing and it still reads like a verbose jigsaw I sloppily strung together the night of the deadline, while operating on a cocktail of Adderall, Mountain Dew and a few swigs of Mr. Evan Williams.

This column began with me lampooning my crumbling Catholicism and finished with my heartfelt manifesto on how to alleviate the unerring afflictions of humanity. I honestly did not anticipate such an odd trajectory. This is why you start with an outline my fellow students!

I’m an English Lit major; I should know better. (Oh how I will have disappointed Professor Levenson and Professor Cushman!)

Hopefully this provoked introspection and reflection. More importantly I hope this provoked a laugh. Or maybe a mild chuckle.

Perhaps a wry smile. Possibly you read this and did that thing where you audibly blow air through your nose. At the very least someone reading this did that thing we all do where we mentally accept something is funny, but we don’t commit to a physical reaction like laughing. But seriously, confront, talk and ruminate the terrifying things in your life and the world at

Courtesy Flickr Creative Commons Tim Green

large. Use tragedy to appreciate life and the comedy flowing through it.

We are in this together, friends and strangers alike. Tell your family you love them. No, don’t text them; call them, just this once. Embrace your friends not only after you’ve just downed that third Fireball shot, but when you’re sober too. Smile at strangers as you hold open the door (and if you’re the person walking through the door someone just held open you sure as shit better say thank you and smile back. I’m serious — that’s some selfish BS).

Laugh until you cry and cry until you laugh. We control very little in this life, less so than we think, so let’s focus and expend our energy producing meaning, joy, and most importantly, laughter for ourselves and for each other. If you’re unsure how to start my advice is to begin with dick jokes. Eventually you can upgrade to even better dick jokes.

G

Thursday, November 6, 2014

SOLE SURVIVOR

15

BY MICHAEL GILBERTSON

graphics MOSTLY HARMLESS BY PETER SIMONSEN NO PUN INTENDED BY CHARLOTTE RASKOVICH

DJANGEO

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