Grief Digest V11I02 by Centering Corporation

Grief Digest Quarterly Magazine

A Centering Corporation Resource

Volume 11, Issue #2

Sheraton Clayton Plaza Hotel 7730 Bonhomme Avenue St. Louis, MO 63105 314-863-0400

The Sheraton Clayton Plaza Hotel is in close proximity to the Galleria Shopping Mall, Art Museum, The Science Center, The Botanical Gardens, St. Louis Zoo, Muny Opera, Shaw Park and a 5 minute walk to the Metrolink. Start planning now for the 2014 BP/USA National Gathering in ST Louis, MO.

See you there! Bereaved Parents of the USA bereavedparentsusa.org https://www.starwoodmeeting.com/StarGroupsWeb/res?id=1305238445&key=465D5

www.caringcups.org 7230 Maple St., Omaha, NE 68134

Featured articles . . . . . . . . .

2-28

I Have a Little Shadow, by Joy Johnson 2 Ten Tricks Your Brain Plays on You During Grief, by Bob Baugher

4-5

Rituals for Letting Go, by Lisa Hutchison 8-9 Less of a Grave Matter, by Allen Klein 10-12 Running With Vince, by Jonathan Kuiper 14-15 Mending a Broken Heart, by Elaine Stillwell 18-20 I Am Who I Am, by Nan Zastrow 21-22 Love and Affection, by Nancy Noren Carpenter 24-26 Yesterday & Forever, by Mary Friedel-Hunt 28-29

Contributor’s Info

A Note from the editor What gives this magazine its heart and soul are the contributions of the people who know the path of pain. Your stories and experiences and insights bring hope and encouragement to others who may be just beginning their journey into the world of grief. We encourage you to write and share. Write from your heart about what you know because you’ve been there! We like to keep the stories about 1200 words (but we are flexible), and we prefer that you use first person (I, me) rather than (“you should…”) etc. Send your contributions via email (preferred) or snail mail (acceptable) to Centering Corporation at editor@griefdigestmagazine.com, or mail to 7230 Maple St. Omaha, NE 68134. We’ll ask you to read and sign our writers’ guidelines (our permission to print) and we’ll need a recent photo of you and a one- or two-paragraph bio about you. If your material is published, you’ll receive complimentary copies of that issue, and we offer you a full page in that issue to promote whatever resource you’d like to share with our readers. Happy writing! editor@griefdigestmagazine.com

30-32

I Have A Little Shadow that Goes In and Out with Me By Joy Johnson, Co-Founder of Centering Corporation, author of The BOOB Girls: The Burned Out Old Broads at Table 12. When I’ve talked about my shadow, people give it different names: depression, fear, anxiety, despair, sorrow, grief – the list depends on the person; but we all have a little shadow. I first saw my shadow when my husband, Marv, and I were eating ice cream at a Cold Stone Creamery. His phone rang and the young doctor who had treated him for two years told him the biopsy for esophageal cancer had finally come back positive. When I looked up, eyes damp, I saw my shadow. It had a long black cape with the hood pulled up so its face was hidden. It was dipping a double chocolate peanut butter into a waffle cone and it looked like a skinny Grim Reaper. It followed us out the door to our truck and climbed in the backseat with Barney, our Bernese mountain dog. The dog didn’t seem to notice. That evening, when we had dinner with friends and told them Marv had cancer; my shadow just sat at the table with us and quietly sipped a dry martini. It was with us for every radiation and chemo treatment. Cancer treatment is a kaleidoscope of horrors administered by loving people who care. My Shadow bent over us and looked as if it cared, too. Once I looked out the window of the cancer center and there was my shadow, talking to a group of other shadows. The place was loaded with them. I looked hard and I’m sure some of them were smoking. I have to admit it is a very loyal shadow and it has no modesty. It follows me into the bathroom, it takes showers with me. I think it

would probably like to wear the Mickey Mouse bathrobe I love. It went to Florida with us for the winter. It liked Florida. Maybe it’s a warm weather shadow. It stood with its arms crossed, leaning against a Palm tree while friends help us hook up our RV because Marv was too weak and I had broken my hip and was leaning on a cane. Then, for one glorious, doctor-free year it disappeared. I didn’t see it at all. I never even looked for it. But in December, when Marv had pneumonia and they discovered the cancer had come back, guess who was sitting on the foot of his hospital bed: The Shadow. Now it never leaves. In our retirement apartment, it watches snow fall from our big windows. It sits on the couch with us when we watch Netflix movies. It seems to really enjoy the ones with car chases. The damn thing follows me everywhere now. Our cat, Margaret Thatcher, walks right through it and it reaches down to stroke her back. It’s not a mean Shadow – it’s just persistent and everpresent. Oh, and it loves Marv’s hospice nurse! It leans over her shoulder as she writes in her notebook, it pretends it has a stethoscope when she listens to Marv’s heart. If the hospice brings new meds or new equipment, it actually gets excited. I’m afraid it’s going to be a constant companion long after the love of my life dies. I think it will mellow out some, but I know it won’t go away. I’m getting used to it. I’m learning from it. I’ve come to expect it. That doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Centering’s mobile bookstore fundraisers will be at these conferences in 2014

The theme is sudden and traumatic death this year. Keynote speakers include Susan Adams, Richard Gilbert*, Daniel Rudofossi, Darcie Sims*, Robert Stevenson, Neil Thompson and J. William Worden. The conference will be hosted at the University of Wisconsin-La Crosse. Register online at www.uwlax.edu/conted/dgb

International Death, Grief & Bereavement June 1-4, 2014

*Centering Corporation author

National Alliance for Grieving Children Symposium June 19-21, 2014

Workshops on tpoics important to children’s grief issues, program development, non-profit administration, activities, fundraising, and grief support models. Join NAGC June 19-21, 2014, at the Sheraton Atlanta Hotel in Atlanta, Georgia, for the 18th Annual Symposium. Register online at www.childrengrieve.org/registration. Multiple registration or organizational discounts are available. Early registration rates available before May 2, 2014.

The Compassionate Friends July 11-13, 2014

TCF’s 37th National Conference is July 11-13, 2014, at the Hyatt Regency O’Hare in Rosemont, Illinois. The theme is “Miles of Compassion through The Window of Hope.” There are more than 125 workshops planned. Register online at www.compassionatefriends.org

Location of the BP/USA 2014 National Gathering will be the Sheraton Clayton Plaza in St. Louis, Missouri. Keynote speakers include Jefri Ann Franks, Jeff & Cindy Morris, Vicki Scalzitti, Dr. Doug and BJ Jenson, Becky Russell, and Ron Greer.

Bereaved Parents of the USA Gathering July 25-27, 2014

More available at centering.org/calendar Volume 11, issue #2–Phone: 1-866-218-0101 –3–

Ten Tricks Your Brain Plays on You During Grief Bob Baugher, Ph.D. Your brain—what an amazing organ. It can outthink the most complex computer. It is—well—it’s who you are. Your brain—or you—is reading these words and taking in information in microseconds. So, with all its wondrous abilities, why would your brain trick you, especially at a time when you need it most? Because it’s not perfect. However, don’t let your brain (or you) take it personally. Just keep reading and you’ll begin to recognize how these brain imperfections can influence you during the most difficult time of your life. Trick #1: I will feel this way forever. When the death occurred, you absolutely believed that you would never laugh again; but you did. Do you remember that first time? Were you surprised when you heard laughter and realized that it was coming from you? After you recovered from the shock, you may have chastised yourself for “forgetting” your loved one. As time has gone by, however, you have hopefully begun to realize that your loved one would want laughter to return. Trick #2: Guilt. Perhaps the cruelest trick your brain plays on you is one where the past continues to be rewritten. Just look at all the ways that guilt can complicate your grief. See if any of these sound familiar: If-Only Guilt—After the death you find yourself revisiting events in the life of your loved one in which you say, “If only….” Or “I should have…..” or “Why didn’t I?” Role Guilt—“I wasn’t a good enough __________________ to this person.” We’re still waiting for the perfect (choose one) parent/ spouse/sibling/grandparent/child. Death Causation Guilt—The death occurred because of something I did or failed to do. It matters little whether I actually had anything to do with the death. I still feel guilty.

©Grief Digest Magazine–www.griefdigestmagazine.com –4–

Trick #3: I’m not like those people who use clichés. If you’re like most bereaved people you’ve heard so-called words of wisdom and comfort from those folks who think they are somehow helping: Everything happens for a reason, I know just how you feel, and It’s time to move on. No doubt these feeble attempts at soothing your pain have caused you some degree of frustration as you say to yourself, “What is wrong with these people? Don’t they get it?” However, your brain has deceived you again. Why? Because weren’t these some of the same statements you offered to others in grief before you knew better? How quickly our brain “forgets” that we, too, used to be a member of the insensitive crowd.

Trick #8: Relatives who haven’t spoken to one another will put aside their differences because of this death. When the death hit you and your family, your brain might have concluded, “The tragedy and finality of this death in our family will surely bring people together. Family members will awaken to the fact that life is too short to hold grudges, to persist in silent indifference to the feelings of others, and to withhold forgiveness.” However, you have sadly realized again that your brain was wrong.

Trick #4: I need to grieve just right. This trick is often played on those of us who have issues with perfectionism. The death you’ve experienced is like no other. Therefore the grief reactions you’ve been experiencing have thrust you into a world that is foreign to you—into a confusing array of emotions and thoughts swirling around in your brain. As these reactions continue, another part of your brain is asking, “What’s wrong with me? Why am I so___________?” Following the death of a loved one you’ll never hear someone say, “You know, I’m grieving just right.” Instead you hear, “I’m not crying enough.” Or “I’m crying too much.” Or “I should be more angry.” Why these reactions? It’s just your struggling brain doing the best it can. Trick #5: The second year will somehow be easier. Another trick your brain will play on you is that it will convince you that nothing can be worse than going through each day of the first year—the first birthday, the first holiday, the first mother’s day or father’s day, the first Thanksgiving, the first anniversary. All these firsts without our loved one add up to a great deal of pain. For many of us, once the first year is over, our brain conjures yet another deceptive scheme by offering convincing guidance, “Whew! I’ve made it through one whole year. As difficult as it was, I made it through each day. Year two should be better.” Better? Well, maybe for some people. But if you are like many people you discovered that your brain lied. You found that, in some ways the second year was more difficult. Why? Because much of the first-year shock had worn off and now the pain is raw. Trick #6: My grief is worse than anyone else’s. At first, as you came across other people who had a loss different from yours it may have been easy for your brain to come up with the belief that went something like this: “Yes, these people are also in pain. But their loss is not like mine. Their pain cannot be as intense, as deep, and long lasting as mine.” When you began to meet people who had a similar loss, your brain may have concluded, “Their loss is terrible, but they must not have loved their person as much as I love mine.” Later, as you look back, you may have realized that the pain you were going through made it difficult to really feel the depth of grief and despair experienced by others as they coped with their own loss. You now realize that, while you can never measure the amount of another’s pain, you have come to understand that, in our humanness, we are all united by our grief because it demonstrates that we all have loved.

Trick #9: I will get a little better each day. In the past, when other negative events occurred in your life, you may have found that, day after day, things did get a little better. In the case of grief, you almost cannot blame your brain for coming up with a similar belief. However, you may have discovered that day 90 following the death was worse than day 30 and that you may have felt worse at the ten month point than you did at the five month point. Why is this? One reason is shock, which is your brain’s way of cushioning the intensity of the blow. Whether death is sudden or expected, our brain goes into shock for a period of time. The length is different for everyone. As you know, when shock begins to wear off, the pain begins to set in. This is one of the major reasons that, when people look back on the weeks and months following a death, they report that it was like they were in a fog, like they were going through the motions much like a robot. People use terms like, “I was on automatic pilot.” Or “I was a zombie.” Shock is your brain trying to protect itself (you) from the full impact of the pain. Trick #10: Letting go of my grief means letting go of my loved one. This brain maneuver is one of the biggest challenges in coping with grief. If you could actually hear your brain speaking to you, the words would sound something like this: “Now that some time has gone by I can feel the intensity of my loss easing up just a little. But wait! I can’t let this happen because if the pain begins to leave, the memories of my loved one will slip away as well. So, I must hold on to my sorrow, heartache, and anguish in order to preserve the connection with this person.” This brain tactic is related to a type of guilt called, Moving On Guilt in which guilt feelings surface at the moment the bereaved person begins to feel a little better. As you know, an important part of your grief work is to hold on to the memories while simultaneously letting the pain of the loss gradually subside. So, there they are: ten tricks of the brain that complicate the bereavement process. Some you knew already and found yourself nodding your head. A couple of them may have been new to you as you have come to realize that the death of your loved one has challenged your brain in ways it has never experienced before. In considering these tricks, you will now hopefully be a little kinder to your brain as it continues to cope with the loss of someone you love.

Volume 11, issue #2–Phone: 1-866-218-0101 –5–

A GUIDE FOR THE BEREAVED SURVIVOR

COPING WITH TRAUMATIC DEATH:

This highly popular, fact-filled 58page “grief 101” book is written just for the bereaved person who seeks an overview of the grief process. Includes 27 grief reactions on evennumbered pages and specific suggestions for coping on the facing pages. The perfect book to purchase in bulk and give away to those in need. $5.00

A FTER S UICIDE L OSS: Coping withYour Grief

Bob Baugher, Ph.D. & Jack Jordan, Ph.D.

U NDERSTANDING

GUILT DURING

BEREAVEMENT

Homicide A book to help you in your time of need

BOB BAUGHER, PH.D. & LEW COX, VICTIM ADVOCATE

COPING WITH TRAUMATIC DEATH: HOMICIDE A 46-page book for those whose loved one has been murdered. Covers reactions and suggestions to help families during the first few days, weeks, months, and years. Includes the personal story of coauthor, Lew Cox, as he coped with the murder of his daughter. $7.00

ANGER DURING BEREAVEMENT

AFTER SUICIDE LOSS: COPING WITH YOUR GRIEF

Want to gain insight into the complex world of anger during bereavement? This 52-page book includes an anger-insight survey and examines causes, targets and pre-existing emotional styles related to anger. Fifteen pages are dedicated to strategies for coping with anger. $8.00

A 65-page book for people whose loved one has died from suicide. Guides the family member through events and reactions that often occur during the first year and beyond following suicide. Includes 10 personal stories written by people whose loved one died from suicide. $10.00

UNDERSTANDING GUILT DURING BEREAVEMENT

THE CRYING HANDBOOK by

A great 53-page book that covers all of the “if-onlys” and “should’ves.” Includes 14 guilt reactions and 22 suggestions for coping with guilt. $10.00

Bob Baugher, Ph.D. & Darcie Sims, Ph.D.

THE CRYING HANDBOOK A wonderful 62-page book that was written to help gain insight into the mystery of tears. It’s for those who always cry, for those who never do, and for those who cry somewhere in between. $10.00

For those who always cry, for those who never do, and for those who cry somewhere in between.

BOB BAUGHER, PH.D.

DEATH TURNS ALLIE’S FAMILY UPSIDE DOWN Have you ever wanted a way to begin a dialogue with your child about death? Then this 27-page illustrated book is for you. Read to your child as you join Allie the cat for three days as she watches her family begin to cope with the sudden death of Grandma Jennie. For ages 3-11. $8.00

Postage is $2.00 on a single copy within the U.S. Two or more copies receive FREE postage within the U.S. Canadian and out of U.S. orders will be billed according to current postal rates. (Washington State residents add 9.5% sales tax)

Prices shown are in U.S. dollars

DISCOUNT FOR ORDERING MULTIPLE COPIES (MIX ‘N MATCH) 2-10 Copies: ............ 5% Discount 25-49 Copies: ............ 20% Discount 11-24 Copies: ............ 10% Discount 50-99 Copies: ............ 30% Discount 100 or more: ........... 35% Discount

SEND CHECK OR MONEY ORDER IN U.S. FUNDS EXACTLY AS SHOWN TO “BOB OR KRIS BAUGHER ” 7108 127TH PLACE S.E. NEWCASTLE, WASHINGTON 98056 USA or e-mail us at b_kbaugher@yahoo.com and you will be billed ©Grief Digest Magazine–www.griefdigestmagazine.com –6–

Her

Light

Still

Shines

now $19.95

A Beloved Daughter’s Story and Her Mother’s Grief Journey

By Coralease Cox Ruff, PhD, RN A bereaved mother and grief educator, Coralease Cox Ruff skillfully combines her daughter’s biography with a grief book to produce Her Light Still Shines, a beautiful tribute to her daughter and an invaluable guide for bereaved parents. This moving story celebrates the life of Candice M. Ruff who profoundly touched many lives in her short 21 years. Her mother lovingly presents the mirrors that form the kaleidoscope of her life by incorporating Candice’s writings and friends’ reflections with Coralease’s own thoughts. Starting from her early memories of Candice as a child and going through to the devastating accident that took away her daughter too soon, Coralease celebrates Candice’s extraordinary life. This written memorial can serve as a model for other bereaved parents and as a compass that identifies landmarks and coping strategies along a mother’s grief journey. With amazing candor, love, and gentleness, Her Light Still Shines, is a beacon to newly bereaved parents. Learn to keep your child’s memory alive on your journey toward healing and feel the warmth of your child’s shining light forever. $19.95 on www.centering.org Product code is HLSO ISBN10: 0-5954-8468-9 ISBN13: 978-0-5954-8468-3 To order call toll free 866-218-0101 Volume issue #2–Phone: 1-866-218-0101 Volume 9, 11, issue #3–Phone: 1-866-218-0101 –7– –37–

Rituals for Letting Go By Lisa Hutchison

Words failed to fully express the emotional pain that came after I experienced the death of my mother. That is when I needed to enter the creative, non-verbal side of myself in order to heal. When the language we speak does not contain the full expression of our experience, rituals may be the answer to releasing unconscious pain that needs an outlet. For centuries, rituals have been used as part of religious and spiritual ceremonies to comfort the grieving. The familiar, recognizable practices can feel soothing in a time where nothing seems to make sense. You may already be using established rituals or creating your own without giving it much thought. Lighting a candle, saying a prayer, singing a song are all well-known ways to express one’s grief. After my mother’s death and many other loved ones, I have used a variety of rituals which helped me to heal and to grieve.

©Grief Digest Magazine–www.griefdigestmagazine.com –8–

Honor with pictures After my mother’s and my grandfather-in-law’s death, I constructed a picture collage of their lives. This helped me to begin to say goodbye and remember many good times that we shared together as a family. My mind was able to review the lives of my loved ones and expressed it by arranging the images and mementos within the confines of the picture frame. It was a way of establishing some emotional control during an overwhelmingly emotional time. This collage was displayed at their wake and funeral services. Honor through letter writing I wrote letters to my mother and to God. This was not a one-time event but rather a tool I used several times during the first year to year and a half after her death. In some letters I even shared what I was experiencing in life without my mom, as if I was catching her up on current life events. Other letters focused on my feelings, whether it was anger or sadness. This letter writing exercise was a great tool to aid in my self expression and processing of my feelings. I also made sure to include letters of forgiveness for myself, God and loved ones.

think differently. I often combine gratefulness with prayer. Gratefulness helps me focus on what I have rather than on what I do not. Honor special occasions When I encountered birthdays, holidays and anniversaries of death, I lit a tea light candle and said a few words to my deceased loved one. I let the tea light burn until it puts itself out. On my mother’s birthday, I used the crockpot that she gave to me and cooked a meal as a tribute to her. For the first Christmas, I bought a special ornament in her memory and I hang it up every year. Honor your feelings about your grief by expressing your memories and love through rituals. Whether you use pictures, letter writing, prayer, sage, gratitude, candles, meals, ornaments or your own ideas to express your connection to your loved one, do what feels best to you and your spirit. Rituals aid in the healing process by acknowledging the pain that cannot be reached with words. When you can let go of the pain, you will be open to experience a different type of connection with your loved one and open yourself up to new possibilities.

One letter I wrote, I read to my mother at her grave site. I told her that I needed to move forward and let go of the emotional pain. I found after her death, I was holding onto many painful memories from the previous five months and from her physical loss. I recognized that I have been in this place before. For many years after my father’s death, I held onto the pain of the loss as a way of holding onto him. Since I was only five when he died, I did not have many memories of our time together. I could feel the pain of him not being a part of my life. I thought this was a way of keeping some sort of connection to him. I needed to let go of the pain and accept the circumstances of our time together. When I let go of the pain, I was open to experience a different type of connection. Honor with Gratitude/Burning of Sage/Prayer Another part of letting go of my mother was letting go of my childhood home. After her stroke and subsequent death, her house needed to be sold. A man was interested in buying her house and demolishing it. Before the sale was final, I used the rituals of prayer, gratitude and burning of sage to assist me in letting go. I wrote up a couple of prayers. I started from the inside of the house and went outside, much like a healing. As I went into each room of the house, I recalled the memories of that particular space. I gave thanks and then said some prayers. My intention was to free myself and my family from the past and open up a space for us to connect with new beginnings. I prayed that the house may be sold quickly so we could all move on in peace. I lit and burnt sage to clear the space and opened up a couple of windows to release the energies we no longer needed. It felt good to perform this ritual. For me, it was important to say goodbye to a place that supported me. I have used prayer many times in the grieving process. If you have a religious preference, use that, if not simply pray to the Universe to assist you in the letting go process. Often it is about surrendering, admitting we are powerless to change the outcome that has occurred and are willing to

Volume 11, issue #2–Phone: 1-866-218-0101 –9–

“Moses, meet Steve Jobs. He’s gonna upgrade your tablets.”

©Grief Digest Magazine–www.griefdigestmagazine.com –10–

Less of a Grave Matter: Death & Dying as Seen thru the Eyes of Cartoonists, Comedians and Cinematographers by Allen Klein, MA, CSP www.allenklein.com Death, dying and bereavement is not funny. Still comedians, cartoonists, and cinematographers show us that it is possible to laugh during times of loss and provide, as Bob Mankoff, the cartoon editor of the New Yorker, says “a little anesthesia of the heart.” In seeing demise through humorous eyes, their funny creations not only help us get a different perspective on somber situations but also help us get the upper hand on the inevitable. Cartoonists Currently, cute little cartoon characters are singing and dancing about death in an extremely popular public service announcement promoting rail safety. “Dumb Ways to Die” has won a number of awards and, in spite of it having a death and dying theme, it has been viewed on YouTube over fifty-five million times.

Several well known cartoonists consistently use death and dying themes to get us to laugh. Charles Addams, Gahan Wilson, and Edward Gorey, are among the most popular. Addams, the creator of The Addams Family with its dark and macabre themes, for example, has one cartoon depicting a woman on the phone informing the caller where here husband is. In the background we see a recently dug grave outside the window. The wife replies literally to the caller, “He’s in the garden.” Similar to the cute cartoon images in “Dumb Ways to Die,” cartoonist Edward Gorey has a number of books which might at first appear to be for children but a closer inspection reveals that they are not. One such book is The Gashlycrumb Tinies. In it Gorey illustrates the alphabet but unlike a children’s book, this time it shows how each child died. For example:

“A if for Amy who fell down the stairs”

“B is for Basil assaulted by bears”

“C is for Clara who wasted away”

“D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh”

Cartoonists not only poke fun at every form of death and dying but also involve celebrities in their work. In a T.O. Sylvester cartoon, two chickens are reading a newspaper with a headline that reads, “Martha Stewart Dying.” The caption

reads, “It’s fabulous. She tells you how to macramé your own shroud and construct a casket from old toothpicks.” Another cartoonist shows Steve Jobs in heaven being introduced to Moses. “Moses, meet Steve. He’s gonna upgrade your tablets….” Even Charlie Brown gets involved in death-related stuff. In a two-part cartoon, Lucy asks Charlie, “When you die, are you ever allowed to come back?” He responds, “Only if you had your hand stamped.” Often cartoonists depict death in the typical black robe carrying a large sickle. One such cartoon shows death taking away an elderly gentlemen moving along slowly with his walker. The man protests saying, “But I just figured out how to use the DVD player.” They poke fun at executions (“Paper or plastic?” asks the executioner of the man whose head is about to be chopped off at the guillotine.) They poke fun at the deceased’s last will and testament. (… and to my nephew Charlie. I leave that portion of highway I-95 I adopted.) They poke fun of heaven. (“Sorry, but we can’t let you in without a referral from your primary care physician.”) And of hell. (“The important thing is to stay hydrated,” says one hellbound person to another.)

Volume 11, issue #2–Phone: 1-866-218-0101 –11–

Comedians Comics too provide us with some “anesthesia of the heart” as they also explore death, dying and bereavement with humor.

Peter Griffin: “Wh-Who are you?”

George Carlin, for example, had an entire routine around the subject. In one part, he jokes about death being like a football game where you get a two-minute warning. “Just before you die,” he says, “you will receive an audible warning letting you know that you have two minutes left to live.” So he advises to say the most outrageous thing you can think of and then say, “If that isn’t true may God strike me dead.”

Death: “I’m Callista Flockhart. Who do you think I am? I’m Death.”

Woody Allen is another comedian who frequently focuses on death. In the final scene of his movie Love and Death, Allen and death go singing and dancing down the road. In Everyone Says I Love You, all the corpses in the funeral home pop out of their coffins dancing and singing “Enjoy yourself. It’s later than you think.” Some of Allen’s famous funny one-liners around death themes are: “Birth is a fatal disease,” “I’m not afraid of dying. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” And, “I don’t believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear, just in case.” Cinematographers There are also a number of movies that deal with bereavement and end-of-life situations in a lighthearted way. Among them are The Loved One, Weekend at Bernie’s, Waking Ned Devine, Death at a Funeral, Gates of Heaven, Undertaking Betty and the classic Harold and Maude, among others. My favorite humorous death-related scene in a movie is the funeral scene in Steel Magnolias where the grief-torn mother of the deceased is encouraged to take her anger out by hitting someone who nobody likes. Television has also had its share of shows sprinkled with death and dying humor such as M.A.S.H., Northern Exposure, and Six Feet Under. TV also had two hilarious funeral scenes. One was for the funeral of Charlie Harper, the character played by Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men, and the other was the classic scene on The Mary Tyler Moore Show for the funeral of Chuckles the Clown. Triple Pleasure What cartoonists, comedians and cinematographers may not realize is that getting us to laugh at death is, according to the Hungarian-born British author George Mikes, actually giving us triple pleasure: the pleasure of the joke itself; the malicious joy of laughing at death’s expense; and the pleasure of taming death and fraternizing with him. In other words, cartoonists, comedians and cinematographers are showing us that with humor, death and dying situations can be less of a grave matter.

©Grief Digest Magazine–www.griefdigestmagazine.com –12–

Allen Klein,

The Jollytologist®

Humorous Keynote Speaker Workshop Leader Best-Selling Author Therapeutic Humor Expert Motivational Humorist How to find and use humor to deal with changes, challenges, and not-so-funny stressful stuff. Humor for Workplace Wellness and Motivational Humor Presentations for Healthcare and other Professionals. w w w. a l l e n k l e i n . c o m

Available on www.centering.org 866-218-0101

Volume11,11,issue issue#2–Phone: #2–Phone:1-866-218-0101 1-866-218-0101 Volume –13– –13–

©Grief Digest Magazine–WWW.GRIEFDIGESTMAGAZINE.COM

RUNNING WITH VINCE by Jonathan Kuiper

Editor’s note: This is an excerpt from Jonathan’s self-published book, Running With Vince, and adapted for this article. In 2005, my twin brother Stephen was killed in a car accident. I clearly did not understand until his passing that the grieving process is ongoing and there is no time limit. It wasn’t until a few weeks ago when my book Running With Vince was published that I completed that part of my journey. Running With Vince was an idea that popped into my head, just a few weeks after his death. I wondered what it would be like if Stephen, my twin, had been with me the morning and days that followed after his death. The first wink that led to this idea came early on, even before he passed fully over. At the time of his death, even though we were miles apart, I was wide awake and knew that something was odd about that morning. One might think that twins get these inclinations often, but our relationship and bond wasn’t like that. We would joke with friends about one of us getting a headache after the other hit his head, but in truth, I never remember that happening. On the contrary, there were no shared physical ailments. We were polar opposites with different goals, life paths, and directions. Nevertheless, regardless of where we were in life, we both knew that we had each other’s back. That morning of April 16th when I woke, my focus turned to him and I had song lyrics on continual loop in my head until my mother called with the news of his death.

©Grief Digest Magazine–www.griefdigestmagazine.com –14–

“Turn the radio up for that sweet sound, hold me close never let me go, keep this feeling alive, make me lose control.” The news was devastating, but on some level it was also okay, because I knew my brother’s struggle and how, from a larger perspective, he was in a better place. Instead of dwelling on his immediate loss, there were so many things to do. There was no time to really grieve, to fully process what had transpired. In fact, though it may seem odd, I felt as though I was there as the other twin, who was being strong for all those in attendance. Due to this, it was a daze, one where I kept dwelling on song lyrics. In the chaos of the days that followed, I looked up those lyrics. They were from Eric Carmen’s Make Me Lose Control. When I was able to listen to the whole song, I realized that my brother was sending me a message to pass on to his fiancé. Her name was Jennifer, and in that song the name was used in the first verse. I had to laugh because Stephen and I were both big fans of Eric Carmen’s Hungry Eyes so when I realized the connection, I bought a copy of the song for Jennifer and passed it on to her. She said it was exactly what she needed to hear, to help her with her grieving. I understood the connection that was still present between us both. Stephen was reaching out, talking about the love of his life and how she was on his mind in his final moments. Similarly, a week later when I was back in Charleston, South Carolina, where I was stationed, I had this urge to buy Boyz II Men’s greatest hits. This was a group we listened to quite often as teenagers. Like the first song, I kept thinking about Stephen and his favorite number seven. Playing that track, I realized it was A Song for Mama. Once again, it was Stephen wanting me to pass on a message to our mother. I got her a copy of the track and it quickly became her song for the next year or so until finally the disc had scratched itself out. My mother found solace in the music and that message of love from her son. After this second occurrence of song lyrics that I passed on to Stephen’s loved ones, I contemplated my story further. Clearly, Stephen was using me as a vessel. I wish I could say that I wrote the story shortly thereafter but instead after fleshing out the skeleton of the story, the actual process of sitting down and writing it took another six years. During this time were many moments when I felt that I should sit down and write this story, but I just didn’t feel ready. It wasn’t until spring vacation in 2011 that I decided I really wanted to write something in his memory. My brother had always bragged about me being an author when we were younger, and now I felt that if I didn’t write this story it would be a disservice to him and the character that he played for so many in life. The writing process was liberating because when I wrote the words finally flowed. Over the course of three or four days, I wrote the entire book and never felt alone. Instead, I felt like Stephen was with me, standing over my shoulder, whispering in my ear, and in some instances typing with my fingers. It was so therapeutic and allowed me to let go of the struggle I had with his physical departure. This doesn’t mean, I was content with him passing, but I was finally able to come to

the realization that it was okay to move forward. Regardless of our deep connection, it was okay to move further along my path and not dwell on what could have been for him. In hindsight, I recognize that my journey was not when the book was finished. While a first draft was complete, it took two more years until I was ready to add a chapter on Christian’s grieving. It makes sense that I was not able to dive into that aspect of loss until recently because in some way the grieving process had continued and I had not come to terms fully with my loss. When we lose people we care about, regardless of whether they are a twin brother, a sister, mother, or a dear friend, there is a process we all must experience and embrace. It is naïve to think that with their physical form gone, that there should now be an immediate celebration and embracing of the new relationship. It is important to recognize the passing of our loved ones from their physical existence, to honor the emotions we experience, and to reflect on how their role influenced our being at so many different levels. Mourning is natural and expected, and even when we are more centered and balanced, some loss will still remain. The book focused on this opportunity to have a new relationship based on love. I have experienced that with Stephen. Nevertheless, it doesn’t mean that life is any easier with his spiritual presence acknowledged. If anything, in some ways until we come to grips and have a better understanding of this dynamic of love and energy, we miss the physical presence even more. Those we care about the most are still present if we are open to receiving them and allowing a place in our lives for their new presence. However, contrary to what some are teaching, we should and will experience the full gambit of emotions with the physical passing. That will take time, not days or weeks, but years and maybe even a lifetime. At a cellular level, when a loved one leaves, I believe that we lose that aspect of ourselves, that physical memory. As that memory faded, it made my process more difficult. Something of a natural occurrence that I expect might also happen for others. As mentioned earlier, it took years for my composition of Running With Vince. During those six years, I knew that when I created space for the book, Stephen would be there with me helping along with the process. Even though I was close to him, life can get away from us very quickly. We get inundated by the mundane, by the routines, by the daily stressors and in turn lose focus on ourselves and on those relationships that mattered the most. Whether in life or death, if we don’t open up to others and to our loved ones, then after they pass there is no room for a new relationship and connection. Until I got out of my way, and moved forward, Stephen wasn’t able to come in and be received at this different level. Through love, our relationships never end. With love we can move forward from our loss and beyond the grief that paralyzes many. When we rush the process, life can be more difficult and we can miss the connections that are truly important. Clearly there isn’t a time limit to this process, as my journey is still eight years and counting.

Volume 11, issue #2–Phone: 1-866-218-0101 –15–

Running With Vince A heartfelt journey that demonstrates love is present in life and in death

Front Royal, VA– Inspired by real events from his twin brother’s passing, Jonathan Kuiper asks what happens when our loved ones die? A book meant for grieving, understanding family relationships, and how to move forward from loss, Running With Vince focuses on two brothers and their unique bond. Polar opposites, Christian and Vincent have little in common, other than their family. On one final road trip together, they bicker and banter, but also better understand each other and the love that they share. More importantly, both are able to move forward and serve those they care for after a tragic family event. Kuiper uses humor and wit, combined with an understanding of the human spirit that will resonate to your core. He knows that loss is universal but it does not have to be forever. Using the story as parable, Kuiper opens the reader up to the possibility that through love, loss is never permanent and shorter lived than one could imagine. For more information, visit www.jfkwrites.com

Running With Vince By Jonathan Kuiper ISBN: 978-1461073871 Softcover, retail price: $8.99 E-book price: $4.99

©Grief Digest Magazine–www.griefdigestmagazine.com –16–

Wife, mother, grandmother, educator, author and speaker, Elaine E. Stillwell, M.A., M.S., shares her gifts of hope and inspiration with the bereaved simply by telling what she has learned following the deaths of her two eldest children, 21-year-old Denis and 19-year-old Peggy, in the same 1986 automobile accident. In addition to being Founder and Chapter Leader of The Compassionate Friends of Rockville Centre, (Long Island) NY, 1987-present, with her husband Joe, Elaine has been writing for Grief Digest since its first issue in July 2003. She was also Bereavement Coordinator for the Diocese of Rockville Centre, 1998-2010, working closely with 134 parishes and local agencies, where she trained support group facilitators, maintained a web site listing of area support programs, and chaired the annual bereavement conference each spring. Known for her passion and zeal, Elaine shares her unique gifts of caring and humor with audiences across the United States at workshops and seminars, in radio and television appearances, and through her magazine articles, DVDs, books, and pamphlets.

Elaine believes “If their song is to continue, then we must do the singing.” A Forever Angel By Elaine E. Stillwell, published by Centering Corporation, offers children the magical healing of creating angels for different occasions and major holidays to honor their loved one. Designing angel cards, frames, pillows, candles, cookies and more, children share these homemade Forever Angels with people they choose, keeping their special person’s memory alive. A special gift for grieving children, the book offers a subtle way to have them open up and talk about the person who died. Recommended for use by teachers, counselors and support groups. Ages 8-16. No 50% off on sale at www.centering.org for $4.47. The Death of a Child: Reflections for Grieving Parents By Elaine E. Stillwell, published by ACTA Publications, offers hope and peace for the heart, simply sharing what has helped her and many other bereaved parents, who know the excruciating pain of losing a child. Elaine, mother of two children killed in a car accident, offers this collection of life-giving lessons gathered over years of experience as a grief minister. Available on www.centering.org for $10.95. Bulk orders may combine subscriber and quantity discounts ordering by phone at 866-218-0101 or centering.org Volume 11, issue #2–Phone: 1-866-218-0101 –17–

Mending a Broken Heart By Elaine E. Stillwell, M.A., M.S. Rockville Centre, NY

©Grief Digest Magazine–www.griefdigestmagazine.com –18–

It’s not an easy process, but lots of love mixed with tears is the glue that reshapes the pieces of our broken heart to fit back together in a new pattern that will give meaning to our life. After my two oldest children, 21 year old Denis and 19 year old Peggy, were killed in a freak car accident, I had to “pick up the pieces” of my heart and make a firm decision to “go on” with my life. I told myself I wanted Denis and Peggy to be proud of their mother as they watched me “choose life.” As much as I hurt, I didn’t want to disappoint them and that one thought gave my body a lot of momentum, especially in the morning when it would have been far easier to stay in bed with the covers pulled over my head. Every choice I made to “plow ahead” released the vice that seemed to be squeezing the life out of my heart.

wrong things, make insensitive comments to us, giving us unnecessary heartache. (I took a prayer from church at Eastertime, added two words, and repeated it to myself whenever someone made an insensitive comment to me which took the sting out of being a victim and made me feel much better: “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do. Assholes, Amen.” It works all the time.) Of course, gentle, compassionate people who let us know they care about us in simple, loving ways do much for remolding our broken hearts. God bless them! Letters, phone calls, listening to us, hugging us, not judging or rushing us, allow us time to heal.

Pushing ourselves to keep busy, as many do – especially men, can be a tiresome job, but spending time making sure our loved one’s memory is kept alive in many hearts can add a new dimension to “keeping busy.” For me, I called You see, each decision of the this “sharing Peggy and Denis heart puts you more in control with the world.” In my early It’s not an easy process, but lots of and brings some semblance of grieving, designing a meaningful love mixed with tears is the glue that order back into your life. Every acknowledgment card, thanking reshapes the pieces of our broken heart day you do as much as you can folks for all they did to help us to fit back together in a new pattern handle since grieving takes so on the front cover, complete that will give meaning to our life. much energy. There are no with photos and my special deadlines, no time-schedules, thoughts of Peggy and Denis on no cards to punch. You set your the inside pages, and printing Planning ahead own pace. You do what you need. the information about their There are no correct or incorrect joint scholarship on the back ways of grieving, only different cover, helped me share Peggy Special activities ways. The rule of thumb is: and Denis with many people. Follow your heart. Taking time And to my surprise, I still use to count the blessings you still those beautiful pictures and Keep busy have, to appreciate the family stories to introduce them to members who remain, to treasure new friends I meet today. A the precious time you had with few months later as Christmas Make-A-Wish your loved one, and to share those approached, sending little angels precious memories with others, with my children’s names and Happy Distractions keeping your loved one “alive” in dates inscribed on them to many hearts, can ease the burden dear relatives and friends for you are carrying. their Christmas trees, insured Choosing Life my children to be part of these You might discover that planning people’s Christmas thoughts year ahead is a big aid to mending the after year as they hung those heart. Having something to look dear ornaments on their trees. forward to, whether it be a trip, At the time, I did not realize a new book, a journal entry, a phone call, a new hair-do, that this would become an annual tradition and now, 27 a visit to or from a dear friend, a day with a grandchild, years later, my angels are taking over my friends’ trees! a quiet dinner, a movie, a walk along the beach, a flower Eventually, writing and speaking, sharing what I learned garden, a sport or hobby, makes the time go faster and about grief, became my number one way of “sharing gives meaning to your day. Anything that speeds up the Peggy and Denis with the world.” calendar and reduces those long, dreary hours hastens our healing. Meanwhile, organizing and overseeing the development of the Peggy and Denis Memorial Scholarship occupied In my grief, I learned that planning special activities many precious hours of my time. Keeping Peggy’s and for holidays, special occasions and for my children’s Denis’ memories alive while helping other young people birthdays and anniversaries, kept me surrounded with attain the goals of their dreams does something very loving people who made me feel comfortable, talking, special for my heart. Others have set up music and art sharing and living. Being at ease with people who do scholarships, sports awards, summer camp grants and not put demands on us strengthens our inner core and some have established libraries, built gardens, outfitted our public face. The stronger we get, and it happens hospital rooms, donated equipment for special needs, and gradually, the better we can handle people who say the expanded “make-a-wish” programs. Just as the wife, who Volume 11, issue #2–Phone: 1-866-218-0101 –19–

watched her elderly husband lay dying in the hospital, cried out, “What will I do without you?” And he replied, “Take the love you have for me and spread it around.” That’s exactly what we want to do, never wasting that special love we have for our loved one. Also, having happy distractions, as I call them, can be a big help in getting us through those endless hours and days of raw grief. “Happy distractions” can be anything that gives us a moment of joy or a pause in the pain we feel. We might enjoy playing the piano or a favorite musical instrument, singing in a choir, playing a round of golf, walking the dog, going to the gym, attending a baseball game, enjoying a grandchild, playing bridge, taking dance lessons, improving our computer skills, doing woodworking, painting, writing, gardening – something that takes our mind off grief for an hour or two and lets a little sunshine pour in our tortured hearts. As a bereaved mom, my dog was the best healing therapy, getting me out and about, being a loving presence, snuggling with me and making me laugh, but my friend, also a bereaved mom, found Israeli dancing lifted her soul bringing her much peace. Through trial and error, you find what works for you. Lean on a hobby or a new

interest. Some others have discovered volunteering, basically helping others, has added a healing dimension to their lives, whether it is in a soup kitchen, hospital, nursing home, parish outreach, school, scouting, coaching a sports team, delivering Meals-on-Wheels, pursuing a cause like MADD, Cancer Care, Lupus, Drug Addiction or Suicide Prevention. It is a life-giving feeling to be needed and appreciated and it does wonders for the heart. People might feel you have so much courage, but it isn’t courage, it’s the power to choose. I smile when I think of Viktor Frankl, the famous Holocaust survivor, whose words found a home in my soul when he wrote: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s own attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” I chose to live and I hope you do too. With steadfast determination as you pick-up the pieces of your broken heart and rearrange them in ways to give you new life, may you feel the delight of a mended heart filled with love, peace, hope and purpose, leading you to a truly meaningful life again.

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s own attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” - Viktor Frankl

©Grief Digest Magazine–www.griefdigestmagazine.com –20–

I AM WHO I AM—after Grief

By Nan Zastrow A high school class reunion can definitely heighten grief! Typically, a reunion is the time to reunite with dozens of friends and acquaintances from many years past and socialize for one more good time? However, a hidden agenda often requires that you “reveal” how life has treated you. For some, this event is highly anticipated, because we are all curious about the circumstances in other’s lives. But, for some, a class reunion can bring high anxiety. I admit to being one of those in the latter category. But, a promise is a promise so I decided to go. I was pleasantly surprised that my grief experiences helped me pass the tests of time and face even the toughest questions. I haven’t gone to a class reunion since the death of our son twenty years ago. Life had irreversibly changed, and I didn’t want to fess up to almost strangers, acquaintances, and long-ago friends. I could easily rehearse how the scene would play out and how uncomfortable I would be. With leery anticipation, I primed myself for the inevitable question. “How many children do you have?” I joked about this with my husband, Gary, before we went. “Remember that bus trip we went on right after Chad died? We went because we wanted to “get away” from grief, mingle with new people, and find some moments of joy in something new and distant from home.” It turned out that of the 20+ couples on the bus; all but one couple were strangers. Of course, their get-toknow-you conversations began with one of four things: (1) “Do you know what the weather report is for today?” (2) “Where do you live?” (3) “What do you do for a living?” (4) “How many children do you have?” Even though it’s been 20 years, that open-ended question about children always demands a direct response. I also was dreading the questions about “how many grandchildren do you have?” How would I respond without regrets and tears? My loss of dreams was a personal, sensitive issue and destined to surface.

Volume 11, issue #2–Phone: 1-866-218-0101 –21–

It’s our nature as humans to be curious about the lives of others. We especially want to know if life is treating them good; if they are healthy, and decidedly happy. Perhaps that was the reason I stayed away from reunions. Some feelings were still very intimate, and I didn’t want to discuss how unexpected events had changed my life and my expectations of life.

have struggled with their waning youth and aging physical appearance. Heck, not one of us was getting any younger! And maybe some grieved for lost opportunities in life or in their careers. I have to admit I could never have accomplished all the goals I set for myself—but then I wasn’t realistic in time or talent. Life has a knack of derailing the best laid plans.

So why did I even consider going? It was a promise to a dear friend and classmate. Months before she died, I promised I would attend the reunion this year. Never expecting that she would die, I was secure that there was one person there who understood my discomfort with the “twenty question” game about life. But, a promise is a promise…so I went.

The most awesome discovery of all was the sense of “I am who I am.” Each of us was proud to be there…to be alive… when many classmates have already passed. There was no wimping about “if I could only live my life over.” This was an event about being there to celebrate life—at whatever stage of maturity we were at. And the “griefs” we experienced were written in the lines in our faces, the kinks in our joints, and the color of or the absence of hair. Our successes or our under-achievements didn’t need to be discussed. We all lived life in the “fast lane” and coped with the issues one at a time, making choices about what we thought was best! Today, we were celebrating a different kind of success…we were celebrating self-confidence that comes with “been there… done that” and our unique selves.

I was surprised as I greeted long-ago friends. Our conversations didn’t center on the subject I expected. Perhaps as we aged, it didn’t make a difference any more where you worked or what you accomplished in life. The conversations centered more about what each was doing in their personal lives now. Few people focused on their health or overemphasized their success (though there were several Porsche. Audi, and Mercedes in the parking lot.) Most just mentioned how great it was to be a grandparent or retired and finally enjoying a less stressful life. Travel/vacations, relocation, joyous life events, and the joy of grandchildren (without asking your input) were common topics of discussion. The evenings were filled with laughter, happiness, memories, stories, and youthful expressions mimicked by our older selves. It was a relief to know that the “twenty question” game was suspended with time. Later, at home, I realized that over the span of years most everyone had their own “griefs” of one kind or another. And the class reunion was not the time or place to focus on the ups and downs in life. Of course a large number of classmates did not attend, for reasons unknown. Maybe, like me, they were hesitant to expose the events in their lives. Perhaps they were struggling with new “griefs” at that very moment. We all have lost loved ones. We all have had disappointments. We all have had setbacks.

I’m sure there were stories of great sorrow, stories of unimaginable pain or fear, and sad stories that could turn your personal “grief” story into just a bad day. But there were also stories of great accomplishments, fortunes found, lasting friendships and renewed friendships, knowledge acquired and shared, sacrifice, volunteerism from giving hearts, and love overflowing that were never mentioned. This was not the day to grieve or gloat. It was just a time to “BE” whoever we were at the moment and breathe in and out with the rhythms of life.

The definition of “grief” is the loss of something valued. Grief is normal. Grief is natural. Grief is universal. Everyone grieves something at some time. It would also be nice to be able to put grief on hold on special days and events when one didn’t want it to interfere. Grief (or loss of any kind) creates several valuable lessons that nothing else in life can give you. You transition into a new and improved person. Your self-worth shines with healing along your journey. Your perspectives in life become abundantly clear. You learn quite quickly who you really are—deep inside. Life is full of losses…and whether a person at the reunion was grieving the death of a loved one or the loss of another kind of a relationship, it’s made an impact on who he or she is today. Some may have had, or were currently experiencing, health or disability issues that they didn’t want to disclose. Some may have had children that didn’t live up to their expectations and felt the loss of parenthood-pride they so desired. Some got lost along the way and found something richer than they previously imagined. (And I’m sure a few got lost and never found their way back.) Some may

©Grief Digest Magazine–www.griefdigestmagazine.com –22–

Books by Nan Blessed Are They That Mourn….

$8.95 $7.95 Written from the heart, Nan tells her story about their real grief experience and how the sudden death of her 21 year-old son impacted her future and loss of dreams. She candidly shares her attempt to resurface from unbearable pain when community and friends couldn’t understand why her grief should last so long.

How a Fortune Cookie can Heal Grief

$7.95 Did you ever think that a fortune cookie could offer a profound message of comfort, happiness and peace in a life stressed by grief? Nan weaves a modern parable of life and teaches the value of attitude and choice in grief work. Discover what you might be missing. Read personal stories with results by people who used the Twelve Gifts of Hope-a project in grief work.

Ask Me. 30 Things I Want You to Know

$5.95 All grievers want to be heard, but many suffer in silence. This books speaks to “30 Things” you will want to know about surviving grief (not just suicide grief). ASK ME teaches you what to expect and how to plan your response to uncomfortable situations. “When I am most vulnerable, here is what I want you to know,” says Nan.

NEW

Hitch Your Hope to a Star

$7.95 Here is a collection of stories about HOPE. Each shares its perspective through analogies and lessons learned during the journey through grief. Give this as a gift book to someone who is hurting, someone who has lost a special loved one, or to someone who could use reassurance that we are resilient individuals who survive the roller coaster experiences of life and grow from telling our stories. NEW When the Holidays Hurt $7.95 For nearly two decades, Nan, and her husband, Gary, have inspired the bereaved through community holiday programs for those who grieve. They offer ideas to preserve holiday sanity and sanctity based on their own experiences. Learn how to unwrap and add heart-warming, commemorative rituals into the holiday that honors and remembers your loved one who died. In this book is a collection of stories meant to inspire you and encourage you as you plan your first holidays after your loss. Available from:

Wings - a Grief Education Ministry

P.O. Box 1051 • Wausau, WI 54402-1051 Web: Wingsgrief.org • Email: wings1@charter.net www.centering.org • amazon.com 1-866-218-0101

Volume 11, issue #2–Phone: 1-866-218-0101 –23–

“LOVE & AFFECTION”

©Grief Digest Magazine–www.griefdigestmagazine.com –24–

Understanding the Meaning of Love by Nancy Noren Carpenter

“You should call it ‘Love and Affection’”, Saroja said. “You should write about me in your story.” Saroja is a beautiful lady from India I believe God sent my way to heal my broken heart in December of 2010. 67 years young, she is a diabetic with a pacemaker, sight in only one eye, and very low blood pressure. Retired after working her whole life, she came to America for a visit and ended up staying here, unable to return home because of being so physically fragile. She was hospitalized for a month in the spring of that year with congestive heart failure after a massive heart attack. She tells me if she had gotten sick in India, she would not have survived. Endlessly loved and cared for by her son, Krishnan, he and I met through Care.com, a website that matches people who need home companionship to available caregivers. When we met, her body and my heart began to heal together. During the time my parents were ill, I was unable to care for them full time. With Saroja I feel I am doing what I do in their honor. “Our life is in God’s hands, that is all.”

PROLOGUE: In early 2009 I was let go from my job, turned 50 years old and both of my parents died, three months and four days apart. My journey of understanding the true meaning of love began in early 2006 with my mother’s diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease. My experiences since have been life changing. I am a different person than before. No longer do I agonize about life’s daily problems. I look forward to each day as a new day for me to be a better person to everyone I meet. I have found many new reasons to live each day and I am happy and healing and so is Saroja. SHIRLEY’S LEGACY Shirley died October 12, 2009, from the ravages of severe Alzheimer’s disease. Although curved with osteoporosis and pinned together at both hips, she was filled with life and energy. She didn’t make complete sense when she spoke;

what her mind sent to her vocal chords came out so different. If you saw her enough, though, you knew what she meant. This former 25 year hospital worker and volunteer led a fairly quiet life but left a legacy in death that won’t be forgotten. Alzheimer’s is a disease that robs you of the person you love a little at a time, but is so drastically recognizable. There are the drugs they give your loved one to keep them “the same” for a short time, but it doesn’t last. As I read the book my sister Jude made us for Christmas the tears flow. I had forgotten my mother wrote poetry… For Lach Noren, 1947 “I love you, you’re wonderful and completely mine, Whenever I’m with you everything is fine.

Volume 11, issue #2–Phone: 1-866-218-0101 –25–

I think of you always, night time and day, Whether you’re near me or very far away. You’re in my mind, body, soul and heart! I think I should stop living if ever we part…” Our father passed away July 8th, and mom followed him 3 months and 4 days later. Although this couple separated when I was 9 years old, got back together and had another child, to make it an even 6 kids, they eventually divorced after 36 years of tumultuous marriage. Never seemed to be a grey area, either up or down. But as their lives separated, our family did not, showing that a peaceful family can remain. We never as adult children had to choose where to go for Christmas, or follow a time line getting to the next family stop. Neither of them ever remarried. The years passed so fast until the fateful night in April 2006 when mom first fell. She laid two and a half days, not breaking anything but twisting her body badly. That was the beginning of many trips to hospitals, rehab and care centers. We were immediately shocked into the world of what was truly important and what was not. What a life changing event. Our story is lengthy, as many families go through, but we were even more shell shocked when our father started to drastically fail physically early in 2009. I guess a small but significant start was Thanksgiving of 2008, when he strangely fell backward off a front step, just like that. My father was a larger than life person who also loved his family more than the world. His body failed him, simple as that; actually, sad as that. He suffered from Crohn’s Disease, which ravaged his body slowly. His mind was sharp, so different than mom’s. Mom used to love our Minnesota Twins, but while in her assisted living facility she reached the point where she could no longer recognize what her remote channel changer was, so she sadly ended up only being able to watch one channel. She also did not understand how to use the emergency call buttons she wore on her neck and wrist. October 2007 came her first broken hip with a fractured opposite shoulder. December 2007, two days before Christmas, she fell again and broke the other hip, with a nurse’s station outside her room. She was still in a rehabilitation clinic. Her disease didn’t confer with her legs, leaving her no knowledge that her legs were not working. After that a complete care facility had to be attained for her safety. Dad was so sad for mom and asked about her often, going to see her as well. The recognition of him in her eyes made him sad, seeing her changes made all of us terribly sad. But she did light up when seeing us and knew we were her children if not which one was which of 6 of us.

Dad’s body failed him increasingly, and he grew weary of his fight. It broke our hearts when our father became too tired to fight his physical challenges anymore. He made the decision to stop trying to stay alive. Dad was so larger than life. Always the best dressed of any man at the party, Christmas, tuxes for dances, working the Shrine Circus with a fez full of pins, or any occasion at all to “dress.” Dad made a legacy in life, but mom made her story with her disease and death. Everyone at her care center knew Shirley, the graceful lady who may actually pick up the staff phone on the floor if it’s ringing and no one’s around. The one they had fold towels because she thought she was still working on “the floor”…the one who needed a special chair so she could get up and walk or sit and visit, something safe so she wouldn’t fall. When mom died October 12th, the staff at her care center was hurting almost as much as our family, because Shirley had taught us all how to keep trying and keep smiling, through the constant fight and pain, to see another smile on a loved one who would have continued to visit her day after day, week after week, year after long year, so she knew just how very much loved, appreciated, and thanked she was for everything she gave us and the extreme life lessons she taught us. The lessons will be passed on as long as we are able to keep telling the love story.

September 19, 1986 “I prayed and told God above, all I ever wanted was your love. Through all of life there couldn’t be, another one to care for me. I need someone to hold my hand, to give me a hug, to understand. To walk with me and really care, and most of all, just to share! To share my dreams, joys, and tears and hold me and quiet all my fears. Be there when the times are bad and always when I’m feeling sad. So I pray for us, for you and me and hope that sometime we will be Together again, as once we were, our love forever to endure!” On a chilly Monday in early December 2009 my sisters, brother and his wife and I brought some of mom’s ashes and laid them with my father at Fort Snelling, with a reading of my mother’s love poem for my father.

IN LOVING MEMORY OF LACHLAN NOREN (JULY 8, 2009) AND SHIRLEY NOREN (OCTOBER 12, 2009).

Preview or request your copy of Centeringâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s 2014 catalog of grief resources at centering.org/catalog

yesterday and forever by Mary Friedel-Hunt

here it comes again and again ...the 27th of another month now 44 long long months. how can they feel like yesterday and forever at the same time? the pain persists and always will i know that to be true. i do not sob or wail every single day but i get startled, caught off guard by the shocking reality of your absence. it grabs me, suddenly, out of nowhere and i realize that you are gone...and i lose you all over again. those moments, that reality, takes my breath away, makes my throat burn, causes tears to flow down my face, and leaves me crumbled in a ball of pain. they come not as often but instead come in streaks and when they do i want to run, wail, curl up, die.

no one to hold me in the worst pain, how i long to feel your arms around me, feel your breath on my face and your heart beat blend with my own. but you are gone, you who breathed life into me, you who taught me kindness and strength, who cherished me like no one ever has, who heard me and knew my soul, how can this be? i scream silently that i want you back, that i miss you and agony overtakes me. how can you just be gone? disappeared? i talk to you and the silence deafens me, tells me of your absence...and my emptiness. how i want to believe in your presence, believe we will be one again, are still one, but when 44 months feels like yesterday, and when those months become so real that they take my breath away, forever feels like never. are you really still there...somewhere? anywhere? please speak to me, touch me. Volume 11, issue #2–Phone: 1-866-218-0101 –29– –29–

Contributors

Bob Baugher

Lisa Hutchison

Dr. Bob Baugher is a psychologist and certified death educator who teaches at Highline Community College in Des Moines, Washington. He is a 24-year member of the advisory committee of the South King County Chapter of The Compassionate Friends. Bob has given more than 500 workshops, is a trainer for the Washington State Youth Suicide Prevention Program, and is co-author of several articles and books on grief and loss.

Mary Freidel-Hunt Mary Friedel-Hunt is a licensed clinical social worker who lost her beloved husband/soulmate to Alzheimer’s disease on March 27, 2010, following several years of caregiving. Bill died at home in Mary’s arms. He was a clinical psychologist, and the two of them worked together at their Wisconsin clinic until Bill was no longer able to see clients. During the time since Bill died, Mary has worked with their Golden Retriever Bentley to become a registered therapy dog and the two of them are now ready to visit patients in hospitals, Hospices and nursing homes as well as those homebound in the village where they live. Mary devotes a great deal of her energy to helping those who are dealing with end-of-life issues as she also prepares to return to her practice in the fall focusing now on grief counseling. Mary practices and believes in meditation as a stress reduction tool; has taken up watercolor; and she is a volunteer at a local food pantry. Her poem, The Labyrinth of Grief, is one of many poems Mary has written about loss and grief. One of the greatest resources Mary used early on (and still uses to assist her in her grief healing) is the on-line grief forum provided by Hospice of the Valley (http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/).

Lisa Hutchison, LMHC and Inspirational Motivator, specializes in working with people to help them reconnect to their own wants and needs. She utilizes a combination of creative arts and therapeutic skills to assist in self-expression and growth. Lisa is also a published writer for Chicken Soup for the Soul. Visit www.lisahutchison.net and sign up for her free newsletter for self-care tips, creativity and intuition. She holds a Master of Education Degree in mental health counseling from the University of Massachusetts Boston.

Joy Johnson Joy Johnson is a nationally known author and presenter. Along with her husband, Dr. Marv Johnson, she co-founded two nonprofits in Omaha, Neb., the Centering Corporation and Ted E. Bear Hollow. Centering is America’s oldest and largest bereavement resource center and Ted E. Bear Hollow is Omaha’s center for grieving children. After writing or editing more than 100 books and articles about grief, Joy wrote her first novel called The Burned Out Old Broads at Table 12. Since her first novel, she has made hundreds of presentations at libraries, churches, book clubs, and gathering places for seasoned women. Joy and Dr. Marv have a blended family of six children, nine grandchildren and four great-grandchildren. Her joy is writing BOOB Girl books and talking with fans and readers.

Allen Klein Award-winning, professional speaker Allen Klein is a former hospice volunteer and home healthcare aide. He is recipient of a Lifetime Achievement Award from the Association for Applied and Therapeutic Humor, a Certified Speaking Professional designation from the National Speakers Association, a Toastmaster’s Communication and Leadership Award, and a Hunter College Hall of Fame honoree (New York City). Klein is also the author of seventeen books including, The Healing Power of Humor, The Courage to Laugh, Change Your Life!, A Little Book of Big Ideas, and Learning to Laugh When You Feel Like Crying: Embracing Life After Loss. More information about him can be found at www.allenklein.com. He can also be reached at humor@allenklein.com or at www.allenklein.com.

Jonathon Kuiper

Jonathan Kuiper is an educator, Navy veteran, and a traveler who currently teaches math at Randolph Macon Academy. A graduate of Stonehill College and Abilene Christian University, Jonathan has worked and lived in Florida, South Carolina, Arkansas, Virginia, Maryland, and throughout New England. When not teaching, coaching, or mentoring high school students; he is busy at work on his next novel. His web site is www.jfkwrites.com.

Nancy Noren-Carpenter

Nancy Noren-Carpenter is from East Bethel, Minnesota, and has experienced lots of things in her life that have led her to the path she is now on. In 2009 she lost both her parents three months apart. Her sadness seemed unending. She joined a local church and is now very involved in the Befriender Ministry, which takes on the responsibility of befriending those who have needs ranging from loss to grief. This has helped Nancy come back to life again. “I am so grateful to have found Grief Digest, which has helped me get through my parents death and the recent passing of my loving brother Randy. I am very proud to be a part of GD with the submission of my story,” Nancy says.

Elaine Stillwell

Wife, mother, grandmother, educator, author and speaker, Elaine E. Stillwell, M.A., M.S., shares her gifts of hope and inspiration with the bereaved, simply telling what she has learned to cope and survive following the deaths of her two eldest children, twenty-oneyear old Denis and nineteen-year old Peggy, in the same 1986 automobile accident. In addition to being Founder (1987) and Chapter Leader of The Compassionate Friends of Rockville Centre, Long Island, New York, (along with her husband Joe), she is also a Charter Member of Bereaved Parents.USA since 1995. From 1998-2010, she served as Bereavement Coordinator for the Diocese of Rockville Centre, NY, reaching out to the bereaved in 134 parishes, organizing and training the bereavement facilitators through special enrichment programs and chairing the annual bereavement conference. Elaine shares her unique gifts of caring and humor with audiences across the United States at workshops and seminars, in radio and television appearances, and through her numerous magazine articles. She is the author of two crafts books for grieving children, Sweet Memories and A Forever Angel (Centering Corporation), a pamphlet of spiritual meditations, Stepping Stones for the Bereaved (Liquori Publications), and a book filled with suggestions for parents who have lost a child of any age, The Death of a Child (ACTA Publications).

Nan Zastrow

On April 16, 1993, Chad Zastrow, the son of Nan and Gary died as the result of suicide. Ten weeks later Chad’s fiancée took her life. This double tragedy inspired the Zastrows to create a ministry of hope. They formed a non-profit organization called Roots© and Wings. Through workshops, seminars, group presentations and other methods, Nan and Gary create community awareness about grief experiences. Additionally, they host an annual Spring Seminar and Holiday workshop. They also facilitate a Sudden Death Learning Series. Nan is the author of a book, Blessed Are They That Mourn, and over thirty Editor’s Journal Articles in Wings and other publications. The Wings non-profit organization is the recipient of the 2000 Flame of Freedom Award for community volunteerism. In May 2002, Nan & Gary earned their Certificate in Death and Grief Education from the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado.

Volume 11, issue #2–Phone: 1-866-218-0101 –31–

Understanding Grief  Spring 2014 Seminar Presented by Wings - a Grief Education Ministry

Louis LaGrand, Ph.D. Louis LaGrand, Ph.D., is a Distinguished Service Professor Emeritus at the State University of New York and adjunct professor of health careers at the eastern campus of Suffolk Community College in Riverhead, New York. He was a member of the debriefing team for the Nassau County Medical Examiner’s office on the TWA Flight 800 disaster, a former member of the board of directors of the Association for Death Education and Counseling, and a founder and past-president of Hospice & Palliative Care of St. Lawrence Valley.

Both seminars will be held at

Holiday Inn & Suites Cedar Creek 1000 Imperial Avenue Rothschild, WI

 For information or a program brochure contact: Nan Zastrow 715.845.4159 or Amy Kitsembel 715.847.2703

A community seminar for grieving families

Messages and miracles: the healing power of signs from the deceased Thursday, April 24, 2014  7:00 - 9:00 p.m. Free of charge and open to the public Millions of mourners have reported Extraordinary Experiences that have convinced them that they have received a sign or message from a deceased loved one or a Higher Power. These highly controversial events happen to people of all creeds, races, and social status, and clearly assist the grief work of the mourner. This presentation demonstrates the major role EEs play in how individuals cope with the death of loved ones, establish a new relationship with the deceased, learn to love in separation, and become a turning point for reinvesting in life. It will include types of experiences reported, how they can be used, as well as ways to help the mourner authenticate them.

A seminar for clergy, hospice, caregivers and those who grieve

 Wisconsin Department of Safety and Professional Services continued education units (CEUs) approved. Ask for details.

Presented by

The author of nine books and numerous articles, he is known worldwide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena). His first two books on the subject of the extraordinary have been translated into several languages. Messages and Miracles: The Extraordinary Experiences of the Bereaved is listed in the 100 Top Bestsellers for Counseling by the Online Dictionary of Mental Health. Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved, was released in November, 2006 by Berkley Books, a division of Penguin. It is also available in a Kindle edition as is his newest book, Healing Grief, Finding Peace: 101 Ways to Cope With the Death of Your Loved One. Website: www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com.

Understanding the differences between mourners who adapt and those who have long-term difficulties in coping with the death of a loved one Friday, April 25, 2014  9:00 am – 12:00 noon Cost: $40.00 This presentation is based on 35 years of teaching and counseling the bereaved. It presents the key actions taken by those who adapt well to their losses and those who make choices--or refuse to make choices-- which result in prolonged unnecessary suffering. A special focus will be on: • Learning how not to grieve 24/7 • Getting rid of “labels” • Strengthening your inner life • Recognizing and letting go of resistance • Creating a path to acceptance Sharp differences will be drawn between those who cope well and those who have extreme difficulty. Also, strategies for building a nurturing support network, dealing with loneliness, increasing spiritual awareness, using memories, and managing intense emotions will be addressed as time permits.

Partner Sponsor

CCHS-217a (2/14)

Yes! Back issues of the credits

agazine are available.

“A picture is worth a thousand words” is more than just a quotation. We are proud to present the illustrations (credited below) which add such beauty and elegance to the wonderful words of our contributors. We are so grateful for the abundant talent that has been given to this magazine, and we know that their amazing gifts will bless and enrich many lives.

Yes! Back issues of the

magazine are available.

Magazine design and layout by Janet Roberts and Ben Schroeder, Centering Corporation.

Reprint Policy: We love it when you like our material well enough to pass it on to others, but we’d really appreciate your letting them know where you found it. There is no charge to reprint material from Grief Digest, but wegrieving do require include words, “Reprinted with permission from Grief Digest, igest has been supporting peoplethat and you caregivers. The the Centering Centering Corporation, Omaha, Nebraska, oldest and largest grief resource center in the United States, publishes 402-553-1200.” Also, please don’t change anything in the copy you reprinting. Thank you for your continued support and your cooperation. terly. Order single issues for are $3 each (plus shipping) online at www.

ll free by calling (866) 218-0101. One-year subscriptions are $30 and all membership Color privileges with the Centering Corporation. eMagazine:

Do to printing costs, the full-color Grief Digest edition is available at www.griefdigestmagazine.com. For weekly articles, author updates, promotional coupons, and same great content, visit Grief Digest online!

ownload a free QR Code application on your SmartPhone

n scan the code below to visit Centering Corporation online:

Since 2004,

Grief Digest has been supporting grieving people and caregivers. The Centering

Corporation, the oldest and largest grief resource center in the United States, publishes

Grief Digest quarterly. Order single issues for $3 each (plus shipping) online at www.

centering.org or toll free by calling (866) 218-0101. One-year subscriptions are $30 and include all membership privileges with the Centering Corporation. Or download a free QR Code application on your SmartPhone

and then scan the code below to visit Centering Corporation online: Volume 8, issue #4–Phone: 1-866-218-0101

To order contact: Grief Digest Magazine, PO Box 4600, Omaha, NE 68104 Phone: 1-866-218-0101 Fax: 402-553-0507 Email: CenteringCorp@aol.com $30.00 Annually/Quarterly Magazine – Code: 3PEC $24.95 Renewal (no resource package) – Code: 1PRC $49.90 2-year subscription – (resource package) – Code: 2PRC –19–

Subscribers get a 10% discount on all Centering Corporation orders while active.

www.griefdigestmagazine.com

Non-Profit Org U.S. Postage PAID Omaha, NE Permit #1423 PO Box 4600 Omaha, NE 68104 Phone: 866-218-0101

www.centering.org www.griefdigestmagazine.com

Fall 2013 $7.95 US Funds