Grief Digest V10I01

Summer 2012 Grief Digest Quarterly Magazine

A Centering Corporation Resource

Volume 10, Issue #1

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Featured articles . . . . . . . . .

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The Spiritual Path to Healing: Mourning Ideas Part 3, by Alan Wolfelt

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Bridging the Gap After Loss of a Child, by Elaine Stillwell

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Is It Time To Forgive Yourself? by Rob Anderson 10-11 The Toolbox: Lessons About Life & Grief, by Jan Borgman 12-13 Is There A Positive Side To This Pain? by Daina Simpson Mahon

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Growing Up, by Janet Tripp 16-17 Learning to Live Fully After Loss, by Coralease Ruff 18-19 Grief Without Belief by Deirdre Felton 22-23 The Pain of Suicide by Claudia Grammatico 24-25 Don’t Over Commit by Thom Dennis 26-28 Is Lingering In Grief Right or Wrong? by Nan Zastrow 30-32

Recommended Resources Contributor’s Info

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A Note from the editor What gives this magazine its heart and soul are the contributions of the people who know the path of pain. Your stories and experiences and insights bring hope and encouragement to others who may be just beginning their journey into the world of grief. We encourage you to write and share. Write from your heart about what you know because you’ve been there! We like to keep the stories about 1200 words (but we are flexible), and we prefer that you use first person (I, me) rather than (“you should…”) etc. Send your contributions via email (preferred) or snail mail (acceptable) to Andrea Gambill, Editor at andrea.gambill@gmail.com, or mail to 11280 Niagara Drive, Fishers, Indiana 46037. We’ll ask you to read and sign our writers’ guidelines (our permission to print) and we’ll need a recent photo of you and a one- or twoparagraph bio about you. If your material is published, you’ll receive complimentary copies of that issue, and we offer you a full page in that issue to promote whatever resource you’d like to share with our readers. Happy writing!

Submit articles to: andrea.gambill@gmail.com

By Andrea Gambill, Fishers,Indiana

Guilt

andrea.gambill@gmail.com

While watching TV the other night, I heard a long-time journalist and TV host make a comment that made we want to crawl out of my skin! They had been discussing the recent “movie massacre” shooting incident in Colorado (particularly the six-year-old girl who had died after a three-hour surgery) and the host commented casually that, “parents who take their children to a midnight movie are just not willing to pay a babysitter.”

It appeared to be just an offhand remark, and I, personally, do not believe that journalist is anything but a decent and intelligent man with reasonable compassion. However, I don’t think he had any idea how cruel and devastating his simple remark could be. That statement cannot go unchallenged in my world! In my thirty-seven years of grief intervention work, I have known literally thousands of bereaved parents and, as one myself, I am well acquainted with the phenomena of guilt associated with that experience.

Whenever a child dies (no matter the age or circumstance of the death), normal parents dive into a deep pool of guilt and begin to either sink or swim until they can climb out, are rescued or drown in their own sorrow.

Because of their acute sense of responsibility for their child’s care and safety, bereaved parents often suffer a “disconnect of intellect” and tend to believe the death was their fault, no matter how untrue and irrational that might be. They can find ways to blame themselves for that tragedy and everything else, from being born in the first place to somehow being responsible for World War II! In our “grief-avoidance” society, it doesn’t take much to encourage casual observers to turn away and not get involved (never mind their failure to be comforting or supportive), especially when they haven’t got a clue about what good or harm they might do. If they can persuade themselves that somehow the suffering parents “deserved” the guilt and grief because they brought it on themselves, the non-bereaved create their own safety net and justify their escape. They secure their belief by telling themselves, “I would never have done what ‘they’ did, so this could not happen to me.” Unfortunately, something similar is sometimes said to the bereaved parents!

Piling on the guilt is like pushing down the head of someone who is drowning every time they try to come up for air! Since the already-guilt-ridden parents are all too willing to accept blame and responsibility for their child’s death, the deterioration can accelerate. Marriages can be challenged, siblings can be neglected, jobs can suffer, other relationships are sometimes altered permanently, and often God gets the blame.

“Unsubstantiated Guilt” is the name of a road with no good destination! The worst part is that it’s never even necessary to travel on that road. The name of the alternate road is “An Educated Population.” When the not-yet-bereaved are wisely supportive, feel safe while not being judgmental and know how to listen compassionately and nurture self-forgiveness, they can be the key to healthy healing and victorious outcomes.

We all need to think carefully before we speak. Someone has said that since God gave us two ears and one mouth, He meant for us to listen twice as much as we talk! While this article will not reach nearly as many people as that journalist’s words did, it might reach a few who can really be helped. Let’s at least aim in that direction.

The Spiritual Path to Healing: Mourning Ideas, Part 3

By Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D., Fort Collins, Colorado

By Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. Fort Collins, Colorado SIT IN SILENCE AND SOLITUDE •The mystery of grief invites you to honor the need for periods of silence and solitude. As you quiet yourself, you sustain an open heart and a gentle spirit. Mother Teresa often said, “The beginning of prayer is silence.”

• You may not have access to a cloistered monastery, a walk in the woods, or a stroll on the beach, but you do have the capacity to quiet yourself. Consciously hush yourself and place trust in the peace you help initiate. As you sit with silence, you acknowledge that you value the need to suspend, slow down, and turn inward as part of the grief journey. Giving attention to the instinct to mourn from the inside out requires that you befriend silence and respect how vital it is to your healing journey.

• Many of the symptoms of grief are invitations to the need for silence as solitude. Disorganization, confusion, searching and yearning and the lethargy of grief try to slow you down and invite a need for you to savor silence. Yes, astutely observed, “For many afflictions, silence is the best remedy.”

• Silence contains the ingredients that can bring some peace in the midst of the wilderness. The forces of grief

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weigh heavy on your heart. Silence serves to lift up your heart and create much-needed space to give attention to your grief. Being in silence helps restore our energy and inspires courage to explore how you are forever transformed by your grief.

• Thin places are usually outdoors, often where water and land meet, or land and sky come together. You might find thin places on a riverbank, a beach or a mountaintop.

• Go to a thin place to pray, to walk, or to simply sit in the presence of the holy.

CARPE DIEM:

Today, be silent for a while—silent with yourself and with God. For many people, this is a difficult spiritual practice, but one that is well worth the effort.

WRITE A POEM.

CARPE DIEM

Your thin places are anywhere that fills you with awe and a sense of wonder. They are spots that refresh your spirit and make you feel closer to God. Go to a thin place today and sit in contemplative silence.

• Poetry is the music of language. It is sound and imagery and rhythm delivered in little packets.

JUST BE • Poetry compresses great meaning into a few carefully chosen words, and as such, it can be very emotional and spiritual.

• You can write a poem if you try. It doesn’t need to follow any particular rules. It doesn’t need to rhyme or have a certain meter. It can be and say anything you’d like.

• An elegy is a poem that remembers someone who has died. Perhaps you would like to write an elegy in memory of someone you love and miss very much.

CARPE DIEM

Write a poem to God today that expresses what you’re thinking and feeling right now.

SPEND TIME IN “THIN PLACES.” • In the Celtic tradition, “thin places” are spots where the separation between the physical world and the spiritual world seem tenuous. They are places where the veil between Heaven and earth, between the holy and the everyday, are so thin that when we are near them, we intuitively sense the timeless, boundless spiritual world.

• There is a Celtic saying that heaven and earth are only three feet apart, but in the thin places that distance is even smaller.

• You may have heard it said that there is no past, there is no future; there is only this moment.

• In The Power of Now, Eckhart Tollé encourages us to truly be present in the current moment. “Life is now,” he writes. “There was never a time when your life was not now, nor will there ever be… Nothing ever happened in the past; it happened in the Now. Nothing will ever happen in the future; it will happen in the Now.” • The challenge is that it is really hard to live in the moment. Our minds constantly revisit the past and think forward to the future. Our egos dwell on what was and what will be.

• Tollé and others believe that your mind is different from your spirit. Your mind is the house of the ego; your soul is the house of the spirit. Your spirit—your essence—can observe the egoic antics of the mind. Your ego is earthbound; your spirit is timeless.

• The next time your mind takes you away from the present and into worry and fear, allow your spirit to watch your mind and smile at its earthly obsessions.

CARPE DIEM

Attend to the now. Drop everything and just be for five minutes. When your monkey mind starts to chatter, silence it by repeating the mantra om.

©Grief Digest Magazine–www.griefdigestmagazine.com –4–

N e W f r O m D r . A l A N W O l f e lt

Ot h e r c O m pa S S I O N at e B O O k S B y D r . a l a N W O l f e lt:

the mourner’s book of hope this beautiful little hardcover gift book offers Dr. Wolfelt’s thoughts on hope in grief interspersed with quotes from the world’s greatest hope-filled thinkers.

“The keys to love also unlock healing in grief.

Just as you opened your heart to love, you must open your heart to mourn.”

—Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Loving from the outside in, mourning from the inside out

“Your capacity to love requires the

heaLing your grieving heart this flagship title in our 100 Ideas Series offers 100 practical ideas to help you practice self-compassion and teach the principles of grief and mourning.

necessity to mourn,” writes Dr. Wolfelt in this new and deeply compassionate gift book for mourners. In other words, love and grief are two sides of the same precious coin. One does not—and cannot—exist without the other.

They are the yin and yang of our lives.

Internationally known grief educator Dr. Alan Wolfelt explores what love and grief have in common and invites the reader to mourn well in order to go

eight CritiCaL questions for mourners...

And the Answers that will Help you Heal this book provides the answers that will help you clarify your experiences and encourage you to make choices that honor the transformational nature of grief and loss.

on to live and love well again.

ISBN: 978-1-617221-47-7 96 pages | hardcover gift book | $15.95

phone: (970) 226-6050

e-mail: books@centerforloss.com

www.centerforloss.com/bookstore Volume 10, issue #1–Phone: 1-866-218-0101 –5–

understanding your grief Dr. Wolfelt’s most comprehensive book, covering the essential lessons that mourners have taught him in his three decades of working with the bereaved.

D Bridging the Gap After Loss of a Child

By Elaine E. Stillwell, M.A., M.S., Rockville Centre, NY Author of: The Death of a Child: Reflections for Grieving Parents

D

“Do Mars and Venus collide? Do men and women grieve differently? You bet they do. Bereaved moms and dads eventually figure out that most spouses grieve differently. This discovery is validated in the grief books they devour, but in the beginning, when their grief is raw, most are clueless. It is another source of loss that can cause heartache, tears and misunderstanding. Even though they have lost the same child, their grief is different, because their relationship to their child is unique. We’ve all lost a special piece of ourselves, and we bring a different background to the loss. Whether we feel closer to our child or are estranged from our child, we suffer the feelings of loss. Regrets can add to the pain but do not make the loss any less.

When my husband Joe and I lost our two eldest children, twenty-one-year old Denis and nineteenyear-old Peggy, in the same car accident, we were relieved to find that other bereaved parents struggled with similar challenges as various topics were explored at our Compassionate Friends meetings. The lively discussions provided lifeline strategies for us to take home. These earnest, heartfelt comments might help us tomorrow or

maybe two months from now as we began to realize that the grief process will accompany us through life.

Baby Steps to Understanding Each Other The cruelest blow for husbands and wives is to be at odds in their grieving patterns, causing them to feel they are not living on the same planet. Just at a time when you want your sweetheart to be there for you, you can’t find him or her. And what makes it even harder is that most newly bereaved parents don’t realize that this is par for the course. It is one of the biggest complaints at our TCF meetings. As newly bereaved, we don’t understand that each of us has different factors that influence the way we grieve, just like we have different DNA. It would be nice if “opposites attract,” but grief exaggerates personality traits, so that works against us and puts a strain on the marriage.

Some of us find relief by escaping into our work or hobby, others find their saving grace to be shopping, vacations, privacy, religion, music, knitting, writing or whatever else eases their pain. Each of us searches for those outlets. Some of us run like

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our pants are on fire, others seem like tortoises as they proceed slowly, inch by painful inch. One dad spent the first whole year researching, designing, and finding the right material and sculptor for his daughter’s headstone and then hiring a forklift to put it into place himself at the cemetery. That answered his need to feel like he was doing something worthwhile in his grief, maybe not sharing a lot with his wife, but keeping himself from going crazy. Sharing the details with his wife (even getting some suggestions from her as he doggedly plodded along) brought them closer together. His excitement and devotion to each detail was contagious, tightly bonding them in their grief. As evidenced by one young mom, “I believe intimacy starts outside the bedroom and you go from there.”

When words are hard to come by, spouses have to find other ways to communicate. Some of us grieve through action rather than words. Why are so many of us scrubbing floors, vacuuming, polishing silver, planting new gardens, making house repairs, hitting golf balls, playing racquetball, running the Appalachian Trail?

Others busy themselves launching memorial foundations, scholarships, fund-raising efforts for a cause dear to their hearts in memory of their children. They have found a closeness in doing simple tasks. Hours and hours are spent on worthy causes keeping their child’s memory alive while actually affording the bereaved parents a distraction from their pain and the fervor to keep their child’s memory from being erased. By contributing something constructive to life, they are able to sublimate their sadness and find some heart peace. Sometimes it is the one thing they can do well together, sharing their passion and zeal and consequently bridging the gap of grief.

Giant Steps to Rekindling the Flame As one dad stated, “When you have no place to go but up, it’s worth the effort, especially when you start to feel closer as a couple.” Our support group members were happy to offer various suggestions that worked for them: Stay in the present. Finding joy in the moment, appreciating it and learning from it works for many of us as we struggle through the grief process. As one dad said, “We have missed enough. This is a moment we don’t want to miss.” If we let our minds linger in the past or stray into the future, we might miss the fullness of what life holds for us right now. We are unable to change the past, so we can gently let it be and focus on living. Right now, we have the opportunity to say yes to life.”

Find those loving listeners. Now is the time to treasure friends who walk with us. We are all fellow travelers on the long journey of life. Friends help one another, share with one another, encourage one another, support one another and love one another. Friends bring joy and implant hope. When our spouse is not able to comfort us with the loving support we are craving, our friends can fill

that gap. Friends are grace, gift, blessing and sacrament, all wrapped into one. They are a tonic for a hurting soul.

Members of our Compassionate Friends chapter nurture one another. At our meetings, during introductions, some members always include, “I thank TCF for saving my life.” We even have one member whom we call “Group Nurturer” because she just knows who to take under her wing and “bring back to life.” It’s like she is our linedance leader. Anything that sheds sorrow and plants seeds of joy is welcomed.

Meditate. Taking time to be silent, to be by yourself, to listen to your inner voice can be a great GPS for your heart. Thinking about how our day went will help us plan for tomorrow. We can reflect on what seems lacking, what isn’t working right now, what limitations we have, what surprises us, and how flexible we are, as we attempt to narrow the gap between us. Setting aside a few minutes or longer each day can really be the road map back to each other. Like ballet, it requires much practice and has its own special vocabulary.

Work on your relationship. Be the master chef. Fill your bowl with the things that give you energy and sunshine. Mix the ingredients together to feed the new person you have become. Make allowances for that empty seat at the table, be role models for surviving children sharing the ups and down of your grief and not pretending that you are “fine.” As one young couple whose only child died agreed, “For years we were a family, now we are a couple again and have to get reacquainted with that couple again. So it helps to remember the things that made us fall in love, that brought us close together and that filled us with desire.” Add a little salsa to your life, whether it’s some spicy sauce or inviting dance steps.

Learn the power of forgiveness. We need to forgive ourselves and our spouses. One dad advised, “Forgive quickly. Don’t let any barriers come between you. Clean the slate. Don’t dwell on past hurts but work on erasing them.” None of us is perfect. We don’t live in a perfect world. We all make mistakes. There’s no harm in saying, “I’m sorry, may I try again?” Without forgiveness, we diminish ourselves and “get stuck” in our grief. A young dad claimed, “Anger is a noose around my neck.” One MADD mother shared, “I cannot reach out and touch others with a clenched fist.” She added, “I cannot be all that I can be by staying in chaos.” Most members agreed that the chance to make a difference is now; to have a second chance at happiness is inviting. We might feel like we are dancing the lively steps of the pasodoble, modeled after the movement of the Spanish bullfighter entering the ring, so we pray that our fancy footwork will provide winning results.

Allow time for “togetherness” and for “separateness.” Make sure you set aside a special time that is just for the two of you—no interruptions. Let the phone go to voice mail and make sure children know

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this is your uninterrupted time. Use this time to reinforce all the things you love about your spouse, whether it’s cozy snuggling, friendly teasing, details of your day’s adventures, a shared hobby, or justplain-married conversation. Choose to love, to see the positive side of things, give your spouse the benefit of the doubt when issues are tense. Interpret words and actions in the best possible light. Put love into action. Do something every day to make your spouse feel cherished. Make little things count, whether it’s making coffee in the morning, allowing time to unwind after work, watching a movie together, balancing the checkbook, finding that missing sock or offering to take out the garbage.

Having time apart lets each of you enjoy the things that bring you peace, distraction or fun, whether it is a hobby, sport, or heavenly time alone. This invites more conversation when you come together.

It also gives you time to breathe, to get in touch with your own feelings, to sort things out. As one mom happily announced, “I had always loved to dance. After losing my adored twenty-two-year old son I felt devastated. I couldn’t listen to music and certainly couldn’t dance. After four years, I felt a pull to dance again. I chose Israeli folk dancing because there is a spiritual feeling in the music.

I loved it. During that hour-and-a-half, I forgot my sorrow and concentrated on letting the music reach down into my soul, allowing me the joy of movement. I was alive again which delighted my husband.” Finding the right dance steps can make all the difference.

Communicate. Besides talking and sharing ideas, concerns or problems, stay in touch. Maybe that means a phone call during the day, an email, a love note in his/her pocket, briefcase or lunch bag, or on the pillow or in the car. Little ways that say, “I care about you” go a long way. One dad declared, “My lunch crew teased me about the love notes my wife tucked into my lunch bag each day, but those notes made my day.” Another dad said, “Sometimes you could say things in a love note that were hard to say face-to-face.” Sharing our pain and not criticizing or judging our spouse’s way of grieving is important. Tweet, twitter, text, sext—use all the conveniences of modern technology to keep your marriage intimate and sexual. We have a lot more than they had in the covered wagon days, so take advantage of all these tools to renew joy with each other. It’s like doing the fox trot, a combination of quick and slow steps, permitting us more flexibility as we dance with intimacy and sexuality.

Be tender. Cuddling, holding hands, giving hugs, gentle kisses, inviting kisses, touching in favorite places all send a signal “I love you and need you. I want us to make it.” Put on a romantic CD and try some of that slow dancing with your arms wrapped around each other, bringing back sweet memories that can be a pathway back to cherished intimacy.

Value your spouse. Don’t take your spouse for granted. Give compliments, make time for each other, cook his favorite dinner, bring her a bouquet, plan a “getaway” weekend,” eat by candlelight, help each other with chores, make time to be romantic, give a massage, notice their joys and frustrations, make them feel special, practice saying, “May I have this dance?”

Be honest. Sometimes this is not easy because we don’t want to hurt our spouse’s feelings, but phrasing our words in a positive way rather than in a blaming way can be more productive. “I feel so alone when you work late,” rather than “You are never here when I need you.” Instead of demanding that all pictures of your child be put away, try asking, “Could we wait a little while until I can handle looking at them?” It’s like those first dance lessons when we tried so hard to not step on our partner’s toes.

Enjoy a pet. Sometimes the gentle therapy of a pet opens our hearts to feeling again. It could be the loving attention of our own pet which snuggles with us and provides that loving presence that we need when those big friendly eyes say, “I’m here for you.” Or it could be as one dad shared, “Some comical little creature like a bulldog puppy will come waddling down the street and I start to laugh no matter how rotten my day has been.”

According to some recent studies, dogs are helping us to lower blood pressure, cholesterol, anxiety and stress levels, besides bringing joy into our lives.

Even walking the dog together brings a sense of togetherness to our marriage, a chance to think, talk and observe nature—all good steps for getting back on the dance floor of life together.

Marathon Finale Choose the steps that lead you to trust with your deepest feelings. Enrich each other’s life by showing honesty, warmth and appreciation.

Practice bringing joy to the relationship. Do things that make you feel connected. Share hopes, dreams and aspirations. “Be in” for the long run.

Encourage a relaxed atmosphere and don’t forget to steal a kiss.

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ELAINE STILLWELL

Author and National Presenter, Columnist, Grief Digest, Chapter Leader, TCF of Rockville Centre, NY Wife, mother, grandmother, educator, author and speaker, Elaine E. Stillwell, M.A., M.S., shares her gifts of hope and inspiration with the bereaved, simply by telling what she has learned to cope and survive following the deaths of her two eldest oldest children, 21-year-old Denis and 19-year-old Peggy, in the same 1986 automobile accident.

In addition to being Founder and Chapter Leader of The Compassionate of Rockville Centre, (Long Island) NY, 1987-present, with her husband Joe, Elaine has been writing for Grief Grief Digest Digest since it’s first issue in July 2003, and was Bereavement Coordinator for the Diocese of Rockville Centre, 1998-2010, working closely with 134 parishes and local agencies, where she spearheaded programs for the bereaved, designed and offered trainings for support group facilitators, maintained a website listing all available support programs in the area, and chaired the annual bereavement conference each spring.

Known for her passion and zeal, Elaine shares her unique gifts of caring and humor with audiences across the United States at workshops and seminars, in radio and television appearances, and through her magazine articles, DVDs, books and pamphlets.

Elaine believes “If their song is to continue, then we must do the singing.”

Sweet Memories

By Elaine E. Stillwell, published by Centering Corporation, judged outstanding by the Parents Council Review, is a handson crafts book for grieving children, with the gentle assistance of an adult, filled with ways to make things to help them remember and share their special person who died, whether it be Grandma or Grandpa, Mom or Dad, sister or brother, best friend, or family pet, using the things they gave them or left behind. Since children love crafts, making any of the craft ideas suggested in the book offers a chance for kids to be creative, inventive, wacky, loving, sentimental and to talk about the person who has died. It is a wonderful lesson in caring and sharing, a perfect gift in handy children’s size, ready to help tiny grieving hearts. Age range: Preschoolers with help of an adult, or Young Readers 8-12. $4.95 Available at Centering Corporation, www.centering.org, booksellers, and www.amazon.com .

A Forever Angel

By Elaine E. Stillwell, published by Centering Corporation, offers children the magical healing of creating angels for different occasions and major holidays in honor of their loved one who died. Designing angel cards, frames, pillows, candles, cookies and more, children share these homemade Forever Angels with people they choose, keeping their special person’s memory alive. A special gift for grieving children, the book offers a subtle way to have them open-up and talk about the person who died. Recommended for use by teachers, counselors and support groups. Ages 8-16. $8.95 Available at Centering Corporation, www.centering.org, booksellers, and www.amazon.com.

Stepping Stones for the Bereaved

By Elaine E. Stillwell, published by Liguori Publications (also available in Spanish), is a 24-page pamphlet filled with inspiring Christian meditations inviting Jesus into your heart as you share your sorrow with Him and ponder ways to empower yourself to walk the stepping stones to a place of comfort and peace within yourself. Its handy size is perfect to tuck into your pocket or purse, to attach to a bouquet, or to slip into a card or note to a grieving friend, sharing comforting thoughts and healing ideas. $1.00 (discounts on 50 or more pamphlets) Available at Liguori Publications (Toll-free 1-800-325-9521) The Death of a Child: Reflections for Grieving Parents

By Elaine E. Stillwell, published by ACTA Publications, offers hope and peace for the heart, simply sharing what has helped her and many other bereaved parents to cope, survive and have a meaningful life again. Speaking through the experience of losing her own two oldest children in a car accident, the book is “user friendly” (and actually helpful for all losses we are told). In a warm, conversational voice, like sitting and talking together in your living room, Elaine guides bereaved parents through the roller coaster ride of grief, offering positive thoughts and ideas to try. The book feels like a warm blanket on a snowy night as it envelops you with love, knowledge, faith and confidence for the grief journey. Walk with Elaine as she “sings her children’s song” of life-giving lessons to your heart. $10.95, 160 pages. Available at ACTA Publications (Toll-free 1-800-397-2282),Centering Corporation, booksellers, and www.amazon.com .

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Phone: 866-218-0101

Is it Time to Forgive Yourself?

by Rob Anderson robanderson123@yahoo.com

Each year, I’m invited to an Alumni Night by my support group. Every year, I go to let the newly bereaved know that (if they are willing to work on it) they can survive the deaths of their children and lead good lives again. Now, close to fourteen years down the road, my smile and the life of my son came back to me years ago.

Near the end of the meeting, as questions and answers went back and forth, a bereaved father said quietly under his breath, “I wonder what more we could have done? What decisions should we have made differently?” There was pain in his voice and he had tears in his eyes. I suspect there was guilt in his heart, too. His daughter had died from complications brought on by diabetes. Then, someone else spoke quickly and we never got back to him. On my way home, I started thinking about self forgiveness and what a great benefit it can be on the journey to a better life.

Those feelings of guilt associated with, “If only…” or, “Why didn’t…” or, “Should we have…” are common. We think back and ruminate over and over about the decisions we made (or didn’t make). We try to figure out how it all went wrong when our child died. It’s easy to beat ourselves up with, “What if?” ©Grief Digest Magazine–www.griefdigestmagazine.com –10–

When we make a decision, we think it’s the correct decision at that time. If we think it’s wrong, we don’t decide to move forward. Before we make a decision, we use the information available to us based on our past experiences, advice from others and our best judgment.

We mix some, or all, of those together and sometimes it’s just a “best guess,” but when we do it, we always, always, think it’s the right thing to do.

For the man who thinks maybe they could have done more for their diabetic daughter, he may be saying, “Was there another test or another medicine or another therapy that could have helped her live?” Even if there had been, he had no way of knowing it. Perhaps a medication was still being formulated, but it was never seen by him. He couldn’t have done anything different than what he did. He did his best.

Even the person who gets upset with the boss and yells at him decided at some point that yelling at the boss was the right thing to do. As he was yelling, he may have thought, “This is wrong,” but he went ahead anyway because he had previously decided it was right.

In hindsight, it probably wasn’t the right thing to do, but at the moment it was chosen, it felt right. That’s why second guessing can be so destructive. “Why did I decide to yell at my boss? That was really dumb.” It only was dumb because at the choice point it lacked information. Hindsight is always 20/20!

What do we do with the guilt when we find that the decision we thought was right turned out to be wrong?

(Or, if we didn’t make any decision at all?) If we even occasionally say, “What if, what if, what if,” our guilt, and the horrible emotions that brings might never leave. They can abuse us and tear us apart, and they have the potential to destroy our relationships with others.

Some decisions work out, and some don’t. If it turns out the decision you made was wrong or not even made (which is a decision too), you then use that experience to make a better decision next time. Perfect doesn’t visit us all that often. We can make a perfectly round tire or find a perfect answer to a math problem, but “humans” and “perfect” and “emotions” just don’t go together too frequently.

Any decisions we made in regard to our children, were made in the best way we could with the information available to us at that time. We did what we thought was right. If we hadn’t thought it was right, we wouldn’t have made it! What’s been done can’t be undone, only learned from. Even if we later say, “I could have done better,” there was no way for us to know it at that time. “I could have done better,” is second guessing, and it’s not healthy or productive.

Let’s say your child died in a car accident after you gave him the car keys and you’re now saying, “If I hadn’t given him the keys, he wouldn’t have died.” You had no way of knowing he was going to have an accident and die. If you had thought he was going to die, you certainly wouldn’t have given him the keys.

For those parents whose child completed suicide, you may be saying, “How could we have missed the signs?

Why were we so stupid?” You didn’t see the signs because that information wasn’t available to you yet.

If you’d seen them, you would have certainly acted differently.

First of all, feel the guilt and try to understand why you have the guilt. Don’t run from it, deny it or try to hide it. Investigate it and learn from it. Do your best to express it in positive ways by talking or writing about it, beating up a pillow, crying or any other way that works for you. Let the guilt in, experience it. Let it out through positive expression, and then do your best to let it go. Let it in, let it out, let it go. There’s no upside to guilt if it creates an ongoing disturbance in your life, in the relationship with your child, or with others in your life.

To move forward in your journey, try this to see if it can help. If you say, “I did the best I could at the time with the information I had and I forgive myself for any mistakes I may have made,” and if you truly believe that, the guilt can disappear and be gone forever.

One way that can facilitate letting go of your guilt is to speak, or write, an apology to your child and to ask for their forgiveness. They will surely give their forgiveness! They know you did the best you could at the time you made your decisions. You believed your choices were correct or you wouldn’t have made them.

Even if you now believe you could have done better, you did the best you could based on what you knew at the time.

By speaking your request out loud, or writing it down, you give it a voice. It’s no longer hidden in an unspoken thought or action. The guilt is being released from your inner prison, and once it’s out, it can leave.

If it’s never out, it can never leave. When it’s gone, you can work at forgiving yourself. Forgiving yourself can be a significant step forward in finding your smile and finding the blessing in the life of your child. You did the best you could; try and forgive yourself.

Volume 10, issue #1–Phone: 1-866-218-0101 –11–

The Toolbox:

Lessons About Life and Grief

Jan Borgman, MSW, LISW-S, FT My dad loved tools; he had a tool for every need. I used to tease him that his favorite TV show was Tool Time, his favorite reading material was the Craftsman catalog and his favorite vacation spot was the tool territory at Sears. When he wanted to take a walk, he would go to the local hardware store and be gone for hours as he walked every aisle.

When I reflect on his life and the lessons he taught me, I realize that by using the analogy of a toolbox, he gave me the tools to be successful. Those lessons also include ways to deal with grief.

• The toolbox is a place to house your tools so you will always know where they are when you need them.

• The toolbox represents your home, family and friends, and they are there when we need them. When you are grieving, you know to whom you can turn when you need support or assistance. ©Grief Digest Magazine–www.griefdigestmagazine.com –12–

• Every toolbox needs a tape measure: measure twice, cut once. Never estimate, always measure.

The real measure of people is in the size of their hearts. The only person you have to measure up to is yourself. The love and memories you hold are the true measure of the person who died. You should let others know how you feel about them and how they have touched your heart.

• A toolbox should have graph paper and a pencil.

Any project can be plotted out. Trace it, recreate it, or create your own pattern. Life doesn’t come with an instruction book. Sometimes you have to figure it out yourself. Use a pencil so mistakes can be erased. Be your own person, and remember that a multitude of mistakes can be erased with love and forgiveness. There is no simple way to deal with grief, nor is there one “right” way. You will have to figure out what is best for you and create new memories that will bring meaning to your life. You may need to forgive past hurts and to ask for forgiveness.

• You will need a level in your toolbox to make sure your project is straight and balanced. To be successful in life, you need to be level-headed and balance yourself between obligation and responsibility. As you grieve, give yourself permission to take the time you need to make decisions. Sometimes things will seem out of control, but, with time, you will find balance.

• Your toolbox needs at least two screw drivers: a flat-head and a Phillips. In life, one size doesn’t fit all. Each job is unique, and, to be successful, you need to use the right tool. Believe in yourself and your own uniqueness. Your grief journey is uniquely your own. Don’t allow others to minimize your experience or compare your grief journey to others. All people do not grieve in the same way.

• To secure items, your toolbox will need screws and anchors. They are often the smallest items in the tool box but they can be the mightiest. When anchored correctly, they can hold the heaviest project. Don’t underestimate your value in life.

You can always be an anchor and a support for someone else. Allow others to help you. Grief can be overwhelming, and sometimes you need support from others. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength.

• Another item in your toolbox could be a claw hammer. It is versatile and easy to use when you need a little prodding or tap in order to grow. You also have the ability to give a gentle tap or prod of encouragement to help someone else succeed.

Sometimes you need to be challenged in your

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grief in order to get through the grief and learn to live your life without your loved one. Surround yourself with those who will encourage you as well as challenge you in your grief journey.

There should be a bottle of tacky glue in your toolbox. When all else fails, it will hold things together that you never thought possible. Family and friends are the glue that holds you together no matter what you are going through. Memories can be the glue that helps bond the past with the present. Learning to reinvest in life doesn’t mean forgetting the person who died.

You will need a collection of clamps in your toolbox. Clamps can bond a project together until it is dry or stabilized. Family, friends and other grievers can be the “clamps” in life that help stabilize you, especially in rough times.

Sometimes, when you are grieving, you need extra support. Allow others to help you until you are able to move forward with your life.

Have a variety of paints on hand in your toolbox, so scratches and dents can be filled in. Because you are loved, mistakes can always be touched up. You will have a variety of experiences and emotions while you’re grieving, so tears and laughter will be part of the journey.

Always have a reliable set of jumper cables, because there are times when you will need a boost or someone else will need a jump start.

Reach out and help those who need to be recharged. Know who you can call when you are having a bad day or need someone to cry or laugh with. It’s okay to have times when you need others to help you through a tough time.

Make sure you always have a working flashlight.

It helps you see in the dark, gets you through a storm, can be a signal when you are lost— and you never know when you may have the opportunity to be a light for some else. You don’t have to go through the journey of grief in the dark, alone.

You don’t need the most expensive tools; you need the most reliable ones. You don’t have to be the best, just do the best you can, and be reliable.

There are no words to ease the pain of grief.

It’s often the smallest of gestures that mean the most. Being present is often the best gift to give someone who is grieving.

Everyone needs a “life toolbox.” Believe in the grief tools (family, friends and other grievers) who are part of your life, and believe in the lessons they have taught and will teach you about living and grieving.

Volume 10, issue #1–Phone: 1-866-218-0101 –13–

I recoil, even reel, when I sometimes hear that there could be anything positive about a child dying before his/her parents. I’ve never been one of those “glass half-empty” types, nor am I a “Pollyanna” person. In fact, I have always considered myself an optimistic realist.

©Grief Digest Magazine–www.griefdigestmagazine.com –14–

Is there a Positive Side to This Pain?

Daina Simpson Mahon burleson.adventist@sbcglobal.net I recoil, even reel, when I sometimes hear that there could be anything positive about a child dying before his/her parents. I’ve never been one of those “glass half-empty” types, nor am I a “Pollyanna” person. In fact, I have always considered myself an optimistic realist. I was mostly upbeat, mostly encouraging and always looking for the best in people even if I felt disappointed in their behavior. Consequently, when my only child was killed, not only did I lose my bearings, I lost my cheerful nature and the ideal that all would be right with the world in spite of the present circumstances.

How does one recover the ability to be upbeat and optimistic when the heart is an open chasm? I have a friend whose son died two years after my daughter was killed, and when we had lunch a few months into her grieving she said, “I have never been a sad person. I can’t see myself as a sad person.” While I heard her words, at the time I did not say what I should have because I knew she felt like she had lost her identity, just as I felt like I had lost mine. I would like to have said, “Sadness over the death of your son is acceptable, needful and may bring a deeper wisdom than the rest of the world can grasp.”

As an educator I have heard counselors say, “He/ she is experiencing an existential identity crisis.”

This pronouncement meant that the student was struggling with expectations, moral compass or the inability to be independent of parental control. A grieving parent may also experience an existential identity crisis. The new identity of the role of parentof-a-deceased-child in our culture is interpreted as no longer being a parent. If one has a living child whose sibling died, our cultural belief seems to be, “You have so much to live for; carry on as you always have before.” In both cases, the burden is placed on the bereaved to adapt quickly and just continue life. We, of course, know that is impossible. Our identity crisis remains, and the landscape of our lives is foreign.

As I have muddled through in my new role, I have made discoveries about myself and about others.

I have discovered that I know what I need. I have discovered that my intuition about what I need must be listened to or I will not only regret having a deaf ear, but I will deal with the consequences of not listening to my inner voice.

Have you ever found yourself in this situation? You know your energy is low. You know you are having a hard time coping with everyday conversations about gas prices, politics, lazy children, insensitive teachers, inconsiderate spouses, etc. Yet, you force yourself to go to the family gathering or dinner with friends. You find yourself beginning to seethe at the triviality of the conversations, and you attempt to make a graceful exit but manage to offend by lashing out at someone’s quip. Or, you come off as curt when you attempt to explain that you are just not ready to participate even though they have said, “you look so good and seem so much better.” Lesson learned, I thought at the time. Pay attention to your own needs. You know when you can or cannot cope; you know when you can take part. Well-meaning though someone may be, they really do not know what you need.

Maya Angelou wrote, “It is healthy and honorable to weep at the loss of someone we love; healthy because such passion must be released; honorable because it is respectful to admit the importance of people who have loved and supported us…people whose footprints cannot ever be matched.”

Of late, I have begun to realize that I have a new wisdom in my life. It is not a wisdom I wanted, and it is against my will, but it is a part of my new identity.

I recognize myself in this new wisdom. I see my daughter’s wisdom in my own. She felt comfortable with her humanness. I did not always have that; now I do. So, in a way, that is a positive in my pain. I have gained the wisdom to be compassionate when I don’t understand what someone else is going through. I have gained the wisdom of strength when facing the insurmountable. (Haven’t we been through the worst?) I acknowledge that grief brought the wisdom to be helpful to others who are newer than I to this grief journey. Wisdom is of much value in this world.

Wisdom is to be cherished. Our new identities have given us something to be treasured. That is of worth.

Wisdom is a positive in the midst of the pain.

“I endeavor…to be wise when I cannot be merry, easy when I cannot be glad, content with what cannot be mended, and patient when there is no redress.” Elizabeth Montagu, writer, editor, publisher, and psychologist

Volume 10, issue #1–Phone: 1-866-218-0101 –15–

My son and his family get up each day. They go to work and to school, cook dinner and mow the lawn. They raise that curious, rambunctious puppy that fills their busy days with its creature needs and puppy loves.

Growing Up

By Janet Tripp

Minneapolis, Minnesota trippjanet@yahoo.com

My son Artie was an easy, laid-back kind of child. He was fun to be with and tender hearted. The year we pruned our apple tree, I came out the back door to find a limb the size of my arm propped up in a soup can of water.

“That was where the squirrels always sat in the apple tree,” he said. “I’m trying to save it.”

©Grief Digest Magazine–www.griefdigestmagazine.com –16–

While the adolescent turmoil of his older brother and sister raged turbulent though the house, he played safe and content with Legos and Matchbox cars under the dining room table. He grew into an idealistic young man who, after flunking out of college, lived for two years as a vegetarian at Holden Village in the Cascade Mountains of Washington.

Holden, once a copper mining town, serves now as a Lutheran retreat center, reached at the end of a long lake, atop a twisting mountain road. The staff there leads an insular life, spirit based and justice seeking.

They sing and cook and recycle their way through the days, complete and happy in the prospect of a better world. Artie worked as a woodcutter, fire fighter, garbologist and plumbers assistant, coming home only when his sister had her first child. He felt it was time to be an uncle, a brother and a son again.

sight. My granddaughter is dead, and I can’t help my child. I can’t lessen his pain. I can’t make him grieve, as I think he should, following the grief recipe that would shape him back into the proud, new father that he once was. He will never again be that naïve young man, nor will I ever be that complacent grandmother blindly believing all babies celebrate a first birthday, sit by their grandma’s side to show they’ve learned to read, become exasperating teenagers, leave home, get married and have another healthy, happy baby who will celebrate its first birthday.

I know this grief won’t end. It will only change and lessen. We will not get over it, but we will learn to live beside it. We will hold our memories in our hearts and rely on the promise that the thoughts that now make us mourn will one day make us smile.

He returned a little older and a little wiser, his status greatly elevated in his big brother’s eyes by his prowess with the chainsaw. After becoming a journeyman plumber, he married a lovely young woman with two daughters, nine- and ten-years of age. In short order, he enlisted help in renovating the basement of their home into a family room and bedrooms for the girls. Baby sister, Marie, was on the way, and space was needed for his growing family.

When she arrived Marie filled their busy days to overflowing. A baby quickly becomes the heart of the family, and this baby girl was her father’s great joy.

Then, at five-and-a-half months of age, my son’s baby died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. There is no known cause for SIDS. No reason for healthy babies to stop breathing, but sometimes they do. She did not wake up from her nap, and then she was gone.

This grandmother will continue to walk through the door into the circle of a grief group that has become family. In this space, we say how it is, as often as we need, no matter how it sounds. We speak the words over and over and over until it is enough. Each year, on her birthday, our family and friends gather for a memorial walk. We want to remember that she lived among us…infant daughter, baby sister, grandchild, niece and cousin.

When I stood on that frozen, cemetery ground, the icy wind whipping our coats, I looked at the pink marbled casket crowned by a wreath of daises, and I knew the world would never be the same. I knew my child was gone forever, and in his place stood a silent, grief-stricken man.

He cannot say his daughter’s name and look you in the eye. He drinks a little too much and hugs his thoughts to himself. He fences in the back yard, landscapes a weed patch by the front door, coats a picnic table with a dozen layers of varnish and buys the new puppy his girls have been begging for, but he cannot say, “Marie.”

I have searched everywhere for consolation. Time has passed; the sharp edges of grief are a dull pain now.

It is better, but the grief is not gone, nor is the end in

My son and his family get up each day. They go to work and to school, cook dinner and mow the lawn.

They raise that curious, rambunctious puppy that fills their busy days with its creature needs and puppy loves.

My child is gone forever, snatched away by the rough hand that is life. In his place a man now stands, still grieving, but learning to live. The task, for all of us, is to savor this life denied our baby—for her sake and for our own.

Postscript Time has passed since this writing. We continue to live our lives around a quiet grief and work toward wholeness. My son has seen a therapist who works with Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, a therapy effective in helping process emotionally traumatic experiences. He tells me it has helped a lot. He tells me that his whole family is happier. As a mother, this is news I welcome and am grateful for. In appreciation for the support my grief group provided, I am scheduled to take facilitator training. Perhaps I can pass on a little of the consolation and healing.

Volume 10, issue #1–Phone: 1-866-218-0101 –17–

Learning to Live Fully After Loss

By Coralease Cox Ruff Cora_ruff@verizon.net

Just four little words said it all, “she didn’t make it!”

“Who didn’t make it? I shouted in horror. The telephone caller stammered, “Kandy has-s just p-p-passed away-y. I am so-o-o- very sorry!” Stunned, I fell back in my chair, covering my mouth to muffle my screams! My officemate began hugging me tightly. An earlier call had informed us that a front loader (construction equipment) had struck my daughter’s little Toyota Corolla. At that point, she had lost a lot of blood and had been rushed to the nearest hospital.

In a flash, my mind reverted back to Memorial Day, 1975, when my first-born, my only daughter, moved into our home and our hearts. During her twenty-one years she not only surpassed my hopes and dreams for her life, but she went on to touch the world. She was an energetic and precocious child who grew into a beautiful young woman. Her mega-watt smile and her contagious laughter filled our home. There was never a dull moment when she was around.

She not only loved to travel but had already made three trips to Europe. Now, she had been leaving home for another trip that would last a year. With a hug and kiss goodbye, she had set off on a short drive to the airport to a new adventure. Her happiness and excitement were contagious. Little did I know that I would never see her alive again. ©Grief Digest Magazine–www.griefdigestmagazine.com –18–

Less than three months later, I was forced to address a question she had asked of me several months earlier, “Mom, how would you deal with my death?”

“How could you say something so terrible or even think that?” I shrieked. This puzzling, yet unexplained, conversation ended abruptly. Could she have had a premonition? A few months later, I was face-to-face with the gruesome reality of how to cope with her tragic death and how to put my shattered life back together.

At first, I was conflicted, but I forced myself to visit the scene of the accident. While we were in Santiago, where she had been living, we visited many places she had enjoyed. We toured her new apartment, drove past the hospital where she had received care and the street where the accident occurred. We met her surrogate family and new friends and attended a memorial service for her. She really had touched many lives. All of these meaningful connections began the healing process.

Then it was home again to plan a funeral for my daughter, instead of the wedding I had hoped to plan one day. In the service, I tried my best to celebrate her short but rich life. I invited three of her friends to provide reflections, and our minister delivered the eulogy, which was a combination of some of Kandy’s personal writings with scriptures from the Apostle Paul. The healing that had begun at the scene of the accident continued through the funeral. However, it did nothing to prepare me for the long and painful road where tears and heartache were constant companions.

I was helpless to do anything except cry and muddle through dark days that had no meaning; living was no longer of interest to me. Soon enough, I rationalized, that while my husband could eventually find a new wife, my son needed his mom! That inspired me to go on living.

Another way I learned to live again was through reading and learning about grief. Even though concentration was nearly impossible, reading was a tremendous source of comfort during those early days of pain and despair. It taught me two important lessons: one, that my overwhelming feelings were both normal and temporary, and two, that I’d eventually get better.

Just as learning about grief was therapeutic for me, so was talking about it. I talked to anyone who would listen. I also had a chance to talk about Kandy in my support group. First I talked about the accident that took her wonderful life. I talked about the awesome daughter she was in life, and how much it hurt that she was gone forever. I continue to talk about her, so none of us will ever forget her.

Writing became another outlet for my pain. My trembling hands often scribbled feelings on a piece of paper that revealed anger, frustration, helplessness and longing. Later my writing became more orderly, and I could see changes over time. Many years later, I wrote a book about her life, also aimed at keeping her memory alive.

I feel connected to her through The Candice M. Ruff Memorial Scholarship that my husband and I established at her alma mater. We select each of the eleven Candice Ruff scholars on the basis of a life story that closely paralleled our daughter’s life.

The major themes of her life were Christian living, academic excellence, attention to spiritual, physical and emotional development, clear personal and career goals, and outstanding service to others. Her double major in Psychology and Spanish, along with a keen interest in religion, led to her career objective of missionary service. Regarding her upcoming trip to the Dominican Republic she said, “I choose to go on a mission where I can continue doing work that has eternal significance.”

Her desire was to use her Spanish-language skills to share Christ with the ever-increasing number of Spanish-speaking people in the United States.

Additionally, by attending a support group, I learned to live again. This group called, The Compassionate Friends was truly a lifesaver. Meeting other bereaved parents was both inspirational and educational. We learn so much from each other. In this safe place, I have found unconditional acceptance, love, support and shoulders to cry on.

As my healing journey continued, my life took an unexpected twist. I answered the call to reach out to others. To this end, I established a new chapter of The Compassionate Friends. Listening to other bereaved parents, while walking with them along their journey, not only lightened my own grief, but also gave my life new meaning.

It is possible to live fully after carrying the heavy burden of grief. It occurs gradually after a lot of hard work, but it can happen. It has been more than fourteen years since my beloved daughter, Kandy, died, and not one day passes that I don’t think of her. I still miss her and long to have her here, but it no longer hurts as badly. My life has been forever changed to a new normal.

Your life without your loved one can also get better.

You, too, can learn to live fully by reading and learning about grief and facing the pain head on. This requires giving voice to your grief by talking and/or writing about it; remaining connected through memories of your loved one and, finally, through reaching out to help others.

Volume 10, issue #1–Phone: 1-866-218-0101 –19–

Her

Light

Still

now

Shines

10%

Off, $17.96

A Beloved Daughter’s Story and Her Mother’s Grief Journey

By Coralease Cox Ruff, PhD, RN A bereaved mother and grief educator, Coralease Cox Ruff skillfully combines her daughter’s biography with a grief book to produce Her Light Still Shines, a beautiful tribute to her daughter and an invaluable guide for bereaved parents.

This moving story celebrates the life of Candice M. Ruff who profoundly touched many lives in her short 21 years. Her mother lovingly presents the mirrors that form the kaleidoscope of her life by incorporating Candice’s writings and friends’ reflections with Coralease’s own thoughts. Starting from her early memories of Candice as a child and going through to the devastating accident that took away her daughter too soon, Coralease celebrates Candice’s extraordinary life.

This written memorial can serve as a model for other bereaved parents and as a compass that identifies landmarks and coping strategies along a mother’s grief journey. With amazing candor, love, and gentleness, Her Light Still Shines, is a beacon to newly bereaved parents. Learn to keep your child’s memory alive on your journey toward healing and feel the warmth of your child’s shining light forever. $17.96 on www.centering.org Product code is HLWB ISBN10: 0-5954-8468-9 ISBN13: 978-0-5954-8468-3 To order call toll free 866-218-0101 Volume 9, issue #3–Phone: 1-866-218-0101 –37–

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1/16/12 3:21 PM

©Grief Digest Magazine–www.griefdigestmagazine.com –20–

When the Holidays Hurt

NEW

$7.95

Find dozens of healing holiday thoughts under one cover that will give you inspiration and peace. Learn how to unwrap and add heartwarming, commemorative rituals that heal the pain of loss. These suggestions are based on decades of programs presented by Nan. Find ways to prepare and make even your first holiday, after the death of your loved one, a meaningful holiday experience.

In these chapters you will discover hope: • Find out how to paint your holiday the way you want it to be • Learn how to tell which traditions are silver and which are gold— to help you decide what you might consider changing or not changing • Share the priceless lessons of the Gifts of Hope that can heal your holiday grief with a lesson from a fortune cookie • Determine which boxes are under your Christmas tree that can outshine the mysteries of Pandora’s Box.

When the Holidays Hurt - Program Guides and Books by Nan Since 1997, Nan, and her husband Gary, have inspired the bereaved through community holiday programs for those who grieve. They offer ideas to preserve holiday sanity and sanctity and help the bereaved prepare for unexpected emotions. In these theme based programs, Nan outlines an entire program that you can use for your group, your community, or your event. Programs are designed for 10-200 people and include an opening prayer or story, complete program dialogue, and inter-active discussion activity. Program descriptions are available at the website.

Programs can be purchased and downloaded online at www.wingsgrief.org using the BUY NOW feature, or you can order the printed Program Guide either through the website or directly from Wings. $10 each (shipping extra)

By mail: Wings, P. O. Box 1051, Wausau, WI 54402-1051 By phone: 715-845-4159 • By email: wings1@charter.net Website: wingsgrief.org (PayPal accepted); centering.org

Volume 10, issue #1–Phone: 1-866-218-0101 –21–

Grief without Belief

By Deirdre Felton Whether or not we share a specific belief system there is a sense of solidarity when it comes to dying. Dr. Albert Schweitzer said that he found there was “a fellowship of those who bear the mark of pain,” and that “sensitivity to human suffering does not stand alone and rootless.” We have all stood over different graves and have had different beliefs as to the fate of our loved ones, but our tears remain a universal constant and need no translation.

There was a recent article by Kimberly Winston from the Religion News Service entitled, Grief without God, wherein she discusses the challenges for an atheist who grieves without a specific belief system. She writes of parents who chose to leave support groups because they didn’t share the views of other participants who spoke hopefully of “holding their children again” in an afterlife.

One anguished mother commented in the piece that her loss was so absolute that to suggest otherwise was to dismiss its magnitude. So how do non-theists cope without the “trappings” or support of religious ritual and belief? Where is there a space for them in what is essentially a theistic culture? One place to look is at the Facebook page entitled, “Grief Beyond Belief,” where one of the tenets of the Bill of Rights for the Grieving is, “You have the right not to be grateful, reasonable, inspired or inspiring.” Another would be the book “Godless Grief” by Cathe Jones whose work has generated an online community of like-minded grievers.

©Grief Digest Magazine–www.griefdigestmagazine.com –22–

Creating rituals for non-theists would also seem to be of importance. Rituals have been with us over many millennia. Flower pollen has been traced back over forty-thousand years in caves in Scandinavia, placed on the bodies buried deep within their caverns by mourning loved ones. Rituals not only link us to our past but provide a way to cope with everyday life. They acknowledge the trauma, but also the survival of the living. The community has been damaged as well as the individual. It matters that we were here. It matters that we are no more, and it surely matters that someone cares enough to notice. Rituals affirm who we are and where we fit in to the universe. No one wants to slip into oblivion. Being erased from memory may, in the end, constitute one of our deepest fears.

Perhaps the ultimate secular memorial in America is simply known as “The Wall.” When twenty-one-year old Maya Lin proposed the architectural plan for the Vietnam Memorial in our nation’s capital, there was much opposition, some of it quite brutal as I recall.

Now, thirty years later, it is universally acknowledged to be part of our national psyche. To be there, to see the endless blocks of thousands of names carved into the smooth stone, to have to walk down, only to walk back up to re-emerge into the world gives not only the sense of the enormity of our losses, but speaks with quiet dignity and respect. People leave toys, flowers, photos, letters and military mementos to such an extent that a museum has been set up to hold them all. It is the most visited secular site in the country.

So what might be some options? When the deceased has specified no service and no obituary, there are still ways to fill in the gaps.

• You can write a letter to the deceased and leave it with the body for cremation or burial.

• You can put a notice in the paper on Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, a birthday or other anniversary.

• You can donate your body to science, thus bringing hope that what is learned may yet help the living.

• There can be a public gathering in a secular setting at a later date. When a colleague of mine died who had done pioneering work in the AIDS community and later succumbed to the disease himself, a gathering was held in his memory. Three months later in a concert hall, several people spoke, and a chamber orchestra played a number of his favorite Mozart works. I like to think that he would have been pleased.

Over twenty years ago when what was known as the Quilt Project in memory of AIDS victims was touring the country it came to Phoenix where I was living at the time. It took over the Phoenix Civic Center and there were literally thousands of quilts… on the floor, on the wall and hanging from the ceiling.

As a volunteer it was my job to find the names on a computer printout that matched a specific quilt. Never will I forget the older couple who approached me for assistance. They were in their seventies I would guess and the woman was pulling a small oxygen tank behind her. We walked quite a distance until the quilt they were searching for was located. I found two chairs and left them to their grief and their thoughts.

Bearing witness is also a way to bring comfort to the living. A recent article in the New York Times by Hiroko Tabuchi recalled the first anniversary of the tsunami in Japan. He spoke of a retired undertaker, a Mr. Atsushi Chita, who had spent countless hours cleaning the faces of identified victims as best he could so that the grieving family members would know that cultural rituals had been observed and that their loved ones had not been alone in death. My sister-in-law, who is Japanese, impressed upon me at the time how vital it was that even in catastrophic circumstances the body be treated with respect and dignity.

I am thinking of all who bore witness at the makeshift morgue in lower Manhattan after 9/11. Some were clergy, many were not, yet there was a common sense of humanity that united them in their goal of showing dignity and respect, knowing that loved ones could not, and also understanding that the fragmented remains might never be identified.

Later as I was helping them to find the exit back into the hot July desert sun they told me that the quilt had been made in honor of their grandson who had died with AIDS. His sister, their granddaughter, had made it in secret. The man’s parents had been so ashamed that they had refused to hold a funeral for him. This quilt had been his sister’s memorial to him. Looking back on it now I realize that in those few minutes spent in tears and quiet contemplation sitting in front of that quilt, this young man’s grandparents were in fact making a cemetery visit. It was as close as they were going to get to memorializing him. It was a completely secular moment, but none the less powerful, and I’ll never forget it.

The needs of our communities are changing. There must be room for all who grieve…for those who rely on age-old structures and beliefs as well as for those who do not share in those traditions. Let us never say that we are not up to the task. We owe it to one another to bear witness to the pain of our neighbors, wherever that may lead.

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By Claudia Grammatico

I would like to take this opportunity to share with you my personal experience with suicide as a child growing up in a family who squirmed about suicide. It is because of this experience that I am so passionate now about bridging and connecting with care, compassion, concern and hope.

I grew up in a strict Italian home where suicide was a taboo subject even though it was evident, palpable, and it permeated the air at all times. My mother had a twenty-six-year-old younger brother who was a very gifted artist and sculptor. He taught art at Pratt Institute in Brooklyn, New York. Every evening, he left Pratt and took the subway back home to Brooklyn where the family lived.

One particular evening, while walking between subway cars to find a seat, he fell between two cars. An artist and a sculptor, he lost his hands and arms, and he was horribly disfigured. He was in the hospital for over six months. When he finally returned home, he was lovingly cared for by my grandmother, my mother and her sister. However, severe depression reigned, and one day while my mother and grandmother were out shopping, he went to the roof of the apartment building and jumped to his death.

Afterward, it was never discussed, and his art work was put into storage. As years passed, I wanted to know more about his work and to see his art pieces, but the subject was not allowed, even though it took a lot of energy on the part of the family to be silent and cover

up. My mother’s lips, her siblings’ lips and my father’s lips were all sealed by a silent, cultural wax that prevented any mention of the subject of suicide.

Little did I ever think that eventually I would also become a bereaved mom like my grandmother, but I lost my precious son, Paul, to a drunk driver. My own mother (like her mother before her) then became a bereaved grandmother, and my daughter, Christine, became a bereaved sibling (as my mother had been for so long). Over the years, Christine tried to speak to my mother as “one sibling to another,” but my mom’s eyes and ears stayed tightly zipped.

My mom never spoke to me about my journey when Paul died; she just became depressed and mute from that day on. When I went for grief therapy, I tried to share with her what I learned, but she just turned her head away.

When the family went to the court hearing trial, she chose not to attend.

Later, when achievements started to happen in Paul’s memory, she chose to remain in the background. Paul was her only grandson and also twenty-six-years old when he died. She died four years ago, continuing to keep her distance from any grief work, including mine.

The forbidden suicide subject box had been opened when I appeared on a national TV program with John Edward the physic and, instead of Paul, my uncle came through.

When I told my mother about that, she went

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ballistic! She couldn’t stand the thought of this being on TV, because then everyone would know what her brother had done.

During the filming of that TV segment, my father secretly presented me with a sculptured plaster cast of my Uncle’s hand that he had made before he died. It had been wrapped like a mummy in old cotton tablecloths and hidden in a closet. I was so excited I called the Edward show and told the producer that the reading had brought forth this find of my uncle’s work. Immediately they came to film a segment, and now I have it all as a legacy program because from there John Edward came to finalize filming in the Grammatico Building at Mercy First, in Syosset, New York. All this happened for me and my son/sun because my mother had chosen to remain silent.

After that, three more hidden sculptures were uncovered and now have a place of honor in my home, including photos of my uncle and his art work and his sculpturing tools! Sadly, my mom wore a cloak of shame right up to her death. She could not not see beyond what he did on that one fateful day. She had failed to see that her brother’s true worth, his true wealth and legacy, was his art and who he was as a man.

It takes guts to speak about suicide, but little resurrections do rise up as evidence of growth on the journey. Believe and take a call to action! Your child is your co-pilot in your works of mercy! Our children are in the presence of God and they radiate His Spirit and Grace.

The writing below is a very special sharing from Dr. Norman Vincent Peale. It speaks volumes, and is an instrument of peace and a blessing. Please pass it on.

the loved one who is gone did his best, for as long as he could. Remember, now, that his battles and torments are over. Do not judge him and do not presume to fathom the mind of God where this one of His children is concerned.”

A few years ago, when a young man died by his own hand, a service for him was conducted by his pastor, the Rev. Weston Stevens. What he said that day expresses far more eloquently than I can, the message I am trying to convey. Here are some of his words: “Our friend died on his own battlefield. He was killed in action fighting a civil war. He fought against adversaries that were as real to him as his casket is real to us. They were powerful adversaries. They took toll of his energies and endurance. They exhausted the last vestiges of his courage and his strength. At last these adversaries overwhelmed him. And it appeared that he lost the war.

But did he? I see a host of victories that he has won!

“For one thing, he has won our admiration, because even if he lost the war, we give credit for his bravery on the battlefield. And we give him credit for the courage and pride and hope that he used as his weapons as long as he could. We shall remember not his death, but his daily victories gained through his kindness and thoughtfulness, through his love for family and friends, for animals and books and music, for all things beautiful, lovely and honorable. We shall remember not his last day of defeat, but we shall remember the many days that he was victorious over overwhelming odds. We shall remember not the years we thought he had left, but the intensity with which he lived the years he had. Only God knows what this child of His suffered in the silent skirmishes that took place in his soul. But our consolation is that God does know, and He understands.”

When Someone Takes His own Life Dr. Norman Vincent Peale

In many ways, this seems the most tragic from of death.

Certainly it can entail more shock and grief for those who are left behind than any other. And often the stigma of suicide is what rests most heavily on those left behind...

And my heart goes out to those who are left behind, because I know that they suffer terribly. Children in particular are left under a cloud of differentness all the more terrifying because it can never be fully explained or lifted. The immediate family of the victim is left wide open to tidal waves of guilt: “What did I fail to do that I should have done? What did I do that was wrong?” To such grieving persons I can only say, “Lift up your heads and your hearts. Surely you did your best. And surely

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If you had a broken arm, it would require a cast for at least a couple of months. Then you might have several more weeks of physical therapy.

Don’t Over Commit

By Thom Dennis thomdennis@hotmail.com “Don’t over commit.”

This is the advice one grieving daughter wanted to share with other people who have experienced the death of a loved one. She was concluding a few months of counseling with me and was summarizing the things she had learned about coping with grief. As I asked her to share what advice she might have for people who had recently experienced a loss, she went on to say, “The problem is, the rest of the world goes on with business as usual and they forget that you’re still grieving. You need to remember that just because other people want you to do something, doesn’t mean that you have to do it. Take care of yourself first, and then you will have the energy to help other people.”

It is your turn now That is sage advice from someone who has walked in similar shoes. As a grief counselor, I am constantly saying to people, “It is your turn now.” You were a great advocate at the bedside of your loved one while he was sick. You did the best you could at caring for his needs. You drove him to appointments and stayed awake with him at night. You suffered with him as he struggled for life, and you stayed strong for him even though you felt helpless in the face of overwhelming loss. I think you deserve a break from some of the responsibilities of daily life for awhile. You have earned some time off; it is your turn now.

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One challenge common to those who grieve is the need to now become your own advocate. It is important to do this at a time when you have less emotional energy to invest in yourself. Understand that you suffer with a wounded soul. If you had a broken arm, the situation might be different; then people could see that you need time to heal. But they can’t see a soul wound and unfortunately, grief doesn’t show up on an X-ray or MRI.

Emotional convalescence If you had a broken arm, it would require a cast for at least a couple of months. Then you might have several more weeks of physical therapy. Even then, your physical therapist would instruct you to not pick up anything heavier than a gallon of milk for an extended period of time. If you had a broken arm, there would be a predictable period of convalescence.

Well, the wound you now have goes deeper than bone. It is a wound that strikes at your very core. You are going to need an extended and undetermined period of emotional convalescence.

That is why it is important to resist the temptation to over commit. Your heart needs time to heal, and it cannot heal if other people (and you) expect you to function at business-as-usual levels.

Watch out for personal health issues. So often, family members who become caregivers put off an elective surgery because the patient’s needs were greater than their own needs. While that is understandable, it is your turn now.

The prolonged stress of caregiving and the prolonged stress of grief can be very taxing to your immune system. It is not uncommon for loved ones to get sick after the death of a loved one. Believe me when I tell you, if you do not give your body a break, your body will find a way to make you take a break. I encourage all my clients to see their primary-care physician for a complete physical within the first six months after the death of a loved one. If your doctor is unaware that you have experienced a significant loss, be sure to tell him or her. Doctors are part of your support network. It is important to keep them in the loop.

Another challenge for those who grieve is that other people’s expectations of them often remain high.

Children are “little, need monsters” and they rely on their parents for everything. Spouses can be supportive, but unless they have experienced a similar loss, they may not be able to relate as well as you hope. If you were the primary caregiver, the rest of your family may have been willing to pitch in when Grandma was sick, but they will want you to return to a previous role,

which means attending to their needs quickly. Bosses and co-workers may have been either nominally or very supportive when your loved one was sick, but when you are back to work, they will want you to return to pre-bereavement performance levels ASAP. Customers, clients, check-out clerks and other drivers will not know that you are grieving, so don’t expect them to be patient and understanding.

In a perfect world, all of these people would understand. They would give you the space you need to grieve, to recharge your batteries and to heal. But because it is not a perfect world, you are going to have to be assertive and speak up for yourself. Your number one responsibility right now is to grieve. It takes time to absorb the full impact of the loss. You may notice that you have less energy and need to sleep more. Although lethargy is also a sign of clinical depression, these symptoms are a common part of grief and should return to normal levels when you are properly rested.

How long is this going to take?

That is the big question. Grief is different for every person. The amount of repair time is directly related to the amount of caregiver stress you had, the difficulty of the death experience and the number and types of concurrent life stressors you are experiencing. Unfortunately, our society often mistakenly thinks that grief should be resolved in six months or less, so there is a real disconnect between society’s expectations and your individual needs.

In reality, I don’t think we ever really stop missing someone we love —nor should we. However, eventually we do find ways to adjust to a life without them. We learn to hold onto their memory and we discover new reasons for hope and new ways to find joy.

What to do about it Since I am not a nutritionist or a physical trainer, don’t blindly take my advice. Ask the experts. Generally speaking, the same recommendations that work to diminish the effects of any other life stressor also work for grief. We know we need to eat right, get plenty of rest and exercise. Eating right does not mean we have to deny ourselves that little treat once in a while. It does mean we increase our intake of water, fresh fruits and veggies and we eat lean proteins and healthy carbs.

Though the pleasure has drained out of meal time, take the time to prepare a real meal and sit down in a chair, at a table. No more eating microwave dinners over the sink. Exercise, the kind that gets your heart rate going, is also a key part of your prescription for grief. The American Heart Association recommends that we get

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thirty minutes of aerobic exercise, five days of the week. If you have not exercised in a while, be sure to start slowly.

Again, check with your doctor, but get up off the couch and do something! Go outside and breathe some fresh air, absorb some vitamin D from the sun and experience the beauty of nature.

Consider all the things that bring you comfort. It might be the company of friends, a long hot shower, or watching a mind-numbing movie. Consider your secret indulgences. I give you permission to buy that supermarket tabloid the next time you are stalled in the grocery check-out line. For the next twelve months, you no longer have to think twice about justifying the expense of a massage or pedicure. Take a mental-health day. If you need a note for your employer, teacher or family, tell them I said it was okay.

Don’t bite off more than you can chew The establishment of good boundaries is essential for avoiding over commitment. Remember the old saying, “Which part of NO don’t you understand?” You need to learn how to say, “N-O.” N means “not now, not ever,” and O means “Obviously you are delusional if you think whining about it is going to make me change my mind!”

Okay, that may be a little harsh, but you will want to mentally start there so that you have some room to negotiate your new position. For a good and generous person like you, this new posture will be a challenge. When someone comes to you in need, naturally you will want to be of service. Just be careful to accurately estimate your emotional reserves. Clearly defined boundaries save everyone from the potential anger and disappointed feelings that may come later. Don’t bite off more than you can chew.

Finally, recognize that this is a temporary state of affairs. As time passes, you will regain some of the energy that is currently missing. Nobody but you can say exactly when that will be. When you notice a subtle shift in your mood, you will know that a new day has finally dawned. At some point, you will recognize the spring in your step is back, and your ability to laugh has returned. These and other signs will indicate to you that you can resume lavishing others with your generous heart. Until then, remember this mantra: you can’t give what you don’t have.

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Is Lingering in Grief Right or Wrong?

By Nan Zastrow Wings1@charter.net

Karen’s husband, Dan, died suddenly in an accident.

They had only been married for a short time, and her dreams were shattered. She grieved inconsolably for over a year, but then family and friends began noticing a difference. Karen seemed to shed her gloom and actually began to live again. She confessed to friends that she would never forget her loving husband, but she didn’t want to live in the shadow of grief any longer.

Dan’s mother couldn’t understand the change in Karen and, frankly, was very upset that Karen seemed able to find peace with her loss in such a short time. Wasn’t the death of her husband so devastating that Karen would grieve for years? Why did Dan’s mother find she couldn’t put the loss of her son behind her as quickly as Karen had? The difference in their response to Dan’s death was troubling, and it caused a very strained relationship between Karen and her mother-in-law. It became so troubling that Karen eventually moved to a different city.

In a similar situation, Tom was devastated by the death of his elderly mother from natural causes. Tom had provided caregiving for her for a number of years and over that time developed a deeper understanding of who she really was. Tom’s siblings also grieved deeply for awhile, but then were able to move forward in their lives and talk about their mother through their memories and stories. Tom was upset with his siblings; to him, it seemed as though her passing was almost forgotten.

In each of these cases, individuals were responding to grief of the same person in different ways. Each griever seemed to feel that the other was grieving inappropriately.

Most of us are aware that individuals grieve uniquely and differently. We also realize that different factors may affect how we grieve, such as the relationship to the loss and the cause of death. But, even beyond these essential points of grief, there is something else we can observe.

There are two ways of responding to each loss and grief experience in our lives. We may “Grieve and Go” or “Grieve and Grow,” based on our personal experiences.

I wrote about this in my article, Chasing the Shadow of Grief in the April/May/June, 2012 issue of Grief Digest, and I received a lot of feedback concerning my thoughts that were based on my observations and the personal losses in my own life. While I’ve experienced six sudden deaths and numerous other deaths of close family and

friends, each of my responses to each grief situation was different.

What makes the difference in how we grieve?

How could one grief experience bring me peace in months and another take years?

When my mother died suddenly one week before the birth of my first child, I grieved hard, but within the month, I was able to function just fine. When my dad was accidentally run over by a motor vehicle driven by his brother-in-law, I protested against media coverage, but in a short time I was able to put the negativity behind and heal my pain. When my sister-in-law died of breast cancer at a young age, I carried her loss with me for many months, affected by the impact it had on my brother and his children. After my son died as a result of suicide in 1993, I am still grieving today.

The difference in response is an observation I’ve labeled “Grieve and Go” or “Grieve and Grow.” It seems to sum up the dynamics I’ve seen from families in our support groups and our learning series. They are often faced with the similar dilemmas, and the question inevitably arises…which is right and which is wrong?

Moving forward or remaining suspended in good grief is neither right nor wrong. It just “is.” It becomes what it is because of personal experience. How we grieve a loss is not necessarily defined by the circumstances of the death “Grieve and Go” “Grieve and Go” grievers experience their loss emotionally and spiritually just like everyone else.

However, they process their experience and then let go of the sorrow and pain more quickly than Grieve and Grow grievers. Thus the duration of observable grief symptoms typically has a shorter duration.

“Go” grievers more readily accept that death is a natural part of life and are grateful for the time they shared with the person who died. They capture their shared memories and experiences in their hearts and minds and can recall them with warmth whenever they wish. Their tears of

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love and honor are for who that person was and what that person meant to them. They honor the lessons they have learned, and they will quickly give credit to their benefactor with pride. Sad memories or hurt feelings between them are forgiven and forgotten. “Go” grievers are okay with “going on,” moving forward, telling the stories, and taking their memories with them. Everything about their response is normal and natural.

My mother’s sudden death was a “grieve and go” experience. I was twenty-three when she died. I still remember and repeat her expressions such as, “If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.” I remember how she nurtured me through a life-threatening illness. I remember the baby sweaters and blankets she knitted for my firstborn, though she never got to know her. In honor of her life and death, I mention her name every New Year’s Day. I loved her dearly, and I grieved deeply, but I was able to go forward and take my memories with me. I revisit her connection to my heart on a regular basis.

“Grieve and Grow” “Grieve and Grow” grievers may be impacted by death much harder and longer. For whatever reason, the experience has touched their lives in an extraordinary way. They aren’t about to let it go without gleaning every emotion and lesson possible as they search for the meaning behind the loss. This death is literally, life changing. Initially, it is not perceived as natural or normal. It may come with traumatic ramifications such as “senseless,” “justice needs to be served,” revenge, anger or hopelessness. It often speaks loudly with unanswerable questions such as, “Why?” It sets in motion a period of intense sorrow, unbelievable pain, and maybe even a bit of darkness. It requires looking at the world differently and the feeling of being thrown into a place in the world that is suddenly much larger and Volume 10, issue #1–Phone: 1-866-218-0101 –31–

less safe than they ever imagined. It demands humility and “giving in” to their most vulnerable emotions. It creates tears and fears, and, sometimes, traveling into the bottomless pit of despair.

All this comes before the light at the end of the tunnel with the realization that death escapes no man. “Grow” grievers figure out that they can be who they want to be because of their experience. Then, the transformation of grief begins. Those who “grieve and grow” become challenged to make a difference. I’ve seen and read about those who adopt causes, champion survivors, create legacies, accomplish great feats through physical or mental challenges, and/or become successful in careers that require compassion, sensitivity and community.

These actions become their reality for as long as it is satisfying and necessary. Everything about their response is also normal and natural.

Grieve and Go…or Grieve and Grow? Neither response is right nor wrong, it’s just a way of being that evolves from experience. And this response may differ from one loss to another. Persons with either type of response begin to understand their journey. Both experience the process of “going through” and “letting go.” Both recall the highs and lows, bumps and valleys, triumphs and tragedies that led them through life. Each chooses his or her way to respond to a particular loss. No one can do their grief work for them.

My journey since 1993 and the death of my son, Chad, is definitely “Grieve and Grow.” I continue to learn and to understand myself and my place in the world more each day.

Both kinds of experiences have the ability to enlighten us in the paths we travel.

Loss makes us human and humble. We can have a spiritual experience, and we have the ability to choose the boundaries of that experience.

Enlisting Family and Friends to Understand If you are a “Grieve and Grow” person, how can you help your impatient family and friends accept your choice for the need to linger for a time in your grief?

1. Demonstrate that there is some forward movement by going to groups, seminars and other learning events.

2. Acknowledge their support, and explain that you want this death to be meaningful and purposeful in your life.

3. Explain your challenge or desire to make a difference, and describe how you might do that.

4. Enlist their support if you do take up a cause.

5.

Show that you are healing, even though you grieve, through the new things that you choose to do that are not related to grief.

6. Participate in healing rituals or programs that give you a new perspective and new outlook on the process you are going through. Share your experiences with your family who care about you.

7. Allow your search for meaning to be a personal enlightenment for you that makes you open to possibilities.

8. Take time to talk to family and friends about the things that deeply hurt (your intimate pain) so they can understand why your response to grief has shaken your life. Most people cannot relate to what it is that hurts unless they have had a similar, life-challenging loss or experience. If they have, you can parallel your experience to theirs.

9. Let family and friends know that you don’t expect them to either enable your grief or trivialize your grief symptoms. You don’t want them to treat you as though you are a victim or a patient with a terminal disease. You want them to treat you as someone recovering from a toxic experience. This may take time and trust.

10. Journal your thoughts and discoveries. This will help you visualize how far you’ve come and confirm that you are not getting stuck.

When you finally come to the end of the road, and your feel satisfied that you did what you needed to do, accomplished the goals that you set, or found peace and meaning in your journey, look back with pride on the spiritual adventure you had. Count your blessings for the special person in your life who, through his or her death, allowed you to get a little glimpse of heaven.

Give in to the positive changes in you. Grief can be a continuous path to healing.

Note: “Grief and Go” and “Grieve and Grow” is an opinion and observation by Nan Zastrow. It is not supported by clinical research. Feedback is welcome!

Wings1@charter.net

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A Six-Week Series: Education and Support for Grief, Loss and Transition There is no easy way around the pain of losing a loved one. Grief has no rules and no timetables. Understanding the grieving process can soothe the doubts that linger. Learn about the “surprises” of grief and the emotions that affect you physically, mentally, and spiritually. In this six week series, you will learn what is “normal” during grief.

Come and learn, share feelings, and ask questions to gather hints about picking up the pieces after loss.

This group is an education and support series. It is open to anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one regardless of the circumstances of death. We do not advise or counsel. We listen, teach, and share grief experiences. Getting back to life is not about forgetting, but rather about finding a way to go on without your loved one who died.

2012 Spring Series: Meets Tuesdays: February 21, 28 and March 1, 8, 15, 22 Facilitators: Nan & Gary Zastrow Time: 6:30—8:00 p.m. No Charge. |

2012 Fall Series: Meets Tuesdays: September 18, 25 and Oct. 2, 9, 16, 23

Place: Conference Room A-1, Quality Services, Aspirus Wausau Hospital

15Th ANNUAL UNDERSTANDING GRIEF SPRING CONFERENCE Our Presenter: HAROLD IVAN SMITH (back by request-last presentation 2006) A Community Seminar for the Bereaved and Caregivers | Juggling your Losses in a “Get Over It and Move On” World Date: Thursday, April 12, 2012 | Time: 7:00 pm – 9:00 pm | Holiday Inn Conference Center - at Cedar Creek A Seminar for Professionals and the Bereaved | How to Heal Grief in a “Jerry Springer” Family Date: Friday, April 13, 2012 | Time: 9:00 am – Noon | Holiday Inn Conference Center - at Cedar Creek

2012

hEALING GRIEF Education Programs

NEW! GETTING BACK TO LIFE—AFTER LOSS (2012)

FINDING THE OTHER SIDE OF SADNESS-MOVING FROM GRIEF TO MOURNING Many of us grieve, but not all of us mourn. What is the difference? How do we get unstuck from our feelings of intense grief and move towards a state of “new normal”? It begins with grief work. Family and friends may have considered your grief as “finished”, but you may feel uncertain about facing life without your loved one. This fourweek series is designed for those who feel they are ready to move forward in their grief. It offers strategies for transforming your grief by actively participating in activities that encourage grief work, building a new identity, and making positive choices for healing.

Meets Tuesdays: May 22, 29, and June 5,12 Facilitators: Nan & Gary Zastrow Call: 715-845-4159 Time: 6:30-8:30 p.m. No Charge. Group size is limited. Pre-registration required.

Place: Conference Room A-1, Quality Services, Aspirus Wausau Hospital

16Th ANNUAL hOLIDAY REMEMBRANCE PROGRAM When the Holidays Hurt—for the Bereaved Each year, a theme-based program is presented with fresh ideas and personal insight about coping with grief during the holidays. When someone loved dies, the holidays can be a source of anxiety and added grief. Join us for this inspirational program that helps families cope by giving them options and suggestions for managing their traditions and emotions. Discover ideas for ritual, celebration, and remembrance.

Topic title to be announced.

Presented by: Nan & Gary Zastrow Tuesday, December 4, 2012 | Time: 7—9 p.m. | Place: The Rose Garden

For more information on any of these programs, contact Nan or Gary Zastrow at 715-845-4159, Wings—a Grief Education Ministry or visit our website www.wingsgrief.org or email wings1@charter.net.

Groups facilitated by: Nan & Gary Zastrow, Certified Grief Educators. Pre-registration recommended.

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Grief Services Provider© Certification now available through Distance Learning Grief Inc. and the American Grief Academy® are proud to announce that the Grief Services Provider© Certification is now available as a distance learning course. This is not just an online course—it is a complete learning kit with a comprehensive manual, books, DVDs, CDs, and other learning materials and resources. You can now become certified in the comfort of your own home, at your own pace, alone or with others.

The Grief Services Provider© Distance Learning Certification course is the first level of certification from the American Grief Academy®. Students will gain a thorough understanding of the grief process and explore the many options of follow-up care and support services.

Graduates will be able to begin establishing grief support services or run existing aftercare programs for funeral service, hospice care, or community based grief programs.

Completion of the Grief Services Provider© Distance Learning Certification course is also the first step to our more comprehensive Grief Management Specialist© certification.

Call the American Grief Academy® today for more information about the Grief Services Provider© Distance Learning Certification.

888-564-6018 ©Grief Digest Magazine–www.griefdigestmagazine.com –34–

Good Mourning Ministry

A Prayerful, Practical and Personal Approach to Loss Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Mt 5:4

Good Mourning Ministry is a Catholic bereavement organization, co-founded by Sandy and John O’Shaughnessy, that offers a prayerful, practical and personal exploration through the “valley of grief.” Both Sandy and John lost their first spouses, David and Ann to cancer. John is an author of his memoir, The Greatest Gift that details his journey through grief and a return to hope. Sandy’s late husband died when he was only 35. She is now studying for her masters degree. Together they have raised four children and now feel called to help others who are grieving the loss of a loved one.

Good Mourning Ministry conducts Grieving with Great Hope workshops through Catholic churches. These workshops provide time for personal reflection, prayer and remembrance.

They also educate people on many topics related to grief and mourning. In “Grief Peer Groups,” there are opportunities for discussion and fellowship with others who are going through similar losses.

For more information about Good Mourning Ministry, please visit their website or email goodmouriningministry@hotmail.com.

“John and Sandy- I so enjoyed the last four weeks. I met people that I hope to stay in touch with and know I’ll never forget. I would recommend to anyone in pain. I am better having done this program.”

“Thank

“This journey has taken me to classrooms I would never have seen and taught me things I would never have known.”

John O’Shaughnessy The Greatest Gift

you for your incredible ministry and the comfort you have given our family.

It has strengthened us for our uncharted journey ahead.”

Website www.goodmourningministry.net

forever missed

www.forevermissed.com - Create a Free Memorial Website more information on free memorial web sites is available online at http://griefdigestmagazine.com/about/forever-missed

Increasingly, people are looking to online technologies to cope with the loss of a loved one and connect with their grieving community.

From the very beginning, our team focused on making our service easy to use. We have spared no effort in making sure that people with even modest computer skills can easily create a web site and fill it with photos, stories and more.

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To order call toll free 866-218-0101 or visit www.centering.org

Writing Your Grief Story

by Lori Russel-Chapin, PhD Price: $14.95 SALE: $11.21

Widows Wear Stilettos

by Carole Brody Fleet with Syd Harriet, PhD, PsyD Price: $14.95

The Reason

by Sally Grablick Price: $18.99

Children & Teen Resources

ICKY by Nancy Dodge A Story of Hope & Healing for Children of All Ages.

Price: $6.99 SALE: $5.25

Dream Clouds by Alesia K. Alexander Layne Price: $10.00

Honey Bear Died

by Jennifer E. Melvin Price: $11.95 SALE: $10.75

Holiday Resources

Open To Hope

by Dr. Gloria Horsley and Dr. Heidi Horsley Price: $12.95

Getting Past Christmas

By Carlene Enroth Price: $0.75

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How Will I Get Through The Holidays?

by James E. Miller Price: $6.95

Contributors

Andrea Gambill

Friends. Rob’s written a book titled, Dads in Grief – Grief in Dads, a survival guide for dads after the death of their child.” Rob is looking for a publisher.

In 1976, Andrea’s seventeen-year-old daughter, Judy, died after a five-month coma, as the result of a car-truck crash.

A year later, she formed one of the earliest United States chapters of The Compassionate Friends and helped to establish the first TCF National Board of Directors.

In 1987, she founded Bereavement magazine and owned that business and publication until 2000. The years of grief counseling, support group leadership, writing and editing have given Andrea an education and insight she had never dreamed possible. Over the years, she has worked closely with various kinds of support groups, and she has spoken to conferences, churches, civic groups, support groups, medical/hospital groups, schools and funeral directors around the country. Andrea authored the booklets Tinsel and Tears (a guide to getting through the holidays) and Do and Don’t Suggestions for the Bereaved and Their Caregivers, and she has written two booklets for Abbey Press on the death of a child. Contact Andrea at andrea.gambill@gmail.com.

Rob Anderson Rob’s journey began in March of 1998 following the murder of his son, Brendon. “I fell hard, I fell fast and I fell deep, just like many other bereaved parents,” says Rob. “I began to put the pieces back together once I joined The Compassionate Friends.

That support group saved my life. I could be any kind of bereaved father I wanted to be without fear of judgment or ridicule.

And I was. I was a yeller, a crier, a table pounder or I was silent and reflective. I was all of them. I found a safe place to bleed out the poison of the death of my son.”

Once Rob began to feel better, he gave back by writing about his journey. Numerous articles have been published.

Writing turned to speaking. He presented multiple workshops at three national conventions of The Compassionate

“Life can be good again,” says Rob. “It takes hard work and being good to ourselves. My smile and Brendon’s life returned many years ago through my memories, his life force and my love. Death did not take all. He is, not was, a wonderful son. Bren continues to live in many special and powerful ways. Don’t let death win. Let life win.

Jan Borgman

Jan Borgman, MSW, LISW-S, FT, is the Clinical Program Manager for Bereavement Services at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical Center in Cincinnati, Ohio. She is a Fellow in Thanatology (FT) through the Association of Death Education and Counseling. Jan has been providing bereavement-related services and programs for over twentyfive years. Jan facilitates bereavement support groups in her community. She is a frequent speaker on the topic of grief and loss in the community and has been a presenter for national organizations such as the Association of Death Education and Counseling (ADEC), the Association for Oncology Social Work (AOSW) and for the Society of Social Work Leaders in Health Care (SSWLC).

Thom Dennis

Thom Dennis, M. Div., MAPC, LCPC is currently the Bereavement Services Coordinator at NorthShore Hospice in Skokie, Illinois. He has nineteen years experience helping grieving families as a parish minister, hospital PRN chaplain spiritual director and counselor. He is the creator or Grief River TM, a natureinspired approach to understanding grief and its impact over the course of the entire lifespan. For more information, please visit: www.griefriver.com.

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Deirdre Felton

Check out the eMagazine Online

Mrs. Felton is a dynamic and inspiring international speaker and presents seminars throughout the United States on current grief issues. Prior to establishing her consulting business, Deirdre worked in the bereavement field for over twelve years in various professional capacities. She was formerly the Bereavement Counseling Coordinator for the Hospice of Stamford, Connecticut, pro-bono counselor on the oncology service at Morristown Hospital in New Jersey and a Bereavement Counselor at St. Barnabas on the Desert Episcopal Church in Phoenix, Arizona. She has been a faculty member of the American Academy of Bereavement since 1993. She is currently contributing editor for the American Academy of Bereavement’s quarterly newsletter.

Her audiotape series on “Compassion & Bereavement” has received critical acclaim.

Grief Digest is viewable online at http://griefdigestmagazine.com Post comments, visit author pages and view the magazine in FULL COLOR!

Claudia Grammatico Claudia Grammatico is a charismatic dynamic inspirational speaker. She wrote and produced the song The Gift of Life and Life and The Gift of Life-Mosaic CD. Her song has received two Bronze Telly Awards. Claudia established and facilitates the Parental Bereavement Support Group in Warwick, NY, and the Orange County Donate-Life Support Group in Goshen, NY. She is on the New York Organ Donor Network Advisory Council and the Orange County Crime Board Victim Impact Panel. She is also recognized for her Humor and Grief workshops at bereavement conferences. In addition, she is a Sister of Mercy and Union of the Catholic Apostolate Pallottine Associate. Claudia lives with her husband of forty-one years and is a proud Mom to Christine and loving Nanny to granddaughters Carissa, Celeste and Charlotte.

Contact Claudia at claudpaul@aol.com or www.Donormom. com.

Daina Simpson Mahon Daina Simpson Mahon was an educator who worked as a private school principal for ten years, an English teacher and outreach teacher to high school students for seven years, and a middle school language arts teacher for eight years.

Teaching writing has been a passion of Daina’s for many years, but her proudest accomplishment has been being Devin’s mom. Devin was killed September 25, 2006, at the age of twenty-seven, as she rode her bicycle in Oxnard, California. Daina has written poetry and musings, and she has journaled as a way to express her grief. Devin was a writer, musician, actor, and lover of life.

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Coralease Ruff Coralease Ruff, PhD, RN, is a bereaved parent, Bereavement Facilitator, educator and a nursing Professor Emeritus. She and her husband, Willie, became bereaved parents in 1997, following the death of their twenty-one-year old daughter in an automobile accident in the Dominican Republic. Since then, Coralease has been involved in The Compassionate Friends with many roles, including founder and chapter leader, chapter treasurer, chair of professional day, workshop presenter and member of the national Board of Directors. She is the recipient of The Compassionate Friends 2010 Recognition Award.

She has published widely in professional nursing literature and the lay press. Her grief articles include Grieving through the Years, When the Nurse is Grieving, and Finding Help and Hope in the Aftermath of the Virginia Tech Tragedy.

Her most recent book is entitled: Her Light Still Shines, published by iUniverse. Coralease and husband, Willie, have a surviving son, Andre. She enjoys writing, yoga and line dancing.

Elaine Stillwell Wife, mother, grandmother, educator, author and speaker, Elaine E. Stillwell, M.A., M.S., shares her gifts of hope and inspiration with the bereaved, simply telling what she has learned to cope and survive following the deaths of her two eldest children, twenty-one-year old Denis and nineteen-year old Peggy, in the same 1986 automobile accident.

In addition to being Founder (1987) and Chapter Leader of The Compassionate Friends of Rockville Centre, Long Island, New York, (along with her husband Joe), she is also a Charter Member of Bereaved Parents/USA since 1995. From 19982010, she served as Bereavement Coordinator for the Diocese of Rockville Centre, NY, reaching out to the bereaved in 134 parishes, organizing and training the bereavement facilitators through special enrichment programs and chairing the annual bereavement conference.

Elaine shares her unique gifts of caring and humor with audiences across the United States at workshops and seminars, in radio and television appearances, and through her numerous magazine articles. She is the author of two crafts books for grieving children, Sweet Memories and A Forever Angel (Centering Corporation), a pamphlet of spiritual meditations, Stepping Stones for the Bereaved (Liquori Publications), and a book filled with suggestions for parents who have lost a child of any age, The Death of a Child (ACTA Publications).

Janet Tripp

Enjoying a Stimulating Book Discussion Group. In 1998, Lucent Books published her biography of Lorraine Hansberry for young adults, The Importance of Lorraine Hansberry.

She has served as editor for Hurricane Alice, a feminist journal and as a parish nurse, composed prayers, rituals and led a class on journal writing. Her granddaughter died of SIDS in 2009. She is grateful for the support she has received from The Compassionate Friends and the Edina Coalition for Grief Support, where this summer she will serve as facilitator.

Alan Wolfelt

Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D., is an author, educator and grief counselor. He serves as director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School in the Department of Family Medicine.

Recipient of the Association for Death Education and Counseling’s Death Educator Award, Alan writes and teaches about the philosophy of “companioning” versus “treating” people experiencing grief. He has contributed over 25 books on grief and loss, including The Journey Through Grief: Reflections on Healing, Understanding Your Grief, Healing the Bereaved Child, Healing Your Grieving Heart and Creating Meaningful Funeral Experiences. He enjoys offering small-group retreat-oriented learning experiences at his Center for Loss. Alan presents dozens of workshops each year throughout North America.

Alan and his wife, Susan, a family physician, are the proud parents of three children, Megan, Chris and Jaimie. His three Siberian huskies take him for walks on a regular basis. He also enjoys architecture, interior design and vacations near water with his family. You can contact Alan at wolfelt@centerforloss. com.

Nan Zastrow On April 16, 1993, Chad Zastrow, the son of Nan and Gary died as the result of suicide. Ten weeks later Chad’s fiancée took her life. This double tragedy inspired the Zastrows to create a ministry of hope.

They formed a non-profit organization called Roots© and Wings. Through workshops, seminars, group presentations and other methods, Nan and Gary create community awareness about grief experiences. Additionally, they host an annual Spring Seminar and Holiday workshop.

They also facilitate a Sudden Death Learning Series. Nan is the author of a book, Blessed Are They That Mourn, and over thirty Editor’s Journal Articles in Wings and other publications.

The Wings non-profit organization is the recipient of the 2000 Flame of Freedom Award for community volunteerism. In May 2002, Nan & Gary earned their Certificate in Death and Grief Education from the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado.

Janet Tripp is a psychiatric nurse with forty-eight years of experience, an insatiable reader and a writer. She has published essays in several anthologies: Between the Heartbeats, Poetry and Prose by Nurses, Intensive Care: More Poetry and Prose by Nurses, and three editions of The Book Group Book: A Thoughtful Guide to Forming and

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credits “A picture is worth a thousand words” is more than just a quotation. We are proud to present the illustrations (credited below) which add such beauty and elegance to the wonderful words of our contributors. We are so grateful for the abundant talent that has been given to this magazine, and we know that their amazing gifts will bless and enrich many lives.

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Grief Digest is a Centering Corporation Resource The Centering Corporation was founded in 1977 by Joy and Dr. Marvin Johnson, National Presenters. We started out with nine little coloring books for hospitalized children and a couple of workshops for nurses. Today we have over 150 of our own grief resources for children and adults, My Friends Emotion Dolls, a Memory Bag for children and five videos. Pictured are Joy and Marv Johnson, Janet Sieff, Nick Sieff, Kelsey Novacek and Ben Schroeder.

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